Chapter 5

It was nearing one in the morning by the time they pulled into the back lot of the 21st Precinct and Tess was starting to get tired. Still she took it in, this place she'd heard so much about, and found herself admiring it; something about the worn brick and flickering fluorescent lamps seemed homey to her.

She waited for Jay to come around to her side as they parked, knowing he would want to help her down, and there was another moment as he opened her door, another flash into the past and this time just because she could, because she wanted to, she raised her brow at him. The spark that lit in his eyes as he stepped closer and gently lifted her filled her with joy, but the way his fingers trailed as he set her down had her reminding herself there was a line they needed to keep drawn. She knew he would never intentionally hurt Hailey but emotions were high right now and as much as she still loved him the last thing she wanted was to hurt anyone. So as much as it hurt her, as loud as the voice inside her cried that they were meant for each other, she would keep that line. Thankfully she didn't have to answer the questioning look he sent her way, both of them staying quiet as they followed Voight to the back door, almost when a voice called out through the darkness.

"Seriously Hank?"

It took her a second to recognize the man storming towards them but as he came closer she realized it was Chief Lugo, head of CPD's Bureau of Organized Crime. And he looked pissed. His hair was askew, his clothes rumpled like they'd been hastily thrown on, probably after being woken from a call from headquarters. Word must travel quickly here. Or maybe just when Voight's team was involved. Speaking of the Sergeant he seemed to have noticed the same thing because when she glanced at him she found a small smirk on his lips.

"We wake you up Chief?"

His superior gave a very unimpressed look. "You take on Igor Kuznetsov and you don't tell me? You don't even use backup!?"

"That's on me sir." She interrupted before things could escalate, stepping up next to Voight and Lugo paused and looked between the three of them.

"Who is this? Who are you?"

"Theresa Danvers. Former SAC."

She smiled in that way that agents did until a familiar look of resignation crossed his face. Everyone got the same one when they realized they had to deal with the agency. Even better in her opinion was the look when they realized they had to deal with her. Lugo turned to Voight who simply shrugged and then he sighed, the fight going out of him as he gestured to the door. She smothered her smile and followed the two men, Jay a step behind her.

"Way better than Bronson." He whispered as he grabbed the door. She held back another smile and gave him a look, resisting the urge to poke her elbow into his side like she wanted to.

The image of a red line was vivid in her mind.

It was quiet as they made their way through the building, only the occasional sounds of those on the night shift completing their duties so she took the quiet moments to familiarize herself with it, and more importantly with Jay. This was the first time she'd been able to see him in the light and Tess couldn't help but drink him in; the powerful legs within his jeans, the strong arms and broad chest behind his dark blue Henley, the chestnut hair, freckled cheekbones and chiseled jaw. It really wasn't fair that he could be this good looking. She caught him stealing glances at her too but this time they didn't lock eyes, almost as if they were taking turns, allowing themselves and each other the chance to get adjusted. To let this new reality sink in. It was something she knew was going to take a while, if only because they had spent so long thinking about it. Hadn't they always wondered what their lives would be like once she left the agency? She didn't think either of them had expected this. At least not at first.

A familiar heaviness started to settle in her heart but she breathed through it, pushing her dark thoughts back before they could form so she could focus on the task at hand. They were nearing Voight's office and there was still enough tension as they entered that she took a seat to make things less confrontational, grateful when Jay followed her lead and forced the other men to relax as they found their own positions around the small room. And then they took turns explaining their evenings. It turned out Intelligence had known Ivan had a meeting about a 'possible' weapons exchange but not with who, and so had gone to the shipyard hoping to get more information. None of them believed Voight hadn't planned on taking everyone in but her presence meant it didn't matter. He and Lugo agreed to keep her involvement out of the official record and in return she promised to help deal with the fallout from Igor's death; he was a major player in the Midwest and while taking him down was a win for multiple agencies the Bratva were not going to be pleased. That being said she didn't think it would be too hard to get them to back down, especially after she explained her role in things. If anything they were going to owe her. Tess also agreed to share any relevant information with CPD in the future, a promise she normally would have been more hesitant about making but decided was worth it. Regardless of how any of them felt about it something like this was bound to happen again and she wanted to make sure her relationship with the force was a good one. She owed it to Jay.

Chief Lugo left when they were finished, still looking resigned but a bit more at peace with the situation, and once he was gone Voight waved them off, telling them to look at her head before they went home. So she followed Jay to the locker room, straddling the bench in front of his locker and using the few moments he was gone getting the first aid kit to take stock of her injuries. The concussion was mild, the pain a distant throb just like the ache in her side and although her adrenaline was still coming down her mind felt coherent. Tonight was a lot to take in but she just had to hold on a little longer and then she could go home and sleep and process it all tomorrow.

