A few hours later, an inconspicuously dressed team of lawyers from the entertainment company Warner Brothers, all with the same hollow-eyed stern expression, were leaving the apartment of the Three Jokers. The Jokebros had just been served. The lawyers were shoving papers into The Jokers' hands, while heavily armed corporate sercurity mercs were loading up and confiscating their weapons to be on the safe side.
Including, to Ledger Joker's chagrin, every pencil and similar writing implement upon which magic tricks could be performed.
"The fuck you mean the Batman's too valuable for us to kill? The bounty on his head is gonna pay for like saving the world from like, coronavirus." Ledger Joker complained as he shifted through a bunch of papers and threw them angrily at the lawyers.
"Coronavirus, schmonavirus!" The head lawyer replied. "I did the math for how much money saving the world from coronavirus will make us, and trust me sonny, it ain't even touchin' the scraps of what Batman makes for us every quarter!"
"Goddamn Bat-saturation!" Ledger Joker cried. "Fuck's so great about Batman, anyways? We, The Jokers, are where the real money comes from! (Well, maybe not Jared)"
"Hey!" Leto Joker protested. Everyone ignored him. While this was happening, Darkseid continued to ignore everything while he watched TV. This time he was watching Cowboy Bebop Live-Action on Netflix, trying to determine if it was a missing piece of his Anti-Life Equation. Two episodes in, he was leaning towards a Yes.
"Nobody goes for a burger and fries just for the burgers, lemme tell ya!" Ledger Joker proclaimed.
"And nobody above the age of five wants to eat just fries either, ya dumbass." The lawyer scoffed. He did not notice the sudden red wave of stifling embarrassment that swept over several others in the room.
"Nobody, my ass! You tell 'em, Joaquin!"
"Yeah! My solo Joker movie made like a billion of the dollars!" Phoenix Joker said with some pride.
"And that movie still snuck in a Baby Bruce Wayne and redid Batman's origin story for the millionth time." The Lawyer retorted. "Face it, Joker, you're only slightly more independent but no less dependent on the Big Bat than that birdboy Robin is."
"C'mon, don't you think the past forty years we've had enough freaking Batman?" Leto Joker butted in. "Maybe us killing Batman can mean a fresh new start for the DC Brand? How about you use his homicided-absence to, like, invest in Superman?"
Upon hearing the name of the Big Blue Boy Scout with the S on his Chest, the team of lawyers all burst into laughter.
"Hey! Without Superman, there'd be no DC Comics to even milk Batman comics with! And with no Batman, there's no us! Show some respect to the OG yo!" Leto Joker protested.
Ledger Joker shrugged. "Well, bro, there's gotta be a reason why they brand themselves DC Comics after Detective Comics, instead of AC Comics after Action Comics."
Author's Note: For the few reading this who don't know, Batman made his debut in Detective Comics and Superman made his debut in Action Comics.
"'sides, Superman's kinda gay." Ledger Joker snickerered.
"Or hey, try this idea - how about pushin' Wonder Woman for a change?" This request was made out of some progressive ideal of equality/empowerment, but not entirely – it's also made because Wonder Woman looks really good in a swimsuit/skirt and the more of that the better. People are disgusting but also complex beings!
Upon hearing Wonder Woman's name, the laughter of the lawyers from DC became truly uncontrollable and about half of them died laughing. The surviving lawyers kept on the chuckles as they limped away from the Jokers' apartment, wiping away joyous tears as they descended down the stairs.
"Great idea, Heath!" Leto Joker smacked Ledger Joker. "Now we got no more fucking weapons and we're at risk of being fucking sued into oblivion? Got any more bright ones?"
"PLENTY!" Ledger Joker kicked Leto Joker in the dick.
"Guys! Don't fight at a time like this!" Phoenix Joker tried to break them up, only to eat two fists from two for his troubles.
"You know, those lawyers said we couldn't kill the Batman… but they said nothing about robbing the Batman!"
"What're we gonna rob him with? The dust on our drawers?" Leto Joker asked. As soon as he finished his sentence, one of the lawyers ran back up and into their apartment, with a vacuum cleaner in hand.
"BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY!" The lawyer jeeringly yelled before slamming their apartment's door shut and locking it. Soon, the muffled sounds of a vacuum could be heard revving up.
"Dude, did those lawyers just lock us out of our own apartment?" Phoenix Joker stood in astonishment.
"I believe they did." Leto Joker blinked. "So, um, you two remember to pocket your keys? I left mine on the desk."
Ledger Joker shook his head no. "Those assholes said my keys constitute potential magic tricks, so they took 'em. Can you believe it?"
"All I gots are my car keys." Phoenix Joker checked his pockets.
"So great. At least we got your old shitwagon to live out of if those lawyers plan to keep pickin' through our casa. C'mon, let's go to McDonald's. A few McNuggers and Bee-Bee-Q sauce should cheer us up." Ledger Joker suggested.
The Three Jokers proceeded to walk to Phoenix Joker's car when suddenly their apartment above them exploded. Burning fragments rained down on the car, exploding it and throwing them all back.
"Ow ow ow owwcch not the fuck again!" Ledger Joker bitched as he pulled some glass out of his ass.
"What the frig-flip! That was my caaaaaar!" Phoenix Joker cried. From out of the flaming wreckage that was once their apartment, Darkseid floated in, his eyes burning with vengeance. Darkseld held in one hand the smoky skull of the formerly living lawyer, and under his other arm was the Jokers' TV with all the necessary cables and boxes and stuff.
"That little man shouldn't have interrupted me when I'm watching a new JoJo." Darkseid said as he crushed the skull into nothing.
"Holy fuck!" Ledger Joker whimpered.
"Dudes, I guess we got so used to him just eating our food and watching our Netflix that we forgot he's fucking Darkseid!" Leto Joker said. Hack that I am, I think I stole this joke from Mike Tyson Mysteries.
"Uh, Darkseid, you also blew up our apartment. And my car. Now we've got nowhere to live, nowhere to go." Phoenix Joker explained.
Darkseid shrugged. "And that is my problem, how? Seriously, I'm doing you a favor. Now you can find a shithole that isn't overcharging you on rent."
"Man, this is America!" Leto Joker butted in. "You can't find any shithole like that no more!"
"Like I said, not my problem, bros." Darkseid ignored the issue of the rent being too damn high and opened up a boom tube back to Apokolips.
"Darkseid, can we at least crash on Apokolips while we get back on our feet?" Phoenix Joker got on his knees and begged.
"Dude, Joker, that is pathetic. Show some dignity, bro." Darkseid shook his head. "And no way jose – do I look like the type who tolerates freeloaders?"
Darkseid laughed as he boom-tubed away.
"Fuck!" One of the Jokers exclaimed.
A few minutes later, after they had mugged a few passing businessmen, The Three Jokers were at McDonald's. They were huddled together around in a booth in the corner, looking down at half-eaten McGangBang's in a sea of spilt over fries going stale.
"You ever realize that for all their hype, McD's fries got like maybe one minute of golden crisp tastiness before they start to give In-N-Out fries a run for the mehness?" Leto Joker mused as he swirled a McNugget around in a tub of BBQ sauce, humming the Jaws theme. I stole this gag from Clerks.
"Shut up and eat your McNuggets, man. You got us into this fucking mess over some goddamn chemical sludge to put your pink slime in." Ledger Joker sat at the edge of the booth, watching over many diners who were huddled on the floor in terror. He had his hand in his coat to give off the illusion of having a gun to fire on them, even though the lawyers had taken away all their guns. Angrily, he drank from his soda cup.
(He got Hi-C)
They'd just taken the entire joint hostage after Leto Joker got real pissed that they had no Szechaun Sauce for the Chicken McNuggets and refused to settle for BBQ. Wow, talk about a dead meme from the before Covid times! Even though they had no guns. Through the sheer force of Joker charisma or something, I guess. Rolled a bunch of 20s in a row, all ya need to know.
"You're just jealous you ain't got the IQ to get Rick and Morty. Hmph." Leto Joker sneered and bit begrudgingly into his McNugget.
"No shit I don't. Cause I got the IQ to appreciate REAL ADULT COMEDY CARTOON shows. Like South Park. And… uh… Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt! And and Sealab 2021!"
