This chapter of Three Jokers in the Pandemic was sponsored by Mountain Dew Spark, now available at a store near you, and the Little Caesar's The Batman Calzony available for a limited time at participating locations.
Six Hours Ago in the last Chapter
Dean Pelton stared at the Three Jokers with some skepticism.
"So you want a job at this school… teaching… whatever the heck Jokerfication is Just what is Jokerfication?"
"Well you see, we're gearing up to rob The Batmans." Phoenix Joker explained. "We think your school has a lot of potential Jokers and we wanna set up a class to recruit the best into our Joker Gang."
"Yep. What he said. You wanna sneak preview? You wanna know how I got these scars?" Ledger Joker pulled his knife out and flicked it around in his hands before grabbing Dean Pelton and shoving the knife into the Dean's mouth. To his great disappointment, the Dean showed no signs of fear. It could barely be considered mild consternation that a knife was in his mouth and threatening to scar things up. The Dean tried to yawn, which was hard since the Joker was clamping his mouth shut while holding a knife against a corner.
"Uh, you should be sweating like a lil mop bitch while I regale ya with some grippin' yarn from my multi-thread past." Ledger Joker chided the Dean.
"Whaaatmaaakesyuuuuuthiiink…" The Dean mumbled some muffled protest as he slowly took Ledger Joker by the arm and slide his knife out himself. "...that this is my first pointy objects rodeo? The stories I could tell, ho ha!"
The Dean got up on his desk and sat cross-legged. "Now what makes you boys think that you deserve to start up this new class on such short notice?"
"If you don't, we'll tattoo a bunch of cringe tattoos on you. Make you look like Jared used to. Like, a big fucking Damaged on your forehead." Ledger Joker threatened.
"Hey, my tats weren't cringe!" Leto Joker protested but as usual everyone ignored him.
"Salt Lake City, 1997. Been there, done that." The Dean shrugged. "You boys are failing to make your case as to why I should do this for you instead of just finding a new Intro to Stand-up Comedy professor. Intro to Stand-up Comedy, y'know, the class I'd have to be replacing to let you teach yours?"
Stand-up Comedy. That phrase triggered Phoenix Joker. Suddenly, he went berserk and kicked the Dean in the chin. As the Dean went down, Phoenix Joker pointed his fingers like a gun. I guess they still didn't get their guns back after they lost them a few chapters ago and I was too lazy to search up the gun control laws in Colorado.
He planted his finger-gun square on the Dean's forehead.
"What is this?" The Dean asked.
"If you don't give us what we want… I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"
"That… that is your fingers in the shape of a gun. That's not an actual gun."
"Fuck no. It's my very special INVISIBLE JOKER GUN." Phoenix Joker claimed.
"Yeah. We'll all shoot you with our invisible guns." Ledger Joker also pointed his fingers at the Dean.
"Uh… are we stooping so low as to steal jokes from fucking Yugioh Abridged now?" Leto Joker pointed out.
"Shut up and get cocked and loaded, Jared." Ledger Joker invisible pistol whipped Leto Joker into compliance. Whimpering, Leto Joker bitterly extended his fingers into the shape of a gun.
"Invisible guns don't exist. Also, you're doing it wrong. Invisible guns would be like, if you were holding a gun if it was invisible. Not like pointing your fingers like they were a gun." The Dean insisted.
"You friggin smart-aleck, will ya shut it?" Ledger Joker hissed.
"Try and make me. You can't kill me with an invisible gun. Because they aren't real and only real things can kill me."
"Oh, but do you really wanna take the chance? What if these really are invisible guns and before you know it invisible bullets have blown your brains out? You ready to meet the Devil at the crossroads, fuckboy?" Phoenix Joker slowly began to pull back on the invisible trigger.
"Pew pew pew pew!" He and Ledger Joker spewed as they fired their invisible guns at the Dean
"Uh… pew pew…" Leto Joker half-heartedly joined them.
"Louder, Jared! Show some fucking enthusiam! You're no fun!" Ledger Joker chastised Leto Joker.
The Dean laughed. It turns out invisible guns aren't real just because you say they are. "See? Your invisible guns are not real. They cannot hurt me."
Leto Joker rushed in and kicked the Dean in the gut.
"A BOOT IN YOUR BREADBASKET IS REAL ENOUGH!" Leto Joker yelled. "This is just what we shoulda done from the beginning, instead of this stupid invisible guns gag!"
The Three Jokers began kicking the Dean just like-a that scene from JoJo Part 5 until he finally gave in and gave them what they wanted. Wow, the Jokers are better negotiators than President Joe Biden.
"Ok, you can have your class. On two conditions - stop hitting me for one! And two - if no replacement Stand-Up Comedy prof answers that Craigslist ad I put out by the end of the day." The Dean posited.
"Ha! What are the chances of that happening!" Phoenix Joker laughed. Indeed, what are the chances? The Three Jokers were so caught up in their laughter that they didn't notice the man-sized sounds of something spying on them in the vents above scuttling away.
Now back to Present Time, Present Day.
It was morning and the start of a new school day. Students were pouring into the classroom of the new class Intro to Jokerfication. Some of them were there out of morbid curiosity, while others were there because the class premise sounded so absurd it surely had to be easy credit. Seated at the front of the class were four members of the Greendale Study Group - Jeff Winger, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, and Pierce Hawthorne. Next to them were three empty seats. Jeff looked at the seats, then at the door as more students came in. Class was nearly full, about to start. Where was the rest of the study group?
Only Britta was masked up. She was grumbling to herself. "I'll prove to you all that Covid exists. Then I'll have such a totes good time scolding you all that I took it responsibly because I'm special and you didn't because you are not."
"Speak up Britta. I can't hear you through your paranoia." Pierce taunted her.
"Can the dramatics, you two." Jeff butted in before the conversation could escalate. "We had enough of that yesterday. And where the hell is everyone else?"
"Oh, Abed told me last night he couldn't in good conscience sign up for a class that teaches people to be Jokers. He said the Joker is a very bad man and we shouldn't be learning how to be like him. We should instead learn to be like Batman." Annie explained. "And I guess where Abed goes, Troy follows."
"Hmph. Spoken like a true pair of cishet males! Batman sucks! He's rich and white so he's baaaaad! Not like me, white and female!" Britta sneered.
"Perhaps Abed could not in good conscience take this class…" A familiar voice spoke up. Jeff's heart sunk. He already knew what would be entering the classroom right now. But he still turned and looked anyway.
"...but conscience is no problem for… EVIL ABED." Abed entered the classroom in all black, with an extremely fake paper goatee taped on him. And right behind him Troy walked in, who was also dressed in all black and wearing a surgical voice box crafted out of used cereal boxes and Elmer's glue around his neck. When Troy spoke, it was a clearly faked and bad attempt at imitating someone who could not speak due to cancer or whatever.
"And his second-in-command of evil-doing, EVIL TROY." Troy and Abed struck evil poses. "Evil Troy and Evil Abed here to make an evil morning!"
Jeff groaned. "Guys, I thought we resolved this evil darkest timeline bullshit a gazillion semesters ago!"
"You only thought you did. Or perhaps you truly did for a time vanquish the Darkest Timeline." Abed leered evilly at Jeff while he evilly stroked his goatee of evil. "But did you learn nothing from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine S4E20 - 'Shattered Mirror?' You can't keep a good darkest timeline down. We're gonna be back every year and it totally won't get tiring quick."
