After the avalanche of humiliation that had happened to him last time, Jared Leto's Joker had no clue where he was going to wake up. Still, it came to him as some surprise to wake up on a slab in the center of some bridge over a foggy abyss with no bottom in sight in an Underground Mayan Temple looking cult bunker. Only instead of statues and carvings of the Mayan deities it was statues and carvings of famous old mostly white mostly dead film directors and a token Kurosawa.
"Where the blazes am I?" Leto Joker asked aloud as he stood upright and rubbed a sore head. Thanks to the beatings he'd taken, it wasn't the only part of his body that hurt like hell. He heard footsteps and he looked to see approaching from out of blindingly bright corridor several hooded figures in robes chanting weird prayers in a dead language.
The center figure spoke in a comical French Canadian accent.
"You are in one of ze many Bunkers belonging to zee Brotherhood of Cinema. Zis is ze Gotham City Branch!" He removed his hood to reveal that he was none other than the film director Denis Villeneuve, director of Blade Runner 2049 starring Jared Leto and that upcoming film with all the franchise potential – DUNE!
"DENIS VILLENEUVE!" Leto Joker froze up in recognition. "What the fudge double is going on?"
"Cinema Brother Tarantino spotted you at ze local Aay-em-cee theater attending ze show of Ze Suicide Squad!" One of the other hooded men removed his hood to reveal the familiar face of a foot-loving movie nerd. Come to think of it, Leto Joker thought as he wracked his memory, he had thought that the dude a seat behind him jacking off in the big popcorn bucket during a scene involving Margot Robbie's feet in The Suicide Squad had looked familiar! "Supporting Ze Big Screen Experience over Ze Blasphemous Streaming Platform of Stoopeed Doo-Doo HBO MAX was already promise enough!"
"I never thought anyone could film Margot Robbie's feet as lovingly as me! Seeing them so proudly framed on the big screen like that… honka honka!" Tarantino drooled at the thought. "Boy, I hope she didn't use a foot double!"
"Uh… right…" Leto Joker cringed. As a Jared Leto Joker, he was pretty cringe, but there's some kinds of cringe – mainly shit Tarantino is into, that was too cringe even for him.
"But then he spotted you after ze show, planting yourself so lovingly in a fellating manner into the advertisement for moi film Dune! Now zat is ze dedication to ze Franchise Potential of Dune!"
"Yeah… sure… that's what it was…" Leto Joker kept looking around for hidden cameras. Expecting Eric Andre, those lovable Jackass guys or the infinitely less lovable Ashton Kutcher to pop up anytime now.
"And of course… Tarantino put in quite zee good word for you… for zat other thing… in regards to your cinematic dedication." Villenueve whistled.
Oh yeah, Leto Joker remembered as he flushed really red. Flashback to a few weeks ago when he was going coast to coast, crossing borders, sucking cock and eating the occasional pussy all in the name of cinema. Then he kind of realized that even with vaccinations, this wasn't exactly a hygienically-sane thing to be doing considering all the present circumstances.
And all the good blowjobs in the world he could give probably hadn't convinced Tarantino to stop putting so much feet in his films considering the man's current attitude. Fucking Tarantino's fucking foot fetish. Almost as nonsensical as his spiel about Gus Van Sant's Psycho remake starring Vince Vaughn being better than Hitchcock's original.
"I'd rather not talk about that one right now. Or why I did it?" Leto Joker cringed.
"Bro, you ever stop to think that feet is what makes my movies good?" Tarantino suggested. "I used to think it was the copious [CENSORED RACIAL SLUR] in my scripts, y'know like my genius dead [CENSORED RACIAL SLUR] storage bit from Pulp Fiction but like, Hateful Eight – I filmed no feet, just [CENSORED RACIAL SLUR] and nobody liked that one! But then… I shove as much feet as I could in fronta the camera for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and man are the critics falling over themselves to sing the praises!"
