Heath Ledger's Joker was at the Gotham City airport trying to catch a flight to Japan. He was planning to find and beat up Masahiro Sakurai for making Byleth and Steve from Minecraft Smash Fighters in the Fighter Pass but turning all his requests into Mii Costumes. Ledger Joker's last request was himself, and No Way Fag if he was gonna let Sakurai get away with shitting out another Fire Emblem Sword User Smash Fighter while turning his more deserving self into a Mii. Now this was totally an embrace of toxic fandom but Ledger Joker didn't care – that was totes SJW-brainworm lingo, the lingo that had infected and ruined the Internet.
Ledger Joker craved a return to the good old days of the Internet. When he hung out at places like the Something Awful forums, 4Chan, and Livejournal, the days before websites all pivoted to video and got real shitty about SEO and the Tumblerinas moved out to everywhere like gentrifiers. When he could fire off the slurs and get away with it by claiming irony.
"And we had real entertainers too. Machinima! Fred! Annoying Orange! Smosh! Shane Dawson! Uh… scratch that. Youtube always kinda sucked." Ledger Joker ranted to the person at the baggage check.
"Dude, all this over a video game?" The baggage check person asked him, not bothering to hide the disdain.
"Not just any video game. It's Smash Bros! Since Melee we fans are the ones who've been making Smash Bros what it is! And I'm fucking tired of Nintendo acting like they know better what to do with it than us! On what authority? All they do is develop those games!" The baggage check person sighed. It was gonna be a long few minutes. "I WILL AVENGE PROJECT M, I SWEAR!"
"AND HE AIN'T ALONE!" A deep, gritty familiar voice sent a surprising chill down Ledger Joker's spine.
"What the fudge?" The scar-faced Joker whirled around to see right behind him with his own Bat-branded luggage a familiar Dark Knight. It was Christian Bale's Batman!
Acting instinctively Ledger Joker ripped out his knife and lunged at Bale Batman's face. Almost instantly, Bale Batman had disarmed him and fractured his forearm in a few places and had dislocated his shoulder.
"Ouch, man! What the fuck?"
"OH QUIT CRYING. IT'LL HEAL." Forcibly and painfully, the Bat popped a few pieces back in place. Ledger Joker wailed.
"This is sick! I'm calling secur-" The baggage check person threatened before Bale Batman shut him up by shooting a few batarangs out of his gauntlet into their sweaty face. The baggage check person let loose a strangled shriek before they collapsed.
"GODDAMN FUCKBOY, YOU THINK YOU CAN SIC THE TSA ON ME? THE GODDAMN BATMAN?"
A couple security guys walked by, stopped, and started towards the scene. Bale Batman tossed a fat stack of Benjamins at them. They shrugged and walked away as blood continued to pool under the motionless baggage check person.
"I LOVE BEING RICH."
"Woah Batman did you just kill that dude?" Some bystander asked as people began running away screaming.
"NO. I DON'T KILL. THEY LOST BLOOD, THAT KILLED THEM. IT'S PURELY INCIDENTAL THAT I CAUSED THAT BLOOD-LOSS."
"Well, this bullet in your skull ain't gonna be incidental!" Ledger Joker whipped out a Smith & Wesson revolver but Bale Batman kicked it out of his hand, before snapping another punishing kick into the Joker's gut.
"WILL YOU STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN FOR ONE SECOND AND LISTEN TO ME?" Bale Batman threatened Ledger Joker, grabbed him by his coat and started shaking him around. "I'M ON YOUR SIDE, DUDE!
"Have you gone rabid or what? You're Batman, I'm Joker! We're mortal enemies, that's the way it's always been!"
"DRASTIC TIMES CALL FOR DRASTIC MEASURES. I HATE YOU JOKER, BUT I HATE STEVE FROM MINECRAFT EVEN MORE. JOKER, I KNOW YOU KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND AND TURNED HARVEY DENT INTO TWO FACE. ALONG WITH ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE YOU KILLED. BUT ALL THAT'S SMALL POTATOES NEXT TO WHAT THAT MOTHERFUCKER SAKURAI'S DONE TO SMASH BROS."
"You mean… you also…"
"YES JOKER. I WILL NOT STAND BY IDLY AND LET HIM TURN ME INTO A MII FIGHTER. DANTE WAS THE LAST STRAW, DAMN IT."
The Dark Knight held out a hand to The Joker.
And The Joker took it.
Meanwhile back at their apartment, Jared Leto's Joker was currently in the bathroom brushing his teeth and guzzling the mouth-wash. It had been a busy past few days of sucking cock from coast to coast in the name of cinema. Outside, in a stained bathrobe, Joaquin Phoenix's Joker was impatiently waiting and fidgeting.
"Jared, I sympathize with whatever you're going through. But it can't work like this. Heath's gone off to who knows where over some problematic video game, and you… you're disappearing constantly and popping back in only when you need to clean up after too much dick. I'm all for gay pride, but…"
A bit muffled from behind the door and with all the toothpaste in his mouth, Leto Joker shot back. "Joaquin, just hold it in for a bit more! Or use the alley outside!"
