Chapter 10
Thirteen Years Ago
"Are you serious?"
"What?"
"I'm trying to kiss you and you're making a face."
"Well did you have to get extra onions on your hotdog?"
"They taste good!" Jay defended as Tess laughed and pushed him away.
"To you maybe."
He made his own face and pecked her on the lips anyway, ignoring the slight scrunching of her nose as he grabbed their wrappers, with the bit of bun that was always left in hers, and headed over to the garbage.
They were back on the Riverwalk, and for a place he'd never spent much time at before this week it had quickly become one of his favourites spots. And as he turned back he was planning on taking a moment to take in his favourite sight, her against the backdrop of the city, but it only took a second for him to realize something wasn't right. Tess had gone from leaning against the bench with her leg tucked beneath her to sitting upright, shoulders back, chin up; he recognized the posture immediately and it left little doubt in his mind as to who was on the other end of the phone pressed against her ear.
Coulson.
Or maybe Michael, he was her team lead, but it didn't really matter who. What mattered was that he knew that look.
She had to go back.
She'd already been home a week longer than she'd told him she would have but he'd spent so much time trying not to think about her departure that the sudden reality of it left his heart aching. Saying goodbye to her had always been hard, harder than it had a right to be, but now? How was he supposed to let her go now he'd had a glimpse of what it was like to really have her? Her gaze slid to him and then away, a familiar heaviness in her eyes as she nodded and he knew he was going to have to figure it out. He knew all too well how hard that phone call was, how lonely the last night.
Jay couldn't, wouldn't make this any harder on her than it was already going to be.
He waited until she hung up and then walked back, slowly looking her over as he took his seat beside her. "Gotta go save the world?"
Her half laugh made his heart ache even more, especially as her eyes met his. She didn't say anything and the way her throat bobbed made him think she couldn't so he just pulled her into his side and rested his head atop hers, giving them both a minute to let it sink in.
"I don't-" Damn it. Her throat wasn't the only one that was thick. "I don't want to sleep in my bed tonight."
For a second she didn't answer but then she tilted her head up, smiling even as she held back tears. How could anyone look so pretty when they cried? "You do realize you'll be trading Carol for Lydia, right?"
Now it was his turn to laugh, her eyes softening as he tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear. "That's fine by me. All I care about is that I'm with you."
They left a few minutes later.
Jay couldn't bear to be around other people, to see all the normal couples, kissing and laughing and holding hands without a care in the world- every second that passed the ache in his heart grew stronger and he had no idea how to handle it. All he wanted was to take her someplace they could be alone, could forget the rest of the world and the demands it made of them but she kept insisting they go to his place. He supposed it made sense, she still had things there, things he didn't particularly mind if she left behind but he didn't want to risk his aunt showing up. In his youth her uncanny ability to turn up at the most inopportune moments had been funny. Now it was not. But Tess kept asking as they walked back to his car, as he distantly wondered how long it would take before her scent stopped clinging to the seats, it was certain it'd be gone by the time he got home from his next deployment but would it last until then? And then she'd mumbled something about wanting to steal one of his hoodies, how the one she'd taken from the base no longer smelled like him and in an instant all his ire melted.
He'd give her a hundred sweaters if she wanted. He settled on two, one zip up and one pull over, then threw a couple of his shirts into the bag he'd bring over to Lydia's for good measure, then annoyed her until she finished writing her insisted upon goodbye note. The idea of her wanting his things, wanting to wear them, be surrounded by a piece of him… it made his gut twist and turn in a way he'd never felt before.
In a way he'd kill to make sure he could again.
Before he knew it they were pulling up outside the brownstone, though thankfully her aunt wouldn't be home for several more hours. Jay was looking forward to spending time with her, to seeing how she and Tess interacted, what Tess was like in her own home, her own comfort zone, but he was still glad they would have a bit more time to themselves. Not that he knew what to do with it. There was a tension in the air he didn't know how to break- he'd never been in this situation before. He had always been the one who left, not the one who was left behind. And Tess… she had even less experience than he did. He was sitting awkwardly on her bed as he watched her put her things away, though she seemed to have finished several minutes ago and was now just moving around items like she was trying to keep busy. Like she didn't know what to do with herself.
He had to be the one to know.