"Yeah! And check out Star Trek Enterprise S4E18 & S4E19 - 'In a Mirror, Darkly?' The Darkest Timeline was inevitable from the start!" Troy cackled, before Abed smacked him.
"Owwwww! What was that for, Evil Abed?" Troy started tearing up.
"We don't talk about friggin' Enterprise in this darkest timeline, Evil Troy." Abed wagged a disapproving finger. "Just because new Star Trek sucks doesn't mean we have to pull a Prequels Revisionism and start pretending Enterprise was good now. The Darkest Timeline isn't that dark."
Jeff sighed as he got out his phone. "We really need to do something about what you're allowed to watch on Netflix."
"Shut up, Jeff. You're not our Evil Mom. You can't tell us what to do." Abed blew his tongue before biting his thumb at Jeff. "Look, Jeff. I am biting my thumb at you. Now I'm making googly eyes for the goody two-shoes baby man Good Jeff. Goo-goo-gaaa."
"Stop it, Abed."
"No, I won't. It would be good to stop but I am evil so I will continue because that is evil. Ha ha ha. You can't stop me."
"You wanna test that theory?" Jeff started rolling up his sleeves and rose out of his seat, only to hear a disapproving murmur from Britta.
"Evil Abed is a person of color! Just because he is evil doesn't mean you can beat on him like you're the LAPD! If you lay one hand on Abed, I'm gonna like soooooo report you for hate crimes. And everyone is gonna see how enlightened an ally I am when I do!" Britta sounded like she was daring him to do it. Jeff sat back in his seat. He would not give them the satisfaction of snapping him like this.
"Ok, so that takes care of Troy and Abed." Annie giggled nervously as an awkward peace came over them. "But where's Shirley?"
At that moment, Professor J.P. Joker and his TA H.L. Joker walked into the classroom and made their way to the front.
"I'm sorry to inform the Greendale Study Group that your Mrs. Bennett has chosen to drop out of this class. She informed me via text that…" Phoenix Joker held up his phone. "...that we should all get Jesus before it's too late. You for real, bitch? Joker is Jesus!"
He'd intended laughter. Nobody laughed. Hey, there's a reason why the Joker's a criminal dressed like a comedian and not actually a comedian.
"Hmm. Of all the main players to get written out of this fanfic first, I'd have honestly put my money on Pierce." Abed pondered.
"You're still on this fanfic bullshit, Abed?" Jeff wearily asked.
"Yes. But I'm on it much more evilly than Good Abed was, Jeff." Abed smiled at Jeff. Jeff groaned.
"You will shut up when the Teach is talking!" TA Joker whacked Jeff with the ruler.
"What the fudge? I wasn't the one who was taWHAAAAAACK." TA Joker whacked Jeff again.
"I'm sorry, kiddo, but the menstruating self-righteous blonde is right. It might be… problematic… if we did violence to a person of color." Professor Joker shrugged. "Just because I'm The Joker don't mean I can't set some standards."
"That's so stuSMAAAAAACK." TA Joker broke the ruler across Jeff's jaw.
"You wanna wear this ruler for life, motormouth?" TA Joker shook Jeff before shoving half of the broken ruler into Jeff's mouth, the shiny metal part against the corner of his mouth. "So… you wanna know how I got these scars?"
"Mmppph!" Jeff protested.
"You see, back in high school, I was the big man on campus. I was the star quarterback of the football team and even without my straight A 4.0 GPA, I was gonna coast my way into the Ivy League onto a football scholarship. I was like banging seven different chicks all named Veronica at once." TA Joker led Jeff around the room, ruler still shoved in his mouth, like they were dancing the tango. He stared real intensely into Mr. Winger's eyes.
"Every day, fools would try to challenge me to all manner of physical contests in vain attempts to usurp the crown of King of O'Neil High from me. No matter what it was, whether it be football or marathon, I took them all on and I won. No one could stop me, God Alpha Fricking Male."
"Uh… should we be doing something?" A concerned Annie asked.
"Everyone calm down." Professor Joker assured them. "This is all part of the course, a firsthand demonstration of Jokerfication."
TA Joker meanwhile continued on with his big speech. "But then, this scrawny little nerd called… called… Christopher Nolan! I'd never paid attention to the nerds before, unless I needed some extra lunch money. But this little nerd… he challenged me. Challenged me to a game of HALO! ON XBOX! I laughed and said yes, I thought it would be easy pickins' like every other time. But no, it was different. The damn Xbox controller, it was so big I couldn't even lift it! I knew damn nothing about video games then. But he was a master, like a pupil of the deadly ninja arts. Christopher Nolan kept no-scoping me! In Halo! On Xbox! And just like that… all my fame and power was gone. Gone over to him."
TA Joker tightened his grip on Jeff Winger. Jeff was sweating quarts of sweat now.
"Instantly for my disgrace, I was kicked off the football squad. All the top universities rescinded their offers. Not even Trump University would take me. My parents died of ebola from the sudden shock and stress. Then to rub it all in, Christopher Nolan made me his prostitute and spent the rest of the semester pimping me out to fund his dreams of filmmaking. And he inaugurated it by taking a Nintendo Wii Remote out of his pants. He had two of my former teammates hold me down while he shoved it into my mouth. And like Matthew McConaughey with a piece of K Fried C, Christopher Nolan made me slap his ass as I fellated his Wiimote. It was too big for my mouth. As I fellated the Wimote, my mouth just a little bit wider with each suck. And Christopher Nolan, he started hooting like a cowboy and going - WHY SO SERIOUS? WHY SO SERIOUS? I was powerless to do anything but suck his Wiimote as it went in and out. Then one final thrust, and the Wiimote ripped open my mouth JUST LIKE THIS!" With a broken ruler, TA Joker proceeded to carve a Glasgow smile into Jeff Winger. "You see? Why so serious?"
TA Joker let go of Jeff Winger, who fell to the ground and began writhing in howling pain as geysers of blood shot out of his cut mouth. "From that day forth, Chad was dead. But as the ashes of my old life cleared, I knew my future was anything but ended or uncertain. I would not only become a gamer like the New God who had bested me… but I would also become… THE JOKER."
"You crazy motherfuckers! This freaking hurts! I'M TELLING!" Jeff picked himself up and ran out of the classroom sobbing like a little girl as blood continued to spray out of his wounds and splashed the class.
"Well, that was unexpected. So much blood." Troy said somewhat shook as he wiped Jeff's blood off him. The entire classroom was gaping at what had just happened.
"Eh. It was evil. But it wasn't that evil. After nine fucking Saw movies mutilation is so old hat." Abed shrugged.
"Who cares? That kind of stuff happens to WOMEN all the time and no one cares but the second it happens to a MAN it's breaking news? Where were you when Ted Bundy was carving co-eds up coast-to-coast? You stupid selfish boys?" Britta sneered with patented self-righteousness.
"I was not born yet. Neither was Troy. Not much we can do." Abed shrugged.
"THAT'S NO EXCUSE!" Britta yelled back. Meanwhile, the other students were starting to panic because TA Joker had just mutilated Jeff Winger.
"That's it! I'm calling an ambulance!" Annie pulled out her phone. Only for TA Joker to shoot it to pieces.