Upon realizing that the current year made it so that Sealab 2021 was now taking place in the past and also there still was no Season 2 of PSG all these years later, Ledger Joker briefly had an M. Night Shyamalan OLD gif moment but he quickly recovered by insulting Leto Joker.
"I bet all you Rick and Morty watching fuckheads only like it cause gay-ass Family Guy is somehow too smart for you."
"Uh, can we go home?" One of the hostage workers begged.
"Shut up! No sauce, no home!" Leto Joker shrieked and fired a few inches away from the hostage's crotch. "We're gonna keep you for hostage as long as we like and the Ronald McDonald corporation ain't gonna give you any overtime, counseling, or any fucking compensation of any kind for any of this! Cause this is capitalism in America, baby! But don't despair… BERNIE BROS WILL NEVER GIVE UP!"
"God, this is retarded. You're retarded." Ledger Joker complained.
"Dude! Stop saying that! It's not okay anymore! It never should've been!" Phoenix Joker chastised him, while struggling to work through a Big Mac which despite its name always feels like the smallest and least filling shit you could get off the McDonald's Menu.
"Fuck off, ya retard. When'd ya become such a pissant sensitive SJW? What are you, a faaaaaaaaaaaa-." At that moment, before this truly enlightening conversation could develop further, one of the door to the McDonald's opened and in stumbled a very drunken Christian Bale Batman.
"HEY I'LL HAVE A WHOPPER." Baleman strolled up to the counter, oblivious to the fact that everyone was on the floor huddled in terror.
"Save us Batman!" The hostages all begged.
"Shut up pussy-cat!" Leto Joker screamed and kicked one of them in the dick. Baleman did not seem to notice. He just stared dead-eyed at the manager.
"I'M HUNGRY. I'M TIRED. I WANT A WHOPPER." Baleman grumbled.
"Sir… this is… uh…" The manager mumbled, trying to point out the Jokers in the back, that everyone here was a terrified hostage.
"FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING ON ABOUT?" Baleman said. "THIS IS A WENDY'S, ISN'T IT? SO WHERE'S MY FUCKING WHOPPER? SO ARE YOU GONNA MAKE ME A WHOPPER WITH ONION RINGS BEFORE I BREAK YOUR NECK BUT TOTALLY NON-LETHALLY SO I WILL NOT BREAK MY NO KILL RULE BUT STILL PARALYZE YOU SO COMPLETELY FOREVER YOU WILL WISH YOU WERE DEAD?"
"Gulp!" The manager weighed the risks of a pissed-off Christian Bale Batman and the risks of pissed-off Jokers. He may have just been a Micky D's manager and not the DoP on the film Terminator Salvation but the manager came to a decision about who posed the greater risk to make a Whopper and Onion Rings despite this being McDonald's which does not sell whoppers and onion rings and it stands to reason the manager had no idea how to make those.
"That motherfucker! Who does he think he is, waltzing in and fucking about like he owns the place?" Ledger Joker felt a vein twitching, a few blood vessels swelling. "Especially after what he did to me a few chapters ago, that fuckface! HEY BATMAN!"
"OH, IT'S YOU." Baleman turned around as Ledger Joker lunged at him, plastic McD's fork in hand. "I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT YOU, JOKER."
Upon hearing this, Ledger Joker stopped in his tracks. "What the fuck?"
"YEAH, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH THESE LOSERS. FUCK EM, KILL EM, I DON'T CARE. I JUST WANNA GET MY WHOPPER AND GO. EVERYTHING HAS SUCKED LATELY. MY FRIENDS SUCK."
"I can relate to that!" Leto Joker piped up.
"SHUT UP, FUCKBOY!" Baleman and Ledger Joker both screamed at him.
"What was that about friends?" Phoenix Joker asked.
"I THOUGHT MY FRIENDS WERE COOL CAUSE THEY WERE BATMAN AND I'M BATMAN TOO. BUT IT TURNS OUT NO ONLY I'M COOL, THEY DROOL. TITANIC TACO TUESDAY WAS THE LAST STRAW."
This initiated a flashback to Titanic Taco Tuesday at Wayne Manor. It was called that because they rented out the best damn taqueria in Gotham to cater for an all-night build-your-own taco bar with their Batbucks, while watching the 1997 film Titanic projected on the biggest damn screen possible.
