Croí = Irish for heart. [cree]
Writing this note as of 26/01/2021: Really struggled with motivation these days as I have come to accept the fact that I have written Levi too OOC and Bláithín is a Mary Sue and their relationship is way too fast. Gah, and I had worked so hard on writing Bláithín, too. I promise to try to salvage and perhaps edit previous chapters as time goes on. Their relationship will mostly remain the same, I may just edit previous characters' introspection in the most recent chapters. To those who have stuck with me in spite of all of this, thank you. I will do better. Also been busy with real-life commitments but in that time, I have fully planned out the ending of this story. Always had a vague idea but now it is finalized!
Die höchste Macht der Erde sitzt auf keinem Thron.
Sie blüht in deinem Angesicht, du Herrliche!
Der Tag wird durch die goldne Sonne nicht erhellt,
Aus deinen Augen fließt das wundervolle Licht!
In deinen schlanken Händen ruht die Macht des Lebens
Und auch die dunkle Macht des Todes, wie du willst.
Du Schlimme tust des Bösens ein gehäuftes Maß.
Tu es getrost, der Himmel zürnt dir nicht.
Der Engel Pflicht wär, aufzuschreiben,
Was du Böses tust, sie walten ihres Amtes nicht. Sie lieben dich.
- Hans Bethge
As the short man trudged through the wastelands, being outside of Wall Rose on an expedition, he sighed loudly as the sky darkened in color. The fleecy clouds collected one on top of the other, and were now an ominous grey sort of color. It was going to rain soon, which was always a nightmare to ride back in.
Levi hated rain.
The heavens opened up and released their contents. Levi's boots sloshed in the growing puddles. He brought his hand up to face to shield him from the drops that were suddenly starting to pelt him. He scowled and walked over to Commander Erwin. They still had plenty of bodies to report as missing or MIA. It was always Commander Erwin's judgement call on the judgement call however.
Levi turned back on his heel, staring at the canyon the surviving Scouts galloped out of. There was an ambush of Abnormals that claimed more lives than the pragmatic commander was expecting. "Your orders, Erwin? We should hurry and identify the people before they're buried in mud and shit." He spoke.
Erwin hummed in agreement and looked back at the canyon and Titans were boring out of it now that the remainder of the Scouts were located beyond it. While they sustained many casualties, there were still many survivors all flocked together.
Erwin owed the survived families this much at least. He had sent countless men to their deaths for years now, and for what? For some stupid dream he forced on himself to bear because of his father? Erwin couldn't believe his own selfishness at times; his ability to send men to their deaths and to be able to take the news of their passing so stoically. He shook his, dispelling these thoughts and questions of his moral ambiguity.
"Levi, you and Mike make a list of who will not be coming back with us today. Do your best to report as many as you can."
Mike nodded and waited for Levi to mount his horse. Both snapped the reins and headed off to the canyon. This was nothing fancy; just leave, report and come back. They'd kill any Titans still lingering about but this was a simple task. It would take no more than a few minutes.
Levi pulled at the reins and the horse skidded to a stop once he got to the canyon. He hopped off and started patrolling the area. The area before him was like a blood bath… just how many people perished from this band of Abnormals? He didn't want to know but he knew it was a lot when he peered down at his boots and noticed murky water was dyed red.
Blood. Was it human or Titan blood? Levi didn't want to know.
He approached the first body whose body had been chewed in half, upper intestine attached to the corpse. The corpse's hood was pulled over its head so he couldn't tell who it was. He pulled down the hood and rolled the body over with his foot. He had to do a double take immediately at the fair-haired soldier on the ground before him, his eyes as wide as plates and it as clear as day the last thing this man felt was fear. Unadulterated fear. Levi's lips split open ajar as a gasp left him.
No… No… This soldier had died years ago. What was he doing here? Why was he-
"F… Farlan?"
Could he have been living in a trance this entire time? If Farlan was here and was alive up till very recently, then maybe Isabel was too!