"What about Reservoir Dogs?" Leto Joker rubbed his chin skeptically.
"Well, I stole from a good movie so it's natural I'd still make a good movie even without the stuff that usually makes my movies great. But every other one of my hits – Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Kill Bill, etc. - it's gotta have at least one prolonged sequence of sole and toe." Tarantino explained, alluding to that stuff regarding Ringo Lam's City on Fire and his Reservoir Dogs.
"Whaddabout Death Proof?" Leto Joker blurted out like a gotcha card.
"Huh, are you a dumbass. Don't feel too bad. Like liking feet, you really need a high IQ to get Death Proof - my film about a dude who likes feet in a car killing some girls who show their feet in a car then some other girls who show their feet in a car killing him for one hundred minutes is pretty deep yo." Tarantino shot back before Villenueve slapped them both.
"ENOUGH OF ZIS SUPERFLUOUS CONVERSATION!" Villenueve screamed before he whipped a pistol out of his robes and shoved the barrel under Leto Joker's throat.
"Now I had ze misfortune one day in ze year of 2016 to watch zis very abominable studio-shat abomination called Suicide Squad… starring you! You may have changed zee stripes upon your head but zat cannot undo ze crime against cinema you committed through zee existence of Suicide Squad, a big two-hour doo doo that I shall not do the dishonor of calling film!" Villenueve ranted as he ripped his gun away from the Joker and just began shooting into the ceiling. "Zere is only one way for you to redeem yourself… AND ZAT IS ZEE WAY OF ZEE FRANCHISE POTENTIAL OF DUNE!"
"Um… what?"
"I am such a genius filmmaker zat I split my adaptation of zee novel Dune into two parts for zee fullest cinematic franchise potential, only those Warner Brothers schmucks say I cannot have part two as a guarantee like zat Peter Jackson did once upon a time!" Villenueve snorted. "Fuck zee Peter! What does Zee Lord of Ze Rings' franchise potential have on Dune? NADA, I SAY! So I need Part One of Dune, my Dune, to make all the lots of the moneys at the theaters so its franchise potential can be realized! But zen those studio executives commit zee very act of rape to zee cinematic experience by putting ze movie on streaming at zee same day it should be seen in the theater for zee cinematic experience!"
As he said this, Villenueve threw his gun away and began shaking the Leto Joker back and forth. After some time, he threw Leto Joker to the ground. Leto Joker caught his breath then got something off his mind.
"Dude, maybe it's good people have more options than usual to see movies. It's, like, a totally unprecedented time for things. Cause, like, there's a big virus going around. Coronavirus, maybe you heard of it? Even with vaccines, some folks just ain't comfy cramin' themselves in a dark room with strangers to see a movie."
To this Villenueve sneered and began snorting.
"Ho ho ho ho ho, more of zis Coronavirus silliness? Nononononononononon! Coronavirus is just zee flu! Do you really think zee flu is a real threat to cinema! NONONONONONONONONONONON!" Villenueve insisted before he popped his nose against Leto Joker's shoulder, sniffing while growling like a guard-dog.
"Denis, what the fudge are you doing?"
"I'm checking you. For traces of vaccine. Do you know what zee many Covid vaccines, ze Johnson und Johnsons, ze Pfizers, ze Modernas… have in common?" Villlenueve began running his tongue over the clothing covering Leto Joker's shoulder. "Zey are all containing zee 5G Microchips… microchips manufactured and supplied by zee vaccines' primary funders – BIG STREAMING."
"Big what now?"
Villenueve finished sniffing. "Phew. You are clean… one of zee pristine unvaccinated." Unaware he'd sniffed the arm which not had gotten the shot.
"Yeah… that's what I am… anyways, what the what about the what?"
