Chapter 48
Jessie woke up the next morning just as the sun was rising above the horizon. She laid in bed for a while, taking her time to awaken before she finally decided to climb out of bed and start her day.
The first thing she did was glance out the bedroom window to see if she could see the Impala or Bobby's Chevelle. But as she suspected, no one was back yet. So she headed into the bathroom, taking all the time she wanted to shower and get ready for the day.
She was hungry by the time she made it downstairs but she wasn't feeling all that well. She'd begun to suffer with a mild headache and now it was beginning to throb, as well as having an upset stomach. She quickly glanced out of the window thinking she'd seen something, which she hadn't, but it had served to remind her about the shed. She realized now what she needed to do to get rid of her headache and stomach ache. She just didn't know if she could, or if she should.
— — —
After a trip out to the shed, she was feeling much better, at least physically. She now felt guilty as hell, but she had to continue telling herself it was all for the welfare of the baby. If she couldn't convince herself, she was sure she wouldn't be able to live with herself. She knew what she was doing was wrong. She knew it was dangerous. But Crowley was right. Meg would definitely kill her, and probably in the most painful way she could imagine. She had to do everything she could to keep that from happening. Even if the idea had come from Crowley.
Once she was back in the house she began to make herself breakfast. She wasn't in the mood for anything too greasy, so she decided on making oatmeal with fresh fruit. Besides being healthier for her, she needed something to help keep her warm. Especially while Sam wasn't around. Bobby's house wasn't in disrepair, but she always found it incredibly drafty. It definitely wasn't as warm and cozy as her own house.
A short time later, she was washing the dishes when her phone began to ring. She nearly dropped it in her haste to answer it, but she managed to keep a hold of it, although she almost missed the call by the time she finally managed to answer it.
She was excited to hear Sam's voice for a moment. However, she was quickly disappointed when he told her they wouldn't be home until some time in the evening. He explained that Bobby had asked for their help, which is where they were now. And all of them needed a couple hours of sleep before driving home. She did her best not to give away her disappointment over the phone, but she was unable to hide her irritation. She hung up the phone before he finished talking, which she instantly regretted.
Once she was finished cleaning the kitchen, she took her laptop into the livingroom, sat down on the couch and began doing some research. She kept at it for two hours before she began to doze off. She didn't want to sleep, so she got up and did some laundry and some miscellaneous cleaning, but by midafternoon she felt drained. So she took a book into the livingroom, laying down on the couch and began to read. It wasn't long before she drifted off, the book she was holding falling onto the floor.
Jessie was awakened some time later by loud voices in the house. She opened her eyes to find everything was dark, except for the lights on the Christmas tree and a light shining from under the kitchen door. She listened momentarily, her worry leaving as soon as she heard Bobby's voice.
She sat up on the couch, answering Sam as he called her name from the kitchen. She barely had a chance to get to her feet by the time he came flying into the room, pulling her into a tight embrace.
"Whoa!" she said as she pulled herself loose of his grip. "It's only been two days."
"Sorry," he said with a bright smile. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too," she replied with an equally bright smile.
He grasped her face gently with his hand as he leaned in close to kiss her. It was a long, slow, passionate kiss, that lasted for more than a minute, until they were interrupted by the light being turned on and a booming voice.
"What the hell did you do to my house?" Bobby demanded.
She pulled away from Sam slowly, smiling furtively before turning her gaze towards Bobby.
"You mean you don't like the lights? They're festive."
"They're tacky," he replied harshly.
"You love 'em and you know it," she said with a wide grin.
He gazed at her silently for a moment before he shook his head and left the room for his study, closing the door loudly behind him.
"So...what took you so long anyways?" she asked Sam, once again turning towards him with a smile.
"Oh, uh, it was no big deal," he replied hesitantly.
The smile quickly faded from her face, replaced by a look of suspicion. She wanted to ask him outright if he was lying, but she didn't want to upset him or start an argument. She stayed silent for a few moments, pondering an answer to her dilemma.
"What are you keeping from me, Sam?" she asked calmly.
"What? Nothing," he replied as innocently as he could.
