Chapter 73

Jessie stared at Sam with apprehension as he pulled a chair away from the wall and moved it closer to her before sitting down. She could tell by his posture and the fact he'd run his fingers through his hair in frustration that she was not going to like this conversation. Normally her anxiety would be pretty manageable. But since hell it wasn't so easy to manage.

"Jessie," he began hesitantly. "I didn't want to bring this up now. I wanted to wait until you had a chance to, uh, get settled in, for lack of a better word. But.." he trailed off unsure of how to say what he wanted to say. As he begun to wring his hands, his face took on a pained expression.

Jessie had no idea what this was about, but every second she waited felt like an eternity. She hadn't ever seen him like this, which made her worry so much more. She wanted to yell at him, to tell him to hurry up, but she stayed silent. As much as it pained her to.

It was almost two minutes before he was ready to speak again. Or as ready as he ever would be.

"I know you're gonna be angry with me, but I need you to hear me out," he said, waiting until she nodded in agreement before continuing. "I, uh, well we, uh, as in Dean and Bobby, uh, think that our son would be much better off if we didn't find him right now."

Jessie was completely stunned. She had no idea what to think because it was the last thing she had expected. She closed her eyes, fighting off tears of anger. When she opened them a few moments later, she saw her husband looking at her pleadingly.

"I can't believe you would ask this of me, Sam," she said angrily as she stood up from her chair.

"I know, but you agreed to hear me out," he said calmly, reaching his hand out to her.

She sighed loudly then reluctantly sat back down, ignoring his outreached hand.

He dropped his hand to his side before speaking again.

"Jess, Bobby and Dean both agree this would be for the best. And I didn't want to agree with them, but—"

"That's enough, Sam," she said, cutting him off before he could finish his thought. "I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say, he's safer away from us, right?"

"Yes."

She closed her eyes for a moment, fighting back a wave of tears. When she opened her eyes again, a couple of tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Sam, you know what I went through to protect our son," she said with her voice trembling. "I hid myself away from you, I drank demon blood, I lost my best friend, I nearly lost you, I sold my soul, I died and I went to hell, all for him."

"I know, Jess," he said as he placed a supportive hand on her knee. "And this is too much to ask, I know. But you can't deny that he is safer if no one knows where he is. Even us."

She glanced away with tears running down her face. She didn't want to agree with him, but she knew he was probably right. That didn't stop her from wanting to make him understand how painful it would be.

"Sam," she said a few moments later, still looking away into the distance. "Do you wanna know what was worse than most of the physical torture I went through in hell? It was the psychological torture." She felt Sam reach out and take her hands into his and squeeze them supportively, but she continued to stare off into the distance. "When I was sitting in my cell wondering when my next torture would be, I would hear baby cries. They sounded just like Bobby's. I would look around for him just to realize he wasn't there. Then I would curl into a ball and cry my eyes out knowing I could never hold him ever again. And now that I have the chance to get him back, you want me to torture myself?"

Sam called her name gently several times until she gazed back in his direction.

"I'm so sorry, Jess," he said with tears in his eyes. "I wish things could be different."

"They can be. And they will be, eventually," she said with conviction. "I promise you that."

Sam was surprised by his wife's optimism. And the more he thought about it, the more worried he became. He didn't want her to hold onto hope where there was none. Especially since she had been through so much already. He knew better than most that a person could only take so much before they eventually break. And he imagined she was already close to that. He didn't think he could bear to lose her again.

"As much as I want to believe that could be true, I don't see how."

"That's because you don't know the things I know," she said as she turned towards him again.

"What things?" he asked in surprise.

She smiled slightly, squeezing his hands. "I can't really talk about that right now. Just know I am going to do everything in my power to make sure a life with our son will be possible."

Sam was unsure if she was deluding herself or she really knew something he didn't. But he found himself emotionally drained and didn't want to continue the conversation if he could help it. Instead, he decided to change the subject.

"So, uh, Bobby thinks he found us a case nearby and I was wondering if you were up to joining us."

Jessie was silent for many moments, staring at him as if she hadn't heard him. But she had. She was just a tiny bit frustrated and angry with him for changing the subject so abruptly. She hoped that it was only because he was upset and didn't want to talk anymore and not that he didn't really care. She knew it was probably silly to worry about him not caring about his own son, but the voice in her head would not let her stop thinking that way.

"I don't think I'm ready for that yet, Sam," she said many moments later. "I need a few more days to acclimate to all of this."

He shook his head lightly in understanding. "Are you gonna be fine here alone?"

"Of course," she said confidently. "I'll head over to Bobby's soon. I just need time."

"I'm gonna stay here with you tonight and then leave in the morning, if that's okay with you?"

She smiled lightly. "Of course that's fine."

With the difficult talk over, the two of them decided to watch some movies so they could spend some time together.

