Chapter 8

Tess slept deeply, soundly, far better than she had in months. Years if she was honest. She always slept better with Jay. His weight and warmth kept her anchored when the nightmares rushed in, kept her safe from the memories that threatened to drown her. Without him beside her, without knowing she had him to return to sleep had been hard to find. For a while she'd even had to go on medication, after too many months of deprivation had come closer to killing her than any opponent ever had, but she hadn't stayed on them long. Not only because they dulled her senses but because she hadn't been able to bear them. To bear being reliant on anything or anyone that wasn't herself. That feeling wasn't quite as deep-seeded as it'd once been but it was still strong, still formed the DNA of who she was now.

And yet there were fingers running through her hair, so soft and loving she remembered when it hadn't been that way, when she'd loved openly and fiercely, her heart a badge of honour on her sleeve. She tried to hold onto the feeling, sure it was a dream, but they kept stroking and slowly the thumping of the heart beneath her ear pulled her into consciousness, the events of last filling her mind not like a flood but like a movie, pictures on a reel that danced behind her lids.

Jay was here.

He was really, really here.

He wanted to be here. To be with her.

As if to prove it he pressed a kiss to the top of her head and she smiled, pushing closer until every part of her was pressed into him. Into that enticing, inviting warmth. "Did I tell you I missed you?"

"Yes." There was a pause but it wasn't soft, wasn't as lulled or comforted as she felt and the haze of drowsiness around her started to lift. "Do you believe me when I say I missed you too?"

Tess was up in an instant and all it took was one look to see that Jay was wide awake, and likely had been for hours, the time spent not in slumber like her but sitting in guilt. Her heart began to ache at the pain etched in his face, his brows drawn together, lips tight, hunter eyes heavy. How many times had she felt the way he looked now? She reached out to cup his cheek, savouring the feeling of his stubble scraping against her fingers. "Jay just because you didn't come after me doesn't mean you stopped loving me. Just like my leaving doesn't mean I stopped loving you."

"You never left."

His eyes were hollow as he stared up at her, so solemn and sad it was an effort to not fall into them, to crumple on his chest and let their pain run through them. Part of her wanted to but she knew better, knew what they needed right now wasn't to break but to build each other up. What Jay needed was for her to build him up, to soothe him the way he had done for her last night.

"I don't care that you didn't look for me. I don't care that you didn't come after me and I am not angry that you were with other people." He knew she was right. She could see it in his face, just as clearly as she saw his forced denial. It had her sliding her hand down and gripping his chin, forcing his eyes to stay on hers. "We went our own ways. I don't blame you for that. And I don't blame myself for it either."

It had taken her a long time to reach this conclusion. To not just say the words but actually believe them but she had. She did. Even though there were still moments when her own guilt threatened to crash over her with the force of a tidal wave Tess understood that just because they'd loved each other didn't mean they could be together. Not then, not at that time. But it wasn't just that they'd made their own choices, they had made the same choice. She had chosen her job, her life, and Jay had chosen his. And though letting go had hurt she knew it was the only thing they could have done because if either had sacrificed their career for the other they never would have been able to forgive themselves. They'd had to go their own ways. But they hadn't had to keep loving each other. Keep hoping for a future that wasn't promised. Those had been choices and they meant more to her than any pain or distance or happenstance of fate. Through all the darkness she'd endured that was what had gotten her through. sure they had a lot to unpack and it wasn't going to be easy but they would. They would do it and they'd be alright. They'd be happy.

After a long moment Jay's eyes opened and whatever he saw in hers seemed to convince him of the same. He let out a heavy breath and then nodded, his fingers brushing her cheek before he gently tugged her down, his lips taking hers softly before he guided her back to his chest. Whatever she had to do to see this through, to bring them to that happiness, Tess would do it.

To whatever end.