She sighed lightly. "Why is it I don't believe you?"
He shifted his gaze for a moment. "After we finished off that case for Marcus, we met up with Bobby."
He'd already told her that on the phone, but she suspected there was more to it than that. She was going to ask him more about it, in hopes he would answer truthfully. But she wasn't in the mood to play games. She just wanted the truth.
"Is this about all the demon omens?"
"Huh? You know about that?" he asked with surprise.
She sighed, shaking her head slightly. "If you don't want me to keep secrets, then why are you?"
"Jessie—"
"Sam. I know you think it's going to upset me or something, but I'm a big girl."
"I know," he replied ruefully. "It wasn't my idea to keep it from you."
"It wasn't?" she said with surprise.
"No. It was Bobby's."
"Sonofabitch!"
"Jessie," he said, grasping her hands. "He's just worried about you."
She shifted her gaze for a moment feeling guilty, mumbling. "That's why I should've left all of you outta this."
"No. You know what Bobby would say, don't you?"
She had an idea, but she shook her head 'no' in response.
"We're family. And family's supposed to look out for each other."
She nodded in approval, but couldn't help frowning. Absentmindedly, she pulled one of her hands free of his grip, placing it on her belly. As she glanced down at her stomach, Sam gently lifted her chin so he could gaze into her eyes.
"I don't want you to worry," he said with determination. "We're not gonna let anything happen to you."
She smiled lightly, tears beginning to well up in her eyes. She leaned in close to him, burying her face in his chest and wrapping her arms around him. He immediately wrapped his arms around her firmly, kissing the top of her head. They were quiet for several minutes just holding each other, each of them silent with their own thoughts.
Sam wasn't nearly as confident as he was letting on. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so frightened. But he had to imagine it was when Dean was going to hell and there was no way he could stop it. He wasn't sure what he would do if something happened to Jessie. But he couldn't let that happen.
Jessie knew Sam was upset, which only served to upset her as well. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was frightened about her safety, and there was nothing she could do or say to make him feel better. The best thing she could do is keep herself as safe as possible, which is what she was trying to do. Strangely, it helped alleviate some of the guilt she was still feeling after her visit with Crowley.
Their moment was interrupted when Bobby walked into the room calling Sam's name. He seemed to be slightly distressed, but he kept his voice even and impassive.
"I need you to run an errand for me, Sam."
He raised his eyebrow slightly in surprise. "Where's Dean?"
"He's in the shower and this can't wait."
He kissed Jessie tenderly on the lips, gently stroking the side of her face as he did so. It was a brief kiss, but very meaningful. He didn't want to leave her again so soon. But whatever it was that Bobby needed was obviously important.
She watched Sam follow Bobby from the room with disappointment. She figured he wouldn't be gone long, but all she wanted to do was stay in his arms. She couldn't remember a time when she felt safer than every moment she spent wrapped in his arms. Maybe it was when she was little, before her parents were killed. But somehow she even doubted that.
Since it was late, she decided to head into the kitchen and make something to eat. She was close to the door when it flung open suddenly, coming face to face with Bobby, who backed up in surprise with an apology.
"I have to go out, too, Jess," he said quickly. "We shouldn't be long."
"Wait!" she said as he turned around to leave. "What's going on?"
He turned towards her again with impatience. "Nothing for you to worry about. Just tell Dean we'll be back soon."
She opened her mouth to ask him another question, but he turned around in a hurry and was almost out of earshot in mere moments. She wanted to chase after him and find out what was going on, but she knew there was no point. Even if she could catch up to him, she knew he'd never tell her. So she continued her way into the kitchen to make something to eat.
She was bent over looking in the fridge when she heard Dean walk into the kitchen. She straightened up, peeking her head around the corner of the door, asking him if he'd eaten. He looked at her curiously, answering with a curt, "no."
"I didn't pull anything out since I wasn't sure when you'd all be home. But I can make sandwiches if you'd like."
"Yeah, whatever," he replied, taking his seat at the kitchen table.