"NO PHONES IN CLASS, BITCH." TA Joker screamed at the screaming Annie, who was justifiably panicked because a Joker had just shot up her phone.
Professor Joker addressed the class. "Calm down, kiddos. TA Joker is allowed to do that because he is The Joker and Mr. Winger was not the Joker. I mean, don't you ever just wish you could take all the annoying people in society and just fuck em up? As The Joker, we do that whenever we please! And just play video games when we aren't! Being The Joker is great! And god willing… a lucky few of you are gonna graduate this class with full Joker privileges too."
"Give me some rope, tie me to dream
Give me the hope to run out of steam
Somebody said it could be here
We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year~"
Janitor JL Joker, who was conspicuously not a professor or a teaching assistant, overheard a familiar cloying yet ironically bleak pop rock song being sung by some cheerleaders skipping by. In front of him he saw many crushed paper fortune tellers spread out in front of him, all decorated in blue ink. He began sweeping into a dustpan.
"This song is not gonna get old… fast… not! Why is everyone here singing or listening to it? It's not good!" Janitor Joker complained as he swept up trash and cleaned surfaces. Students were throwing trash down at his feet as they passed by to complicate his job, laughing as they did. "I can't fricking believe it. We only have a budget for one TA, Dean Knobhead says. Don't worry, we got a job just as great and important for the school and you can have it, Dean Knobhead says. And those two friggers just go along it!"
"Aw, quit yer bitchin', snowflake." Leonard said as he walked up carrying a box of pizza under his arms (hold it horizontally, not vertically, unless you hate it when your toppings aren't spilled over to the side), conspicuously spilling a whole Monster Energy Ultra Sunrise at the ground in front of Janitor Joker. "Now get moppin, slave!"
On a nearby student's portable radio, the radio station that plays needle drops that are very conveniently suited or sometimes extremely funnily unsuited to the situation started playing "I'm the Ocean" by Neil Young off the album Mirror Ball.
Leonard cackled as he walked away. Janitor Joker groaned and got to work on the spill. As he did, fratboys were stumbling up in a drunken daze to pee in the puddle having assumed it to be a very large communal urinal in a communal marijuana-induced hallucination and they were quite eager to partake in that most brotherly of bonding bro activities - the communal piss. Some of them were so tripping they started peeing on Janitor Joker too.
"Aw, come the frick on guys!" He complained to no avail. "What the hell kind of campus is this hell?"
He might have wished he was in there instead of cleaning up shit, but the vibes in the classroom of Intro to Jokerfication were hardly any better than they were knee-deep in the garbage.
"You Jokers suck!" A defiant Pierce Hawthorne was speaking out. Professor Joker was trying really hard to go through the semester's syllabus and introduce the fundamentals of Jokerfication to the class, but the old balding swelling marshmallow meets Larry David-looking medium talent schmuck wouldn't stop heckling him every other word.
"What was that, punk?" An irate TA Joker stormed up to Pierce and slammed his hands down on the oldster's desk.
"I'm sayin' Cesar Romero was much better than you two clowns! Nicholson, Ledger, Leto, and Phoenix… you all wish you had what he had." Pierce laughed without a scrap of fear in the Joker's face.
"Cesar Romero's Joker? He's a freaking joke!"
"No, you're the jokes! Jokers should be funny, that's what jokes are. You ain't funny at all. I saw your shitty movies! You think edgy violence and wanton destruction is what makes a Joker? No way Joe-se! That's just what those uppity coloreds get up to whenever one of their own is rightfully shot for breaking the laws by our heroic boys in blue!" Pierce insisted, uncaring that his words were making everyone else in the classroom cringe. "All lives matter! Except for yours, Joker! Cause you suck!"
"Pierce, that is not okay to say!" A concerned Annie pointed out.
"I'm just telling it like it is, kiddo." Pierce smugly crossed his arms.
"Back me up, Britta! This is right up your alley, isn't it?" Annie looked at Britta for support, but Britta seemed to have other ideas in mind.
"I dunno, Annie… I mean like racism is bad and all but I think I can excuse some dead black people compared to something as heinous as… PROPERTY DAMAGE!" Britta shrugged.
"Um… what the deuce?" Troy asked, breaking character briefly, and scooted his chair as far away as he could from Britta.
"Hey, as a straight white woman, I know that in the end I am comfortably safe from bigotry! But not from…" Britta screamed. "...PROPERTY DAMAGE! Unlike racism, it can actually happen to me! So scary!"
"Ha ha ha Britta, you're right for once!" Pierce flashed her a thumbs up.
"SHUT UP PIERCE! COMPLIMENTS TO WOMEN BY MEN ARE CHAUVINISTIC YOU CONDESCENDING OLD FUCK!" Britta flipped a switch in her mind.
Annie, Britta, and Pierce began yelling at each other. Troy and Abed stared at each other. Abed contemplatively stroked his evil goatee.
"We are not getting involved." Abed told the rest of the class, looking at the reader as he did this. "Cause we're Evil Troy and Abed. Sometimes, the evilest thing that could be done in situations like racism, even more evil than the racism itself, is for so-called 'neutrals' to do nothing to avoid upsetting their little apple carts."
"Class, please settle down!" Professor Joker begged but his words fell on deaf ears. "And will the old racist please excuse himself from the class? We Jokers don't do racism! That's like way too evil!"
"I don't have to listen to you, you fake Joker! P.S. Joaquin Penis Jokester, your movie was better when it was called Taxi Driver!" Pierce sneered.
"Again with the Taxi Driver!" Phoenix Joker wailed. "I have had it with hearing Taxi Driver every time someone wants to diss me! TA Joker, prove to him we're Jokers!"
"Hey, you wanna see a magic trick?" TA Joker asked as he reached into Annie's little bag of stuff, ignoring her protest. He took out a cute looking pink kitty pencil. "I'm gonna make this pencil disappear!"
"Yeah, right! I bet you couldn't even disappear some ai" Pierce started scoffing and making some wiseass remark.
Right before TA Joker stabbed Pierce in the head with a pencil.
"Hey, mop-boy, can you help me with a… wee problem?" Janitor Joker had just about finished up with his backbreaking and underpaid cleaning work for the hour when he heard a rather familiar British-accented voice coming from a professor's office where the door was slightly ajar. He cringed at the prospect of more work. Still… well, not like he had anything better to do.
He sure as hell couldn't go back to the custodian's lounge. Those two alpha custodians who looked a real lot like those actors Nathan Fillion and Kumail Nanjani (I'm too lazy to google what their character's names are) had taken umbrage at the Dean's hiring of Jared Leto's Joker as Greendale's Janitor Joker. Nathan Fillion had said that Janitor Joker hadn't gone through the proper custodian training like they had, and Kumail had led the whole room in a chant of Nepotism Hire. They made sure to quickly turn the rest of Greendale's custodial staff against the Deanie's Pet as some had begun calling him, and insisted that he be called a Janitor rather than a Custodian like the rest of them.
Apparently, it really did mean something significant and degrading when referred to as a janitor rather than a custodian.
"Man, Firefly, wasn't that an overrated show that's aged like milk under a Tucson Summer Sun. Don't get me started on Dr. Horrible." Janitor Joker muttered to himself. "What the hell was I thinking from high school through college? Was I a piece of shit or what?"