To make this better, for both of them.
"Come here."
Her bed was high enough off the ground that as she settled between his legs they were face to face, or just about, making it easy for him to look up into her sapphire eyes. They were soft. Sweet. And scared.
"One year. My next deployment is only a year. Which means that in thirteen, fourteen months max we'll be right back here. Assuming I don't need you to rescue me again."
She let out a quiet laugh and he pulled her closer, feeling some of his own tension ease when she began to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. "You Rangers do seem to need a lot of help."
"What can I say, I guess we're just not as badass as you." She smiled again but there was still a tightness in her eyes, and she was shifting the way she did when she was nervous. "Hey, it's okay. We're going to be fine."
"I know, it's just… a year is a long time and I want you to know that if- if you find someone else that's okay, I don't-"
"Wait, that's what you're worried about?"
Seriously?
She actually thought- yes. Yes, she did. Looking at her now it was clear to see and made him feel stupid for not realizing it sooner. Tess might know what she meant to him but she didn't know relationships, never mind a long distance one where both participants worked in active war zones.
"Well, yeah. I just- I don't want you to think that I expect you to wait for me. You know, you're not like, beholden to me or-"
"What if I want to be?"
She stopped her rambling immediately, her eyes going wide as she cocked her head in confusion.
Did she know what she meant to him?
"Tess… there's not going to be anyone else. Not for me anyway. Now if you-"
"No."
The air went still, even the street noise muted as she finally met his gaze.
"I don't want anyone but you." Her voice may have been quiet but her words were resolute, her grip on him tightening as he drew her in, closer and closer until she was all but straddling his lap.
"Neither do I." He told her gently, but he could see she still didn't believe him.
Not him, not how he felt. She didn't believe someone could feel that way about her. Which was bullshit. Complete bullshit. But how did he tell her that? How did he make her believe him? Jay had never been good with words, with saying what he felt but he could show it. He could show her. He brought her mouth to his and took her lips, slowly, softly, till a shiver ran down her spine and she finally closed the gap between them, crawling onto his lap as his hands dove into her hair.
I love you.
Tess pushed him until he lay back and then tugged him until he rolled on top of her, both letting out low moans as he settled between her legs. The way his body fit against hers was perfect. Like it had been to.
Believe that I love you.
Their hands moved in unison, slipping under shirts and pushing down jeans, tossing clothes across the room until every inch of them was pressed against every inch of the other.
Believe that I'm yours.
They made each other tremble and cry and ache but everything she gave to him Jay made sure to give her back twice over, until she was clinging to him, begging him and then he gave her everything he had left.
Believe that I will never let you go.
And Tess took it, nodding her head like she could hear him. He prayed she could. But if not… he'd keep showing her. Whatever he had to do, however long it took.
I'm yours. And you're mine.
"To whatever end." She mumbled against his neck as she nuzzled into him, exhaustion making both their bodies heavy as they slowly came down.
It took a lot of focus for him to bring his hand up to her cheek, and he missed it on the first try but then he was bringing her lips back to his, unwilling to have any space between them. "I promise."
It was the only thing he could.
Not that he would come back. Not even that she would. But that whatever and whenever their end was, he would love her to it. Probably after it too.
"I promise." Tess repeated, those sapphire eyes drawing him in as she ran her hand along his jaw. "I promise."
They were together two more times and were halfway through starting a third when her aunt came home. Luckily, she was just as loud as Carol so they'd had enough time to right themselves and slip their clothes back on, though Tess did have to stop him at the top of the stairs to point out that he'd thrown his shirt on backwards. And inside out.
He'd always liked sex, what wasn't to like, but this… this wasn't just sex. This was something more. No one else had ever gotten under his skin the way she did. Hell, he hadn't known he could go so many times in such a short period but Tess brought out a stamina in him that he hadn't known he was capable of.
But liked.
God did he like it.
