Chapter 11:
Levi had stayed up the entire night. He couldn't close his eyes without seeing the grotesque images of his squad's corpses. Every memory seemed to haunt his thoughts.
Once the sun had come out, Isabel had finally woken up. She quietly entered his office, crawling into his lap. She still held a blanket and her horse stuffed animal. Levi held her close.
"Good morning." Levi mustered.
Isabel nodded in return, still trying to rub the sleep from her eyes.
Thankfully, she didn't seem to have a nightmare tonight. He could hopefully have a day to mourn; Erwin gave him that at least. His mind filled with regrets. If only he could have been there. If only he were faster. If only he told Jaeger to turn into a titan. Maybe things would have turned out different. Maybe he could have heard the sounds of his squad laughing in the hallway one more time. He wished he could hear Gunther crack one more joke. He would give anything to hear one more stupid comment from Oluo. He would go through hell and back just to see Petra smile. He would do anything just to see his squad eating a meal together, Eld practically glowing whenever he talked about his fiancee. Now...he would never see them again. Not as they were at least. His nightmares would plague him, making sleep impossible.
Levi hugged Isabel tighter. He had her at least. He didn't lose her.
"Papa?" Isabel murmured.
"Yes?" Levi answered.
"Don't feel good." She said.
Levi had to fight the urge to back away, afraid that she might get sick on his uniform. "What do you mean?"
"Don't feel." She said.
Levi's breath hitched. "Do you...do you feel anything?"
Isabel shook her head.
"You feel numb?" Levi asked.
Isabel nodded.
Levi sighed and started stroking her auburn locks. This poor girl had been through enough. Once again, the people she loved died. She felt alone. Her emotions may have been too severe for her three-year-old mind to handle. Her body must have decided to push away all other emotions. She needed to feel nothing.
"Isabel, I know it hurts, but you need to try and feel. You're allowed to feel sad." Levi said.
"Don't want to," Isabel replied.
"I know, sweetie. But...I don't want you to turn out like me. I get numb too." Levi admitted. He had gotten to the point where he would shut off his emotions, trying to ignore the pain that rose within him every waking moment. The only scary part: he had a hard time turning them back on.
"Don't wanna feel sad," Isabel said, a tear streaking down her face.
"I know. I know." Levi said, holding back his own tears. He had cried enough during the night. He had to be strong for his little girl.
Isabel sniffled, trying to ignore the sadness rising within her.
"How about we go and talk to Aunt Hange. She might be able to help you." Levi said, picking the girl up.
He got her ready for the day and left to find Hange. They had talked about therapy for Isabel, sure, but he didn't know if this was the right time. All he knew is that he couldn't do this alone. He needed his friends. The only ones he had left.
They found her in her office, and she immediately brightened when Isabel walked into the room.
"Well hello, Isabel. How are you?" Hange asked.
"Don't feel," Isabel replied.
"What?" Hange furrowed her eyebrows, looking to Levi for translation.
"She feels numb. She's mourning." Levi stated.
Hange's face softened. "Oh." She whispered.
"I was wondering...could you try and give her a therapy session? I know it's short notice, but…"
"Of course, Levi. I'll do anything to help." Hange said, picking up the girl and holding her close. "Do you want to talk with Auntie Hange for a while?" She asked Isabel.
Isabel nodded, snuggling closer to the woman.
"I'll wait outside," Levi said, promptly leaving the room. He hoped Hange would be able to help.
…
After a while, Hange finally opened the door, allowing Levi to enter once again. Isabel sat at Hange's desk, coloring yet another picture.
"Did you find anything out?" Levi whispered.
"She has seen and lost too much for someone her age. Her mind can't comprehend it all. She just needs someone to be there." Hange replied.
"I've been trying, but it's hard to always know what's on her mind," Levi said.
"She opened up a lot once I let her color. I don't know why, but it helped her. It's therapeutic for some people."
Levi nodded.
"Also...she mentioned an aunt."
Levi froze. He had forgotten to tell anyone about that. "Yeah. Lila, right?"
"Yes. We need to look into it. For all we know, she could still be alive. We should check with the officials who handled the death count in Trost. Maybe they would know something." Hange said.
"Right. Just...not right now. Please." Levi said, almost pleading. His mind couldn't take it right now.
"Of course. Take as much time as you'd like. I understand, Levi." Hange said, giving him a slight pat on the shoulder. "Would you like me to keep Isabel here for a while? It might be easier to be alone."
"I-" Levi started, not knowing how to respond. He was supposed to be strong. No one could see through his disguise. But...he needed time alone. Time to just be weak.
"Sure." He finally said. "Thanks."
"Of course." Hange smiled before turning to Isabel. "You get to spend some time with Auntie Hange! Papa has some work to do."
"Okay." Isabel smiled. "Bye-bye, Papa!"
Levi gave a small wave and exited the office, ready to curl up with a cup of tea, and let himself be vulnerable.
…
After brewing a cup of delicious black tea, Levi settled down in his favorite chair. He sipped the hot beverage, feeling some level of comfort from it. Before he knew it, teardrops started to fill the cup, and Levi broke out into racking sobs.
He hadn't allowed himself to cry like this in a while. There was always a risk of someone hearing him. So he always kept it to silent tears, trying to release a little pain. But now, with no one around, he screamed and wept, not afraid to show emotion. Isabel was with Hange. Jaeger was with his friends. He was completely alone.
His heart ached. His lungs burned. His eyes stung with how many tears fell. He shook with every exhale.
He lost his entire squad; those who he would even call friends. They had been there to help him in the worst of times. They supported him through the hell that they lived in. They found ways to make him feel an ounce of happiness, even though it was hard for him to show it. Now...they were all gone. Petra couldn't even have a proper burial. She was tossed away like some ragdoll, given up to those man-eating monsters.
He didn't know how long he cried for. All he knew is that his throat was raw from screaming and he had no more tears left in him to cry. If he was not in his current state, he may have laughed at himself. Humanity's Strongest, crying like a madman. No one would believe it with the facade he put up.
All of the sudden, he heard his door open. He let out a curse, quickly wiping away the remainder of the tears on his face.
In walked Isabel, and Levi softened just a little.
"Auntie Hange brought me. She has work." Isabel explained.
"Oh." Levi breathed. "Okay."
"You sad?" Isabel asked.
Levi couldn't even manage to hide it. Anyone in their right mind would have seen it. Even three-year-old girls.
"Yes," Levi admitted.
That was all Isabel needed to hear. She quickly left the room before coming back with one of her blankets. She wrapped it around his shoulders and then snuggled close to him, giving the best hug she could.
Levi's lip quivered as he looked down at the little girl.
"It's okay, Papa. You can be sad." Isabel said.
That was enough to send him over the edge yet again. Levi broke into tears, hugging Isabel close. He kissed the top of her head as a thank you.
"How do you know so much?" Levi asked.
"Auntie Hange said," Isabel explained.
Levi smirked. Hange may be crazy, but at least she knows how to give therapy.
"You can be sad too, you know," Levi said.
"Yep. But you're sadder." Isabel smiled up at him before giving him another big hug. Levi never felt more loved.
Thus, Levi Ackerman, the strongest soldier humanity has ever seen, allowed himself to cry in front of a three-year-old girl, who might have been one of the few who knew how bad he truly felt.