Chapter 5

"She sounds wonderful! I'd love to meet her."

"Aunt Carol-"

"What? Really Jay, you needn't get so possessive."

Will's snort quickly turned into a cough as his brother shot him a dark look and Tess had to smother her own chuckle at their antics- she'd never had siblings but Noah and Isiah had filled the gap so she had an idea of how annoying a brother could be.

"All I'm saying is that her aunt sounds like a very nice woman-is that so wrong? You know when we were your age it wasn't so easy for a woman to have her independence. Do you remember how mad Daddy got when I turned down Ian's proposal?" Carol said as she turned to her brother, who simply nodded before taking another swig of his wine.

Pat Halstead had been quiet for most of the evening but not in a way that seemed out of character, and though she'd caught him staring at her he was much more cordial than the last time she'd seen him. She had a feeling his sister had something to do with that.

"I thought the vein in his neck was going to pop he threw such a fit. Mom too. She thought Ian was so nice, and he was- worked down at the mill until it closed and raised seven girls, God bless him. But he wasn't for me. Not enough fire." She finished with a wink, her smirk growing when each of the men made the same uncomfortable face.

Tess had been right. Despite her nerves, despite everyone's but Carol's really, dinner was going great.

"Well I for one agree with you. I think you and Lydia would get along fabulously." She replied with her own broad smile as the woman beamed back at her.

"Then it's settled. The three of us will have coffee together. Better yet, wine. Jay, you can be our designated driver."

Will snorted again, this time almost choking on his food as he tried to contain his laughter but after a muffled thump from beneath the table that everyone seemed to collectively ignore he quieted. For his part Jay didn't react, aside from kicking from his brother, just nodded and shot her a look when everyone else went back to eating. Not unhappy per se, just… confused.

He'd been waiting for her when she left the washroom. She'd expected he would be, he wasn't the kind to let things go, but thanks to the few minutes she'd taken to fix her hair and clothes she had gotten herself to a place where she could think clearly, where seeing him leaning against the banister in a fresh pair of jeans and a dark green button up hadn't sent her into a total tailspin. And thanks to Carol calling up to ask if they were alright she'd been saved from having to dodge him a second time, although the look he'd given her as he led them downstairs had left no doubt that they were going to talk about what had happened sooner or later.

She was voting on later.

It wasn't that she was still confused, once she'd gotten her heart rate back to normal she'd been able to make sense of her emotions pretty quickly but the clarity did little to help her anxiety.

She had to tell him she was a virgin. She didn't want to; in fact she hated the idea when every other man had either run or fetishized her but she didn't have much of a choice. No one had ever kissed her the way he had and Tess had never kissed anyone the way she had; she hadn't even known she could kiss like that, that she could feel that kind of passion. The other boys, all four of them, hadn't made her feel even a tenth of what Jay had, never mind what he made her feel all the rest of the time. Which was where the fear came in. Because she knew him and she knew that once he found out… he wasn't going to run, and he wasn't going to fetishize her either, not beyond the normal male amount anyway, but he also wasn't going to kiss her like that anymore. Jay was too good, too noble. After she told him he was only going to be sweet and gentle and careful.

She didn't want careful. Didn't want him to treat her differently, didn't want the way he looked at her to change. No one had ever looked at her the way he did, with that playful, protective, reverent kind of gentleness.

"So Tess, you said you grew up in Victoria? I've heard the island is absolutely beautiful."

"It is." She responded with a smile, quickly bringing herself back to the table and giving a small shrug as she looked at Carol. "The whole country is, though I may be a little biased."

"So I hear! Did you get to see much of it? I've lived my whole life here and I swear I've only been to half a dozen states."

"A fair bit. We would usually do a trip or two a year. One summer we drove across the country and stopped at every strange landmark we could find."

"Strange how?" Will asked, giving a kind but curious smile. The more she got to know him the more she liked him- he just radiated kindness.

