Chapter 7

Thirteen Years Ago

She'd been right about how Jay would react to finding out she was a virgin. She'd been wrong about how he would respond to it.

He was protective, as she'd known he would be.

Not ten minutes after they had gone back inside he'd gotten into it with Will, presumably over his teasing because when she and his aunt and his father had gone outside to see what all the commotion was about they'd found him holding his brother in a headlock, shouting something along the lines of 'don't talk about her like that, she's a virgin!'

It had been sweet, if not one of the most embarrassing moments of her life.

Tess hadn't known what to do and found herself looking at his father of all people, half-asking, half-stating that at least now he knew there hadn't been any funny business. There'd been a beat of silence and then Carol had lost it, great big belly laughs that would have made her want to join in if she hadn't still been in shock. And if Jay hadn't rushed over and all but carried her away. He hadn't let her out of his room for the rest of the night, not even when his aunt had left and she'd tried, though she supposed she'd taken her own turn at holding him back when Will called goodnight through the door; judging by the way she had to pin him to the bed it didn't seem like Jay appreciated her being called a 'little demon'. And if the muffled smack that had sounded in the hallway meant anything their dad didn't either.

The men had a strange, often tense relationship but it was clear that even if they didn't know how to communicate it they still loved each other deeply. It was a dynamic she felt incredibly awkward being a part of, though considering she was practically living with them Tess was starting to get used to it. She had her toothbrush in their bathroom for goodness' sake, lined up right beside Jay's. Still the next morning had been uncomfortable, mostly because Will had kept asking how she'd learned to climb so well while she'd kept offering to clean the offending footprints, to which his dad replied that he'd already done it. Several times. Jay had lasted ten minutes before he'd ushered them out, buying her breakfast on the way to make up for taking her cereal directly out of her hands.

Protective.

And he'd been just as sweet as she'd expected, just as gentle, going above and beyond to make her feel respected- it had gotten to the point where she was racing him to whatever door needed to be opened because he'd stopped allowing her to do it herself.

It was clear he took what she'd told him seriously, she'd known he would, but she was still surprised by the way he handled it. For starters he'd always seemed careful of how much he touched her, and where, but that hesitance seemed to have vanished. In fact he hadn't stopped touching her. Dozens of little caresses, draping an arm over her shoulders or around her waist, playing with her fingers or her favourite, when he tucked her hair behind her ear. He did it constantly, that soft look he'd always given her somehow infinitely softer now. He even kissed her. Quick pecks on her lips or cheeks or hair, longer, more tender brushes against her forehead when they were going to sleep or waking up. Sometimes even real kisses, deep kisses, the kind where he took her mouth and made her head spin. But he never pushed for more, never took it farther than he thought was appropriate, even when she tried to make him.

Well, most of the time.

Tess had been going crazy, all those touches setting her body on fire, keeping her awake imagining what else he could do, what he could make her feel, so two nights ago when they were going to bed she'd rolled over so her back was pressed against his front and just... shifted. A few times. But Jay had known exactly what she was up to; he'd grabbed her hip and held her still, outright asking if she was doing what he thought she was and she hadn't been able to lie. For a long moment there'd been silence, just the sound of his breaths huffing against her neck, so much steadier than hers- his control would've been commendable if it wasn't so frustrating. But then he'd whispered that he needed her to tell him what she wanted, that he couldn't, wouldn't hurt her and all her nerves had vanished. She'd started by asking him to kiss her and once words grew too difficult, and he stayed too respectful she'd guided his hands where she wanted them until finally he gave her the release she'd been begging for. And she'd begged, whenever his mouth hadn't muffled her cries. Tess may have been a virgin but she'd still touched herself before, she had two vibrators thank you very much, but she'd never had a release as powerful as what Jay had given her. She'd tried to return the favour once she caught her breath, for the first time had actually wanted to but he hadn't let her. He'd just tucked her back into his arms, his chocolatey scent quickly lulling her to sleep.

She'd hoped being with him would have helped to bank that fire he could so easily stoke inside her but it hadn't. How could it when he'd gone right back to all those little touches the next morning, a very male smirk on his lips that had lasted right up until they'd crawled into bed once more. But he hadn't touched her again. Partly because they'd been far too aware of his father across the hall, the three had shared another awkward dinner, but partly because they'd been too tired.

