Chapter 8
Jay didn't know how long he stood there, patrolmen and pedestrians forced to move around him as he stared blankly at where Tess had been but as he finally forced himself to go back inside he prayed it hadn't been too long. The last thing he needed was to be the new subject of the district's rumour mill. Every step he took deepened the pit in his stomach, turning what little food was left from yesterday into lead, but he refused to let his guilt or his shame show. Those were his burden to bear, not his teams and certainly not Tess's. He wasn't going to let any of this fall on her. So he returned Trudy's shrewd look with a steady, solid nod and kept his breathing even and his face relaxed as he climbed the stairs back into the bullpen, holding back a wince when everyone's eyes slid to him.
I didn't want to come back like this.
Tess's voice ran through his mind once more, as clear as if she stood beside him. He didn't want this either. Didn't want to deal with the looks and the mistrust and the judgement but what he wanted didn't matter. He had gotten them here and he needed to be the one who fixed it.
Though the door to Voight's office was open he could see his Sergeant on the phone so Jay decided to table that conversation for later, instead taking a seat at his desk and waiting as casually as he could for someone to bring up last night. It didn't take long.
"Hell of a shot last night man." Kim was already shooting Adam a glare by the time he looked up but his friend just gave her a confused shrug.
Jay knew he could brush the comment off, give a half assed answer that would shut the conversation down before it could begin but to what end? The only way they were going to trust Tess was if he gave them a reason to. So instead he leaned back and put a cocky smile on his lips. "And that's why Voight puts me in charge of the long guns and not you."
Adam rolled his eyes but huffed a laugh, as did Kevin, but his own tension didn't ease. Why was this so hard for him?
"How's her head?" Kim asked softly, nothing but genuine concern on her face. "It looked like a pretty good hit."
He smiled and gave her a nod. "She's alright. She's had worse."
Well that was the wrong thing to say.
Not only did it conjure images in his mind of all the times she'd been hurt but he could tell the others were imagining the same, wondering just what kind of trouble she'd gotten into. What kind of trouble she might get them into if last night was any indication.
Fuck he hated this.
"So how exactly did you guys meet anyway?" Adam wasn't even pretending to work anymore, unlike everyone else, instead leaning back in his chair, his feet propped up on one of his desk drawers. "I didn't think soldiers and spies had a lot of overlap."
"She's not a spy."
It came out sharper than he'd intended and Jay suppressed a sigh, taking a silent but deep breath to calm himself; his head felt like one of the targets at the shooting range, every thought a new hole ripping through the thin paper.
For Tess. You're doing this for Tess. So get your shit together.
"The SAC is the paramilitary arm of the CIA." He explained more softly. "There's two branches, Political Action, your James Bond kind of agent-" he quirked his lips at Adam, as much of an apology as he could give right now, grateful when the man took it with a subtle, understanding nod, "-and Special Operations, who're responsible for covert tactical operations. Sometimes they work jointly with the military, sometimes on their own, just depends on what the situation calls for. Tess's team worked with my unit to find and raid a Taliban compound."
Everyone was looking at him, eagerly waiting to hear more; from the corner of his eye he could even see Voight listening from where he sat behind his desk, his chair angled so he could look out the door. Jay hated it. It was too much, too personal, but he forced himself to keep going. He didn't have to share everything, he wouldn't, but he could share a bit more. For Tess.
"Actually she found it. Four months and our guys had nothing but three hours and she had it narrowed down to a five-mile radius." He couldn't help but shake his head as he remembered how quickly she'd worked, how stunned his Commanders had been. "Mouse was so jealous."
"Mouse?" Kev asked in surprise, Adam and Kim looking equally as stunned. Jay hadn't talked about his friend much since he'd gone back overseas but they knew how close they were, how hard it had been for him to say goodbye.
What would Greg say when he found out she was back?
Probably something along the lines of, took you guys long enough! Now don't let her go again dumbass.
The thought made him smile so for all the times he had stopped his friend from talking about her, from talking about anything Jay didn't want to discuss, he decided to give just a little bit more.
"If you thought he was good with computers Tess made him look like an idiot. Daily. They were always trying to one up each other; one time he hacked her iPod and replaced all her music with moose calls so she changed all the characters in his video games to women. And created several, very intimate relationships with some of the other players."
