Chapter 10

Thirteen Years Ago

"Are you serious?"

"What?"

"I'm trying to kiss you and you're making a face."

Tess laughed and gave Jay a little push in the chest, watching as he straightened with a frown. "Well did you have to get extra onions on your hotdog?"

"They taste good!"

"To you maybe."

He scoffed and kissed her anyway, which as expected was very onion-y, then shot her a smirk as he took their wrappers and empty pop cans over to the garbage. Another day, another lunch along on the Riverwalk, and she couldn't have been enjoying herself more. Though the circumstances that had brought them together were horrible they always managed to make the best of the time they had together. Especially these past few days.

Tess liked sex. A lot.

She and Jay had had a surprising amount of alone time together, his father seemed to be coming home later and leaving earlier and while both were confused by his sudden lack of rigidity they'd certainly taken advantage of it. The interactions between the three had even become less awkward, so much so that two days ago when she'd woken around dawn she'd been brave enough to go downstairs for a glass of water, and when she'd found Pat sitting on the couch, his head in his hands as his shoulders shook ever so slightly she'd gathered up the rest of her courage and quietly taken up the spot beside him. His back had stiffened immediately and she'd felt him glancing over at her but she hadn't met his stare, just gingerly placed her hand atop his. She hadn't told Jay about it and when they'd gone down for breakfast later his father had acted as though it had never happened but she'd sworn there was an extra softness in the way he looked at her. Plus he'd given her the last piece of toast.

The sudden ringing of her phone pulled her from her head and she quickly took it out of her pocket, failing to stop her heart from sinking as she read the Caller I.D.

Coulson.

"Hey."

"Hi. How's the Windy City?"

"Windy."

She shouldn't be surprised he was calling; she'd already been home a week longer than she'd thought she'd have but she'd been so wrapped up in Jay she'd forgotten there was a world outside them. A world she had a responsibility to. "You sending me somewhere warm or somewhere cold?"

She listened as he gave her the basic details and started looking around at all the people passing by. Sometimes Tess wished she was still one of them. A civilian, ignorant of the depth of death and violence and corruption that filled the world, but that was the world she'd sworn to defend and they were people she did it for. And she couldn't, wouldn't, regret that.

But that didn't mean her heart wasn't still heavy as she hung up, as she watched Jay head back over to her, clear understanding already written across his face.

"Gotta go save the world?"

She nodded, the only response she could give, then tucked her head under his as he pulled her into his side. If anyone knew how she felt, the mixture of excitement for the next adventure and disappointment that this one had to end it was him.

"I don't- I don't want to sleep in my bed tonight."

Fuck her heart. It ached hearing him say that, thinking about how this was going to be the last night they had together. How long would it be until they had the next?

Would they?

No.

No, she wasn't going to think like that.

It took her a second to swallow past the lump in her throat but then she turned to him, doing her best to hide her sadness. "You do realize you'll be trading Carol for Lydia right?"

He laughed and nodded, his eyes suddenly bright as he reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. "That's fine by me. All I care about is that I'm with you."

They didn't stay downtown much longer after that.

Neither wanted to spend their last hours around other people, around anyone but themselves, so much so that it was a fight just to get Jay to agree to go back to his place. Aside from the fact that she had things there she refused to leave without writing a note to his father and aunt but it wasn't until she admitted that she also wanted to steal another of his hoodies that he finally softened and relented. Still, it was obvious he was in a hurry; he was ushering her back into his car the moment she'd finished signing her name and though normally it would have annoyed her Tess understood his urgency. Every second that passed was a second lost and it made the ones left all the more precious.

They hurried to Lydia's, desperate to have their time alone but once they arrived it was like they didn't know what to do. She'd texted her aunt on the way to inform her and let her know that no, she was not to stay late or disappear the moment she got home- as much as she wanted time with Jay she hadn't spent nearly enough with her aunt and that silent internal countdown was reminding her how important it was to spend time with your loved ones while you could. But it would still be several hours before she was done work. What were they supposed to do until then? She started by going up to her room and putting away her things then turned to fiddling with the different trinkets she had scattered about. She didn't know what to do with herself- except she did. She knew exactly what she wanted and it involved Jay and the bed behind her but… was that a good idea?

