Chapter 7

He tried to fall back asleep.

Tried to let the steady sound of her breaths lull him into slumber, counted the rise and fall of her chest like some would sheep but it didn't work and after a while Jay stopped trying to make it. What was one more sleepless night, especially after one like tonight? And at least he had Tess. For the first time in five years he could hold her and know she wasn't going to slip through his arms with the dawn. Just feeling her weight on top of him calmed his racing mind, the sweet scent of vanilla steadying his breath as he finally began to process what had happened, what it meant. How drastically his life had changed while finally returning to the normal he'd craved for so long.

He knew the transition was going to be rough, especially when it came to getting his team; he knew they'd like her but it would take time for them to trust her, and given how frequently Lady Luck liked to fuck with them it was only a matter of time until things got messy. It also didn't help that Voight didn't have much faith in him right now. Their relationship had always been rocky but they'd really started to build something, something each of them respected, but that had taken a huge hit when he hadn't handled Kate Brennan his Sergeants way. He didn't regret it, not when he'd stopped the Deputy Superintendent from splattering her brains all over her dress blues but it had still set them back. And right after Voight had told him he would be the one to lead Intelligence one day too, not that he wanted it. Jay knew what it was to lead, what it was to lose, and he didn't think he could handle that kind of responsibility again. No, being a Detective suited him just fine.

He held back a sigh, fearful he would wake the woman in his arms, and started to run his fingers through her hair. He was going to have to talk to Voight about Tess at some point, and the sooner the better, but what about everyone else?

What about Hailey?

The look she'd given him earlier flashed through his mind and his stomach began to churn. It made him feel like an ass but he thanked God they weren't partners anymore. But he was still going to have to see her, to work with her every day. What was he supposed to tell her? Was it better or worse to try to explain? Because explaining meant admitting there was something between them, something they couldn't have now, something he didn't want. Right? Could the feelings he had for her disappear just like that? God this was fucked up. And there was still Kevin and Adam and Kim to deal with, so many explanations, so much he had to share and he was not a man who did that easily and- Jay suddenly froze. His thoughts, his breath, his heart in his chest.

His fingers.

They had slipped under his shirt to caress Tess's skin, an action that had always brought so much comfort but now filled him with agony. There was another scar on her back. At first he'd mistaken it for the entry wound from whatever had impaled her but he quickly realized it wasn't as thick or ridged, or even in the right spot. Instead it was a thin cut along her spine; up her spine he realized with ever growing horror, tracing where it ran from the top of her tailbone all the way to the base of her neck. A single, razor straight line. Precise. Brutal. He could feel the malicious energy attached to it, as if the person had enjoyed what he'd done. Revelled in it. The contents of his stomach were quick to rise and it took everything to keep them down, to force slow breaths through his nose as he quickly pulled his hand away. He'd been so focused on himself he'd forgotten about her. Again.

How could he do that?

How could he have done nothing when she left?

How could he have just let her go?

Five years later he still didn't have an answer.

What he did know was he wasn't going to do it again. It didn't matter how this affected him or how difficult it was because it was nothing compared to what she would go through. What she'd already been through. God, what had happened to her? It ate at him that he didn't know. That she did. She knew exactly what he'd been through, or near enough, and more than that she'd done something about it. Why hadn't he done anything? He was pulled out his thoughts by Tess nuzzling into him, her fingers digging into his sides, and realized she was waking up; he hadn't even noticed the sun had risen, the room now bathed in warm light. He quickly pressed a kiss to her head, his heart clenching as she let out a contented little noise and pushed closer.

"Did I tell you I missed you?" She asked sleepily, her smile clear in her voice, and his heart clenched again.

"Yes." It took him a moment to continue, to swallow the lump in his throat before he could ask the question he desperately needed an answer to. "Do you believe me when I say I missed you too?"

In an instant she was up and he couldn't help but feel a hint of relief that the little crinkle between her brows hadn't disappeared entirely. But then it did, her whole face softening as she reached out and cupped his cheek. "Jay just because you didn't come after me doesn't mean you stopped loving me. Just like my leaving doesn't mean I stopped loving you."

