Yep, still alive in case anyone was wondering.
Please enjoy!
"Darcy," Steve says from behind her, his tone already scolding her for...something.
"Hmm? What?" she asks as she carefully stirs her cupcake batter. She may be shit at nearly all baking ever, but she will be damned if this batch fails. These are supposed to go along with the nice meal the Avengers and Co are hosting for the homeless of New York City, and the intended recipients of the baked goods deserve something yummy and homemade, damnit!
"Darcy," the Star-Spangled Man with a Fuck Yeah Plan repeats.
"Yes, Captain Hotty McHotness?" she replies without looking away from her task.
"Darcy," he starts before being interrupted by another voice.
"Darcy, люблю, you have been keeping secrets, сестра," the resident redheaded Russian assassin coos as she moves to lean against the counter next to Darcy.
"Secrets?" the glasses-clad woman squeaks as she pours her batter into the greased-up cupcake pan. Well, shit, I totally thought I'd at least have a day or so more until someone other than Nat found out about Pem, she thinks.
"Damn straight, secrets, Darce," Clint mumbles as he sidles up on Darcy's other side.
She puts her mixture into the preheated oven and asks Friday to set a timer for ten minutes. Yeah, that's early as hell, but, swear to every motherfucking deity she knows and even the ones she doesn't know, she will not be burning this batch like the ones before it! She will conquer this fucking recipe, honest to Heimdall! Pastries hopefully baking into something approaching edible and maybe even enjoyable, she turns to find the whole flippin' team and buddies have gathered in the kitchen. Even Jane has been persuaded to grace them, oh lowly, non-SCIENCE! crazed mortals.
"Alright, everyone, I get it! You can't keep a secret in a Tower of fuckawesome spies, A.I., and other supers, but in my defense, I was totally gonna tell you about her soon! Really, I was! I've just been a bit busy preparing for tonight! I probably would've been able to tell you tomorrow at the earliest! I swear by music!" she tells them, dramatically crossing her heart and then holding her arms in the air. "And, to be fair, she's only been a thing for like a week!"
"Woah, there, sunshine," Ass of Sass and Iron cuts in. "Her? There's a her we don't know about? We-" He gestures to the assembled group with a whirl of his finger. "-are thinking about a him."
"Wait, so you're not talking about Pem?" she squeaks hesitantly.
"Who the crackers is Pem? What is a Pem?" Clint raises his eyebrow to punctuate his questions.
Darcy winces slightly at herself for revealing the existence of her baby. Apparently, they actually hadn't known about her. Way the fuck to go there, honey, she gripes at herself mentally.
"Um, yeah? Did I say Pem? Maybe I said…pen?" Again, she winces at the pathetic comeback.
"You said Pem! And there were capital letters implied!" they chirp like a goddamned choir that's practiced the line a million times.
"Okay, well, you should go first cuz I guess I have…multiple secrets-which I didn't even know I had just for the record…? Yeah, you all go first," she offers.
"Remember how you've visited Gotham a few times in the last couple of months—?" Steve begins, pinning her with a stare.
"—And you got kidnapped at least twice that we know of—?" Clint chimes in, crossing his arms over his chest.
"—but then each time got rescued by someone very not Batman who you never actually gave us a name for—" Nat adds with a pointed look and a shift of her weight to one hip.
"—and are now buddy-buddy with?" Tony finishes with a flare and extravagant handwaving.
"Yep. Way to go, team, I can tell you really practiced that!" Darcy mock-compliments, even going so far as to clap her hands.
"Darcy, we're all for you making friends—" Pepper starts placatingly and is then cut off by Jane.
"—but don't you think you should've said something by now about knowing the fatherfucking, goddamn Joker of Gotham?!" Jane shrieks, her voice touching hysterically high-pitched notes and her hands flailing wildly.
"Oh," is all Darcy can manage in reply. "How'd you hear about that?" Sure, the underground of Gotham and a bunch of other citizens of the crime ridden city knew about it, but she didn't think it had really caught on with the rest of the world. It hadn't made the tabloids or any "respectable" mag yet.