"Jared, you're too busy sucking cock to help me rip banks! The banks we rip to pay our rent!" Phoenix Joker pointed out the very real dilemma facing them. Their landlord was not a proponent of a rent freeze during an economy-battering pandemic.
"Joaquin, I'm not eating those dicks I eat just cause I wanna. It's all for a good cause."
"GETTING THE STAR WARS ORIGINAL EDITIONS RERELEASED ISN'T GONNA PAY OUR BILLS. And didn't George stiff you…" Phoenix Joker cried.
"Hey, I'm butterin' the man up. Breaking down the D-Fence bit by beee-it. Just you wait and see."
"Han shootin' first is gonna be cold comforts when we got no heat, no light, no shitting plumbing! Look, I ain't afraid to get the landlord to rip the two of youse off the lease." Phoenix Joker threatened.
"You haven't got the guts, man!"
"You wanna try me? I got Cameron and Cesar's numbers saved, pal!"
"Then you'd actually have to talk to them, bro!"
"….Oh. …Yeah. …Shit."
There was an awkward silence.
"I can always talk to Mark. He probs gots enough Joker-bucks to cover for both of you."
At this, Leto Joker opened the door in a rather constipated manner.
"And what makes you think Mark would talk to you? Next to him… all of us are frickin' nobodies." Leto Joker blustered but he couldn't hide that he had blinked first.
"You really wanna try your luck?" Phoenix Joker began to dial a number on the phone. Some super dramatic music, like the Wonder Woman theme from the movies, probably was playing to hype up the suspense. It was actually for the local cheesesteak shop which uses a killer seasoning on their fries but Leto Joker had no way of knowing that.
"NOOOOOO DON'T!" Leto Joker moaned as he dramatically slapped the phone out of Phoenix Joker's hand. It cracked on the floor. "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MEEEEEE?"
"Let's do what we Jokers love to do – rob banks! Do crimes! For money! Then we can make this month's rent – and YOU CAN BUY ME A NEW PHONE TOO YOU FLIPPIN QUEEN."
A few minutes later, the two Jokers had gotten into their clown car (it was a custom Prius) and were driving down the road. Even though there was a still a deadly pandemic with mutating deadly variants happening, it seemed that many denizens of Gotham City were already back to pretending it was early March 2020 at the latest. Not bothering to social distance, wear masks, even get vaccinated as the Jokers saw as they drove past several anti-vaxx rallies.
"Hey, this isn't the way to the bank." Leto Joker pointed out.
"Yeah. About that. I got something I need to do first." Phoenix Joker explained. "My social justice group's got a quick meet-up. I thought I could tag you in as my guest warrior."
"Dude, weak. Was all this just a ploy to drag me to that donkey-honkey?"
"C'mon, Jared. It can't be that bad, caring about something that isn't yourself or video games."
"But I do care about more than just myself and my gaming – I care about CINEMA." Phoenix Joker sighed upon hearing this. He'd facepalm but he was driving and that would be dangerous, and he'd be a bad example to all the kids reading this who shouldn't be reading this.
Despite Leto Joker's grumbling, Phoenix Joker arrived at his social justice group meeting location – the local Starbucks - undeterred. Inside the Starbucks drinking pumpkin spice lattes were a few of Phoenix Joker's fellow SJWs – The Riddler (Dano), Bane (Hardy), the Penguin (DeVito), Lex Luthor (Eisenberg), Mr. Freeze (Ahnuld), and Darkseid (Darkseid Is).
"Who is this, friend Joker? A problematic heathen to smite with my beams of omega justice?" Darkseid asked, as his eyes turned red.
"No, no, he's my special guest warrior for today. Say hi, Jared Leto's Joker." Phoenix Joker explained. Darkseid stilled his deadly Omega Beams, for the moment.
"Hi."
No one said hi back.
In an attempt to break the awkward tension or just get himself outta here before things got more awkward, Phoenix Joker thumbed towards the counter. "Hey, Jared, ya want anything?"
"Sure. A Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino. Get the barista to dye it purple if ya can. AND NO SOY MILK." Phoenix Joker left his fellow Joker to the mercy of his fellow SJWs.
"Hey, what happened to that stupid tattoo on your head? Too little, too late." Penguin asked.
"Riddle me this – who's never going to be a good Joker no matter how many makeovers because Jared Leto sucks?" The Riddler said. He was kind of losing his touch, you didn't even have to twist the brain for that one.
"Even without a damaged tattoo, his face is too ugly to bear! But I must resist urge to kill, for the request of dear friend Phoenix!" Bane complained as he cupped his hands and fiddled fingers restlessly.
"Uh… what the fuck are you guys doing in an SJW group?" Leto Joker asked. People like Darkseid, Lex Luthor, etc. are decidedly not the typical social justice material. Luthor doesn't even have hair to dye pink!
"You'd be surprised at what you can get away with as long as you got a pride flag and some trendy socially conscientious slogan like BLM or Stop Asian Hate in a social media handle! You won't believe how many poor inner city black neighborhoods Lexcorp evicts in a single February!" Lex Luthor explained.