"You still are, buck-o." Leonard passed by and pelted him with a few spitballs.
"Gaddaammit!" Janitor Joker cried as the spitballs slowly slid down his cheek, feeling the way underwear does when it sticks during a heatwave. "I'll get you… you… BAD GRANDPA!"
Wow, Bad Grandpa! That's a spin-off of that classic 21st century American cultural phenomenon, Jackass! And they got a new movie that you can catch in theaters - NOW!*
*Please be responsible and get vaccinated/boosted if you plan on hitting a movie theater. Keep your mask on the entire time, the theater's overpriced and likely shite concessions aren't worth taking it off. Is the Omicron variant really worth some $7 strawberry fanta that you're gonna drink like a third of before it starts making you wanna hit the bathroom before the 30 minutes of trailers even ends?
Janitor Joker ripped the spitballs off him and threw them into the trash. He then stormed into the Professor's office.
"Took you bloody long enough." Said some ugly English nerd in glasses and a sweater vest.
"What the fuck?" Janitor Joker almost spit out his metaphorical tea in recognition of who stood in front of him. "John fucking Oliver?"
"Who? Oh, that bloke on the telly I'm always being mistaken for? I'm afraid not, good sir." The nerd took the moment to properly introduce himself. "My name is Professor Ian Duncan… and I am in a bit of a pickle."
Janitor Joker suddenly found himself staring downwards. The Professor's pants were down. Laying around his legs in a puddle of blood that had formed from a trickle of the red stuff that was coming from… some hooker in a state of undress next to a broken bottle of wine and an overturned bottle of pills.
"And I'm not mistaken… are you not an incarnation of those criminal masterminds that the media calls… The Joker? The Dean did mention something in the staff meeting about a new Professor Joker…"
"Yeah. But I'm a different Joker."
"Tomato, tomatoeeeee! You're still a Joker, you're still a criminal! Surely you have some experience with wee messes! So can you clean this up?" Professor Duncan asked, flustered. "I swear, she was like this when I came in. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. And as to how I dropped my trousers… TMI, TMI…" The Professor just shrugged.
"Say nothing about it, man. We all been there, bro." Janitor Joker shrugged and equipped his mop. "There was this one time Harley Quinn had been menstruating more than usual and I'd forgotten to feed the hyenas…"
"How interesting." Professor Duncan took out a notepad. "Y'know, as Greendale's eminent professor of psychology, I'm always on the lookout for folks filled with candid thoughts and dirty secrets just waiting to be picked clean and laid out bare in a book for my profit. You seem like just the…"
"I dunno, man." Janitor Joker said as he poked the hooker's corpse with his mop, trying to figure out what to do next.
"C'mon, it'll be fun. Like one of your Yank criminal television shows. Like The Sopranos. Or Hannibal."
"Well, I do love The Sopranos. And Hannibal. But…"
"But what, mate? Look, do you really wanna keep doing what you're doing? Sweeping up the garbage of this school? Or would you rather relax for a cuppa… all it'll cost you is some secrets."
Janitor Joker sniffed himself.
"You do got a point there. Fine, teabag, let's talk some turkey."
TA Joker was wiping off the last of the blood from the desk where formerly Pierce Hawthorne had been seated.
"Uh… what have we gotten ourselves into?" Annie tapped her fingers along the rim of her desk, posing a question to the rest of the study group who hadn't been injured out of the class yet.
"We're gonna learn how to be Jokers! So we can join the Jokers and show that douchebag Batman what's what!" Britta said, like she was proud. "God, I hate Batman! And all his little fanboys too!"
"Britta, the Joker killed Pierce!" Annie reminded her.
"Pierce is dead? C'mon, it couldn't have been that bad. He was still breathing. I think." Troy asked and scratched his head in confusion, even though he'd just seen Heath Ledger's Joker stab old Pierce in the head with a pencil right in front of him. Troy was currently coated in some red stuff that definitely wasn't Ragu or Heinz.
"Well, killing is evil. The Joker is a bad guy, just like me. Bad guys are evil. Evil is what we do." Abed shrugged and stroked his fake goatee evilly a bit more.
"Pierce was our friend! Can we stand for that?" Annie asked Abed.
Abed shrugged. "He may have been yours and Good Abed's friend, but c'mon, if your Hawthorne variant was anything like mine - don't tell me you didn't think about Mortal Kombating his ass at least twice a day."
"Thinking about something is a lot different than actually acting on it!" Annie pointed out.
"Well, thinking is what Superman does. And Superman sucks. But Batman does action. And Batman is awesome. That's why Batman will always be cooler than Superman. They should rename Superman's comics to Reaction Comics. Or so my Good Counterpart believed before I so deviously usurped his place in this timeline just like Dark Beast from the Age of Apocalypse did to Normal Beast in 90s X-Men comics." Abed was about to go off on one of those tangents again.
"Enough with the goddamn Batman! Jeeeeeee-sus Christ!" Britta got onto Abed's desk and started jumping up and down on it. Everyone in the class and the two Jokers stared at Britta in bewilderment as she ranted. "I hate Batman! I hate how all you little Batman nerds are so excited for his new movie! How dare you! When climate change is happening! Gaaaaaaaah! Abortion rights are under attack and you're looking forward to a movie when you could be stopping the clubbing of baby seals! Shame on you! How dare you not be outraged 24/7 about important issues! How could you be so selfish to take care of your own wellness? You're so selfish! You're ruining the world! Why the fuck are you pre-buying a ticket for The Batman when you could be registering to VOTE instead! Don't come crying to me when you leave your stupid movie theater and find out your right to vote's been taken away by the same rich white supremacists who fund the movies!"
TA Joker tried to pull Britta down but like a vicious hellcat she nearly tore his arm off in the attempt and he quickly backed off.
"What the hell is her problem?" TA Joker asked the rest of the class.
"White women. You think she's bad now, you haven't met the Britta of the Darkest Timeline." Troy answered with a shrug.
"Hate to admit it, but I kinda got a boner seeing this white blondie go crazy." TA Joker looked down at his pants. "I can see why Jared used to hang with that lil whore groupie of his, Harley wotshername."
"Meh." Professor Joker shook his head, not seeing the appeal. "I prefer my ladies like I like my coffee like I like my soul. Pure black. What happened to that fine plump ebony lady of a middle-aged complexion I saw at the end of the last chapter?"
Britta threw herself at Professor Joker's feet. "Please please please Professor Joker! I wanna be a Joker! Killing the Batman will stop Climate Change!"
At that moment, upon the mere mention of bodily harm to the valuable Batman IP, a helicopter flew in outta nowhere and a black ops commando ninja team of Warner Bros lawyers swung in through the wall after exploding it with C4. They instantly swarmed Britta and tazed her while stapling legal notices to her electric boogaloo-ing person.
"Awwwwwgooooaaaggggah! Fuuuuuuuuuck! You cocka-roaches think you can keep me down! No way! I'll persist! I'm still with Her! Hillary 2024! Ruthkanda Forever!" Through the current of electricity Britta managed to do a Wakanda Forever pose and then raised her fist into the Black Power symbol and began pumping it before the lawyers tackled her. They held her down and began tear-gassing Britta. Despite this she still shouted hate like a beast trapped at the heart of the world. "Susan Sarandon Sucks!"
