Chapter 6

From the moment they pulled into the marina Jay was scanning every boat he saw, trying to see if he could tell which one was hers and it didn't take long until he figured it out. Because that tall dark blue houseboat at the back, at the very far end of the dock with a perfect view of the harbour and covered in ornaments had to be hers. It was the perfect mix of rustic and modern, her preferred style, with just the kind of whimsical twist she found amusing and the closer he looked the more he fell in love with it. With the bronze dolphin jumping along the side and the silver tentacles that reached up out of the water to wrap around the bottom, with what looked like the handle half of a broken paddle and the massive iron anchor who's weight alone told him this boat was probably more structurally sound than most buildings.

"I spent a couple weeks in a houseboat in Bali a few years ago." Tess explained as she opened the door, standing off to the side as he walked in. "It was beautiful and I had the money so I figured why not build one for myself? It's not exactly the same style, but Chicago's got a different climate."

He didn't know what she'd stayed in but he didn't think anything could top this. They were standing at the front of a large open space, far larger than he would have expected from looking at the outside. There was a turning staircase to the right with a small room underneath, a spare bedroom if he had to guess, a kitchen and dining area to the left and a living room at the back, with what looked like an enclosed deck at the far end.

A sunroom.

She'd always wanted one. Wanted a place to lounge and feel like she was outside without actually having to deal with the bugs or bad weather. He could already imagine her in it.

Everything was decorated in the reverse of the exterior, light gray walls with the same walnut floors and exposed beams, the same blue on the trim and kitchen cabinets, even the large sectional in the living room; it was just a shade off from the colour of her eyes but then it must be hard to get anything that blue. It was calm, relaxing, but there were little bits of her personality that shone through in items like the bright orange octopus and whatever creature the teal water horse was supposed to be. He couldn't help but imagine her designing it, the poorly drawn blueprints she would have spent hours making and the all of two minutes it would have taken her to pick out the colours. She'd always had an eye for design. And then there were the artwork and knick knacks. Some he recognized from Lydia's, which sent a sharp and violent ache through his heart but most he didn't. She must have picked them up on her ops, in all the places she had traveled instead of coming home.

Except... she had come home. She'd built a home, without him. And Jay wouldn't lie, that hurt. Like hell. But he knew how much it had weighed on her to not have a place of her own and to know she'd changed that, that she had built one for herself, never mind something this amazing... he was so proud of her.

She started talking, something about a drink but then, "I'm going to go change quickly."

He actually thought he would trip he turned so fast but he was grateful for it because for a second he caught a glimpse behind the mask to the pain she was hiding underneath, conjuring an image of her head just above water so vivid he knew it would be seared in his mind for weeks to come. He found himself nodding, watching as she smiled and ran her eyes over him once more before she turned and headed for the stairs, his own eyes following until long after she was out of sight.

Tonight had been long, heavy and fraught with tension and he knew that Tess deserved to take some time for herself but he also couldn't help thinking that the more she walked away the higher and thicker that wall between them was going to get. And Jay didn't know how much more distance he could handle.

He gave his head a shake and walked back over to the entrance, kicking his shoes off before he decided to take advantage of the time she was gone to get a better look around. It really was beautiful. And as much as it stung to know he hadn't been a part of creating it he was so impressed by it. By her. But then that wasn't unusual. She'd been impressing him from the moment they met. He moved from examining the kitchen, and admiring the craftsmanship of the butcher block countertops to the living room, drawn towards the photographs across the way. To one in particular.

She had dyed her hair.

Another thing she'd always wanted. And it was exactly how she'd described wanting it, a pale purple that made her sapphire eyes even more striking. Fairy hair she'd called it. She looked so beautiful. And happy. She was crouched behind some kind of big stone cooking dish, somewhere in Asia by the looks of it, beaming up at the camera with pride as she showed off the delicious food. Had she made it?

A slight brush against his leg had him pulling himself out of his head and looking down to find a black cat staring up at him. She had a cat. Another dream fulfilled. Why did that hurt? The feline blinked and cocked her head, and he swore he saw recognition in her eyes but she merely brushed against him once more before sauntering over to the couch and jumping up to lay across its back. He watched her, the tightness growing in his chest, then went back to looking at the pictures, taking them in one at a time. Most were new but there were a few he recognized, ones of her and Lydia and Mouse. Of him.

