Chapter 10

Tess let Jay hold her for a few more minutes, because he wanted to, because she wanted him to, because it had been so long since she'd felt so safe and loved. But she knew she couldn't stay there forever so she forced herself to pull away, to lead him downstairs where she quickly put the kettle on to boil. It was habit, part of the ritual they'd formed years ago, and they did it whether they wanted tea or not, partly because it gave them something to do while they gathered themselves. Whenever one of them was upset, whether they'd had a bad day or woken from a nightmare, when they had something to talk about or just needed to sit together in silence; chamomile was Jay's go-to and earl grey was hers. Vanilla if she could find it. And just because things felt calmer didn't mean there wasn't still a charge to the air, one that wasn't going to dissipate until they had discussed everything they needed to. Until she had told him everything she had to. And doing that, telling him those things… Tess would use anything she could to help her keep her calm.

She watched Jay from the corner of her eye as she grabbed a couple of mugs from the cupboard and placed them next to the stove, tracking him as he slowly moved from one end of the kitchen to the other. He looked at everything, from how the appliances were laid out to what was inside each cupboard, which she had the distinct feeling he'd have done even if the doors hadn't been made of glass, and she had to smother a laugh at the face he made at her lobster salt and pepper shaker set. David had picked them out. He thought they were hilarious and for that reason, and that reason alone, she loved them. She only turned away for a few seconds to get the cream and sugar, none for him in tea either, the weirdo, but by the time she looked back Jay had gone from the kitchen to the dining room, from content and fascinated to grief stricken, and it only took a step in his direction to figure out why.

He was staring at a photo of Lydia.

Of the four of them together, she and Jay and Mouse, all bright eyes and broad smiles. Her heart began to ache at the happiness in their faces, the happiness that had been taken from them.

It had taken her a long time to let go of the rage she held for her aunt's murder, for all she had lost. Not just her aunt and her friend and the family they had made together but a mother figure, the second to be taken from her, the last connection she had to her family, the last of her blood. There were no more Danvers or Ryan's, no one but her to carry on her family line. And she couldn't even do that, now could she? The weight of that particular burden was still fresh, still burned with the scar tissue in her side, but the rest… there were still times the anger and heartache reared their ugly heads, threatening to devour her whole but Tess no longer felt as lost as she once had. Her aunt had made a sacrifice, the kind same she was prepared to make everyday; her life for the life of someone she loved.

How could she be angry with her for that?

"I know it's not the home you're used to, but it is yours."

Lydia slung an arm over her shoulder as she came up beside her, pulling Tess into her side as they stared at her new room. It was small, smaller than the one across the hall, the one that was meant to be the two-story brownstone's second bedroom since the first, her Aunt's, was located on the main floor, but Tess hadn't wanted the other one. It was too big, with too much room to move around; ironically she felt like she was going to suffocate, like all that extra space gave the memories that constantly threatened to rush her more room to do so. So instead she'd asked to have the one that was meant to be an office, the one with the window seat that looked out onto the street. She still hadn't decided if she liked the view, Chicago was so loud, so bustling, especially compared to Victoria, but she liked the window seat. She'd always wanted one. And Lydia had promised they would go shopping tomorrow, that she could get anything she wanted to decorate her new space, not that she wanted much.

What was the point? Things were just that, just things, and one way or another they would get left behind.

"I don't know what to say."

Tess turned to see her aunt looking at her sadly, and for a brief second she was filled with rage. She hated that look. It was the same one everyone gave, the same one she'd been getting for weeks now, but the second passed and her anger passed with it. Lydia was getting that look too. She was feeling the same pain, the same hopelessness and helplessness.

"I don't know what you're feeling, I don't- I don't know anything. Your mom used to have reservations about letting me babysit."

"You did drop me a couple times."

Lydia's lips turned pursed into a wry smile as she shook her head. "Once. I dropped you once."

"You banged my head against the ceiling multiple times." Tess retorted.

"It is not my fault you were an extremely aerodynamic baby." They shared a smile, both their eyes quickly filling with tears, and then Lydia pulled away and turned Tess into her. "I don't know how to do this. But I will. That's my promise okay? No matter what you need, I will do it. I will always take care of you. Always."

