Chapter 2

Tess was right.

He hated the wake just as much as the funeral. More so in fact.

At least the funeral had been mostly silent, but this? It was endless- person after person just kept coming up to him and by the fourth he was ready to blow. But he didn't. Partly because he kept thinking of his mom and the fact that she'd loved all the people who were here, well loved most of them and tolerated the rest, but mostly because of Tess. She spent the entire night by his side, minus the five minutes he'd taken to give himself a quick breather, but after he'd realized that his aunt had had Will lured away so she could corner her, literally, he hadn't let her out of his sight again. Not that she needed it. Canaryville wasn't known for being kind to outsiders, in fact it was known for outright disliking them but Tess could make even the grumpiest old men smile, and once the old ladies found out her family was from Beverly, another of Chicago's prominent Irish neighbourhoods they were practically doting on her.

It was amusing to watch, not only because it took the attention off him but because she handled it so well. When they had a minute alone she explained that it had been part of her training and he'd responded that he didn't know how the Farm worked but hoped that she'd gotten an A in that class.

He also found out that her cover was as a civilian contractor for the military, something he wished he'd thought to ask before he'd stood dumbfounded when his brother had but once again she handled it seamlessly. The three spent most of the night together, Tess taking her role as buffer seriously; she carried every conversation, steering them in the right direction when someone started getting too personal or ending them completely when she noticed either he or his brother getting upset. But more than anything she made them laugh. She told jokes, usually bad ones, and read the other guests' behaviours, guessing what they were thinking or talking about, and despite having never met any of them she was surprisingly accurate. At one point Will made some comment about how she was the only female who stayed outside so she'd taken a lap around the yard to demonstrate how easily her heels sank into the dirt, he was sure exaggerating her stumbles, but when she'd come back their way and listed to the side once more he'd caught her, and then kept her against him when she tried to step back. Jay could tell she was nervous about how it looked, that she was a 'distraction' as she said, but when he told her that he didn't care and Will told her that if it wasn't her people gossiped over it would be someone else she slowly relaxed and soon her fingers were brushing against his side just like his trailed down her arm, the action seeming to comfort her just as much as it did him.

He didn't understand where it came from, this connection between them, but he wasn't going to take it for granted.

Before he knew it Carol was shooing her from the kitchen where she'd insisted on helping with the cleanup and he was walking her out, taking deep breaths to try and let the cool air soothe his quickly rising anxiety. It didn't work. His mom had loved this porch. Loved to put flower pots on the railings and hang them from the ceiling, to settle in the chair in the corner when it was a nice day and chat with the neighbours.

Were they going to keep it? A permanent reminder of what they'd lost?

"You know I'm home for at least the next week if you want to do something?"

He blinked and realized Tess was speaking, gently squeezing his arm and right away he felt better, then worse as her words sunk in. He didn't want her to go.

"Maybe tomorrow?"

"Morning?"

"9am?"

The relief that washed over him actually made Jay tremble. "Thank you."

He was confused when her face twisted but then she yanked him into her, her arms wrapping around his neck and then he was holding her just as tightly, burrowing his face in her hair as he breathed her in. After a long moment she leant back and he swore he could've drowned in the blue in her eyes. "You can do this. You just have to keep fighting."

Don't stop fighting now.

The silent words echoed between them and he released a heavy breath, nodding as he pulled her back in and rested his head against hers. They stayed that way for a few more minutes until finally they pulled away together, her thumbs brushing against the corners of his eyes before she stepped back. The distance made his insides twist.

"Do you want me to walk you to your car?"

She smiled but shook her head, though her eyes ran over him almost nervously. "I'm just up the block. You should be with your family. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow."

Tess gave a nod, her brows furrowing before she nodded again and then she turned, her steps just a little too even as she walked away. He let himself watch until she was a few houses down, until she looked back and saw him still standing there and then made himself wave before he went back inside.

Joe was in the entryway as he came in, halfway through sliding his jacket on. "Your dads gone up and Carol's near done cleaning so I'm going to head out but I'll be by soon to check on you guys."

"Thanks Joe- we appreciate you being here."