"We didn't!" Jane cries, again throwing her arms in the air with exasperation.
"No, because instead of a warning, we get the dicksucking, goddamned, honest to some stupidass deity of the universe Joker standing in my lobby, threatening my lobbyists to get you so you and he can go play! HE'S ASKING FOR A FUCKING PLAYDATE, DARCY!" Tony howls, his eyes wide with a mix of confusion and exasperation and maybe, hopefully even amusement...
People say that Tony's a selfish dick of a playboy billionaire, but once you become one of his people, he's one of the most caring people you'll ever meet. And she's starting to feel bad for making him worry like this.
"Darcy, the man literally asked if you could come out and play today, while handling his gun!" Bruce tells her in an exasperated tone, finally finding his voice in all this.
"Lighting Sister, we in no way doubt your capability, but even I too am concerned for your safety after learning of this man's crimes," Thor pipes in.
"He's even parked his Lamborghini in the front of the Tower!" Natasha adds with a more subdued tone that says she is very pissed that she didn't know about the Joker before now.
Darcy blinks.
"Wait, what?" she demands with a confused, narrowed gaze.
Out of...somewhere, Tony pulls out a StarkPad, footage of the lobby already queued up. She takes it and inspects the scene. Sure enough, Jay, goddesses that wacko, is waltzing around the lobby area.
"Darcy! Darcy-girl! Can you come out and play? Come on, sweetheart!" the green haired nut shouts to the ceiling.
She hangs her head and sighs. Oh, holy goddess give me strength, she thinks. "Alright, fine, I've got this," she grumbles as she unties the bright blue apron from around her waist. Then she's marching towards the elevator and enters it. Just before the doors slide shut, she tells the others to keep an eye on her shit and make sure it doesn't burn. As she goes down, she slightly rethinks her choice to confront Jay, but seriously, he's prowling around the lobby of the Tower. He's never done that before, and she'd really like to know why he's doing it now. The doors open, and she spots him immediately, swinging his gun like an idiot (a dangerous idiot at that) and wandering the room. Sure, his brightly colored hair makes him stand out, but it's the sheer cockiness and (kinda pretty much self-appointed) importance and crazed eyes that make others stay away from him that makes him easy to identify.
"Oi! Jay!" she shouts. Everyone turns to look at her with surprise. When his eyes land on her, his lips split into a wide grin.
"Darcy! Queenie! Sweetheart!" he yells and practically skips over to her. She steps out of the elevator and puts her hands on her hips. What she doesn't expect is a kiss full on, smack dab on the lips, and then to be swung around in the air with his hands around her waist. Feet back on the floor, she has to blink to reorient herself. Okay, kissing and twirling is now a thing. Got it.
"Um...hi," she breathes, confused at the unexpected highly affectionate greeting, but still somehow managing a small smile. She was totally gonna berate him for coming here, but right now she's a bit too thrown off to give a good berating. Holy shitting cousin of hers!
He kissed her. Now what?
"How's my favorite gal doing? I have missed you! Let's go play!" he coos and grabs her hand to start pulling her out of the building. At first, she finds herself starting to nod and move with him from the shock of it all. Then she realizes what he actually said and has to shake her head to clear her thoughts and dig her heels in to keep from being pulled any further.
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen today, Jay," she informs him. A less than happy glint flashes in his eyes, and his grip on her tightens just a teensy lot bit.
"What? Aw, but, Queenie, I drove all this way just to come see you." He draws out the last word for emphasis, flashing his silver teeth with a glint in his eyes edging towards the dangerous side.
"And in some confuzzled part of me deep inside, I'm grateful and maybe even flattered, but I've got plans today." Maybe that'll deter him... "Honestly, my dude, you should've told me you were coming so I could've planned for it."
His eyebrows lift with intrigue, and the sharp glint leaves his eyes. "Plans? Why didn't you say so? I'll join you!"
Wait. What? Mayday! Mayday!
"You haven't even heard them yet!" she weakly protests, knowing that he's probably too much like the SCIENCE! team on a bender and won't be easily persuaded now that he's got his mind set on something. Another day, she'll probably admire that or at the very least be grateful for that trait in him, but not in this instant.
