Chapter 5

Jay had been right.

He was not enjoying dinner.

Don't get him wrong the meal itself was going fine, that is if he ignored Carol's teasing glances and Will's ever-present smirk, and of course the glaring absence of the woman who should have been sitting across from his father, though to be honest he was more focused on the woman beside him. Tess was handling herself amazingly, as he was learning was pretty normal for her, but he still didn't like it. Didn't like seeing a side of her that could act so perfectly fine when he knew she wasn't. The look on her face when Will had walked in on them was still etched in his mind, as was the way she'd flinched away from him.

She'd been afraid of him and no wonder- he hadn't even asked to kiss her, had just grabbed her like some sex-fuelled Neanderthal, without any thought to what she wanted, if she even liked it-

Okay, that wasn't fair.

She had liked it. Had liked him kissing her and touching her- that kind of reaction couldn't be faked. And she had given him permission to take her shirt off. He never would have otherwise. But that look... just because she'd liked it, because she'd wanted it in the moment didn't mean she was ready for it. He knew what she'd been through with Selim and his men, still woke at night hearing her scream and just because none of them had actually touched her didn't mean they hadn't terrified her with the threat of it. And that was just the operation he knew of. Who knew what else she'd experienced.

War was not kind to women, civilian or soldier, never mind all the other shit they had to deal with in their everyday lives. The thought that he could have added to that in any way made him sick.

He'd tried to talk to her about it. Had waited outside the bathroom until she came out, which by the looks of it she'd been expecting but before he could stop her from dodging him, which it also looked like she'd intended on doing again Carol had called them down. So now here he was, doing his best to make small talk when all he wanted was to drag her into her car and drive as far away as possible.

"She sounds wonderful! I'd love to meet her."

"Aunt Carol-"

"What? Really Jay, you needn't get so possessive." His annoyance flared when Will snorted, his brother covering the sound with a cough. "All I'm saying is that her aunt sounds like a very nice woman-is that so wrong? You know when we were your age it wasn't so easy for a woman to have her independence. Do you remember how mad Daddy got when I turned down Ian's proposal?"

Seeing the attention was now on him his dad nodded and gave a quiet grunt; Jay was sure they were the only ones who wanted this evening over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

"I thought the vein in his neck was going to pop he threw such a fit." Carol continued. "Mom too. She thought Ian was so nice, and he was- worked down at the mill until it closed and raised seven girls, God bless him. But he wasn't for me. Not enough fire."

Jesus Christ.

He nearly gagged at her sly smile, the one she purposefully shot all around the table, but unlike the rest of his family Tess didn't seem disgusted in the slightest.

"Well I for one agree with you. I think you and Lydia would get along fabulously." She told his aunt with a grin.

"Then it's settled. The three of us will have coffee together. Better yet, wine. Jay, you can be our designated driver."

He just sighed in response and gave his aunt a resigned nod, no doubt he would be roped into being the women's DD, then shot his brother a glare when Will snorted again, kicking him when he only proceeded to laugh harder, so much that he nearly choked on his food. Served him right. As everyone went back to eating he stole a glance at Tess, surprised to see she met his stare- she seemed fine, she was smiling at least, but he wanted a minute alone with her to be sure.

Not that he was going to get the chance any time soon.

"So Tess, you said you grew up in Victoria? I've heard the island is absolutely beautiful."

"It is. The whole country is, though I may be a little biased." Tess replied with another bright smile. From what she'd told him her hometown sounded stunning, with the ocean, mountains and forests how could it not, and he knew she must miss it.

"So I hear! Did you get to see much of it? I've lived my whole life here and I swear I've only been to half a dozen states."

"A fair bit. We would usually do a trip or two a year. One summer we drove across the country and stopped at every strange landmark we could find."

"Strange how?" His brother asked, his own interest piquing.

"Well there's a giant gnome on the island. A giant metal mosquito and a giant Canadian goose in Manitoba. A T-Rex in Alberta, the world's largest paperclip in Saskatchewan, a giant nickel in Ontario and another world record, the largest lobster in New Brunswick."

