Ask and you shall receive; this fanfiction is published on other websites and some have asked for a bit more insight into Bláithín's childhood. The request itself was vague but I had always intended anyway to show more of her life when she was in Mitras and with her mother.

I forgot to include this in the last chapter, but in case you didn't know, Ioana is pronounced like [yo-anna]. I had originally intended for chapter 20 to come out on the same day as this but after rereading it, I wasn't too happy with it. Some parts need revision, but it will be ready in a few days!

Freudvoll

Und leidvoll,

Gedankenvoll sein;

Hangen

Und bangen

In schwebender Pein;

Himmelhoch jauchzend,

Zum Tode betrübt—

Glücklich allein

Ist die Seele, die liebt.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Bláithín sat down at the table in the Mess Hall and began chewing on the scraps of food she had picked up. Just mouldy bread with a banana and an apple. It's not much, but it will do for now anyway.

The last few days they had off were certainly needed but now, it was back to work. The new year had started not too long ago, hopefully 846 would be better. Then again, nobody was quite the same after the fall of Wall Maria. The Survey Corps were hopeless as it is and all they ever knew was defeat, but this was a new low.

And so, Bláithín picked at her food until Levi sat next to her. He hadn't grabbed anything to eat but he did have his usual cup of black tea. And it wasn't long before the rest of the squad sat around him. Ioana sat beside Bláithín while the rest of the squad clambered around Levi. Oluo and Petra eagerly asked him questions and begged for tips on getting as good as ODM gear as he and Bláithín; they had been watching them train together or do demonstrations out in the clearing.

Needless to say, they had yet to become used to Levi's typically disinterested attitude and his abrasive and cold exterior. He wasn't saying much apart from one worded answers. He was looking ahead at Bláithín who seemed to be very shy today, much like how she used to be back when she was his superior.

"Oi." He called out to her. This got the attention of everyone in his squad. They noticed he was staring at her.

She shook her head and blinked a few times, trying to snap out of it. "Yes?"

Levi peered over and noticed how little she had eaten even though she had been sitting in the Mess Hall before them. In fact, it looked like she had pushed some of it around to make it look like she had eaten more than what it seemed.

He snapped his fingers and this made their eyes meet. He quirked a brow, she did look awfully tired today. While he initially met her with his typically hardened gaze, his eyes did soften upon seeing her in this state.

Whatever this state was.

"What is it?" she asked him.

"Stop picking at your food like a child and eat." He ordered.

"I'm not hungry." She replied, dismissively, looking right back at him.

"I don't actually care, get a grip and eat." He said, and his word was final.

Levi was always able to get her focus back on, but Levi was always able to keep his emotions in check. This was something Bláithín always tried to do but failed, and she really admired Levi's professionalism… even if he was a sour puss all the time.

Their stare was broken by the sound of someone clapping their hands. It was Erwin. He was walking in with Hange in tow and he stood up at the podium in the Mess Hall. Next to him was a map of the land, with three circles to represent the Walls. He looked around and gathered people's attention with his eyes alone. That was the power of the ever-so commanding Erwin Smith.

"Attention." He called out. Everyone's bustling in the Mess Hall ceased in an instant. Funny how only a few months ago he was just promoted to Commander of the Survey Corps yet people already preferred him to Keith Shadis. "I do hope you are all well-rested after having some time off but it is time we get back to it. As of now and for the foreseeable future, we have no way of reclaiming Wall Maria. If such a thing is even possible… However, while the plan to reclaim Wall Maria is one standby, we still know next to nothing about the Titans. I propose that if we are to go to Wall Maria one day, we need to make a path; a path we can return to each time from the Trost District and a path we can easily follow to build supply bases on."

Everyone stared on. This meant continuous expeditions and while they may not be as large scale, it involved multiple excursions beyond the Walls. That combined with the fact that each excursion would conclude further out from the Walls every time.

"I understand that the first few expeditions will be no hassle, especially for our veteran soldiers. But a time will come where expeditions will last more than just a few hours and they'll last a couple of days and those expeditions will really test you. If this all goes ahead, I can see our numbers falling by forty percent. A terrifying number."

Well, always leave it to Erwin Smith if you're ever looking for a reality check, Bláithín said to herself.