"You're doing it, so I'll do it!" Great. Yeah. Solid reason. Again, different time and place and situation and person, she'd appreciate the sentiment, but maybe not right here and maybe not right now and not from him.
"We're hosting a meal for the homeless and those who've fallen on hard times. I've even made-holy fucking shit!" Her cupcakes! Those Earth's Mightiest Heroes and Buddies better not have let her babies burn! Forgetting about the man in front of her, she runs back into the elevator and rides it back up to the kitchen where her humongous batch of cupcakes are baking. She pushes past the group of superheroes and other badasses to inspect her pastry babies. "Out of the way, losers! Oh, thank Friday!" she praises as she carefully extracts her confections from the oversized oven, all of them looking perfectly fine and not burnt like she was worried they'd be.
"Boss-man, the green haired one is in the elevator," the friendly neighborhood A.I. states casually, and the tension in the room skyrockets. Oh, yeah. Him, Darcy thinks to herself calmly.
Another moment passes with everyone else's hair standing on end and Darcy just going about her way before the elevator's doors open with a soft ping. Darcy side-eyes he Assorted Avengers and Associates as they all grab a weapon of some sort. Even Jane grabs a wooden mixing spoon from the sink, bless her beautiful heart, and holds it in front of her in what she probably thinks is a threatening manner, the wider, part facing away from her. Then everyone watches as the green-haired maniac wacker literally waltzes over to Darcy with a swagger that someone who's got some of the world's most powerful people ready to kill him probably shouldn't have. He saunters over, wraps an arm faux-casually around her waist, and rests his chin on her shoulder, giving off a show of way more familiarity than is really there for the benefit of pissing off the people watching him.
"Whatcha got here, Queenie? So, this is why you left me down there all on my lonesome?" he asks, turning her back around to look at the massive batch of cupcakes before them. He reaches out to grab one, his pale hand outstretched, and she just reacts on instinct.
She smacks him.
Well, his hand, but as his hand is part of him, she smacked him. Him. The fucking, goddamn King of Gotham City Crime.
"Oi, mitts off the cupcakes, buddy. If the Avengers don't get any, then neither do you. I'm all about equality here, so no cupcakes," Darcy scolds.
He pulls back his hand with a pout.
"Aw, Darcy!"
"Nope! No. I don't care if you're a superhero or a supervillain, nope."
"Darcy," Steven starts again.
"Nope, Captain Applepie, not even you," she chirps.
"Darcy!" Natasha states. "I think you left something out when you told us about your visits to Gotham."
"Huh?" she replies oh, so eloquently. "Oh, well, I mean, I did go shopping a couple more times than I told you, not that you're my keepers."
"Darcy!" everyone, minus Jay, yells.
"Okay, so Jay and I became friends. There. Now you know! Now, shoo, all of you. I have to finish icing these babies, and if you're not gonna help, scram."
Of course, as the entire Avengers and Co refuse to leave her alone with the Joker, she ends up with lots of help. She puts them all to work. Some of them, specifically the non-SCIENCE! possessed are put to adding ingredients for the icing while the SCIENCE! possessed people are set to stirring the mixture. Jay, though, yeah, him she keeps with her as her buddy as she ices each cupcake. She even lets him put a couple of Darcy-approved swirls on one, which she puts aside just for him.
Once all the cupcakes have been properly decorated, its time to go. Of course, Jay, being Jay, "requests" she ride with him to the spot where they'll hand out the free meal, and she really can't help but agree. As a safety precaution, though really unnecessary since if he hasn't killed her yet he probably isn't planning on it, Natasha rides along. Everyone else rides with the cupcakes, evenlyish divided between a few vans. When they arrive, news reporters are already buzzing about. As each Avenger or Associate steps out of their vehicle, reporters swarm them, but when Jay pulls up in his very distinctive Lamborghini, the news people go wild, completely ignoring the Supers. He steps out first and spreads his arms wide with a grin, soaking up all the energy. As he does this, Nat uses the opportunity to slip out of the car unnoticed. Darcy tries to do it too but gets caught when Jay calls her name.
