Chapter 6

Present Day

This was stupid.

She was overthinking it.

"You know it's okay to be nervous."

"I'm not."

Even with her back turned Tess could feel the dubious look Jay sent her way but she refused to give in.

"I'm not. I mean obviously it's going to be awkward but once everyone gets a couple drinks in them I'm sure we'll all get along great." She shot a quick grin over her shoulder and found him shaking his head with a smile but his gaze came back to her, and lingered, so she softened her own. The last thing she needed was for him to try and cancel. "I just want it to go as smoothly as it can."

That was certainly true. And he knew it, knew the one person in particular he didn't want to upset.

Hailey.

Their case was over, a brewing war between two rival gangs ended, or at least halted, so they were going to Molly's for drinks with his team. And Will, assuming his duties at the hospital didn't keep him. It was time. And she really wasn't worried, despite the obvious discomfort everyone was bound to experience the chances of things actually going poorly were pretty low but that didn't mean she forgot how important this evening was. How far it's effects would reach. Maybe not whether or not they trusted her but whether or not they wanted to and that was an important distinction, especially for the man behind her. And honestly Tess could deal with that, easily, it was just another thing she had to think about.

Which was the only reason she'd spaced out in front of her closet.

Clothes made an impression after all and she hadn't decided what one she wanted to make. Just because she wanted these people to like her didn't mean she was willing to hide or change who she was, not only because it would be counter-intuitive but because she didn't do that anymore. She wouldn't. And since they already knew she'd been an operative it wasn't like she had to hide it, even if they didn't fully understand what that meant.

Yeah.

She was definitely overthinking this.

Deciding she'd wasted enough time she quickly pulled out a white sleeveless top, form fitting but casual then grabbed her dark wash jeans and brown leather jacket, pretending not to notice Jay giving her another look as she slipped them on.

From what he'd told her the last few days at work had gone well, though considering his unit had a habit of avoiding their personal lives until their problems grew too big to ignore that didn't really surprise her. But if he said that things were okay she believed him. If he said he was okay on the other hand that was a different story- his habit was to put everything and everyone else first and himself last. But just like he was watching her she'd been watching him, and Tess could tell he was struggling. No more than was usual for a situation like this, as if this was something that could ever be quantified but considering all they'd been through she thought he was handling himself pretty well. Focusing more on her than was necessary but again that was normal for him.

Just like it was normal for her to take extra care of him because of it.

"Ready?" She asked as he slid his jacket on, taking a moment to appreciate the way his black bomber and the shirt beneath it made his green eyes pop.

So damn handsome it wasn't fair.

"Yeah. I'm looking forward to it."

"No you're not."

He opened his mouth like he would disagree then huffed a laugh and shook his head. "No, I'm not." He made his way over, carefully adjusting the chain around her neck before he spoke again. "But I'm looking forward to it being over. And I'm looking forward to next time."

Next time. And the time after that, and the time after that.

That was something Tess could look forward to.

That was all she'd looked forward to.

"Me too."

"Good." Jay leaned in and kissed her, so softly he caught her off guard a moment later when he slapped her ass. "Now let's get going."

The first thing she noticed when they walked into Molly's was how small it was. And crowded. Most of Firehouse 51 was there- Chief Boden sat with Randall McHolland, also known as Mouch, short for half-man half-couch which was one of the best nicknames she had ever heard, while Lieutenants Matt Casey and Kelly Severide spoke with Stella Kidd who was behind the bar with Christopher Herman. There was Joe Cruz with fellow squad members Capp and Tony, the truck newbies Ritter and Gallo sitting with paramedics Sylvie Brett and Gianna Mackey. There were staff from Chicago Med, though not Will, nurse April Sexton and former naval surgeon Dr. Ethan Choi, the Head of Psychiatry Daniel Charles and the hospital's head of Patient and Medical Services, Sharon Goodwin. There were even officers from the 21st, from districts all over the city.

The atmosphere was warm, cozy, the fairy lights hanging from the rafters providing a wonderful whimsical touch; it was exactly like she'd imagined but try as she might Tess couldn't make herself relax.