"As such, to save us of some grief, we will embark on an expedition halfway between Trost and Wall Maria," he announced and pointed to an area of the map. "This area right here, given the amount of forest surrounding it. Titans could destroy one over time and I believe if this mission is at all successful, we will be more than motivated to set up another supply basis or two closer to Wall Rose. I believe in getting the hard work done first and then the easier work will be truly simple."

As tough as it was to imagine and bear, he did have a point. But usually when Erwin announces any idea of his, he expects it to be carried out as soon as possible.

"We leave tomorrow at sunrise and it will be an overnight stay. So pack warm and bring a bedroll. There's a cave nearby and we will camp there."

Bláithín nodded and stood up from the table. Levi noticed she had at least eaten most of the food on her plate. He nodded to himself, happy she was still taking care of herself even though this was only something small and it was probably just an off day. Everyone has off days, he was no exception. And in the Survey Corps, unless you keep your mindset in check, every day can be an off day.

Still, Bláithín had been doing so well mentally lately, he wondered to himself what could be triggering it. All he knew is that it was more than just her still relishing their time off.

No, this was something deeper.

Everyone excused themselves and headed to their dorms or private bedrooms to start mentally preparing and packing for this expedition.

Bláithín made her way back to her bedroom. Now that she was officially Vice Captain of the Special Operations Squad - since she had been largely unavailable up until recently, what with doing paperwork on Levi's behalf and taking time out to visit Eden - she was more than happy to be in a bigger room. She imagined Levi's room was just as big too now. Vice Captain was of a higher position than Squad Leader after all.

Her bedroom was actually two rooms, but there was a wall in the middle separating her office from her bedroom and own ensuite. In her office, there was always a stack of paperwork… if you could call it a stack, it was very messy and poorly organised. Her desk was made of fine walnut and there was a bookshelf to her left whenever she sat down to do work. It was lined with books, books she had bought over the years. Reading wasn't something she had the time to do often but if she was ever particularly antsy or anxious, reading would help take her mind away. On her desk, there was always a cup of tea she forgot to bring out to the Mess Hall.

Thank god Levi has never walked in here, he wouldn't be impressed by the state of her room.

She walked through the door and began to pack. She opened up the wardrobe that had a dirty mirror screwed in. It wasn't a full length mirror, just enough to show down to her waist. She cast a glance at herself before disrobing. She often liked to take a good look at herself whenever she was topless, simply because she - and many female soldiers here - didn't look like, well, girls. Instead they were lean and toned. Sure, they have their curves but what was more striking were the imprints left behind by their 3DMG or the bruises and scars that never seem to go away.

They all told stories. And Bláithín was happy she was like this; had she not been a soldier by now, she probably would have been a housewife or even a mother down in Shiganshina.

That was one of her unachievable goals, motherhood. And she always had long since accepted that she would never become one. Besides, her mindset was not in the right place even if she wasn't a soldier.

She pulled her rucksack out from the wardrobe and tied her bedroll to it. She flipped it open and saw she still had some stuff from the last expedition she could use again; rope, fire lighters, an oil lantern and an extra poncho. She'd still need to restock on rations and her beaker of water. She threw herself down onto her bed after changing into a fresh pair of military pants, a white shirt and Scout uniform. She knew she had to prepare herself mentally but today she wasn't quite there, and she knew exactly why. Today was an emotionally triggering and challenging day for her.

She had shut her eyes for a bit and allowed her thoughts to run wild and the urge to give in and let them consume her. But instead, she opened her eyes and decided to try to make patterns on the ceiling above her, like it was her blank canvas. Anything to distract her.

Speaking of distraction, there was a knock on the door. Bláithín tried to guess who it was based on the way the person knocked. It was five taps, and not very loud. If it was Hange, she would have burst right in. If it was Erwin, he would have knocked louder and called her name from outside the door. If it was Levi, he'd knock three times and it would be a rather intense or demanding knock, so to speak. Plus, if you listened carefully enough, you would be able to hear Levi's foot tapping impatiently from the other side.

This knock was new, who could it be?

She walked over to the door and answered it. It was the olive-skinned girl from her and Levi's squad.