"Yeah. That is strange." Will said with a slow nod, the two sharing a brief smile- to be fair Jay was sure there were just as many weird landmarks in the USA, he'd just never seen them. Theirs hadn't been a family that liked to travel, not counting when they would go up to his grandpa's cabin in Wisconsin or the one summer in high school when his mom had convinced their dad to take them all to New York for a week.

She'd loved the city. All the museums and taxis and street food; she'd said it felt just like the movies.

"I think it sounds fun! I always say travel expands the mind and soothes the soul. What made you decide to stay here instead of going back?"

He pulled himself out of his head and back to his aunt, who was looking far too innocent to be genuine. A quick glance across the table showed Will and his dad saw it too, just like they all knew how little chance they had of stopping her- once she started there was little that could stand in her way. The woman was a fiery, five-foot five bulldozer.

"Just the way things played out." Tess answered with a nonchalant shrug. "After I graduated I decided to go to MIT and then an opportunity came up to work with the government here and I went for it."

She glanced at him as she took a sip of her wine, long enough for him to see that it wasn't the question that bothered her but the fact that she had to lie. That she was making him lie. Not that he cared. He lied to his family all the time, especially when it came to talking about his time in Afghanistan. There were some things that were just best left unsaid.

"Well, I'm sure I can speak for everyone here when I say we are certainly grateful for that." His aunt told her with a soft, too soft smile, just before she turned it on him.

How much longer did he have to stay here? Surely not long- their plates were already half empty.

"So you said the other night you moved here during high school?"

No.

He was not letting Carol go there, not that topic, not tonight. Not to Tess.

"Can I have some more casserole please?" Jay asked with all the civility he could muster, his eyes locked firmly on his aunt's face. But she didn't even look at him.

"Of course you can." She said perkily, still smiling at Tess as she dumped a ridiculously large helping of casserole onto his plate. "How old were you when you came over?"

"Can I have some too Aunt Carol?" Will interrupted next, in response to the pleading look he shot his way. "This one's really good, we should think about sending some thank you cards-"

But their aunt was not a woman who was easily swayed.

"That is such a sweet idea William! You should get right on that." She said as she dumped another massive helping onto his plate, adding some to their fathers before his mouth had even opened.

"I came here for grade 12. Senior year. I was seventeen." Tess finally answered with an easy smile, no doubt recognizing the rising tension and doing her best to de-escalate it.

But he didn't want that. It wasn't her job to keep them in check- his aunt was a grown woman who knew what she was asking, where it would lead, and she was doing it anyway. His frustration kept growing, so much that he actually thought he might lose it but then Tess's knee pressed against his and it was like it was halved.

How was it possible for her to calm him so easily?

"It definitely wasn't the year I had imagined but I made the best of it. And that was when I came to love Chicago and realized that I wanted to start a life here. That's not something I can ever regret."

"That's a very good way of looking at it. And a way I'm sure your parents would be proud of."

His anger spiked at the outright mention of her parents but her knee pressed harder and he took a large sip of wine to help push it back down. Maybe he should've let her get a second bottle- it probably would've made things go a lot smoother.

For the first time his aunt looked worried, as if she finally realized she was crossing a line, not just for their guest but for the rest of them who were still bogged down in grief. But of course that wasn't enough to stop her, just to soften her. A little.

"Do you mind if I ask what happened to them? I don't mean to pry, really-"

Tess caught his eye and he was surprised by how long she held it. By the depth of emotion she could convey with a single look. "Not at all. I think talking about people is one of the best ways to remember them."

They hadn't talked about his mom, not really, a few short stories here and there but he still knew she was right. She always was. It was kind of irritating actually, or would be if he wasn't so grateful for it. For her.

"It was the end of summer, we'd been staying at our cabin up island but school was supposed to start in a few days so we were heading home. We were driving up-"

"You were in the car?"