They laid together a little longer, though she would've stayed there all day if she could have, until finally she forced herself to get up, pressing a kiss to his chest before she rolled off the bed and padded into the bathroom. It was already past seven and he normally started work at eight and the last thing either of them needed was to be late. Jay followed her, his eyes widening as he stepped into the washroom; they were both big lovers of long baths and hot showers and had often talked about each of their must haves if they were ever to buy a place of their own. He was obsessed with water pressure whereas all she really cared about was a tub large enough to lounge in. He seemed to move on autopilot as he stopped in front of the sink, automatically turning so she could clean the scratches on his back, already knowing that would be the first thing she would want to take of, and as she grabbed the cloth and ran it under the warm water she watched his head swivel from one corner of the room to other, his mouth slightly open in awe.

She'd hoped he would like it. She'd kept him in mind when she'd designed it, not as much as she had with the apartment but she'd still wanted him to be comfortable here, to feel at home. And by the way he was leaning to the side, trying to use the mirror to look behind them she knew he was impressed. She couldn't stop her snort as he twisted further, though to be honest she didn't really try to, and when he flushed she turned them around, giving him the chance to get a better look while she focused on his back. She took her time, one hand gently dabbing the cloth against the little cuts as the other danced across his skin, tracing every line and curve as his eyes tracked her through the mirror. Every so often their gazes would lock and their lips would quirk up, savouring the sight of each other, of them together, and when she was done she pressed a kiss to each little scratch, then to the spot above his heart as he turned and wrapped his arms around her.

Jay held her for a moment before offering to make them drinks and she accepted, noticing as he walked away that he was indeed wearing her sweatpants backwards. It made her smile and she let the feeling it brought sink in as she brushed her teeth. This was how things would be now.

The beginning of the new normal they would start to build. A life without the agency.

She mused on it as she slipped on her round black rimmed glasses and opened her closet, rummaging through for something to wear. It was a topic she'd thought about often, especially this past month, ever since she'd woken up in the hospital in Bangkok. It hadn't been her first near death experience, and it wasn't likely to be her last, but something had been different this time. This time continuing on as she had felt wrong. It felt... empty? Tess didn't know how to describe it, only that there was a feeling in her gut that told her if she didn't see what else was out there, what she could do, what she could be, then she would regret it for the rest of her life.

A pair of black pants caught her eye, fitted, soft Egyptian cotton that would be comfortable against her still irritated stomach and she took them, along with a slightly oversized lavender sweater; with her brown boots it would be a casual look but still appropriate, and hopefully one that would make a good second impression on his team, and as she slipped them on she remembered the last time she'd made such a life altering decision.

After Lydia had been killed.

She'd had to decide if she wanted to follow the rules, to quietly fade away and live a regular life, a life out of the shadows but locked in obscurity or if she wanted to forge her own path. To go against all convention, break every rule the agency had and fight for what she wanted. Fight how she wanted. Following her heart had been the most difficult thing she had ever done but also the most rewarding, which was why despite the knot in her stomach as she picked up Jay's clothes and absentmindedly debated how it would look if he wore the same thing as the night before she knew that doing so now was right move.

A slight rustle had her looking up and her lips bloomed into a smile as she found the object of her thoughts standing on the stairs, leaning over the half wall as he watched her. After a second he walked over, a familiar possessiveness in his eye as he plucked his Henley from her hand and pulled it over his head; it seemed he wanted his team to know he'd stayed with her. Whether or not it was the smartest play Tess didn't linger on, mostly because then he smirked and dropped her sweats, wiggling his butt as he reached for his briefs. She couldn't help but laugh, even more as he shot her a wink, and once his jeans were on slipped under his arm to hug him tightly. He always knew how to make her smile. Jay squeezed back, kissing her firmly on the head before he looked at each of her injuries, his brows pulling together as his fingers ghosted over her temple. It had her tugging him back into the bathroom, tossing him one of the spare toothbrushes she kept around while she quickly changed the bandages; it wasn't that bad but she knew he liked to fuss.

Once that was done she led him downstairs, grabbing a spare to-go mug for his coffee, which he still drank black to her everlasting disgust, while he added cream and sugar to her tea, and then they were out the door, her eyes snagging on the clock on the stove it shut behind them. Quarter to eight. He would be late, but reasonably so.