He just shrugged, clapping him on the shoulder before he turned to go; Jay was convinced half the reason he and his dad were friends was because they were both men of few words. The two could sit in silence for hours, especially if they had TV or beer.

"By the way-" He looked back as Joe paused, one foot out the door with his lips pulled up in a smirk. "Pretty girl you got there."

Jay rolled his eyes and waved him off as the man let out a laugh and shut the door behind him, trying to ignore the heat that rose in his cheeks when he saw Will leaning against the wall to the living room. "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything." His brother said with a small laugh, raising his hands as he brushed past him and into the kitchen.

"That Theresa seems nice."

He groaned as Carol cast him a sly smile from her spot in front of the fridge, putting away the last of the casseroles that had been dropped off. Judging by the size of the pile they'd be eating nothing but for months.

"What? I'm just saying she's nice. Pretty too. And she's Irish- what more are you looking for?"

"Aunt Carol-" He didn't know how to respond and found himself shooting a pleading look at his brother, who thankfully took pity on him.

"You know Aunt Carol I don't think all of this is going to fit- why don't you take some with you? We can carry it out to your car."

"Tch, you're just trying to kick me out. But I happen to like casserole so I'll allow it."

And just like that she was loading them up, shouting up the stairs that she'd be back tomorrow and blatantly ignoring the muttered, but intentionally loud enough response from their dad that she please not. He and Will exchanged a look at their antics and for a moment it felt like nothing had changed, but then they looked to the living room expecting to hear their moms answering laughter and when it didn't come their smiles dropped.

Tess had said it would get easier, and he believed her, but when?

And how much was it going to hurt before it did?

They walked Carol to her car and endured another five minutes of her trying to get information on Tess, while also wheedling Will to find out if he had his own special someone, then finally sent her off and headed back inside. Into the eerie silence that now filled the house.

"I'm going to bed." Jay said lowly, already making his way to the stairs as his brother muttered his agreement.

But yet when he walked into his room his brother didn't continue down the hall to his, instead leaned against his door and stared while he took off his jacket, throwing it in the general direction of his laundry basket before he took a seat on the foot of his bed. God he was tired. But Will was still staring.

"You just going to stand there or are you going to say something?"

His brother's brows furrowed and his mouth opened but nothing came out and then his eyes, their mother's eyes, softened. "They were right you know. She is pretty."

"Would you shut up already?" Jay shook his head as he started to take off his tie but there was no punch behind his words and Will's mouth pulled up in a smile.

"Hey, she must be pretty special if you gave her Pops necklace."

The slightest rustle from his closet half caught his attention but he rolled his eyes and tossed the itchy piece of fabric at him, rolling his eyes as Will caught it one handed. "It was my necklace, I can give it to whoever I want."

"I'm not saying you can't, I'm just saying it makes her special. You give it to her after you swept her off her feet?"

"It wasn't like that. It's not- we were in a war zone. It wasn't like that."

"But you want it to be."

Yes. Desperately. Seeing her today only made him realize how much.

It was one thing to dream about her when he was on the base, sitting behind his computer or laying in his cot, or on his hill which seemed so much lonelier without her- it was one thing to think about Tess there because she was just a fantasy. But seeing her in person reminded him that she wasn't, she was real, and so much better than anything he'd imagined. Even if he had imagined... a lot. Sometimes. War could get lonely.

But he didn't say any of that.

"Are you done giving me the third degree? I want to go to bed."

"I'm sure you do." Jay's pillow was in his hand in a second and hitting his brother's face the next but Will just laughed and tossed it back. "Alright, alright, I'm leaving. You mind if I borrow a sweatshirt first? I forgot how cold it gets in that room; we need to re-caulk that window."

"Everything could do with a re-caulking." He muttered as he waved his hand towards his closet, this time positive he heard something but when Will opened the door it was empty; he must be more tired than he'd thought.

He rifled around for a second before choosing something then headed for the door, pausing once more in the threshold. "You know I don't have to go back for a few more days, so, if you need anything... I'm here."