Jay didn't know why that shocked him so much but it did. He'd always had this picture of her sitting alone in her room, waiting for them to come home when she got the knock at the door but he realized now she'd never said that. She hadn't talked about the accident itself at all. And he hadn't asked.

To hear that she'd been there? That she'd been in the car, next to her parents as they died?

He didn't know he'd taken her hand until her fingers were slipping between his, as easily as if they'd always rested there, and found himself praying he could bring her as much peace as she'd brought him the last four days.

"I don't remember much- it was late and I was half asleep in the back. Highwaypatrol said a deer must have jumped out and when my dad swerved to avoid it... They died on impact." Tess spoke quietly but with no one else making a sound her voice filled their small dining room, everyone doing their best not to look directly at her. Everyone but him. His eyes were glued to her, a new, more horrific picture forming in his mind. "Not a day goes by that I don't miss them. But I don't really want one to. I like being able to carry them with me. You just... you have to get to the point where they're light enough."

Her words hit him, hit each of them, and as if to drive her point home she took a moment to look around the table, first to Carol who rapidly blinked away tears and then Will who gave her a subtle nod as he cleared his throat and finally to his father, who merely returned her stare for a long minute before downing the rest of his wine. And then she looked to him. Jay wanted to say something, wanted her to know how much it meant to him, how much she meant, but like his brother his throat was thick and he didn't trust himself to speak so instead he squeezed her hand, taking comfort in the understanding in her eyes.

"You like hockey?"

He turned and frowned at his father, confused as to why his attention was now so fiercely focused on Tess but to her credit she barely batted an eye.

"Yes."

"You like the Canucks?"

He could see the smile tugging at her lips and shared his own with Will- leave it to their father to change the conversation in the most him way.

"Among other teams."

"Do not say the Leaf's." His dad actually pointed his fork at her, more interaction than he'd given all evening but Jay knew better than to interrupt. Growing up the two highest powers in their house aside from their parents had been God and hockey, and despite his mother's attempts to convince them otherwise each of the Halstead men preferred the latter.

As if she could sense that, which let's be honest she probably could, Tess's smile grew, her shoulders squaring as she answered him. "Every Canadian likes the Leaf's. It's a requirement."

"You like the Blackhawks?"

"Yes sir. And the Bears and the Bulls, though if I'm honest I like the Raptors better."

He and Will exchanged another smirk as their dad grunted, a clear, for him, indicator that he liked her answer. "You know the Raptors have a game coming up." His brother mentioned, giving their aunt an annoyed frown as he took a bite of his once again full plate.

His dad made a comment about their chances against the opposing team and then Carol chimed in with how much she liked to watch the players' run in their little shorts, which nearly made him gag again, and just like that they moved on. Jay took a quick moment to catch his dad's eye and give him a grateful nod and then he turned to Tess, giving her another smile before he reluctantly pulled his hand from hers and picked his own fork back up.

It was going to take him forever to finish the rest of this.

He would have liked to say the rest of the meal went smoothly but it would've been a lie- it was his family after all. If trouble could be found, a Halstead was going to find it.

Especially his aunt.

Her way of apologizing to Tess had been to take her turn sharing everything she could about their family, specifically her 'darling nephews'. He'd hoped Will would have been on his side since half her stories featured him too but instead his brother took it in stride, gleefully taking any opportunity he could to pass the buck back to him.

He wanted to hate it. Wanted to sit there annoyed and frustrated, counting down the minutes until they were done. Wanted to tell Carol that no one wanted to hear about how he used to strip down and 'water' the neighbour's flower gardens or how in middle school he and his friends got detention for a week because they wouldn't stop pantsing each other, or how he'd gotten his ass kicked trying to fight Billy O'Reilly in high school. If there was a story his aunt thought would embarrass him she told it, and took great pleasure in doing so. And Jay wanted to be mad about that. He should have been. And if it had been anyone else beside him he would have but with Tess… she made everything better. For every unflattering story told about him she shared one of her own, how she too had run around naked, how she'd liked to make 'realistic' mud pies and try to convince their neighbours to eat them. How long it had taken her to realize you were supposed to take the wrapper off of a muffin before you ate it.

