Chapter 9

All she could think about as she drove was Jay.

The image of him watching her go was seared in her mind, as was the inexplicable knowledge that he had stood there for long minutes afterward. She pictured him finally walking back into the precinct, how Trudy would look at him now Tess wasn't there to force some level of politeness, the looks his team would give him, the questions they would ask. The explanation Voight would demand.

She had done this to him. Put him in this position.

She hadn't meant to. Hadn't wanted to, but wishes and wants didn't matter. Only the truth, and the truth...

The truth was this sucked.

The truth was it wasn't anyone's fault but everyone was blaming themselves. Jay was blaming himself and she couldn't bear it.

She couldn't bear any more hurt.

Tess drove to the marina by memory, not really paying attention to what went on around her but still aware of it, of the people who went about their lives and Dave the retiree who owned one of the other houseboats, automatically returning his smile and wave from where he sat on his rooftop patio. Same spot he could be counted on to be found every day from 6AM to 6PM, when he finally went inside to watch the news and old war documentaries. She liked Dave. He'd started keeping an eye on her boat when she wasn't in the city and then made a habit of calling her over to chat when she was, and even if he did love to go on about his time Vietnam he was always kind and never stuck his nose in anyone's business.

Before she knew it she was walking through her front door, stripping down as she climbed the stairs and tossing her clothes on the bed, blindly making her way to the shower until finally she stumbled in and turned to its highest setting. The heat took her breath away with a gasp and she welcomed the accompanying sting, tilting her head up so the water could run down her face. She'd struggled with cold showers ever since leaving five years ago, the association to Jay too strong, but she'd still needed a release so she'd done the opposite; it hadn't taken her long to adjust and she'd relished the change, the opportunity to feel all she burned with instead of numbing it.

And right now she was burning.

So she slumped back against the tile, and with a shuddering breath finally let all the emotions she'd kept under tight control since last night reign free. There were a lot of people who believed crying was a weakness, especially in her line of work, but she'd never believed that. For her it was cathartic, a way to release the weight she carried and see clearly again. And Gods did she need that right now.

She had been on guard from the moment those men had come at her in the alley and this was the first time she'd been able to come down, the first time she could think without Jay's presence influencing her. Because when it came to him... they'd always been so connected, so in tune that it was like being one person. With one look they could tell what the other feeling and with another they could usually tell why, and though like any healthy relationship they'd had boundaries at the end of the day they'd told each other everything because they'd always wanted to. And it wasn't that she didn't want that closeness anymore, half her tears were from relief, but things were different now.

Tess was different, and it was important to her that she find the same balance with him that she had with everyone else, between what she wanted to share and what she needed to keep for herself.

Slowly her tears died and she caught her breath, and after a few more minutes of letting the heat seep into her skin she finally stepped out. She took her time as she dried off before slipping back into her pants and trading her sweater for a cream-coloured cropped crop top, noticing as she did little bits of red speckled on the sheets. From Jay's back. Her hand ran along the soft cotton as the memory rushed through her, the love and pleasure intermingled until all she knew was Jay. The need she'd felt for him last night had been visceral and she still felt an ache when she thought about him, a heat that was only cooled by the knowledge they would be together again.

They were together again.

A wave of joy and peace hit her with the thought and she smiled, the dopey grin staying on her lips as she changed the sheets and remade the bed, though it began to slowly dim when she finished and took a spot in one of the lounge chairs on the upper deck. She brought her bong with her to help clear what was left of her headache and a few swipes through her phone had her finding a playlist she was in the mood for, something low with a rhythm she could lose herself in, and then Tess started a full process of the last twenty-four hours.

On its own the situation with Ivan and Igor was inconsequential. It wasn't the first time someone had thought they could get a leg up by taking her and it wouldn't be the last, and all things considered last night had worked out as well as it possibly could have. The good guys got a win and she got a favour, and more important than any of that it had brought her back to Jay.

Jay.