Jay knew she was trying to make him feel better but it wasn't the same. "You never left."

The crinkle came back, just slightly, but then he saw something different in her gaze, an awareness and understanding that reminded him of what she'd said last night. She wasn't the same girl he'd known. She was older, wiser. Stronger. "I am not angry that you didn't look for me. I am not angry that you didn't come after me and I don't care that you were with other people."

It wasn't lost on him that she was repeating what he'd said to her, what he knew deep down was true, but he still didn't want to hear it.

And like she knew what he was thinking, which she probably did, her hand slid down and gripped his jaw, holding his gaze to hers. "We went our own ways. I don't blame you for that and I don't blame myself for it either."

He'd always thought it wasn't fair that her eyes could do that, get bigger and bluer until he fell into them and lost his hold on himself. It was such an overwhelming feeling that his own closed and for a moment he just held her, breathing her in as he tried to make sense of all the emotions rushing through him. She was wrong, about him not being to blame. But he could tell that she believed what she was saying, that she didn't hold any anger towards him, and as much as he hated that, as much as he wanted her to be angry with him, as angry as he was with himself he should have known she wouldn't be. Tess didn't hold grudges, not to mention she'd always been more self-aware. And... well he'd forgiven her hadn't he? Just because he'd understood when she'd left didn't mean it hadn't broken him, but he still loved her. Was it so impossible that she loved him too? That she'd forgiven him?

Could it finally be time for them to be together? To be happy?

Jay looked into her eyes and knew the answer was yes. He let out a heavy breath and nodded, trailing his fingers down her cheek before he tugged her back into him and kissed her softly; he may not be ready to forgive himself but he could take hers. For everything they'd been through, for the future they had to look forward to, he would take it.

To whatever end.

They stayed that way a while longer until she pressed a kiss to his chest and slowly rolled off the bed, padding into what he assumed was the bathroom, and he took a moment to glance at the clock on her nightstand before following. 7:08AM. Normally he was at work for 8AM but he didn't care if he was late. Not today. His eyes went wide as he walked into what was indeed the ensuite, hardly even looking at her as he stopped in front of the sink and turned so she could clean the scratches on his back. She'd clearly meant it when she said she was boujee. She'd always liked nice things, he and Mouse used to tease her about her love of fancy wine, but this was a whole other level. The bathtub alone would easily fit both of them, head to toe, with the kind of high back she'd always talked about. The kind in her fantasy novels. And then there was the shower. It was also massive, with strange reddish-purple tiles, and he hadn't realized he'd been leaning to get a better look until Tess snorted softly and then he turned to her, unable to stop his smile as she switched their positions but now he chose to watch her. Her calm expression as she ran the cloth over his back, far gentler than she needed to be, the way the fingers of her other hand danced across his skin and her eyes occasionally met his in the mirror, both their lips quirking up whenever they did. She pressed five soft kisses against each cut when she was done and then another over his heart when he pulled her into him, both of them taking a moment to bask in the other until he offered to make them something to drink. When she nodded he pulled back, tucking some hair behind her ear before he headed downstairs; part of his head was still spinning but for the most part he was calm.

This was the way they had always been. No matter what was going on in their lives they had never changed the way they were with each other. They'd made it a point not to and he knew that as difficult as things were going to get that would stay the same. It was the rest of the world that was going to have to adjust.

Aelin was still sprawled atop the island when he walked into the kitchen but she lifted her head and let out a meow so he went over to scratch under her chin, smiling when she began to purr. He was amused to find her following him as he put the kettle on and turned to the coffee machine, which must be there for guests since Tess wouldn't touch the stuff, fiddling with it for a minute before he figured out how to work it. Once he did he started rifling through the cupboards, doing his best to memorize where things were kept until he spotted the Tetley, his girl was a creature of habit, and then stilled completely when he saw the coffee behind it. There were several different bags, a light roast for Vivienne, Arabic coffee for Nysa, espresso for John and Michael, and then a small bag of his own favourite brand. And not the one he'd liked five years ago but the kind he drank now, a dark roast Will had put him on just a couple of months ago. She must have picked it up when she'd come back.