"Ioana… w-what are you doing here?"

It was strange, a relatively new recruit made her way over to the elites' side of the dorms. In the Survey Corps, there was this unspoken rule amongst the elites and that was - unless it was an emergency or the two had a close bond over the years of working together - that the rookies never outwardly sought the attention of their superiors unless there was a valid reason.

It was an unspoken rule so she wouldn't get in trouble. The reasoning behind this rule is so that nothing inappropriate happened between superior members and less experienced soldiers. Relationships, fornication, it all happened within the Survey Corps and that was never a major cause for concern unless someone dear passed away, but it was not right for it to happen between a superior and their rookie. It was generally frowned upon.

Ioana looked shy but she still had the same dull and empty stare in her eyes that made Bláithín feel uneasy. Enough for her to make her want to take a step back and her discomfort was written all over her pale face.

"I-I… uh…" she began, "I wanted to know where your room was." She admitted, diverting her eyes.

"Huh?" she squawked. Ioana seemed to be riddled with social anxiety, or that was Bláithín's initial hypothesis at least.

Her room? Well, Bláithín did say she would be around if they needed her for any reason, to chat and unload or for extra training and the like. But Bláithín was never in her room apart from sleeping, she was always found in the Mess Hall. She preferred to do work in the ambience of other mingling people. It's not like she was an elusive figure of the Scouts.

"Well…" Bláithín started, "you know where it is now."

Did Ioana knock on every door of the hall to find her? Or did she follow her?

Ioana Meyer was a strange one.

"Is that all?" Bláithín continued as she eyed down at the woman. She wasn't much shorter. Bláithín was never too tall to begin with, only 5'4" in height but Ioana was easily three inches shorter than her.

Ioana mumbled a 'yes' under her breath, saluted and traipsed down the hall again. She was about to shut the door when she noticed Levi was waiting for Ioana to finish talking. He was leaning against the wall.

"The hell's your problem today, brat?" He asked. Bláithín noticed it sometimes took him a while to stop calling her brat after just talking to their squad. His eyes widened when he realized he just called his former superior a brat.

Just one of the many things that made Levi… Levi.

"Just an off day." She answered, trying to dismiss him but he wasn't having that for a second time today.

He sighed and there was more of a softness to his eyes now than before. "Explain to me why, Bláithín." he implored.

Her hand on the doorknob to her room tightened. "It's the eleventh of January today." She replied and shut the door to him, needing time by himself.

Levi paused to himself but she remembered in almost the past two years of knowing her, she has mentioned this date once or twice to him, stating how much she hated this day and would love to be in the position to sleep it away.

"Oh." He said to himself, once the realization dawned on him. "January eleventh, huh…"

This was the date her world turned on its head.

Today was the anniversary of her parents' death.

(837, winter.)

A young Bláithín was reunited with her parents, but little did she know that this was going to be the last time.

Her mother, a noblewoman from Mitras, was an elite soldier in the Survey Corps. As to why she abandoned a life of riches to become a soldier was beyond Bláithín. All she knew was that her mother, Aisling, was a kind woman and though absent from her life, she provided everything Bláithín and Elise could have ever wanted. Maybe after marrying her father, Simon - a commoner from Wall Rose - her mother realized there was more to life than being mollycoddled in Wall Sine.

Regardless, Aisling never mentioned and as such, Bláithín or Elise never thought to ask.

"Mom!" Bláithín cheered as she and Elise ran up to her. Aisling was down on one knee with arms open, waiting for her daughters' embrace. "Mom!" she cheered again.

Aisling embraced them both with tears in her eyes and smiled up at her husband. Though Aisling and her husband were elites in the Survey Corps, they made sure to visit their children in her brother's care as often as possible.

This was when Bláithín was at her happiest, in her parents' arms. Every other passing moment would never compare. She and Elise relaxed in her parents' arms and they walked to their house.

Bláithín and Elise lived in their uncle's estate when their parents were gone but Aisling and Simon had their own small house in Mitras also where they retreated to when they got to see their children. It was a small cottage tucked away in a cul-de-sac. It had overgrown ivy winding around the upper windows and on the lower windowsills sat a mixture of lavenders and lilies. These flowers were always taken care of by their neighbours.