She had photos of him.

There, up on her walls for everyone to see.

Every trace he had of her was hidden away. Most were in storage with Mouse's, his friends silent way of promising he would come home to claim them but the few he hadn't been able to part with, certain pictures, a pair of earrings and a scrunchie, one of her books, were all kept in a small box in a duffle bag at the very top of his closet. Seeing himself so openly in her home was another stab to the heart but Jay took it, grateful it was his and not hers. Tess had been hurt enough.

Something suddenly told him to turn, that instinct he always had when it came to her and there she was, standing a few feet back quietly watching him. She'd traded her jeans for sweats, her gray shirt for a green one, in that dark hunter shade he loved, and she'd put her hair up. She usually only did that when there was work to be done.

Was that what she thought this was? What he was?

Shut the fuck up.

She'd been kidnapped tonight, shot and nearly thrown into the harbour, forced to reunite with him and meet his team in a way she clearly hadn't wanted- Tess could handle this however the hell she wanted to.

She was also still watching him, still perfectly composed, and he realized he needed to say something.

"You had purple hair." He blurted out, immediately giving his head another mental shake. He really needed to get himself together.

A single blink was the only sign of surprise she gave before she smiled, nodding as she came closer. "Blue too. And pink for a little while. Pretty much every shade of cotton candy. I went through a phase."

She shrugged lightly as he looked her over, trying to imagine what each would have looked like, how they would have made her eyes pop, how happy they would have made her, then found his gaze sliding to the couch. "You have a cat." Said animal looked up and gave a slow blink before stretching out and rolling over. "What's her name?"

"Aelin." She replied softly as she went over to scratch under her chin.

Why did that not sound right?

It took a second until he remembered. "That was not the cat character's name."

"No." Tess said with another smile. "That's the name of the fire-breathing bitch queen who she very much resembles. The shapeshifters name was Lysandra."

"-andra." He finished with her, unable to stop his smile as he got it right.

How could he have forgotten? She'd only talked about the Throne of Glass series a thousand times. She'd always had her nose stuck in the pages of some book, usually the same dozen; he'd never known anyone who fell in love with characters the way she did, who could read the same stories over and over, often in the span of a single day.

Only his bookworm.

Something in her expression suddenly changed, tightened, but before he could even think to take a step she was shaking her head. Stopping him from going to her. So he waited until she found the words she was looking for, knowing that he owed it to her to listen but halfway through her first sentence he knew he had to interrupt.

"My life is a lot more complicated than it used to be-"

"I don't care."

If Tess actually thought she could talk him out of this, that there was anything she could say, any warning she could give that would ever stop him from being with her then that well he'd seen earlier went far deeper than he could have imagined. And he knew if he didn't set her straight now he might never be able to pull her out of it.

"I want this Tess. What we were, what we're going to be now, whatever work we have to do I want it. I want you."

Some part of her seemed to waver but then steadied, her eyes locked unflinchingly on his. "I'm not the same girl you knew."

"I know." He could see how badly she needed him to hear her. To understand. And as much as he didn't want to admit it he knew she was right. He knew she was different, darker than that girl he'd carried out of the desert. But… "But you're still my girl."

A small noise slipped past her lips, a tiny, broken whimper that snapped the hold he'd been keeping on himself. Jay was across the room before he realized he'd moved, pulling her elastic out as gently as he could before his fingers tangled in her onyx locks. He'd almost forgotten what it was like to kiss her, how good her lips felt, how they tasted, how perfectly they moved against his. There weren't words to describe how much he loved her so he showed her, putting every second of longing he'd felt over the last fifteen years into that kiss and nearly crumbling with relief when she took it. Tess took everything he gave her and then sent a tidal wave of her own love right back, drowning him in it as she deepened the kiss, her hands running up his chest and over his shoulders until she let out that moan, the one that shot right to the core of him. It sent his own hands sliding to her hips, pushing her into him with every slow caress but the feel of her skin under his fingertips as they finally slipped under her shirt startled him into awareness.