"Well there's a giant gnome on the island. A giant metal mosquito and a giant Canadian goose in Manitoba. A T-Rex in Alberta, the world's largest paperclip in Saskatchewan, a giant nickel in Ontario and another world record, the largest lobster in New Brunswick."

His brows rose as she listed them, as did his brothers and fathers, each making the same face. It must be genetic. "Yeah. That is strange."

"I think it sounds fun!" Carol exclaimed. "I always say travel expands the mind and soothes the soul. What made you decide to stay here instead of going back?"

"Just the way things played out. After I graduated I decided to go to MIT and then an opportunity came up to work with the government here and I went for it." Tess took another sip of wine, unable to help glancing to her right as she did.

Jay was the only one who knew the reality of said 'opportunity' and though it helped that he understood the need for secrecy she still felt bad that he had to lie on her behalf. It was the only part of being an operative that she hadn't grown used to, though with her social circle so small it normally didn't matter- aside from her aunt and her team, and now Jay, there wasn't anyone else in her life that knew the truth about her. There wasn't anyone else to tell.

"Well, I'm sure I can speak for everyone here when I say we are certainly grateful for that." Carol replied with a kind smile before sharing her own look with her youngest nephew, who looked adorably uncomfortable with the attention. "So you said the other night you moved here during high school?"

And just like that adorable became fierce.

"Can I have some more casserole please?" While the request may have been polite Jay's tone was right on the edge, but his aunt didn't even bat an eye.

"Of course you can." She told him with a smile, easily spooning a very large portion onto his plate, all without ever breaking eye contact with her. "How old were you when you came over?"

Ah. It was Inquisition time.

And it seemed she wasn't the only one who noticed.

"Can I have some too Aunt Carol?" Will butted in, actually holding his plate out in front of her to get her attention. "This one's really good, we should think about sending some thank you cards-"

"That is such a sweet idea William! You should get right on that." She added another large portion to his plate, then did the same to their fathers the minute his mouth begrudgingly opened.

If she hadn't been so well-trained Tess would have laughed at how easily the woman handled the men. Most people would think she was being rude, it was clear they did, but she could see that she wasn't trying to be- formidable attitude notwithstanding she didn't think there was a mean bone in Carol's body. She was just direct. Bold. If she wanted to do something she did it, if she wanted to know something she found out.

It just so happened that right now what she wanted was to know about her.

"I came here for grade 12. Senior year." Tess clarified. She'd never really gotten used to the American terms. "I was seventeen."

"That must have been a rough transition. High school is hard enough to begin with, never mind having to leave all your friends and make new ones in your final year." Carol's sympathy was clearly genuine but a glance to her right showed that Jay did not care, nor did he seem to appreciate the look his aunt sent his way.

Right- he'd mentioned on one of their walks that he hadn't enjoyed school. Actually all he'd said was that he'd gotten into his fair share of fights, which she had taken to mean he'd hit anyone who pissed him off or wronged someone he cared about. Which seemed to be what he thought was happening now. His face was so stony that despite how hard she'd been trying not to touch him she shifted her knee to rest against his, trying to show him that she was fine, that this didn't bother her.

She'd been in far worse interrogations.

"It definitely wasn't the year I had imagined but I made the best of it. And that was when I came to love Chicago and realized that I wanted to start a life here. That's not something I can ever regret." She said with a soft smile, dipping her chin when Carol dipped hers.

"That's a very good way of looking at it. And a way I'm sure your parents would be proud of."

The whole table heard Jay's sharp inhale, how could they not, but she pressed her knee harder against his and he let it out slowly and quietly before taking a large swig of wine. Maybe she shouldn't have let him talk her out of getting a second bottle- everyone could probably use a bit of liquid relaxation right about now.

"Do you mind if I ask what happened to them?" Carol asked quietly, for the first time shooting her family a nervous look, as if remembering there was a reason they may not like this line of questioning. "I don't mean to pry, really-"

"Not at all. I think talking about people is one of the best ways to remember them." Tess said quietly, catching and holding Jay's stare for as long as she dared. They hadn't talked much about his mom, a few stories here and there was all he'd offered so she hadn't pushed. He would share when he was ready to.