It didn't surprise him that she had it, or that she paid such close attention, but it still struck him to see it. To think about her going out of her way to get it for him without even knowing when he would be around to drink it. If he would be around judging by her reactions last night. She'd really believed that he wouldn't want to see her. Jay couldn't stop his guilt from rising but he channeled it towards Tess, reminding himself that it was his turn to care for her, to do what was best for her. And right now that meant pushing his feelings down and making sure this morning went as smoothly as possible.

He made sure the coffee was brewing and her tea steeping in a to-go mug before he headed back upstairs, stopping near the top when he spotted her standing by the bed. She'd changed into a pretty purple sweater and black pants, with a new pair of glasses perched on her nose, her face soft as she stared down at his shirt, and he could practically hear the debate going on in her head. Whether it would look better or worse if he went into work wearing the same thing as last night versus what they might think if he wore something they didn't recognize. He decided to cut her dilemma short, watching as she looked up and smiled as he walked over before he took his shirt out of her hands, holding her stare as he tugged it over his head. After last night he was pretty sure his team already had a good idea about the nature of their relationship and he didn't want anyone, especially Tess, doubting what that relationship meant to him. He knew she could read that in his eyes because hers dimmed, not from his intention but from her own guilt, so to bring the light back he smirked and dropped his pants, wiggling his butt at her as he grabbed his briefs. She let out a bright laugh just like he'd hoped and as soon as his jeans were on she slipped under his arm and hugged him tightly, smiling against his chest when he gave her a squeeze and kissed her on the head. He took a moment to check her injuries, frowning at the cut on her temple before she pulled him into the bathroom and tossed a spare toothbrush at him, his eyes tracking her as she changed the bandage.

It was just past seven-thirty by the time they were ready to go and he couldn't help but chuckle at the face she made as she poured his coffee into another to-go mug while he added cream and sugar to her tea; she may think it was gross but he'd never understood how she could enjoy something so sweet, never mind with such a small amount of caffeine. Especially considering all the late hours she put in staring at computer screens.

He stayed quiet as they began to drive, watching from the corner of his eye as she took out her phone and shot off a text, whoever was on the other end responding immediately, and then listened attentively but with great confusion as she played a couple voicemails. Russian always sounded angry to him but she didn't seem bothered by what she was hearing, least as far as he was able to tell. Her face remained as collected as it had last night and he was starting to realize that it wasn't something she did on purpose but rather what she was used to now. How she was used to being. He wondered what had prompted the change, and if there would be any new subtle cues she gave off that he could learn, but quickly pushed those thoughts back. Now was not the time or the place to delve into that line of thinking.

Especially because she was putting her phone down, flashing a smile as her eyes ran over him.

"Everything's good on my end; there won't be any blowback on your team, or the department." He nodded, about to ask if there would be any on her, but she continued. "Is there anything you want me to know about them? To… do or not do, say or not say?"

It was a fair question but also a loaded one, and at first one he didn't particularly feel like answering, but the more he actually thought about it the more he could picture it. The easy comradery she would find with Kevin and the way she would team up with Kim against Adam, how she would take the younger officers under her wing. It would take longer with Hailey and Vanessa but he knew they would bond, knew all the women would defend each other fiercely. And then there was Voight. He'd feel sorry for the man if he wasn't looking forward to watching her put him in his place. Watching Tess talk to anyone in command was always a show.

"Part of me wants to say don't question how Voight got to his position but the other part knows I would really enjoy that." She rolled her eyes at his reference to the way she'd stood up to his Base Commander but he caught the slight upwards tug of her lips, just like he caught the beat of hesitation after it. "Just be you. That's who they're going to like."