"Wait, that shit actually works?" Leto Joker wondered aloud.
"Indeed. The Justice League don't dare touch Apokolips when I paint the entire planet rainbow for Pride Month." Darkseid chuckled.
"Maybe I should try being an SJW for a change!" Leto Joker declared, thinking to himself that perhaps this would be what would finally make people like his Joker. Yes, isn't delusion fun?
"Then you've come at the right time for a ride-along!" Lex Luthor said as he got a text. "Our Social Justice Queen has just sent us a new mission: we're gonna cancel-."
The following sentence was cut-off in-text but not in-world for the purposes of a dramatic reveal later on. It's kind of like all those moments in Godzilla movies where they cut away from Godzilla about to fight to humans talking.
When Phoenix Joker got back to his table with two Frappuccinos – Mocha Cookie Crumble for Jared and plain vanilla bean for him – he saw that Jared Leto's Joker was gone. Along with Lex Luthor, Black Mask, and Bane.
"Hey, where'd our buddies go?" Phoenix Joker asked Penguin, Riddler, Mr. Freeze, and Darkseid.
"Eh, Lex Luthor got a new mission from the Queen and rushed off to please her wishes again. Took yer buddy with him to break him in." Penguin muttered.
"I don't know what you were doing bringing him here in the first place." Riddler chastised Phoenix Joker, took the MCC frappe rudely and began drinking it. He spit it out violently. "Guuuuh-yuuuck! Regular milk! Look - Damaged Boy ain't cut out for the social justice life. I know we supposed to be all about inclusion, but y'know, sometimes – maybe exclusion can be good."
"Comrade Joker, did you see the film Suicide Squad? It almost made me euthanize my Nora just so she would not exist in the same world as it!" Mr. Freeze said very concerned. "Jared Leto is no good, he will destroy you like climate change is destroying the Arctic Ice."
"I am Evil Incarnate, yet I take one look at a grown man with a tattoo reading 'Damaged' on his forehead and I know that there exists evil too far for even Great Darkseid." Darkseid wagged a finger at the Joker.
"Look, you just need time to get to know him." Phoenix Joker sighed. The very thought looked cancerous to the others, judging by their facial reactions. "Hey, maybe we could even-"
"No bloody way!" Penguin cut him off.
"I know we've been short one since Two-Face (Eckhart) flipped a coin wrong and cancelled himself (forever), but riddle me this – who will never ever be considered a candidate for our entourage's next?" Riddler insisted.
"Guys-"
"SILENCE." Darkseid's eyes lit up menacingly.
"We love you Joker, but we are afraid we will have to kick your ice outta here if you keep this up." Mr. Freeze said apologetically.
"Whatever. Just hope Lex and the others get back in time. Jared and I were supposed to rob a bank after this."
"Why'd you need that tosser anyways?" Penguin asked. "You could very well ask us to do it with you. Robbing banks is a very SJW thing to do, ain't it?"
"Riddle me this – who is insulted that Joaquin Phoenix's Joker thought to ask that Joker to rob a bank with him before his real friends?" Riddler sneered.
"YOU'RE SKATING ON THIN ICE NOW." Mr. Freeze cocked his gun, a few more impulsive ice-themed one-liners away from using it.
Darkseid's eyes were very red now. He stood up with his arms behind his back. And just stared deep into Phoenix Joker's soul without a word. After some silence, he took the Joker's Frappuccino from him and drank it all in one long sip. How long? The time it takes George RR Martin to not finish a book while a whole prestige television adaptation of it flies too close to the sun and crash-splodes spectacularly. All the while Darkseid continued to look into the Joker's soul and what he saw there wasn't even an afterthought of a curiosity.
"Yum. Vanilla Bean." Darkseid spoke.
"Fine fine!" Phoenix Joker could not deal with everyone else ganging up on him like this. "Forget Jared, I'll rob a bank with you guys right now!"
Everyone cheered.
Mr. Freeze then had a thought. "Let's get ice cream first! To celebrate Comrade Joker casting off a toxic friend!"
"Oh, what the hell. I gave up on watching my weight about four months into this pandemic." Phoenix Joker shrugged. "Let's do it!"
So they then went to get ice cream.
Meanwhile somewhere in the state of New Jersey Lex Luthor was having his chauffeur Mercy Graves drive him and his crew to the house of a very problematic person. They were listening to Fight the Power by Public Enemy and Hit Em Up by 2Pac as they got ready to do some cancel culture. Lex Luthor was polishing his dome and adjusting his tie, Bane was doing stretches, and Black Mask was putting on his black mask. Leto Joker, since he was new to this whole SJW thing and was still reeling over the makeover the second vaccine shot had forced upon him, just stared blankly and wondered if he hadn't made a horrible mistake.
"Are we there yet? I'm so bored." Leto Joker asked. "There's like so many movies I could be watching now."
"You like movies, huh? Eeeeeee-yuuuuuuuck." Black Mask gagged. "Movies are like, sooooooo problematic."