Levi's stomach hurt and it was one of the few times in his life he felt nauseous. He continued on though, he could grieve later. That was the way Levi functioned: professional in the fields and to wait until he had the freedom to be himself in the confines of his bedroom. When he was by himself, he wasn't a slave to humanity and he wasn't a slave to his title of Humanity's Strongest - he was just himself.
Destiny wouldn't be kind to him today though as he felt his knees buckle upon finding the decapitated red-haired girl. He always cherished her spunk, her fire, her energy and it was snuffed out in an instant at the hands of these devils. He remained standing but he couldn't ignore the trembling of his body now.
"Levi," Miche called out against the wind and the rain, "There's one more over there and then we're done." Miche said, pointing over at the corpse and walked off to his horse.
Though his expression remained blank and unreadable, his eyes began to well with tears. 'Huh, I haven't cried in a while, have I?' He said to himself. "Tch, what a mess," he said aloud.
That much was true. Humanity's Strongest never cried, Humanity's Strongest didn't feel. That was his role that he had to upkeep and the role required being unwavering even in the face of death and destruction. Humanity's Strongest didn't have much humanity left after all the crap he had seen over the years, yet he was the one entrusted to be a beacon of hope and guidance?
What a farce.
He smoothed a hand through his hair, further suppressing any emotions he felt. 'Later,' he told himself. His boots made a squelching sound as he walked over to the corpse in question. The rain had somehow gotten heavier in those few seconds and at this point, his vision was getting blurry and cloudy. Was it tears or rain?
He stood in front of the corpse and bent down to roll over. Upon doing so, he felt his heart skip a beat or two. He felt the air get lodged in his throat and the pain in his stomach doubled in intensity. If Levi wasn't nauseous before, then he was certainly feeling it now.
Blonde hair, blue eyes; it was her.
No, no, no...
Just his damn shitty luck that the three people closest to him perished in just one day. He cursed his fate and wanted to scream. But instead, he swallowed thickly and knelt beside her. The exhale that escaped his mouth was shaky, as though he was nervous to do anything that would damn his time on this wretched earth even more. He allowed one of his rough, war-exposed hands to cup her face, blood coating it once he took that hand away. He placed a thumb over her eyes and shut them for her. As he did this, he felt the ground beneath him rumble. His brows crumpled together in confusion and he heard an ear-splitting cracking-like sound.
The ground beneath him split in two and swallowed him whole, engulfing him in darkness…
.
.
.
.
Hands grasping the pillow ever so tightly, Levi woke up.
He felt relieved and panicked at the same time. His body dripped beads of perspiration, and his heart was pounding mercilessly in his chest. His entire body was coated in sweat. He reckoned that had he stayed in bed any longer, he'd struggle to peel himself up from it.
Fucking disgusting, he says to himself.
He sat up and removed his drenched sweater he wore to bed. He brought a knee to his chest and hitched an elbow there, cradling his head. As he did this, he felt the wave of nausea from his dream overpower him in that moment. He clutched his abdomen as though he was trying to will the uncomfortable feeling to solve itself out. A few deep breaths later, he had calmed down. In his chest, he felt like there was a vice grip around his heart.
He patted the mattress with hand and patted all of his surroundings; yes, he was in his bedroom now, he was not out beyond the Walls.
Farlan and Isabel were still dead, they were only alive in his dreams… only they only visited him in his nightmares.
And now Bláithín was too, this was new to him.
He let out a huff of a sigh, realizing this wasn't just a coincidence; Levi was getting too attached to her, and seeing her in his nightmares just reinforced that. Levi never had any intentions of getting close to her… it just sort of happened. Levi only dreamed of people he was close to, and his dreams were never good.
He swung his feet over the edge of the bed and clambered over to the window in the darkness of his room. Light was pouring in from the windows, he must have slept in today. He could tell since he normally never is just waking up to the sight of sunlight but he could hear people outside training.
Hopefully Bláithín had taken over. Today was close combat, circuits and self-defence.