The longer they spent in silence the deeper into her head she went and the more doubts she found there. She loved Jay, she knew that, but what sort of relationship could they have? What sort of future?

And what was fair to ask of each other?

"Come here."

She looked over her shoulder to find him staring at her softly, crooking his finger in a come-hither motion and complied immediately, trying not to shiver as she settled between his legs and his hands wrapped around her waist. Tess was by no means tiny but every time he held her she felt like she was. Felt dainty, a word that hadn't been used to describe her… ever.

"One year. My next deployment is only a year. Which means that in thirteen, fourteen months max we'll be right back here. Assuming I don't need you to rescue me again."

And just like that her tension was halved. "You Rangers do seem to need a lot of help."

"What can I say, I guess we're just not as badass as you."

She couldn't help but laugh and though more of her tension eased as he pulled her closer she could still hear all those dubious whispers at the back of her mind, which of course he noticed, reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ear.

She didn't think a strand had even fallen. He just liked the action.

"Hey, it's okay. We're going to be fine."

"I know, it's just… a year is a long time and I want you to know that if- if you find someone else that's okay, I don't-"

"Wait, that's what you're worried about?"

"Well, yeah."

Wasn't he?

"I just- I don't want you to think that I expect you to wait for me. You know, you're not like, beholden to me or-"

"What if I want to be?"

The way Jay was looking at her… it was the way Michael looked at her, or at least the way he used to, when she was still so new she hadn't realized she'd missed something important.

"Tess…There's not going to be anyone else. Not for me anyway. Now if you-"

"No."

She hadn't realized she'd been avoiding his stare until she met it, until that vibrant green pulled her in and held her. "I don't want anyone but you."

"Neither do I." He said softly, and she tried to make herself believe him, she really did, but… how?

How was that possible?

Jay was amazing.

He was charming and funny and smart, smarter than he gave himself credit for, and he was kind. He tried not to show how much he cared but she saw it, saw how much of himself he gave to the people he loved, how deep his sense of justice was. And he was strong. Strong enough that he hadn't let the world take that from him. And she… well she was smart too. A genius actually. And she was funny, in a weird, most people didn't get it kind of way. And she supposed she was strong too but-

Whatever thoughts had been about to swarm her vanished the moment she felt his fingers on her chin and then all she could do was wait as he guided her lips to his, kissing her so tenderly, so thoroughly she had no choice but to believe him. Because she could feel it. She could feel the way Jay felt about her, as clear as if he whispered the words in her ear.

I love you.

She didn't know if he pulled her into his lap or if she climbed on but suddenly she was there, melting into his arms but it wasn't enough. She wanted more. Needed more. She pushed him down then rolled and pulled until he crawled on top of her, letting out a moan when she felt his weight sink into her and then another when he let out his own.

Believe that I love you.

It was like they were in sync. As one they started taking off clothes, sometimes theirs, sometimes the others, running their hands across each other, leaving kisses everywhere they could reach, always trying to get closer.

Believe that I'm yours.

They'd only been together a handful of times and each one had been amazing but this… there was a new sense of urgency and it heightened every look, every caress, drew them both in and drove them wild but Jay… There was a part of him that always stayed in control. Stayed focused.

On her.

Believe that I will never let you go.

He loved her.

More than she had ever been loved he loved her. Maybe more than she ever would be. She didn't understand it. Couldn't fathom it. But she took it. Tess took everything he gave her, wrapped it up tight and tucked it away in the safest corner of her heart and then let him take every piece of her, trusting, believing that he was doing the same.

I'm yours. And you're mine.

To whatever end.

"I promise." Jay mumbled against her lips as brought her mouth back to his, his hand brushing along her face before it slid into her hair and pulled her closer.

It was the only thing he could promise.

The only thing either of them could.

Not that they would come back. Not even that they would have time. But that whatever and whenever their end was, they would love each other through it.

"I promise." She may not have control over everything, or even over a lot, but what she did… Tess would do whatever she could to make sure they got that time. As much of it as they could. "I promise."