"Now, now Black Mask." Bane interjected. "Many movies, especially those by Martin Scorsese, portray and endorse (synonymous terms if you ask me) problematic values like toxic masculinity and crime – but there are still good movies promoting good social justice values and morals. Like Disney's Marvel movies!"
"Yeah, you're right! Those a-maaaaazing Marvel movies have done more to advance representation and the voices of the marginalized than anything else! You know what grinds my gears? Old movies! How dare movies made 30-60 years ago not have the foresight to match our modern social values!" Black Mask agreed.
"I thought you guys were only in this SJW-shit for the clout, not that you actually believe in it." Leto Joker confusedly asked.
"NO SHIT SHERLOCK!" Black Mask smacked Leto Joker. "But unlike you, you foppish chicken-stroker, we know the value of keeping up appearances! Someone's always watching... always."
"If you ever bothered to put the slightest bit of effort into yourself, Suicide Squad might not have been a piece of shit!" Bane chuckled.
"ENOUGH ABOUT THE PICTURE SHOWS." Lex Luthor yelled. "I need you all on your A-Game, not distracted by trivial chit-chat!"
The limo pulled to a stop and the crew got out of the car. They had arrived at the empty driveway of a luxurious manor home of a clearly well-off family in the New Jersey suburbs. It was comparable to these criminals' own lodgings back in Gotham and Metropolis, but I'm sure that whoever lived here obviously afforded it through some honest good 'ol American hard-work with a little help from trickle-down economics.
"Good. We are ahead of schedule. This gives us the righteous element of surprise." Lex Luthor checked his watch.
"Here, clown, make yourself useful." Bane tossed Leto Joker an expensive RED camera. "Afterwards we shall post our breaking of this problematic foe upon the Internets and get all the retweeties for it."
Leto Joker gawked as he looked around through the lens of the camera. There was something about this place… and the scenery they had driven by since they left Gotham City, especially once it was seen through the lens of a moving camera that wasn't sitting right with him.
"When you said who we was cancelling, I thought you were shitpostin', but this is really..."
Before he could finish that question, a deep red 1999 Chevrolet Subaru pulled into the driveway only to skid to an abrupt halt as the driver noticed the strangers clogging the driveway. Out of nowhere there was the sound of a record scratching as the driver – a pudgy balding middle aged man – stepped out of the vehicle.
It was famous local legitimate New Jersey businessman Tony Soprano!
"What the fuck is this?" Tony Soprano asked as he sucked on a fat cigar. He was coming back from getting a third vaccine shot just in case because certain idiots were causing the vaccine to mutate into vaccine-resistant deadly variants and he really wasn't feeling the after-effects. To put it succinct – Tony was in no mood for this shit.
Tony tried to push past the gathering mob but to no avail.
"Tony, what are those freaks from Gotham City doing here?" Doting housewife Carmela Soprano cried from the other side of the gate where the Gotham evil-doers had blocked off Tony's way.
"I don't know, Carm! Christ, I hate that city! Gotham's worse than Berkeley!" Tony Soprano sighed. "So what the fuck do you fucking fucks want? Who put ya up ta this? The FBI? My Mom?"
"By order of our Social Justice Queen, Tony Soprano…" Lex Luthor took a scroll and began reading from it. "…you are cancelled!"
"Cancelled? Is this one of dose 'Cooooomm-puuuuu-tuuuuh Innnn-tuhhhh-neeeet" things that my son AJ tells me 'bout sometimes?" Tony Soprano blinked in confusion.
Lex Luthor ignored the Soprano patriarch's query and continued on. "Your new upcoming movie, the Many Saints of Newark, is simply too problematic! Depiction is endorsement and it depicts negative problematic stereotypes of Italian-Americans. Moreover where's all the diversity in the movie – Sopranos So White! Why can't Tony Soprano be played by a black man?"
"Wait, there's gonna be a Sopranos movie? Sweeeeet!" Leto Joker blurted out as he continued to film. Bane slapped him ruining the shot and he shut up with a wimper.
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Black Mask and Bane threw their backs out and went werewolf.
Tony Soprano had no clue what this baldheaded lunatic and his harem of fairies in front of him were raving about. But he did recognize him as Metropolis billionaire Lex Luthor, and something inside him snapped. Tony Soprano pulled out his mobile phone and dialed a few numbers, before he retreated to his Subaru and reached into the glove compartment.
"That's right, you STRAIGHT. WHITE. MAN." Lex Luthor spit as he misinterpreted Tony Soprano's intentions. "Run away! But know that you will never escape social justice! For you, Tony Soprano, are too problematic!"
"You know what's also problematic… FUCKING FIFTY FUCKING POUNDS OF LEAD IN YOUR BODY!" Tony Soprano roared as he ripped a fucking M4 Carbine with a grenade launcher attachment outta the glove compartment and cocked it. Tony Soprano was real glad he'd decided to get himself a gun when he woke up this morning.
"What the fu" Tony Soprano opened fire on Lex Luthor, popping the chest before shredding off his knees.
"VAFFANCULO!" Tony Soprano yelled as he continued putting bullets into Lex Luthor.