Seeing her with his family, watching the easy way she interacted with them made him feel a little jealous. And a lot more guilty. He realized how unfair he'd been the last few weeks- sure they had their disagreements but they were still family. And they were still grieving. All of them, not just him. And cutting himself off from them, from anything that reminded him of his mother… it was the coward's way to deal with his grief. And Jay was a lot of things, but a coward was not one of them.

"Are you sure I can't get you another drink dear?"

"I really shouldn't. But thank you for dinner- I've had a wonderful time but I should probably start heading home." Tess told Carol for the fourth time; he was half convinced his aunt was trying to get her drunk so she'd be forced to stay the night.

He pushed out of his chair, really he was going to pick her up and carry her out if Carol didn't lay off but then his father's rough voice filled the room, instantly stiffening his back. And his expression… Jay knew that look.

That was not a good look.

"Don't bother." His dad looked between him and Tess then back to him, an emotion he didn't recognize building in his gaze. "I don't want any more footprints on the side of my house."

Fuck.

When the fuck had he figured it out?

Why the fuck hadn't he thought to check for something like that?

And no offense but why hadn't she? Wasn't she supposed to be the super spy?

Fuck.

"Dad-"

"I don't want any funny business you understand me?"

He what now?

For the briefest second he looked to his brother for confirmation that what he thought was happening was actually happening, his dad had not been this okay when he'd found Ali in his room after curfew but Will looked just as stunned, his mouth actually hanging open. Even Carol was visibly confused by her brother's uncharacteristic behaviour but hell if he wasn't going to take advantage of it.

"Yes sir."

"Yes sir." Tess repeated when his dad turned to her, his expression not lightening in the slightest as he looked her over.

"You got a bag in your car?"

Jesus.

Her face blanched but she nodded and as soon as his hand lifted to wave them off Jay was taking her by the shoulders and leading her out, out, out, out until they stumbled onto the porch. "Did that just-"

"Yup."

Jay looked over and found her staring back at him, found those beautiful blue eyes staring up into his and felt his heart start pounding. No one else had ever looked at him like that. With that mix of mischief and tenderness and unshakable trust. Except... it shook. For the second time tonight, the second time ever she looked away from him, turned away from him, making for the stairs before she suddenly turned back around but any hope that rose in his chest was quickly squashed.

"I don't have my keys."

His heart went from pounding to cracking.

He made for the door, mumbling as he did that he would get them for her- if she went back in without him who knew how long Carol might keep her.

Thankfully his family remained out of sight as he trudged upstairs, eventually finding her purse beneath her cardigan- her aunts. She'd mentioned that she'd borrowed it because she'd wanted to look nice for tonight. For his family. He'd teased her about it. And then he'd gotten it ruined, and now had quite possibly ruined whatever was between them by his inability to keep his hands to himself.

He hated this. Hated that he'd scared her. Hated that he didn't know how to make it right.

He carefully picked up her still wet clothes and put them in the dryer, on delicate lest he wreck them further then headed back, doing his best to return Tess's smile when he passed her bag over. He hated that more than anything. That she was so good at hiding her emotions. That she felt the need to hide from him at all when she never had before. He stayed quiet as he followed her to her car, trying to think of what to say, how he could make it right, but the guilt kept rising until finally he couldn't bear it anymore.

"I'm sorry."

He must've startled her because she tripped as she looked over her shoulder, half falling into the side of her car and though he instinctively relished the way he towered over her he quickly regretted the thought. How could he like anything that might make her uncomfortable?

"I'm so sorry Tess. I am. I didn't mean for-"

"Jay it's okay-"

"No, it's not. I never should have grabbed you like that. I didn't even ask to kiss you I just- I scared you-"

"No, you didn't-"

"Yes I did, I-"

"Jay I don't think it's possible for you to scare me!" Tess shouted, a slow blush making its way across her cheeks as she took a breath. Four actually, each one calming the torrent inside her eyes until they were back to the ones he knew, soft and wild and trusting. "Jay... you're the person I feel safest with."

