One year later.
It's an odd thing, to watch people change over time, to watch yourself evolve.
My thoughts were flooded with this notion when I saw her sitting at the bar beside Ino and Sai. I'd wandered out of my own accord and happened upon her drunkenly slurring her words in a troublesome manner. Ino and Sai were equally inebriated, as they flirtatiously chased each other out the door a few minutes later, leaving Sakura in my care. I had offered her a walk home to spare her pride, because she was clearly in need of one. On the walk to her apartment, she had been staring at me, rather intently, making me shift nervously beneath her arm, while I steadied her balance for her.
"Is there a reason you're staring at me?'' I asked flatly, after a long while.
"Oh-" She seemed surprised, furrowing her brow "I wasn't- I mean, I didn't mean to- I'm sorry." She breathed, averting her eyes.
"It's okay,'' I laughed, admittedly amused. "I don't believe I've ever seen you so drunk before."
She blushed at this, pink spreading across her cheeks in embarrassment. I just tried to ignore it.
I'd be lying if I said she hadn't crossed my mind from time to time. But, I just kept my distance- more to protect myself than anything. People always need time when something big in their lives changes. Her divorce being a big change for her. If I were being honest, the night in the office a year ago had engendered a sort of awkward air between us.
"We don't ever drink together." She pointed out, laughing to herself and shaking her head.
"You never ask" I noted rationally.
"I guess that's true. But I could say the same for you." She said, nudging my shoulder with her own.
"I guess that's also true,'' I admitted when our paces slowed to a stop at her door.
"But I do appreciate the walk home." She tried to say, but it was slurred into one long word. Her arm retreated from mine to rummage her bag for her keys. When she began to lose her balance, I reached out to steady her elbow. Once again pulling her back from her a-bit-too-far lean.
"You alright?" I asked with evident concern. She seemed far drunker now than she had at the bar. Of course, I watched her finish an entire glass before we left, so this came as no surprise. The pinkette simply nodded and lazily handed me her keys laughing. I kept my hand on her wobbling elbow while I unlocked her door and pressed inside. Taking her bag and coat before finding a spot on the counter for them.
"Y'know, you could stay for a while if you like." She murmured, leaning on her foyer wall.
"Oh," I tried to hide the shock on my face, but I don't think it was with much skill. Luckily, she was probably too inebriated to notice. "I figured you should sleep off some of that sake." I rejected, trying not to sound critical.
"Mahh, I'll get some sleep eventually. I'm off tomorrow and Sarada's gone for the week with Sasuke." She was slurring again, her eyes closing as she gesticulated sluggishly with her hands.
"Are you sure you're feeling alright?" I asked, approaching her.
"Mm, yeah." She began nodding at me as I pushed her to her couch and stripped the shoes off her feet. Neatly placing them near her door.
"I feel great, actually." She laughed, letting her head fall back on the couch. I rolled my eyes as hers drifted lazily closed.
"I'm sure you do, but I do have a book at home. I've been dying to finish reading, so I must sadly refuse your proposal." I smiled, trying to politely let her down. She returned my etiquette with a pout. Pursing her lips and sighing in deflation.
"Please don't leave me alone here tonight, Kakashi." She nearly whispered it. But her quiet words were enough to make my heart nearly skip a beat.
"What?" I muttered back in shock, unsure I'd even heard her correctly.
"I was hoping I would meet someone at the bar tonight but-"
My heart started quickening its pace. I wasn't prepared for any of this. I had planned on unwinding at the bar, not taking care of a drunken Sakura. I had been practically avoiding her until this particular night.
Of course this would happen now, I thought.
"Am I just too recognizable?" She pouted again at the ceiling, before lifting her head to look at me under lazy eyelids. "Am I approachable?"
"Approachable?" I echoed dumbly, my mind short-circuiting.
"Y'know, approachable?" She shrugged, "Ino said I'm too intimidating."
I was starting to understand what she was saying, but was thoroughly confused about its relation to her asking me to stay. I decidedly excused the innuendo and chose to think she simply wanted company.
Innocent. Company.
"You're only intimidating if the person themselves is intimidated," I said flatly. "but you're just drunk Sakura, c'mon. I think you should just get some rest.'' I held my hand out to her, hoping she'd let me guide her to her bedroom and let me leave without further commentary. Though I knew her too well to truly believe that. She mumbled to herself under her breath and I tried to ignore her.
"We could just watch some TV and hang out, I just don't want to be alone."
I pushed open her bedroom door and urged her inside. She sauntered to the bed and plopped down gracelessly, sagging in disappointment as I shook my head at her.