Bláithín and Elise walked inside and sat at the table with their parents. Aisling immediately began to make tea and Simon had an arm-wrestle with Elise. She loved them both her parents, but Aisling spent more time with her daughters and for a very simple reason.

Aisling Hahn was still a Lady and she was a mother who had to educate her daughters. She never wanted her daughters to face the terrors of the Titans and made sure they were educated, cultured and knew what it meant to be a good housewife. She also made sure they had plenty of options in which to get jobs in case, for whatever reason, they didn't follow the norms of Sine and become housewives right away. As such, Bláithín spoke languages, was well-read and played violin. Elise on the other hand spoke languages and excelled in maths and physics. They practiced and studied plenty and never even had the chance to be bored.

A lot on their plate but this was everything Aisling was expected to learn as a child, what with once being the heir of the Hahn estate. They had to represent as one of the most famous families in all the land. Aisling needed to make sure that through these diligent lessons, her children would become fine young women and approached by the best suitors. People in the Hahn family tended to be overachievers and failure was never an option. Perfection was expected. Aisling never punished her children for not cooperating, but she did give them a talking-to if they went behind her back.

She only had the best intentions in mind. Those intentions were to keep them as far away from the Titans at all costs. That was Aisling's dream.

Bláithín never minded either; if it pleased her mother, she would do everything ten times over. Even back then, Bláithín always lived for other people.

One morning, Bláithín had been practicing violin. She had done a quick play-through of one of the concertos she had been studying with her teacher when she heard a racket coming from the sitting room. She placed her violin down in its velvet case and walked into the sitting room. Her mother was packing. She was leaving again soon.

This time, though, her mother was crying already.

Aisling always cried leaving her children behind, as any military parent would, but never this early on. Not while she was packing.

"Mom?" Bláithín asked, walking up to her. Her mother gasped and tossed something in her backpack so that her daughter wouldn't see it. A piece of paper, seemingly. Her mother opened her arms, inviting her in for a hug and she continued to sniffle. "Why are you crying, mom?" she asked. "If you are this upset, will you tell me why?"

Aisling shook her head and quickly tried to compose herself. She held Bláithín by the hand and brought her into the kitchen. Aisling began to make tea for them both, adding a few spices for taste. She set two cups down on the table and she passed a sweet smile to her daughter.

Bláithín may have been young but she knew that smile was fake.

They sat in silence and eventually, the silence became comfortable. Once her mother stopped crying again. It was clear she wasn't going to explain why. Bláithín saw her hastily tuck a slip of paper into her rucksack though, maybe that was what upset her.

She chalked it down to the fact she was leaving again and Bláithín was overwhelmed by the fact that she was going back to her uncle, Sven. The uncle who ignored and dismissed her, who openly said she is useless.

The uncle who told her he has no reason to love her.

"Mom, you love me, right?" Bláithín asked.

Aisling didn't react. She knew why she was asking this, she knew what her brother was like. There were so many things Aisling would love to protect Bláithín and Elise from and her brother's abuse was one of them. But they had nowhere else to go when she was off with the Scouts. She reached out for her daughters hands.

"Of course, Bláithín. Your existence is my everything, as is Elise's and your father's…" she said, her voice getting quieter.

Bláithín's eyes were becoming heavy. "I-I feel… sleepy all of a sudden..." She murmured.

Aisling looked into the teapot, stood up from the table and took Bláithín's cup and chucked it down the drain. She washed the cup and made sure all of the powder was gone. This was for Bláithín's good, she didn't have the heart to tell her why yet and for some reason, slipping a harmless powder into her tea seemed easier for now. She picked up Bláithín and carried her up the stairs and laid her down on her bed.

"You're leaving soon, aren't you?" Bláithín asked.

"Yeah," she said, as she smoothed over her daughter's hair, "but I'll be back soon and-" she paused to collect herself. "You'll see me again."

Her mother stood up and walked towards the door. Just as Bláithín's eyes got heavier, she remembered something her uncle mentioned in passing here and there. It was something that she had always ignored and pushed aside but now her mother and her were alone, she could ask.

"Uncle Sven says that he has a dream and a vision… and that I have a purpose…" she began, looking up at the ceiling, "do you know what that means?" Aisling shook her head.