"You know…" Abed whispered to Troy. "Why do corporate liberal types always seem to get hung up on Susan Sarandon and just Susan Sarandon because of Hillary losing in 2016? I mean, Viggo Mortensen also was a very vocal never-Hillary leftist and you don't see him being raked over the coals for it constantly the way the very nice and very hot Rocky Horror lady is."
"Man, you really are Evil Abed. Good Abed would never bring up that boring politics stuff. Owie, politics really makes my head hurt." Troy shook his head to emphasize that. "I wanna just think about the Super Bowl."
"Yo, boring plain brunette bitch. Does this happen to every class you study group schmucks attend?"
"More or less, I guess." Annie sighed. "I haven't been this embarrassed by my friends since Abed spent the entire semester fighting with his professor in World Cinema 101 about the legitimacy of superhero movies as cinema. Or that time Britta took Intro to Palestinian-Israeli Relations and then burned down a local synagogue to show solidarity with the Palestinians."
"Uh… what was that last one?" Professor Joker nervously pried.
Annie misheard him, or maybe she didn't wanna go deeper on that last one. "It was so cringe! Abed kept pushing for the Prof to acknowledge that Ant-Man and the Wasp had as much artistic value as Pather Pachali. It came to a head when Abed challenged him during Finals Week to watch every single comic book superhero movie ever made before declaring they were void of artistic content. And somehow… even though he had hours upon hours of superhero flicks to sit through in just a single week… he somehow watched them all."
"And did this Professor come around to their artistic merit?" TA Joker inquired.
"Oh he did… but only a select few." Abed spoke up, playing up the evilness in voice. "The director's cut of Daredevil. Ang Lee's Hulk. Zack Snyder's Justice League trilogy. The Toxic Avenger series. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Venom: Let There Be Carnage. Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy but especially Spider-Man 3. Whatever the hell a Casshern, Mechanical Violator Hakaider, and Super Infra-Man are. And last but not least Darkman 3: Die Darkman Die. Not a single Em-Cee-You or Dark Knight. His choices broke Poor Good Abed so badly he started going like this EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE for the whole summer. It weakened his mental multiversal defenses so slowly but surely my consciousness could gain a foothold to take total control of his body! Thank you, Guest Professor Martin Scorsese! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE - sorry, that was Good Abed trying to reclaw control of his meat body from me."
"God this school is fucked up!" TA Joker shook his head.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me! I'll show the world what Batman really is - A FRAUD! Then I KILL BATMAN TO DEATH!" Britta screamed as the lawyers continued to work her over. One of them pulled out a copy of the comic book omnibus Big Damn Sin City and began bonking Britta with it until the hardcover 1360-page monster of a tome split Britta's head right open. Still, she persisted, seemingly oblivious to the pain and destruction her body was enduring.
"Huh." Abed gaped at the fountain of blood that was spraying from Britta's wounds, splashing the class. "I personally would've just used a monkey wrench. All that blood will really ruin Frank Miller's breathtaking black and white drawings of whores, ninjas, and ninja whores."
"Alright, class, please open your books! Ignore the senseless but entertaining violence, please!" Professor Joker begged.
Meanwhile, in the campus cafeteria, Shirley Bennet was watching a video on her laptop as she ate a lunch of minestrone soup with half a Pastrami Shirley's Sandwich on the side. It was the latest upload of a local campus celebrity's Youtube channel, Leonard Rodriguez of Leonardlikespizza. On screen Leonard was in his room as his hired crew recorded him with professional movie-level camerawork, color grading, and sound mixing.
"Hello, this is Leonard and welcome to this episode of Leonard's Fast Food Reviews, part of the Leonard Eats Reviews Empire. Today, I'll be reviewing The Pepperoni Batman Calzony from Little Caesar's. I love pizza and I love Batman, so let's see what happens when you put Batman and pizza together."
Leonard held up the pizza box and slowly opened it up.
"Look at that cheesy beauty, WOW! It looks just like Batman!" Leonard showed every doughy inch of the pizza in great detail to the camera. "As you can see, it's eight slices like a regular pizza. Four normal pizza slices, and four special Calzony slices from the Little Caesar's Calzony pizza which I've previously reviewed on this channel and rated a BUY."
Jeff Winger and Pierce Hawthorne took seats at her table. Shirley looked up and she did a quick double-take.
"Uh… Jeffrey… Pierce… what happened to you two?"
Jeffrey had half a Glasgow smile carved into his face. Pierce meanwhile had a whole pencil sticking out of his head, and it was leaking bad into his bowl of tomato soup. Pierce shrugged and took a spoonful of the tainted soup and drank it.
"I think we flunked Intro to Jokerfication." Jeff said deadpan.
"Nurse said I'm pretty lucky my skull's so thick, otherwise I'd be dead." Pierce chuckled. "See? Being a spiteful old dumbass has its benefits. Though they said they can't take out the pencil without turning me into a vegetable. But I'm sure if I just wiggle it real careful though…"
Pierce flicked the pencil, and grimaced as it vibrated. He tried yanking it out by force, only to scream as pain shot through all of his very being. Pierce let go, and let the pencil stuck in his head settle. Then he did it again because he was not the sharpest pencil in the pencil bag after all.
"Yeeeesh. How about you, Jeffrey? How are you feeling?"
"Shirley, how do you think I'm feeling?" Jeff irritatedly traced his finger alongside his new scar.
"I told y'all that Joker class was bad news." Shirley said triumphantly. "Next time don't wait for the personal mutilation before you believe me."
Meanwhile in the video Leonard was digging into a piece of the Batman Calzony.
"Mmmmm! It tastes just like you're eating Vengeance, eating the Night!" Leonard said in-between bites with pizza in his mouth. "DAAAAAAARK tasty VENGEAAAAAANCE!"
"Shirley. You actually watch this shit?" Jeff asked in disbelief.
"Hey, don't knock it before you try it. Leonard's Frozen Food Reviews have been a great help in shoppin' for the family." Shirley claimed.
"Yeah, I guess if you ever want your kids to suspect you're poisoning them, Leonard's Buys are the way to go. Christ, I can feel my arteries just clogging and my belly ballooning out looking at that crap."
"Little Caesar's The Batman Calzony is a definite buy. It's $7.99 at your nearest Little C's for only a limited time, so hit that order button!" Leonard flashed a thumbs-up on the screen as he took down the last slice of pizza. Some text then quickly flashed by on the screen: Disclaimer: I totally have not been paid by the Little Caesar's Corporation to say this. Leonard's Food Reviews are my very own honest opinions. "BTW, check out this awesome Batman shirt Little Caesar's sent me!"
Leonard produced a Batman shirt from offscreen and rolled it out for the camera.
"Yeah, buy yourself a trip into the emergency ward."
"Someone's salty my Youtube channel has paid for a beachside house in California, a McLaren and Lamborghini in the garage, three yachts, and a pet polar bear who I have trained to drink Coke just like the commercials. Jeff, you're nothin' but a jelly luh-luh-luh-luh-luh-oooooooser!" The in-person Leonard said as he walked by carrying a tray with a bowl of cheddar broccoli soup on it, flashing the Big L at Jeff.
"If you're so damn rich from Youtube now why the fuck are you still attending Greendale?" An annoyed Jeff asked.
