What had he been thinking?
Snape sighed as he fell back in his seat, he thrust hands to his face. It was an act of sheer frustration.
He didn't know what to do.
It was one thing to indulge Potter in his pain fantasy but it was a whole other ball game to cross that line.
To strip him.
To touch him so intimately.
He didn't mean to turn it into something sexual yet he seemed unable to control himself.
He couldn't say that he ever thought of the boy in a sexual way.
Well, at least not until he had spotted the lashings on Harry's wrist. The sight seemed to act as a sort of switch, one that had been flicked on within him.
He had to control himself. He should never have touched the boy in the first place.
But those damn eyes.
Snape gritted his teeth as though he were a dog barred behind a fence. The offer of a bone so close and yet so far away.
What had he done?
The professor suddenly rose to his feet, shoving over his chair in the process yet doing nothing as it tumbled over into the floor.
No.
He had made a mistake. He should never have let Harry walk out that door.
Not like this, not with the state of mind he was in.
He had to find him.
Snape strode from the classroom, his large strides increasing ever longer with each step. He climbed through the Gryffindor portrait, choosing to ignore the less than savoury comments directed at him from the fat lady. He entered the common room, only to find a few Gryffindor's loitering around by the fireplace. They eyed him cautiously, as though wondering why he was there but too afraid to ask. He turned away from them before ascending the spiral staircase only to find Harry's bed empty.
His heart began to race as a heaviness fell upon him.
This was not good.
Snape bolted from Gryffindor tower, his destination? He had no idea as he traipsed through the castle. He knew the boy was great friends with Hagrid, not to mention his penchant for sneaking out after dark.
It was worth a try.
Snape wasted no time as he exited the castle gates before descending the slippery bank towards Hagrid's hut.
A warm light was radiating from within, it was a beacon of hope to Snape's eyes.
He trudged through the tall grass until he had finally reached the front door to the giant's home.
He knocked on the hard wooden surface in a manner that resembled that of an obsessive, worried parent.
He waited impatiently, his eyes darting between the shadows of all trees as they stood guarding the boundary of dark forest. He searched the landscape as though searching for a clue, anything he may have missed.
"Who could that be?" Hagrid mumbled to himself as the sound of footsteps drew closer to the door.
The door suddenly flew open.
"Professor Snape?" Hagrid's eyes were wide open as they ran up and down the teacher's slender form.
It was obvious that Snape was the last person he expected to find at his doorstep.
"What a surprise. What brings you here?" The giant smiled, his cheerful voice seemed to radiate through the dark night.
"Is Potter here?" Snapes heart was still pounding in his chest, his breath running a little ragged.
"No I haven't seen him all evening."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes" Hagrid nodded heartily. For a brief moment Snape wondered whether to believe the giant. Was he perhaps lying to protect Harry from inheriting an 'out after dark' detention from him?
No.
If there was one thing that reigned true about Hagrid, it was that he was never a very good liar. Never mind the fact that he seemed somewhat genuinely surprised that Snape was after Harry.
"Okay, thank you." Snape nodded, more as an act to get his thoughts together before striding from the giant's doorstep.
"Is everything okay?" Hagrid called after him, but Snape's throat began to tighten. He didn't know if he could speak now even if he tried.
"Professor!" Hagrid called after him as footsteps grew steadily louder towards him.
"I need to find him." Snape's voice was barely above a whisper as he carried on into the dark night.
Hagrid gazed at the professor as though doubting whether the man before him was in fact the real Severus Snape or an imposter.
"Why do you need to find him? Can it not wait until the morning?" The giant tilted his head in confusion.
"No." Snape gritted his teeth but it was too late, a tear had escape from his eyes.
Hagrid opened his mouth to speak but closed it once more as his eyes fell upon the trail of clear fluid running down the man's cheek, it seems to sparkle in the silvery light of the moon, making it unmistakeable.
"I see." Hagrid nodded, seeming to be unsure of what else to say.
"I'll help you look." The giant added as he continued to follow behind the professor.
*~.~*
A crisp cool breeze danced across his body.
It barely mattered, soon he would never feel the cold again.
Soon, he would never feel anything again.
He stepped forward, though it seemed his legs were reluctant to obey the commands of his mind. It was as though they knew doing so would lead to their own demise.
He had to do this.
Life couldn't carry on this way.
He closed his eyes before taking another step forward. He knew it was only a matter of time before he took that final step. The ground beneath his feet would soon fall away into the dark abyss.
Only which step would it be?
He took another pace forward, the moon his only companion as its glow danced across his pale skin.
He would not live to see another sunrise.
*~.~*
Snape traced the grounds like a desperate fox trying to find its missing cub.
He had no time as a sinking feeling bored further within his heart.
Was he too late?
Where would he go if he wanted to end everything?
If he knew harry as well as he thought he did then, he would no doubt just want to disappear as though he had never existed in the first place. He wouldn't want to leave his body somewhere to be discovered. He wouldn't want the give the ministry any excuse to indulge their fantasy that he was insane.
He strode toward the edge of the Great lake.
It was the only place he could think of.
His eyes scanned the surface for any shape that stood out from its surroundings.
"There!" Hagrid called out, pointing his giant finger at a figure in the water.
Snape gasped, his legs suddenly carrying him faster than they ever had in his life.
"Harry!" Hagrid called out as the figure seemed to respond. It tilted it head up before glancing over its shoulder. The silver light of the moon echoed on his eyes.
Those eyes.
*~.~*
Harry wondered if he were in fact witnessing Hagrid and Snape running towards him or was it in fact an illusion generated by his mind? Snape wouldn't hunt across the grounds of Hogwarts to find him. He seemed only too happy to let him leave his classroom without a trace only moments earlier.
He turned back to face the body of the lake.
He needed this.
He closed his eyes once more before taking what he was sure would be his final step.
He wanted this all to end.
His body suddenly felt cold, colder than it had ever been in his life as the murky water of the Great lake consumed him. He was sinking lower and lower as his eyes watched the moonlight slowly fade. The surface of the water was now a barrier, preventing the light from being able to reach him.
The weight around his ankle was dragging him steadily deeper into the dark abyss.