He peered down at the blonde who was explaining the circuit she had designed. She seemed to be happier these days. It had been over a week since their most recent expedition, over a week since he yelled at her again. He really felt like he was yelling at a small child at times and not his colleague.
That's who Bláithín was though beneath it all: a small child constantly thrown into new situations having only barely adjusted to prior conditions.
She seemed to be at her best after coming back from that expedition. Bláithín needed that moment of weakness in front of him to grieve and mourn all she had lost in life up until that point. For the almost two years he had known her, her eyes were always rainy and were hiding some very tough, deeply-rooted feelings. For almost two years, a dark cloud followed her everywhere.
And now… well, she just seemed normal. A bit more reserved and shy now, but she seemed fine. She seemed okay.
He closed the curtains again and got dressed. As he washed up in the bathroom and put on a fresh set of pants and a shirt, he came to the conclusion that Bláithín had been chipping away at him far too long. He cared for her, he was worried about her, and it made him sick to his stomach thinking back on that dream again.
Of course, he couldn't blame her though. It was neither person's fault; it's human nature to care for someone after you have known them for some time, right? It was human nature to be close to someone if you have known them for a while, no?
Levi knew the answer - of course it was logical, it was the way the human brain worked - but it was not the way Levi's brain worked. It was never the way he functioned. He was used to death, he was used to grief and he was used to abandonment and loneliness. It's the reason why he "recovered" so quickly after Isabel and Farlan died; he knew upon meeting them that their time spent together would be fleeting. Over the years they had known each other, Levi knew he'd probably outlive them both.
That wasn't to say he was cocky, Levi just knew he was strong. He always had been. He couldn't pinpoint why or how, but when situations compelled him to react, he could do so in a heartbeat. He could shut off the emotional side of him one hundred percent and be the Abnormal that massacres those in his way if it ever came to that. He never knew why, it was like an instinct of his…
It took him years to trust Farlan and Isabel both and once he did, he was always mentally prepared for when they'd inevitably be snatched from him in Death's clutches. That didn't mean it didn't hurt, but that was just the way Levi operated. If people came into his life, great, he'd consider it a blessing. And eventually their time would come when they'd leave.
Like his mother, like Kenny the Ripper…
So when would Bláithín leave?
He groaned audibly to himself, cursing himself for getting attached to the blonde so fast and not employing his normal boundaries.
Was it that he felt responsible for her? Was it his own "selfishness" that compelled her to keep him around so that he wouldn't go through a great loss again? Levi's heart could take it, he knew it could, but that doesn't mean he wanted to go through it either. He was Humanity's Strongest, the military's fearless man and by proxy, he was a man most familiar with death and loss.
Just how much more could his heart handle? Levi doubted he had much of a heart left some days, as silly as it sounded. Of course the man had a heart, of course he cared for people, but that would only leave you so open, so raw and vulnerable and so painfully exposed…
At times he felt it was better to be alone.
It was hard to stay sane living like that, he knew all too well. But he had to protect what humanity he had left, surely… right? As Humanity's Strongest, he is expected to put on a mask and be brave constantly, to show no fear and sadness. He was a symbol of hope, one of the last symbols of hope alive. He didn't know if he could handle another loss.
Who was next after Bláithín then? Miche? Hange? Or even Erwin?
He hated the wretched life he was cursed with even if it did provide these moments of solace, found in the relationships he had throughout his life.
Again, his mind flashed to her bloodied and broken corpse in his dream and he clamped his eyes shut. The nightmares were always so much more intense after Isabel and Farlan died. He never got much sleep in the Underground either, but he wasn't a total insomniac until after their deaths. Down below, he'd stay up late on watch to make sure no MPs or other thugs raided their home. He'd go to bed if he felt it was safe to do so.
Was the blonde vice captain going to flood his dreams more often now? If a fleeting image of her death was enough to make him stop dead in his tracks, then perhaps… he should get used to her not being around and prepare himself for when an angel calls her name.