"Owie owie!" Lex Luthor cried as Tony Soprano shot off both his arms. Desperately, Lex Luthor hopped to where his dismembered right arm was and with his tongue pushed a button on his watch that sent out a remote signal that activated one of his projects in Lexcorp HQ. But it was probably kinda too late cause he was just a really bloody bald guy hopping around on some tiny stubs that ended a little below the waist.
"HOLY SHITBALLS!" Black Mask squealed and pissed himself before diving out of the way of gunfire. "Oh hamburgers!" Bane said as he duck for cover.
"Quick, Bane! Venom out and go all Hulk on him!" Lex Luthor begged. But Bane shook his head.
"I'm sorry, Lex, but I'm Nolanverse Bane! I don't have the cool unrealistic comic book stuff! I'm just a very buff guy who is vulnerable to a lot of stuff actually. The only reason I ever beat Batman is because Christian Bale's Batman can't fucking fight! None of us Nolanverse characters can! The shaky-ass camera does it for us!" Bane explained as he nervously cupped his hands together and tapped his fingertips.
"Bane you are a massive disappointment. I KNEW I SHOULD'VE RECRUITED THE BANE FROM BATMAN AND ROBIN INSTEA-gloooomph." Lex Luthor yelled before Tony Soprano shot a grenade into his mouth, muffling him.
"Run away!" Black Mask ordered, for as the second evilest richest businessman in the squad he became de-facto leader in case of emergency like this.
"I'LL MAKE GABAGOOL OUTTA ALL YA MAMMALESS FUCKS!" Tony Soprano fired at the Gotham City rejects – hey wasn't that the name of some game back in the day?
"Jumpin' Jollibees, social justice is dangerous!" Leto Joker dropped the camera as he, Black Mask, and Bane scattered to the winds.
"Oh Dear." Lex Luthor mumbled with grenade in his mouth. He soiled what remained of his body with Granny's Peach Tea before the grenade went off and ripped his head open like a water balloon. Tony Soprano flipped off Lex Luthor's raining remains before trying to light another cigar in victory. But the rain of blood kept putting it out.
"Huh." Tony Soprano sighed. But then outta nowhere a giant green Lexcorp robot suit dropped outta nowhere and onto Lex Luthor's remains squashing what was left and splashing Tony Soprano with blood and guts. Too damn late for Lex, as I predicted. Tony Soprano managed a small smile. "Hey, sweet. This is mine now."
"Oh Tony, how are we ever gonna explain dis to da FBI?" Carmela asked as she and Tony Soprano ran up to each other to embrace. "Why didn't ya only hadda shoot 'im like once or twice insteada… alla dis."
"I dunno. But I'll tell ya, Carmela… when I heard Lex Luthor goin' all sanctimonious on me… it was like a light flicked on inside me." Tony Soprano mused. "Lex Luthor... that spoiled billionaire schmuck tryin' to talk down to me? But even if he had treated me with an ounce of respect… he still hadda die."
"How so, Tony?"
"Cause, Carm, he fucks wit Superman… and I can't stand for that." Tony Soprano suddenly turned to look at the reader while the National Anthem began to build up and play. "Superman! He and I may not see eye-to-eye on certain matters of… business… but hell, Superman's a great guy. No matter if he's Cavill, Reeve, Reeves, Routh, Hoechlin, the pussy who won't wear the costume or even – nah, scratch dat last one – Superman's just great and I like ta think icin' Luthor can be an olive branch of sorts between him and The Family."
Fighter jets randomly flew by overhead leaving behind trails of red white and blue smoke and Tony Soprano put his hand over his chest and mouthed the Pledge of Allegiance.
"Superman makes me proud to be an American. And there ain't a whole lotta that kinda thing goin' around these days." Tony Soprano wiped a single solitary tear imbued with patriotic pride as it slipped down his cheek.
"Yeah, but what about da mess?" Carmela pointed out. "And dose buddies of his who're getting away?"
"Don't worry about them. I called the boys in to take care of it." Tony Soprano said as he admired his new robot suit.
At that moment the paper boy zipped by on the bike and tossed the latest issue of The Hollywood Reporter at Tony Soprano's feet. Tony Soprano noticed the headline regarding a current DC film/tv project in development that may or may not actually come out in the time that passes after I publish this chapter as they tend to.
"What the fudge? THEY'S TURNIN' SUPERMAN INTO A FUGGIN MOULINYAN?" Tony Soprano screamed. "DAMN YOU HOLLYWOODAAAAAaccck!" Tony Soprano then collapsed from a panic attack.
"This shit is worse than Chicken Vindaloo!" Tony Soprano complained.
Meanwhile Phoenix Joker and the boys were pulling up to Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Parlor to get ice cream. However something was off at the ice cream parlor – no it wasn't the unvaccinated peeps moseying about getting infected with Delta variant and spreading it to any unfortunate passerby, that's just the new normal, but the big burly Secret Service guys who had blocked off the entrance.
"Hey, what's this?" Phoenix Joker asked. The Secret Service guys just grunted, cracked their knuckles, and Phoenix Joker backed off.