She'd kept her promise. Through every angsty teen outburst and college all nighter, through the tortured calls home her first few months at the Farm and the giant, incessant care packages through the rest of her training. Through every op, every injury and breaking of her soul Lydia been there and she had put her first, to the very end. She had been the most remarkable woman Tess had ever known and she refused to remember her as anything but, refused to waste the sacrifice she had made.

But Jay wasn't there yet. He had loved Lydia like a mother, the second to be lost to him too, and just knowing she'd been gone wasn't enough. He had questions and he deserved the answers. He deserved the chance to grieve.

"She loved you." She said quietly, keeping her spot by the stove as his head whipped towards her. "Both of you. I know you know that but I needed to say it. She even included you in her will."

His brows rose and he walked over, watching as she put tea bags in the mugs. "She did?"

She nodded. She hadn't even known her aunt had a will, or that she'd included them, but it hadn't surprised her when she found out; she had loved them like they were her own, called them hers, it made sense she would want to make sure they were looked after when she was gone. "Yeah. She left you all her cooking stuff."

He laughed and rolled his eyes but she could see the pain that hit him, that he was trying so hard to hide and had to swallow past a lump in her own throat. Lydia had loved to cook for them. Loved to show her love by having them over for dinner and keeping their freezers fully stocked. She could see that Jay was still trying to gather himself so she gave him a moment, turning away to fiddle with the cups, thankful when the kettle began to whistle, but before she could pour the water into the mugs he asked another question.

"Did she suffer?"

Her eyes closed automatically, with pain, with guilt, and she put the pot down slowly, flicking off the burner before she met his stare. She could see how much Jay hated to ask it, just as much as she could see how badly he needed an answer.

"Come sit with me." Tess said softly, leaving the tea behind them as she led him over to the couch. Rituals be damned- it wasn't like either of them were actually going to drink it.

Her sectional wasn't small, she'd made it wide enough that John could sleep on it comfortably, since her behemoth teddy bear needed a lot of space, but as they sat the distance between them felt like miles so Tess scooted closer, sharing a small smile with Jay when he did the same, and then took a deep breath. This was going to hurt, there was no way around it, not with everything she had to explain, and it was going to hurt him the most, but though she knew she couldn't stop it there was one thing she needed to make clear first.

"There wasn't anything you could have done. There wasn't anything anyone could have done."

His jaw ticked but he nodded, swallowing heavily before he spoke. "What did they do to her?"

"They didn't have her for-"

"What did they do?" His eyes pleaded with her to tell him, the hunter green near overflowing with the emotion he was trying to hold back, but the grey in them was steel. He wasn't going to back down until he knew the truth.

"They beat her. And when she didn't give them what they wanted they shot her in the back of the head." She spoke softly but her heart broke as his face twisted, as he let out a shaky breath and looked back at her photo; his knuckles were white his hands were clenched so tightly but she kept going. "She never told them anything. She let them think she knew where I was even though she didn't. And when I found the man responsible he said she was a bitch just like me. Apparently she kept telling them to fuck off and that her niece was going to kick their asses."

She couldn't help but smile, still sad beyond measure but so proud of the strength her aunt had shown, and even Jay huffed a laugh, though the tears that had gathered in his eyes grew.

"Who was he?"

"Keyon Akhone, a South African arms dealer." She answered without hesitation but her heart was in her throat, every muscle in her body screaming even as she forced them to be still, to stay relaxed. This wasn't about her grief it was about his. "Six months before I had burned his warehouse and effectively his business to the ground. He wanted payback."

"What happened to him?"

"Do it." He hissed, his fair, usually pretty face distorted with hate and rage. "Fucking do it already."

She didn't respond and the force of her knife on his throat didn't lessen.

It had been five days since he had killed Lydia. It felt like one to her, like one long, endless nightmare, the only discernible change found in those moments when the bottomless pit of fury inside her took over the silent, emotionless husk. Tess didn't know which she preferred and found herself switching between them intermittently, using each as a reprieve from the other. They, being her and her team who had insisted on doing this together, a word she was trying not to hate, had spent the last two camped out in this vacant apartment, tracking Keyon his men, learning their movements and routines. There were a lot to watch. He'd holed up in a warehouse in his home city Johannesburg, twenty hired guards on top of the five who were his personal body-men. He was expecting retaliation and she planned to give it to him.

