Chapter 3

Present Day

It turned out all either of them wanted was to be with each other. It didn't matter if they were sitting in bed or on the couch, lounging on the deck or in the sunroom, making meals or watching tv; they were always together. Always running a hand through the others hair or down their back, lacing their fingers and pressing kisses wherever they could reach. Most of the time they were soft, deliberate, using each touch to show how much they had missed the other, how much they loved them but sometimes that need took over until they had no choice but to give into the desperation until all their fears and doubts were chased off. Not gone, nothing was that easy, but pushed back.

But however they were, it was always loving. Always gentle. Jay hadn't forgotten about her wounds and no amount of persuasion was enough to convince him she was fine, though she certainly tried. He was so tender that sometimes it actually hurt, the most exquisite kind of pain that broke just as much as it healed. And she knew she wasn't the only one feeling it, knew that for every moment of happiness there was one of heartache that followed.

Thankfully this was a process she knew well.

Life had taught her that there was no shortage of traumatic experiences to be had, especially in jobs like theirs and she had learned quickly that shoving them down did not work for her. The more she buried the less in control she felt and the more likely she was to make mistakes but even more than that Tess allowed herself, made herself feel the weight of her experiences because she had to. Because not feeling them would mean not feeling anything and that would kill her. It nearly had. So she understood that as joyful as this reunion was, and god it was, they couldn't escape the sadness that came with it. The bitter to the sweet. She understood that there were going to be things they each had to carry, consequences for the choices they'd made that they couldn't lift off the other's shoulders.

For Jay it was his guilt. She could see it building as she told him about what she'd been through and what she'd done, saw the veritable gut to the punch he took when she told him how she'd known about Erin, how she had left them to be together. He'd been flabbergasted, completely unable to comprehend how she could be fine with what he saw as his abandonment of her and nothing she said made a difference, not even when she explained that he hadn't been the only one to find comfort in the arms of another. If anything that had made him feel worse because it was clear he'd been jealous, clear he didn't think he could have done the same if the situations had been reversed but the truth was it didn't hurt her the way it did him. Yes, when she'd first learned about Erin she had cried herself to sleep and yes she'd been angry at him for moving on but she had quickly realized how selfish that was. Jay deserved happiness, deserved someone to make him laugh and feel loved. She could never begrudge him that and she'd told him so, been fierce about the fact that it didn't bother her but she knew that only did so much, knew it was just one of those weights he would carry.

She had her own.

The way he felt about his former love was the way she felt about what had happened with his father; the same feelings of absence, the same shame of not being there for the one you loved in their time of need. Tess had tried so hard to get home for the funeral. Had actually left an active op in the hope she would make it, in the hope that she wouldn't break one of the most important promises she had ever made him, to stand at his side just as she had at his mothers. But it was a long flight from Osaka to Chicago and one delayed plane was all it had taken and rather than show up late, rather than face him she had turned around and gone back.

He hadn't blamed her, had calmly, peacefully told her that she didn't need to apologize or explain and the same resolve had been in his voice when he told her that he understood. That he always had, always respected her sacrifice and admired her dedication to the job, to the mission. She'd known he did, it was what had bound them in the very beginning but every time he said it she got hit with a wave of relief.

And so, it went, story to story, moment to moment they let go of what they could and shouldered what they couldn't, settling into their new normal along the way.

Still Tess was always sure to keep the balance between what he needed to know with what he could carry, what she wanted to share with what she didn't, not because she wanted to keep things from him but because so much of it just didn't matter anymore. To Jay it was this great, big, horrible thing but for her it was something she'd let go of a long time ago. She'd had to. Of course it still brought up feelings of remorse and regret but they weren't overpowering, weren't the massive swells she'd once drowned under they were just regular waves, sometimes tall and choppy to be sure but she knew how to ride them.

She had learned to surf long before life forced her to.