He got that picture again, of all of them working together, of Tess sitting behind a desk in the bullpen, her desk, but then he got a different one. Of her other job, now her old. He knew she'd retired but he didn't know anything else, didn't know how things had been left or what she wanted now. Was she even safe?

"Is there anything I need to know?"

It was like an invisible weight settled over her as she shook her head and his stomach began to tighten. There was so much he didn't know. So much he should.

"Anyone you want to tell about me you can. You should. Starting Will."

Talk about a loaded topic.

The two had met at their mothers funeral and in the days after, his brother's affectionate nickname for her, Lilith, given during that time, and they'd gotten to know each other better at subsequent occasions over the next nine years. Now that their father was gone he was the only person who knew about her, aside from Mouse, though the two had barely spoken about her since Will had come back to Chicago. They had kept with her cover of being a civilian contractor so whenever he asked about her Jay said she was working. Every time, until finally he stopped asking. It wouldn't be easy to tell him the truth, not after keeping the secret for so long and especially not when doing so helped to keep her safe. And what about everyone else? Was she really okay with everyone knowing about her? Was he? He didn't want to put her in danger.

"I can't be more compromised than I already am."

His eyes shot to hers as he rolled to a stop at a red light but she just shrugged.

"Good guys, bad guys- my identity is out there. I'm safe, for the most part, but I'm… known. I'm not saying we should broadcast who I am but I don't want you keeping secrets for me anymore. Anyone you want to tell I want you to."

All he could do was stare. He was still learning to read her face but he could read her voice, the quiet honesty and soft acceptance. What had happened? And why didn't it seem to bother her? A honk startled him and he realized the light had turned green so he pressed the gas, taking her hand as he finally nodded in response.

He didn't know what to say.

A heaviness settled over him and a glance to his right showed it on her too, and as much as it hurt him to see it made him feel better too. He may not know what he was doing but neither did she; neither of them knew what to do, how to navigate this situation. It was going to take time to get adjusted but they would and considering how easily they'd already fallen back into old patterns he had faith they would be alright. So he gave her hand a squeeze and rubbed his thumb across her skin until she squeezed back, and when she looked at him he could tell she felt the same way. They shared a smile and then he turned his attention back to the road, though he kept her hand in his for the rest of the drive.

That weight threatened to surge once more as he parked but Jay shoved it down with everything he had. He could do this. Could handle the looks, the curiosity and mistrust. Things had gone well last night, there was no reason to think they wouldn't again. And all he needed was to glance to his right to remember why he was doing this.

Of course that didn't mean his stomach didn't tighten when they walked inside and Trudy's gaze shot straight to Tess, her brows raised in a familiar look of frank suspicion. But he knew Trudy, well, as much as anyone did, but he knew the kind of person she was, that she would be the first to give Tess the benefit of the doubt. Just as she had for Mouse. So when they stopped at her desk it was easy for him to smile at her.

"Hey Sarge. Tess this is Trudy Platt. She runs the 21st- with an iron fist I might add."

Her lips pursed at his smirk but in the way that meant she wasn't quite as annoyed as she portrayed. "Thanks for the flattery Chuckles."

Tess smiled at the nickname and he watched Platt note it, the older woman giving them a brief but thorough once over before Tess stepped closer and reached her hand across the desk. "Nice to meet you."

"Tess and I met when I was in Afghanistan." He explained as they shook hands.

"I heard." Trudy responded with a nod toward the bullpen. It didn't surprise him. "Everyone's up there." She gave them one final look then turned to two patrolmen who were having a spat, shooing them away. "What does this look like, a therapist's office? Sort your issues out somewhere else."

He shook his head slightly, yet another formidable woman, then headed for the stairs, automatically lifting his hand to the scanner and finding his gaze drifting to his right as he did. Her prints would work too wouldn't they? Her brow raised, eyes sparkling, and he grinned. Of course they would. He swung open the gate and motioned her up, and though every instinct told him to smother his smile as they climbed the stairs he kept it. He wanted, needed, to show his team how much he trusted her, though he didn't want to think about why he felt the need to hide from them in the first place, why he was so guarded around people he knew he could trust.

