Chapter 9

Present Day

"I'm just getting the rest of my clothes; I'll figure out what I'm doing with everything else later."

"You could keep it."

"For the I don't know-eth time I don't want to."

"And for the I don't know-eth and one time I don't get why. It's yours."

"I don't need something that's just mine."

"Oh cause that's not codependent." Tess scoffed, moving out of his way so he could unlock the door and then slipping past him to get inside, only half listening to his response as her eyes flicked around his space.

His space.

She was in Jay's home.

"…don't need this one. You already have, however many properties, I'd rather my paycheck go into one of those."

Well, not his for long. Why he was so adamant on getting rid of it she didn't understand but she also didn't really care. If he wanted to live with her, and only in her spaces she wasn't going to complain.

But hell if she was taking a nickel from him.

"Awe. You really think you're gonna pay rent?"

Jay paused mid-shutting the door, his features going slack like he'd just realized the past was coming back to bite him in the ass.

"I am going to pay rent."

She could see in his eyes that he knew he wouldn't be so she just smiled and continued on into the living room, holding back a laugh as he called after her,

"I'm paying!"

His sigh of resignation practically echoed in the silence and her grin grew, not falling per se as she heard his footsteps on the stairs but quieting, and though she was tempted to follow him she didn't, instead making her way to the kitchen at the back. She'd needed a minute alone anyway. To be in here without feeling his eyes on her, without feeling the weight of her reaction on him.

It was exactly how she'd thought it'd be. He'd moved since she'd gone, a few times, including in with Erin's, and then Will when that had ended but he'd been in this place for a little over a year; it was a Brownstone, similar to the style Lydia had had but smaller, and everything was arranged just how she would have expected. Logical. Methodical. And ridiculously clean. Not a lot of personal touches but definitely well used. Lived in. The living room was a bit more intimate, his favourite books arranged alphabetically and by genre, his favourite wool blanket placed atop something newer, something he'd likely been forced to buy but never used. And there were pictures. Not a lot, and none of her, but Tess still looked at every one.

She recognized a few of him and Mouse, one of him and Will but the rest were of his team. From nights out at Molly's to ones that looked like they'd been snapped right in their bullpen, with those they'd lost like Nadia Decotis and Alvin Olinksy to those who had moved on, like Antonio Dawson, Jay's former FTO and Erin Lindsay, his former love.

And the woman who could have been, if she hadn't gotten in the way.

Even in film the connection between Jay and Hailey was obvious, the kind of easy comfort that came when you trusted someone completely. The woman did not trust her. Tess had felt her glancing over throughout the night, and Vanessa, had felt their incredulity as they were filled in on the information they'd missed, their understanding that the bond she and Jay shared went far deeper than either woman had expected. Or wanted. As glad as she was to have Jay back in her life a part of her regretted getting between them, taking away the happiness they might have found with each other but what was done was done and what mattered was where they were now.

Together.

Moving forward.

Getting ready to go if the quiet footsteps behind her were any indication; she'd memorized the sound and rhythm of his stride a long time ago. It would've taken most people longer to pack up their belongings but then she'd forgotten that he viewed clothes as a utility first and a fashion statement last. Such a boy.

"Find anything interesting?"

She put down the photo she'd been looking at and ran her eyes over him instead, the tender wariness on his face, the bags he placed at his feet and especially the shoebox he kept in his hands.

"Maybe."

"Oh you mean this?"

He shook it with a teasing smile but it faded fast and she realized his wariness wasn't for whatever she might have been thinking but what she was going to now. How she was going to respond to whatever was in that little box.

"I know it's not the same but… I just, I don't want you to think that I ever let go."

She could feel his eyes locked on her as he handed it over, so worried, so vulnerable, and as she lifted the lid Tess understood why.

These were her things.

Items he'd stored away, each placed with such meticulous care it was a wonder her heart didn't break. She'd looked everywhere for that hat. That was her favourite hat, she'd gotten it in Montreal, but she'd given it up for lost. Well, not lost. Lost to her. She'd always secretly wondered if he or Mouse had ended up with it, had seen it was hers and tucked it aside for her. And Jay had. Had lain it right next to one of her favourite childhood books, Ella Enchanted, which she had also wondered about, which looked suspiciously thicker than she remembered. And resting on top were one of her old scrunchies, a used Chapstick and the cheapest pair of earrings she had ever owned. He'd gotten them for her, in one of those five-dollar mystery bags, and though they actually weren't bad the dorky smile he'd gotten whenever he talked about what a great deal they'd been was the only reason she'd needed to wear them.

They were all so… personal. And Tess knew he'd chosen each of them carefully, had had his choice of what items he'd wanted to keep, if any, and he'd chosen these. These five little items in this tiny little shoebox.

"Why aren't you sad?"

What?

"Why aren't you angry? Tess this isn't-"

"Don't you dare say it isn't enough."

He didn't think it was. It was written all over his face.

How could he not?

She knew Jay, better than he knew himself sometimes. He needed feel guilty. It wasn't an emotion he could shove down, not for long anyway and usually not productively; he needed an outlet for that guilt, a way to make amends and she hadn't given him that. In showing him that she was fine now she'd skipped over that she hadn't been. But that pain… it was so old to her now. Settled. She didn't want to bring it up again, certainly not for the express purpose of hurting him. But then how could she explain what it meant to her to be holding these things? To just be standing here in his home, the home he'd built without her.

"Jay… it's not that none of this affects me, of course it does, but it… This is part of what I was fighting for."

That hit him hard.