Everyone was having a ball of a time, except for Val Kilmer's Batman who had awkwardly misread the memo and gotten Taco Bell at the drive-thru ahead of time. BatKilmer awkwardly slunk back into the shadows hoping nobody saw him gorging upon the most cheesy of Gordita Crunches. And then there was the matter of Christian Bale's Batman who had some protestations with the choice of movie.
"SERIOUSLY, GUYS? ANOTHER CHICK FLICK? AND NOT JUST ANY CHICK FLICK – BUT THE CHICKEST OF THE CHICK FLICKS!" Baleman moaned to BatKeaton, who was enjoying a chorizo taco with a shot of tequila.
"What the hell are you on about, kiddo?" BatKeaton glared. "Titanic's a mighty fine film."
"NO IT ISN'T! TITANIC IS OVERRATED BORING GIRLY GIRL SHIT WITH AN HOUR OF HOLLOW DESTRUCTION PORN AT THE END! WE SHOULD BE WATCHING THE REAL BEST MOVIE OF 1997 INSTEAD – L.A. FUCKING CONFIDENTIAL! HELL, I'D RATHER BE WATCHING BATMAN & ROBIN THAN THIS SHIT!"
"Fucking kids – can't appreciate some good 'ol fashioned romantic epic filmmaking." BatKeaton sighed and grumbled to himself.
"C'MON, LOOK AT THAT! WE'RE GROWN BATMEN! YOU'RE EMBARASSING YOURSELF!"
Baleman was referring to George Clooney's Batman, who was weeping into a pink margarita as Rose let go of Jack's corpsicle. The man with the Batnipples was a broken faucet of emotion.
"THOSE DUMBASSES COULD'VE TOTALLY BOTH FIT ON THAT STUPID DOOR! THIS MOVIE IS STUPID!"
"Shut up, Baleman! You're ruining the moment!" BatKeaton chided him as he calmly lifted up a [insert spicy pepper variety here] and crushed it right in front of Baleman's eyes, squirting the searing pepper juices into 'em.
"AW WHAT THE FUCK BRO!" Baleman screamed as he fell over and writhed around.
"Don't fuck with Titanic Taco Tuesday, son." BatKeaton said before turning his attention back to the movie. "Gee whiz, Billy Zane's a dick."
Eventually the credits rolled and by then Batfleck and Battinson had gotten completely drunk off mojitos due to their fiendish addiction to the cocktails. They had drug out a super gothic looking organ. While Battinson played, Batfleck held a lighter in one hand and a microphone in the other. He lead the rest of the Batmen along in a high-spirited high-drunken sing-along extra-Batgothic rendition of "My Heart Will Go On."
"Cuuuuh-mooooaaaaan, Balebats! Join us yooooo broseph yooooobro!" The drunken Battinson belched out as he hit the keys.
"You'rrrrrre heeeeeere, theeeeeere's nothinnnn' I feaaaaaaaar~~~!" Batfleck drunkenly sang and his chorus of fellow boozehounds followed at all different imperfect points of sync. He threw the microphone at Baleman, which bounced off chest's bat-emblem with dull thud.
The music stopped. Everyone stared at Baleman, waiting for his answer.
"OH HELL NO!" Baleman dashed to the exit of Stately Wayne Manor.
"Hhhh… he's no fucking fun." Batfleck shrugged before turning his attention back to the other Batmen. "Alright Batmans, one more time from the top!"
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
This is how I know you go on
The cursed lyrics kept ringing through Baleman's head as he ran like a madman, or flew like a bat outta hell, from Wayne Manor knocking over at least three Alfreds into the pool or bushes on his way.
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
"DAMN YOU JAMES CAMERON AND CELINE DION!" Baleman cried, tears streaming down his face, as he hopped into his ol Tumbler Batmobile and blasted off into the unknown night one hand on the wheel as the other curled into a fist and futilely punched the roof in frustration.
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go until you're gone
Baleman hit a switch and on the dash secret compartment popped out. It was a bottle of cheap liquor you can find at your local pharmacy, where you can also get a Covid vaccination or booster shot. And don't forget your flu shots, either! Get vaccinated! Baleman began chuggin' hoping that the sloshing descent of liquor to his tummy would muffle the bloody Celine Dion, and then drove off drinkin' while drivin' with no destination in mind.