No, he told himself, whatever this is, it must end.
...Could he try to distance himself from her? What even were they?
He knew that she made his heart thump when she smiled. The girl was pretty, he had no problem acknowledging if someone was pretty or not. After all, looks meant nothing to him anyway.
He had been awfully close physically with her though and that type of connection was only going to make her more drawn to him. The times he sat with her on the way back from expeditions, or those rare moments when he allowed her to find comfort in his arms. Or when he just listened to her ramble about fucking everything and anything.
It's like they weren't colleagues at all...
Maybe it wasn't anything complicated at all and it could be chalked down to him liking her presence. Don't mistake him, she annoyed him to bits with how "selfless" she acted for her own selfish desire of playing heroics, being irresponsible and reckless. But he was comfortable with her.
Yes, he could do it. He could distance himself. He'd attempt to anyway, they were both in charge of the same squad. He was going to see her throughout the day whether he wanted to or not.
He shook his head as if to swat away thoughts. He walked into the Mess Hall as he put on his cravat and grabbed an apple before making his way to the clearing. He looked out and saw Bláithín fighting with Oluo as a demonstration and gulped.
This is for the best, he thought.
He walked out and Bláithín flashed him a smile, like she always did. He'd normally acknowledge this with a nod.
Not today though.
The blonde vice captain noticed.
Bláithín continued to illustrate her points of sparring with Oluo. She picked him amongst the other four that were there as he made a few snotty comments at her. Oluo had to watch his tongue more.
Meanwhile, Levi kept his eyes glued on Bláithín with a quirked brow. He understood why Oluo initially made his comment on how a soldier such as Bláithín can survive so long without even coming close to the top ten. Oluo made his joke in passing upon hearing Bláithín's miraculous ability of managing to survive almost five years in the Survey Corps.
Levi was focused on something else. Namely, her hand-to-hand combat… it was terrible. She seemed to be relying on quick bursts, so to speak, and used her body weight against them more often than not. Just what would she do if she ever had to fight someone taller and heavier than her? Every time Oluo threw a punch at her, she deflected it but it seemed that luck was on her side more than anything else, not actual foundations or technique.
Of course, Levi knew they would never need to fight people, but as a former thug he knew how people who grew up in the slums thought. They knew 3DMG is valuable and can be stolen for quick money and better yet, she was a woman. There have always been human traffickers in the Walls and people like Bláithín with shoddy technique were easy targets.
The irony of someone teaching self defence who can barely keep their form, he said, noticing how her feet would skid and slide beneath her.
She was relying on luck and luck alone.
She's actually hopeless, Levi said as he stared at her. Though his expression said nothing, he was dumbfounded.
It was when she kneed Oluo in the place where the sun doesn't shine that he stood up. Again, it was all impulse and no control. Oluo squawked in pain loudly.
No matter how skilled a soldier may be, a kick to the family jewels would always hurt.
"There is no need to pasteurize his balls, Bláithín," he told her, plainly. He walked over to Oluo and pulled him up. He gestured for Bláithín to sit down at the side. She only looked at him in response. "I'll teach them hand-to-hand combat. You have to relearn the basics."
Is he in a bad mood with me? She asked herself. What did I do now? She pouted at him and Levi saw this. If Levi wasn't so stubborn, his gaze probably would have softened. Instead, they retained their usual hardened steely look.
Shit.
"I feel like I have just been sterilised…" Oluo moaned out in pain.
Levi walked back to the centre and they all fell into line, Oluo being the last to. "I'll take over from here," he began. "Now, find a partner and-" he said, doing a headcount. "Where the hell is Ioana?"
"She spoke to me this morning and said she felt ill," Bláithín answered. Levi didn't even look at her.
Levi's lower lip protruded. "Too ill to practice hand-to-hand combat? Please," he scoffed. He looked over at the strawberry blonde. "Petra, you share a dorm with her, don't you? Did she genuinely seem unwell?"
