Chapter 4

Thirteen Years Ago

Tess didn't know what she'd expected from this trip home but it certainly hadn't been to spend all her time with Jay.

Not that she was complaining.

Being with him was fun, effortless, and just like they had on the base they'd fallen into a routine with ease; each morning he would distract his family while she snuck out and then she would drive around the block to pick him up and they'd spend the day together. They'd only separate for a few hours in the evening and then once it was clear he would text her and she'd sneak back in.

The first day had been the hardest. They'd woken without any semblance of a plan to his brother knocking on his door, and loudly questioning why it was locked, and had quickly scrambled out of bed, Jay helping to gather her clothes before he pushed her into the corner and promised to distract them. Once his footsteps had faded she'd stolen one of his hoodies, since her dress was a dead give-away, then half-climbed half-jumped from his window, waiting until she saw his signal before she darted across the yard and grabbed her shoes. One quick peek over the fence was all she'd allowed herself before she hopped it but thankfully none of his neighbours had been out and she'd hurried back to her car where she'd spent the next few minutes catching her breath. Despite the frequency with which she now infiltrated buildings that had gotten her heart going.

She'd never snuck out of a boy's room before.

She'd never snuck into a boy's room before.

After waiting what she deemed an appropriate amount of time she'd driven back and found him waiting on the porch, the impish smirk on his lips instantly worrying her. For good reason. Apparently his next-door neighbour, an elderly and extremely Catholic woman named Mrs. O'Farrell had spotted her the night before, but thanks to her beliefs and a fondness for sherry had told his father that a 'demon with skinny white limbs' had been crawling along the side of their house. Jay had laughed the whole way to Lydia's and every time he'd stopped he'd just looked at her and started all over again, and though she wouldn't lie and say that her ego hadn't been a little bit bruised the sound had made his teasing worth it. Especially because then he'd gone completely silent when they'd found her aunt very much not at work, having delayed going in in order to make sure that her dear niece made it home safe. It was a bullshit lie and they all knew it but frankly Tess had been more concerned about Jay catching her comment that she'd finally experienced the walk of shame, though hopefully the dumbstruck look on his face meant he hadn't. Unfortunately she'd only had a moment to enjoy his discomfort before she'd been shooed upstairs, her shyness growing as she realized they'd be left alone together; Lydia was not one to keep her opinions to herself, much like Carol.

All of this... it was territory she wasn't used to and despite how accustomed she'd become to having new experiences this was proving to be harder than she'd expected.

Maybe because at twenty-four she felt like it wasn't supposed to be new.

Most of the time Tess didn't think about her virginity. It was a part of her, and an important one but still just one, but she'd had to do a lot of work to be able to feel that way. As a kid she had always been the one to have the crush and not the one to be crushed on and as a teen had always felt too awkward, too out of place around members of the opposite sex, some part of her just inherently uncomfortable. And it had only gotten worse at MIT when her lack of experience became a literal social barrier, preventing her from connecting with her peers. Only at the Farm had she finally learned, been taught what it meant to walk and talk and smile. The power a woman could hold with a simple tilt of her head. She liked it. Still wasn't completely comfortable doing it thanks to that lack of personal understanding but she liked it; like sparring it helped her feel more at peace with herself, more appreciative of her body and what it could do.

But around Jay?

All that went right out the window.

She'd felt like a bumbling idiot showing him around her room, which hadn't been helped by the fact that it was the first time a boy had ever been inside it, and it hadn't been until they'd started walking along the Riverwalk that her nerves had finally died and she'd been able to fall back into that simpleease she always seem to find with him. He had the uncanny ability of making her feel safe.

He also had the ability to make her unreasonably frustrated.

"It's not gonna stop."

"Yes it is."

"You said that ten minutes ago."

"Yeah, which means it's ten minutes closer to being done."

"Or it's getting worse." She countered, shooting him a cocky smile when he huffed and gave her his own irritated, slightly offended look.

She was right though. She'd grown up on an island, she knew how to read the weather, especially when it came to storms. Which was why she'd told him they would've been better off making a run for it when the rain first started but no, he'd had to insist that it would be over before they knew it, that it was just a 'light shower'. He'd also insisted they go for this second walk in the first place instead of waiting for his family to get home for dinner, which Will had invited her to after she'd asked him to walk with them yesterday.