"It was the end of summer, we'd been staying at our cabin up island but school was supposed to start in a few days so we were heading home. We were driving up-"

"You were in the car?"

When she saw the tenderness in his eyes the words died on her tongue and suddenly his knee wasn't just pressing against hers, his hand was gripping it, an action no one at the table missed. Just like they didn't miss the way her hand found his, their fingers lacing together with ease.

How could he do this?

How could the rest of the world just fade away when he looked at her?

It took a moment until she was ready to speak again and she had to look away from him to do it, swallowing heavily before she turned back to the group, all of whom were doing their very best to not to stare. Or stare too obviously in Carol's case.

"I don't remember much- it was late and I was half asleep in the back. Highway patrol said a deer must have jumped out and when my dad swerved to avoid it... They died on impact."

It was instinct to give that nonchalant little shrug but even though she did it every time she still hated it. Hated the moment of silence that followed while they took her story in, though their very clear and present understanding quickly eased that anger. They had their own pain they were dealing with and maybe it wasn't her place but,

"Not a day goes by that I don't miss them." Tess said quietly, slowly flicking her eyes around the table. "But I don't really want one to. I like being able to carry them with me. You just... you have to get to the point where they're light enough."

No one said anything but she could see that what she'd said had hit them, each person taking a moment to blink away tears or clear their throat, take a sip of wine or in Jay's case squeeze her hand until her eyes met his once more. Thank you. There was so much depth in his gaze that she couldn't hold it for long, grateful when his fathers rough voice broke through the quiet.

"You like hockey?"

Everyone blinked in surprise but he just stared at her until she answered. "Yes."

"You like the Canucks?"

"Among other teams."

"Do not say the Leaf's." He scowled, pointing his fork at her as the rest of the table waited with bated breath; Carol had her Inquisition, apparently her brother had his own.

Her smile grew. She wasn't the biggest sports fan, in truth she only knew what she did because she'd gotten tired of feeling left out when Vivienne, John and Michael would talk about their favourite teams, but when she taught herself something she did it right.

"Every Canadian likes the Leaf's. It's a requirement."

He huffed and looked her over, his eyes narrowing. "You like the Blackhawks?"

"Yes sir. And the Bears and the Bulls, though if I'm honest I like the Raptors better."

He made a noise in response, a little half grunt that must have meant something to his children because each of them relaxed, Carol taking another sip of wine before she too settled back in her chair and shot her a small, apologetic smile.

"You know the Raptors have a game coming up." Will said with a smirk, shooting his aunt a look as he took a bite of his now full again plate.

Pat responded with something about the opposing team and then Carol commented that she enjoyed the players' little shorts and just like that the tension that had made the air thick was gone. Conversation began to flow once more, she and Jay sharing one last private glance before they pulled their hands apart and joined in.

The rest of the meal was free of any more awkward exchanges- for the most part. To her nephew's visible horror Carol detailed story after story about what they'd been like growing up, much like Lydia would have taking great pleasure in their embarrassment, but both boys took it without complaint; with plenty of pleas for mercy to be sure but little real complaint. And Will put it back on his brother as often as he could, enjoying his discomfort the way only an older sibling could. Occasionally their father chimed in but for the most part he seemed content to sit back and watch, often flicking his eyes longingly to the empty chair across from him, an action everyone noticed and chose to ignore. In truth all of them kept looking at it, missing the person who was meant to be sitting there but no one brought her up, probably for fear of sending the evening in the wrong direction.

For his part Jay seemed begrudgingly accepting of the whole situation. It was probably exactly what he'd been expecting, and why he'd been so hesitant to have her over, and though she knew there was no way he could like listening to a collection of his most unflattering moments she could tell he was still enjoying the evening, the time spent with his family.

And if the smiles he kept shooting her way were any indication the time spent with her as well.