"Curses, I am impatiently hankering for a cone of Americone Dream." Darkseid sighed. "Stephen Colbert is a washed out unfunny man now but at least his ice cream's still good."
"Riddle me this then…" Riddler groaned. "Why don't you, Darkseid, just vaporize them with your Omega Beams?"
"Mess with the Secret Service? That would be a mistake." Darkseid warned. "I know what the CIA did to the countries where all the brown people live, and I shall not tempt them to do the same to Apokolips."
"Aw, don't pussy out on us now, Great Conqueror!" Penguin grabbed his umbrella and stormed out of the car. "I want some damn Phish Food and I don't give a crap who they are-"
The Penguin's waddle halted as the Secret Service guys parted like the Red Sea and out walked a familiar-looking old man in a dark blue suit wearing aviators and licking a big cone of plain vanilla. It was none other than President Joe Biden!
"Hey, aren't you-wawk." One of the Secret Service guys picked up and drop-kicked the Penguin into a nearby dumpster.
"Yo, don't do my bro Penguin dirty like tha-" The Riddler ran up in ire only for the Secret Service Guys to gun him down. His body now made of bloody holes more than question marks, the Riddler collapsed and died. And thank god, because I really cannot write riddles to save my life.
"Hel... hellllp..." Penguin croaked from within the dumpster.
"Sorry, but I must preserve the self. There is no room for you in my freezer." Mr. Freeze said as he tried not to notice the corpse of Riddler and went into the Ben & Jerry's like everything was normal.
"You're in the way of the cameras ya dumbasses." The Secret Service Guys explained as Joe Biden put on a mask and posed with his ice cream for the cameras of passing camera people. After the camera people went and left Joe Biden took off his mask and continued eating his ice cream.
"Hey, are you President Joe Biden?" Phoenix Joker asked as Penguin would've.
"Yes I am, sonny. And you're just the person I was walking around in Gotham City to see!" Biden said.
"Wait, me? But I'm the Joker, gaming criminal mastermind and societal scourge!" Phoenix Joker was a bit flabbergasted.
"Then it's a good thing I have a big Presidential pardon waiting for you if you do me a big solid favor!" Biden chuckled, waving a Presidential looking piece of paper like bait. "Joker, are you a bad enough dude to FULLY VACCINATE America?"
"Me? But I'm-"
"The Joker! You are very popular as the Internets say! Your movie, Joker, made over a billion buckaroos at the movies! People love you and will listen to what you have to say!" Biden posited.
"But I'm just a gamer trying to squeak by in life! How am I supposed to convince a buncha anti-vaxx-"
"That's not my problem! C'mon, use your brains, brains are fun!" Joe Biden laughed with a big smile.
"You're the President! Of this country! Can't you do something to get everybody vaccinated?" Phoenix Joker wailed. "And not just vaccines! What about voter reform? Climate Change? Healthcare? Abolishing the Police? Student debt forgiveness? Rent control? Demilitarization? Ending Israeli oppression of Palestine? Freeing kids from cages?"
Joe Biden shrugged. "I don't know. You tell me, son."
"YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT, I'M NOT! And you said... you said..." Phoenix Joker felt he was going cray-cray for realsies.
"I said all that merely to inspire you to action! Have the American people forgotten the wisdom of Kennedy - ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country?" Biden beamed. "Now this is what I can Presidenting!"
"Joe Biden, the people are suffering! Can't you see that? Can't you do something? WE ELECTED YOU TO DO SOMETHING, DAMN IT!" Phoenix Joker cried.
"I'm trying very hard not to upset the Republican Party and that guy from West Virginia. Doing something might be going too far." Joe Biden shrugged.
"IT CAN'T BE THAT HARD TO AT LEAST TAKE SOME DAMN KIDS OUTTA CAGES AND GET THEM BACK TO THEIR FAMILIES!" Phoenix Joker cried. "I'm the Joker, I'm evil, but even that shit is going too far!"
"Those precious little ones might have been in those cages so long they probably see them as new homes now. Wouldn't it be just as cruel to take them out now as it was to put them in?" Joe Biden argued.
"I can't believe this!" Phoenix Joker waved his arms around in frustration as Darkseid sat and watched the scene unfold licking the ice cream he had brought while all this was going on.
"Listen here, Joker, and listen well – the only damn thing you're entitled from me as your President is the responsibility of electing me and mine to office! That's the darn salad and anythin' else is just Ranch dressin!" Joe Biden pointed an authoritative finger at The Joker. "So appreciate yer damn Ranch dressin' when I pass it to ya and don't go cryin' bout how ya wanted Thousand Island instead!"
"That's a real lousy thing to say, Mr. President!"
"Well, I ran on bein' a lousy President! And by golly, I will keep that promise!" Joe Biden flashed a smile as Hail to the Chief played. Damn, did I really just steal another joke from The Simpsons, and not even one of the good episodes?
"You're doing swell, Biden!" Darkseid complimented as he ate his ice cream.
"Thanks, Darkseid! And Darkseid – keep on keeping on!" Joe Biden and Darkseid flashed each other two thumbs up. Joe Biden then began to depart with his Secret Service guys when he made a final reminder to Phoenix Joker.