She just hadn't decided how.

And then tonight while she'd been on watch something had come over her. A new emotion, not numbness, not rage, not entirely, but something equally as powerful. Something that felt like truth. She had given a decade of her life to this fight and she didn't regret one minute of it but she was done doing it anyone else's way. She was done being a ghost. Whatever she was now, whatever she became, she was going to be undeniable. Unassailable. And with that the other thing took over completely, packing her body with knives and guns and ammo while her friends lay sleeping, unaware of the beast that had been woken; they were going to be beasts themselves when they did but there was little they could do. They'd come this far with her after all.

The only thing that kept any part of Tess herself was the tiny, crumpled piece of paper in her pocket, worn more in the last five days than it had been the last nine years. I believe in you too. Only he could remind her who she was and what she was fighting for.

It took her less than ten minutes to disable the cars outside the warehouse and knock the guard's unconscious, five more to slip inside and disable those jeeps, but that was where her ease ended. She barely heard the shout when someone finally spotted her, just clicked the safety off her guns and fired back, and though she tried not to kill unless she had to she never stopped moving, never let anything get in her way. Tess shot until she was out of bullets, slashed and stabbed until her hands were dangerously slippery with blood, broke bones and rammed heads into concrete and metal until men twice her size lay crumpled on the ground. She couldn't hear herself screaming but sometimes the look they gave her made her wonder if she was. Finally she found her target, some primal part of her so pleased to see him hiding that she nearly took a bullet but those same instincts saved her until that man lay prone, and then there was no one in her way. Keyon called her a bitch, a whore, mocked Lydia's death but she just sat atop him and felt his pulse throb against her blade. She wanted him dead more than anything but a tiny voice whispered that if she killed him it would change something in her, something she wasn't willing to lose.

Soft footsteps at the door let her know her team had caught up and as they entered the room behind her she could feel the weight of their stares, the weight of their anger and shock. It was justified. Not even she had realized how far she'd come. What she was capable of.

"How many?"

Nysa answered. "Eleven."

She hadn't killed that many. Hadn't needed to.

Her lips curled into a dark smile and she reached out with her free hand to grip Keyon by the chin. "You're going to prison. If you're lucky, if you show remorse, one day I might let you out. But in the meantime you are going to tell people what happened. You're going to tell them my name and what you did to me and the fact that out of the twenty-five men you hired to keep you safe I only needed to kill six before I got to you."

Her nails dug in so hard she broke his skin, her eyes flaring when she watched him nod, when she felt his fear take root and then she withdrew her knife and stood, not even bothering to look at him as she left. Her team worked silently beside her team as she tied up the rest of his men and hauled them outside, deciding to leave them on the street for the locals to torment before the police arrived, and then they stood on the sidewalk and watched with everyone else as she emptied every last container of gasoline she couldn't find.

The last time Tess looked at Keyon was as she dropped the match that set the warehouse ablaze.

The living room came back into focus slowly, the cries of seagulls replacing the groans of injured men, the smell of her vanilla diffuser replacing burnt oil and smoke, the feeling of emptiness inside her replaced by the warmth of the man next to her. She could feel Jay's knees pressing into hers, his eyes on her face, the concern radiating off of him. She hadn't answered his question.

How long had she been sitting here, lost in the past? Still he didn't push her, just sat patiently by her side, holding her hand as his thumb brushed gently across her skin; she hadn't even felt him take it.

She didn't want to tell him what she'd done.

Not Jay who had always believed in her more than anyone. Because the girl she'd become, the girl she'd turned herself into... he wouldn't have believed in that girl. Tess had barely believed in her, had spent the last three years trying to forgive her, forgive herself. And all those broken pieces were whispering that it was too much, that he wouldn't understand, that she couldn't go back to the way things had been and she didn't know if she believed them. If she believed his old promise that nothing would ever change the way he thought about her. But she believed in herself. She had overcome this kind of heartache before, she could do it again. So she met his gaze, both overjoyed and terrified by how easily the soft mossy green could settle her.