"How's your head?"

She blinked and realized Jay had come back, first aid kit in tow, and though his presence was a sudden and painful reminder that she would be going home alone she quickly gave him a small smile. "It's fine."

"Well I've got some aspirin." He replied, shaking the bottle before he passed it over and sat.

She took it with another smile and popped two, watching as he took out a few bandages and antiseptic wipes and then turned so he could look at the cut on her temple. His hands were gentle, tender even, but there was still a current of tension in the air; the weight of everything they had to discuss. Tess couldn't understand why he wasn't more upset. As sure as she knew him he wasn't, despite having every reason to be. Every right to be. She'd left him, the one thing she had promised she would never do, teasing some sort of half presence but never actually there when he needed her, and he didn't even know why. And yet he was looking at her like he was the one who needed to apologize.

He didn't.

"I like it here. It seems... nice." She felt his eyes flick to hers but didn't meet them, instead taking in as much of the room as her limited view allowed. It was just like any other locker room, drab and slightly dank, with the same tacky patterns and unflattering fluorescent lighting, but she meant it. There was an atmosphere here, a tangible sense of duty and community. Exactly the kind of place Jay belonged. Exactly where she'd wanted him to be. Yes it had hurt that he hadn't come after her, hadn't fought for her, but in the end there wasn't a choice he'd made in the last four years that she begrudged him for. He'd lived his life, the life he'd chosen. That was all she'd ever wanted. "I'm glad you're here. You have a good job, a good team, good people in your life. I'm happy for you."

He just stared, long enough that she met his gaze, something she couldn't identify building in it until he took a deep breath and put down the bandage he'd been about to put on her temple. "Tess I'm not with Hailey."

She froze, unable to do anything but watch the regret building in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I know I've been with other people and I know you know that but I never- I never forgot about you, I never stopped loving you and I-"

"You're not with Hailey."

She heard his words but all she could see was the way he'd smiled that night. She knew that smile, the sweet tenderness he only showed to the women he loved. It was the same one he'd given her, and Ali and Erin. She hadn't imagined it, hadn't misread it; his feelings for his former partner were genuine. And she was sure Hailey returned them, sure she'd read the detective right too. But... they hadn't acted on them? Jay pulled her out of her head by taking her hands and brushing his thumbs across the back, and when she saw the guilt on his face her heart cracked. It wasn't his fault. He was right. She'd made an assumption and in doing so she had caused this mess. She could have done this the right way but she hadn't. Instead she'd hurt him.

Again.

"Look, I'm not going to lie to you, there is something there but we've never addressed it. I didn't want to. She's not the person I want to be with." She heard his words, understood them, but believing them... That was so much harder. And as if he knew it he cupped her cheek, bringing her eyes back to his. They were that soft mossy green, warm and reassuring and she couldn't help but sink into them. "Tess, I don't care how you came back. I don't care how long you were gone and I don't- I am not angry that you left."

He spoke slowly and calmly but she could see the emotion rising in him and could feel it in herself. She could also feel the truth of his words and part of her shied away, unable or unwilling to accept it but he just tightened his grip and pushed closer, leaning in until his head rested against hers. He was so close she could smell him, that intoxicating blend of earth and chocolate that soothed her soul and sent a shiver down her spine.

"The only thing I care about is that you're here. The only thing I care about is you."

A tremor ran through her and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting his words settle in her mind before she tucked them away. Because as much as she loved him it wasn't his voice Tess needed to listen to right now. It was hers.

She had spent the last three weeks, hell the last five years convincing herself she would be okay without him. That it was alright if he didn't want her and that even if he did she would have to work to show him she was sorry, to earn his trust back. But here he was less than an hour after seeing her again and he'd already forgiven her. He wanted to be with her. It was the damaged, broken pieces inside her that didn't understand why, that didn't want to accept what he was offering. That didn't believe she deserved it. They were big pieces, ones she was still working to accept, but just because they were the loudest didn't mean they were the ones she was going to listen to. No, she was going to listen to that inner voice, to the quiet whispers reminding her that she had forgiven him, still loved him after all the pain he'd caused her. That the bond between them was stronger than any distance or hurt and both of them knew it. Had always known it, known they were waiting for this moment. And she could either take what the universe was offering her or run from it.

She was done running.

She opened her eyes and found Jay still watching her, love and concern radiating off him and slowly brought a hand up to cup his face, gently brushing her fingers along his jaw, and when she let out her next breath she finally let go of that weight she'd carried for so long. "I really missed you."