As they hopped in his car she texted Liam to ask if he would have hers dropped off at the precinct, since it was still sitting a couple blocks from the club, and after he agreed she checked her voicemails. There were two, one from Dimi apologizing for the situation and promising he would personally speak to Alexei and one from Alexei himself a half hour later, a slightly begrudging tone to his voice as he too apologized for her 'unnecessary involvement' in last nights events. He reiterated Dimi's promise that the Bratva wouldn't seek retribution against CPD, though indicated Ivan may not be so lucky, then agreed to pass along what he said would be valuable information as part of said apology. She was a little impressed at how quickly it had sorted itself out, Dimi had called only a couple hours ago, then realized that Liam must have reached out to him directly, deciding to bypass the American outfit entirely. It was fair since they frequented his club often but still Alexei probably hadn't been pleased about it so she made a mental note to send her friend a bottle of his favourite whiskey in thanks. Even if he was the reason she'd gone out in the first place.

That done she put her phone away and turned to Jay. He'd stayed silent the past few minutes but he'd watched her, and Tess had to supress the urge to sigh. They hadn't discussed her going in with him, both knew it was necessary, but she still wanted to check in. This was his house, his team, so she wanted to make sure she did this his way. "Everything's good on my end; there won't be any blowback on your team, or the department. Is there anything you want me to know about your them? To… do or not do, say or not say?"

He nodded but was quiet for a moment, a near unbearable moment, but then a small smile tugged at his lips. "Part of me wants to say don't question how Voight got to his position but the other part knows I would really enjoy watching that."

She rolled her eyes. She wanted to point out that she'd been twenty-three when she'd squared off against his Base Commander but she knew, and so did he, that time had not made her less likely to call people on their bullshit. The older she got the more comfortable she felt expressing her opinion, regardless of who she was expressing it to. And it was inevitable that she and Voight would have a throwdown at some point, but what was that going to do to Jay? To his relationship with his superior, with his team?

"Just be you. That's who they're going to like." The sincerity in his husky voice almost threw her but then his brows furrowed and her stomach started to tighten. "Is there anything I need to know?"

Tess shook her head and held back a sigh. There was so much they had to discuss, so much she had to explain, and though they probably should have had this conversation last night there wasn't time to delve into it right now. But there were things he should know. Things he deserved to know. "Anyone you want to tell about me you can. You should. Starting Will."

They shared a look at the mention of his brother.

She had known him almost as long as she'd known Jay but as far as his brother had been aware she was a simple contract worker for the military, albeit one who had a habit of getting into trouble. What he had said when she'd left she didn't know but he didn't look too keen on the idea of telling the truth now, though she had a feeling that had less to do with trusting his brother and more to do with her. Jay had spent a decade keeping her secret, from his family, coworkers, everyone but Mouse and Lydia. It wouldn't be easy for him to change that thinking, especially with his extremely protective nature. She waited until they came to a stop at a red light to speak again, wanting to make sure he heard what she said next.

"I can't be more compromised than I already am." His eyes were filled with concern when they shot to hers but she just shrugged. It had been a long time since she'd enjoyed any real level of professional anonymity. "Good guys, bad guys- my identity is out there. I'm safe, for the most part, but I'm… known. I'm not saying we should broadcast who I am but I don't want you keeping secrets for me anymore. Especially not from the people you care about. Anyone you want to tell I want you to."

He held her stare for a long moment, for once unreadable, long enough that the light turned green and someone behind them to honked and then he nodded, taking her hand in a firm grip as he resumed driving.

God there was so much to tell him.

A weight settled in her heart, heavy and dragging, and as if he could sense it he squeezed, his thumb rubbing across her skin and when she squeezed back they shared another look. The same heaviness was in their eyes but also the same wry smiles on their lips and she knew they were both thinking the same thing; that it was going to take time to get used to this new dynamic, their new normal, but they would. And though it wasn't always going to be pain free Tess was surprised at how quickly they'd already fallen back into their old habits. She'd expected there to be some hesitance, some level of awkwardness at least but they were as comfortable around each other as they'd always been. It was the rest of the world they needed to adjust to, and the rest of the world that would need to adjust to them.