She ignored his abruptness, chalking it up to being hungry. She grabbed him a beer, which he thanked her for, but she sensed there was more to his attitude than just being hungry or tired. She wanted to continue ignoring it, but she couldn't just let it go.
"Is there something you'd like to say to me, Dean?" she asked as impassively as possible.
He glanced at her with a hard look, taking a sip of his beer before placing it back down on the table.
"I do. But what's the point?"
She snorted, shaking her head in disbelief. "Whatever it is, just say it, Dean."
"What? And break my promise to Bobby?"
She looked at him knowingly and with deep regret, but it was only momentarily.
"How very passive aggressive of you, Dean," she replied with narrowed eyes.
He was silent for a moment, gazing at her pensively. "I could say the opposite about you. You're completely transparent."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"This. All of this," he said pointing to the Christmas lights. "It's all so obvious."
"Really?" she said with a raised eyebrow. "I'd really love to hear this."
He snorted derisively. "Do you really think that buying some presents and cooking a big meal is gonna make up for the crap you pulled?"
She snickered with utter disbelief. "So that's what you think this is about?" She watched him nod in agreement before continuing. "You couldn't be more wrong, Dean."
"Now who's fooling themselves?"
She shook her head in amazement. "You can believe what you want, but the truth is—never mind."
She turned away, her shoulders slumping slightly, fighting back tears. She didn't want to speak about it, much less think about it. However, she knew she had to say something or she was going to have to tell him the complete truth. And there was no way she wanted that.
She turned back around a few moments later, looking sorrowfully. She swallowed hard once, doing her best to keep her voice even and stop tears forming in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Dean. I know I swore I wouldn't hurt your brother, and that's exactly what I did."
He gazed at her shrewdly for a moment before standing up from his chair. "There's something else, isnt there?"
"What? You don't believe me?" she asked in surprise.
"No. I never said that," he replied frankly. "I know you didn't mean to hurt, Sam."
"Then what are you talking about?"
He took a few steps closer to her, almost coming face to face with her. "You were going to say something else and then you changed your mind. What was it?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said, feigning ignorance.
"Yeah, you do," he replied. "Why are you so adamant about celebrating Christmas?"
She sighed, hoping she wouldn't have to tell him the whole truth. "This is my first Christmas being a married woman. In fact, it's the first Christmas I've even wanted to celebrate since my grandmother died."
"What about your grandfather?"
She glanced away uneasily for a moment. "He didn't celebrate anything after she died."
"Oh," he replied.
"Yeah. It's been a very long time since I've had a Christmas," she said wistfully. "Half my life."
He began to feel ambivalent about his questioning, but he could feel there was still more she wasn't saying.
"I can understand that," he said honestly. "But there's still more to it, isn't there?"
"No. Why would you think that?" she asked with a mixture of surprise and curiosity.
He snorted lightly. "You wanna know why?" He watched her nod her head, then took a step forward, grasping her by the lower arm. "Because I know you well enough to know that you're upset."
She snorted in disbelief. "You mean you think you know me."
"No. I know you. You're exactly like me. You're trying to do anything you can to distract yourself from what you're feeling."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really. And the problem is you can't drink your problems away like you normally do," he replied shrewdly.
She took a deep breath in an attempt to control herself. She knew he was exactly right. She was trying to avoid what she was thinking and he could see right through her. She should've known if anyone would notice it would be him. She had hoped she'd been hiding it well enough. But apparently it wasn't enough to hide from him.
"Fine. You're right," she said evenly.
He waited silently for a few moments, hoping he wouldn't have to coax an answer from her. But the longer he waited, the more he realized she wasn't just going to tell him what was bothering her. So he decided to try a different strategy.
"I never get used to hearing that," he said with a smirk. "Imagine that. I was right about something."
She rolled her eyes with a shake of her head, but she didn't take the bait.
He sighed loudly, squeezing her arm in support. "Why don't you just tell me what you were going to say? I'm not gonna just let it drop."
She bit her lip for a moment to fight back tears, before yanking her arms free of his grasp and turning around so she wouldn't have to face him. She was too afraid to talk about what she was feeling for fear that speaking about it out loud would make it true.