"AND THAT'S HOW I GOT TO WHERE I AM… WAITING FOR MY GODDAMN WHOPPER!" Baleman bitched. He banged on the counter and screamed. "C'MON BITCH EXPEDITE THAT ORDER! I'M THE GODDAMN BATMAN!"
"Wait, that's why you ditched the other Batmans?" Phoeinx Joker asked for clarification. "Because… they watched… Titanic? The movie, Titanic?"
"TITANIC WAS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW OF PROOF I NEEDED THAT THIS PANDEMIC HAS FUCKED EVERY BATMAN'S HEAD UP BUT MINE!" Baleman insisted. "I NEEDED TO GET OUT TO PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF THE BRAND!"
"I dunno." Leto Joker shrugged. "Maybe it's you who's the pandemic-fucked asshole."
"FUCK YOU SAY, YOU MARKET COLA LOOKING JOKER?"
"I mean, you don't gotta act like a lil mop bitch just cause you can't appreciate Titanic." Leto Joker shrugged. "Let me guess… you think LA Confidential was robbed of the Oscar?"
"NO SURPRISE YOU LIKE TITANIC! YOU USED TO HAVE A BIG DAMAGED TATTOO ON YOUR HEAD. WHERE'D IT GO? YOU PRETENDING YOU GOT GOOD TASTE?"
"Should we butt in before this gets out of head?" A nervous Phoenix Joker nudged Ledger Joker, who was bewildered by what was unfolding before him.
"Nah. Let some other Joker deal with Christian Bathole's shit for once." Ledger Joker shrugged.
"At least I fight a Batman who doesn't wear hockey pads." Leto Joker shot back.
"I DON'T WEAR HOCKEY PADS."
"Body armor is just overglorified hockey pads, dude." Leto Joker insisted. This really set Baleman off.
"DIEEEEEEEEE" Baleman swung at Leto Joker with his elbows, as he was prone to doing in his hand-to-hand fights in The Dark Knight Trilogy. Leto Joker easily side-stepped all the elbows, then kicked Baleman in the dick.
"AAAAAAAAGH." Baleman buckled up and collapsed. As he did, a piece of paper fell out of his Batbelt. Curious, Leto Joker picked it up. The other two Jokers were dumbfounded.
"Uh, Heath… did Leto Joker somehow fight a Batman of them all and win?"
"How the fuck did he do that? I never did that, and I'm a better Joker than both of yous!"
"C'mon guys, haven't you seen The Dark Knight Trilogy? This fucker can't fight without the assistance of shaky cams and quick cutting. Do you see any of those things here? Now, take a look at this." Leto Joker held up the paper he'd gotten off the conquered Baleman.
The paper was a map that contained detailed blueprints for none other than Stately Wayne Manor. This was a damn treasure map for anyone who needed lots of money, and lots of it fast, and didn't mind obtaining it through less than legally capitalist advocated means.
"Hey, I know we ain't supposed to know this, but if Batman's really Bruce Wayne and all the multiverse Batmans are together in this one Earth like we are, that must mean they got all their big Bat bucks in one place. The money we need, it's right there just waiting to be taken." Leto Joker explained.
"Looks like Operation Rob the Batman is back in session." Ledger Joker rubbed his palms together. "All we need is a crew to take the bullets help us get it done. You know what this means… JOKER RECRUITMENT DRIVE!"
"And here's something to get us started on the road." Phoenix Joker tip-toed over to the fallen Baleman, and took his wallet from his Batbelt along with his car keys. With a mocking jingle of the keys, Phoenix Joker skipped away to rejoin his buddies.
The Three Jokers then ran away.
Groaning, Baleman managed to crawl to the counter and worked himself up. He found himself facing the manager, who had finished his order and had put it on a tray. Baleman looked down, then looked at the manager.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? A QUARTER POUNDER AND FRIES? I ORDERED A WHOPPER AND ONION RINGS YOU BITCH. I JUST HAD THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE AND A WHOPPER WOULDA REALLY CHEERED ME UP AND YOU JUST HADDA GO FUCK THAT UP TOO. NOW I GOTTA CHEER ME UP BY DOIN' THIS." Baleman grabbed the manager and started shaking him like Michael J. Fox. "FUCK YOU THINK WE ARE? MCFRIGGINDONALDS?"
