Chapter 4

It was almost one in the morning by the time they reached the 21st and Jay couldn't help looking at Tess as they pulled in. She'd never been here before, that he knew of, but he'd told her about it, his excitement when he'd first joined Intelligence and his concern about his new Sergeant. And to be fair a lot of that concern had been warranted but now he knew how far Voight would go to protect his team and couldn't help wondering what the man would think when he found out he hadn't been the only one looking after them. Jay couldn't say for certain when Tess had stepped in but he was positive she had, and off the top of his head could think of at least half a dozen instances where things had been tied up a little too easily.

Not that she would ever voluntarily admit to it; she did what she did because she could, not because she wanted the credit.

He felt a wave of relief when she waited for him to come around to her door and there was another one of those moments as he opened it, a flash into their past but this time she raised her brow, a hint of a smile on her lips, and the next wave threatened to drown him. The feeling of her in his arms as he lifted her was like coming home but when she pulled away it cut almost as deeply as it had when she left. He could feel the wall she was putting between them but for the life of him couldn't understand why. Hadn't they just said they were okay? He'd seen how hard that conversation had been for her, how deeply she'd needed his reassurance. Did she need more? Was she worried about Voight? He wouldn't know because she didn't meet his stare, not that it mattered as an angry voice suddenly called out from behind them.

"Seriously Hank?"

Jay recognized Chief Lugo immediately. Not because he was the head of CPD's Bureau of Organized Crime but because of how frequently he worked with their unit. Rather, how frequently he monitored their unit. He and Voight had gotten into their fair share of disagreements over the years, and though for the most part he took Intelligence's side right now he looked pissed. His hair was all over the place, his clothes rumpled like he'd dressed in the dark, and his shoes weren't even tied properly.

"We wake you up Chief?" Years of practice meant he didn't bat an eye at Voight's comment, or his little smirk, but Lugo was quick to glare.

"You take on Igor Kuznetsov and you don't tell me? You don't even use backup!?"

"That's on me sir." Tess said calmly, stepping up next to Voight as Lugo stopped and looked between them.

"Who is this? Who are you?"

"Theresa Danvers. Former SAC."

She didn't say anything else, just smiled in that way he'd seen Coulson do dozens of times, mild yet unflappable, and it was like it was like all the fight went out of the Chief. His shoulders sagged as he looked to Voight, who just shrugged, and then he sighed and motioned to the door. Jay almost laughed, and was sure his Sergeant caught the twitching of his lips, and had to force himself to wait until he and Lugo were a few steps ahead before he leaned in to whisper in Tess's ear.

"Way better than Bronson."

He watched her smother her own smile and waited for her elbow to hit him, tensed for it, but it never came. She just gave him a look and kept walking, and he swore he could see another brick go into that wall. All he wanted was to knock it down, to take her back once and for all but for the first time he didn't know if he could. He felt a distance, an otherness to her- the thing that wasn't Tess. Wasn't his Tess. And he didn't know how to deal with it.

They stayed quiet as they headed to the bullpen, Voight and Lugo out of agitation and apprehension and he and Tess because they were too busy staring at each other.

They never looked at the same time, instead taking turns stealing glances, like they were giving themselves time to get used to this. To each other. Jay knew he needed it. He'd been waiting for this for so long, not just for her to come home but for her to be done. He had never asked her to leave the agency, not once, but that didn't mean he hadn't spent every day from the moment they'd met wondering when she'd be ready. Wondering what his life would be like when she didn't have to keep leaving it. And agony of the last five years, of not knowing if she would come back at all… it was no surprise he couldn't stop looking at her.

She was just as beautiful as the day she'd left.

Her hair was shorter, more than he'd seen it in years, just touching her collarbone, but other than that she looked almost unchanged; same sapphire eyes and pink lips, same soft, full body that was so much stronger than it appeared. But he knew that couldn't be true and the more he looked the more he realized he was right, that it wasn't her appearance that was different it was her demeanour. He saw it in the way she held herself as she walked, how the innate self-assurance she'd always possessed seemed to have increased tenfold, and in the way she took a seat as they entered Voight's office, her gentle passivity quickly calming the other men. And the way she interacted with them… she'd always been good at concealing her emotions, taking on whatever persona was needed to deal with a particular person or situation but there had been something practiced about the way she did it. But this? This was effortless. She gave them exactly what they wanted. She showed Lugo a kind, capable young woman who'd simply gotten into a jam, whose presence didn't have to be antagonistic like he feared but rather something to welcome. She promised to work with CPD, to relay information as it came to her, something he knew piqued Voight's interest. His Sergeant was watching her subtly but intently, the way she handled herself, the way she handled them, how she spoke as though they were in charge when really they followed her lead. Jay didn't know what he made of it but he knew he took it all in, and probably more.