It was difficult to keep his hands off her, which was why he was glad for the garlic in front of him. The three were making dinner together, some kind of cream cheese pasta the women swore was better than it sounded and he'd been put in charge of cutting up the garlic and shallots while Tess prepared the sauce and fried some chicken and Lydia… Lydia oversaw everything. Leaning across from him at the kitchen island she had a glass of red wine in her hand, her and her niece had similar tastes, down to the blue jeans and plain t-shirts they both wore, and could barely conceal her grin as she flicked her eyes between them. Her brows rose impishly whenever he caught her stare but the way she looked at Tess, the way her face softened with fondness… Jay hadn't forgotten he was the first man she'd been with but it was different to remember he was her first boyfriend, the first boy she'd ever brought home. And that… that was big. That was a responsibility he had to make sure he honoured.
"Ignore her." Tess mumbled as she came over and took the finished shallots.
He shot her a grin. "Is this what you felt when you came over the first time?"
"Oh no, your family are a bunch of heathens. We are much more civilized."
He didn't know what face he made but it made her laugh. Lydia too.
"I am so looking forward to meeting your aunt." The woman said with a wry smile, finishing her glass before she poured herself another.
Jay had the chilling suspicion the two would get along great.
Too great.
Tess let out another laugh from her spot in front of the stove and as he went back to dicing he couldn't help looking her over. She was always pretty, always good with people, from his crazy family to hot dog vendors to the homeless she always gave money to but he didn't think he'd ever seen her this relaxed. He got that tug in his heart again and swore she did too because she caught his gaze, both sharing a small, secret smile before they went back to the tasks at hand.
Or maybe not so secret if Lydia's small gasp was any indication. When he looked her way her brow was cocked, eyes sparkling as if she'd put together the pieces of a puzzle but the second her mouth opened Tess cut her off.
"Niagara."
He had no idea what that was supposed to mean but Lydia clearly did because she froze, her lips now pursing as she tried to smother a smile.
"You are so lucky I'm cool kid." She said finally, smiling broadly as she walked over and slung an arm around her nieces shoulders.
Jay snuck a peek over his own to watch Tess shake her head as Lydia bumped her hip against hers, shushing her when she whispered in her ear and then as one they looked at him. He quickly turned back around but Tess' flush and Lydia's delighted smirk told him exactly what they were talking about. Him. Him and Tess and what exactly the nature of their relationship was. Or rather, how far it had gone.
Well. At least Lydia looked happy. Ali's mom and dad had not.
The next thing he knew she was at his side, giving him a sweet smile as she took the garlic and nodded to another section of the kitchen. "Bowls are in that cupboard, cutlery in the drawer beneath."
"Got it."
"Yeah you do."
He felt his eyes go wide at the innuendo in her voice but didn't know what shocked him more, her brazenness or the fact that Tess immediately, and without a single glance, swung her leg back and kicked her aunt in the back of the knee. Hard. Lydia buckled but was quick to whip her in the butt with a tea towel and for a moment all he could do was watch the battle of wills as they locked eyes but again as one they looked to him and again he hurried to do as told, still watching from the corner of his eye as they began elbowing each other in the ribs until finally Lydia laughed and walked over to the television.
"Alright, what do you guys want to watch? Action? Comedy? Rom-com?"
Tess gave her aunt a dry look but she just gave an innocent one back, waving the remote as she did.
"You don't eat at the table?" He regretted speaking the moment the words were out, the synchronicity in which they moved was just creepy, but just like that all the tension was gone.
Lydia looked at him as if she hadn't even considered that an option. He got the feeling she was the kind to go with the flow and could just picture them on the couch with their food on their laps, joking about whatever they'd made and if it had been a success, choking it down if it hadn't been or even tossing it and ordering take out. "Would you like to?"
He was quick to shake his head, relief washing over him when Tess cut in.
"Put on a comedy." Lydia nodded and turned away to pick something while Tess shot him a smirk. "Told you you'd be trading Carol for her."
"I still think that's a fair trade."
She made a face that said she might agree and motioned for him to pass her the bowls.
The food smelled delicious.
Lydia chose an Adam Sandler movie, not at all the kind of humour he'd expected either would enjoy, though it did mostly seem to be there as background noise while they chatted. The two women were also a lot more dirty minded than he'd expected, as he found out when Lydia's cat Sasha, whom he'd been warned about by Tess whose mother had apparently given the feline her nickname, bitch cat from hell, had come and joined them. Both called her a whore when she chose his lap to settle in, immediately stretching out and purring as he rubbed her belly. His family hadn't had pets growing up, hadn't been able to afford one, but he'd always liked animals. Especially cats. He liked that they weren't all over you, that sometimes they couldn't care less about you. A more earned love compared to a dog's unconditional.