"BIG STREAMING, FOOL!" Villenueve smacked Leto Joker. "Pay ze bloody attention, you empty pain au chocolat! Big Streaming, zey are zee ones behind zis so-called Coronavirus Pandemic! It is but a plot to kill ze movie theaters, to drive up the subscriptions of dere streaming services! To facilitate ze complete and total transformation of glorious cinema into just mere content! Content zat zee average stream watcher will contentedly let sit unwatched in their watchlist for months until they expire! And ze microchips that zee vaccines contain ensure zat zere will be total enslavement to ze plottings of Big Streaming!"
Leto Joker was one of those persons and he did not like where things were going.
"Uh… so where do I fit in this? I mean, even if I spend all my life savings on Dune tickets… don't think that's gonna even cover one grip's paycheck."
"Nincompoop!" Villenueve slapped Leto Joker again. "Are you not zee Joker, zee Clown Prince of Crime? Do as criminals do - do crime! I think... ONE HUNDRED BILLION TRILLION DOLLARS will do sufficiently to ensure ze Franchise Potential of Dune!"
"Dude! How the fudge am I gonna steal one hundred billion trillion dollars by myself? I need a crew, yo!" Leto Joker pointed out. Villenueve scoffed.
"Zat is no problem! For through my fellow cinema artistes, I have assembled a crew for you! They have all suffered firsthand from ze anti-cinema machinations of Big Streaming, or are rightly concerned about zee threat zat Big Streaming poses to cinematic franchise potential!" At a snap of his fingers, several other hooded figures all uncloaked already dressed up for a heist. Leto Joker recognized them - it was Patty Jenkins (Wonder Woman 1984, the sacrificial lamb of Warner Bro's day-to-day streaming/theatrical release model of 2021), Clint Eastwood (the legend himself, crying macho), James Gunn (director of the good Suicide Squad movie, basically the one without Jared Leto), and for some reason despite no involvement with Warner Bro's 2021 film slate Oliver Stone (pick your favorite of his many paranoid celluloid commie delusions).
"Uh, no." Leto Joker bluntly stated.
"Why the frick not?" Villenueve demanded.
"Well..." Leto Joker thought for a bit. Then began pointing accusing fingers at everyone. First up was Patty Jenkins.
"I SAW WONDER WOMAN 1984! WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THAT?" Upon hearing this Patty Jenkins erupted in complete indignation, as if she could not believe that someone could not grasp what she perceived as the majesty of her film Wonder Woman 1984.
"How dare you!" Patty Jenkins screamed. "Wonder Woman 1984 is like a masterpiece! I know because I made it! I bet you watched it on your tiny widdle tablet on that shithole HBO Max, not the big and glorious movie screen like it was meant to be seen! You just can't appreciate art on streaming!"
"Lady, no screen big or small coulda saved that shitheap." Leto Joker shook his head. "Those fucking choices... what the fuck, miss? Like the shit with Chris Pi-"
"I'm just paying tribute to Superman 2! Superman 2 is good so therefore Wonder Woman 1984 has to be good too!" Patty Jenkins insisted as she cut Leto Joker off.
"Fuck Superman 2! That movie always sucked, Donner or Lester! Superman 3, on the other hand..." Leto Joker dismissed Patty Jenkins as a lost cause and turned his attention to Clint Eastwood.
"Now, Clint... a righteous living legend. I still don't put ketchup on my hot dogs to this day cause Dirty Harry didn't." Leto Joker explained. "But... how the fuck am I gonna rob a bank with him as the muscle?"
Clint Eastwood had fallen asleep where he stood cause he was like 91 years old. Leto Joker gently brushed past Clint Eastwood and made his way to James Gunn.
"And this asshole? He made a fucking Suicide Squad movie without me? Me, the face and soul of the first one?" Leto Joker said, initiating more beating of the dead horse.
"Hey, can't help it if you just suck." James Gunn laughed without a shred of sympathy. Hey, beating this dead horse is one that never gets old to be honest!
Leto Joker's following response was so explicit and deranged and frankly beyond even tasteless that it can't be worded out here, or even AO3 for that matter.