Sooner than he expected they were wrapping up, the Chief actually looking happier as he left, and once he was gone Voight waved them off, telling them to look at her head before they went home. The two shared the briefest glance, enough to say there would be a much longer conversation tomorrow, this time just between them, and then Jay turned and led Tess out. She was silent as she followed him to the locker room and to his surprise peeled off as he made for the first aid kit, walking over to his locker almost absentmindedly, shrugging out of his hoodie as she straddled the bench in front of it.

The fact that she'd known exactly where to go made his heart clench so painfully he swore it broke.

Jay took a moment to watch her, to see how she was doing with all of this, but it was like everything he used to rely on to tell him was gone. Even the crinkle in the middle of her brow was smoothed out, like she'd practiced how to hide it. How to hide every indication of her feelings.

It made him think of Nysa.

And he loved the Israeli woman, knew how kind and compassionate she could be but there was also a coldness to her, something calculated and ruthless he didn't like thinking about in Tess. He knew he had no idea what she'd gone through the last few years, knew that there had always been parts of her he didn't understand, that he couldn't only being present in half her life but he still knew her. Knew the pureness of her heart. And it didn't make him love her any less but it hurt to think she'd lost some of that. To know he hadn't been there to walk with her through whatever darkness she'd experienced.

The sudden moisture in the corners of his eyes had him turning away, taking several deep breaths before he grabbed the kit; he just had to hold on a little longer and then they could go home and talk, or sleep, whatever she wanted. All that mattered was that he would be there with her. The thought steadied him and he made his way back, this time giving the gash on her temple a second look as he ran his eyes over her still blank expression. "How's your head?"

One blink was all he got before her lips slid into an easy smile. "It's fine."

"I've got some aspirin." He replied, giving the bottle a small shake before he passed it over and sat down in front of her, still watching from the corner of his eye as she popped two.

It only took a second to take out the things he needed and by the time he had she'd turned her head to give him room to work, both of them staying silent as he brushed her hair aside. The cut was deeper than he'd thought, with flecks of rust and blue paint around the edges, but it wasn't too serious, though she probably had a slight concussion.

Was it bad that made him feel relieved? That he wanted to blame the differences in her on an injury instead of taking responsibility for his role in them? She certainly didn't blame him. Tess didn't seem to care at all that he'd let her go, that he'd abandoned her, but that wasn't unusual. She'd always cared more about his feelings than she did her own.

"I like it here. It seems... nice."

His eyes shot to hers but she was still looking around, and though there wasn't anything special about this place, the locker room at his gym was much nicer, and smelled way better, he could tell her words were sincere. But there was a feeling in his gut, some familiarity that hit him smack in the face when she finally turned and met his gaze.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

This was happening too fast. He was supposed to have time to think about what he'd say, how he'd tell her.

How the fuck was he going to tell her?

What the fuck had he been thinking?

He'd ended things with Gabby barely more than an hour ago. Well, she had ended things, but only because he'd let her speak first. Not that there'd been much to end, just a brief fling while he'd been undercover at Molly's, after of course she found out he wasn't the slime ball she'd come to believe. He'd felt like an ass using her attraction to him to get closer to the bar but it was his job, not to mention the best way to make sure that jackass Arthur didn't hurt her or anyone else from 51. And the truth was he liked Gabby. She was tough and feisty and had great taste in whiskey, and when she'd come over last week and told him she knew he was a cop, that his friend, her brother Antonio had told her the truth he'd decided to let himself enjoy her.

But even while he was with her he was thinking about Tess.

It didn't matter that they hadn't seen each other in close to a year, that they'd said they were taking a step back, that it had become more painful to be together than it was to be apart. Because she was still Tess. His Tess, the only person he wanted to be with. Which was why he'd come to Mouse's after leaving the fire station, to tell his friend what he'd done and let him berate him, and hopefully help him come up with a way to fix this.