She'd have thought they'd get bored of walking along the Riverwalk everyday but they hadn't. They hadn't run out of things to talk about either, and that was the other thing that surprised her. Sure they'd talked before and on the base his voice had been the only thing that kept her sane but for the most part their conversations had been light, designed to keep both of their minds from wandering to dark places. And then pulling them back when they did. It was what they'd been doing for the last week but since she'd told him something had changed. Jay had always seemed to like hearing her opinion on things, what he jokingly dubbed the 'Northern Perspective' but he'd become even more curious. He'd had questions, a lot, and not just about her experience or lack thereof but about her; her parents, her childhood, MIT, The Farm, her ops- he wanted to know everything. And that surprised her.

She had never had anyone show such genuine, insistent interest in her, not to mention that the more she learned about him the more she realized he wasn't the kind of guy who liked to chat. Except apparently with her.

So Tess answered his questions, not always easily, he had some direct ones when it came to what her actual experience entailed but she did. She was more vulnerable with him than she had ever been with anyone and yet it was easier than it had ever been. Jay didn't just make her feel safe, he made her feel interesting and funny and… remarkable. He made her feel seen. And she felt like she saw him. Like right now. That little shake of his head with the half-furrowed brow meant he was annoyed and the intensity of his gaze meant he was coming up with a plan, presumably how to get them inside without getting soaked.

Again.

"I don't understand how this keeps happening."

"It's spring in Chicago. That means storms. You've just got shitty timing." She retorted, holding back a snort when he shot her a look.

"You wanted the desserts too."

"I did, but I also suggested an alternative route that would've gotten us here sooner."

"You can't know that."

Actually she could, and she was willing to bet he knew that- he just didn't want to admit she was right. He had a stubborn streak to match a mule. And her. Sure enough after a second he looked away, failing to hide the smile that tugged at his lips but then his head tilted in that way that told her trouble was coming and the next thing she knew he was giving her wicked grin, basically cackling as he jumped out of the truck and booked it for the house. Tess laughed and quickly followed, her heart giving that little tug when he waited for her under the porch, because of course he would never go in before her. The phone was going off as they ran in so she shut the door while he went to answer it, shaking herself off and flicking on the hall and living room lights before she walked up to his side.

"Is Theresa with you?"

Goodness Carol's voice really carried.

"Yes she's here." Jay replied, rolling his eyes as he listened to her response.

Tess couldn't quite hear exactly what was being said but she caught Carol yelling at her brother, who by the sounds of it would be spending the night with her, and then something else that judging by the way Jay's cheeks went pink had been about her. She trailed after him as he went to kick his own shoes off, mumbling a response before Carol's shrill voice came through once more, this time something about candles and romance that had her own cheeks darkening. But she didn't have time to dwell on it because the lights suddenly surged, giving one bright pulse before everything went black.

"Was that good or bad timing?"

Her voice sounded creepy in the sudden stillness but Jay just laughed, and in between claps of thunder she heard him telling her to stay where she was. She shot him a thumbs up before she remembered that he wouldn't be able to see it then waited until a fluorescent light began bobbing towards her, panning around the room.

"I'm gonna check the fuse box."

"I don't think that's going to do much."

He shrugged like he knew it wouldn't but headed back down the hall anyway, unsurprisingly, so while he did she took out her phone to check on the city's power grid; getting into the system was easy, a little too easy and she made a mental note to send them something detailing the security risks. Anonymously of course. Sure enough a quick scan showed there were blackouts in pretty much every neighbourhood. Every middle- and low-income neighbourhood that was. The disparity was enough to make her want to cause a few more but she had promised Coulson she would stop doing hacks like that, at least do them less, and now wasn't one of those exceptions- she wouldn't do anything that could fall back on Jay. So instead she put her phone away and wandered over to the window to watch the storm.

It was a big one.

Trees shook, their branches whipping back and forth as rain pelted the glass with a fury that made her glad they'd arrived when they had. There'd been little showers throughout the week but nothing like this- this was what they'd been building up to, the pressure that was finally being released.

Tess loved storms. Loved listening to them, watching them, walking in them. There was something cleansing about the downpour, a torrent that washed away everything old. Blackouts were even better. As a child her family would always gather in their living room, not much bigger than this one, and her mom would bring out the ice cream from the freezer while her dad entertained them with shadow puppets. He wasn't very good but his stories were what she really loved- epic tales of battles between good and evil, featuring knights and dragons and witches and wizards. But what she'd loved most about them was that no one was one thing; for every ugly troll there was a kind one, and good didn't always win the day. Of course as a kid she hadn't liked those particular endings but the older she'd gotten the more she'd been able to appreciate them, and now that she'd taken part in a few battles herself she understood the lesson he'd been trying to teach her.

