Chapter 2
Jay didn't seem to enjoy the wake anymore than she had.
It was strange for her, being on this side of things. She'd only been to two in her life, her parents and Luke's, and though her friends had hurt just as deeply it had been easier for the fact that the focus had been on his family, her team content to keep to the background. It also helped that they had already done their own tribute to their fallen comrade.
Michael had been the one to start it, a tradition carried over from his time in the Navy when his squadron would climb to the highest point of their ship to watch the sun rise, their way of honouring whoever had seen their last. She hadn't known until they were on the plane back that they had done the ritual without her after Hess had been killed, raw with the belief that they had lost not just Luke but her as well, so when they'd arrived at Langley they had done it again, going up to the roof to watch as the sun bathed the world in golden light. It had been heartbreaking, and though she'd had her doubts it had lessened the weight in her heart, and though it would never go away she didn't want it to. Tess wanted to carry it. And because of her team, because of the man next to her she could. Looking at him now she only hoped she was bringing him as much comfort as he'd brought her.
Especially because she was certainly bringing the attention.
Everyone was staring at her, just as much if not more than they were Jay and his family, a fact his aunt had not been shy about mentioning when she cornered her after he'd gone to use the bathroom. She'd found out later that Will, who had been chatting with them, had been lured away by one of her friends. Carol had been blunt, breezing right past any form of small talk to ask how she knew Jay, how she'd become a technical contractor, her civilian cover, the woman's intensity only lessening when Tess explained that her mother had been born and raised in Beverly, another prominent Irish neighbourhood. And she had a feeling Carol had shared that information because after that the rest of the guests had stopped sending such suspicious looks her way. Canaryville residents really didn't like outsiders. Which of course meant that the looks didn't stop, just turned from cautious to curious, all their sly glances telling her exactly what they were whispering when their backs were turned.
She hated it. Not because she couldn't handle it but because she was taking the attention that rightly deserved to be on Jay and his family. Not that they cared. Well, Jay and Will didn't seem to. She'd only had the briefest introduction to his father. He spent most of the night in a corner of the backyard with a glass of whiskey that his sister kept taking and his friend kept replacing and had barely managed a 'nice to meet you' before his eyes had dropped to her chest, like he could see the necklace beneath her dress. Both his sons had been quick to usher her away after that.
They tried to assure her they didn't care what anyone was saying, that if it wasn't her the neighbourhood ladies were gossiping about it would be someone else so she tried not to let it bother her, sometimes even using people's curiosity to her advantage, keeping their focus on her instead of the brothers, both of whom were struggling. It was clear neither liked the attention but Will seemed to handle it better, the charming Jay she knew apparently taking after his father when it came to uncomfortable social situations, though he didn't drink nearly as heavily. Whether that was because of her she didn't know, not that she would have judged him for it. Not today. But he did seem to take comfort in her and she took comfort in that, and in the way his fingers brushed against hers, graduating to soft caresses down her arm when he slipped his over her shoulder.
There hadn't been a person in attendance who hadn't noticed when he'd done it, not just for the act but for the bright laugh he'd let out just before.
Will had made some comment about how she was the only girl in the backyard with all the men so she'd kindly explained that it wasn't exactly easy to walk in heels, especially in grass, going so far as to take a lap to show them just how quickly she sank into the dirt. But she'd stumbled on her way back and of course Jay had caught her, laughing as he slipped an arm around her waist and then sliding it up to her shoulders when she tried to pull back. It had taken every bit of training she had to not go as red as a tomato but that didn't mean she hadn't gone pink, at least if the look Will shot her was any indication.
She didn't think she would ever understand where it came from, the inherent ease between them, but she knew she wouldn't ever take it for granted.
Before she knew it people began filing out and for the first time she left his side, joining his aunt in the kitchen to offer her help with the cleanup. The amount of food that had been dropped off was astounding but Carol had a system for getting them in the fridge that rivalled a Tetris champion so while she put them away Tess loaded the dishwasher. She did as much as she could until the older woman shooed her away, a sly smile appearing on her lips just as Jay popped up behind her. He took her out onto the small front porch, each pausing to breathe in the fresh night air. At least she did. She noticed after one deep inhale that he wasn't doing the same, instead staring blankly at the empty chair in the corner; judging by the sudden and intense look of pain on his face it had been his mother's.
She would do anything to get rid of that look.
"You know I'm home for at least the next week if you want to do something? Maybe tomorrow?"
His answer was immediate. "Morning?"
"9am?"
"Thank you."