Jay had clearly been surprised at the offer but it wasn't as though he'd left her much choice- they'd been together non-stop for the last four days and while she sympathized with his desire to be alone this was a raw time for his whole family, not to mention that in two days Will had to go back to his residency. Tess wouldn't be able to forgive herself if she was the reason the two didn't get a chance to spend time together. And though it had seemed like a surprise to both they'd had a good time. Will was just as funny as his younger brother, and just as sharp, and conversation between the three had flowed easily, despite that constant twinge in the back of her mind that reminded her she was lying to him and making Jay do so as well.

BA-BOOM.

An explosive crack of thunder sounded and it startled them both.

It was not going to stop. But at least by the look on his face he agreed with her now. She looked around to try and gauge just how wet they were going to get, fairly soaked was the conclusion, and found herself smiling. She loved a good rain storm. Meanwhile Jay was looking less than pleased beside her, the pout on his lips only adding to her amusement.

"Fuck it."

Tess made a break for it, laughing when she looked back and found him staring in shock. "You coming or what?"

She was too far away to hear his answering laugh but she saw it and her heart skipped a beat, butterflies taking flight in her stomach as he ran up and took her hand; the smile he gave her as he dragged her forward was enough to get her to follow him anywhere. They were still holding hands when they ran through his front door, not completely drenched but near enough, not that either cared- they were still laughing. At least until a grinning Carol walked out of the kitchen, the mischievous gleam in her eyes quickly quieting them.

"We were wondering where you two were! I'm glad to see the rain hasn't put a damper on your moods. Theresa, it's so nice to see you again. I'm glad you're finally joining us for dinner, even if it did take a while for someone to give you an invite. The wrong someone."

Tess had to smother a smirk as Jay's shoulders shrank before she could give the woman a kind smile in return. "Thank you for having me. I brought some wine, we put it in the fridge earlier. I hope everyone likes white- I thought it would go nicely with the casserole."

"How thoughtful of you. I'm sure it will." Carol said with another broad smile before she shot her nephew a stern look. "Jay she's soaking wet, get her a towel already."

"We just got-"

He cut himself off as her eyes narrowed and quickly nodded, ushering her upstairs and into his room before he left to grab said towels, mumbling to himself as he did. She couldn't help but chuckle as she peeled off her cardigan but then found herself frowning down at it. She had chosen it especially for tonight, had stolen it from Lydia because of how nicely the soft gray paired with her dusky blue skirt and white top but there was no way she'd be able to wear it now. It was too wet, as was her blouse.

Damn it.

She had wanted to look nice for this. What was she supposed to do now? She didn't think wearing one of Jay's t-shirts was going to make a very good impression on his family.

Damn it.

"Here. I can give you some-"

She turned and went to take one of the towels he held out but he didn't let it go, and he didn't finish his sentence, just looked at her so slowly, so intently that her throat immediately closed.

Tess had had boys look at her before, what female hadn't, but no one had ever looked at her the way Jay was now. That wasn't just desire darkening his mossy eyes it was something more, something stronger, and for the first time in her life it didn't scare her. It just held her in place, hoping, praying, that this time he wouldn't hold back.

And thankfully he didn't.

One second her cardigan was in her hand and the next it and the towels were on the floor, forgotten just like everything else that wasn't him, wasn't his hands as they pulled her into him, holding her head in place as his mouth took hers. He kissed her deeply, hungrily, but still slowly, and when his tongue slipped inside her mouth, gentle but demanding, each stroke was so purposeful that her knees went weak. She finally understood what all the books meant when they described melting into someone's kiss- it was like her body dissolved into his until all she could focus on was how soft he felt against her lips, how strong his arms felt around her, how addictively he invaded her senses. That musky scent was going to drive her insane. She went where his body told hers to, crawling back on the bed without a beat of hesitation, the quiet groan he let out as he settled between her legs sending an ache straight to her core that drove every last rational thought out of her head. No one had ever kissed her like this, ever touched her like this, like they were setting her on fire. By the time she became aware of her fingers they had already slipped beneath his shirt and then she lost herself once more in the smooth feel of his skin, the dips and planes and then he rose up on his knees to pull it over his head and what little breath she had left escaped her.

He was beautiful.

Handsome, dashing, whatever adjective one wanted to use Jay was it. From his vivid green eyes that reminded her so much of the forests back home to the freckles smattered across his cheeks and his unreasonably chiseled jaw, his broad shoulders and chest to the strong arms that always held her with such gentleness, and then those eyes met hers and she knew without doubt or hesitation that she was his. He had her, had a piece of her heart and even though it made zero sense she knew that the piece was the safest one.