"I can't, Dean."
"Yes, you can," he replied supportively.
"No," she replied, violently shaking her head. "I really can't."
He knew she wasn't going to say anything unless he tried a different approach. After a few moments, he laid his hand on her shoulder for support, speaking gently. "We're family, Jessie. This is what family does."
She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a long, deep breath before opening her eyes and turning to face him.
"I'll tell you. But first you need to make me a promise."
"Uh, yeah, okay," he replied hesitantly.
"This doesn't go any farther than you and me. You can't tell Sam anything that I tell you."
He sighed, shaking his head. "I'm not sure I can agree to that."
"Dammit, Dean! Why couldn't you just leave it alone?" she said frantically.
"What can I say? I'm a helluva guy," he replied, trying to lighten the mood.
She snorted with utter disbelief. "Fine. You wanted to know what I was going to say, so here goes." She took a long, deep breath to calm herself before continuing. "I want to try and have one normal Christmas, since it will probably be the last one I ever have."
"Jessie—"
"I'm not finished, Dean!" she shrieked. "I know that the three of you will do your best to save me and my son. But the truth is, I don't see this ending well for me. No matter what happens, I'm not gonna survive this. Whether it's while I'm pregnant, or after the baby is born. It's gonna end bloody for me. I know it. You know it. I think even Bobby and Sam knows it. But neither of them are going to admit it to themselves."
"No way. We're not gonna let that happen."
She snorted loudly. "Do you truly believe that? Or are you just saying that?"
He stood pensively for a moment before responding.
"Of course I believe it. We stopped the damned apocalypse. We can stop this too."
"I wish I could be as optimistic as you," she replied sadly.
"Don't tell me you've given up already? That doesn't sound like the Jessie I know."
She pursed her lips, forcing back tears. "I know you think you know me, Dean, but you don't. The only reason I didn't give up before was because I had a mission. Kill the thing that slaughtered my family. But things are different now."
"You're right. They are. Now you have something real to live for," he replied, his hands waving around animatedly, making his point. "If nothing else, you need to fight like hell for Sam and your kid."
She shifted her gaze away from him suddenly feeling guilty. It wasn't that she'd given up exactly. She just didn't have the same amount of faith as he seemed to have. She'd never thought of herself as lucky, so why would that suddenly change? Happily ever after always seemed to be for other people, unattainable for herself. She had fooled herself once. She didn't want to do it again.
"I haven't given up, Dean," she said, raising her gaze to meet his eyes. "I would never give up on Sam, or my baby. I'm just having a hard time seeing a happy ending to all of this."
If he was being honest with himself, he would've agreed with her. He was never one for being optimistic, but he was also never one to give up. And he knew he couldn't. This wasn't just about her, or the baby. But it was also about his brother. He didn't even want to imagine what might happen to Sam if he lost Jessie, or his son.
"I'll make you a deal," he said suddenly. "I won't tell Sam about this conversation as long as you promise not to give up."
She pondered his proposal for a moment before shaking her head in agreement.
"Thank you, Dean. It's more than I deserve."
"Hey. I don't think what you did was right. But I've had time to think about it, and...I understand," he said supportively. "You were protecting your kid, and Sam. I can't fault you for that."
She nodded lightly, with a hint of a smile. "Now. Do you want a sandwich, or what?" she asked, hoping it was the end of that subject.
"Are you kidding?" he asked with a grin. "When have you ever known me to turn down food?"
"Good answer," she replied with a chuckle.
She turned around and began gathering the things she needed from the fridge to make sandwiches, happy that that particular conversation was over and hopefully the end of it. She had to admit to herself that it did make her feel a little bit better to talk about it. However, she wasn't sure it had changed her mind quiet yet. At least she knew that Dean would do everything he could to make sure she was safe. Not that she had ever had any doubts about it before. It just seemed to make her feel better knowing for sure.