And just like that his irritation was gone. He dipped his chin, hoping Will would be able to see how much he appreciated the offer. "Thanks man. You know if..."

"Yeah, I know."

They shared a small smile, still a little awkward but more like the brothers they used to be instead of the strangers they'd become and then he slipped out, quietly shutting the door behind him.

For a moment everything was silent, such a heavy stillness that Jay let himself sigh just to hear something, regretting it immediately when the sound only made him feel more alone but then there was another rustle from his closet and this time he was positive he wasn't imagining it. He was just about to get up to check it out, if a mouse had gotten in again he swore he was going to lose it but suddenly the handle began to turn and all he could do was stare in shock as Tess stepped out. Her eyes flicked to his door and then back to him, an almost equally surprised look on her face.

"I have no idea how he didn't see me."

He didn't respond, he couldn't, just watched as she flushed and shifted on her feet, realizing as she did that she was barefoot, her toes painted a light yet vibrant shade of blue.

"I promised I would sleep in your bed."

He looked back up and slowly took her in, her dark sapphire eyes and pink cheeks, her hair and dress mused from however she'd been hiding, and once again their past replayed in his mind.

I'm going to need you to sleep in my bed at some point.

I promise.

Jay was up before he knew it but this time she was faster. He stumbled back as she barrelled into him, her arms sliding around his back as his wrapped around her shoulders and though his throat was too thick for him to thank her he knew she understood. She always did. So he just pressed a kiss to her hair and squeezed, holding her as close as he could get her. He didn't know how long they stood there, time didn't mean anything when he was with her but the unmistakable sound of his dad's squeaky door had him quickly rushing over to flick the lock on his.

Thank God their mom had insisted on getting them, albeit after she'd walked in one too many times to find him and his brother in... compromising situations. It was after one such time that she'd declared, loudly, that she had to clean it in the laundry she didn't need to see it in the act too, and they'd been so embarrassed that his dad had gone out and put the locks on the very same day. For the first time in weeks thinking of her brought not just pain but a little bit of happiness and he turned back to Tess excited to tell her only to find her staring at him in shock and cringed.

"Sorry, I just-"

"It's okay, I get it."

As she smiled nervously he looked her over again, still amazed to see her, to see her here of all places, then looked back to the closet and over to the window, which he hadn't noticed was indeed ajar. "How did you manage that? I always had to help Ali up."

She just raised a brow and he found himself wincing again. Right. Elite operative.

"I will admit that I have no idea how Will didn't see me."

"What did you do?" He asked with a smile, taking a seat on his bed and motioning for her to join.

"Ducked down and flipped the top of your gym bag over me."

A laugh burst out that he quickly smothered, as did she, but then he realized he couldn't remember the last time he'd washed that bag. Or the clothes in it.

"Oh yeah it was gross. But don't worry, I've smelt worse." She said with a teasing smile, tucking one leg beneath her as she sat next to him and as she did he caught himself staring at her nail polish again. It made him think of the water in the Caribbean. Not that he'd ever been but he'd seen pictures, and the bright teal colour reminded him of those clear waters.

"So have I. On you." She made an offended noise that had him smothering another laugh before he poked the top of her foot. "And your shoes?"

Her cheeks went bright pink. "Hidden in a bush in your backyard."

As much as he wanted to laugh at the image that conjured in his mind Jay was touched more than anything. She'd come back for him.

Again.

He took her hand and brushed his thumb across the back, unable to help tracking the way her blush began to grow. He'd never liked pink more. "Thank you. Thank you." He repeated when she shook her head but she just did it again, cupping his hand in hers.

"To whatever end."

Her voice was soft and just a touch breathless but the promise was solid, so much so that Jay tugged her closer, lifting a hand to her hair and twining a strand between his fingers before he let it drop against the fabric of her dress. "You want to borrow something too?"

He watched her swallow and nod and felt her eyes tracking him as he moved to his dresser, pulling out two pairs of sweatpants and two t-shirts and passing one of each over to her.

"No peeking." He told her sternly.