Just an hour ago he'd seen that skin bleeding and bruised.

"No." She breathed, cupping his face just as he went to pull away. "I need you."

Jay couldn't describe the feeling that went through him hearing her say that.

He had understood when she left. He'd always understood because he knew what it was to be the one who had to, how it felt, what it meant. But when she hadn't come home? When three months turned to six, turned to a year and more? He hadn't felt abandoned, he couldn't when she was still looking out for him but he'd felt... he didn't know the word for it. Like leftovers. Like she'd finished and taken half of him with her and what was left was just scraps, bits and pieces of the person he had been.

Tess gave him meaning. She had from the first moment he'd seen her. He loved being a cop, loved what he did and the people he helped, loved being a friend and a brother but it was different with her. He'd tried to deny it, tried to move on, throwing himself into his work or his relationships, often to his detriment, and those around him, doing anything to get that sense of value and connection back but nothing worked. Because nothing could ever replace her.

"I love you."

She let out another whimper as he said it but he muffled it with his lips, gently lifting her until her legs wrapped around his waist. "I love you."

He could feel her trying to say it back but he refused to pull away so she started nodding, her fingers running through his hair as he kneaded her thighs, savouring the feeling of her within his grip. He was never going to let her go again. He was completely unaware of anything but her until his knees hit a mattress and then he lay them down, both gasping as they parted until their eyes caught and the frenzy suddenly faded.

They didn't need to rush. There was time now.

They took each other in but his eyes slowly fell to the dip in her throat, to where St. Michael lay staring up at him, and couldn't help but press a grateful kiss to the pendant.

So long as you have this you have to come home.

It was a promise he'd known he had no right to ask of her but had asked anyway, desperate for whatever assurance he could get that he wouldn't lose her. It had been almost fourteen years since that day and if he hadn't already been laying down the gratitude he felt that they were still together would have brought him to his knees.

Her kiss pulled him out of his head and to her fingers as they trailed up his sides, pushing his shirt up and prompting him to pull it off, watching the way her face softened as she reached out, following the same pattern across his chest she always had. Heart first. He allowed himself a moment to get lost in it, in the feeling of her and then gently lifted her own shirt, his jaw dropping when he saw the tattoo in the centre of her chest. What he'd mistaken for feathers he could see now were flames and what he'd thought was black ink was actually midnight blue, which gradually lightened to a small core of brilliant white. It was a Phoenix. Her rendering of one anyway. Jay knew what the bird signified, just like he knew deep down what it meant to her, why she would have chosen it, but he wasn't ready to admit it so he settled for lavishing it with kisses before slowly making his way down her body. It was the same one he'd always known, the same smooth lines and plush curves, the same soft skin, just with a few more scars. Including he noted as he flicked his eyes up to take her in a very faint one across her neck that made his blood go cold.

He didn't want to think about how she'd gotten it so he forced himself to focus on her tattoos instead; she'd always had a thing for ink and he'd always had a thing for hers. There was a new quote along her left bicep that he kissed as her hands slid back into his hair, I'm the thing monsters have nightmares about, and another just below the outline of the ocean and mountains on her right rib, She saved the world. A lot.

He was almost positive both were from Buffy.

He kept going, sliding down her sweats so he could see the rest of her but he'd only just started to tug them down when he came across another scar on her lower abdomen, no more than an inch in diameter but thick, the skin around it red and irritated. The reason she had needed to rest against him earlier. It wasn't like any bullet or stab wound he'd ever seen, in fact the way the skin pushed out reminded him of... his stomach rose to his throat as his fingers drifted and the feelings of hurt and guilt he'd tried to push back came flooding in as they brushed across that same spot on the small of her back.

She'd been impaled?

It was all he could think, all he could picture until her hands wrapped around his arms and gently but firmly pulled him up, and as she kissed him and softly rubbed the scar on his shoulder he could practically hear the words she wasn't saying.

The times we almost lost each other don't matter, only that we didn't.