They made her blush, those smiles. Brought the butterflies back to her stomach until Tess thought she might burst, a feeling very much not helped by Carol's knowing looks and Will's teasing glances. The closest she had ever come to experiencing something like this had been dinners at Noah's but then she'd grown up with Sam and Clara, they'd practically been a second set of parents, and despite how badly she'd wished for it at the time nothing even close to romantic had ever happened between her and her oldest friend. Whatever this was... it was entirely new. And she liked it.

"Are you sure I can't get you another drink dear?"

But that didn't mean she could stay forever.

"I really shouldn't." She told Carol with a rueful smile, both of them pretending like they couldn't see Jay shaking his head beside her. This wasn't the first time the woman had offered and it was starting to get dark. "But thank you for dinner- I've had a wonderful time but I should probably start heading home."

"Don't bother." Both she and Jay froze at the suddenly stern, very parental look his father gave them, Carol and Will shooting each other confused and wary glances as he slowly looked between them. "I don't want any more footprints on the side of my house."

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

"Dad-" Jay was in front of her before she knew it but Pat just stared his son down until the room was so silent you could have a pin drop.

But the grenade they'd been expecting didn't come.

"I don't want any funny business you understand me?"

There was a beat of confusion before they understood what he was saying, what he was offering, and then Will's jaw literally dropped, even Carol looking at her brother with complete shock.

"Yes sir." Jay said quietly, his grip on her arm, which she hadn't noticed him take, tightening as his father turned to her.

"Yes sir."

"You got a bag in your car?"

Pat raised a brow when her eyes widened, clearlymore observant than she'd given him credit for and Tess quickly nodded, swearing his lips tilted up in a quick smirk before that ever present half scowl came back. He didn't say anything else, just waved a hand in dismissal and then Jay was very quickly leading her out, neither saying a word until the thud of the thick wooden door as it closed behind them resounded across the empty street.

"Did that just-"

"Yup." She answered quietly, flicking her eyes over just as he did.

For the first time in hours she felt like she could breathe properly, could feel the cool dusk air as it settled in her lungs but when his face broke out into that wide goofy smile that she loved so much all those butterflies went wild, enough that she had to look away to get them under control. She made for the stairs but had to turn back as soon as she reached the top step. "I don't have my keys."

"I got em'." He mumbled, slipping back through the door before she had the chance to tell him where her purse was, though not so fast that she didn't catch his look of hurt.

Damnit.

She wasn't trying to hurt him, wasn't trying to make this any worse than it was- and it wasn't worse, wasn't bad in the slightest, it was just- it was her. She was the one making a big deal of this. She just needed to figure out the right way to start the conversation; this wasn't something she wanted to blurt out or make a mess of. She wanted to do it right.

Tess took the time he was gone to gather her thoughts and take her breaths, sixteen slow and steady ones, and by the time he returned she was able to give him an easy smile, even hiding her wince when the one he gave back was full of caution. Both stayed quiet as they walked to her car, for the first time parked just a few houses down, and Tess was still thinking of what to say when they got there but apparently Jay had decided he'd stayed silent long enough.

"I'm sorry."

The fierceness of his apology took her by surprise and she stumbled as she turned to look at him, losing her footing until she stood half on the curb, half on the road, instantly hating and loving the increase in height difference.

Was there anything about the way she felt about him that could be simple?

"I'm so sorry Tess. I am. I didn't mean for-"

"Jay it's okay-"

"No, it's not. I never should have grabbed you like that. I didn't even ask to kiss you I just- I scared you-"

The fervour in his husky voice cut straight to her heart, flooding her with guilt. She hadn't even thought about him, about how he might be reacting to what had happened; was this what he'd been thinking all evening? "No, you didn't-"

"Yes I did, I-"

"Jay I don't think it's possible for you to scare me!" The words came out far stronger than she'd meant them to but they stopped him from cutting her off again which was all that really mattered. For a moment he just stared, his chest rising and falling with each heavy breath, his eyes locked so nervously on hers. She didn't think she had ever seen him look so distressed.