Sasha stayed on his lap for as long as they sat there and before he knew it they'd been there for hours. Jay told Lydia all about how he and Tess had been caught by his father, and Mrs. O'Farrell, and had been shocked to find that the similarities between them went right down to their laughs, though to be honest there weren't a lot of differences; Lydia's eyes were brown to Tess's blue, her black hair lightly streaked with gray and her figure just a bit plumper. The two acted almost like sisters, and when he caught a glimpse of a picture of Lydia with her own sister he understood why. Tess could have been her mothers twin, though in this particular photo she was clearly older than Tess was now, holding her young, giggling daughter while her husband had his arms around them all. It made his heart clench every time his eyes passed over it, something Tess definitely noticed, but beside the hand she placed on his knee it didn't seem to bother her, and he figured that was more for his benefit than it was hers, and so the evening passed.
Just like Carol Lydia shared several embarrassing stories of her niece, including that she used to eat muffin wrappers, until she was eight which she had not mentioned before, but also how she used to sneak out of their cabin to go night surfing and how she'd once cussed a girl out not knowing the principal was behind her only to be let off scot-free because 'if she was cussing at someone they deserved it'. How she'd been three the first time she'd taken apart her Easy-Bake Oven and how it had taken her less than a year to figure out how to put it back together. Working better than it'd been before. Every story showed him a new side of Tess, some he'd guessed at, some he hadn't, but each one delighted him. And saddened. How long would it be until he got to learn more?
Eventually Lydia turned off the tv and said she was heading for bed and given that it was barely past nine pm it was obvious she was trying to give them time alone, even joking that she might take a sleeping pill so that they needn't worry about waking her up.
He didn't know whose face had been pinker, his or Tess'.
Still despite her embarrassment she'd gotten up from where he had her tucked into his side, she'd started out lightly leaning against him, which slowly evolved into his arm behind her, which moved into full on cuddling when Lydia had legitimately kicked her into him, and it made his heart start clenching again as he watched them hug. Not only because he could see the fear in Lydia's eyes or the reassurance in Tess', not only because of how tightly they held each other, not even because he knew the feeling. But because he'd never have a hug like that again.
Not from his mom anyway.
The thought caused a different kind of ache to hit him and he had to look away. He'd been having so much fun that for a little while he'd forgotten all about her. Forgotten she was gone. His first instinct was to get angry at himself but he couldn't. He tried, but he couldn't. Not here. It was easy to at home when everything was a reminder, when the very atmosphere was laced with decades worth of buried feelings but there was none of that here. Just love and kindness, and currently a bit of sorrow.
He could feel Tess's tension rising again as they headed upstairs and this time Jay knew there wasn't anything he could do that would make it go away.
But maybe he could make it a little lighter.
"I have something for you." He said softly, grabbing his backpack where he'd left it on the floor by her bed as he motioned her over. "Take your pick."
"I can have one?"
"You're taking them all. But you need one for tonight."
His eyes were glued to her face, memorizing the way hers widened then softened and the way her lips parted, the bottom one quirking as she slowly reached into the bag. She looked at each top, fingering the material, weighing her options so seriously it knocked his heart off rhythm. She finally settled on one of the t-shirts, a dark gray he'd thought would bring out her eyes, and then set them on him. God they were blue. So full of emotion it was a wonder he wasn't drowning already and then he looked closer and realized he wasn't the only one. Tess could talk circles around him on any topic but this might be the only thing she didn't know how to handle. But he did.
If there was one thing he knew it was how to be with her.
He'd known that from the beginning.
So he gently took the top from her and set it aside, setting the bag back down before he reached for her shirt- he waited for her to tell him it was okay before he lifted it up, her bra too, and then slipped his over her head. She didn't say anything, just watched him with that sparkle in her eye growing brighter and brighter so he continued, taking off her jeans and socks before it occurred to him that he hadn't brought any sweatpants. Damn it.
"I don't usually wear pants to bed."
Jay looked up to see her smiling at him, the lightest flush on her cheeks, and found his eyes slowly roving back down. The thought of her sleeping in his shirt, in just his shirt… "I'm gonna remember that."