"Darcy, Queenie! Come join me! Don't think you can just disappear that easily!" he cheers and meanders over to wrap an arm around her shoulders. She holds in a wince and forces a cheery smile on her face.
"Alright, thank you all for joining us, but we're here to make sure that those who life's screwed over can at least have a nice meal today. Please leave. Thank you," she requests.
"You heard the lady. Scram before I have to make you," Jay orders, keeping a grin on his face the whole time. Well, at least he's good for something, because, faster than she's ever seen, the reporters scurry away. If nothing else, at the very least, he's good at scaring off the press.
Oh, my fucking goddess, is all Darcy can really comprehend whenever she thinks of the situation around her, and really, she tries to think of it as little as possible. Given the situation, who can really blame her poor mind for short-circuiting? Honestly, she doubts even Loki himself would think this when coming up with Ideas Too Stupid to be True.
Oh, my fucking goddess.
When, exactly, did my life get so fucking…this? So bad that I can't even think of a name or reason for this, Darcy has to ask herself.
Well, okay. It's not too bad. Really. It's not.
Actually, it could be considered an average day in the life of the Avengers. After all, they're simply offering a nice meal. Nothing strange about that!
To her left, Thor is happily helping hand out the assortment of drinks with Steve at the end of their little Avengers Assembly line. Near the start of said line, Tony and Clint are handing out the cutlery and utensils to the "customers." Pepper and Nat scoop out and serve the assorted food, still somehow managing to look completely composed and elegant. Jane and Helena are mostly directing people in line while Sam and Maria mostly "stand guard" and help keep the press back. Bruce is also tucked into the line of people serving sustenance, gravitating between drinks and food depending on which seem to need him the most (which is usually drinks). As for Darcy, she's managing her cupcakes while also keeping an eye on the rest of the event. Everything is going great. Honestly, everything would be perfectly normal if not for the fucking King of Crime standing behind her, arms crossed and glaring at every single person who accepts one of her cupcakes.
Well, on the bright side, at least she hasn't been catcalled yet.
Apparently, the Avengers aren't good enough to stop such behavior, nor is Darcy's own badassery, but the fucking Clown King of Gotham, shiny gold gun in hand, glaring at you is!
Still…
"Okay, buddy, you need to cool it. I made these cupcakes for these people, but you're scaring them off, so you need to stop. Here, have a cupcake," she says and pulls out the cupcake she'd previously set aside for him, shoving it in his face. With his stupidly hot reflexes, he easily catches it with a smirk. She makes a shooing motion and arches an eyebrow. "Shoo, dude. Go eat and stop our Mr. Scary, Grumpy Face."
He bares his teeth but takes an exaggerated bite of the dessert, icing smearing all around his mouth. Then, he dramatically smacks his lips together. "Mmm…deeliciiouss!" he trills. She rolls her eyes at his antics and returns to the line of people waiting for a cupcake, satisfied the trickster behind her is temporarily entertained.
The rest of the event goes well, and by the time they're finally wrapping up, Darcy is content but exhausted. Sure, she hadn't exerted a lot of physical energy today, mostly standing and shoving pastries at people, but even her hair if limp from lack of energy. Peopling all day is hard, damnit!
"Alllrriiight! Let's hit the town, Darcy Queen! What do you wanna do? We could do anything you want!" her self-appointed green-haired companion giggles excitedly.
"What," she groans tiredly. "No, I'm too tired, Jay."
"Aw, Darcy-darling," he coos as he comes up and wraps an arm around her. Apparently, Jay's a very tactile person, huh.
"You said we could do anything I wanted. Let's just sleep. Okay, Jay?' she mumbles as she practically collapses into his embrace, turning to smoosh her face into his chest…oh, all the abs! She makes a mental note to appreciate the abs later when she has the energy to fully bask.
"Hey, Joker, leave the lady alone," Steverini's voice cuts through the fogginess of her very tired mind.