By the time she had finished making a few sandwiches, both Sam and Bobby had made it back to the house. Both were famished, so no business was talked about until after they'd eaten and had a beer. She sat down with them and ate a sandwich, longing to have a beer—or ten—as well. Although, she really longed for something stronger, like whiskey or vodka. But at this point, anything would have done. If nothing else, Dean had been completely right about that. She missed drinking her worries away. It was much more difficult being in control of her emotions when she was constantly sober.
After everyone was finished eating, Bobby made more excuses about being busy before taking off into his study. She wanted to follow him and demand he tell her what was going on, but she knew it would do no good. He was even more stubborn than she ever was, and no amount of guilt trips or reverse psychology had ever worked on him. And she was pretty sure it wasn't about to start working now.
After much coaxing, she decided to sit on the couch with Sam and watch a movie. She wasn't sure why he seemed to be so adamant about it, but his motives revealed themselves a short time later when both Bobby and Dean left the house. It was the moment she realized that he'd planned for them to have some alone time. But she wasn't quite in the mood to just go along with it so easily. She wanted him to work for it.
Not long into the movie, she began to complain that she wanted to watch something else. He looked at her strangely, but began looking for something else to watch. Everything he stopped on she didn't want to watch, or at least that was what she said. But when he was lucky enough to find her favorite movie of all time, he thought he was in the clear. But when she said she didn't want to watch it either, he realized something was going on.
"Is something wrong, Jess?" he asked as he took her hand into his.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Sam," she replied.
"You don't want to watch your favorite movie and you have no idea what I'm talking about?"
She was still a bit irritated with him for disappearing and not telling her what was going on. And after her talk with Dean, she was feeling much more sensitive about things than she had been earlier. She definitely wanted to spend some time alone with him, but at the same time, she didn't like that he seemed to be keeping things from her.
"As much as I'd like to forget that you're keeping something from me, I can't."
He sighed before wrapping his arm around her and pulling her against his chest. "Could you give me the benefit of the doubt just this one time?"
She was quiet for a short time, pondering the answer to his question. He had forgiven her for what she'd done and given her the benefit of the doubt. How could she do any less for him?
"As long as you can promise me that it's not important," she finally replied.
He positioned his head so he could look into her eyes, brushing her cheek lightly with his hand. "I promise," he said with a nod of his head.
It was difficult, but she managed to wiggle herself into a better position. One where she was able to lean in an kiss him, which surprised him for a moment. She couldn't help smiling against his lips at the look on his face, telling her he'd expected her to do something entirely different than what she'd actually done. But once the momentary shock wore off, he kissed her back with longing.
They spent a very short time making out on the couch before it became uncomfortable for both of them. Sam attempted to pick her up from the couch, but she wouldn't allow that. She knew he was more than capable of carrying her, but with her extra weight she was a little self-concious, and maybe a little afraid as well. So instead, he took her hand, leading her up to the bedroom, where they made gentle, yet passionate love for hours, before they fell asleep in each other's arms.
Jessie woke up the next morning shortly after the sun had begun its ascent over the horizon. As was usual, she needed to use the bathroom, but that wasn't what had waken her up for once. She thought she'd heard someone outside, but when she went to look out the bedroom window she didn't see anyone, or anything. She crept into the bathroom so she could look out that window as well and still didn't see anything. So she went to the bathroom before going through her usual routine, all the time keeping an ear out. Although, by this time she'd dismissed it as her imagination.
As she was about to exit the bathroom, she could've sworn she had heard someone walking around the house. She reached for the knife she kept strapped to her ankle—which was always there, except when she was in bed, where she would leave it underneath the pillow—and opened the bathroom door quietly. She slowly walked out of the bathroom, one careful step at a time, her knife gripped tightly in her hand. Heading towards the stairs, she pressed up against the wall beside the threshhold, positioning her hand in case she needed to strike. She was about to look around the doorway when she heard one of the stairs creak lightly. She slowed her breathing down, listening, readying herself, but as she stepped out of her spot to confront the intruder, she backed up before smacking into them, cursing loudly.
"What the hell, Bobby?!" she shrieked.
"You mind dropping your weapon?" he asked quietly.
She lowered her hand, glancing at him with suspicion and apprehension. "Why are you skulking around your own house?"