"Moose calls?" Kim asked with confusion as Adam and Kevin burst out laughing.
"His nickname for her." He explained with a soft smile. "She's Canadian. Dual citizenship."
Brows rose once more but he ignored them, taking a swig of his coffee as the memory washed over him. His friend had thought he was so clever, and even he had laughed when she'd run out of the shower, furious her music was gone but trying to hide a smile at the sounds coming from down the hall, amplified by the echo in the bathroom, but she had gotten him back twice as hard. And to drive home that he shouldn't mess with her she'd sworn if Mouse did anything like that again she would turn to photoshop, and instead of just sending the pictures to his gaming buddies she would send them to his family too. That had shut him up, but not for long. The various photos his mother received six months later of him dressed as a furry after he'd hacked her phone had made their truce last longer, but even then only marginally.
He couldn't help but smile at the memory, at how much the two of them relished getting into trouble, but it faded quickly when Vanessa spoke up.
"So you guys knew each other pretty well huh? Even after you came home?"
There was a tangible beat of silence before he nodded, forcing himself to focus on the way his lungs expanded with each breath as he answered her. He was going to have to tell them eventually, might as well do it now. "We were. We lived together, whenever she wasn't away on ops. Mouse too."
Silence once more.
Longer, heavier as they began to realize just how close he'd been to her, how much he must have cared for her, and then Vanessa nodded, her face the picture of simple curiosity. "So how long's it been since you've seenher?"
Rationally Jay knew she was only trying to look out for Hailey, wanting to gauge the strength of the relationship he had with this woman who was not her partner, but he still resented her for it. And by the way everyone's faces tightened they could tell. Even Hailey was shooting her friend a look to back off, but what was the point? He'd come this far, he might as well finish it.
"Five years."
The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop but he swallowed heavily and forced himself to continue, to keep his voice steady and his features relaxed. He couldn't do as good a job as Tess had but he tried. This was the part he couldn't mess up.
"She kept in contact but operatives don't get a lot of time off. Neither do we." He tried to shrug it off but his heart was in his throat, his stomach threatening to join it.
Was it longer than they'd imagined or less? What did they think about how big of a role she'd played in his life? About the fact that he'd known her longer than any of them, known her while he knew them?
For a moment he really thought he was going to lose the battle against his stomach but then Voight's voice suddenly boomed from behind him, startling everyone.
"How're those reports coming?"
He'd moved without any of them realizing it, now leaning against the door to his office with his brows raised, and in an instant they were back at their computers, the clicking of keyboards quickly filling the air. For a moment he just stood there, watching, and then he headed back in his office, catching Jay's eye as he did. Voight gave him the briefest nod, his gaze full of understanding, of sympathy, and Jay knew he'd interrupted to spare him from answering any more questions, from giving more of himself than he could bear. Whatever he'd heard, whatever he had said, it had been enough for his Sergeant.
But was it enough for him?
He hated this.
He'd finished his report. His coffee. A second report. He was debating getting a second coffee but found himself locked in his seat, just staring at the cup in front of him.
Jay hadn't been thinking when Tess gave it to him this morning that the others would note it, would know it wasn't his and be able to tell he'd spent the night with her. Not that he cared. It was the whole reason he hadn't let her give him a new shirt, because he wanted to show her, show all of them that he was in this. And it definitely didn't matter now they knew they'd been together, and were likely wondering if they would be again.
But he still couldn't stop staring at it.
It wasn't his, but it could've been. The dark forest green was his favourite colour, the double walled stainless-steel tumbler even as tall as he liked, enough for 20oz, and his hand wrapped comfortably around it. Had Tess bought it with him in mind? It wouldn't surprise him if she had.
He hated this.
Hated sitting here, staring at this cup, staring at his computer, trying not to stare at his team as they snuck glances at him.