Good and evil didn't exist, not really. Not in separate, easy to identify entities. And not in entirety. Good people did bad things, and quote unquote bad people did good. Honestly that was probably why she excelled at being an operative- she understood the nuances of the fight, and the part she played in it.

A flash caught her attention, not a strike of lightning but a reflection in the window and she turned to see Jay watching her and immediately her heart started fluttering.

Seriously, this was starting to get ridiculous.

"Nothing huh?" She said quickly, hoping it was still too dark for him to see her blush. "I figured- there are power outages everywhere. Looks like we got here just in the nick of time."

There was a pause and she thought she saw his head shake but then he started walking over, her heart picking up more than it normally did when he was close. She'd been so busy thinking about the storm that she'd forgotten they'd be sheltering through it together.

Alone.

"How do you know?"

She tapped her finger against her phone and watched as he nodded, trying to swallow the sudden lump in her throat. "I think I heard Carol say something about candles?"

"She did."

The hint of roughness in his voice made her toes curl and then his fingers brushed against hers, pulling her with him into the dining room. She held the flashlight while he went through the sideboard, grabbing a BBQ lighter and a set of matches, along with several thick, plain white candles that had clearly been bought for this purpose. Knowing the Halstead men it could have easily been any of them.

"We can bring these to my room-"

"No way. This is the first time in weeks you have had the place to yourself and probably the last for a while. You are not going to spend it cooped up in your room." The crappy fluorescent lighting meant she couldn't quite read his expression so she stayed firm as he slowly put the candles to the side, feeling the heat as his eyes ran over her.

"What's the plan captain?"

She hadn't really thought of one, but she didn't really need to. The answer came easily. "We could make a fort."

She still remembered the one he'd made her. She'd never forget it. How he'd surprised her with the little tent set up next to his hill, with the chocolate and the radio and the big, wide opening so they could watch the stars. That he'd gone out of his way to do that for her had said volumes, ones she didn't quite know how to read but could still feel the weight of nonetheless; it had been the most special night of her life.

"You set up the candles, I'll grab the blankets?"

Damn if her mouth didn't go dry at that husky tone.

Tess didn't even try to speak, just passed him the flashlight and picked up the lighter, pretending to flick it to make sure it worked before she felt him at her side and then his lips brushed against her hair and all that rising tension vanished. She relaxed into him and felt their breaths fall into rhythm, one, two, three, four before he kissed her hair one more time and headed upstairs, his footsteps matching the now steady pace of her heart.

She didn't understand how the thing that could drive her so wild could be the same thing that grounded her but she didn't ever want to lose the feeling.

They didn't end up making an actual fort since it would've been unsafe with all the candles but she was just as happy with the outcome. Jay had pushed the coffee table back and filled the space between it and the couch with blankets until it was soft and plush and then he'd opened a bottle of wine while she'd brought out the desserts. Now Tess would be lying if she said she hadn't spent the first twenty minutes jittering with nervous energy but eventually she calmed down, partly because of said wine but mostly because of Jay. He had a knack for soothing her and soon she'd all but forgotten that this was first time they had ever really, truly been alone with each other, treks through the Afghan mountains notwithstanding.

Well, she mostly forgot. Her gaze did seem to keep catching on his lips and she knew he caught her, saw that self-satisfied little smirk, but his eyes were always so soft she hardly felt shy.

She wanted to have sex with him.

He was literally everything she'd waited for- kind, strong, funny, compassionate, intelligent. Hot. Really damn hot. And he liked her. Not just liked, he trusted her. Jay had risked his commander's wrath for her, had respected her in the field and at the table, two places women's voices weren't often heard. Or asked for. And despite how many good men she had found in her life it was still a rarity to find someone like that. Someone who openly admired her, and who she admired in return. Who made her heart melt, her stomach quiver and her insides throb.

So. Much. Throbbing.

"What's this called again?"

Fuck.

She swallowed her bite then took a sip of wine to buy herself time as she held up four fingers, smirking gleefully when he immediately rolled his eyes. "For the fourth time it is called Pavlova. It's a meringue-based dessert from Australia. Or New Zealand, I'm not totally sure. But it's delicious."

"Yeah it is. I think it's better than the cheesecake."

"Agreed. However I do think the chocolate peanut butter was a good pick."

"Thank you." He grinned and took another bite before motioning for her to swap again.