Being judged was something she was used to.

When she'd first come to Chicago she had been the weird Canadian orphan, then at MIT the star pupil who graduated summa cum laude, and then she'd been the unwanted rookie, dropped of at the Farm with zero combat training or experience in the field of espionage. And then she had been the untamed operative, not just fighting with her instincts but living by them, everyday making split-second decisions that could save her just as easily as damn her. So having people look at her, having them assess her actions and try to assume her intentions was normal. Boring almost. What was strange was the idea of having that attention focused on her relationship with Jay, something that was so inherent, and had always been so private. But really, what was one more label? She could be the mysterious secret agent if it meant being with him. If it meant that one day his team might trust her.

Which was why as they walked inside his precinct and the Desk Sargent's eyes locked on her Tess didn't take the distrust in her gaze to heart. It wasn't surprising she knew who she was; there wasn't anything that went on in this district that Trudy Platt didn't know about, and on top of that she was close with Intelligence. If Voight hadn't mentioned her it was a good bet one of the others had.

"Hey Sarge." Jay greeted the older woman warmly, any lingering guilt gone, the heaviness lifted, his smile bright and sure as they stopped before her desk.

She knew part of that was for her, to show how comfortable he was around her, that she could be trusted, but it was obvious he liked the Sergeant and by the way her eyes softened as they came over the feeling was mutual. From what she knew he wasn't the closest with her, that was reserved for Kim, followed by the other two young officers she had taken under her wing, but they were still friends. Good enough that when Mouse had needed help re-enlisting Jay had gone to her. For that alone Tess respected her.

"Tess this is Trudy Platt. She runs the 21st- with an iron fist I might add." He said as his lips fell into an easy half smirk.

The woman pursed hers in response, but in the way that made Tess think she wasn't actually as dissatisfied as she appeared. "Thanks for the flattery Chuckles."

She huffed at the nickname and watched the Sergeant note it, along with how relaxed they each were, how close they stood, and let the calculating look she gave them roll off her shoulders. "Nice to meet you."

"Tess and I met when I was in Afghanistan." Jay explained as Trudy took the hand she extended across the desk.

"I heard. Everyone's up there." She replied with a jerk of her chin toward the bullpen, giving them one last look before turning to deal with two patrolmen who were having a quiet but noticeable squabble on the other side of the desk. "What does this look like, a therapists office? Sort your issues out somewhere else."

Jay shook his head as she began to shoo them away, no doubt having been on the receiving end of one of her tongue lashings, but his smile told her that he admired the woman. Greatly. His brows scrunched as he lifted his palm to the scanner situated before the gate to Intelligence's headquarters and when he looked over she realized he was wondering if her own would work. She smothered a smirk but raised a brow in response, they most definitely would, and he grinned as he held the door open for her, and though she felt the beat of hard hesitation that hit him as they began to ascend the stairs he kept it on his face.

She knew he did it for her, but instead of making her feel loved it made her stomach twist.

She felt like a wrecking ball, coming out of nowhere and smashing into the life he'd built for himself but right now that didn't matter. What mattered was that she made them trust her. Made Voight trust her.

The moment they came into view everyone turned from where they stood or sat at their desks, the idle chatter quieting as a palpable tension took it's place. Nothing resentful, for the most part, but curious, and more than a little apprehensive. Kim and Kevin seemed the most welcoming, unsurprising since they seemed to be the most empathetic of the unit, while Vanessa and Hailey were the most wary, though she understood the former was only trying to stick by her partner. Adam on the other hand looked almost elated, like a kid who'd found something interesting and couldn't wait to see more.

"Hey." Jay gave them all a nod, sticking close to her side as she smiled and dipped her chin to Voight as he came out of his office. "Alright, uhm, proper introductions. This is Tess. Like I said last night we met when I was still in the Rangers; she helped our unit out a couple times. And this is my team. Kevin Atwater, Kim Burgess, Adam Ruzek, Vanessa Rojas and Hailey Upton."