She let it, gave him a moment to feel the guilt and then pulled him back from it, dragging with her nails when he tried to hold on and when he finally looked at her she let him see that there was no guilt in her. No anger. She waited until it started to sink in, until the steel in his eyes melted and his breaths started to match hers and then gave his hand a squeeze, a cheeky smile spreading across her lips.

"The only thing that makes me sad is that I wasn't here to see those cheekbones come in."

"Funny."

"I'm serious."

"I know you are. "Jay said hoarsely, finally returning her squeeze, holding onto her fingers for an extra second as she took a slow step back and nodded to the two duffel bags.

"Did you actually fit everything in there?"

"Pretty much." He said with a shrug, giving her one last gentle look before he turned to grab them. "Just some winter stuff I'll come back for later. My lease is up next month anyway so I'm gonna contact my realtor, see if they want to keep the furniture and appliances and stuff."

"You can't just give it all away!"

"Why not? We don't need any of it and it's not even that nice- you haven't even looked at half of it."

"Well that's true," he snorted and she held back her own laugh, her taste was much better, "but there must be some things you want to keep. We can put them in storage."

"Nope."

He popped the p as he gave her a bland smile, then pointed to the box.

"I do have more of your stuff though, so we will need to stop by my storage unit one of these days."

Tess's heart picked up at the thought but all she said was, "Oh yay, another emotionally charged trip."

"Not for you. You're dead inside. Cold as a fish."

"Watch it or we're putting the bike away too."

His face dropped for half a second before he gave her a disbelieving look. "You wouldn't."

"Not if you let me ride it." She said with a teasing grin as she slipped outside.

Jay was protective of his motorcycle.

Very protective.

He'd only gotten it a couple years before she'd gone, he'd saved up for several and hadn't wanted to accept any help, even when she and Mouse tried to disguise it as birthday and Christmas presents but she knew he would never actually stop her from driving it. She'd learned how to drive one first after all.

"Hey, wait up!"

Maybe she could convince him to go for a drive.

"See? Aren't you glad we came out?"

Jay gave her a dry look as he tucked his helmet away, exchanging a brief nod with the patrolman who held back the crowd as he did.

She had convinced him to take her for a spin, a long one too- they'd driven around for a couple hours until Voight had called. His Sergeant was already talking with Hailey and Vanessa, the trio eyeing them as Adam and Kevin stood looking at the crime scene.

So much for his day off.

The way Jay was eyeing her said he was thinking the same but honestly Tess didn't mind. Neither were strangers to the randomness and odd hours required in their lines of work, both were actually part of why they liked it so much, and what was so bad about losing a day when they would still share the same bed at night? Being able to have that…

"Tell me when you're done. I'll come get you."

"You don't have to do that." Still he stepped closer, staring at her with those soft mossy green eyes as he brushed his hand against hers.

Could Hailey see?

Maybe.

But right now Tess wasn't going to bring herself to care.

"I want to."

With another smile he nodded, his brows narrowing as he pointed at his bike.

"Take care of her. No wheelies or anything. I mean it."

She waved him off, then waved to Voight who was still watching and started the bike, waiting until Jay finally began to walk over to his team before she drove off; she was going to make a quiet exit, honestly she was but as she reached the end of the street she couldn't stop from popping a quick wheelie. When she looked back over her shoulder she swore she could see him and his Sergeant shaking their heads.

This felt… strange.

Really strange.

People could see her. And maybe that in itself wasn't so weird but here? Granted it wasn't the first time she'd waited outside Jay's precinct but it was the first time he'd be aware of it. The first time he'd be waiting for her too. And that was… strange.

Despite a sometimes-strong desire to as a child Tess had never been good at blending in; she was too chatty, too loud, too wild. Bubbly was the word every teacher from kindergarten to grade eleven had used. But now? Now she wore invisibility like a second skin, something she slipped in and out of with ease but right now being out felt…

Strange.

It wasn't a bad feeling necessarily. Uncomfortable but also thrilling, like going scuba-diving or exploring a new city for the first time. What she and Jay were doing had its pressures and its dangers to be sure but watching him walk out those doors, watching the way his face lit up when he spotted her made all the discomfort worth it. She returned Kevin's wave as the man headed to his own car, only glancing back at them a handful of times, then took out Jay's helmet as he crossed the street, smiling when he caught it with a grin and then leaned in to press a quick kiss to her cheek.

"I told you, you didn't have to come."

"And I told you I was going to anyway. How's the case?"

"Nothing we can't handle." He answered with a small shrug. "How was the rest of your evening?"

"Very emotionally intense. I watched the episode of Doctor Who where the Doctor almost dies but in the end saves the day." She was sure he had no idea what she was talking about, not beyond his vague understanding of one of her favourite series but he nodded along anyway and she couldn't help but smile.

"Oh that episode. That's a good one."

"It is. Then I made dinner, there's some for you in the oven, played with Aelin, smoked a bit and took a nap."

Jay huffed a laugh. "Sounds like a good night."

"Better now." She finally moved, swinging her leg over the bike and motioning for him to get on behind her, waiting until he'd settled before she looked back at him. "Oh I forgot, there was something I wanted to tell you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm not wearing anything under this jacket."

His face went still, eyes darkening but she just slipped her helmet on, smiling a moment later when he took her by the waist, his head dropping against her shoulder as his fingers slipped under her jacket. Tess gave his hand a small pat then started the bike, and even though it was late and he'd have to be up early the next morning the feeling of his arms around her was so nice she took the long way home just so she could be in them a little longer.

Still a bit strange, but good.

So damn good.