"He's serving a life sentence. But he was just the first." She watched his brows furrow, his grip on her hand tightening as that concern grew but she just shrugged. It wasn't scary to her anymore, wasn't hated or unexpected. It just was. "There was a breach. Someone got through the agency's server and took a dozen personnel files; we still don't know who. But they sold them, to a middleman who sold them as fast as he could to whoever he could."

That question, that lack of an answer for who was responsible was a deep, unresolved rage in her soul and she knew he could sense it. Knew he shared it. One day that debt would come home, and maybe if they were lucky they would get to pay it back together, but it wasn't going to be today.

Tess took a breath and cast her gaze outside, letting the view of the water calm her before she continued. This was the part she was most afraid of. How did she explain fifteen months of nothing but a raging, relentless, crusade? How did she explain the choices she had made knowing full well the consequences they would have, not just on her but on everyone in her orbit? How did she explain that as awful as some of those choices had been she still didn't regret them? She couldn't. Not in one conversation. But she could start.

All she had to do was start.

"I felt like I had lost everything. Not just Lydia but you and Mouse, everything I'd wanted for myself, for my future. So I went to war. Against the people who wanted me dead, against the agency when they tried to stop me. I tried to do it my way but I still killed to do it, and the way that I did... I didn't just expose myself. I turned my name into a weapon, into a target too dangerous to go after. Not that some people don't still try." She shrugged again, hoping the action would help keep things light but it didn't work.

Jay was silent. Stunned.

He'd done his best to keep his reactions to himself but she didn't need to look at him to know him, to know the way he thought. He was angry. At what she'd had to go through, at the fact that he hadn't been there. And he was scared. Not of her as so many were but for her. For what this had done to her. Maybe even for what it meant for them, though she may have imagined that.

It was such a him reaction that it lessened some of the hurt inside her and she was able to breathe more freely. "It took me a long time to work through that anger. To accept what I did. To stop blaming myself… stop hating myself for what I became but I did. For the most part."

"Good."

His voice was that soft, husky baritone, thick with emotion but clear in conviction, the same confidence in the hands that held hers and squeezed gently. She knew this Jay. This was her Jay. The one who was so sure of her, so sure of who he thought she was that he trusted her above all others, who had a terrifying, almost reverentlyblind faith towards her that she had never fully understood but always done her best to be worthy of. It took her a moment to be able to face him, her fear was rooted deep and she was ashamed to say that her faith in him wasn't as strong, but when her eyes finally met his it was like the ground dropped from beneath her and she was left struggling to hold on as the world reordered itself around her.

The way Jay looked at her was different. It was stronger.

"But if you thought any of that was going to change the way I think about you, the way I feel about you, you're stupid."

A small, startled laugh bubbled past her lips and his answering smile was immediate, bright and light and full of love as he pushed in, pressing his head against hers as he ran a hand down her hair, and for the first time Tess didn't just think everything was going to be okay she felt it. It was a peace and a stillness no one could bring out in her quite like he did and even though it still scared her she let herself fall into it, into him, until the only voices she could hear were his and hears.

"I always understood why you left Tess." He whispered, his hand running gently down her hair. "I don't blame you for it, or for anything you did while you were gone, I-"

"You want to know why I didn't tell you."

It was a fair question, and one that no longer scared her to give.

She made to pull back so she could but had hardly moved before he let out a frustrated huff and gave a quick, hard tug that had her falling into his chest as he scooped her legs up and draped them over his. In an instant she fell back into him, slipping her arm over his shoulder as his slid around her back, her fingers automatically and absentmindedly playing with the hair at the nape of his neck; it was a position so familiar it hurt and she couldn't help but remember all the moments she had felt his phantom around her just the way they were now. How long had she waited for this? She breathed him in as he pulled her even closer, that tantalizing blend of earth and chocolate lowering almost every defence she had.

"Nothing you say changes this. Nothing."

"Nothing." She promised as she took his hand and laced their fingers together, her heart clenching when a shudder ran through him. Tess was tired, more than she'd ever been, but more than anything else she was tired of being alone. She wanted to be with Jay and she was done holding herself back. So she took a minute to steady herself, to steady herself in him and then took a breath, smiling when he squeezed her fingers.

Just a little bit more and the hardest part would be done.