Here she was worried she would make a mess when she already had.

"Jay... you're the person I feel safest with."

It was a bold statement to make considering how little time they'd spent together and all the incredible people she had in her life, and she would never have made it before she met him but that was because she hadn't felt it yet. The inherent familiarity that flowed between them. The simple peace they found whenever they locked eyes. It didn't make sense, not a lick of it, but it didn't have to. Not to her. Not as long as it was. She watched him take that in, watched his face soften as he took a step closer, not quite trapping her between his body and the car but close, and then his brows furrowed once more, just enough to make that cute little crinkle between them.

Of course.

He still knew something was wrong, he just didn't know what.

Telling him now was only going to make him feel worse but she couldn't keep putting it off, she just had to get it over with, had to-

"Tess it's o-"

"I'm a virgin."

And there went not wanting to blurt it out. And there was the look. The stunned, somehow always boyish look of surprise as he took it in. Tess hated that look. Hated this conversation and how easily it sent her back to that insecure little girl who didn't know what it felt like to hold a boy's hand. Who worried she never would.

"It's not because I'm religious." She blurted out, and even though she tried to stop herself the words just kept coming. "Or because I'm waiting for marriage or like, candles or rose petals or some big event, I actually really don't want that, and it's not because I'm a prude either-"

"Okay."

Jay's calm, even tone quieted her immediately but she still found herself skeptical of the suddenly very relaxed look on his face. "Okay?"

He just nodded. "Okay."

"Just... that's it? You don't, you don't have questions?"

"Do you want me to have questions?"

She opened her mouth then closed it again as he smothered a smile.

"You just told me pretty much everything I needed to know." Jay said gently. "If there's more you want to share then I'd like to hear it but I can wait until you're ready to tell me."

Oh. Well then. That was... okay then.

"You gonna get your bag?"

She nodded, once, twice, three times as she tried to process just how simple that had been and then stared blankly when his lips quirked.

Right. The bag.

She felt the heat wash over her cheeks, felt it grow with his smile when she nodded for a fourth time and swiftly turned to grab her knapsack, giving her head a subtle shake as she did; the effect he had on her was scarily strong. And judging by the grin that was still on his lips when she turned back around he knew exactly what he did to her and was enjoying every second of it. He gestured with his hand for her to go ahead so she hurried past him, almost tripping for a second time when he took the bag from her, Jay took chivalry very seriously, but then something he'd said popped into her head and she paused, his words running over in her mind.

"What?"

"If… if you were to ask, to kiss me, what... how would you do it?"

Now it was his turn to blink in surprise, which she enjoyed more than she should have, but his face quickly softened, not a speck of gray in those mossy green eyes as he took another slow step towards her. Once again the butterflies came back and all she could do was stare up at him, her heart a thunderous beat in her chest as he reached out and tucked her hair behind her ears.

"Tess Danvers…" Her eyes tracked his Adam's apple as it bobbed but that didn't mean she couldn't feel his hand ghosting down her arm or the strength of his own gaze, finally meeting it when the heat grew too much to ignore. "I really like you. And if it's alright with you, I would really like to kiss you."

She didn't trust herself to speak so she nodded, again, her breath catching as he slowly leaned in and then his lips met hers and just like before her body melted into his. But this wasn't like their other kisses. It wasn't rushed or passionate, wasn't done out of relief or desperation or desire. It was exactly what she had thought it would be. Sweet and gentle and full of a promise no one else had ever made her. And it was short, over before she knew it but she basked in it as long as she could until his thumb brushing against her cheek brought her eyes back to his.

She loved his eyes. His eyes and his lips, not just for the way they felt against hers but for how beautifully he smiled.

Tess thought she might love his smile more than anything else.

Jay didn't say anything but this time when he stepped back he pulled her with him, draping his arm over her shoulder before he led her back towards the house.