And she'd always been good at it. Even as a child she'd understood the necessity of the process and the importance of vulnerability, how it birthed courage and forged resilience, but now... she'd forgotten what it was like to be with Jay. Had underestimated how much he could still affect her, how heavy the weight of her own guilt had been and how accustomed she'd become to carrying it. Having his forgiveness was healing something in her, opening her up in a way she hadn't felt in years. Already there was a tangible difference in the way she moved, in the easy breaths that filled her lungs and the steady, gentle beats of her heart, some dark, jagged piece of her soul that was finally being soothed and Tess threw herself into it.

Into him. Even when doing so terrified her, for all the times she had denied herself she took every bit of him she could until she felt giddy with it, until all she could think about was him and everything he gave to her, all the love and affection and trust and belief. It didn't take back what had happened, didn't erase the ways they had changed but it didn't have to; it didn't matter to her how different they were, how different Jay was because he was still hers.

He still gave her that wide goofy smile and did whatever he could to make her laugh, still took what she considered a ridiculous amount of pride in his ability to make her blush. He still knew every inch of her body, knew what was aching before it ached, when to pull her into his arms and how, whether she needed to hear his heart or feel his breaths against her hair, if she needed to cry something out or let it go. Their connection had always been extraordinary and it had only grown over time, deepening with every new challenge they faced until their bond was stronger than any she'd ever known. It had killed her to leave him and it killed a part of her to say it now but being with Jay had been the grace of her life. She hated that that was true, that she was still so scared of accepting his love but she'd known it for a long time. As strong as she was, as good as she could be, he only made her better. He was everything to her, every reason for existence wrapped up in one person. Her person.

Her Jay.

Mine, she thought with loving, possessive pride, blinking as she looked down to where Aelin had begun rubbing against her leg then letting out a sigh.

This was not the first time this week she'd zoned out thinking about him.

Not even close.

She gave her head a quick shake and crouched to scratch behind the cats' ear, peppering her with kisses until she'd had enough and sashayed away. Aelin was adjusting well to having Jay around, especially since he'd started feeding her, but she knew her furry companion was feeling a little jealous about having to share her so Tess was doing her best to give her as much attention as possible.

After watching her jump up and settle into the little hammock that hung in the corner by the TV, the cat's favourite place to sit and survey her domain, she picked up the glass of water she'd come to get and headed back upstairs. Both her and Jay were feeling sluggish after the large helpings of pasta they'd had for dinner and had decided the best way to deal with it was to go up to the deck and doze it off. He was still sitting where she'd left him and she took a moment to take him in, the way the days fading light made his skin glow, emphasized by the fact that so much of it was exposed; he was only wearing his boxer briefs and he'd pushed her teal blanket off to the side, his head tipped back to get as much sun as possible.

They'd never really liked clothes, half the time had only worn them for Mouse's benefit and even then their friend had been fairly liberal, and she was certain that if Jay had it his way they would've spent this entire week naked. Instead he kept grumbling that she had too many windows but then every time she would shut the blinds complained that it was too dark and he couldn't see her properly.

The thought made her smile and she ran her fingers through his hair as she walked up to his side, her heart warming when he gave her an answering grin and tugged her into his lap, taking the water as she got settled.

"How's the food coma?" She asked as she nestled into his chest and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I said it before and I will say it again, I would gladly spend the rest of my life in a coma if it meant I got to eat your cooking every day."

"You can't eat if you're unconscious." She quipped as she laughed and pushed closer, smiling when he draped the blanket over her legs. Like him she was in a state of undress, wearing only one of his old muscle tees, a dark navy he said brought out her eyes.

He'd been teasing her all week about how many items in the boat were blue but it was her favourite colour, and in her defense she'd used a variety of shades, and Tess found herself wondering what he would think when he saw the apartment. When he saw the way it was decorated.

"I can't imagine how crazy your beard would get if you didn't shave it for that long." She commented, hoping the change in conversation would distract her but clearly she wasn't the only one getting stuck in her head because Jay didn't respond, at least not beyond a questioning noise that had her repeating herself.