Her breath actually caught thinking about him and she almost choked on the smoke. There was so much that went with reuniting with him, so much she had to explain. And not just to him, but to her own team. To David and Aditi who had learned all their stories and been convinced they'd find their way back to each other. To Nysa and John and Michael and Coulson who had been so disappointed in her for not telling him what was happening and then so disappointed in him for not trying to find out. To Vivienne who hadn't called him by his actual name in three years, instead preferring to rotate between a series of belittling insults. In some ways her best friend had taken their separation even harder than she had, and unlike Tess had yet to forgive him. It was cowardly but she wondered how they'd respond if she sent an email to let them know what had happened. Maybe a group text? And then she could shut her phone off for a couple days?

And then there were her friends here in the city. Most would be easy, the boys would likely be the most curious, and Is was bound to ask a dozen questions, and make a dozen more comments, but it wouldn't be anything she or Jay couldn't handle.

But what of the others?

People not as friendly as Liam who'd also known about Jay, known who he was and that he was to be left alone. Alexei and Dimi already knew he was involved in last night, it wouldn't take long until others realized he was back in her life and not all of them would be willing to stick to the old rules. She already had precautions in place to keep him and his team safe but she would have to double check them, see what could be improved upon, what other safeguards she could add. And how far should she go? How many people could she cover? She was already looking after Will and therefore had a close eye on the hospital and she kept a casual eye on Firehouse 51 too, knowing how often Intelligence worked with Chief Boden's crew. Hell they spent most of their time at Molly's, the cop bar that was owned by firefighters. It was only a matter of time until Jay took her there, until her life was as connected to theirs as his was. How long until they became targets too?

Her heart began to feel heavy, the clouds over the harbour suddenly bleak though only a moment ago the sun had been shining so Tess closed her eyes, easily falling into a pattern of measured breaths. Yes, there was a lot she had to do, a lot of responsibility on her shoulders but she could handle it. She would. And though the heaviness didn't dissipate she turned her attention to the gratitude that sat beside it, focusing on how overwhelming it was. How staggering. Because despite all that weight she knew that whatever came their way she and Jay would deal with it. They would find their way through this next chapter, the new him and the new her, working together.

Always together.

She basked in the feeling, letting the security it brought settle her fears, but it didn't take long until she started to feel restless. Her knee had the urge to bounce, her fingers already tapping rhythms on her thigh as her eyes darted around the wharf. She wanted to train. It was standard practice when she had something on her mind, or was bored, and even being injured didn't stop her. In fact Tess thought training while wounded was one of the best ways to improve because it forced her to find new ways to compensate, ways her opponents often didn't expect. It took all of sixty seconds for her to decide to get up, putting her bong to the side and pulling out her bo staff.

She'd designed it herself. Or rather, them.

Two retractable batons that could be connected to create one long staff, easy to keep on her person and perfect for fighting any number of opponents, in close quarters or open spaces. Not to mention they were made out of black carbon fibre which meant they were strong, lightweight, and virtually undetectable by metal sensors, which included the small tasers she had added to each end. It had cost her a small fortune to have them made but it was worth it; they were easily her favourite weapon, her polycarbonate knives a close second.

Tess fell into a pattern of blocks and strikes to warm up then began to freestyle, imagining a scenario to give her focus, a wall at her back with three attackers before her. Her stomach was still tender so she stayed as still as she could, shifting her feet when needed but otherwise allowing the staff to do the work for her as she twirled this way and that, blocking pretend blows and landing others, even pretending that some hit her the way they would in an actual fight. Her eyes fell shut as she gave herself over to her instincts, losing herself to the serenity that filled her whenever she sparred until the sudden creak of a floorboard had her whirling. The moment she caught sight of Jay the staff was down at her side, her brows furrowing as she took him in, along with Aelin who was now sprawled on the bed.

She shot the cat a mild glare. Thanks for the warning.

Despite having never met the man she seemed remarkably comfortable with his presence. It was rare anyone got so close without the feline alerting her; she was as protective of Tess as Tess was of her. And yet she was already treating Jay like she did her team, better than even. She was treating him like he was an extension of her.

Could she sense the bond between them? Was it a real thing? Pheromones maybe? Cats could smell that sort of thing.

That wasn't the point.

She might still be a little high.