Not her body, she'd trained it well enough that it stayed composed no matter the situation but her mind. It was racing. Memorizing the faces of those she didn't know and tracking the movements of those she did, marking exits, one in front and one in back not counting the windows, though in a bar owned by firefighters she knew the safety standards would be up to code. Against accidents anyway. Tess also knew it was pointless to try and shut that part of her brain off so she just pushed it back, focusing her attention on Kim, Kevin and Adam, the latter of whom was very enthusiastically waving her and Jay over to their table.

She didn't know whether to feel relieved or anxious that Hailey wasn't here yet.

"Hey, glad you guys made it."

Adam gave her his seat across from Kim and moved to stand at the front of the table while Jay slid in beside her across from Kevin, the officers each shooting her kind smiles. Kim and Kevin anyway. Adam was grinning. He was the wild one, brash but full of heart and for one split second his smile was replaced with someone else's. Luke's. The comparison was so sudden it threw her for a second but she covered it up by shooting a smirk back.

"So what's it gonna be? Your first question." She clarified when his brow cocked, her smile growing as his did.

"I wanna know how you two met." Adam responded, bracing one hand on the table as he waved his finger between them. "He's been very stingy with the details."

"Mm, yeah he's very mysterious. And very humble."

"Humble? Nah, that don't sound like him."

Jay made an offended face at Kevin as everyone laughed. "Okay, can we at least get some drinks before we start this?"

"Oh now you want a drink?"

His jaw ticked as his eyes slid towards her but then the corner of his mouth tugged up and he rolled them, shaking his head as he made for the bar. His friends snickered but Tess caught them eyeing him curiously, and then her, so she gave them an easy smile as she slid off her jacket and draped it over her lap.

She could do this.

"So. What was his story?"

"He said your units worked together to find a Taliban compound. And that you worked together a couple times after that too." Kim answered as she took a sip of her beer.

"Is that not what happened?" Adam questioned when she made a small noise, glancing over his shoulder at Jay who was still ordering their drinks.

"Oh no, it is. It's just the mysterious, humble version."

The spark of intrigue in Adam's eyes pulled up another memory, and the sentiment that went with it and Tess felt herself soften. She had thought a lot about how this conversation should go. Imagined every scenario, every outcome, every day since they'd found each other again. And a lot of days before. And every time she settled on the same answer. The truth. As simple and as genuine as she could give it.

"He saved my life. I was on an op in Pakistan with my team when things went south. One of ours was killed and I was taken. They were bringing me to their compound when he and Mouse found me.

"Now I don't know if you've ever been kidnapped by religious fanatics but it is not a fun time. And I knew it would only get worse if they got me to their base so I decided to take things into my own hands. Literally. I grabbed one of their knives and went to," she mimed stabbing herself in the heart and Kevin nearly choked on his drink, and Adam did a little bit, Kim's eyes widening, shocked but understanding, and smiled. They'd get used to her humor eventually. "But wouldn't you know, just before I took it home- pew! – it went flying out of my hands."

"Pew? Is that your imitation of a gun?"

His friends startled as Jay slid into his seat beside her but he just passed over her drink, rum and coke, a double she noted as she took a sip, and waved for her to go on; she could see the tightness in his eyes but they were steady when they looked at her, trusting, so she gave him a smile and bumped her leg against his before she continued.

"That is my imitation of a sniper rifle. A handgun would be a bang. Shotgun a longer, more exaggerated pew." She gave an example, sharing a smile with Kevin when he laughed and then found her gaze traveling back to Adam.

Tess had cried when Jay showed her those pieces of broken rope. As had he, and though she'd tried she hadn't been able to come up with the words to thank his friend for picking them up.

For even thinking to.

"Looks like we have two great art pieces now." She said quietly, watching as his eyes softened and he dipped his chin.

"I'm looking forward to seeing them."

"Yeah, Jay said you live on a boat?" Kim asked next, pulling the attention away from the two men as they shared their own look. Public displays of emotion were not something either was comfortable with, though Kevin didn't look bothered in the slightest.

He reminded her of John.

This time the comparison made her stomach twist, even as she smiled at the young officer. "A houseboat, yeah. We'll have you over for dinner sometime- don't worry, I'm a way better cook than he is."

They all laughed but she could see they were surprised by the offer, even Jay, though he also seemed strangely… pleased by it. And she knew his friends noticed that too because they gave him more of those curious looks, and then her, and just like that the first wall between them lowered.