He hadn't been expecting her to be here too. He'd walked in and found them sharing a bowl on the balcony, his friend welcoming him before he took a call on a phone that hadn't rung and disappeared into his room. So now here he was, standing out there with her and nodding along as she told him about the SEAL team she'd been stationed with on this last op in Afghanistan, the war she'd been fighting while he was home sleeping with other women.

What was wrong with him?

All of a sudden Tess stopped talking, placing a gentle hand on his arm, and he realized in an instant that he didn't have to tell her anything. She already knew.

She always knew.

"You're still mine." She said quietly, her lips curling up into a small, sad smile. "You always will be. But I don't want you to only be happy with me."

"I'm glad you're here." Suddenly he was back in the present, looking at the same soft smile. "You have a good job, a good team, good people in your life. I'm happy for you."

She was even saying it the same way she had then. As if she thought she wasn't a part of it, wasn't what made him happy, and he was reminded of something she'd said earlier tonight.

I wanted to wait for the right moment.

She hadn't come to him when she came home because she thought he didn't want her. Because she thought he was happy with someone else.

She thought he was with Hailey.

It shouldn't surprise him. Of course Tess would know who his former partner was to him, what she'd done for him. Of course she would think he was happier without her. What reasons had he given her to think otherwise? Jay took a deep breath and put down the bandage he'd been about to put on her temple. He needed to fix this. Now.

"Tess I'm not with Hailey." She froze, that smile fading, he hoped never to come back, and the look in her eyes, the confusion and disbelief sent another crack through his heart. "I'm so sorry. I know I've been with other people and I know you know that but I never- I never forgot about you, I never stopped loving you and I-"

"You're not with Hailey." She cut him off but her gaze went distant. Locked in her head like he'd been just seconds ago.

God this was so much harder than he'd thought it would be.

All the times he'd thought about them reuniting, all the ways he had imagined it would happen... tonight had been something he'd expected but in some ways even worse than he'd feared. Seeing her through his scope had been like a nightmare come to life and had brought out that primal instinct to protect her, to keep her safe in his arms. But he couldn't hold her if she didn't let him. If she didn't want him to.

"You smiled at her the way you smiled at me...the way you smiled at Erin."

Her words were a blow to the gut when he was already breathless but one glance told him she didn't even know she'd spoken. He'd always figured she knew about Erin, figured she was keeping an even closer eye on him than she had before, which had always been on the edge of ridiculous, but hearing her say it? Seeing the vacant look in her eye as she remembered it? It made him so sick Jay actually thought he would throw up. How many times had she come back and found him with another woman? How many times had she walked away believing he was happier without her? Her words echoed in his head once more.

I wanted to wait for the right moment.

The right moment. Because she'd still wanted to come back. She'd been willing to wait for him. She'd done everything for him. And yet she looked like she was the one who needed to apologize.

He grabbed her hands and started brushing his thumbs across the back, watching as that mask finally cracked, just enough to show a hint of the devastation underneath. "Look, I'm not going to lie to you, there is something there but we've never addressed it. I didn't want to. She's not the person I want to be with."

He needed her to believe him. He needed her to know that none of this was her fault, that she wasn't to blame because if she didn't... Jay couldn't bear the thought. He lifted a hand to her cheek, his heart clenching at how perfectly she still fit within it. "Tess, I don't care how you came back. I don't care how long you were gone and I don't- I am not angry that you left."

He could see the emotions rising in her, swirling in the depths of that ocean blue and though it had been years since he'd seen that look in her eye he still recognized it. From the very beginning of their relationship, when they were first becoming intimate; she was afraid to accept what he was offering because she didn't know how. Because she didn't believe she deserved it. He tightened his grip, pushing closer until his head rested against hers and he could breathe her in, the scent of vanilla and blackberry filling him.

God he'd missed that smell. Missed everything about her.

"The only thing I care about is that you're here. The only thing I care about is you."

A tremor ran through her and her eyes shut as she took a breath so he gave her space, holding her close and praying she could feel the love he was sending her way. It hurt to see her like this, he always hurt when she was in pain, but he knew she would get through it. If there was one thing he believed in it was Tess- no one in the world was stronger than her. And sure enough a few minutes later her eyes opened and she brought her own hand up to cup his face, her fingers gently brushing along his jaw, and when she let out her next breath he watched as a weight far heavier than he cared to admit lifted from her shoulders.