"You're too intoxicated to follow a plotline." I rebutted playfully, smirking beneath my mask.
"Maybe so." she said thoughtfully. "Would you do me a favor then, before you leave?"
I nodded cautiously as she threw her legs up on the bed; Patting the edge of it next to her and motioning to the spot, as if to say c'mon. I reluctantly moved to the bed and sat as close to the edge as physically possible, while she lazily slipped her hands behind her head, staring at her ceiling.
"What's the favor?" I crowed, twisting to see her face in the dim window lighting. She shrugged in response.
"Just talk to me for a while I guess."
"To talk?" I echoed nervously, trying not to notice the way the moons rays made the color of her eyes appear mossy.
"What do you think about at night? Y'know when you go to bed?"
My heart was nervous. The question felt personal, and my honest answer even more so.
"Why? Because you don't like what you think about?" I avoided.
"That's not an answer." She laughed and gently slapped my arm with the back of her hand. "No, I don't dislike them, I suppose. The thoughts." she clarified, sparing me an unreadable glance. "But they keep me up sometimes."
"Mine too."
"What makes it better?"
"I'd like to say time, but it doesn't appear to get any easier."
She furrowed her brow. "What do you think would make it better?"
"I don't think I've really thought about it. I just try not to linger on things."
"But what if you can't stop thinking about it?" Her eyes flicked to me, only briefly, before returning to her ceiling and swallowing hard.
"Then I get drunk." We laughed. It was partly true.
"Yeah, me too." She sighed.
The tension had eased a little, she seemed vaguely more sober than she had been in the living room. I was incredibly grateful, as we fell back into a pattern more like our usual dynamic.
"Is that why you went out to drink tonight?" I asked, fixing my eyes on my toes.
"No, I wanted…" She eyed me with embarrassment written across her face. "I wanted to try and meet someone."
"You were saying." I said with implied mirth and a soft laugh. "Trying to get back out there? Are you ready to move on from him?" I asked the latter part slowly, unsure if it was my place.
"Oh, I've been ready. It was a mutual thing for us to split up, so it's been nice having no hard feelings and everything," She paused to look at me solemnly before continuing. "But I was looking to distract myself more than anything."
"Well, hopefully, my company is distracting enough to make up for the lack of fish you seem to have caught." I said, trying to cheer her up, and she laughed a little too hard. "So, why would trying to find a suitor be a good solution for distraction? That's not really like you."
"Because of what I'm trying to distract myself from," She said blushing.
"Oh? What are you trying not to think about then?" I asked genuinely, matching her cadence.
She just looked at me.
"What? Is Haruno Sakura really bummed out from not having a sex life? Enough to just go find some random company? That doesn't seem like you." i gave her a disbelieving look.
"No." She blushed deeper, furrowing her eyebrows contemplatively. "It's a person." She admitted quietly. It surprised me, maybe more than it should have.
"Oh?" I raised my eyebrows dramatically. "You've got your eyes on someone?" I said playfully, laughing a little at the pink growing on her cheeks and spreading up her ears.
"I do," She spoke the words assertively, staring into my eyes, her gaze unwavering and her blush disappearing.
I didn't know what to say, it felt like I shouldn't say anything at all. It felt like she'd just told me something. My stomach got that feeling again. I subconsciously placed my hand over my abdomen as a response. My face was probably one of confusion, as she began to raise her free hand; stretching it out towards me. I shunned away from it vaguely as it neared, but something like fear held me in place. I sat there staring into her eyes. A moth caught in the grassy hued glow of an old lantern.
Are they a darker green than usual? I wondered.
Her fingertips brushed my cheek through my mask, gently trailing back towards my ear across its plains. My heart felt like it would pop out of my chest, my stomach felt like mush. I briskly stood, ripping myself away from her touch before her fingers could take residence on the nape of my neck. Like the feel of her calloused finger tips on the soft skin there woke me from a dream.
This is Sakura.
"I should go." I blurted out, giving her a stiff bow before I attempted to leave her there. My heart was pounding as I forced my eyes away from hers. The eyes that had paralyzed me.
"Are you going to run away?" She asked quietly, as I got to her doorway. Making me freeze under the framework. "I said I wanted to talk to you," She added, Never moving from her spot. Her voice was low and soft, almost sad, as i inclined my head to peer over my shoulder at her silhouetted form; lying perfectly still where I'd left her.
"I don't want to be rude, but you're drunk Sakura. Touching my face like that isn't talking.'' I turned to face her frustratedly. "Besides whatever you're trying to talk about, it is probably best done sober. When you're in the right mind."