She looked out over the stairs of their tiny home. "I don't know, Bláithín… Remember that I love you. If nothing else, just remember that." She said as she started to close the door. "Your purpose, my little flower, is just to live and maybe everything will all be okay soon…"

Bláithín awoke the following morning, her forehead beading with sweat. She sat up and tried to make sense of her surroundings again. She was awoken by both this weird memory and also the sound of soldiers bustling outside the door.

Oh, yes, there's that expedition today, she reminded herself.

Bláithín tore off the quilt and sat at the edge of her bed. She pulled out a hairbrush from her bedside locker and began to brush through her light, blonde hair. She began to think over the weird memory again.

Bláithín never liked to remember her childhood unless it was happy memories with her family, which were few and far between. As such, she often tucked her memories away and put a mental cover over them, so to speak. This was always effective if she distracted herself, but the memories often cropped up on important dates such as the day prior.

"Purpose, huh…" she murmured to herself. "And yet you never wanted me around…"

She got up and walked over to the mirror of her wardrobe as she began to change. "And even though I was such a good child, you still never wanted me… Can't believe I am only remembering this now."

And for ages, she never wanted herself either. But she wasn't going to slip into this mindset again so easily. She had seen the way it had hurt others. Her mother was wrong though, everything had not turned out okay.

She chewed on her lower lip before letting out a sigh. She decided this wasn't worth mulling over since it didn't make any sense. She needed to get into the right mindset for today.

She continued to get changed. She tied her hair into a ponytail and she huffed with pout when her baby hairs wouldn't cooperate. She proceeded to put on her cloak and put on her 3DMG. Once she had eaten some breakfast, she went out to the stables and retrieved her horse. She was one of the few soldiers whose horse was still alive. She nuzzled against her horse and rubbed her mane. Levi spotted her and walked over to her, his squad followed behind him like he was some celebrity.

Well, Humanity's Strongest was the closest thing to a celebrity that humanity had. Rumours had circulated around Wall Rose and Sine of a formidable raven-haired soldier and needless to say, he had a few fans… or perhaps a cult following at this stage.

Levi laid a sheet down before them on the ground. It was a diagram of the Scouting Formation devised by Erwin Smith. It was Squad Levi's first proper expedition beyond the Walls. During the Fall of Wall Maria, they had been on the sidelines and helped with supplies. This time, they would be fighting.

"So, you know where we are, right? We're always centre rear. Safest spot in the formation. Our duty is just to relay signals and, if the Titan situation gets nasty or if Hange ever manages to convince Erwin to capture a Titan, we'll be brought in," Levi explained. He cast his glance at Bláithín who was looking at the diagram too. "Bláithín and myself will be leading you five, and if we tell you to shoot a flare, you do it."

The five of them looked terribly nervous, but that was expected. This was the reality, the reality of not knowing you were going to make it home.

"Remember the colours that correspond with each flare," Bláithín added. "If at all possible, we avoid Titans unless they are Abnormals, which have the potential to mess up the formation. We engage the Abnormals, even if it means fighting on flat ground."

Oluo stood up. Petra looked up at him and scowled. Those two didn't seem to get on, and it was probably because of how flirtatious Oluo was with her. "Hey, Petra. You can always count on me if you get scared." He boasted, cracking his knuckles. He had a wry grin plastered on his face.

Petra was obviously more enthralled with Levi though. Not that it mattered, hopefully she knew not to pursue her superiors too much. Bláithín wasn't sure if it was nipping it in the bud or not just yet.

This irked Oluo, though, and it wasn't long before he came into training one day with a cravat. Bláithín snickered at this and Levi on the other hand was incredibly disturbed. Bláithín teased him "Captain McTrendsetter" for the day, which Levi wasn't impressed with initially but he decided to let it slide.

And it wasn't long before Oluo sported an undercut, just like Levi.

It wasn't done as neatly though, Levi was used to cutting his hair into an undercut for years. And if Bláithín was going to be honest, Levi looked much better in an undercut anyway. Oluo's haircut was so uneven and poorly done.

