Back and forth. Back and forth. From one end of the room to the other. From the one with the pictures on it to the window. The constant movement had made Teddy doze off in her arms. She pressed a kiss to his hair, which was changing from its bright green to his natural colour- Remus' sandy brown. That's what happened when he was falling asleep, his entire body was more focused on getting rest rather than his emotions. It was kind of weird to see, like the colour was draining out of him.

Especially when you were looking at him via his reflection it the window. It was almost like he was a ghost child. She snorted Almost hysterically at that, her nerves all but frayed. A ghost child.

"Mummy's being silly," she said to him with a smile.

Teddy didn't respond, of course he didn't respond. He wasn't even a month old yet. All he cared about was eating and pooping and sleeping. Throw in some screaming there for good measure. Well, he kind of babbled and gurgled as well, which were the best sounds in the world to her.

Currently he wasn't doing any of those things, he was just looking around him with those big eyes of his - trying to take everything in. Well, there went the nap she was trying to make him have. Whoops.

"I bet you think I'm being silly."

More slow blinks.

"Yeah, I thought so. The thing is, I know I'm silly."

She pulled a face at him just to prove that point. Teddy reminded unimpressed.

Sighing, Tonks tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and looked wistfully out of the window again.

She kept on expecting Remus to come back at any minute. Looking all tired and worn down and maybe even a bit bloody or dirty. But returning.

Yes, it was ridiculous. Tonks knew that. She did. Well, her brain did. Her heart thought differently.

Putting her head in her hands, Tonks tried not to groan. The sound would echo, if she did. You see, she was in the bathroom. She had kind of locked herself in. It was the only place that she could gather her thoughts and at least try to think.

There was something calming about all the porcelain and the smell of soap. Tonks didn't know what it was, all she knew that she was taking deep breaths and her thoughts weren't all over the place anymore.

Not that that meant she was thinking of anything in particular. Her mind was blank. Which should have been a relief from the racing thoughts she'd been having but it wasn't. It was eerie. It was off-putting. She should be thinking something, shouldn't she? Remus, her husband had just gone off to bloody war and she couldn't think of anything? That wasn't right. Nothing was right.

She should be feeling something. Anything. But she also didn't want to feel. Feeling things, feeling her locked away feelings, would not be could. She wouldn't be able to control herself if she let herself feel. So, she couldn't feel. Which left that numb feeling. In her heart and in her head.

Huh, there were toothpaste stains in the sink. Yuck. How had they all missed that?

No. No distractions. She was supposed to be thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.

Except, no thoughts were coming. And you kind of needed thoughts if you were trying to come to a decision.

Was the light always so bright in here? It was almost blinding. Maybe they should get a different bulb or something

No. Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

Tonks knew that she had to force herself to think. To think about two things, she really didn't want to think about. Who would like to think about them? Choose one over the other? She knew she was going to feel horrible either way.

But which one was the best decision? Or the one that was going to make her feel the least bad, if that made any sense.

Nothing was making sense.

Right. This was it. She had come to a decision. She'd made up her mind. Yes, while sitting on the damn toilet, in the dark (she'd had to turn that light off, it was too bright and distracting and the darkness suited her mood), Tonks had actually come to a decision.

Now she actually had to go through with it.

Taking a deep, bracing breath, she mustered up all her courage and tried to walk confidently down the stairs. Which was hard to do when you slipped on one of the steps.

Andromeda came out to see if she as okay, Teddy in her arms. He was looking very peaceful. A pang went through her.

Whatever Andromeda was about to ask her died on her lips as she looked at her.

"You're going."

Such a simple statement from her mother but it was such a heavy one as well.

Tonks stopped the lacing of her boots and looked up. "I am."

"I thought so."

She didn't know what to say to that so she didn't say anything.

"What about Teddy?" Andromeda pointedly shifted him in her arms.

He was sleeping. Peacefully. A lump got stuck in her throat. Her precious baby. He was so tiny. So little. So, innocent. She reached out her hand to touch him but pulled it back at the last second. No, she couldn't do that.

"I need to do this," she said instead, taking a small step back as if she was trying to put both physical and emotion distance between them.

She had been trying to sound firm but all it did was come put like she was trying to persuade herself.

And she wasn't trying to persuade herself. She wanted to go. She wanted to fight. She was fully capable. It was the right thing to do. She needed to do this no matter what her stupid voice did.

Andromeda took a deep breath.

"I know."

"You know?"

That wasn't what Tonks had been expecting. Andromeda smiled sadly.

"You're fair and just and loyal, Dora. Of course, you're going to go."

A lump in her throat, Tonks hugged her mother tightly. Tighter than she ever had before. Clung to her like she was a little girl all over again. She just needs to soak her all in. Remember what she felt like. Just... just in case. Andromeda seemed to be thinking the same because she was hugging her just as hard. It made Tonks suddenly feel very young.

"I love you," she whispered, willing her voice not to break.

She couldn't break down. Not now. Not when her mind was made up.

"Come back," Andromeda urged.

Tonks really did lose control at that and finally let the tears slip down her cheeks.

"You know I can't promise that," she said quietly.

Because she couldn't. She could feel it inside her that this was going to be big. Extremely big. And you couldn't promise that you'd come back from something like that. Not with the sense of foreboding she had rising up in her.

"No," Andromeda agreed quietly, a faraway look in her eyes. "You can't."

"I'll try, though."

She didn't want to die, after all. She wanted to fight. She wanted to fight and survive. People did that, didn't they?

Andromeda just nodded at her, words apparently failing her as well. Tonks swallowed back a lump in her throat. No crying, there would be no crying. Not now. Not ever.

Silence stretched between them, Tonks was trying to drink everything in about her mother and Teddy. What else was she supposed to say? To do.

"Well," she said hoarsely, playing either her wand. "I better be going."

"Yes."

Not even looking back, Tonks disapparated.