"I'm not too drunk to know how I feel. I'm just trying to talk to you."
"Come find me in the morning if you still want to 'talk'." I said sternly. Not wanting to allow her any room to say something she would regret. She didn't want me, she just wanted someone to occupy her time. Or did she? Either way, she was clearly inebriated.
I may be many things, but taking advantage of a friend, a prior student, no way. Not this guy.
I tried to physically shake the incoming emotional response from my brain when I got home. When my doors opened to emptiness, I found myself wishing for company, something to distract me from what had just happened. Realizing that this is how Sakura had felt, it didn't seem to help things. I tried showering, I made tea, I tried watching T.V., I tried reading, I tried everything I could think of to avoid my own thoughts until bed. Unsurprisingly, they didn't dissipate. This instance, plus the one last year. I was certain. Sakura was developing feelings for me. She had practically said it,
- "you've got your eyes on someone?"
"I do." -
The memory played in my head. Her unwavering stare had said so much. The silence had said even more. The fact she didn't protest me leaving any further.
- "Are you going to run away? I said I wanted to talk to you." -
It was obvious she'd been thinking about me in some way. But I was too self-critical to believe she could've meant me in this particular moment. Squeezing my eyes shut, I forcefully tried to summon sleep as it escaped me.
The feeling returned to my stomach when I inevitably thought of her. Her hand on my cheek. It seemed taboo almost, in my own mind. Considering what people would say, troubled by my feelings. I felt strongly for the woman. Strong enough that my stomach felt like a weightless queasy orb sometimes around her. I worried about her constantly. I had found myself dying to see her over the last year, often feeling too much pressure from the sheer weight of her eye contact. Finding it hard to look at her for too long in fear of the stomach orb returning. But it would return regardless. Again and again.
It was getting hard to discern why I'd been avoiding it. Why didn't I just directly confront her about this? Why couldn't I just be like 'Yo, Sakura, I've been picking up some intense vibes from you lately, is everything okay between us?' But it all sounded so stupid in my head. The practiced comments would be succeeded by negative supposed outcomes. Things like she doesn't even think of you like that, you're just a perv, people would certainly think I'm a perv. SHE would probably think I am for even bringing it up.
But, tonight? Tonight made me think maybe my hunch about her feelings was spot on and, to be honest, I was beginning to suspect that I too felt something for her. Something that told me I wanted to tuck her hair behind her ear when she smiled. Something begging me to smile stupidly every time she smiled. Something wanting me to be the reason for that grin. I just wanted to see her happy, make her happy.
Maybe, I do have feelings for her.
"I'm sorry if I was too pushy last night." The woman in my entryway said blushing, after the few long seconds that followed the door opening.
"Yo." I greeted her, "I uh," hesitating nervously.
She made a noise of embarrassment and scoffed at herself. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have even come.'' She turned on her heels and started walking away. Leaving me standing in my doorway, speechless for a few moments, before I found the words I needed.
"Hey, you're not just going to run away, are you?'' I called after her. Hoping she remembered saying those words to me the night prior. It seemed she did as she froze. "I said to come find me if you still wanted to talk-"
"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, so- I just wanted to apologize," She cut me off, turning around to face me.
She looked distressed, like it was the first thing she'd gotten up to do that morning.
"Come inside?" I said after a long silence, and turned to walk inside without waiting for her response.
While she took off her sandals and cautiously placed them by my door, I found my way to the couch and tried my best to get comfortable.
She was obviously nervous, we both were, as she stood there staring at me. Despite my pounding heart rate, I offered her a small pat on the cushion beside me and gave her my best reassuring expression.
"If you still have something you wanted to talk to me about, I'm all ears." I tried to sound as aloof as I could, finding a more comfortable way to sit as she joined me.
"I do, but I don't know how to say it." She breathed when she'd settle in.
"Say what?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.
Her face grew red.
"Or rather, I don't know what to say."
"You could start with how you tried to flirt with me, or…. something…. last night." I said in a moment of boldness, hoping the accusation would take some attention off myself.
"I- " she stammered. " I don't know what's been going on in my head recently. I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable."
I still deprived her of an answer selfishly. I wanted to hear her feelings before, or if, I'd ever reveal my own. I still wasn't even sure how I felt about her for myself. I certainly wasn't about to pour my heart out to her. Right? In my conflicted thoughts, I readjusted again, slinging my arm along the back of the sofa and dragging one foot up to tuck under my other leg so I could face her more fully.
"What's been bothering you so much to make you act so unlike yourself?" I inquired when my anxiety allowed.