She and Jay took turns explaining what had happened after he'd saved her, Jay unsurprisingly brushing off her compliments whenever she tried to detail his heroics, just like she did whenever he cut in to explain the complexity and expertise required behind her own work. They never shared anything too personal but it was clearly a lot more than he had, and a lot more than his friends had been expecting, and though the conversation flowed easily that knot in her stomach never loosened. But Tess told herself that was okay- it was going to take time to get used to this, to earn each other's trust and figure out how this dynamic worked but they would.

She would.

"I didn't understand half the words that just came outta your mouth."

"Master of Engineering in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science and Master of Science in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. With a focus in bioelectrical engineering and artificial intelligence."

"Yeah repeating it isn't going to help him."

Adam made an offended face at Kim but she just grinned and accepted the fist bump from Kevin, which made Jay laugh even harder; he was finally starting to relax, the tension in his shoulders easing, though she had little doubt that had to do with the way his hand brushed across her back. Everyone had been surprised when he put it there, even her, although the look he shot her after the rest had looked away told her clearly that she shouldn't have been.

Whatever she did to look out for him, he was going to do for her.

"Do you understand what she said?" Adam retorted.

"Yeah." Kim answered confidently. "She has a Master of Engineering in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science and Master of Science in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science with a focus in bioelectrical engineering and artificial intelligence."

"Repeating it isn't understanding it!"

"It means I have two degrees," Tess cut in, "in the same field, on relating topics but with slightly different approaches. A Master of Engineering is a bit more focused on application while a Master of Science is more focused on research. For engineering I studied bioelectrical engineering-"

"That would make sense." Kevin said quietly, blinking innocently at Adam before he shared a smirk with Jay.

"And for science I studied artificial intelligence." She finished, sharing her own with Kim at the boys' antics, and surprised when the officer returned it so warmly.

"And you did all of that in two years? While still doing ops?"

Adam was staring at her wide-eyed, and more than a little skeptical, but she just shrugged.

"Just tell him you're a genius." Jay told her, his fingers not quite distracting her as they trailed along her waist.

"I'm a genius."

"Got it."

Everyone laughed at Adam and she tipped her drink his way before taking a sip, giving Jay's leg another affectionate bump as she did. She was on her second now, as were he and Kim, third for Kevin and Adam who'd arrived first, and they had gone from discussing hers and Jay's past to just hers, specifically her time at MIT. To be fair it was difficult for most people to understand the speed at which she could process information, never mind grasp the depth and intricacy of the topics she found intriguing.

Tess went to make a joke about how her own team liked to call her a human computer when suddenly those fingers gently caressing her side started to burn, not from anything Jay did but from a heated stare that locked on them- even with her back to the door she knew it was Hailey. Her first instinct was to shrug away from his touch but if she did he'd know, if not in the moment then as soon as he spotted her and since she didn't want to put him in the uncomfortable position of having to make that decision himself she started to, just slightly but apparently enough that he noticed and started tugging her back and then-

"You guys look like you're having fun."

The way everyone straightened as Hailey and Vanessa walked up was noticeable to every one of them but they all pretended that it wasn't, Kevin quickly standing to grab two more chairs from a nearby table as Adam and Kim moved over to give them room. No one realized until after they were all seated that it put her and Hailey directly across from one another but she gave the woman a kind smile and she gave a nod back, tense but trying. And she wasn't the only one. Jay's hand never moved but she felt it clenching, especially in the moment when he and his former partner finally made eye contact.

Any hope Tess had that she might be able to relax at some point vanished, that knot growing even tighter as Adam motioned to her.

"Hey, glad you guys finally made it. We were just discussing the fact that apparently Tess is a genius. Graduated suma come something from MIT at twenty."

"Summa cum laude. And it was twenty-one." She replied with an easy smile before she turned to Hailey. "Jay mentioned you studied law? That had to be difficult."

He'd said no such thing but he didn't call her on it, and though Hailey gave him a quick look she nodded in the affirmative.

"Yeah, for a while. But I figured out pretty quick it wasn't what I wanted."

"What about you?" Vanessa cut in, giving Tess a broad smile as she made a motion to Stella behind the bar. "How does a supposed genius end up working for the CIA?"

Ooh.