She rolled her eyes as she took them but smiled and then they turned their backs, his heart suddenly racing in his chest. What had been a fantasy for the last seven months was now here, with none of the boundaries the base had provided, and as he started to change he had to focus on keeping his breaths light and even but then,

"Could you-"

He looked over his shoulder to see Tess looking at him over hers, still wearing her dress, the zipper barely an inch down.

"I think it's stuck."

God help him. "Yeah, I got it."

He moved to stand behind her, his heart picking up as he silently prayed that his fingers stayed steady. It took a minute of wiggling before the zipper began to move and then he slowly slid it down, his mouth getting drier with every inch; Jay knew he shouldn't look, and definitely shouldn't have slid it all the way to the bottom but he couldn't himself. And as he stared at her back, the slightly tanned skin he knew if he allowed his knuckles to brush against would be as soft as silk he realized seeing her like this was more intimate than when he'd found her nearly naked in the desert.

"Is it okay?"

Her breathy voice pulled him out of his head and he took a step back, shaking his head to try and clear it. "Yeah, you're good to go."

He made himself turn and grab the shirt from his bed, hurriedly slipping it on as he tried not to listen for the sounds of her changing behind him. Only once he'd traded his slacks for his sweats and folded them in a pile on his dresser did he turn back around but it was just as hard to swallow when he saw she was finished as well, her hair now unbound and falling in loose waves over her shoulders, the jet-black stark against his white shirt. It brought out her eyes too, the sapphire bright as she stared back at him, her own throat bobbing.

Was it normal to feel this way?

He'd loved Ali, in a youthful kind of way, but he'd never felt this strongly for her. He'd never felt about any woman the way he felt about Tess and this was only the third time they'd been together. Speaking of her she was shifting on her feet again, that bright blue now hidden by his sweats and he realized that his staring was making her nervous.

Damnit.

"Uh, after you."

He was calling himself an idiot even as he waved his hand towards the bed, waiting until she started to climb in before he flicked off the light. The room wasn't cast in total darkness, he liked to sleep with the curtains open, not so much for the light but for the ability to see outside, to see stars, but the night was cloudy enough that he could only make out the shape of his bed and her inside it; she was on her side facing him, arms tucked into her chest, and he couldn't help but notice how small she seemed next to him. Jay didn't know what to do with himself as he lay down beside her, one arm also close to his chest while the other rested awkwardly on his hip, and though he was aching to slide it over hers he respected her too much to make assumptions about what she wanted. Especially when it came to this. He didn't ever want to give her a reason to be afraid of him, not when she'd already been forced to feel that kind of fear, but then she let out a sigh and nestled closer and all those reservations flew out the window. One arm automatically slipped under her head until she rested against his bicep while the other slid up her back, pulling her as close as he could get her while her feet twined with his. They were still cold, and he had an inkling they were always going to be, but the feeling was so welcome he didn't care. Instantly his eyes fluttered closed, all the troubles of the day soothed away by the sweet scent of vanilla.

When was the last time he had felt this safe? This loved?

Eighteen months ago.

When his mom had pulled him in for one last tight hug before he got on the plane, holding him for so long he'd gotten embarrassed and shrugged away. The memory, the loss and the guilt hit him like a freight train and he gripped Tess tighter, unconsciously moving his head atop hers so she wouldn't see the tears that started streaming down his cheeks.

Mom.

He would never get to be held by her again. Never be scolded and smacked upside his head, never be teased until his face went red or forced to watch those awful soaps, the ones he secretly got far too invested in. Had he told her that? Had he told her what all those afternoons meant to him, a lifetime of sitting pressed against her on the couch as they watched the world turn, the most treasured hour of his day.

It took him a minute before he realized Tess was wriggling in his arms, up through his arms, her own cradling him as she gently guided him with her as she rolled onto her back. He tried to choke his grief down, vulnerability was not his strong suit, but then she started whispering in his ear, telling him it was alright, that he was allowed to grieve, that she was here, and the hold he'd been keeping on himself snapped. Jay didn't know how hard he cried, if he howled the way he did in his head, if she could feel the pieces of him that were breaking but he didn't care- all he cared about was the wide, gaping hole in his chest and the fingers that ran softly through his hair.