Everyone was waiting just like Trudy had said, sitting or leaning against their desks as they chatted, though the conversations died as they came into view, a wary tension building as they looked to Tess. Jay hated it. He wanted them to look at him that way, though a second look showed some of them were, mostly Voight, Hailey, and Vanessa, though he knew the latter was only doing so to have her partners back. Adam on the other hand looked like he could barely contain his curiosity while Kim and Kevin were giving the most open, friendly smiles, the latter giving him a nod of understanding that had a small wave of relief washing over him.

"Hey." He gave everyone a smile, watching with the rest of them as Voight came out of his office and he and Tess exchanged nods.

"Alright, uhm, proper introductions. This is Tess. Like I said last night we met when I was still in the Rangers; she helped our unit out a couple times." That was as much detail as he was willing to give on that right now so he began motioning to the others, pointing out everyone in turn. "And this is my team. Kevin Atwater, Kim Burgess, Adam Ruzek, Vanessa Rojas and Hailey Upton."

It was strange, so, so strange to watch them smile at her and shake her hand, to see all the people he cared about in one room, his two worlds coming together. Strange but nice, and then Hailey stepped forward and the sinking feeling in his gut came rushing in.

He didn't want to hurt her. Had never wanted to. And he could see that Tess didn't want to either, caught the slightest flex of her hand as she squeezed, no doubt trying to show Hailey that she didn't like this situation as much as anyone. And he saw Hailey note it, knew the face she would make in response a second before she made it, the tightness of her lips and the reluctant look in her eyes as she dipped her chin in understanding.

Fuck he hated this.

And he had no one to blame for it but himself.

Jay knew that, knew he could have shared more of himself with these people but it was always so hard for him. Having their backs in the field, against the brass was something he would never question, never falter on. But talking about himself? Sharing his failures, his regrets? He told himself it had been about keeping Tess safe but that was only part of it. A valid part, but not the whole picture.

"It's nice to meet all of you. Thank you for last night, you really saved my ass."

Crap. He pulled himself out of his head to see her and Voight pulling back from a handshake as she gave everyone a kind smile.

"I don't know, it looked like you were doing okay to me." Adam replied as he returned it, his curiosity on full display, with none of the apprehension the others seemed to share. There was a hint of admiration too, like he'd gotten a glimpse of what she was capable of and wanted to see more. Jay didn't blame him- he'd felt the same way.

Tess smiled in response and it was so warm that some of the tension in the room eased, his own included. "I know to take help when it's offered. Thank you."

"Any word from your friends?" Voight asked, bringing everyone's attention to him as she nodded.

"They reached out. They're not happy, Igor was trusted and they're not looking forward to replacing him but they're content to lay the blame on Ivan, though once he's in prison it's a good bet someone takes him out just for spite."

Voight seemed to have suspected as much because he just nodded behind him to his office. "I just got off the phone with our ASA, Steve Kot. They're going to squeeze as much information out of him as they can before he goes into Cook County, offer protective custody if he cooperates."

"If he's smart he will. Ivan's not suited to prison."

Voight huffed in agreement. "And the agency?"

"They're staying out of it. They don't really get involved when it's on our soil."

"Officially."

Though the word was mumbled it echoed like a nail dropped in a silent room, it's clattering filling the air with tension as everyone Vanessa. Her regret was clear but he still found his anger rising and had to fight to keep it down. It hadn't been that long ago she'd tried to help a young man with intense delusions, which had included paranoia of the government and CIA in particular, but her comment was still uncalled for.

"Sorry. I didn't mean-"

Tess just waved it off with a laugh, soft yet bright, and he watched everyone's guards start to lower. He'd forgotten how good she was with other people. Such the opposite of him. "No worries, I get it. The CIA's got a reputation. One that was earned for sure, but not really the way Hollywood portrays. If you're looking for your Big Brother trope it's totally the NSA."