He said it so simply, but with such genuine relief that her heart ached. How often had she wished for someone to be there for her after her parents had died? To keep her company, to keep away the persistent quiet that was only ever broken by the silent screaming inside her head? The idea of Jay suffering that same pain was unbearable and before she knew it Tess was hugging him as tightly as her arms allowed. She didn't want to leave him. But his family…
"You can do this." She whispered softly, absentmindedly rubbing her thumb along his jaw. "You just have to keep fighting."
The words he'd once told her echoed between them until his heavy breath filled the silence and then he pulled her closer. After another few minutes they broke apart again and though the tears in his eyes almost had her going back in instead she brushed them away before forcing herself to step back.
"Do you want me to walk you to your car?" His voice was hoarse, almost pleading, but she shook her head.
"I'm just up the block. You should be with your family. I'll see you tomorrow."
He nodded and smiled, as fake as the ones he'd been giving out all evening. "Tomorrow."
She nearly repeated it again but bit her tongue, his gaze like a brand as she walked away. When it didn't lessen she turned and spotted him still standing there, his movements stiff and forced as he lifted his hand before finally disappearing back inside the house. But now it was her turn to stare, another conversation replaying in her mind.
I'm going to need you to sleep in my bed at some point.
I promise.
This was insane. She was insane. Though that wasn't exactly news was it?
Well, at least to her.
Jay might have a different opinion.
Her toes scraped against the side of his house as she planted her feet and started to haul herself up, the wood worn so smooth she didn't have to worry about splinters. Tess hadn't even bothered going back to her car and had instead gone a block over into his neighbour's yard and snuck over the fence. Thank goodness for his teasing remark, for her 'stalking knowledge', that his room was the one on the far left. Of course as she jimmied the window open there was a moment of panic as she wondered whether he'd meant his left or hers but it only took a few seconds to realize she was in the right place; if the pictures hadn't given it away the smell would have. The whole room smelled like him, that earthy musk tinged with the faintest aroma of dark chocolate and for a minute all she could do was take it in, amazed at how instantly relaxed she felt, at least until the sudden sound of footsteps had her darting for his closet. She shut the door just as his opened, her heart going a mile a minute as she listened to someone enter, and then,
"You just going to stand there or are you going to say something?"
Jay.
He wasn't speaking to her. He couldn't be. Right?
She stared at the wood in front of her as if to confirm he couldn't see through it then looked down to make sure he couldn't see beneath it and then Will answered him, the softness in his voice bringing the heat back to her cheeks.
"They were right you know. She is pretty."
"Would you shut up already?" His response was immediate but there was no bite in it and his brothers became more teasing.
"Hey, she must be pretty special if you gave her Pops necklace."
She couldn't help shifting closer to peek through the small crack, nearly jerking back when Jay's head half turned towards her before he stiffened and looked back at Will, throwing something at him.
"It was my necklace; I can give it to whoever I want."
"I'm not saying you can't, I'm just saying it makes her special. You give it to her after you swept her off her feet?"
"It wasn't like that. It's not-" her heart stuttered when he did, "we were in a war zone. It wasn't like that."
"But you want it to be."
This was not good. She shouldn't be here, shouldn't be listening to their private conversation but... she wanted to know the answer. Wanted to know what Jay thought of her, how he thought of her. She'd thought of him often enough the past seven months. Hell every day she wondered how he was, if he was thinking of her too. She felt obsessed. Vivienne wouldn't stop teasing her, calling her out whenever she got 'her Ranger face', and even though Tess would smack her for it she secretly liked that her friend called him hers. That she seemed to understand the connection between them.
Especially because she didn't.
Boys were not something she had a lot of experience with, none really beyond a few childish crushes and one brief and blundering time at a dorm party when she'd been nineteen and even then the guy had left angry because she wasn't willing to go all the way. So zero real life knowledge coupled with a lifetime of fantasy novels meant that her expectations were entirely unrealistic, and yet Jay surpassed every single one. The way she felt about him... it was maddening. And he didn't offer any relief.
"Are you done giving me the third degree? I want to go to bed."
"I'm sure you do."
There was a soft thump followed by a laugh and she leaned in to watch Will toss a pillow at Jay, back at him she realized, what must have been retaliation for the innuendo in his voice.
"Alright, alright, I'm leaving. You mind if I borrow a sweatshirt first?"
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
She stopped hearing them, rapidly looking around for a place to hide. This was the place. There was nothing else, no space, no bulky items, just a gym bag and then she heard footsteps and dropped, flipping the cover of the bag over her just as the door opened. Her heart was in her throat but there was no gasp of surprise, no exclamation of any kind and a few seconds later the door was shutting once more, the steps retreating. There were a few more mumbles but she didn't try to make them out, frozen in place until the next click of a door sounded. An involuntary sigh slipped out but it was drowned out another, one that was much louder and empty of the relief that filled hers.
Jay.