They made love two more times. Tess couldn't get enough of Jay- every time she thought she was sated she would remember she was leaving and a sudden, primal kind of panic would overtake her that only he could soothe. And she could tell he felt it too, and it made her feel special to know that she was the one who could soothe it in him. It was that thought that had her pulling him on top of her a third time, she loved the feeling of his weight pressing her into the mattress, but thankfully before they got too lost in each other they heard Lydia as she came home. It helped that she declared her arrival, loudly, and after scrambling to put on their clothes and a few more rushed but lingering kisses they headed downstairs to join her.

So far her aunt was actually keeping it together.

Relatively speaking.

She hadn't stopped smirking and her wine glass was doing little to hide it, not that Tess thought she was even trying; she also hadn't stopped looking between them, the gleam in her eyes growing brighter with each passing glance. But she hadn't said anything, yet, and that despite their awkward entrance and obviously disheveled appearances.

It had taken her three tries to get her jeans on.

Her heart was still racing, skipping a beat whenever she caught Jay's stare or thudding if she caught her aunts. Lydia was going to freak when she found out she'd slept with him. In the best, most loving, ecstatic for her kind of way but that still wasn't something she wanted him to witness.

She and her aunt had always been close. As a kid she'd spent most Christmases with them and every summer would come for at least a couple weeks, and a few times they had even gone to see her in Chicago. Their favourite place to visit was the Shedd Aquarium- both could spend hours at the dolphin and otter exhibits.

And then her parents had died and Lydia became everything to her. She was there through it all, from the days Tess was too grief stricken to eat or speak to pulling her out of class so they could go for cupcakes, struggling to motivate her to do her homework to celebrating every college acceptance letter and visiting Boston at least once a month when she was at MIT. She'd barely even flinched when Tess told her she was joining the CIA. Her only response had been an extreme widening of the eyes when she explained how she'd caught their attention and a mumbled comment about how none of the parenting books or online tech seminars for dummies had prepared her for this.

She'd been terrified. And Tess knew she still was, that she was afraid every time she left, anxiously waiting for her return while dreading what might have happened in between but she never complained. Never told her she was crazy or that she couldn't do it, never suggested she quit, not even when it nearly cost her her life. Lydia always believed in her. And she never judged her.

When Tess was inconsolable because no boys had asked her to dance at her grade eight graduation her aunt had regaled her with tales of all the adventures she'd been on by herself. And when she spent a whole summer crushing on Noah she was the one who convinced her to tell him how she felt, and then took her to the beach to eat an entire tub of ice cream when he told her he didn't feel the same. And when she thought something was wrong with her because she was still a virgin at 20, 21 and 22 Lydia was the one who made her feel proud for knowing her mind and sticking to what she believed.

So Tess knew that when she found out her sweet, starry-eyed niece had found a man who made her feel the way all her novels did she was going to lose her shit. And by the shit eating grin on her face she was getting closer and closer to putting that together.

"Ignore her." She muttered as she came around to Jay's side, rolling her eyes at her aunt as he grinned.

They were making dinner together, one of their favourite pasta recipes, and Lydia had put him in charge of dicing the shallots and garlic while Tess boiled the noodles, seared some chicken and made the sauce. Apparently her aunt was content to just stand off to the side and 'oversee'.

"Is this what you felt when you came over the first time?"

"Oh no, your family are a bunch of heathens. We are much more civilized."

She couldn't help but laugh when his jaw dropped and her smile grew as Lydia let out her own cackle.

"I am so looking forward to meeting your aunt."

The perturbed yet resigned look that crossed his face said Jay knew exactly how that meeting was going to go. And how much trouble it was going to cause him.

She had to force herself to go back to paying attention to the stove in front of her but it wasn't long until she felt the heat of his stare once more, felt the little shiver it sent up her spine and the tug in her heart; Tess knew the way he was looking at her well before she met his gaze but it still made her catch her breath. She loved the way he looked at her. The softness in his eyes and the little half smile that was always on his lips. When her cheeks started to burn she turned away, still slow enough that she caught his satisfied little smirk but judging by Lydia's sudden gasp she wasn't the only one who'd noticed it.

Her aunt's face had lit up like a Christmas tree, she'd definitely figured it out, but before her mouth could even open Tess cut her off.

"Niagara."

Lydia froze, her eyes narrowing as Tess took a relieved breath.