The next thing she knew his scruffy cheek was rubbing against her temple and she could feel his smile growing as he laughed. "I thought you liked my 'rugged Irishman' look."

She hummed her own laugh at the nickname, aware that though her words were teasing her face and the hand she lifted to brush along his jaw were soft. "I do. But I might like it even more if it didn't scratch me."

He rarely let it get this long. In fact she could only remember a handful of times when he had. Right after his discharge, though once she'd come home it hadn't lasted long, when they'd gone to her cabin in Tofino and anytime they'd gone to his in Wisconsin, once when he'd been sick with the flu, and that was pretty much it. It wasn't that he didn't like having one, he'd always seemed pleased with his appearance and especially pleased with her reaction to it but after years of adhering to the military's strict grooming standards those habits were deep-seated, and had easily transferred over when he joined the police force.

Not that she cared. He was always handsome to her, annoyingly so sometimes, though she'd admit she did enjoy the scruff; rugged was a very accurate description. She absentmindedly ran her hand along it, then her lips, slowly moving from one side of his face to the other until she came back to centre and took his mouth, her quiet sigh muffled as he tangled a hand in her hair and pulled her closer. This, she thought with a smile as his other hand tightened its grip on her thigh. This was all she needed.

Just him.

And she had him, even if the piercing ring of his cellphone meant that the universe had different plans for their evening.

"No."

A laugh burst out of her at the petulance in his voice and his reluctance to let her go but she pulled back until he had no choice.

They'd had nine days together, which was far more than she'd expected. They'd only been interrupted once, four days in when Voight had called to inform Jay that Intelligence had picked up another case and to ask if he wanted to join them. He'd said no, of course, and of course the minute she'd realized what he was saying no to she had tried to change his mind, had tried for a good while after he'd hung up too but he'd been adamant. He wasn't ready to go back and the more she pushed him the longer he was going to take. It frustrated her to no end, especially because she'd known that was what he was going to say but she was having a hard time reconciling her desire to spend time with him with her desire not to get in the way of his team. But when he finally looked at her Tess knew she didn't have to worry about that anymore, at least not in regards to his furlough anyway.

It was time for both of them to stop hiding.

She smothered another laugh as he let out another groan when she moved so he could climb out from beneath her then watched as he begrudgingly trudged over to her nightstand, most of the sulkiness gone from his voice as he answered the call; she could tell just from the way his posture changed that it was indeed Voight.

It wasn't as though anyone else had reached out, which was odd in her opinion. Her own team would have refused to stop calling if something so big had happened to her but she supposed they had their own dynamic; more along the lines of 'share when absolutely necessary and not a second before'.

To each their own, right?

She watched him look over his shoulder at her, his face soft and just a touch sad before he nodded.

"Yeah, I'm good. What do we got?"

She loved these people.

Loved them with everything she had but that didn't mean they didn't also annoy her. That was how family worked. And when giving family news like this, particularly a week after the fact... well Tess was just going to have to take whatever shit they wanted to give her.

It had only taken her a few minutes after Jay had left for her to throw on some shorts and head downstairs, deciding it was time to have her own reckoning with her team. Truthfully all she wanted was to leave them a voicemail and deal with the repercussions later but that was a cop out and she knew it, so for that reason she knew she had to do this face to face. Or at least as close as they could get.

"I hate it when you video call me. I never know what buttons to press."

She let out a laugh as Coulson's frowning face filled the TV screen. "Hey at least your camera's facing the right way this time. Just don't touch anything and you'll be fine."

He let out a disbelieving noise that had her smile growing but then his expression turned more thoughtful, expectant, and her own became sheepish.

"So. How's your week been?"

She wasn't surprised he knew what had happened, just like she wasn't surprised he hadn't said anything.