"Oh gods, I did make you uncomfortable, didn't I?" Her expression was terribly upset as she buried her face in her hands.
"No," I said slowly, after a long consideration. "You didn't. I just have- some questions."
She tilted her head inquisitively.
"Like, why did you-" I paused, the words unwilling to surface. She stared at me patiently. "Why do we-" I began to rephrase the question, but still found no words.
"Why do I feel…" I couldn't read her facial expression as I stammered along helplessly. Unlike myself to feel so caught off guard. "... feel like something's changed… between us."
She hung her head and I became increasingly aware of how close my fingers were to her rose-colored tresses.
"I've been thinking about that a lot." She sighed.
"Is that what's been keeping you up at night?'' I asked thoughtfully, terrified she would say yes. Realizing the terror when she nodded, confirming all my suspicions. Still unwilling to believe it, unwilling to give in. "Am I the one who you've been-" I stuttered on gracelessly. The slowly spoken words were cut off by an even slower nod.
I had already known. But, now I had to accept it for reality. My anxiety peaked beneath my flak jacket. Heart pounding so hard it felt painful. She looked up to me, her face a question.
In my panic, I said nothing. I just gawked at the woman, hoping all my emotion would stay hidden behind my mask. My heart raced to the point I thought it would give out when she reached towards me. Her hands found the edge of my face covering. My heart dropped to my stomach when the mask fell loose around my neck. I was frozen again when the cool air graced my skin, followed by her gentle touch. My eyes didnt dare to break free of her minty gaze.
Her hand slid to cup my cheek, her fingertips resting in the edge of the hairline just behind my ear. I made no move. I wanted so badly to kiss her. To pull her in. But, I was frozen in my fears. My fingers twitched in some form of desperation, fight or flight maybe? I didn't want to give in to something I didn't understand. It felt like an eternity as we sat there staring into each others eyes. Her eyes absolutely mesmerized me as they bounced between my own and my exposed lips.
How had this happened?
But as her face approached mine, the softness of her lips was more noticeable at the new distance, my entire being begged to feel them against mine. I wanted to release all my emotions onto her. I wanted to hold her closely and whisper my adorations. I wanted to tell her I loved her. Her face was even closer now, her eyes moving slowly between my lips and my gaze.
Thud thud thud thud.
I could hear my heart in my eardrums, and my fingers twitched again. I noticed my hand had moved on its own when her lips met mine. Slowly at first, a gentle brush. Almost asking me for permission, before my reflexively stiffened posture pressed forward into her decidedly. My fingers tangled in the silken strands of hair at the nape of her neck.
Her hand gripped the back of my head, tangling into my hair. When she pulled me in to deepen the kiss, I balanced myself with her knee, lightly placing my free hand over it. I recall squeezing it involuntarily from my suspense. My other hand left her hair to find hers, still tangled in my own unruly silver tufts. I traced a finger over her knuckles as gently as I could manage in my stupor. Our lips parted and she rested her forehead against my own. Opening my eyes to study her face, her own lids still shut as she panted agaist me. Uncertain. each of us still holding the other in place, with only a few inches between us. Breathing against each other for a moment, before I began to pull back. My own uncertainty. But she followed my movement.
Her hand pulling my face back to hers as she threw her leg over mine. She kissed me passionately as she moved to straddle me. My mouth was on autopilot, from my seemingly numb mind, as my hands embarked on the trail from her outer thighs to her waist. I pulled her torso against my own instinctively. My fingers began kneading circles in the flesh of her hips. Both of her hands now entangled in my hair, a soft moan escaped her lips into mine.
The noise sparked something within me that I'd never felt before. I squeezed her waist harder, and a surprised noise of desire slipped past my filter. I coughed awkwardly at the realization the sound beckoned, snapping out of my sudden lust.
"Are you sure this is-'' I started to ask, but she was insistent and swallowed my words. I felt an urgency behind her movements, like she wanted me to shut up. So I forced her hips down for her to sit back on my lap, ignoring the warmth of her center radiating against my thighs.
"Are you sure this is something we want?" I asked her, shooting her a questioning gaze. Maybe I was asking myself.
"I've never wanted anything more in my life," she breathed, biting her lip and lightly tugging at my hair. I allowed her to guide me as she tilted my head back and exposed my neck. Her lips gracing the tender skin with a trail of gentle kisses.
When she reached for the hem of her shirt, she looked at me as if to ask permission again. I responded by sliding my hands to hers and scrutinizing her gaze for any hint of doubt. I found the only certainty I'd seen in at least a year. I helped her push the shirt over her head and her white lacy bra was a teasing sight. The cream colored cleavage enticing me even further; I felt myself getting hard beneath her.