She'd been thirteen, maybe fourteen when her parents had decided to take her to Niagara Falls for Spring Break and since it was relatively close to Chicago her aunt had decided to take a long weekend and meet up with them. And she didn't know why but for whatever reason her dad had been on her that weekend, relentlessly teasing her every time he found her 'making eyes' at a boy, which had just meant looking in their general direction and occasionally blushing when one looked back. But apparently her reactions had been so funny that it hadn't taken long for her mom to start joining in. Lydia had been the only one to take pity on her, calling them old and heartless and promising that she would never do such a thing because she was the cool, fun one. Of course she had, that was what family did, but after that trip all Tess had to do was say the word and her aunt would remember her promise, and most of the time heed it.

The question was, was this going to be one of those times?

"You are so lucky I'm cool kid." Lydia gave Jay one more sly glance and then sauntered over and threw an arm around her shoulders, bumping her in the hip as she did. "You dirty little ho."

Despite the insult her eyes were soft so Tess just rolled her own in response.

"So… when did it happen? And how was he?"

"Oh my god." She quickly shushed her then looked to see if Jay could hear them.

Yeah. He definitely could.

"I bet he was good."

"Would you shut up?!"

Her aunt just shrugged and before Tess could stop her slipped away, taking the garlic from him with a too sweet smile. "Bowls are in that cupboard, cutlery in the drawer beneath."

"Got it." He replied with a quick, militant nod, but Lydia wasn't done yet.

"Yeah you do."

Her foot was slamming into the back of her aunt's knee the second she caught her teasing tone but she just whipped her with a tea towel in return, right in the ass, and for a moment all she could do was glare.

Seriously?

I'm sorry, but this is my sacred duty as your aunt.

Fuck.

Lydia's smile grew, she was absolutely delighted by this, and then together they remembered they weren't the only ones in the room.

Fuck.

Jay was staring at them in wide-eyed shock, surprised both at their behaviour and how he was supposed to handle it, evidenced by the fact that he quickly turned and started grabbing cutlery, clearly doing his best not to get in the middle. She shot her aunt another glare but she just grinned and before Tess knew it they were going at each other again, more playfully this time but with a touch more pressure and precision on her part until finally Lydia broke away, laughing loudly as she headed into the living room.

"Alright, what do you guys want to watch? Action? Comedy? Rom-com?"

You're a bitch.

You love me.

"You don't eat at the table?"

They both turned to Jay who clearly regretted speaking but it seemed her aunt was done messing with them. For now.

"Would you like to?" She asked politely, her lips quirking up when his head gave a fast shake.

"Put on a comedy." Tess interjected, taking one long, deep breath before she turned to him, unable to help laughing at the still dismayed look on his face. "Told you you'd be trading Carol for her."

"I still think that's a fair trade."

He might be right.

It just depended on the kind of embarrassment you were in the mood for. Though honestly… she was looking forward to experiencing both.

Tess didn't really have a lot of people in her life. Not anymore.

Before her parents had died she'd had lots- Sam and Clara and Noah and Isiah, Jo and Jen and Adrienne but after the accident… she hadn't tried to isolate herself.

Not as much as she had.

At first it had just been too hard and then it hadn't made sense to get close to anyone new, not when she only had a year left and though sure there'd been a few girls she could have considered friends, girls she'd sat with at lunch or gone to the mall with she'd never put a lot of effort in. And then at MIT she'd been so focused on her studies, on the different ways she could apply what she was learning and it was way more fun to stay in and wreak havoc on the capitalist patriarchy than it was to go to a party. The last time she'd actually had to make friends was with her team and by a stroke of luck, or Coulson's careful planning, that had been seamless. From the first moment she'd stepped onto the plane with them they'd had her back, and she'd had theirs.

They were family too now.

But it was a different kind of family. They saw each other through the most dangerous, sometimes heinous situations, right up until they came home and then they went their separate ways. Then she was alone. Of course she had Lydia but that was different too and that… that was it. And it wasn't like she had the time to make friends now, or even that she would if she could. Operative identities were taken seriously and she didn't see the point of having someone in her life if she could only do it half way.

But sitting here with Jay she had both worlds, both versions of herself. The strongest sense of family she'd ever known.