They'd gone out for dinner after he'd declared himself sick of casserole, rather that he would be sick if he had to eat it one more night so she'd let him pick a burger place he liked and for dessert had taken him to one of her favourite bakeries. Every time she went there she got one of the same two things and yet every time it took her at least twenty minutes to decide between them; the aforementioned Pavlova and an amazing lemon cheesecake that could make even her worst day better. They'd had a good debate while they made their choices about which of the desserts offered was better, the options included cake, pie, cheesecake and tortes, and she'd been pleasantly surprised to realize they had similar taste. Neither was a big fan of cake and though he called them 'unnecessarily fancy' she had the feeling he would like a torte if he ever actually ate one. The biggest difference was that he preferred chocolate while she favoured vanilla, a complimentary distinction that upon discovery had made her blush and him grin, to the sixteen-year-old cashier's absolute delight.

"Can I have some more wine?"

"Sure."

She ignored his laugh when he passed it back and she made a face at the taste then gave him her box. She was so full she was going to burst. "Okay, I'm done. Last bites are all yours."

"Nope."

"Yes! I can't eat anymore."

Jay didn't say anything, just pushed them over with that look that said he wasn't going to take no for an answer. After a minute of intense staring she forced herself to take one more tiny bite of each and then gave him her own stern look, enjoying the sound of his laugh as he gave in and finished them off.

"You are very stubborn, you know that?"

She didn't reply beyond a wry smile and another sip of wine, some of the jitters coming back when he looked her over slowly in return.

Tess really liked the way he looked at her.

Quick or lingering he always did it thoroughly, like he had this need to see all of her, to make sure that all of her was okay. That look could make her feel so many different things but right now with his mossy eyes darkening and his throat bobbing ever so slightly it was making her insides twist. She shifted to try to deal with it, for a second afraid she'd been caught when he suddenly leant forward but before she could realize what was happening he had grabbed her right foot and yanked it up to his face.

"Hey!"

A splash of wine hit her right in the face as she fell back and she had to quickly thrust her arm up to stop from upending it all over herself, struggling to see what he was doing from where she'd landed.

Why was he staring at her foot?

She tried pulling it back but he just tightened his grip, and agile as she was she didn't want to hold this position all night. "Can I have that back please?"

Jay looked up, blinked and then flushed, immediately dropping her. "Sorry."

"What were you looking at?" She asked, gesturing for him to take her wine before she pushed herself back up, unable to help her smirk when his flush grew as she wiped the droplets from her chest.

"Sorry. I just- is it for Luke?"

Ah.

Her tattoo.

She nodded silently, taking her glass back as a small but still powerful wave of grief washed over her. God she missed her friend. She still thought of him often, pretty much every day, his jokes, his hugs, his big, stupid grin. Her gaze slowly wandered over to the window, to the storm that was still going strong outside and found herself wondering how much longer it would last. How much damage there would be in the morning. That was what grief was to her- a storm. You could sink or swim, find something or someone to hold onto but no matter what you did you had no control over when it ended. All you could do was weather it. But as a set of fingers gently twined with hers she was reminded how much it helped to have someone beside you.

To have the right someone.

Jay was quickly becoming that person for her. And she wanted to be that person for him, and she thought she might be, but part of the way they worked was that they didn't push- they gave each other space and time and patience. And maybe that had been fine in the beginning but it wasn't right now.

She'd been waiting for him to open up about his mom. Had hoped that everything she'd shared this last week would help him to but he hadn't. Not much anyway- yes he'd begun talking about her more, not just stories from his childhood but after she'd gotten sick, how difficult it had been, but he hadn't talked about the pain. The loss. And Tess knew from experience that that weight was the one to watch for, the one that didn't just crush but buried. And maybe it wasn't her place to make him face it but… she was afraid he wouldn't. He already didn't speak to his family and it was doubtful he'd share these troubles once back on the base. Maybe a little with Mouse but Tess knew the military mentality- emotions were considered a liability, never mind that ignoring them was far more dangerous. And she worried about what would happen if he went back there without dealing with this; the thought of anything happening to him filled her dread, a kind she'd never felt, a kind she honestly thought might break her. Tess knew she couldn't stop him from getting hurt, terrified as it made her, but she had to be able to do something.

Right?

A glance back outside provided the answer and she looked back to Jay, to the soft worry etched on his face that made her heart give that little tug.

"Do you trust me?"

His brows furrowed with confusion but he was still quick to nod and he rose with her as she stood, wary understanding dawning on his face as she pulled him towards the front door.

"We're not.."

"Oh we certainly are-"

And with that she flung open the door and ran out into the street, straight into the downpour.