"And you!" Leto Joker pointed at Oliver Stone. "You're like the fucking Wachowskis! Haven't made a good movie since the 90s! And with you, I'm being reaaaaal generous with the definition of good!"
"I dunno, I thought Speed Racer was pretty neat." Tarantino butted in. "Though it coulda used more feet, heh heh"
"Yeah, I guess Speed Racer's pretty neat. If you've still got the mind of a kindergartner and all it takes to impress you are pretty colors and loud noises." Leto Joker whispered underhandedly.
Oliver Stone, in response to the accusations against the current quality of his cinematic commie ravings, just shrugged.
"So what if my movies ain't good? They're important, and important is better than good." And then Oliver Stone launched into his own rant. "And watchin' my movies at home is a big threat to their importance. How the fuck am I supposed to lecture and educate viewers about the dangers of the CIA, the FBI, Republicans, Democrats, the Deep State, the military industrial complex, the Vietnam War, the Fourth of July, fluoridation of our water... (his list of topics went on for a long time. Like Director's Cut of Nixon long) ...and the breakfast cereals in little boxes if they can pause the movie and go to the bathroom whenever they want? You pause my movies in the middle to take a leak, you're pissin' away my valuable lessons!"
Everyone except for Leto Joker began to clap as Oliver Stone caught his breath. Leto Joker was busy peeing over the edge of bridge they were on, because Jesus Christ did Oliver Stone lecture him for a long time. This was like the longest piss he ever took. To his frustration, Leto Joker's protests that there was no way he was gonna steal a lot of money for Dune and he sure as well wasn't doing it with any of them were falling on deaf ears. Suddenly, Tarantino stopped clapping and spoke out, and when he did it was like someone had pissed on the grave of cinema.
"I dunno... the big screen of cinema's the best and all obviously... but I think watchin' movies at home has its benefits too."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Villenueve spat out his coffee.
"I mean, sure the big screen lets you see feet in all their big bare meaty glory but you can't pause a theater screen to really get in close and admire them can you? At home I like to put on some of my movies and get right up against the screen and just imagine how a pretty gal's feet must stink after a whole day spent in socks and shoes. I think that maybe streaming does have its me-"
"CINEMA BLASPHEME! Tarantino, I excommunicate theeeeee!" Villenueve screamed like a harpy until suddenly his eyes glowed red. His pupils erupted with geysers of chi that swelled from 35mm to 70mm which flowed through all his essence into Villenueve's fingertips from which he projected 4K lasers into Tarantino. Quentin Tarantino screamed but was soon silent as Denis Villenueve completely eradicated him into nothingness.
"HOLY FUCK!" Leto Joker almost wet himself.
"Huh? Whuzzat?" Clint Eastwood briefly stirred from his nap before quickly falling asleep again.
Leto Joker realized that Villenueve really meant business.
"Now what were you saying, dear Joker?" Villenueve turned his attention to Leto Joker.
"Um... I'll get you your one billion trillion dollars. But..." Leto Joker took a deep breath. "I'll do it with my own crew."
"Fine. If you so insist." Villenueve shrugged. Before he snapped his fingers and Oliver Stone jabbed Leto Joker in the neck with a syringe injecting a nano-bomb into his bloodstream. "But if you get ze cold feet, fail in your mission, or defect to Big Streaming, we vill know! And you vill go boom-boom!"
"Awwww come ooooon!" Leto Joker whined.
"But know this, Joker, you are doing cinema a humongous favor if you succeed. With zee One Billion Trillion Dollars I will not only secure Zee franchise potential of Dune but also procure zee necessary funds to take zee war to Big Streaming themselves! And after zat, I shall destroy Big Streaming's progenitor... ze oldest enemy of cinema... TELEVISION AND HOME MEDIA! No more discs, no more tapes, nothing but the theater for watching movies! Do you know what DVD stands for? DEVIL'S VIDEO DISC! And VHS - VIDEO HOSTING SATANISM! Zee Devil is zee great enemy not of Christianity but of cinema! And by ensuring that zee big screen shall be zee only way to watch zee movies in zee forever future, I shall be the one who saves the Cinema for good!"