Petra shrugged. "She spends so much of her time reading and doing things by herself, I can't even get a good read off her, sir. She is so painfully shy."
Levi's scowl grew darker. "And was she reading last night? Was she puking her guts out?"
"Yes, sir, she was reading last night. And she went to bed early, but she seemed fine." Petra replied.
"Tch, that damn brat," he muttered. The girl was definitely playing truant. Levi had enough on his mind right now - even though he was trying to clear it - and now, a member of his squad had the nerve to play truant? Oh, he was not impressed by this at all. "Hahn, go find her."
Again, he didn't look at her.
I guess he's mad at me again, she told herself as she stood up. It hurt knowing that because of her mistakes and the way she acted in the past that he had reached a breaking point and was now taking it out on her. Well, that was what Bláithín thought anyway.
She walked off the clearing and began to look for the brunette.
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Ioana Meyer stood outside the barracks. She donned her Survey Corps uniform and was leaning up against the pillars to the entrance of the headquarters. She tapped on the lit cigarette in her hand before taking a final drag.
She looked to her left and saw two boys fighting. Siblings, probably. One seemed to be a bit taller than the other, probably two years older. She dropped the cigarette and crushed it with her boot.
It had rained in the morning, puddles dotted the streets. The sun now shone brightly and illuminated the narrow streets of Trost and made the townspeople look more alive as they went from stall to stall. People here were happy and smiling and laughing.
"How beautiful…" Ioana mumbled.
...Only she wasn't looking at the bustling life and the people running errands. She wasn't looking at this naive bliss the citizens behind the Walls lived in.
No, Ioana Meyer was looking at the performance she just watched.
The brunette looked on ahead with her jaw slack and her eyes wide as the younger sibling was pushed into the puddle…
That smaller kid was weak, she noted, that was why he was pushed. She watched intently as the scene unfolded. She smiled. She loved seeing people get beaten down, it was a weird form of pleasure for her.
Ioana always smiled in situations like these. She couldn't help it. She couldn't pinpoint why she felt such sheer delight in watching others get beaten down. It was the order of how the world worked; only the strong survive while the weak get picked on and the worthless are tossed aside.
Like they are the devil incarnation. Weak and worthless people aren't wanted.
Ioana understood this logic and she revelled in it. In fact, it was almost pleasurable for her.
Ioana was a soldier, so that meant she was strong. Ioana was needed for a mission, so that meant she was needed.
Then something strange happened. The boy, sopping wet after being pushed into the puddle, stood up and smiled. And started laughing…? The older brother laughed with him and they skipped off to their mother who wasn't too far away. She started to scold them for their childish antics.
"What's this? Why's he… laughing?" Ioana mumbled aloud, deep in her thoughts. "The weak suffer and get nothing, yet he's happy…"
What is there to smile about in this wretched world? She couldn't comprehend it, she couldn't step into the shoes of others at all to even get a feeling of their own perspective.
Ioana didn't understand sibling relationships. Ioana didn't understand familial love.
The concept of love was weird for her. Being there for a person you love and supporting them through thick and thin… what is that?
"Is that- do they… love… each other?" she asked. "Is that… love?"
The boys were still snickering at each other.
"Don't leave…" she breathed as they walked away. She turned on her heel when she heard her name being called by her squad leader.
"What does that facial expression mean?" She asked, not comprehending why they smiled and laughed with each other.
Translation of poem:
The greatest power on earth is seated on no throne.
It flowers in your face, O wondrous one!
The day is not lit by the golden sun –
The wondrous light streams from your eyes!
The power of life rests in your slender hands
And also Death's dark power, as is your wish.
You, O wicked one, commit evil after evil.
Do not fret – Heaven will not be angry.
An angels' duty is to record the evil you commit –
They do not discharge their duty. They love you.
AN: I know this chapter wasn't very good, I'm sorry. I'd love to hear you thoughts though. Even so, thank you for 10k reads here!