A relieved breath huffed out of him and he tugged her closer, burying his head in her shoulder as she did the same. "I missed you too."

It took several minutes until their grips loosened, until they felt settled enough to let go and then they laughed off the rest of the tension, wiping each other's cheeks before Jay went back to patching her up. He finished putting the bandage on her temple, plus two more on her arm and wrist and she had to nudge his foot as he did the latter, giving him a look to tell him to stop feeling guilty. Yes technically he'd hurt her but it had been minor. And necessary. He nodded and then gave her his hoodie back, returning the first aid kit before he led her out and pausing with her as they crossed over the threshold; she couldn't help noticing the small glow at the far end of the hallway, the one that suggested someone was still in the bullpen. It was no surprise Jay noticed it too, or that he didn't hesitate to change direction, just smiled and stopped a few feet from the corner, leaning against the wall to signify he would wait. She gave him a smile back, brushing her fingers along his before she continued.

This next conversation needed to be between her and Voight.

The Sergeant was sitting at his desk, a slightly disgruntled look on his face and a glass of something, whiskey by the colour, in his hand, and he looked up as she gave a quiet knock. "How you doing?" He asked with a nod to her head, his eyes quickly running over her.

"I've had worse." She replied as she took a few steps inside, coming up to rest against one of his chairs.

For a moment they just stared at each other.

Tess knew how most people viewed her. Pretty, intelligent, talented to a degree but for the most part unassuming. And for the most part it suited her to let them think so because it made her work as an operative easier, and because she didn't particularly care about other people's opinions. She knew her strength and her worth and no one could take that away from her. But Voight wasn't most people, and being in Jay's life meant being in his, which meant it would be best for everyone if they got along. Luckily she didn't think that would be too difficult; they were almost surprisingly similar. Both believed in doing what was needed not what was told and because of it shared similar reputations in the force and on the streets, and though their methods might differ the most important thing to them was keeping people safe. Especially their people. All she needed to do to earn his trust was to be honest.

"This is not how I wanted this conversation to go. Not how I wanted tonight to go. But we're both smart enough to know that it isn't going to be the last time something like it does." Honestly given their jobs and the fact that Jay had been targeted before she was kind of surprised it hadn't already. "I'm not going to promise to tell you everything but I will promise to tell you what I can. And I promise to do my best to make sure your team isn't caught in any crossfire."

Voight's only reaction was to let out a soft grunt and look her over once more. The man had his own connections in the agency, possibly ones he'd already begun reaching out to based on the familiar mix of intrigue and disbelief in his gaze, but she could see he was grateful for the offer. For anyone that could keep his team, his family, safe. Finally he gave a small dip of the chin, a tentative understanding reached, and since that seemed as good a place to leave it as any she turned for the door, halfway there when he spoke again.

"Who is he to you?"

Tess met his stare, suddenly intensely protective, and let her own soften. "He's my home."

His brows rose slightly, some of that fierceness soothed, then nodded slowly. "Til' next time."

"Next time."

She gave a nod back and then left, taking a brief moment to scan the empty bullpen. Not the layout, which she kept memorized, but the small things, like what kinds of items were on the desks and who's looked to be who's. She could tell right away which was Jay's; no papers out of place, equal number blue pens and black, everything squared just so with not a speck of dust to be seen. That ingrained military discipline ran deep.

He was exactly where she'd left him, resting against the wall with his hands in his pockets and a settled look on his face. He didn't say anything as she approached, just slid an arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to her hair, and it was only when they got in his car that she realized they hadn't discussed where they were going. She'd assumed his place, and it looked like he had as well, but there was a soft furrow in his brow that told her he was curious about hers.

"Rock, paper, scissors?"

He smiled but shook his head. "Your call."

Of course it was. All he wanted was to make this easy on her, just like she wanted to do for him. Tess knew wherever they went what came next was going to be tough, and as much as she wanted to put him first she knew him well enough to know if she did it would hurt him more than anything else. And if she were honest all she really wanted right now was her bed. As long as he was in it beside her that was all that mattered.

"Want to head to the 31st Street Harbour?"

Surprise filled his face. "You live on a boat?" She just smiled and motioned for him to start driving and for a few minutes it was silent, but then, "You live on a boat." He repeated quietly, and when she looked over she found him smiling to himself.

Some of the tension she felt at taking him there eased and she felt herself soften, in the way she only did around him. "I've actually got several properties. I'm kind of boujee."

Jay let out a warm laugh and took her hand, and more of that tension melted away. Yes things were going to be hard but that was okay. They'd get through it together.