"Maybe to remind myself how great I have it when I gotta rub elbows with a penniless little ant like you." Leonard laughed as he walked away, sampling a bit of his soup as he did. "Damn, this is some great soup."
"Well, he ain't wrong about that. The soup, I mean." Shirley sipped a bit of her Minestrone.
"I'll drink to that!" Pierce agreed as he drank more of his self-tainted bloody tomato soup. "This is some damn good soup!"
"How come you don't got any, Jeff?" Shirley asked.
Jeff groaned, accompanied by his stomach grumbling. "Rub it in, why don't you?"
"Oh, did someone fail the soup test?" Shirley looked in the direction of a brand new and hot Greendale cafeteria eatery, the soup stand called The Soup Man. Half of the students walking away from the direction of the soup stand were empty-handed in tears and the other half were leaving with soup.
Even from here, they could hear the shouts of the stand's irate mustachioed proprietor.
"POP POP? You want to order in song? You think this is dance stage? No, this is soup stand! NO SOUP FOR YOU. How you like that, you pop pop motherfucker? TRY AGAIN IN MONTH, PUNK!" Magnitude, the student who likes to say Pop Pop, ran past their table clutching his given-back money as he wept in the aftermath of a stunt for TikTok gone wrong.
"All I asked for was some bread. How do you drink soup without bread? But that bastard wanted $4 extra. But I clearly saw him give Pierce bread… FOR FREE!" Jeff tried to grab Pierce's piece, but Pierce deftly snatched it away from him and quickly scarfed down the bread.
"Maybe I won a free bread lottery." Pierce shrugged.
"That's bullshit! I kept pressing about the bread and the next thing I know… that asshole is yelling NO SOUP FOR YOU and dumping my soup back in the pot while the cashier hands me my money back!" Jeff complained.
"Sucks to be you." Pierce drank some more soup. "Mmmm… if magic could be a soup, this would be it."
"That man is like… a Nazi! For soup! He's… a… SOUP NAZI!" Jeff bitched some more, snapping his fingers as he said Soup Nazi like he was coming up with a brilliant idea. Then a shiver ran through his spine. Why was that term so familiar? An ominous feeling that something… was happening again. Was this soup man a harbinger of things to come?
"You know…" Jeff ignored the pains coming from his unfed stomach, not helped by the eating folks in front of him. "...where the hell did the Dean find this guy?"
"I dunno. I heard he used to run a business in… the Big Apple. He lost it long ago but he recently tried to start it over but New York City got too damn expensive. I'm tellin' ya, that rent would not be too damn high if that city loved Jesus the way it loves money and degeneration." Shirley's disdain for the city of New York City was clear in her voice. "So he relocated here of all places. But I say it works out cause it's some damn fine soup."
"Yeah, if you can actually get your soup without that Nazi asshole taking it away from you." Jeff scoffed.
"Jeff, stop calling everyone that displeasures you a Nazi. You're gonna be the Boy who Cried Nazi and…" Pierce scoffed at his scoff. "...one day you're gonna run into some actual Nazis and no one's gonna come for you when they're kicking the crap outta you."
"I'd have thought him a Nazi too, if I met him before I ran my own business and had to deal with customers myself." Shirley added. "I see that man… yanking away troublesome people's soups and telling them No Soup for You and I see not a Soup Nazi but the Soup Messiah. Jeffrey, you just need to remember what the Bible says - treat others as you'd like to be treated."
Before Jeff could make some snappy comeback about how the Soup Nazi should be way less of a Nazi then they were at that moment interrupted as an inexplicable chill ran through the spines of all three of them. This could not be soup-related, could it?
Some paramedics came by, wheeling away Britta Perry who was now in a full body cast made of legal forms. She was still muttering anti-Batman obscenities as she passed by the table.
"No, it's just Britta being Britta…" Jeff muttered his thoughts aloud. Then he felt something slither around his arm and wrap around his arm. Slowly, dread building, Jeff looked to see what it was. Then he screamed.
Chang. From outta nowhere. Sitting right next to him. And
TOUCHING
HIM
Jeff screamed.
Chang was dressed like The Joker, but Mexican. In front of him, he had a tray with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some toasty-lookin' bread lined up.
"So I heard you want some soup, Jeff."
"No. No I don't. Get outta here, why don't ya Chang?" Jeff protested.
"Where the blazes did you come from, Chang?" Shirley asked in confusion. "Shouldn't you be in hiding in some vent somewhere?"
"I got bored." Chang shrugged. "Now, Jeff…"
"Buzz off, Chang. It's been a shitty day and I don't need you making it any worse." Jeff tried to push Chang off him, but Chang clung onto him like a horny sun bear and started rubbing his belly.
"That little gargle-blargle of hunger down there says different. Your mouth may lie… but the hunger… the hunger always tells the truth." Chang hissed into Jeff's ears. "And God bless me, I was so looking forward to this yummy-mummy soup but my heart just broke seeing your bum ass starve. You really would rather satiate your pride than satiate your hunger?"
Jeff thought real hard about it. His dignity begged him not to. Hadn't he experienced enough humiliation today when the Soup Nazi had taken the soup away from him? But the hunger that coursed within him was drilling its way into his mind, that had intensified seeing and smelling the soups right in front of him that he couldn't eat. And before he could control himself, Jeff felt the words form in his throat and suddenly claw out of his mouth.
"...yes… I'm so hungry. I want soup."
"Of course you can have my soup." A gleam lit up in former Professor/student/security/dictator Ben Chang's eyes. "But y'know, I was reaaaaaaally lookin' forward to this soup… it's, y'know, it's chicken noodle. So why don't I have a little chicken dance from you like the big big chicken you are, Jeff?"
"...what?" Jeff's weak question was almost drowned out by another stomach grumble, its belly whining that the nourishment was so close yet so far away.
"C'mon, Winger, get wingin'. Like-a this. Cheep cheep cheep." Chang puckered his lips and made chicken noises, as he bent his arms and started flapping.
And before Jeff's mind could assert itself, his hunger took over control of his body the way men's penises sometimes take over our body when we jack off at the most inopportune times. Jeff began flapping his arms about like he was a chicken, bobbing his head back and forth all bird-like.
"Cooo cooooo coooooo." A teary Jeff croaked.
"No no no no! Fuck is this cooing for?" Chang shook his head disapprovingly, making a disgusted face right in front of Jeff's. "That's a fucking pigeon! Haven't you ever seen a fucking chicken, broooooooo? Like this, cluck… cluck… cluck."
"Cluck… cluck… cluckity-cock-a-doodle-doo…" Jeff moaned. His hunger was starting to make him delirious.
"Cock-a-doodle-doo? Did I ask you to be a rooster, genius? Nooooooo, I just wanted some regular chicken dancin'!" Chang sneered as he smacked Jeff something fierce. "I'm the only rooster here, bitch. Chang-a-doodle-doo."
"Uh, Chang, why are you doing this?" Shirley asked, extremely perturbed and getting more by the second.
"Who cares? It's funny!" Pierce laughed.
"It's just a little public payback. I would've brought Greendale into a new golden Chang Age. If it weren't for you meddling kids and your little dean!" Chang cackled as he rubbed his palms together as Jeff's failing chicken routine.