Her heart gave a soft tug and she made herself stand, taking a deep breath to try and shake off her nerves before she slowly opened the door. Immediately she spotted him where he sat on the foot of his bed, his face already slack with shock as she struggled to speak past the lump in her throat.
"I have no idea how he didn't see me."
Silence.
Doubt began to creep over her as he continued to stare and when she spoke next her voice had fallen to a whisper. "I promised I would sleep in your bed."
Finally he blinked, his face softening before it twisted and then she couldn't hold herself back anymore. Tess launched herself at him before he'd had the chance to stand but he still managed to catch her, holding them steady as they rocked back and then his arms were wrapping around her, squeezing tightly and she pushed even closer, all her uncertainty gone. She was never uncertain around Jay. Of course that didn't mean she wasn't surprised a moment later when he suddenly pushed her away but as he rushed over and flicked the lock on his door she understood; she couldn't imagine what his father or brother would say if they found her but judging by what she'd seen tonight she didn't think the former would approve. The latter would probably tease them until Jay snapped- that seemed to be the kind of relationship the brothers had.
Speaking of Jay he was still standing there, his head slumped against the wood and just as she was about to take a step towards him he turned, a strange half a smile on his lips before he cringed. "Sorry, I just-"
"It's okay, I get it." She cut him off with a smile, trying to keep her blush to a minimum as his eyes trailed back to the closet and then over to the window.
"How did you manage that? I always had to help Ali up." He cringed again seconds after the question was out but she understood that it was still strange for him to think about her that way.
"I will admit that I have no idea how Will didn't see me." She said in response, watching as he took a seat back on his bed and waved his hand for her to follow suit.
"What did you do?"
"Ducked down and flipped the top of your gym bag over me."
He laughed so brightly she couldn't help but join him but they quickly shushed themselves, though her smile grew as his brows furrowed. "Oh yeah it was gross." She replied as she sat next to him, accurately guessing the reason for his blush. "But don't worry, I've smelt worse."
"So have I. On you." Jay grinned as she rolled her eyes then poked her foot. "And your shoes?"
"Hidden in a bush in your backyard."
He shook his head with another smile but his face went soft, his eyes slowly running over her before he took her hand and then it was her turn to blush, her cheeks burning at the weight of his stare as he tried to catch her eye. "Thank you."
She shook her head but he repeated it so she cupped his hand in hers. She didn't need his thanks. Not for this, not for anything. "To whatever end."
She flicked her eyes to his just in time to see them swell and then he was pulling her into him, resting his head atop hers as she breathed him in, savouring that chocolatey smell. It had never been her favourite dessert, ironically she favoured anything vanilla, but the longer she was around him the more she found herself craving it. Her eyes even started to flutter as he lifted a hand to her hair but then,
"You want to borrow something too?"
Oh.
Right.
Tess nodded slowly, watching as he got up and feeling a swarm of butterflies take over her stomach as she took the clothes he passed over.
"No peeking." Jay said sternly, but his quip did little to lighten her nerves as they each turned around.
Logically she knew this wasn't a big deal, they'd spent the night together before, not together-together but in the same bed, a much smaller one than this and yet for some reason this felt infinitely more intimate. Maybe because on the base there had been rules, boundaries they knew better than to cross. But here... here there was nothing. It was just her and him and all the things they'd never had the time to allow themselves to feel. She kept remembering when she'd gone to his barracks after her team had returned to ask if he would still stay with her, the idea of sleeping without him somehow so abhorrent, and that moment when the door to her room had shut behind them. Something had changed that night, in both of them, and she felt the same pressure to the air now, like they were on the cusp of something and any little push would send them over the edge.
Enough.
She was being ridiculous.She closed her eyes and shook her head, placing the clothes on the bed as she reached to undo her dress. This wasn't one of her books, she was not some female heroine who-
Son of a bitch.
Her zipper was stuck. She wiggled the little piece of metal gently, then furiously, suddenly desperate to get it to move but it wouldn't budge.
Son of a bitch.
This was like one of her books. She was the helpless female who couldn't get her dress down so he would have to do it for her, and he'd be close enough that she would be able to feel him, to smell him, and- fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She didn't want this, didn't want to make this more awkward than it already was but she couldn't just stand here all night, she had to do something, had to say something-
"Could you-" The words caught in her throat but as she looked over her shoulder she knew he'd heard because he looked over his, his eyes running over her as she flushed. She hadn't forgotten what he looked like without a shirt on but clearly her memory hadn't done him justice. "I think it's stuck."
He nodded slowly and she couldn't help tracking the way his Adam's apple bobbed as he nodded a second time. "Yeah, I got it."