"I figured you and Sam would still be sleeping...or something else," he replied.
She was still for a moment before releasing the tight grip she had on the knife and relaxing her stance. She knew he was the real Bobby, but she was still suspicious. She could tell that he was hiding something from her.
"Where's your car?"
"It broke down not far from here. I hoofed it home."
"Where's Dean?"
"I dunno. Last I saw of him he was with some tall, blonde drink of water," he replied, slightly irritated. "What's with the twenty questions anyway?"
She narrowed her eyes. "You mean you can't see how I would find any of this suspicious?"
"Or maybe you're just being paranoid? Or overly sensitive?" he replied furtively.
She wasn't sure if he was mocking her or just being an ass. Either way, she wasn't in the mood. She glared at him for a moment before placing her knife back into its sheath then heading down into the kitchen to grab some breakfast.
She was standing at the kitchen counter chopping some onions she planned on using in an omelette when Sam swept into the kitchen, coming to stand behind her. He placed his hands on her hips, nuzzling up to her and began nibbling on her neck gently. She stopped chopping, closing her eyes for a moment to enjoy the pleasure coursing through her body by his gentle touch, but the sound of something dropping onto the floor upstairs was enough to snap her back to reality.
"Sam," she said giddily. "Bobby is home."
"We're married, Jessie," he replied with disappointment.
"I know, but, it's Bobby," she said, turning around to face him with a giddy smile. "It just feels weird."
He brushed a stray hair from her face, tracing a line down her cheek making her sigh with pleasure. He leaned in close, grasping her firmly with his arms, kissing her slowly and deeply. She allowed herself to be swept up in the moment, completely forgetting everything around her for the moment. It wasn't until she began to feel nauseous that she backed off, apologizing profusely.
"Are you okay?" he asked with concern.
She nodded her head before running upstairs into the bathroom to get sick.
She was brushing her teeth when Sam swept into the room, placing a hand on her back supportively. He didn't have to say anything, she could see his look of concern in the mirror.
"I'm okay, Sam. Really," she said as she set her toothbrush in its holder. "I still get sick sometimes."
"Is that, uh, normal?" he asked hesitantly.
She smiled, turning around to face him. "Completely normal."
"You sure?"
She chuckled. "You love to research things. Why don't you go read up on pregnancy and get back to me?" she teased.
He rolled his eyes. "Is that a challenge?" he teased in return.
"Only if you think you're up for it," she replied with a grin.
He smiled, pulling her closer, kissing her on the forehead. "Why don't I finish breakfast?"
The thought of breakfast now made her naseous, so she agreed, albeit reluctantly. She knew he could cook, and he was a decent cook, but she still preferred cooking for herself.
She sat down at the table while he finished chopping the onions he'd interrupted her cutting earlier. She was still feeling lousy, and the smell of the onions was making her want to get sick again. She closed her eyes in an attempt to fight off another wave of nauseousness, but that didn't seem to help. It was then that idea occurred to her.
"Sam," she called. "I'm gonna take a walk out in the yard."
He turned around looking confused. "Huh? Why?"
"I still feel sick. Maybe all I need is some fresh air," she replied.
His look of confusion quickly turned to a look of concern. "Are you sure it's safe walking in the yard alone?"
She smiled as she walked over to him, placing her on his shoulder. "I'll be fine. I won't be long. And...I'll take weapons."
He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her close and kissing her gently on the lips for a moment. "You can't blame a man for being concerned."
She smiled teasingly. "If you were any other man, yeah, I could."
He smiled in return, but it wasn't as warm as hers. He was still worried. "Well, if it'll make you feel better, then okay."
She smiled, patting him on the back reassuringly then walked to the coat rack to fetch her coat. She put it on, showing Sam she had weapons with her before heading out into the frosty morning air. She had one destination in mind, and she headed there with determination. It wasn't the fresh air she needed, although it would help, it was something else. Something she hoped was awaiting her in the shed.
A/N: Seems that Jessie isn't the only one with secrets, does it? And what do you think she's up to? Will update again soon.
Thanks for reading!