She lazily points in the direction that Captain Apple Ass's voice came from. "Oi! That better not be sexist bullshit I hear, Stevia!" she scolds. "If he hasn't killed me yet, I'm fine! Jay's not the kind of person who leaves you wondering if he wants you dead. If he wanted me dead, I'd be dead. Seriously, I'm fine." She even manages to wag her hand in is direction dismissively.
"You heard Queenie. She's fine. Why would I hurt my gal?" Jay retorts. "Now, if you'll excuse us, my girl is tired."
"See, Stevie. I'm fine. My dude here wants to keep me around for a while at least."
Then all Darcy can remember is blissful sleep, sure that Jay would keep her safe or at least her Avengers would.
Someone. Someone is poking her. Someone is going to die.
She groans and simply burrows deeper into her cave of coziness, doing her (not really) best to ignore the rude intruder intruding upon her sleep. If they know what's good for them, they'll let her be.
Nope. No such luck. Whoever it is keeps goddamn poking her. Groaning and cursing the wacker, she sticks out a hand from the safety of her blankets and nudges the person daring to wake her.
"Aw, c'mon, Darcy kitten! I'm bored!" an unsettlingly familiar voice whines.
It takes a few moments for the voice to filter into her brain and be processed, but when it does…well shit. Darcy's up now! Eyes flying open in shock, she shoots into a sitting position, limbs flailing and her precious pile of covers falling from her body. Smack! Her hand somehow manages to whack her unwelcome wake-up call right in the face. Yep, ew, that was definitely a facial feature. If it's who she desperately hopes to goddess it isn't, she's dead. No, she's deader than dead. She's already six feet in the dirt…burned to ashes. Welp…hopefully Tony likes Pem when he finds her.
Gathering whatever courage she can dredge up at this hour (whatever hour it actually is, thank you very much), she slowly turns her face to confirm just who she smacked. At the toxic, bright green shock of hair, she's already started checking off things on her mental list to make sure all her affairs are in order. Thankfully (or, really, not, if you really think about it), working so closely with the Avengers has made it a necessity to have a draft of her will ready at all times, should she or any Associated Avenger or Avenger enter a negative situation and not be able to exit it alive.
Instead of an apology like literally everyone else in her current position (non-regeneratively enhanced individuals or other such squishy humans specifically), an accusation and blame tumbles out of her mouth. "Jay, my duuude, it's your own damn fault, you know," she grumbles as she looks at the man (is he really still just a man?) cradling his paler-than-a-fucking-ghost face in his equally pale-as-fuck hands. "Everyone and their cats and their cat's mice know not to try using physical contact to wake me! This is clearly your fault for not reading the Darcy Manual!" She even waggles a finger in the Crime King's direction. Yeah, so…that brain-to-mouth-and-apparently-the-rest-of-the-body-now filter…doesn't work. Honestly, she's given up on it. At least (and, really, she does mean the very least) her business-keep-the-colorful-language-to-a-minimum filter still works! Most of the time! that's gotta count for something, right?
He cackles, cackles dear goddess, as he holds his now bruising face. Then he's arching an eyebrow and staring at her again with a quirked-up lip. "Oh, well, aren't you a little firecracker, Queenie! There's a manual? How very…Darcy! You got a Frequent Kidnapper's Card and a manual! How exciting," he hisses out between grinning teeth.
Then she does another ridiculous thing and actually waves him off with a shooing gesture before turning away from him to smash her face into her pillow with a groan. Then she blindly pulls her pile of blankets back over her form, effectively shutting out her wacknut maniac.
This shit can wait.
Later, after Darcy's got all charged up on Awesomeness Sleep for Badasses and able to finally face the waking (but definitely not "woke" cuz that's just racial cultural appropriation) world, she peels her eyelids from her eyes and allows herself to be awakened. She sticks out an arm to blindly grab her phone, which she generally keeps on the nightstand at the side of her bed. As a political science major and just a human who tries to stay educated on the current major happenings of the world, Darcy has a routine of reading bits of the news in bed each morning as part of her morning routine. It helps her wake up and stay informed about the goings-on in the world.