Why was he even here? They weren't working a case, his report was done, and was hardly that important in the first place, so why was he sitting behind his desk instead of sitting in bed with Tess? Or sitting on her deck or in her sunroom or lounging on her sofa? Why wasn't he with her? Why had he let her go? He'd promised himself when she came back that he would never let her go again but he had, and less than twenty-four hours later. Why? It was a question he didn't have an answer to. Maybe wasn't ready to look for. But he needed to do something. So did he get that second cup? Write his reports and make it through the day, which was somehow meant to prove that things were normal even though they absolutely weren't? Jay had wondered earlier what was enough for him. Was he content to keep sharing little pieces of himself here and there, usually when it was least convenient for everyone around him? Or did he need to do more? Did he need to step up, not just taking responsibility for his choices after the fact but making better ones? Ones he could be proud of.
That at least was easy to answer. And also helped him realize what he wanted to do next. Of course it wasn't until he was standing in the doorway to Voight's office that he realized he hadn't thought of what it was he wanted to say but Voight was staring expectantly so he stepped inside and shut the door, the click of the latch seeming to echo as he took a seat in one of the leather chairs on the other side of the desk. His Sergeant tracked him but said nothing and Jay knew he wouldn't so he took his time, even going so far as to brace his arms on his knees, a rare display of distress for him, and when he was finally ready locked eyes with the man before him. Voight's stare was heavy, ready for judgement, but also soft. He knew who Tess was, what she meant to him. What he needed to know was if he could trust her. More than that, why he should.
And that was the easiest question in the world.
"The last time I saw her was after Lonnie was murdered. A few weeksafter that Mouse and I got a letter from her. Coordinates. I don't... I don't know how it happened, I don't have all the details yet but her aunt was murdered. And until last night I hadn't seen her since then. But..." Jay gave himself one breath, just one to steady the pounding of his heart, and then he continued. "I heard from her. Every time I was hurt or in trouble, I got something from her. A... a chocolate bar. Every time."
Understanding dawned quickly in Voight's eyes, his jaw softening as he realized what she'd done, how she would have done it and for whom. As he thought back to the times things had gone in their favour when they shouldn't have, when even he might have been surprised they'd gotten through a situation unscathed. And there was something else in his gaze too, something like recognition. Like he'd been told a truth but was only just starting to believe it. That was when it dawned on Jay that his superior more than likely had his own connection to the agency, someone he would have reached out to, and though that wasn't surprising the thought made his heart skip a beat. Tess had never had the greatest relationship with the agency, much like Voight and the department, and he was sure there were many there who would be quick to write her off. But was his contact be one of them? Judging by the ever-growing acceptance in his eyes, the appreciation, Jay knew he wasn't.
For a moment the two men just stared at each other and let the revelation sit between them. It changed things. For Voight, for the unit. He got that vision again, of Tess sitting in the bullpen behind them, not a cop but no less a part of their family, and knew that his Sergeant could see it too. Wasn't quite ready for it, but saw the directions things were headed all the same.
"I know I've screwed up. A lot." He said quietly, keeping his eyes locked on the man in front of him. On his boss, his mentor and friend. Despite how often they disagreed his opinion mattered to him, more than most people's. Jay wanted him to trust Tess. Wanted Voight to trust him. "But if there is one thing I know with absolute certainty it is that I believe in her. No matter how bad the situation is, no matter the risk she will always do the right thing. It's who she is."
He paused again, tried to gather his thoughts and clear his throat to remove the roughness from his voice but it didn't work. "I can't screw up again."
Jay didn't think he had ever seen Voight look at him with such softness as he was now, his chin dipping in understanding. "Do what you need to do. We can work a case or two without you."
He was gone in under ten minutes.
After a brief explanation to Kevin, who was as supporting as expected, he had an even briefer exchange with Hailey in the hall, which ended with him watching as she walked away. No words had been needed for her to understand where he was going or why. It ate at him that he was hurting her but Jay knew there was nothing he could do so he quickly grabbed his things and made to leave, delayed once more when Adam caught him at the door and made him wait as he hurried over to his locker, coming back with a small length of broken rope. The one he'd shot through to release Tess's hands last night.
"Didn't seem like the kind of thing that should be left in the dirt." His friend said with a shrug, unaware he was quoting almost verbatim what Mouse had said when he'd brought back the knife he'd shot from her all those years ago.