And with that everyone relaxed, Adam helping to ease them along by bringing up some of their old cases, when they'd stumbled upon stolen NSA encryption chips and before that when they'd dealt with another man with delusions about the agency. Except Victor Cullen had been an analyst for the CIA, albeit one who took his forced retirement badly and used his inheritance to fund his own pseudo missions, along with his own personally curated team of operatives.

God that case had been hard.

He'd been so relieved when Al said he had a contact in the agency, when he could tell himself he didn't need to mention Tess, that there was no reason to, even if the knot in his stomach had grown whenever he looked at Erin. She'd had no idea something was wrong, no idea what he was hiding from the team, from her. The not so subtle glances sent his way told him he wasn't the only one remembering his silence on that case and though it wasn't surprising to any of them he knew it only helped to deepen the misgivings they already had. The misgivings they were likely to have about Tess.

He couldn't handle that. Couldn't be the reason they were looking at her like they were, couldn't be the reason she had to go through any more pain, not though any of it seemed to affect her. She was still smiling, her posture loose, at ease and confident, as if she didn't see the looks she was getting. But of course she could. And he knew she cared about them, that she was hiding how it affected her because she didn't want it to come back on him.

I didn't want to come back like this.

The words she'd spoken last night rang through his head but he was saved from having to consider them because she was speaking again. He really needed to focus.

"It was really nice to meet all of you. Thank you again for your help." She was giving another bright smile, though he caught her returning Voight's subtle nod.

"I'll walk you out."

The tightness in his chest came back as they turned to go and the closer they got to the entrance the sicker he felt, not even the fresh air as they finally stepped outside doing anything to calm him. He just stared blankly at the street until the car parked across the way caught his attention; a dark blue SUV, tinted windows, and a glossy sheen that told him it was bulletproof.

"Yours?"

He could have sworn Tess flushed. "Yeah."

"It's nice." He should say more, but he didn't know what. All he knew was he didn't want her to go. Jay made himself turn to her, memorizing the way the sun warmed her face and danced through her jet-black hair. "I'll see you later okay? I doubt we'll catch another case so if it's alright with you I can come by when I'm done?"

Her face went soft, really soft in a look he finally knew, her hand coming up to hold his arm. "Of course it is. My home is your home."

He couldn't stop the heavy breath that huffed out of him. It was what he used to say when she would try to pay rent, or if he felt she was tiptoeing around him and Mouse, like just because she wasn't there 24/7 somehow meant it wasn't her home too.

He didn't want her to go.

Her thumb started to rub against him, rather his shirt, he should have taken one of hers, something without sleeves so he could feel her better. "Do me a favour though?"

"Anything."

"Take your time."

Fuck that. "Tess-"

She cut him off before he could begin. "I know you'll be there, I'm not doubting that. But it's been a long twelve hours and you are entitled to take some time. So if you want to grab drinks with your friends or go home for a bit-" the former was something she knew he wouldn't want, the latter more accurate, but not without her. Never without her. But that she was asking at all told him it wasn't just for him. She needed him to be sure he wanted this, wanted her, so that she could be sure. His heart clenched.

"Whatever you need to do to… just promise me you'll do it."

Her voice hitched and his eyes shut at the sound, a silent nod all he could manage as he stepped closer and kissed the side of her head. Only for her could he let her go. After a moment he pulled back and nodded again, unable to help the roughness in his voice. "I promise."

"I'll be waiting okay?" Tess said quietly as she squeezed his arm. "I'm not going anywhere."

Not ever again.

He could see the truth in her eyes and it soothed him, enough that he could lean in and kiss her one more time. "I'll see you later."

"Later Ranger." She smiled again, God he loved that smile, and then she turned to go.

His eyes stayed locked on her as she crossed the street and got into her car, following as she gave one last wave before driving down the block and out of sight, and for several long minutes after he simply stood on the sidewalk, feeling like his heart had driven away with her.