"I really missed you."

He couldn't help the relieved breath that huffed out of him and tugged her closer, burying his head in her shoulder as she did the same. "I missed you too."

It took several long minutes until their grips loosened, until they felt settled enough to let go and then they laughed off the remaining tension, wiping each other's cheeks before he leaned back in and gently brushed his lips against hers. It was the softest kiss, short and sweet but it was enough. More than. With so much between them Jay didn't mind taking his time. He wanted to do this right. He owed it to her. And maybe to himself too. He ran a hand down her hair, tucking some behind her ear before he went back to patching her up, unable to help the guilt that flooded him a few moments later when he got to the graze on her wrist. He still couldn't believe he'd actually shot her but Tess just nudged his foot and gave him a look until he nodded; he may not like it but it had been necessary, and given the circumstances she'd been hurt far less than she could have. The image of Kuznetsov's gun pointed at her head flashed through his mind once more but he forced himself to push it down, along with the rage that accompanied it. She was safe now and that was all that mattered.

Once he was satisfied there was nothing more he could do he passed her his hoodie then returned the first aid kit and led her out, though they had only just walked into the hallway when she paused. His eyes followed hers to the small glow at the far end and Jay knew what she wanted before she had time to think it. He didn't hesitate, just stopped a few feet from the corner and leant against the wall to signify he would wait, watching as she gave him a gentle smile and brushed her fingers along his before she continued without him.

This next conversation needed to be between her and Voight.

He almost snorted at the thought of them alone together. The two most formidable people he had ever known, though if it came down to it his money was on Tess. She'd been taking on people twice her rank since he'd known her and had always come out on top, not to mention she'd only grown more confident with time.

From the moment he'd joined Intelligence he had wondered what it would be like when they met and while they were bound to butt heads there was also a similarity between them that was undeniable. It was that intrinsic way they rebelled against authority yet still chose to work under it, somehow always managing to do things their way. And he was sure Voight could see the resemblance too. The way he'd looked at her while they were meeting with Lugo… cautious yes, disgruntled, but also calm. Accepting of the situation he'd been thrust into. And Jay knew this wasn't going to an easy transition, especially since his team didn't have the greatest track record when it came to outsiders, but there wasn't a doubt in his mind that it would work. That Tess would fit within their unit. Because that's where this was going. It would take time, no one was ready for it, but he knew that was where this was headed. And whether they wanted to admit it or not they both knew it too.

It didn't take long until she was coming back and by the settled look on her face he knew that whatever had transpired had gone well so he simply stood as she neared and slid an arm around her waist, pressing a kiss to her head as he finally led them out. It wasn't until they got in his car and he went to start it that he realized they hadn't discussed where they were going. He'd assumed his place, and from the looks of it so had she, but he suddenly remembered she had a home here too. It was something he'd always wondered about, and knowing how much she loved Chicago he had assumed it was true, to the extent that sometimes thinking about it had driven him crazy. Figuratively and literally; he couldn't count the times he'd driven around her favourite neighbourhoods, trying to see if he could find a place that seemed like hers. Seeing if he could find her. It had hurt to think she could be so close yet not come to him but now all it made him feel wasgrateful. Because he'd been right. Because even if she'd done it without him she'd still come home.

He was in the middle of wondering what said home might look like when she looked over with a raised brow. "Rock, paper, scissors?"

He smiled but shook his head. He knew she was trying to make this easy on him but that wasn't what he wanted. He'd had enough of her putting him first, of hurting herself to do it. "Your call."

Her face softened like she knew exactly what he was thinking, which she probably did, and then her lips tugged up into a small smile. "Want to head to the 31st Street Harbour?"

Jay couldn't hide his surprise. "You live on a boat?"

She didn't respond, just motioned for him to go, her smile growing as he silently pulled out of the lot. Of everything he'd imagined a boat had not been one of them, yet the more he thought about it the more it made sense and the more he loved it. Where else would his island girl live?

"I've actually got several properties." He must have said something out loud because she was looking at him with a familiar tender smirk that made his heart skip a beat. "I'm kind of boujee."

He couldn't help but laugh, his heart warming as her smile grew, then reached over and took her hand. Yes there was still a lot they had to talk about and yes it wasn't going to be easy but as long as he had her he didn't care. They'd get through it together.