And they sat there for hours. Just swapping stories, mostly about her to her chagrin, except not at all because she loved every minute of it. The sight of Sasha in his lap and Lydia's grin were enough to make hearing her most embarrassing moments not just tolerable but fun, to the point where she even began to volunteer them. The look on his face when she confessed how at thirteen she'd been nervous about getting her period while surfing had been priceless, as had his look when she explained that great whites were often spotted in the waters off the island and that she'd even had to go back to shore a few times because they came too close. Of course it was a myth that they were attracted to period blood but at that young age she'd been worried, though not as much as he seemed to be.

Such a city boy.

Jay seemed so at ease here, far more than he'd been at his house; when his family had been around he'd always been a bit stiff, always kept one eye on her and at least a few inches of space between them but now he had her tucked into his side for goodness' sake, his fingers openly trailing up and down her arm. Though to be fair Lydia had all but pushed her into him. And by that she meant she'd kicked her, hard, pushing with her foot until they took the hint and made themselves comfortable. Tess could tell that her aunt flustered him but with an unconventional relative of his own he knew how to deal with her. Also the two just got along, so much that sometimes she just sat between them and watched as they went back and forth.

She didn't think she'd ever heard him laugh this much.

But like all good things the night came to an end, with Lydia loudly declaring with yet another wicked smirk that she was going to bed and that they needn't worry about making any noise because her sleeping pill would knock her right out. Tess loved her aunt, she really did, but damn did she like to push her buttons. She even tried to whisper a dirty joke in her ear as they hugged goodnight but that was when Tess cut it short, pushing her towards her room with a roll of her eyes and subtle flip of the finger as she headed towards her own.

Jay's gentle hand on her back as they made their way up the stairs helped to soothe the knot that was starting to form in her stomach but she knew that the closer it got to morning the tighter it would get and this time nothing was going to make it go away.

Nothing except maybe him.

He went straight to his backpack, with such intent that she was instantly curious and by the time he lifted his hand to call her over she was already at his side, peering into the open bag.

"I have something for you."

T-shirts. And sweaters, all bundled together but each so different she knew he hadn't just grabbed them at random, that he had chosen each one with her in mind.

"Take your pick."

He'd brought all of these just so she could choose her favourite?

"You're taking them all. But you need one for tonight."

All of them?

Her hands trembled as she slowly reached in to get a closer look but she couldn't make them stop. He'd picked these for her. A thick burgundy hoodie, perfect for staying warm on a cold night and a lighter black zip-up one, light enough that she already knew she'd be bringing it on every op, layering it with both of the shirts, the dark gray V-neck that must show off the green in his eyes and the Henley that was the same colour, the one she could already imagine herself nuzzling into those nights the ache of missing him grew stronger. But what about tonight?

What did she want to wear tonight?

Neither of the sweaters. She wanted to feel him. As much of him as possible which meant there had to be as little fabric as possible.

T-shirt it was.

She pulled it out and finally looked at him, feeling her breath catch in her throat as she did. The emotion in his eyes, in the way he looked at her, at her… She didn't know how to handle it.

She didn't know what to do with it.

She didn't know anything.

But he did.

Jay slowly took the top from her and put it to the side and then he reached for her shirt, his fingers waiting patiently on the edge of her hem for her nod before he lifted it up. And then he did the same with her bra, never once taking his eyes from hers as he traded them for his own, tugging the material around her shoulders until it sat in a way he liked and then he knelt, still looking at her with that sweet, steady softness as he slipped off her socks and jeans. It was a very strange, funny feeling she got in her stomach whenever she saw him on his knees and his careful attention as he absentmindedly folded her clothes made her heart tug but then his brows furrowed as he took in her bare legs and she felt her lips quirk up.

"I don't usually wear pants to bed." Tess informed him, accurately guessing the cause of that disgruntled little crinkle, right before the darkening of his eyes made her throat tighten.

"I'm gonna remember that."

The huskiness in his voice sent shivers down her spine but the hint of mischief made her smile and she pulled him up, wrapping her fingers in the soft cotton of his shirt until he gave her a crooked grin and pulled it over his head. His jeans were quick to follow but when he reached for the blanket her heart went from tugging to thudding and before she knew it she was grabbing his hand to pull it back.

She liked the idea of being snuggled up next to him, having his arms wrapped around her but once they got under those covers they weren't coming out until morning and that wasn't something Tess was ready to think about yet.