"Oh and don't forget about your top secret special mission, Joker!" Joe Biden pinned a deputy's badge that probably came out of a fifty-year old box of cereal onto Phoenix Joker. "Don't get any bright ideas about failing to serve your nation, because I might just take a page outta my old pal Barry's notebook and bring out the drones!"
Phoenix Joker fell to his knees and screamed.
"I bet Andrew Yang or my girl Tulsi wouldn't have let us down like this." Penguin commented as he stumbled out of the dumpster, smelling like something even worse than the usual rotten fish heads. Penguin primed his umbrella and charged at Joe Biden screaming. "JOE BIDEN YOU HAVE FAILED THIS COU" This is a leftover from when Penguin was Green Arrow in an earlier draft, but for some reason I was too lazy to adjust this line upon altering the character.
"Protect me Major!" Joe Biden snapped his fingers, and out of the shadows the Biden Family's hound Major Biden tackled the Penguin and eyed the avian-villain's throat eagerly.
"Sorry, Mr. Cobblepot, I really admired your mayoral run from back in the day but Major just saw that film Cruella where those Dalmatians kill Cruella's mom and that really got him pumped up! There's no stopping him when he's like this!" Joe Biden apologetically said as he walked away whistling "Whistle While You Work" as Major Biden got to work on the Penguin.
Mr. Freeze, unaware of what had happened and oblivious to the Penguin being mauled by Joe Biden's dog, walked out holding two big triple-decker cones. He noticed Phoenix Joker's troubled state and tried to cheer him up with that he did best - bad ice related dialogue and christ this shit is harder to write than Batman & Robin made it look. "Chill out, friend. Riddler may be dead but he wasn't that *ice* of a guy, am I right?"
The screaming continued. And Darkseid simply was.
Back in New Jersey, Black Mask Bane and Leto Joker were madly fleeing for their lives but with little idea where they were running – panic fueling every step they took as they assumed the man in front of them knew what they were doing.
"Stick with me, my monkeys! Papa Mask will spirit you to sanctuary!" Black Mask promised as they ran down an alley, only for a car to pull up and block the way out. And out of the car came Tony Soprano's similarly legitimate employees and business associates – Silvio Dante, Paulie Gaultieri, Uncle Junior, and Zombie Christopher Moltisanti.
"You clowns trynna fuck with my nephew? Only I can do that!" Uncle Junior said as he and the crew ripped out their guns.
"Screeeeenplaaaysss…." Zombie Christopher Moltisanti gurgled in the veins of zombies moaning brains as he miserably fumbled for his gun with his sluggish unresponsive zombie hands.
For some reason the song Wave of Mutilation (UK Surf version) by the Pixies began to play as Bane and Joker nervously looked at Black Mask, then at each other, then at the mafioso with the guns drawn.
"I knew I should've gotten into right-wing extremism on Youtube instead." Black Mask confessed his regrets with a sigh knowing he was fucked. A few seconds after saying this he was gunned down, every last inch of his body pumped with lead.
Uncle Junior and the crew had wasted so many bullets killing Black Mask that they had to reload. Except for Zombie Christopher Moltisanti, who was still struggling to unholster his gun with his slow zombie reflexes. He just sadly looked at everyone else having fun. Shrieking like little girls at a Justin Bieber concert circa 2010 Bane and Leto Joker fled back the way they came.
Eventually they came to a fork in the road. Left or right, their big decision.
"Bane, I think we should go right."
"Go ahead, Joker, you go and do that." Bane started towards the left.
"Bane, we're seriously splitting up? We're stronger together than we are alone."
"Nuh-uh. I only hung out with you because the rest of my evil buddies did and now they're all dead." Bane nervously cupped his hands and tapped his knuckles.
"Seriously? You don't even know me besides the usual regurgita" Bane punched Leto Joker in the gut to shut him up. Leto Joker keeled over and lost his lunch.
"I know enough! I watched Suicide Squad! And I cannot let it destroy me by mere association!" Bane said as he composed himself. "For… I am… Bane!"
Bane kicked Leto Joker while he was down, launching him into the air. Bane unleashed a wicked air combo on Leto Joker.
"I am a pimp…" Bane grabbed Leto Joker by the head and legs and raised up high. Before bringing him down onto his knee. "…and pimps don't commit suicide!"
"Owwww! You unintelligible jackhole!" Leto Joker cried as Bane threw him on the ground and ran away.
Leto Joker's back was broken but fortunately he played enough Resident Evil in his life to be prepared for such emergencies. Painfully, he strained to get into his pocket and took a plastic bag filled with "green herbs." He scarfed the whole bag down and within seconds was as good as new.
In his delirious post-beating haze, Leto Joker stumbled around town not knowing where he was going. He finally ended up at the local franchise of a national chain movie theater, which for some reason had decided to ditch their social distancing-conscious seating in return for some pre-Covid "every seat's available" mentality even though the Covid numbers definitely aren't down even with vaccination.
And is it just me, or does this seem to coincide with Disney starting to put their big movies back into theaters?