He pointed them out, each stepping forward to give her a smile and shake her hand, and though they were all kind the tension only increased when Hailey was introduced. She wasn't the only one to have noticed the feelings between them then.

Lovely.

There was a tight knot in her stomach and she could see the Detective wasn't enjoying the attention either so Tess gave the slightest squeeze as they shook hands, just enough so the woman locked eyes with her and she could show that she was sorry, that she didn't like this, didn't like coming between them. Hailey took it with the barest nod, reluctant and still wary but understanding; this was an unfortunate situation and they both knew it. And Tess knew that she was going to have to work to earn the detectives trust but she wanted to. She had no bad feelings towards the woman, in fact she admired her. She was intelligent, skilled and driven, and kind-hearted. As a police officer she was exceptional, but she was also Jay's friend, someone who had supported and looked out for him, and for that Tess owed her everything.

The moment was over in a second and they pulled back, some of the pressure lessened, and she quickly turned to Voight, giving his hand a shake and noting that the intrigue and disbelief from the night before had grown. This time she knew he'd spoken to someone about her and although the urge to find out who was strong since his wariness hadn't seemed to have grown as well she pushed it down.

The less she invaded his privacy the better.

"It's nice to meet all of you." She said with another smile, making sure she met each persons gaze. "Thank you for last night, you really saved my ass."

"I don't know, it looked like you doing okay to me." Adam replied with a smirk, looking her over with open interest and appreciation as he leaned back against his desk.

He reminded her a bit of Aditi, the young East Indian woman she'd recruited to their team a few years ago. Honestly, Tess recognized a part of herself and her friends in every member of the team in front of her, recognized their strengths and the values they held to, though they still had a way to go in the secrets and communication department. It hadn't taken long for her to offer them the same protection she gave Jay, not that they were aware.

Did Jay know?

Of course he understood that she'd kept an eye on him but did he understand how much? Probably not. The extent to which she'd gone… he'd call it her ultimate stalker mode. Vivienne certainly had. But she'd had to do it. Had to look out for him, and that meant looking after his team too. Would he tell them? She didn't think they would be too pleased to learn she knew all the secrets they'd worked so hard to hide but she also knew it wasn't her call. It was his, and if he chose to tell them then she would back him. Always.

"I know to take help when it's offered. Thank you." She gave another smile and a bit more tension eased.

"Any word from your friends?" Voight asked, bringing the attention back to him.

She gave a nod. "They reached out. They're not happy, Igor was trusted and they're not looking forward to replacing him but they're content to lay the blame on Ivan, though once he's in prison it's a good bet someone takes him out just for spite."

"I just got off the phone with our ASA, Steve Kot." Voight said as he motioned to his office. "He figured as much. They're going to try and squeeze as much information out of him before he goes into Cook County, offer protective custody if he cooperates."

"If he's smart he will. Ivan's not suited to prison."

The Sergeant let out another one of those huffs, this time in agreement. "And the agency?"

"They're staying out of it. They don't really get involved when it's on our soil."

"Officially." The word was muttered but at that unfortunate moment when no one else is speaking and there was a sudden beat of awkwardness as everyone looked to Vanessa. She was already hiding a cringe. "Sorry. I didn't mean-"

"No worries, I get it. The CIA's got a reputation. One that was earned for sure, but not really the way Hollywood portrays. If you're looking for your Big Brother trope it's totally the NSA." She waved her off with a soft laugh, keeping her voice light, her face relaxed, kind, and the tension eased once more.

The conversation moved on when Adam recalled a few of their old cases, the time they'd helped recover stolen encryption chips for the NSA and another when they'd dealt with a delusional former analyst for the CIA. She'd heard about that after the fact, and had actually helped the agency to set up a way to better keep track of their old assets, should such a situation arise again. The number of former agents and analysts they'd found participating in illegal activity had been unnerving.