Their relationship had changed a lot over the last five years. The only reason she had joined the agency was because he'd convinced her to, because he'd assured her that she could have the adventure she wanted so badly without compromising her morals. It had been a tall promise to make but as far as circumstances had allowed he'd always kept it, even when doing so cost him, professionally and personally. He'd quickly gone from a mentor to a father-figure, just as significant as the two who had raised her and she knew how difficult it had been for him to watch her struggle, to watch her transform into something he didn't always recognize but in truth he'd adjusted better than anyone else. So much so that sometimes she wondered if Coulson had always known the direction she was headed, known she wasn't going to stay the quiet, hidden soldier forever.

That she couldn't.

Of course that didn't mean he agreed with every choice she made, in fact was very vocal when he didn't but he still respected her right to make them. Which was why his silence this last week didn't surprise her. He understood how much she valued her independence, the need to do things on her own terms, just like he knew that she would always come to him when she was ready.

"More eventful than I thought it would be." She replied quietly, smiling at him once more. "But good. Really good."

The worry in his eyes was quickly replaced with relief, his face softening as he dipped his chin. "I'm glad to hear. So does that mean this is just a courtesy call? Because I'm about to be late to a meeting with the Senate Selection Committee."

"Why did you answer then?"

"I wanted to hear your voice. Now hang up so I don't have to." Coulson gave her a pleased smile then slipped his phone in his pocket so she quickly ended the call, rolling her eyes as she did.

He always did this, took calls in the most inconvenient times- she'd once seen him take one during a firefight of all places.

Tess allowed herself a few breaths to let his approval settle in and to quiet her remaining nerves and then she dialled Nysa- she had texted her friend on her way downstairs to see if they were available and by a stroke of good luck they were. Traveling on a night train to Morocco.

"Hey, you called her and not me? Rude!"

"Awe, did I hurt your feelings?"

Vivienne flipped her finger while Adita and David laughed and the rest rolled their eyes, each of them twisting as they tried to fit into the frame. Viv opened her mouth again, no doubt ready to make another comment but Michael flicked her on the shoulder, giving her a look before he turned to the camera.

"How are you?"

"I'm good." She replied with a small smile, hoping none of them could sense the unease building in her gut. She hated these kinds of conversations, the kind where you just had to drop a piece of information and watch how it impacted someone's life, but she knew better than to drag it out. "I've had a good week. Far from what I was expecting, but good."

Brows rose and Tess tilted her head, giving them a smile that had John immediately narrowing his brows with wariness.

"A little over a week ago Ivan Shevchenko grabbed me from the Tomb to give as a gift for Igor Kuznetsov who then tried to kill me."

"I was wondering what happened to your forehead." Nysa drawled, both of them sharing a wry look.

"What happened?" Michael and John demanded in unison, Adi and David following up with their own questions about her wellbeing a second later.

"Hank Voight shot him."

It was a mad flurry of reactions but she took them all in, silently cursing how clear the video was as she did.

Adita and David looked positively elated, the former literally bouncing in her seat to the mild annoyance of John who sat beside her, her cuddly giant looking grateful she was safe but unsure about what it meant, his chocolate eyes running over her as he tried to assess how she felt about the situation. Michael and Nysa were doing the same, trying to gauge the mental exhaustion in her eyes against the smile on her lips but it wasn't any of them she'd been worried about.

It was Vivienne.

Her best friend had gone silent, her face tight with displeasure that she didn't entirely try to hide. The redhead hadn't been thrilled to hear she'd gone to see Jay when she'd come back but she'd expected it, but when Tess had told her that she'd seen him with Hailey... it was going to take a lot more than her own forgiveness for her friend to let go of her anger. Still when her emerald eyes met hers they softened, her chin dipping ever so slightly.

"Looks like we'll have to plan a visit."

Adita snorted then quickly blocked the smack Viv sent her way, ducking behind John so he took the second before David separated them, going so far as to kneel on the floor of their small compartment.

"Are you happy?" Her friend asked her, the others quieting down as they looked back to her.

"Yes." Tess replied simply, letting each of them see the truth before she settled back in her own seat and lifted the glass of wine she'd poured for herself. "Now tell me about Morocco."