Her fingers trembled with nervous energy as he came up behind her and no amount of pressure could get them to stop, not as the zipper finally gave way and certainly not as Jay started to slide it down, each inch taking away what little breath she had left. She wouldn't have been surprised if he could hear her heart pounding but if he did he didn't say anything, just stood there with his breaths huffing gently against her neck until finally the silence overwhelmed her.
"Is it okay?" She asked quietly, immediately regretting it when she felt him step away.
How could she feel so much colder already?
"Yeah, you're good to go."
She listened as he went back to changing and though she knew it was wrong, so, so wrong when she heard the clinking of his belt she snuck a peek, her mouth going dry as she caught sight of him. His broad shoulders and muscled back, the smooth skin that still held a hint of the desert sun. She couldn't help thinking that he looked a little less like the soldier and a little more like the boy from Canaryville. Still the moment he began to take his pants off she turned back around, hurriedly slipping off her dress and trading it for the clothes he'd given her, unable to help breathing in the smell that clung to them. Only after she heard him stop shuffling did she turn back around, quickly taking in the way his sweats hugged his legs before her eyes shot up to meet his. Thankfully he was doing his own assessment and hadn't seemed to notice but unlike her he didn't look away. Instead he looked her over slowly, thoroughly, until her mouth went dry and her hands started to tremble once more.
Was this normal?
For someone to make someone else so flustered with just a single look?
Tess tried to tell herself it was, that she wasn't special, this wasn't one of her books but a little voice in the back of her mind whispered that it wasn't. That nothing about the way they felt about each other was normal and it never would be.
They never would be.
"Uh, after you."
She realized he was waving his hand towards the bed and her heart went back to beating a mile a minute, goosebumps rising along her skin as the light switched off. It wasn't total blackness that filled the room, the kind that so often had her waking from some horrible dream, more often than not now some horrible memory but instead a soft kind of dark, illuminated by the light of the moon that still shone through the thick clouds outside. His curtains hung wide, pushed far apart like he never closed them and she wondered if maybe he didn't like the dark either. There'd been a window in his office on the base, according to the schematics anyway and there'd been several in his barracks; he'd told her once how hard it had been to go back to sleeping alone, how he'd missed having her beside him, missed being able to help push her nightmares away. Maybe she had helped with his too. Maybe-
Maybe she was psyching herself up. Her palms were sweating for Christ's sake, something that didn't even happen in the field, hadn't even happened when she'd been tortured and yet being in a confined space with Jay had all her cool, practiced instincts crumbling to nothing. To that nervous, insecure girl who'd never really been kissed.
Except by him.
He'd kissed her. Out of relief when she'd found him in Mullah's hideout, out of fear and longing when he'd had to leave her behind, although she supposed she had been the one to initiate that. She just hadn't been able to let him go without doing it, without feeling what his lips felt like on hers for more than five seconds.
He hadn't disappointed.
Oh this was not good. Not good at all to be thinking about what he'd tasted like, not good to wonder what he might taste like now they weren't in a war zone, especially since he was climbing in beside her. He laid down on his side, one arm tucked into his chest while the other rested on his hip, like he wanted to slip it over hers but was holding himself back. Didn't he always? On the base he'd made it a point to put her comfort first, to not make assumptions about what she wanted, how familiar he could get with her; it was one of the reasons she'd always felt so safe around him. She knew there wasn't a world in which Jay would hurt her.
And if he wasn't going to take the initiative then she would just have to do it herself.
She took a deep but quiet breath and as soon as the scent of chocolate hit her all her tension vanished and she pushed into him with ease, her body following his as he immediately pulled her in; her head lifted so his arm could slip under it while the other slid over her waist, his hand splaying across her back, pushing her even closer as hers pressed against his chest. Both of them released soft sighs as they relaxed into the now familiar position and Tess's eyes fell shut, soothed by his fingers playing with her hair but before she could succumb to sleep she realized that the breaths huffing against the crown of her head weren't slowing or deepening like hers. They weren't as steady either and then she caught the hitch as he swallowed and the tell-tale tremor that came when someone forced themselves to be still and her heart broke.
Jay.
As gently as she could she pushed out of his arms, wrapping her own around him as she shifted onto her back. For a second she thought he wasn't going to let her comfort him but then another tremor ran through him and when she told him it was okay, that she had him, he just broke. Not completely, he still choked back most of his whimpers and muffled the rest in her chest but enough that she knew it was a release he'd needed. She did her best to help; ran her fingers through his hair and kissed the parts of his face she could reach, talking him through it until the shudders wracking his body slowly died down and his breaths finally fell into an even, if not still shaky rhythm. Someone else must have heard because at one point they tried the door but when whoever it was found it locked they'd left, their footsteps fading away after a long moment. Still she stayed awake a long while after that, looking out the window while she thought about Jay, the pain he was feeling and the pain she had felt, until at last she drifted off.