"The obvious reason was that it kept you safe. My being gone didn't stop you from being targeted but it-"

"How many?" He squeezed her fingers again when she paused and gave her a very dry look. You think I didn't know that was a possibility? An eventuality?

"Twice." She said softly, watching warily as he inhaled deeply and nodded, his lips quirking after a second.

"Thank you. For those times, and for all the others." Just in case you thought I didn't know about those either.

Her eyes moved down to the little dip in his throat as she nodded, that was a conversation that could definitely be saved for another time, and before she knew it he was kissing her cheek. She could feel them going pink even as she shrugged it off, rolling her eyes when he did it again with that soft, cocky little smirk and motioned for her to keep going. He loved flustering her, and even after fourteen years he still had a knack for it.

"Reason one was that it kept you safe. Reason two... I was still an operative. And I don't just mean the job, being gone or being in the field; I drew a line, between myself and the agency and it was worth it but there were consequences. It was hard enough to put my team in the middle of that, I couldn't bear to do the same to you, to yours. Although you guys do seem to enjoy picking fights just as much."

His grip on her tightened as he huffed a laugh but this time it wasn't light or soft, and after a moment he looked away, his eyes dropping to their clasped hands. The only thing they had ever truly disagreed on was the way they viewed the government, and authority in general; Jay was inclined to trust the system whereas she was inclined to distrust those who ran it, which was ironic considering she trusted people more than he did. But it hadn't taken long until even her Boy Scout realized that the agency wasn't like the military or police force, that they represented a whole other side to the system, a much darker, more cynical side. And yet even they hadn't been enough to keep her away, not really. Because the truth was she'd decided to leave the moment she'd found out what had happened.

"But reason number three, the real reason I didn't tell you…" Tess felt his gaze shoot to hers and took a breath, trying to centre herself before she met it. It didn't work but she looked to him anyway. "You would have come with me. You and Mouse, you would have done whatever it took to keep me safe and I loved you for it but that wasn't the life you'd wanted. It wasn't the life you'd chosen."

She'd asked him once, asked both of them if working for the agency was something they would ever consider. And though they were capable, though they respected what she did their answers had been simple.

No.

They'd done their time, their duty, and all they'd wanted was to figure out their lives at home. How could she have let them give that up for her?

She could see that even though it hurt him to hear Jay knew she was right, that he'd known her reasons all along but still needed the confirmation of hearing it from her. She could also see that none of them stopped him from feeling guilty, from trying to take responsibility, and it broke her heart. Her hand shook as she pulled it from his and brought it to his face, running her fingers through the stubble on his jaw; she hated this. Hated hurting him.

"I left because I had to." His eyes shot to hers and it was an effort to hold them but she did. She couldn't let him blame himself. "I stayed away because it wasn't fair for either of us to put our lives on hold. I knew I couldn't come back until I was ready but I promise I was always planning to, I did everything I could to-"

The next thing she knew his hand was in her hair, guiding her mouth to his and holding her to him as he kissed her, tenderly but deeply, so deep she couldn't breathe, couldn't think of anything but him, his lips, his hands roving over her. She could feel his forgiveness, his determination to never let her go again and as he pulled back and whispered that he believed her she swore another weight released from her soul. They were going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay.

"But from now on I'm with you okay? Whatever happens, whatever comes, I'm going to be there. Every step of the way."

Her heart broke again, not at his promise, or the need he felt to keep it, but at the fear that she wouldn't let him. For that fear Tess promised herself that she would. That however much it scared her, however her instincts screamed that she had to go it alone she wouldn't. They would be together, to whatever end. "Every step of the way."

A shudder ran through him and he kissed her again, deeper this time, pulling her closer until she could feel every line of his body against hers, her fingers tangled in his hair, her heart falling in sync with his. Both of them took the comfort they needed, soothing themselves with each other until finally the tremors running through them stilled and the urgency died down, but even then they didn't let go, content just to sit and hold each other. After a while Aelin joined them, curling up in her lap and bumping her head against Jay's chest until he began to stroke her.

"What do we do now?" Tess asked quietly, tilting her head up where it rested on his shoulder to look up at him; as long as she lived she didn't think she would ever get tired of the sight of him.

Jay paused for a second then smiled, and brushed his lips against her temple. "Whatever we want."