His heart stopped, right before it gave that sharp tug it only ever did around her. That tug that made him wonder if maybe there was some big plan after all, if maybe he'd been meant to find her. If they'd been meant to find each other.

She meant what she was saying. He could see that, how even if she didn't understand it, and it didn't look like she did, she still knew it as truth. Knew it, accepted it, wanted it. His guilt vanished, an actual weight lifted from his shoulders until...

If that wasn't the reason she was upset, what was?

Her brows started to furrow, a visible tension winding its way through her body- whatever it was clearly wasn't something she was comfortable talking about and he was done pushing. "Tess it's o-"

"I'm a virgin."

Oh.

Oh.

A lot of thoughts ran through his mind, a lot of emotions and Jay did his best to process them as quickly as he could, keenly aware that whatever he said next would either damage or strengthen that trust he treasured so much. But before he could figure out what she needed to hear she told him, though not in so many words.

"It's not because I'm religious. Or because I'm waiting for marriage or like, candles or rose petals or some big event, I actually really don't want that, and it's not because I'm a prude either-"

"Okay." He said softly, cutting her off before she could work herself up any more. And it worked. Tess quieted instantly but she had that same look, the same fear from earlier. He never would've thought that this was what was causing it.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"Just... that's it? You don't, you don't have questions?" She asked warily, shifting on her feet again.

"Do you want me to have questions?"

Because he did. Several. He just wasn't going to ask them right now. Clearly this was something she was insecure about, this was the most nervous he'd ever seen her and that was saying something considering how they'd met but she needed to know that she didn't have to be. Not with him. It didn't change how he felt about her, not in a bad way anyway, just... in a more way. He wasn't the greatest with words but that was the only way he could describe it. But Tess... God, Tess just looked utterly confused. What had she been expecting?

More to the point, how had other guys responded? Clearly not well.

"You just told me everything I needed to know. If there's more you want to share then I'd like to hear it but I can wait until you're ready to tell me." She started to soften again, in that way she did around him, only him a primal part of him now whispered, but with a heavy swallow he pushed that voice down. "You gonna get your bag?"

She nodded several times before she actually moved, that flush he loved so much spreading as she rolled her eyes.

Oh yeah, he was going to enjoy this.

She was still pink when she tried to rush past him, nearly tripping when he took the bag from her but after a few steps she stopped, fiddling with the strap of her purse as she turned back around.

"What?"

"If... if you were to ask, to kiss me, what... how would you do it?"

Now he was the one at a loss for words.

How could she do this?

How could she make him feel so much by doing so little?

How would he want to do it?

Jay thought for a moment, it was hard to decide when he'd imagined it a thousand different times but then he smiled, his hand finding its way up to her hair without him realizing. He loved her hair; the thick, onyx locks that slipped like silk through his fingers and always smelled of vanilla. Her skin was what smelt like blackberries, a subtle tartness that drove him wild.

"Tess Danvers…" His heart was back to pounding but then her eyes met his and just like always any fears or doubts faded away. It was just them, and there was nothing in the world he was more sure of. "I really like you. And if it's alright with you, I would really like to kiss you."

Her cheeks went pink again and when she nodded he slowly leaned in, so, so, slowly until finally his lips brushed hers. Jay gave her the kiss that should have been their first, that would have been if they'd met the way normal people did. That wasn't to say he regretted what it had been, he'd never regret a single moment with her but he was still glad to give her this one. Proud to give her what she deserved. And the way she took it? The way she pressed her hands against his chest, her fingers lightly gripping his shirt... he'd give her anything she wanted. Still he kept it short, she had a habit of making him lose his hold on himself, and then he took her in, the soft smile on her lips and the way her eyelashes fluttered like she was trying to keep them closed, trying to stay in the moment as long as she could.

He had never seen anyone more beautiful.

His throat was too thick to speak when she finally opened her eyes so he just tucked her into his side, brushing one more kiss against her hair before he led her back into the chaos.