"This is messed up, Pierce. How can you laugh at what he's doing to our poor friend Jeffrey?"
"Hey, like the Big Man said - 'Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.'" Pierce shrugged.
"Uh, I don't think Jesus ever said that. That from the Catholic's Bible?" Shirley shuddered.
"Who said anything about Jesus? I'm talking about Mel Brooks."
Jeff, out of air and completely exhausted, collapsed like a dead fish at Chang's feet. He looked up, desperate.
"Uh uh. You failed. Worst. Chicken. Ever." Chang tutted. "So… as they say… no soup… for you."
Chang mockingly began to eat his soup in front of Jeff. Jeff was about to weep. Chang smiled. Then came a truly evil spark in his eyes.
"But no worries, Winger. I'm a generous soul. You can have a little taste. Like this."
Chang took a piece of stale bread, hardened like hardtack, right out of his pants and dipped it in his soup. Chang held out the soup-soaked bread, glistening like a perfectly round stone, little drops of soup dripping off.
"And you did want some bread, right?"
Like a beaten animal, Jeff scrambled to his knees and opened his mouth. Chang smiled. And Chang made Jeff Winger go down on that piece of bread like you know what.
"Oh yeah. Guess who's back? Back again? Chang's back, tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back…" Chang sang.
"Jesus, forgive me for partaking in carnal relations with that freak." Shirley cringed.
"Heh, this is goin' on Piercestagram." Pierce took out his phone and hit record, preparing to upload it to the Pierce-branded app he privately funded the development of with part of his inherited fortune, because the other social media apps kept banning him. Yes, even Facebook. Piercestagram only had two users, and one of those was him.
Chang then looked at Shirley and Pierce, all while Jeff kept sucking and nibbling at the bread as Chang held it at his waist. "Now… study group… listen up. What's this shit I hear about some coastal elite Jokers from Gotham trying to take over campus? Bitches, there's only one fucking campus clown here… and that's CHANG. I'm burnin' down the house and I'm gone be the Last Joker standing! Yeeeeee-haaaaaaw!"
"Twice in a day my mouth has been violated against my will. God,I feel so shit. I wanna cry. But… But… Huh… hey, this really is good soup. Even if I had to taste it like this." Jeff thought. Meanwhile, his face had turned completely red like Texas. Tears were flowing. Tears of both sorrow and joy.
"I have to say, Professor Joker, you're not very evil at all. All you do is empty provocation by some farty-mouth who thinks he has more to say than he actually does. Just like your movie, Joker directed by Todd Phillips starring Joaquin Phoenix in all honesty." Abed commented.
By now, most of the classroom was deserted. Like Pierce and Jeff before them, some of the enrolled students had incurred the ire of the Jokers and flunked out spectacularly while others had assessed the situation and fled for their own safety. All this before they'd even gone through a single syllable on the syllabus.
I guess it turns out that Jokers don't make for great teachers.
"You're treading on thin ice there, buddy." Professor Joker warned. A vein above his eye was twitching.
"Thin, perhaps… but not as thin as the writing in that movie. Yeah, a movie. It would be a disservice to film to call Joker a film. It's a movie. Taxi Driver, King of Comedy, You Were Never Really There, now those are films." Abed winked. "Joaquin Phoenix is great, isn't he? Not as Joker though."
"That's it! Fucker, I'll show you just how evil I am!" Professor Joker snapped a long ruler in two over his knee, but before he could do anything to Abed Troy's phone vibrated.
"Huh. The fudge is this?" Troy looked at his phone, which had pinged upon Pierce's livestreaming of the humiliation of Jeffrey Winger. Troy, out of courtesy, had been the only one in the study group to download Piercestagram.
"Is that… Jeff? And Chang?" Annie leaned over to take a look.
"What did I say about phones in class, boy?" TA Joker moved to snatch the phone out of his Troy's hands. Only to stop dead when he saw what was on the screen, what was being said by the irate Asian man dressed in a very bootleg looking Mexican Joker outfit.
"I'M… the JOKER! imthejoker. I'm The Joker! I'M THE JOKER!" Crazy Chang had finished with Jeff who was lapping up spilled soup like a dog. Chang was now knocking over things and jumping on tables.
"He's The Joker? Like camel dung he is!" TA Joker said in disbelief. "This fuck didn't even enroll in the class and buy those expensive textbooks we assigned, and thinks he call himself Joker?"
"What is this fresh shit? Nobody gets to be part of the Joker Gang without our say-so! K, class is over. Go get lunch or some shit." Phoenix Joker clenched his fists. "C'mon, Heath. Let's go kick this fool's ass."
"Remember to do your homework, kids! Your Joker levels are pathetic… we were really countin' on that menstrual blonde with the water filter sounding name to be our Joker, but that's not an option atm - so pucker up and be sure to write your 5000-word essay on how we live in a society!" TA Joker said to Annie, Troy, and Abed.
"Uh… sure. This is more a community than a society, I feel, though." Annie said.
"My Joker levels are pathetic? Moi, of the Darkest Timeline? Do they not know how evil I am?" Abed shook his head indignantly. "I won't do my homework! Because I'm evil!"
"Hah, I'm going to write that stupid essay, but I'll cap out at 4999 words! Because I'm evil too!" Troy laughed.
"Very evil of you, my evil companero." Abed and Troy flashed each other evil thumbs–ups and did their evil secret handshake. Which was a regular secret handshake but evil.
"KICK-AAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS!" Ledger Joker hollered as he and Phoenix Joker armed themselves and marched towards the door to go in search of Chang to end his unlicensed Jokerfication very violently, only for the door to be kicked open right as they got to it. The door slammed them to the grounds in full force.
Standing in the doorway was a less than pleased Dean Pelton.
"Do you know how many complaints I've just gotten from your students about your conduct?" Dean Pelton held out a fat overflowing binder and threw the papers into the air. A cascade of angry letters descended down upon the Joker. "Beatings! Mutilations! I'd expect this sort of behavior from City College! But Greendale's got a rep to uphold!"
"...what rep." Ledger Joker asked.
"Don't try to play smart with me, scarface! I was gonna let it slide… it takes a while to get used to this school, I know, but then I found out you hurt my good buddy Jeffrey!" The Dean yelled. "So no more Mr. Nice Dean!"
"Huh. What you gonna do to us? Suck our dicks, queer-mo?" The Jokers were not impressed.
"No… I'm gonna fire you!" The Dean then looked at the remainder of the study group. "Say good-bye to Intro to Jokerfication and welcome back… INTRO TO STAND-UP COMEDY!"
The Dean stepped aside. Suddenly an familiar extremely catchy tune, like the sort used to mark scene transitions, began to play in the background. And in walked none other than the famous television comedian Jerry Seinfeld, from the television show Seinfeld where he was portrayed by real life comedian Jerry Seinfeld.
"YOOOOOOOOOOU!" An angered expression came upon Phoenix Joker's face, implying a previously unknown dark history involving him and Seinfeld that will probably be filled in in the next chapter. He tried to leap at Seinfeld, only for Ledger Joker to restrain him.
"Man, Joaquin bro, some washed-out schmuck from an unfunny 90s show ain't worth it! Save your murder for someone who really deserves it… like the cast of FRIENDS!"
"Students, please welcome Greendale's new guest professor Jerry Seinfeld! He'll be teaching Intro to Stand-up Comedy. He was on Letterman, you know!"