She looked back to where Jay still stood at the top of the stairs, like he'd stopped mid-step to watch. His brows were raised in surprise but his eyes were filled with appreciation and he was smiling, soft but with a little smirk that told her he'd smelled the weed.

Busted.

"Hey." Tess finally spoke, giving him a small smile as she put the staff down and shut off her music, a quick glance at the time showing it was just past 11:00am. She hadn't been expecting him for hours, though if she were honest hadn't she known he wasn't going to make it past noon? He never stayed away when he knew she was hurting. "Everything okay?"

He nodded but didn't respond, finally stepping off the stairs as he motioned towards the harbour. "Hell of a view."

"It's why I got an end lot. I didn't want anything to block it." She replied, watching as he walked up to the railing and stared out at the water.

Jay nodded again but was quiet for a long moment until finally turning to her. "I'm taking furlough."

It felt like someone had punched her in the gut.

This wasn't what she'd wanted. He'd only just gone back to active duty, not to mention things were still unstable in his team with their new partnerships, and now he was going to leave? Because of her?

She felt like she was going to be sick.

"Jay-"

"You were right." He cut her off before she could even begin, his voice quiet but firm in a tone she knew well. He'd made up his mind and nothing anyone said or did was going to change it. "I do need time. I need time with you."

He sighed and shook his head, and there was a disbelief in his eyes that made her ache. "Tess I've imagined this a thousand times. What I would say when you came back, what I would do, and out of everything I imagined the two things that always stayed the same were the ridiculous amount of sex-"

She let out a startled laugh and he smiled, though the furrow in his brow and slight flush in his cheeks told her he hadn't meant to say that, and then he reached out and brushed his thumb along her own cheek, his face softening when she leaned into him.

"And that it was just us. That's what I need. I need you and me. I need you." The crack in his voice sent one straight through her heart.

"You have me." Tess whispered as she stepped into him, lifting her hand to where his rested on the railing but freezing the moment she touched him. The moment she felt the ring on his finger.

She saw his eyes soften just before hers fell, all the breath escaping her as she stared down at the ring. He'd flipped it around, so the heart once more pointed towards his. Like… like she was back and that was all he needed to be home again. That crack began to spread.

Jay's face was twisted when she brought her gaze back to his but he didn't look at her with any less love. "Promise?"

The question was like a knife to the heart but one Tess knew she deserved. She took a deep breath, unable to stop her hands from trembling as she took his and slid the other to his face, gently brushing her thumb along his jaw.

"I promise that from the moment I left I have been fighting to come back. And I promise I will never leave again." Her voice came out breathy, not at all the steady vow she'd meant it to be, but she kept her eyes on his and let him see that it was true. That she hadn't let anything stop her from coming home to him. That she'd never stopped wanting him. "I promise."

Her voice finally broke and the minute it did he yanked her into a tight hug, one hand sliding into her hair as he pressed a firm kiss to her temple. "I believe you." Jay said hoarsely, and a tremor more violent than she'd expected ran through her. "I believe you." He repeated softly and she nodded, closing her eyes and fisting her hands in the back of his shirt as his head rested atop hers.

His thumbs began to rub circles, one at the top of her spine where he cupped her head and one on her waist, and that coupled with the steady thump of his heart beneath her ear had her slowly relaxing. They fell into a pattern of measured breaths, their chests rising and falling together, and the longer they held each other the more they both steadied.

"So." She said quietly after a few moments, shifting so her voice wasn't muffled by his shirt. "Exactly how much is ridiculous?" Tess felt the familiar rumble of laughter that reverberated through Jay's chest and smiled, pushing closer as he pressed a kiss against her head.

"Oh, records will be broken." He replied as he leant back and tucked some hair behind her ear, more than a hint of hunger in his gaze. He'd always had a thing about records, seeing how far they could push each other, how long they could last. The ache she'd felt earlier returned.

"Well in that case we should hydrate."

Jay returned her smile but when she went to pull away he tugged her back, holding her stare as he brushed his thumb under her eye and wiped away what was left of her tears, and then he kissed her, softly, sweetly, and she took it as the reminder that it was. That no matter how hard the next few conversations were, no matter the pain and guilt they were bound to feel, they were in it together.

To whatever end.