Perhaps the Baleman had just caught these McDonald's employees at a very bad moment – after all, they'd just been taken hostage by Jared Leto's Joker and to be taken hostage by the lamest Joker was enough of an indignity in of itself. But these were special pandemic times and the world was headed into a third year of getting down with the sickness with no end in sight. These McDonald's employees had just dealt with two years of the shit of Covid-truthing anti-masking anti-vaxxing Karens and whatever the male equivalent term and Baleman had unknowingly become the straw that broke the camel's back.
Suddenly, with an unexpected surge in adrenaline, the Manager broke Baleman's grip on him and did a backflip kick into Baleman's chin. Anyone who was not an employee rushed out of the McDonald's, screaming.
"WHATTHEFUCCCCCCCC" Baleman thought as he went flying. And as soon as he landed, another employee leapt over the counter and threw a tub of hot fry oil on him. Fry cooks pelted him with burning quarter pounder patties as others sprayed Big Mac sauce in his eyes blinding him.
"Enough is enough! The customer ain't always right… sometimes the customer gets dead wrong!" An employee shouted as they all began jumping on Baleman in a pile.
"GODDAMN IT ALL I WANTED WAS FUCKING WHOPPER. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HAVE IT YOUR WAY?" Baleman protested as they began dragging him over to the soda fountain to begin some caffeinated water-boarding.
"So what's the plan?" The Three Jokers had stolen the Tumbler and were cruising outta Gotham to the interstate highway. They were taking turns driving, well at least Phoenix and Ledger Joker were. Ledger Joker was always finding some convenient excuse as to why Leto Joker's turn was skipped over. Phoenix Joker was in shotgun, asking the relevant questions. "You said somethin' about a Joker Recruitment Drive? So does that mean we gonna phone up all the other Jokers?"
"Heck no." Ledger Joker said as he turned the Tumbler to carefully smash an Amazon delivery truck over the side of a bridge. "THAT'S FOR DELIVERIN' MY [insert your favorite recent video game here] A DAY AFTER RELEASE DATE! Anyhoo, we don't need the other Jokers. I mean, Jack's dead and he was like not much fun when he was here to begin with. Cesare, dude's just gonna camp-cramp our style. And Mark, well we ain't lettin' a fucking cartoon overshadow us are we?"
"Well, what about Cam" Leto Joker opened his mouth only for Ledger Joker to reach back and punch him in the teeth.
"DON'T BRING HIM UP! DUDE AIN'T EVEN A REAL JOKER! HE'S A FAKER! FAKER THAN YOU, JARED! FROM A FAKE FUCKING SHOW!" Ledger Joker calmed down. "No, what I'm planning is… did you two watch Space Jam 2?"
The other two Jokers cringed. Why on Earth would anyone admit to having watched Space Jam 2?
"Combined with my recent misadventures through the Multiverse of Madn-" A Disney copyright patrol cruiser pulled up alongside the Tumbler. Ledger Joker gulped and shut up. Disney's lawyers, like the IRS, were not a threat to be fucked with. The copyright patrol cruiser drove away. "Erm… It taught me that this world we're living is, our very existence… it's all basically IP. IP that's content that's just waiting to be sold and consumed. And who says we have to stick to our IP? Mean, look at how Jared got his ass kicked by Tony Soprano a few chapters ago. No, it's a whole world of content out there. So we pop over to these other worlds of non-Batman content and we find folks just waitin' to be Jokerized like fries. This is how we build our New Joker Army."
"You mean it's…" The other two Jokers buzzed with anticipation.
"Yeah, baby! It's… CROSSOVER TIME!"
On the next Three Jokers in the Pandemic:
The Three Jokers conclude they aren't getting involved with the Joker of Japan again. Not after what happened the last time, in BC 2019 (Before Covid 2019)
Christian Bale's Batman gets back up and pwns them when a drunken tik-toker with a shaky hand wanders into the McDonald's.