And because of that she found herself nodding in silent reply to his fingers as they toyed with the hem of her shirt, the strongest wave of longing she had ever felt washing over her when he lifted it up and she was finally bared to him. Longing and a brief but horrible moment of panic when his face twisted before he bent his head and pressed a tender kiss to her breast. To the burn left by Selim's cattle prod. Tess didn't have many scars, yet, but it still surprised her that he remembered it. Surprised and overwhelmed her, her fingers sliding into his hair as if she could pull him any closer than he already was and then he moved to her necklace, his necklace, their necklace and even though she wasn't a religious person Tess swore she could feel his prayer.

Protect her in battle.

When his eyes fell back into hers she knew she wasn't alone in how she felt, in the passion or desire, intensity or depth. Whatever it was between them it was stronger than either one and they both knew it. Didn't understand it but they knew it, and they accepted it. They wanted it.

After a long moment Jay went back to kissing her and this time she swore his touch left flame in its wake; his hands were rough, calloused from his time in the field and his active nature yet nothing so soft had ever held her, caressed her in such a way that she knew he memorized every inch. Her body moved on instinct, the rasp of his breath as she rolled her hips sending delighted shivers down her spine but they were nothing compared to the ache she felt when he cupped her breasts. All she wanted was more, more, more, more and he gave it to her, rubbing his thumbs over her nipples and curling his tongue around hers until the lack of oxygen made her faint. Or maybe that was his chocolatey scent, she couldn't tell, but she didn't care because her head spun all the same. And still she would have whined when he pulled away if his lips hadn't met his fingers at the edge of her bralette, her heart starting to pound in time with the ache in her core until,

"Hey, you guys' g-oh shit."

That lust filled haze was instantly replaced with blind panic and she shot up, doing her best to hide behind Jay as he started cursing. At least before he stood and thrust the corner of his blanket at her, the anger and regret written across his face doing little to calm her.

"I'm sorry. I'm so- I'll be right back, I promise."

Just like that he was gone and she was left sitting there in stunned silence, clutching his blanket tighter to her chest as a series of short yelps filled the hall.

Four breaths.

Tess gave herself four breaths and then she stood, absentmindedly fixing his bed before she hurried over to his closet and began flipping through his clothes. She needed a top. A thick, baggy, top.

It was her dad who'd taught her the trick, when he first started teaching her how to surf. She'd had trouble popping off the board, too paralyzed to take that final step so he'd come up with a system, a way to 're-code' her brain. She would take four breaths; one to breathe, one to think, one to settle and one to go. There were similar techniques in every field of combat and first response but she always fell back to her fathers, though the warm voice that used to whisper in her ear was slowly becoming harder and harder to remember. Sometimes the breaths were quick and pointed, an immediate way to sharpen her mind and decide the next course of action and sometimes they were deep and steady, meant to bring her rushing emotions to a gentle flow, like now. Because right now...

Overwhelmed didn't begin to cover it.

Her body was thrumming, alive in a way she'd never felt before, in a way she'd only read about and it terrified her. Not Jay, she could never be scared of him, not even by what had happened, just... that it had? She didn't know, didn't understand the feelings she was feeling, only that they were new and they scared her.

She grabbed the fifth sweater she came across, a dark gray long-sleeved hoodie and quickly threw it on, in the middle of debating how stupid it would look if she tucked it into her skirt when the door to the bedroom opened. She whirled into the closet, halfway through shutting herself inside when she recognized the timbre of Jay's voice.

"It's okay, it's just me."

Right.

Okay.

Right.

Four more breaths, rapid but silent this time and then Tess forced herself to step out, giving him what she hoped wasn't a completely awkward smile. "Hi."

His brows rose, clearly unconvinced, andthey both held back a wince. This was the most uncomfortable she had ever felt around him.

"Hey. Listen-"

His half step towards her made her anxiety spike and she cut him off before he could get any closer. "It's fine. Really, everything's- everything's fine. I'm just- I'm gonna-"

Words were not coming as easily as she would have liked so she just pointed to the hall and then ducked around him, around the hand he reached out to try to stop her.

Had she ever dodged him before?

She ran into the bathroom and quickly flicked the lock lest he try to follow, bracing her hands against the sink as she locked eyes with her reflection.

Fuck her.