"Looking for something?" a voice teases, and she freezes. Not only does she not feel her nightstand, but, now that she kinda notices it, these bedding covers feel off and unfamiliar. Through the haze of her mind, she vaguely remembers the events before she fell asleep, and she groans. Shit. This isn't her bed. This is Jay's, or at least a bed in his compound building thing. She'd been so tired after all that peopling that she'd just let him corral her to…wherever this place is and into this bed. Also…that (maybe actually) dream she'd had about slapping him comes back to her now.
Peeling her face from the pillow, she squints up at the green-haired maniac. "Yeah, where're my phone and glasses, Jay? I kinda need those," she grumbles at him. He's sitting on the edge of the bed, the wacko.
He giggles and slips her glasses right onto her face, not missing the chance to boop her on the nose after doing so. Then he pulls out her phone and waves it in the air in front of her face happily as she blinks up at him. "Darcy, dear, how come you don't have my number? I thought we had a thing," he whines with a dramatic pout.
It's still way too early to deal with his…this…so Darcy merely blinks and shrugs. "What the fuck are you talking about, Jay? You gave it to me last time," she states rather matter of factly.
His pout quickly morphs into a glint and a near menacing tilt of the head. "Not my other number! You, my dear, never asked for my other number," he purrs, trying to pin all the blame on her. Hah! Like that'll work, buddy! She's argued with Prince Mischief himself and won. She'd also gotten an absolutely lovely raven pal out of the argument. Hmm, maybe Loki would like a ticket to see Frozen Live! this winter? Or maybe some chilling at her place and marathoning The Good Place? That might be better, less iffy, touchy spots there. It's been a while since they did a thing. Yeah, she should totally send him a raven sometime.
Anyways, back to the trickster at hand. "Yeah, well you didn't even tell me you have a second number! I barely even knew you have one!" she starts. "Now, hand over the phone, buddy." She even makes grabby hands.
"Aww! Darcy Queen! Of course, I have a second number! My work one and my fun one," he says with a wide grin. Then he's quickly doing something to her poor phone before handing it back with a loud, dramatic kiss to her forehead. Um, okay, so boundaries have changed and she's also totally not going to think about how he got into her phone.
She takes back her device and snorts when she sees that he set his other contact name as Favorite King of Crime. Then she's over it and goes straight to her news apps.
Jay sighs and collapses dramatically over her lap. "I'm bored!"
She ignores him in favor of looking at her phone, specifically the ridiculous headlines and photos on all the major news sources. That's her. That's him. That's them. Together.
King of Crime Feeds the Hungry of NYC!
Queen of Avengers PR and King of Gotham: The Royal Couple You Didn't Know You Shipped!
Avengers of Gotham!
King of Crime and Cupcakes!
Even Crime Loves!
Joker's New Queen!
Photos of Jay and Darcy handing out cupcakes and then leaving in his Lamborghini together litter her screen. Her eyes widen with each headline and image. Seriously, the world has plenty of other shit going on, and this is what news peoples decided to focus on? And these aren't even the trashy tabloids!
"Jay! Have you seen this shit yet?"
"What? Oh, the stories? Yeah! They even got my good side! Don't we look great, dearie?"
"No!" she protests, and for just a cold moment, his smile gleams with a violent shine. "Look at me! My hair is horrible! I'm on Day 3 hair! I look like a wacknut! At least you look good!" She glances over to see him preening from her words, like a peacock. Then she notices his face. Specifically, the small bruise on his face. "Oi, what happened here? I couldn't have been asleep that long that you got into a fight with Batsy already!"
"Oh, this little beauty isn't from Batsy, darling. Don't you remember? You gave it to me when you woke up the first time," he answers proudly, practically cooing with glee at his words.
In that moment, if Darcy were an anime character, she's sure she's have sweat-dropped in that instant as she realizes two things.
Thing 1: She smacked the Joker of Mother Fucking Gotham, and she's still alive. He almost sounds proud too!
Thing 2: She's all over the news with Jay and that means her one cousin of Gotham probably knows it too. Batman.
"Well, shit. Holy Batman."