"You've changed recently…" Petra drawled, "I don't know why and I don't think I want to, but you seem to be imitating the Captain for some reason? I think you should cut it out. You're trying to talk like him yet you two are nothing alike." She huffed.

Levi and Bláithín looked on ahead and Bláithín cleared her throat to get their attention. Ah, she missed having this authority over people sometimes.

"Saddle up, we're going to ride over to the opening of the Trost District." Bláithín ordered.

The horses and soldiers made their way through the Trost district. Citizens had gathered around and whispered in hushed tones. You couldn't exactly call it whispering though, you could perfectly hear what they were saying. It was mostly praise for Commander Erwin and ladies gushing over Levi.

Captain McTrendsetter and he happens to be winning the hearts of all the women around him, ha. They don't know how much a miserable bastard he can be, Bláithín said to herself, smirking.

"Kick their asses, Commander Erwin!"

"Give them a good thrashing!"

Bláithín and Levi were riding next to each other. Whenever Levi was standing just outside the barracks - not even openly walking in public - he could feel the stares. He was told by Bláithín to not react as that will only make them want to do more. It was a source of entertainment for them. Bláithín heard her fair share of rumours about herself too when she took the three mercenaries under her wing. People were calling for her to get a new squad or for Keith Shadis to have them shipped out to the front lines for the sole purpose of being eaten.

But now it was the opposite, and Levi's cult following seemed to grow by the day.

"Hey, look! It's Captain Levi!"

"Oh my, he is apparently a whole brigade by himself!"

"He's not alone though, isn't that his old superior next to him? Bláithín Hahn, right?"

"How do you reckon he passed through the ranks that quickly, I certainly have my suspicions…"

"You haven't heard? They're sleeping together."

Levi's eyes only widened slightly, but anyone who knew him enough knew they were going to pop out of his skull. Hange failed miserably to control her laughter and began to howl with glee from that rumour. Bláithín held a similar look to Levi's, looking like she was going to vomit. Bláithín looked over at Levi, horrified at the rumours. He shook his head, she wasn't even taking her own advice of not reacting.

Did people seriously do this for cheap entertainment? Little did they know, getting promoted in the Survey Corps wasn't inherently a good thing so even if sleeping around did get you promoted, it's not exactly a blessing. It meant you had survived a lot longer than the average soldier, had seen some very abnormal sights, lost many friends and maybe even themselves along the way.

"Ah, lighten up, you two," Hange interjected, "You know how fast rumours spread amongst the unknowing and they probably don't intend for it to cause harm. Don't let it get to you." She said, looking at Levi and Bláithín… with the same smirk as before?

What did that smirk even mean?! Bláithín didn't want to know.

The soldiers assembled together and the countdown for the gate opening began. Thirty seconds from now, they'd be embarking on another expedition to set up a supply base. The large bell resonated throughout the district, the metallic vibrations flooding through her. Each chime sent chills down her spine, it always did.

"Hey." Levi said, getting her attention. Bláithín looked back at him. "Head out of the clouds for now, Bláithín. Can't have you becoming Titan dinner."

Bláithín nodded. "I think I'd be tasty Titan dinner, though." She joked.

"Tch."

The gate was halfway up now. Erwin turned around to face his soldiers. "My soldiers! Humanity takes another step forward today against the scourge of the Titans! I want you to show me what you can do!"

Bláithín's hold of the reins turned into a white-knuckled grip. She wasn't going to be distracted today, and she promised herself she wouldn't anymore; not if it was not worth thinking about.

Not when she had Levi to return to.

She looked over to him and though she wouldn't show it to him, she was grateful for his presence. Beneath his abrasive and cold exterior, there was a broken man with a kind heart who built up his walls too high and wanted no one to come in and break them down again.

But he, too, knew that his heart, that his wall was being broken and torn down. Brick by brick. His heart and soul was dedicated to mankind and its survival but sometimes…

His heart and soul were out picking flowers with a blonde who still didn't quite know her own worth yet...

Please review and follow! Let me know what you think, I do love engagement and feed back!

As someone who is Irish and is fluent in it, I do like to include Irish names for my OCs and names for chapter. Aisling is pronounced like [ash-ling] and it is roughly translated into 'dream' or 'vision' in English!

Enjoy!