She laughed and pulled him back up, tugging at his top as she raised her brow. He couldn't hold back his smirk as he pulled it off, or his jeans, but when he went to lift the covers she stopped him.
"I'm not ready to go to bed yet." Tess whispered, staring at the blanket for a long minute before she brought him over to the window seat.
She took another minute to look it over, flicking her eyes between him and the cushions; his heart gave that tug when he realized she was deciding how she wanted to sit with him so once she'd made up her mind he quickly followed suit, squaring his back against the windowsill as she settled across from him.
"Talk to me?"
Always.
They sat there for hours. At one point she turned so she was resting against his chest and when the sky started to lighten they moved to the bed but they never went to sleep. Tess refused to, no matter how hard he tried to convince her or lull her into it- she just kept insisting she would sleep on the plane. And maybe it was selfish of him to not push back when he knew where she was going but if it meant he got a little more time with her, got to memorize the sound of her voice then he was okay with it.
She talked about everything. Her team and the bonds she'd forged with each of them, how Coulson was like a third father and Michael and John protective older brothers, Nysa and Vivienne the older sisters. How she was mildly dreading seeing the latter.
'She's going to be unbearable when she finds out we slept together. Which she will be able to tell within five seconds, if not less.'
The redhead was her best friend, and apparently was the one responsible for most of the sexual knowledge she had and he couldn't help but feel touched when she told him how much the pilot approved of him. Apparently her whole team did and even though he'd only had a few interactions with them it made him feel better to know, and not just because it made things easier on her. But because if they hadn't he could only imagine how difficult the operatives would make things on him. She talked about the op she was going on, nothing vital but still details that probably weren't meant to be shared and told stories of past ones, things that soothed her in the field and things that scared her, how sometimes she still didn't believe this was her life.
Sometimes he didn't believe it either. Not just that a woman with zero combat training had made it into, no, had been recruited into one of the most elusive and elite programs their country had but that she'd wanted to. Tess could have had any job she wanted, from a quiet life in IT sitting behind a desk to being the CEO of her own company and yet she'd chosen to throw herself into the deep end of a world she'd known nothing about because she'd believed that it was the best way for her to make a difference.
It amazed him.
And it made saying goodbye even harder than he'd already been imagining.
The only time she left his side was when the quiet sounds of Lydia preparing for work had floated upstairs and it wasn't much longer after she'd come back that they were going down together, sharing a coffee while she waited for her cab, tea in her case. Jay had offered to drive her but she'd explained that she never let anyone take her and though he understood he couldn't help the way his eyes kept flicking over to the clock on the stove, his stomach tightening with each passing minute. Finally there were none left and they went to stand on her steps, watching as the cab pulled up and put its flashers on.
"One year?" She asked quietly, looking up at him with those big blue eyes.
"One year." He replied, pulling her in close and kissing her gently on the forehead.
"Unless you need rescuing."
"I might try to set that up just so I can see you."
Her brows furrowed and he laughed. "Do not do that."
He smiled but had to bring her back in when his lips started wobbling. Fuck this was hard.
"Jay?"
"Yeah?"
"Promise me something?"
"Anything."
"Don't shut down again. Talk to Carol or Mouse or send me a thousand letters, just… don't shut down."
Of course the only thing she wanted was for him to take care of himself.
"I promise."
Some of the tension in her eyes lessened and she squeezed him tightly, long enough that he had to give the cabby a hard look when he saw him go to honk the horn and then he gave her one last kiss on the head, then one on the forehead and finally one on her lips, dragging it out as long as he could before he stepped back.
"Promise me something?"
"Anything."
Jay flipped the pendant of her necklace so St. Michael stared back at him. "Stay safe."
Their fingers met on the angel, both squeezing tightly.
"I promise."
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
He had to give her one more kiss, just one and then he stepped back, far enough this time that she was out of reach, his heart already wrenching with the distance.
"See ya Ranger." Tess said softly, giving him a sweet smile before she turned, and he couldn't help taking in the way her back straightened and her shoulders squared as she slipped inside the cab.
Not the girl anymore, but the operative.
But as she looked out the window, suddenly grinning and wearing his sweater he realized it didn't matter how many versions of her there were or what any of them were like. She was still his.
She was always going to be.