Still, though everyone relaxed Tess remained aware of the eyes constantly flicking her way; the tension may have dissipated but the curiosity had not. Every move she made was informing their opinion of her and while being what they needed to see was a delicate balance Tess knew how to hold it. And knew that she needed to. However kind they might be, however skilled, they were still cops. They didn't understand what it meant to be an operative, what that world was like and once they found out it going to make them nervous. It was a natural reaction, a consequence of working with the agency and something agents learned to accept quickly; another layer in the wall between you and the rest of the world. And she knew it wasn't her job to ease them over it but she also knew she was going to.

Because she wasn't the only one getting questioning glances or being assessed.

Jay hid it well but she could see what it was doing to him to have her here, around the people who were closest to him but until yesterday hadn't even known she existed. He was blaming himself for not mentioning her, and probably actively ignoring the fact that doing so could have put them all in danger. And what exactly was he supposed to have said?

That he had an ex who worked for the CIA?

Who had disappeared but occasionally sent him chocolate in the mail?

Who still kept tabs on him, and therefore them?

A small, tiny part of her brain whispered yes, he could have, that he'd trusted these people with his life he could've trusted them with his secrets too but she pushed that voice away. Because it didn't matter what he had or hadn't done, what mattered was where they were now. What mattered was that he had to explain her now and it wasn't going to be easy. And if she could help, if she could make that process just a little less difficult for him then she was going to.

So she kept the smile on her face and the ever-growing heaviness at bay, soothing herself by imagining the hot shower she would have when she got home.

"It was really nice to meet all of you. Thank you again for your help." She said as they finally wrapped up, giving everyone one last smile and returning the subtle dip of the chin Voight sent her way.

Til' next time.

She didn't know what that was going to look like but Tess prayed it went smoothly.

"I'll walk you out." Jay said, the rest smiling and waving as they headed down, Platt giving them another nod.

They were silent as they walked outside they paused out front, moving off to the side so as not to be in the way of the busy entrance, and sure enough her SUV was parked across the street. Jay tilted his head towards it. "Yours?"

Of course he'd spotted it. He'd probably already detected that it was armoured. Would he think she was being insane? Or was he wondering why it was necessary?

She needed to get out of here. She needed to breathe, to think.

"Yeah."

"It's nice."

There was a beat of silence, not uncomfortable but uncertain, and then he turned towards her, his eyes running over her. Taking her in like he didn't know when he would see her again. "I'll see you later okay? I doubt we catch another a case so if it's alright with you I can come by when I'm done?"

Her heart clenched tightly and she brought her hand up to his arm. "Of course it is. My home is your home."

It was what he'd always told her anytime she'd started to feel like she was taking up his space, or tried to offer to pay rent- which he'd never allowed. No matter what he was always there for her.

She rubbed her thumb against him, unable to help the smile that tugged at her lips when his hand came up to cup her elbow. "Do me a favour though?"

He was nodding before she finished speaking. "Anything."

"Take your time."

"Tess-" His brows furrowed immediately but she cut him off.

"I know you'll be there, I'm not doubting that. But it has been a long twelve hours and you are entitled to take some time. So if you want to grab drinks with your friends or go home for a bit, whatever you need to do to process… just promise me you'll do it." She wasn't able to stop the way her voice caught on the last word and his hand tightened, his eyes shuttering as he took a step closer.

That was all she wanted. For him to put himself first, to attend to his needs before her own. To make sure this was really what he wanted, that he wasn't just reacting to the circumstances.

And she knew he understand that because he nodded and pressed a kiss to her temple, holding it there for a moment until he nodded once more and pulled back, his voice suddenly husky as he looked down at her. "I promise."

Tess squeezed his arm, trying to tell him with her eyes that they were okay. "I'll be waiting okay? I'm not going anywhere."

Not ever again.

He read the words she didn't say, his own eyes softening as he leaned in and gave her one more kiss. "I'll see you later."

"Later Ranger." She gave him one last smile, etching his face in her mind, the freckles across his nose and the way the sunlight on his skin made his green eyes pop, and then she crossed the street and hopped in her car, giving him one last smile and wave before she pulled away.

Jay was still standing on the sidewalk when she finally drove out of sight.