Jay didn't have the words to express what it meant to him that Adam had thought to take it but his friend didn't need any. He just clapped him on the shoulder and said they'd see him a few days, and that he was looking forward to all of them getting together at Molly's.
He drove away from the precinct in a daze but headed not to the marina like his heart begged him but to the hospital instead, knowing there was one more conversation he needed to have. Will was swamped with patients but stopped dead in his tracks when Jay said he was taking furlough. Was he really that bad at taking time off? His brother had pulled him into the on-call room for privacy and that was when it all came tumbling out, that Tess was back, the truth of who she was and what she'd done, why she'd been gone for so long. Will had been stunned, rightfully so, but happy for him, once he ascertained for himself that Jay was happy too. Ecstatic truth be told. Even after last night he hadn't felt as close to Tess as he did now, finally driving to her house with the rest of his life set to rights behind him, or at least on its way. He knew this was only the beginning, that there were still so many difficult conversations to come, headaches and heartaches but it was still a beginning. Their beginning. Their second chance.
And he wasn't going to waste it.
He parked where she'd told him he could, taking a quick moment to find her spot and look her car over once more, realizing when he did that it wasn't just bulletproof it was fully armoured, and then he hurried down the dock, anticipation thrumming through his veins. The only thing that slowed him down was that her door was locked but he'd only gripped the handle for a few seconds before the bolt suddenly slid back and it swung open, causing him to stumble inside. It didn't surprise him that she had his fingerprints but he hadn't expected a biometric scanner at her front door. And it wasn't a brand or a style he recognized, nothing he'd seen on the market. She'd probably designed it herself. But why? Since when was she so obsessed with security? The question, and it's obvious answer, caused the start of a very tight knot in his stomach but he breathed through it and shut the door behind him, following the deep but lilting melody that flowed down the stairs, a few steps from the landing when he caught sight of Tess and stilled.
She was training.
Sparring actually, twirling the staff in her hands as easily as if it were made of air, flipping it this was and that like it was child's play. To her it was. It wasn't a staff he recognized, not the rough wooden dowel she'd started with or the polished teak stave Nysa had gifted her; this was black, plastic he'd guess at first glance if he didn't know better. Whatever it was it was specially designed, also probably by her which meant it was good quality and likely very expensive. But to be honest he wasn't really looking at the staff. It moved too quickly for him too.
He was looking at Tess. The way she moved was effortless. It was a word that kept coming to mind when he thought of her, but it was accurate. She'd always been good but now... He could see the fight she was imagining, the opponents she fended off, the blows she landed and the ones that landed on her, the ones that would have landed on her if the people opposite her were real. He'd never seen anything like it. And he was even more impressed when the breeze switched direction and he caught a strong smell of marijuana. Even high she was graceful.
He must've moved to get a better look because the next thing he knew she was whirling, all that skill and intention trained on him for one split second before she relaxed and the staff dropped down to her side. Her brows furrowed as she looked him over, barely panting despite how quickly she'd been moving, and then she looked over at the bed, a slight glare forming in her eyes. A glance to his left showed Aelin sprawled across the bed, completely unbothered by the attention, or his presence he realized with a small jolt of delight.
Her cat liked him.
"Hey." Tess said softly, a slight flush on her cheeks as she put the staff down and turned off her music. "Everything okay?"
Yes. No. Not yet.
"Hell of a view." He said instead with a nod towards the harbour, finally moving from where he'd been standing dumbstruck at the top of the stairs.
"It's why I got an end lot. I didn't want anything to block it." She didn't call him on his non-answer, for which he was grateful, but he knew she watched as he walked out onto the deck and stared at the view before him.
It really was beautiful.
They'd always loved the water, first for their own reasons and histories and then because of each other, because of the countless hours spent down at the Riverwalk and along the pier, at the lake by his cabin and the ocean by hers. He'd just assumed that wherever she lived would at least have a good view but being right on it, getting to hear the waves crash against the dock... it was everything they'd ever wanted, even when wanting had scared the living shit out of both of them. It had always been between them, her job. His too, neither were immune to danger, but she was the one who had to leave, who had to go off and fight wars that weren't always her own. It had been a safety net for them, to talk about the future but not plan for it because they both knew it wasn't promised. And it still wasn't but he was tired of waiting. Tired of using whatever excuse was available to justify not fighting for her. He was done with all of it. So Jay turned to her, to the new Tess but still his Tess, and laid it all out on the table. "I'm taking furlough."