Jessie mostly spent the time listening to Sam talk about the past six months, since she wasn't willing to share anything about her time in hell. She noticed he seemed to gloss over some details, but she didn't call him on it. Not only did she not want to hurt him, she didn't think she really wanted to know how bad it had been for him. She had heard stories about the time his brother was in hell. She had to imagine it was much the same. She was just glad she had Dean to help him through it.

When it was time for bed, things became a little awkward for both of them. But eventually they settled in bed, with Jessie cuddled close to Sam, while he had a protective arm around her. She fell asleep quickly since she was emotionally drained. Of course her sleep was interrupted with nightmares, but she was able to fall asleep again quickly when she realized she was safe and sound with the man she loved.

It was almost mid morning by the time Sam finally left to meet up with his brother. Of course, not before a kiss goodbye and a promise to be safe, by both of them. And then Jessie headed back into her computer room to continue the search for her son.

While she searched, she kept thinking about what Sam had said. She knew her son would be safer if she wasn't in his life, but she wanted him to be in hers so desperately. She went to hell for him because she loved him that much. But she wondered if that wasn't enough. Keeping him safe should be her priority. Even if that meant she could never see him again.

It was early in the evening when she finally managed to find out where her son was. She had to fight the urge to immediately leave the house to find him. It took a lot of self control, but she decided to sleep on it. She thought a good night's sleep would help with her decision making. Besides, she'd already waited this long, a few more hours wouldn't make much of a difference.

After a night of restless sleep and nightmares, Jessie woke up early in the morning, showered, had a light breakfast then headed out on the road in search of her son. He was in a decently sized town a couple of hours away, so it gave her a lot of time to think. And since she was actually excited to be able to drive her car again, she decided to behave and drive the speed limit. She was in a hurry, but at the same time she wasn't.

When she arrived in the neighbourhood where her son lived, she drove around to check things out, driving by the house he lived in before deciding where to park. She had seen a couple of house for sale signs in the area, which made it easy for her to come up with a cover story.

She was half a block away from the house her son lived in, when she noticed movement. She headed in that direction, although she began to feel incredibly nervous. It was unlike her to feel like this and she hated it, but she could only hope the experience of her years of deception would take over when she needed them to.

As she approached the house, the woman who was now little Bobby's mother was heading down the sidewalk in her direction pushing a stroller. She started to shake internally, but she was able to keep herself calm.

"Hello," Jessie greeted the woman with a smile as soon as she was close enough to start a conversation.

The woman greeted her back with a smile.

"I've just been looking at the houses for sale in the area and wanted to check out the neighbourhood," she said as convincingly as possible.

"This neighbourhood is great," the woman said proudly. "It's quiet, clean and everyone is so friendly."

"That sounds perfect," she said, swallowing hard once as it was time for the difficult part of her ruse. "You see I'm expecting and my husband and I wanted to find a nice place to settle down before the baby comes."

"This is a wonderful place for children," she said gesturing to the stroller. "My husband and I recently had one of our own."

Jessie winced slightly at the woman's words, but kept calm.

"May I see?"

Once the woman shook her head in agreement, she lifted the blanket that was hanging over the opening to the stroller. She smiled brightly as she saw the chubby face of her son smilng back at her and making cooing sounds. She was happy to see he was dressed warmly and was obviously being well taken care of.

"He's beautiful," Jessie said, but felt her stomach lurch slightly.

"Thank you," the woman said brightly. "He's been such a good baby."

Jessie smiled, as much as it pained her to and began to walk with the woman, letting her talk about the baby. She decided to walk the entire way with the woman until they returned to her house where they went their separate ways. She managed to make it back to her car before she broke down in tears.

Jessie cried heavily for a couple of minutes before it became quiet sobbing. She was happy that her son seemed to be with a good family, but it broke her heart being so close to him yet not being able to hold him. She wanted to curl up into a ball and stay there, but she wasn't about to let her sadness incapacitate her. She had spent too much time in hell in that exact way and she wasn't about to let hell win.

As she drove back home, she made her mind up that her son was completely safe and it would be much better to leave him where he was, until she knew he would be safe with her. She had also decided she was not going to tell anyone that she knew exactly where he was or that she had seen him. It would be painful, but for his safety she would keep that secret to herself. It would be much better for everyone that way.

When she arrived home, she felt an emptiness she hadn't felt before. She knew it was because she had returned without her son. All the dreams she'd had of her house filled with joy and laughter seemed an impossibility, even if she had pretended with Sam that one day it would be possible. She knew that hill was gonna be difficult to climb, to say the least. And she continuously wondered if she would live long enough to see that reality.

It was early in the evening when she finally managed to make herself something to eat. She didn't really feel like eating, especially after she'd spent most of the day crying, but her body said otherwise. It was easy to forget something as simple as eating when you'd spent sixty years never needing to.

She was chewing her last mouthfuls of food when the sound of enormous wings flapping nearly made her choke on her food.