My heart still pounded in my ears as we undressed each other between the brushes of our lips. Her tongue dipping into my mouth and coaxing a groan from my throat. She slowly dragged her lips against my abdomen, making my throbbing heart nearly skip a beat, as she trailed her way between soft kisses and licks to my waist line. Her eyes searched my face for hesitation as she undid the button of my Jonin uniform pants; though she would find no doubt there. She was entirely disrobed and I let my eyes wander over the faint scars across her shoulders and biceps. Letting the gaze trail up the muscles in her neck and tracing the shape of her mouth with my thumb. She smiled at that, returning to take her seat in my lap once she'd discarded my boxers somehwere on the floor. The blush on her face when I took a dainty pink nipple into my mouth was beautiful. She slid herself down the length of me when I felt her for the first time. How she ground into me, filling herself as deep as she could was nearly a work of art.
The moans that escaped me were something I didn't expect from myself as she began to ride me. Sex with someone I actually cared for, sex with Sakura, felt more important than any short passionate fling I'd ever had. The weight of our emotion crashed down on us as we gave in to this sort of mysterious and un-discussed desire. I wanted to make her feel so incredible as I scooped her up in my arm and laid her on the couch beneath me; contuining the rhythm she'd started without pause. I slowly rocked into her, wanting to make her forget all worries. Wanting to drink in the sight of her as she moaned and traced her hands over my shoulders and abdomen.
I kissed her with everything I had left in me, two weary souls landlocked on a sofa, in a world entirely desolate of anyone but the two of us. In that moment, she was all that mattered to me; All that ever mattered to me. I could feel her wetness dripping down my body and her own as her walls contracted around me. I wanted to taste her and I couldn't resist the urge when green irises peered at me through hooded lids. When I pulled myself out of her it felt like a loss only breifly, and i filled the void by settling for getting my mouth on her skin as quickly as possible. The audible gasp she'd made at my retreat only provoking my desire further. I tasted her, savoring it. Sucking gently on her clit while her hands found mine. Her small calloused fingers encased in my own as she moaned and moved beneath my oral undulations. When she was quivering and i heard my name escape her lips breathlessly, I wanted to fill her again. Sheld my hands when I kissed her lips, her thighs, her clit. Making my way up the center of her to her mouth again. This time when our lips met, I let it all out. Every ounce of angst-filled tension I had for her was sighed out in one long-awaited kiss. Our fingers were still entangled and I could feel her breasts rise and fall against my own chest. I drove myself deep inside her, pressing to feel her limits while she moaned, encouraging my invasion. Kissing and nibbling on her neck and ear lobe as I thrust into her.
"You feel so incredible" I whispered into the hollow of her collarbone, my thrusts becoming needier as the sounds she made intensified with my words. I could feel when she was about to cum, her warmth tightening around me, her inner muscles reluctant to let me go. Her head tilted back onto my sofa and I had a beautiful view of her chest as it rose and fell more dramatically with each quickening breath.
Beautiful. I thought and she released herself onto me with a gasp. Her wetness flooded the space between her thighs again.
"Kakashi." She sighed, her face a flush with desire as her hands grasped at any part of me she could hold on to. It completely drove me over the edge. My thrusts were almost involuntary as I neared it. My hands finding her hips, I pulled her down into me as I filled her. A satisfied groan escaped me simultaneously. The tension I'd built up dissipated. Her face flushed a deeper shade of magenta as she gazed up at me. She was seemingly beginning to be embarrassed by her nakedness when she held her breasts in her hands. Looking up to me with the shyest smile on her face, it was genuinely the cutest thing I'd ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I leaned into her, holding her closely, and kissed her gently. Then I breathed those words when her gaze met mine again; the ones I'd been dying to say. My heart finally began to settle as I relented my secrets to her with one small statement.
"I think I'm in love with you, Sakura, but-."I was indeed in love, everything in me wanted her happiness, to protect her, to be there for her. But, everything else in me knew I was incapable of protecting anything. "- But I've never been able to hold on to the things I love for very long," I said it sadly, brushing her cheek and searhing her glossy eyes for her response. Slowly, I pulled out of her, taking in the sight of her like it would be my last time; and she kissed me. A kiss that was full of love, pain, and desire. We hadn't done much talking during this visit yet, and we both knew our communication would be necessary. But at this particular moment, we were still the only two people in the world. Still lost in a kiss that would forever change the both of us.
"It's a shame you wear that mask.-" She smiled, touching my face thoughtfully. "I never get to see the people I love for very long."