It looked like someone had hit her. Her face dropped and he saw all of it, the worry and guilt, and knew none of it was for her. "Jay-"
"You were right." He cut her off firmly, watching as with a blink she pulled herself back together. He hated how natural it was for her now but he also loved that she still could recognize his different tones and knew when arguing with him was useless, right now being the prime example.
"I do need time. I need time with you. Tess I've imagined this a thousand times. What I would say when you came back, what I would do, and out of everything I imagined the two things that always stayed the same were the ridiculous amount of sex-"
She burst out laughing and he couldn't help but smile at the sound, even though that was not something he'd meant to say, but did mean, and then ran his finger down her cheek, marvelling at the softness of her skin and the way she nestled into him.
Different, but still his.
"And that it was just us. That's what I need. I need you and me. I need you."
The way her eyes crumpled broke his heart. "You have me."
Tess moved closer, her hand coming up to rest atop his but the moment she touched him she froze, those sapphire eyes going wide before they dropped. Her whole face was suddenly full with emotion, too complex for him to decipher but he didn't need to understand it. All he needed was to see the hope as she looked at the ring on his finger. After leaving the hospital he'd spent a moment in his car trying to prepare for what came next but like earlier he'd found all he was able to do was stare at the coffee mug in the cup holder. It was his he decided. It was his now, the mug, the boat, all of it. It was his because it was hers and because he was hers. And then he'd looked to his ring and remembered the way her hand had trembled when she'd given it to him, the way her eyes had lit up when he'd slipped it on and how the wilderness in his heart had settled. So he'd turned it, pointing that heart, his heart, back towards the one she held. He was hers, and now that she was back he was home again.
Her eyes rose slowly, sapphire now swimming with tears, and he lost himself in them. "Promise?"
They cracked and he hated himself for asking but she took a breath and they steadied, even as her hands began to tremble, one taking hold of his as the other tenderly cupped his face.
"I promise that from the moment I left I have been fighting to come back. And I promise I will never leave again." Her voice was soft, shaky, but the strength and truth in her eyes never wavered. It was the last thing he'd needed, that final confirmation, and with it all his fear was gone.
But hers wasn't.
"I promise."
His heart broke alongside her voice, the pain and guilt for the first time written clear across her face and he had her in his arms before her next breath. Jay wrapped an arm around her while the other tangled in her hair, his lips pressed firmly to her temple as he breathed her in. "I believe you." Tess shuddered with such force he knew it must have physically pained her and cursed silently, trying to pull her closer without adding to her hurt. He hadn't forgotten the scar on her abdomen, even if she had. "I believe you." He whispered more gently and slowly she nodded, the tension in her back and shoulders easing as she slid her arms around him so to help her along he started to rub his thumbs in circles the way she liked, one at the top of her spine and one on her waist. Slowly they relaxed, their breaths falling into a familiar pattern, and the longer they stood there the more they both steadied.
"So, exactly how much is ridiculous?"
Jay couldn't help but laugh, smiling when he felt her press a soft kiss to his chest, tightening his grip as he pressed his own against the top of her head.
"Oh, records will be broken." He said softly, pulling back just enough so he could look down at her and absentmindedly tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He also hadn't forgotten how good it had felt to be with her last night, how right, and by the way she was staring up at him he knew she hadn't either.
And now they had nothing but time, time to remember and relearn each other. To just be with each other.
"Well in that case we should hydrate."
When Tess smiled his lips automatically lifted in return but he kept her close when she tried to take a step back, running his eyes over her. She was steadier now but he could still hear the pain in her voice, the bit of fear that he might not have believed her, and knew a few soft words weren't enough to send it all away so he brushed his thumb along her cheeks to wipe away what was left of her tears and then he kissed her. Softly, gently, none of the heat or hunger from a moment ago, and prayed she took it as the reminder he meant it to be. That it didn't matter how difficult the next few conversations might be or how bad they felt about the things they'd done. All that mattered was that they were in it together.
To whatever end.