"Whuh… whuh wuzzat? WhermI?" Leto Joker gurgled, bloody spit tumbling out of his mouth. He looked up at the Marquee and saw what was playing.
MARVEL MOVIE
SOME PRETENTIOUS A24 SHIT
LIVE ACTION DISNEY REMAKE
PIXAR MOVIE
NOSTALGIA SEQUEL FOR SOME HAS-BEEN FRANCHISE
FAST & FURIOUS NUMBER WHATEVER – OUR HEART DIED LONG AGO BUT WE'LL SAY FAMILY A LOT AND HOPE YOU DON'T NOTICE
And
THE SUICIDE SQUAD
"Suicide Squad? But… but… that's my movie!" Leto Joker snapped awake. "I don't remember being on any goddamn film sets lately?"
"That's cause it ain't yer movie!" A familiar Brooklyn-style female voice sent a shudder down Leto Joker's spine. "Yer movie wuz Suicide Squad, but dis is Da Suicide Squad!"
Oh Pringles, it was his ex-girlfriend, Harley Quinn! She was currently sodomizing the ticket guy with a baseball bat. "And dat's fer tellin' me I need ta pay ta see muh own moo-vee! Then askin' fer proof when I told ya I was in it! HERE'S YER PROOF FUCKHEAD!" She smacked the ticket guy upside the head, caving something in nasty.
"Harley? You went and made a whole new Suicide Squad movie… without me?" Leto Joker's jaw dropped.
"Not just dat, but also I made muh own spin-off movie Harley Quinn and Da Boids A Prey without ya sorry ass foist!" Harley Quinn laughed.
Jared Leto's Joker had been too busy playing video games to escape back in early 2020 when it was released theatrically to notice the release of Birds of Prey. 2017-2020 was a pretty rough time for him, even before the whole deadly virus pandemic came about. But what's your excuse for not seeing Birds of Prey in theaters, reader?
"I can't believe this! We really live in a society where a whole ass movie is made and marketed on my image and they drop me like a hot potato afterwards!" Leto Joker raged with dead memes.
"Hey, it can't be helped dat you jus suck, ex-puddin'."
"Ah ha ha ha hahh hah waaaaaah!" Leto Joker fell down and began crying. It had been a really long chapter, and an even longer day.
"Pathetic." Harley Quinn took a selfie with Leto Joker's weeping form.
"I'm Jared Leto's Joker! How can you treat me like this?" Leto Joker wailed as he beat his fists on the ground.
"I dunno. You just kinda deserve it, wanker." Idris Elba as Bloodsport, the black guy of The Suicide Squad, said as he stepped over Leto Joker. Bloodsport is a skilled black marksman hitman with a daughter and a repressed moral core, and is totally a separate character from Suicide Squad's Deadshot another skilled black marksman hitman with a daughter and a repressed moral core and not the result of CTRL+F+Replacing all mentions of Deadshot in the screenplay cause Will Smith didn't come back. "Hey, Harley, I'd like a ticket but you killed the ticket guy."
"Aw, shucks! Have a free ticket on me!" Harley Quinn tossed Bloodsport a ticket.
"At least I still have my music…" Leto Joker muttered half-buried by sobs.
"What? 30 Seconds to Mars? Sorry mate, but they're like a second-rate Panic at the Disco. Third-rate Fall Out Boy. Fourth-rate Killers. And lets not get started on how many rates compared to Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance." Bloodsport commented as he skipped into the movie theater and made a beeline to the bar.
"Damn society! Why won't it just let me be damaged in peace?" Leto Joker moaned.
"Aw, quit yer bitchin'! Life ain't fair! It's dog eat dog, kill or be killed - ya special widdle snowfwake!" Harley Quinn snarled as she leapt out of the box office by breaking the glass. Shards rained down on and pierced Leto Joker as she began beating him dick-first with her bat. After breaking a few bones she crouched over and peed on him. To round up the humiliation she finished with a bit of face-smothering menstruation.
"WOOHOO WOOLOO! GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRLBOSS!" Harley Quinn whooped like a cowgirl bumping up and down on a big rowdy bull as she discharged that one-time-a-month nasty.
"Owie owie owie oh god why did I eat all my herbs earlier when I only needed like three" Leto Joker just took his beating like a bitch. Harley Quinn left him bloodied in a pool of his own, and to add insult to injury, tossed a The Suicide Squad ticket onto him.
"Here, cheer up! Maybe seein' how good movies can be when youse ain't in em can get ya to turn ya life around!" Harley Quinn stuck her tongue out before skipping off humming merry melodies.
Covered in blood and piss, Leto Joker crawled into the movie theater on his belly like a dirty snake. He gave the ticket taker his ticket and slunk to the theater, on his way passing a poster for the upcoming film Dune – now that's a film with obvious franchise potential!
On the next Three Jokers in the Pandemic:
Heath Ledger's Joker learns that it sucks to be stuck next to Christian Bale's Batman on a 15-hour flight to Japan.
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker remembers he didn't get his ice cream at bedtime and spends an entire sleepless night wracked by anxiety.
Jared Leto's Joker catches the Delta Variant.