She didn't think the detective had meant any insult, not though it would bother Tess if she had but she knew Jay was going to take issue with the word supposed the moment it came out, not to mention how loudly she had said the agency's name. And it looked like Kim and Kevin didn't really approve either, and sure enough-

"She was recruited." Jay said firmly, his hand now splayed across her back. Steady. Solid. Reassuring. "She had offers from most government agencies, and a few governments-"

He cut himself off but their interests had already been piqued, and as Adam shifted to get a better look at her she knew his guilt was rising too.

"Woah, wait, governments? As in multiple?"

"Just Canada." She replied with a light shrug. "Comes with the dual citizenship."

Sure she'd had an offer or two from MI6 but those had come after she'd already been with the agency for a few years, so technically they weren't relevant right now.

"Yeah but how'd they know about you?"

There it was. The question Jay was worrying about, not for the question itself or the answer she would give but because he'd think that he'd somehow forced her into giving it. But the truth was Tess had known this question was going to come up, known that all of them were, and it didn't matter because it was the same dilemma every time. She would tell the truth, on that she was firm, but how much? What was better to say now and what should she save for later? What would help and what would hurt?

Such a thin line but she could walk it.

She had been for years.

"Well. Let me just start by saying that the statute of limitations has expired."

"On most things."

If her comment had brows raising Jay's sent them even higher, even hers for a second, but the smirk on his lips had hers matching, and the steadfast resolve in his eyes had her heart tugging. He had her.

He always had her.

"Most. Let's just say I was a very… engaged digital citizen."

"A 'hacktivist'." He clarified, even doing little quotation marks with his free hand. That he kept the other on her back didn't go unnoticed but Kevin helped to move the conversation along.

"Wait, so lemme get this straight. You hacked the government and they responded by giving you a job? That's gotta be some mad skills you got."

"It wasn't just the government- I hacked Fossil fuel companies, Wall Street execs, a few corrupt congressmen here and there. Pretty much anyone who tried to screw over the little guy."

"How did you not get caught?"

"Clearly she did." Vanessa answered Kim, and once again she felt Jay tighten.

She was going to have to watch him around her- the Latina detective was the newest to their unit which meant she was the one he trusted least. And something about the way he was eyeing her told Tess this was not the first time she had made a comment.

"Actually she wasn't." He said firmly, clearly, to her at least, forcing a smile to his lips as he looked her over, though the pride in his eyes was genuine. "They never had anything on her. Nothing they could prove anyway."

"So then why- hey, thanks Stella." Hailey paused to accept her drink from the bartender/firefighter, waiting until she had gone back behind the bar before she continued. "Why'd you choose the CIA?"

"I like being behind a computer." Tess answered simply. "But being stuck behind a desk? Not my thing."

"Is that why you chose the SAC? And the SOG? Jay explained the difference but it seems like you were more interested in the political side?" Kim asked next; it was obvious the officer was nervous, curious but not wanting to offend, and while Tess appreciated the kind smile she gave her it was the one she gave to Jay that had her softening.

"Partly. I wanted to push myself, see what I was capable of. But also, the whole reason I became a 'hacktivist'," she risked the ever-present tightness in Hailey's gaze and the suspicion in Vanessa's to bump her leg against Jay's and see his loosen, which it started to, "was because I didn't trust the government. Any government. And while I believe that tech is only as good as the person who created it I also think it's only as safe as the people who wield it. Choosing operations meant that my programs could never be used in ways I didn't agree with."

There were a few beats of silence as everyone took in what she'd said but before anyone could respond a warm voice called out from behind them.

"Lilith!"

There was a chorus of confused mumbles and Tess had just enough time to stand before Will swept in and grabbed her in a bear hug, so tight he actually lifted her up off the ground. She was so surprised it took her a second to respond but then she was squeezing him back, quickly blinking away tears; Jay had told her that his brother forgave her, that he hadn't had to because he'd never borne her any ill will in the first place but it was one thing to hear it and another to feel it.

For the first time tonight, and only for the briefest moment, that knot relaxed.

"Hey, you wanna put my girlfriend down before you break her?"

Will obliged, giving her a bright smile as he did. "You see how insufferable he is without you?"

"Wow. Thanks."

Everyone laughed as Jay stood up and clapped his brother on the shoulder but she caught their arched brows at the familiarity Will showed her, just like she caught the look that passed between the brothers. It was only a quick a glance but it was enough to tell her what came next, her suspicions proved correct when Will turned to the group with a bright smile.

"Do you guys' mind if I steal them?"

"Wait, we're not going to get an explanation on that nickname?"