She was right, as usual, so he let her settle him, ground him in the way that only she could then nodded and went back to taking off her pants. A second scar lower down on her left thigh also had his breath catching in his throat, it was her inner, inner thigh but he waited until her sweats were on the floor before he brushed his lips along it, making sure to kiss every inch before he did the same to her stomach. For a moment he had to stay there, overwhelmed once more that she was actually here, that she'd made it through whatever hell she had endured and then he turned his attention back to her. Both her thighs now had tattoos, the profile of a beautiful and fierce lioness on her left and what he was pretty sure was her interpretation of the wheel of fortune on the right, the Latin and Hebrew letters traded for the phases of the moon, the animals and Egyptian gods for a sun and stars. And there, in the very epicentre of the wheel were the only two dots of colour. Blue, for her, and green.

For him.

The only way Jay knew to express the love coursing through him was to kiss it, kiss her, his lips trembling with the strength of his passion as he made his way down her body until finally he ended with one last peck to the scar on her ankle, the one she'd gotten surfing when she was eleven. No longer able to hold himself back he stood to take off his jeans and as their eyes met he swore his heart was beating in time with hers; Tess wasn't just the woman he loved, she was a piece of him. The most sacred one. She was his hope. Nothing could ever change that, he would never let anything change that and though for a while he'd hated her for it in the end he wouldn't have it any other way. He was hers, just like she was his. The love shining in her eyes told him she felt the same and as one they slipped off the last of their clothes, their breaths falling together as he crawled atop her but when he went to kiss her she turned, her gaze locking on his hand where it twined with hers. On his finger, and the ring that sat atop it.

The Claddagh ring she had given him after his accident, her promise that no matter where she went or what she was doing a part of her would always be with him. That when she came home it would be to him. After she'd left there'd been so many times he'd wanted to take it off, times the weight of missing her had grown so strong he thought he'd break beneath it but he'd never been able to. Couldn't even pull it past his second knuckle. So instead he'd flipped it, turning the heart so that it pointed outward. To wherever she might be.

Her sapphire eyes were dark with tears as she looked back at him so he kissed each one before softly pressing his forehead against hers. "To whatever end." He whispered hoarsely, kissing away two tears as they fell until she nodded, her free hand cupping his cheek as his slid into her hair.

"To whatever end." Tess whispered back with a smile.

Their next kiss was sweet but deep, and when he finally slid inside her it felt exactly the way it always had. Every curve of her body rested in line with his as they fell into each other, as easily as falling into the steps of a familiar dance, and though every buck of their hips was bringing them closer to the brink Jay knew the pleasure was only a small part of this. Because everything they'd gone through, all the grief and sorrow, joy and passion had brought them here, to the moment they'd been waiting for from the very beginning. And as they at last tumbled over the edge, their eyes still locked, he knew nothing would ever break them apart again.

It took a minute before he could feel his limbs again and a minute after that before the tingling stopped. His face was buried in her neck, his arms wrapped tightly around her as he soaked her in; the way she fit against him, her soft breaths as they huffed against the shell of his ear, slowly becoming more and more deliberate until she nestled closer but his hum of happiness turned into a groan when her hand ran down his back and she suddenly stiffened.

Her nails had probably dug in.

"Don't care." He mumbled, pushing closer and tightening his grip as he took another deep breath. God he loved the way she smelled. Nothing else could drive him as wild or calm him as easily as the scent of vanilla and blackberry.

She looked anyway, like he knew she would, and he let her see that it was nothing before he lifted his own head and then he could only stare, breathless as he took her in. The pink of her cheeks and the tired smile on her lips, the brightness of her eyes, so much lighter than he'd seen them all night. All his life Jay had struggled with his belief in God, if he even wanted to believe, but all that went away when he looked at Tess. He knew that fate and destiny were real because they had given him her. Tonight was proof. But he was too tired to say that so he settled for brushing his hand against her cheek, hoping she could feel it in his kiss before he shifted, just enough so he wasn't crushing her and then he burrowed back in. A second later her fingers were dancing through his hair and his eyes fluttered shut, his last thought before he gave into slumber that he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so at peace.