Instead she led him over to the window seat, pausing for a moment as she considered her options. She could still have his arms around her if she sat back against him, and the bonus feeling of his lips brushing against her but then she wouldn't get to look at him. And she wanted to see him. Wanted to start memorizing those freckles. Decision made she sat, drawing her legs up and placing them between his before she leant forward, playing with the fingers of his hand while he played with hers.

"Talk to me?"

"Always."

They talked for hours. Tess didn't always know about what, which might've been bad considering she was doing most of the talking but she was usually more interested in his replies and those always made her smile. Whether he was distracting her by making her laugh or soothing her worries by rubbing his thumb across the back of her hand or pressing kisses to her fingers he was the only thing that kept the encroaching heaviness at bay. It wasn't so much that she was worried about her op- there were always risks but she trusted her team and she trusted herself and had learned that that was all she could really do. But the act of actually leaving… it had been fun at first. An adventure. All the places she got to go, the cultures she got to experience and the people she got to meet, the ways she got to learn and grow and push herself. And those things were still fun, still filled her with excitement and lit a spark in her soul but there were other things too. Pain and death and corruption. Cruelty. And though those weren't exclusive to the world she now found herself a part of she still had a front row seat. With a backstage pass. And every time she stepped out the door to walk into that a part of her changed.

And Jay understood that.

Even though some of their experiences might differ the emotions they brought up didn't and even though she knew it made him uncomfortable to discuss them so openly he did. Tess got the feeling there wasn't much he wouldn't do for her and light as it made her heart it made the knot in her gut tighter.

Eventually they wound up in bed but the passion and urgency that had filled them earlier didn't rise again and instead they just held each other, letting the silence grow longer between each story as they spent their last few quiet hours taking each other in. That bittersweet hint of dark chocolate in his earthy musk. The feel of his fingers in her hair and his lips brushing against her temple. The strength of his arms no matter how they wrapped around her- and she made sure to enjoy every position. Curled into his side, tucked underneath him, sprawled on top of him. The only times either let go was when they had to use the bathroom and when they began to hear Lydia quietly moving around downstairs; Jay didn't say anything when she slipped out from beneath the covers, just raised his brow in a way that said he was wishing her luck. And when she met her aunt in the kitchen and remembered she was wearing only his shirt she needed it.

They had a quick but thorough chat filled with hushed squeals and blushing cheeks, at least on her end, and though it still made her heart clench when she gave her one final hug goodbye Tess felt better for having shared this joy with her. But not much later it was time for her and Jay to say farewell, both sticking close to the other as they waited on the front step for her cab. He'd offered to drive her but beyond the fact that it was too risky, airports had way too many cameras and she knew exactly how easy it was to hack them, she couldn't drag this out any longer.

It was time to go.

"One year?"

Jay nodded and pulled her into him, brushing a kiss across her forehead as he did. "One year."

"Unless you need rescuing."

"I might try to set that up just so I can see you."

"Do not do that."

He grinned but it didn't take long for it to waver and then he was quickly pulling her closer.

Fuck this was hard.

"Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me something?"

"Anything."

"Don't shut down again." Tess didn't know what she'd do if he did. The thought of him alone was bad enough, the thought of him in pain was unbearable. "Talk to Carol or Mouse or send me a thousand letters, just… don't shut down."

"I promise."

His words were solid and she sank into him, taking one last minute to soak up as much of that strength as she could. And though tears stung at her eyes when he began kissing her she held them back, and she didn't hold on when he pulled away.

"Promise me something?"

"Anything."

He took her pendant between his fingers and hers went to meet them, as always finding steadiness in the feel of the cool metal. And in him.

"Stay safe."

"I promise."

I'm coming back to you.

Like he could hear her Jay's eyes flared and he yanked her into him, taking her mouth in a fierce kiss that finally betrayed his calm appearance. But now she was the one who was ready.

"See ya Ranger."

One last glance, god damn he was handsome and she turned, giving the disgruntled cabby a sheepish smile as she slid inside the backseat. The first thing she did once she sat down was flip open her bag, the twisting in her gut relaxing as soon as her fingers gripped the soft material of his hoodie. She quickly slipped it on and found Jay still watching her and the smile on his lips had more of those nerves settling. She was coming back to him.

Her Ranger.