"Dude, you're fucking nuts!" Villenueve responded to that remark by kicking Leto Joker in the nuts, and with a snap of his fingers Oliver Stone and James Gunn hoisted him up by the pits before blindfolding and gagging him.
"Nuts? Nononononon hohohohohohoho! Zey said zee same thing about Jesus Christ and then he became zee original realization of Franchise Potential!" Villenueve burst into mustache-twirling laughter as Leto Joker was dragged away.
Back at the Three Jokers' apartment, Phoenix Joker was trying to get his bearings after that big encounter he had with President Joe Biden a couple of chapters ago. Somehow, the task of vaccinating all of America had fallen upon him. He was trying to brainstorm something, which wasn't easy because he had only gotten like an hour of sleep the night before because anxiety and thoughts of self-hatred kept him up all night. Also, Darkseid was like crashing on his couch and he had made noise all night playing Genshin Impact and then spent a couple more hours full-volume watching Fast & Furious movies and Phoenix Joker was too much of a pussy to tell Darkseid to shut the fuck up he needs his sleep.
Darkseid don't need sleep, sleep needs Darkseid.
Right now, Darkseid was watching the comedy sketch show I Think You Should Leave on Netflix.
"Ha ha ha Dan Flashes ha! Addicted to wine lol" Darkseid howled with laughter. "As long as Netflix is producing seasons of this show, I shall not invade this planet and raze it in my image."
"I don't know, man." Phoenix Joker sighed as he tried to kill the headache he had with bad coffee. "Comedy being funny is kind of problematic... y'know. Comedy should strive to be more like, socially conscientious and morally responsible, y'know..."
Darkseid turned around and simply looked right into his eyes. Phoenix Joker gulped, his pants tightened, and he decided to drop this train of thought.
At that awkward moment, the door to the apartment was unlocked and in stumbled Leto Joker. He looked like shit and smelled even worse.
"Hey, Jared."
"Hey, Joaquin."
"How's everything?"
"Oh, I just had the worst day of life. Your buddies were dicks to me, The Sopranos killed them and tried to kill me, then Bane broke my back, then my ex- did horrible slimy 'things' to me... then this John Cena-looking motherfucker broke my back too. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. Now I gotta steal one billion trillion dollars or else Denis Villenueve is gonna blow me up with nanobombs in my bloodstream!"
"The fuck?"
"Yeah! So how was your day?"
"Oh, I met Joe Biden. Somehow he delegated the responsibility of vaccinating America to me. Or he's gonna like drone strike me. Like Obama used to."
"I bet my bro Bernie Sanders wouldn't done ya dirty like that."
"Dude, not that again! Look, let's not get into that right now. Right now, I think what we can agree on is that we both got biiiiiig problems. Big problems that our bro from Apokolips can easily fix for us. Yo, Darkseid!"
Darkseid was too busy laughing, bursting into non-stop snorts and giggles as some bad dudes on the screen were splashing glasses of water on steaks. "Ha ha ha Sloppy Steaks are funny!"
Neither Joker had the balls to interrupt Darkseid to ask for a loan.
"Well... fuck. There goes Plan A." Leto Joker and Phoenix Joker looked at each other with a sigh as they put on their thinking caps. "Back to the drawing board. Fuck, man, where is Heath and his power of Joker Contrivance when you need him?"
On the next Three Jokers in the Pandemic:
Leto Joker really can't let bygones be bygones and reiterates how the past five years were all Hillary's fault, really - delaying the creation of their big plan a good four days
Lost in the Multiverse and tumbling through timestream, Ledger Joker meets Captain Oswald Bastable and Elric of Melnibone.
Darkseid is worried his son Orion thinks people can't change