"Stand-Up Comedy! Why do we call it that?" Seinfeld went to the front of the class and began speaking. "Is it because we're standing up and doing comedy? Is that why we call it stand up? Well, a toilet was nowhere in sight when a good friend of mine… let's call him Jorge (Seinfeld pronounced with a J and G instead of two Hs) to protect his privacy… farted in a crowded elevator and pretended he didn't do it! But they'll still call that toilet humor! Why's that! A real double standard, I'll tell ya! And don't even get me started on slapstick! I'll tell ya, I watched a whole marathon of Jim Carrey movies and not once did he use a stick to slap a fella!"
Seinfeld paused and looked at the class. Hoping for applause and laughter. All he got were blank stares.
"What the? They're not laughing! How can this be happening? I'm Jerry Seinfeld! I'm a famous comedian, that means they're supposed to laugh and clap when I do a funny! Is my humor outdated to modern tastes? Have I lost my touch? Was I never funny to begin with? No way! It must all be the fault of freaking goddamn Woke Cancel Culture!" Seinfeld thought.
"Uh… what the hell is happening?" Annie whispered.
"Dunno. We're in a fanfic, remember. Just go with the flow of the spice." Abed shrugged.
"You mean crack." Troy piped in.
"What is crack but spice for the nose instead of tongue?" Abed pondered.
"What is Seinfeld doing at our school? Is he supposed to be Seinfeld the real person or the fictional Seinfeld played by the real Seinfeld from the show?" Annie pointed out.
"Fanfic, remember. Spice must flow." Abed shrugged again.
"I wouldn't really think too hard about any of it." Troy added. "I tried and it really made my head hurt."
"I don't know what all this stuff about television shows and fanfics and reality's about… but I'm glad to say your Dean was willing to give me a place to rebuild my comedy career after my stint in prison dried out all my old wells. I tried rebuilding my life in my old stomping ground of New York City before I made my way to Greendale, but goddamn was the rent there too damn high!" Seinfeld spewed out some clunky exposition. He then held out his hand to Phoenix Joker. "Now gimme the keys to the classroom."
"No." Phoenix Joker crossed his arms.
"Uh, you're supposed to give him the class keys. He's the Professor now. Not you." The Dean pointed out.
"Well, I don't care. I won't give them back." Phoenix Joker petulantly shook his head.
"Damn. I thought that would work." The Dean scratched his head, confused at what to do next. The Dean, The Jokers, and Seinfeld stood staring at each other in an awkward stand-off.
Abed, eying the situation, spotted an opportunity to truly throw things into chaos for an explosive final chapter to this crossover event. Provided, of course, this wasn't going to become one of those stupid two-part finale things. It was an evil thing to do, but that was no problem for Evil Abed. It was just another chance to make this timeline as dark as his.
"I mean, what the fuck do we need a two-part Fast and Furious final movie for? Those movies died with Paul Walker no matter how badly two bald egomaniacs wanna keep playing tug-of-war with the corpse." Abed asked as he looked at the reader.
"I've got a good idea, guys." Abed walked over to where the Dean, Seinfeld, and the Jokers were. "It's a time-honored Greendale tradition, the only way where-in this dispute over the classroom can be settled fairly."
"And what did you have in mind, Abed?" The Dean cautiously asked.
"Paintball." Abed stroked his evil goatee and then rubbed his palms together very sinisterly.
"Paintball?!" Everybody who was in the know gasped.
"Uh… you weren't planning anything… evil… are you? When you just stroked your fake goatee and rubbed your palms very sinisterly?" The Dean eyed Abed suspiciously.
"No. Nothing of the sort. I am so innocent." Abed winked.
"Okay, I believe you. Paintball it is!" The Dean whooped. "C'mon, let's break out the guns! Draw the battle lines! And just to make this campus extra spicy… the winner of paintball gets… A PLAYSTATION V!"
"No shit?" Seinfeld asked.
"Fuck. Playstation 5? We gotta win this now." Ledger Joker whispered. "Alright, Seinfeld, you've got a rendezvous with my ass!"*
*from the film In the Line of Fire starring Clint Eastwood, simultaneously a most badass and a most lameass one-liner
"What the fuck is happening?" Annie yelled.
On the next Three Jokers in the Pandemic:
Leto Joker relates to Professor Duncan the trauma of losing his pet goldfish on the same day his mom brought it for him
Seinfeld tracks down the old gang and gets them back together for back-up in the coming Paintball War
Superman overhears everything with his superhearing. He's been overhearing everything with his superhearing since the very start and he questions your taste in porn.
Flash-forward
The Greendale library was in ruins, caked all over with drying paintball splatter. Shelves were overturned, books were forever ruined by paint, unfinished sheets of homework lay on desks. Stained by paint like a student's blood in a school shooting, blown up into the air and back down onto the floor by a draft.
Screaming and gunfire could be heard in the background.
"It's payback time, you fucking clowns!" Jeff Winger's voice rang out amidst the chaos.
On a deserted table, a brightly lit laptop screen stood out almost serenely in the cluttered chaos. On the screen was another video from the channel Leonardlikespizza. Leonard was in his kitchen, with a wine glass and a few bags of Doritos next to him.
"Hello everybody, this is Leonard and welcome to an episode of Leonard's Drink Reviews, part of the Leonard Eats Reviews Empire. Today I'll be reviewing Mountain Dew Spark, the latest way to Do the Dew. I've reviewed plenty of flavors of Mountain Dew in the past, some of them buys, some of them mooches, and sadly some of them don'ts. You can check them out in the links I've posted in the description. So let's see how this new Dew stacks up."
Leonard pulled out a can of Mountain Dew Spark and held it out for the camera. "I've already had a bottle of the stuff, it's very pink, in preparation for this review. So let's see how it tastes from the can."
Leonard opened the can. "Ah, no matter how many times I do it, the sound of a nice refreshing can of soda opening up never gets old."
Leonard then took a sip from the can before he poured the Mountain Dew into his Wine Glass. His face lit up in a trascendental joy.
"Mmmm! I know it's just been one sip but boy oh boy it's good! Spark gives you that classic Mountain Dew Fizz, with the splendid addition of that Raspberry Lemonade Taste! It's like your drinking a lemonade that's also a Mountain Dew! Just the right amount of bubbly sweetness. Don't go too far like some Dews. "
Leonard set the glass of Mountain Dew down and popped open the bag of Dorito's. "Now as those who have watched my other Dew Reviews know, the ultimate test of a Dew's worthiness is how well it pairs with Doritos. I'll be using the last flavor of Doritos I reviewed, the Spicy Nacho, which I rated a buy."
Leonard ate Doritos, alternating between eating the Doritos in three bites each and washing them down with a gulp of Mountain Dew. Looking like he was getting closer to Enlightenment with each bite and swallow.
"Great! They pair great! I can't wait to teabag some noobs in Halo after I pwn 'em with these at my side! Mountain Dew Spark, it's $6.49 for a twelve-pack of cans at Kroger's, $5.49 for the six-pack of bottles. Bottle or can, I give Mountain Dew Spark a Buy! This has been Leonard, be sure to like the video, comment, and subscribe!"
At that moment, the laptop screen dimmed from inactivity and then the laptop went to sleep.