"Castiel!" she said in surprise.

"I'm sorry I haven't been by to see you since you came back," he said with a shrug. "I've been incredibly busy."

"I didn't know there was something we needed to discuss," she said with a shrug in return.

He was quiet for a few moments, staring at her pensively. "You do remember our deal, do you not?"

She stood up from the table, giving him a serious look. "Of course I remember, how could I not? I wouldn't be here otherwise."

"Have you told the Winchesters?"

She sighed loudly. "Didn't I just say I remember our deal? Of course I haven't told them."

"What about, Crowley?"

"What?" she said with surprise. "What about him?"

The angel narrowed his eyes with scrutiny. "Does he know how you escaped from hell?"

"Why would you ask me that, Cas?"

"Are you telling me he hasn't been by to visit you yet?" he asked curiously, ignoring the fact she answered his question with a question.

She wasn't sure if he knew she had spoken to him or he was just guessing. But she found no reason to lie to him. She knew he wasn't going to tell the Winchesters and that's all she was worried about.

"He has no idea how I got out of hell and I definitely didn't tell him," she said with a bit of annoyance in her voice. "Why would I?"

He narrowed his eyes slightly. "You were in cahoots with Crowley for so long I just figured it might have become habit."

She balled her hands into fists and glared at him angrily. "Why would you think after all the time he tortured me that I would help him in any way? Besides that, why would you help me out of hell if you thought I wouldn't do as you asked?"

"You know I had little choice," he replied evenly. "You're the only one who could do what is needed."

"Oh, I see how it is," she said as she relaxed her hands beside her. "You don't give two shits about me, it's only about what I could do to help you."

"Jessie..." he began, but was interrupted.

"Save it, Cas!" she said loudly. "I am just a means to an end for you, aren't I? All that crap about giving a shit about me because the Winchesters do was just a bunch of bullshit."

He was silent for many moments, pondering what he was going to say.

"I'm sorry if I upset you, Jessie. That was never my intention."

"You don't even understand, do you?" she asked rhetorically. "Besides feeling like I'm a disposable plaything, this thing you've asked me to do is just too much to ask of me. You do know this, right? And when the Winchesters find out, they're gonna be pissed. Especially Sam." She began pacing back and forth slightly. "And guess who's gonna have to deal with that? It isn't gonna be you. It's gonna be me. I almost lost them with the demon blood thing, this, this might just be the straw that breaks the camels back."

He stared at her silently for many moments, his brow furrowing.

"When this is all over, they will understand."

She pursed her lips, fighting the urge to yell at him. But she knew he didn't understand. She knew he thought way too simplistically for that. He could never understand. Even if this plan worked and they managed to destroy both Crowley and Meg and got her son back, the deception would still be remembered by the Winchesters. It was almost bad enough she couldn't tell them who helped her out of hell, this thing she had to do, they were most certainly going to be upset at the very least. If she hadn't thought it would get her her son back, she never would've gone along with it. She would've stayed in hell. She had already done so much lying to the Winchesters in the past, and this went beyond just a little lie.

"They won't understand, but I guess that's not your concern," she replied calmly. "I don't know what else there is I can say. I haven't told them anything and I haven't told Crowley anything. And I have no intention on telling them anything. Especially Crowley. There isn't much else I can tell you."

He was quiet once again for many moments before speaking.

"Take care of yourself, Jessie," he said with a nod. "Mentally and physically."

She opened her mouth to respond, but he disappeared instantly, the sound of flapping wings the only thing announcing his departure. She sighed loudly in frustration, sitting back down at the kitchen table with her head in her hands. She wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. She was already mentally exhausted form the visit with her son.

She held her head in her hands for a long time, just trying to shut everything out of her mind. She had no idea how long she stayed like that, but when she went to reach for her phone, because she has just received a text, she was stiff.

After she had her phone in her hand, she stood up and stretched to help relieve the stiffness, then headed upstairs to get ready for bed. It was only early evening, but she'd had a very emotionally exhausting day and she was ready for sleep.

Once she was comfy in pajamas and had crawled into her bed, she answered her texts, which were from Sam checking up on her. She used to find it annoying when he did that in the past because it seemed like he didn't trust her or worried that she couldn't take care of herself, but since coming back from the dead, she'd had a change in attitude. It meant the world to her that he was worried. And she definitely didn't blame him. She knew he hadn't wanted to leave her alone after everything she'd gone through. But even with memories of hell constantly plaguing her thoughts, she knew she could, mostly, take care of herself. She didn't think he needed to worry so much.

Once she had finished her conversation with Sam, she cuddled up under her blankets, closed her eyes and did her best to shut out everything. But she didn't have to worry too much, she was so emotionally drained, sleep came easily. And although her sleep was interrupted by nightmares, she slept through the entire night, not waking until late in the morning.