"Nope."

Adam looked genuinely disappointed but Jay was already leading her over to a different table, conveniently located on the other side of the bar, and she couldn't help giving him her own raised brow as he sat her down. But he just smiled innocently and looked for his brother, frowning when he saw him still talking to the others- their looks of shock left little doubt that Will was indeed giving that explanation, or at least the abridged version.

And that… well it wasn't a story she'd planned on sharing so soon but it wasn't as though it was a bad one, just… one that showed a greater depth to their relationship. Not just their youth or the breadth of time for which they'd known each other but the breadth of circumstance- not just professional anymore, and though surely his team had figured that out it was one thing to know it and another to be told. But it was out of her control so Tess just turned back to Jay, and the furrow that was still between his brows.

He had just as much reason as her not to want that story told, maybe more, and remembering that actually made her more okay with it. And in the mood to tease him some more.

"You do realize you left our drinks behind, right?"

He blinked at her, then down at the table and then mumbled a curse and quickly made his way back, motioning for his brother to grab their glasses as he finally turned to join them. She watched them as they walked back, the obvious differences in their appearances overshadowed by the similarities in their strides and postures, the hard-earned confidence with which they carried themselves and the ease with which they interacted.

The Halstead brothers, inseparable once more.

"It still wasn't necessary." Jay grumbled as he sat and slid over her glass, turning his frown her way when she snorted.

"Were you really expecting him not to share it?"

"See? She knows it's a good story." Will defended as he took his own seat across from them, smirking at his brother before he looked at her, his brown eyes soft and warm. "It's really good to have you home."

Home.

What a word.

"It's good to be home."

He grinned and then finally seemed to realize he was the only one without a drink and turned to the bar, waiting until he got Hermann's eye before he gestured for one and as he did she and Jay shared a glance. His gaze was more solemn than she'd thought it would be, searching, so she let him see what he needed to. That she was fine. That just like she'd said this had been a little awkward but that it didn't bother her, that it was over now.

Until next time.

Her fists pounded against the wooden door until her knuckles cracked and her skin split but it was useless; it was too thick, too strong, and too many fists were pounding back from the other side. Panicked, terrified, pleading fists.

Screaming.

So much screaming.

And coughing. The smoke made her eyes water but it was nothing compared to what it must be doing to them, burning their throats, filling their lungs. It was a horrid thought but she hoped it got to them first. Because all those bottles lining the bar… they were pure fuel for the fire that raged through it. And what were men against such a force? There were no halligans here, no masks, no hoses.

They were trapped. All of them trapped.

And screaming.

Tess woke in an instant, swallowing her own shout as she stared wildly at the wardrobe across from her. It took a minute to see past the still vivid vision in her mind to recognize that the wood was blue not brown, that there was no smoke swirling in front of it, no flames flicking through the cracks. No screams. Her hands were in fists though, balled up with her nails digging tightly into her palms but she relished the sting as she released them, the pain bringing her further into the present moment. She was in bed. With Jay pressed against her back, his arm over her waist, his breaths huffing against her hair, his skin warming hers. Too warm right now. She slipped out from beneath him and savouring the cool tile against her feet as she padded into the bathroom, rinsing out her mouth to remove the phantom taste of ash before pulled on her robe and headed onto the deck, inhaling as much of the night air as she could.

Fine.

Everything was fine.

Everything and everyone was fine.

She'd had fun tonight. Truthfully. Yeah there had been awkward moments but things had gone well with his team, with Will. And with Jay. It had been hard for him but he'd gotten through, and hopefully realized that this didn't need to be as fraught with tension as he liked to make it. And judging by his reaction when they'd come home… the passion and possessiveness as he'd taken her, the first time he'd shown even a hint of roughness since she'd come back, the first time his control had slipped told Tess how much the evening had meant to him. How much he wanted it, wanted the two parts of his life to come together. She wanted that too. For him and for her, she just…

She'd underestimated how much going to Molly's would affect her. How stark a reminder it would be that she was in his world now, for better or for worse. And she saw it. What he'd built, what he was a part of. How special it was.

She saw it. And she wanted to protect it.

A few more deep breaths to let go of all that was trying to linger and she headed back inside, crawling into Jay's arms and moving with him when he rolled onto his back, nestling closer until she could hear his heart reassuring thumping. Steady. Warm.

So much warmer than her.