Hey guys. To those who have stuck around this long, thank you so much. I am aware the chapters need to be revamped and it is due some heavy editing. But I just wanted to say thank you for your support, we passed 10k reads which is exciting! I think? Yay, I'm getting noticed, haha! I hope you all have a wonderful, wonderful day/night
- K (:
O lieb', solang du lieben kannst!
O lieb', solang du lieben magst!
Die Stunde kommt, die Stunde kommt,
Wo du an Gräbern stehst und klagst!
Und sorge, daß dein Herze glüht
Und Liebe hegt und Liebe trägt,
Solang ihm noch ein ander Herz
In Liebe warm entgegenschlägt!
Und wer dir seine Brust erschließt,
O tu ihm, was du kannst, zulieb'!
Und mach' ihm jede Stunde froh,
Und mach ihm keine Stunde trüb!
Und hüte deine Zunge wohl,
Bald ist ein böses Wort gesagt!
O Gott, es war nicht bös gemeint, –
Der andre aber geht und klagt.
- excerpt of 'O lieb', solang du lieben kannst' by Ferdinand Freiligrath
Mid January, 847:
Bláithín had woken up earlier than normal and headed straight to the Mess Hall upon freshening up and packing for the expedition. It was a small-scale one, nothing overly important nor were they setting up any bases to aid the construction of the supply line to Wall Maria… it was far worse.
Hange had gotten enough funding and twisted Erwin's arm enough for the past year to attempt to capture another Titan. 'Attempt' was the key word here. It had been over fifteen years since the last successful Titan capture mission and it cost the lives of twenty scouts.
Needless to say, no one was particularly excited. Though, Bláithín did swear to herself she'd go visit her niece afterwards, so there was that to look forward to.
Bláithín sat down after getting her tray for breakfast. It was never extravagant and the food was always bland; hell, even the ration bars they took on their expeditions were more flavourful than the breakfasts they got. She sat down at the table and began to shovel lumpy, cold porridge into her mouth. Deciding it was too bland, she took a bite out of a not-so-crunchy apple. At least that had a taste. She peered into the canteen of water and caught a glance of her reflection.
Her hair was just below her chin now. Levi had been barking at her for the past month to cut it and with an expedition taking place in a few hours, now was the time to cut it… Plus, if she delayed it any longer, Levi threatened to cut her hair himself to which she vehemently refused. A soldier she may be, but she still had her girlish nature intact that wanted to be at least semi-responsible for her appearance. After she had screamed at Levi to leave her alone, he tried to argue back at her saying she was being unreasonable and that he cut his own hair only for her to argue back that her hair grew differently.
She had a point. Although, he also had a point.
Damn him, always in the right, she thought to herself. Though she was annoyed at his incessant orders, she knew he meant well and it was just his weird way of caring for her and others around him.
Then again, he had been saying it for over a month for her to cut her hair and she flat-out ignored him or in some cases, it just slipped her mind. It had been a month since she had collapsed in the weights room and Levi and Hange carried her back to her bedroom. A month since she woke up and puked in front of Levi. A month since she woke up to those two wilted daisies in the mason jar.
She smiled at the thought. Perhaps he felt bad after all for not getting her anything for her birthday when she had gone out of her way to do stuff for him. Perhaps he felt sorry seeing her in such a pitiful state.
What made him think of flowers as a last minute gift? Levi didn't strike her as the type to remember the little details about someone; like how she liked flowers or how her name meant little flower in some old language… No, surely it was just a spur of the moment thing for him…
She shook her head, deciding not to ponder such silly thoughts and focused on her meal. She really wasn't in the mood to eat before a risky expedition - risky compared to the average expedition anyway - and she didn't want to risk an upset stomach, but she knew she had to. Perhaps tea would make things more bearable.
She grabbed two cups from the kitchen and walked over to the fireplace where a cast iron kettle was already placed. Carefully pouring two cups of hot water into the black tea leaves, she walked back over to the table. She placed one cup beside her tray and another at the foot of the table.
Levi always sat at the foot of the table as Captain.
It wasn't long before Petra and Oluo sat down across from her. She flashed the two a grin. "Good morning, you two."
"Good morning, Miss!" They both cried and offered her a salute.
"Stop saluting, it's been months since we've started working together," she dismissed with a wave of her hand. "You two aren't on the expedition today, are you?"
They both shook their heads. Maybe none of the special operations squad were part of the mission today apart from her. Levi wouldn't go, even if he was forced to. He wasn't about to buckle for Hange's orders if it meant trying to take a Titan alive.
It wasn't long before Gunther, Ioana, Eld and Levi sat down at the table. Levi sat down at the foot as she had predicted with Bláithín to his right. He glanced at the tea that had been brewed and pouted a small bit. This was something he did when he inspected a cup of tea a person made. He brought the fine china to his lips and sipped quietly and placed it down on the saucer again.
Mission success, he didn't spit it out, she said to herself.
"Not bad, Hahn." He commented, drly, all the while taking another sip.
"Have to meet your impossible standards somehow, Levi." She replied as she munched into the apple. She turned back to face the rest of the squad. "So, is it just me going on this mission?"
The rest of her squad nodded.
"Hange hadn't mentioned anything to the rest of us, Vice Captain," Gunther supplied, "Besides, the Captain didn't want the Special Ops going out on such a pointlessly dangerous mission."
"Ah…" she aired, snapping her gaze over to Levi. "So you're letting me handle Hange while the rest of you stay cushioned and cozy inside the Walls?"
"Mmhmm." Was the noise he made in response.
"Unbelievable, and I made you tea this morning and cut my hair after your incessant whining." She groaned, smoothing a hand back through her blonde hair.
Levi only shrugged in response.
"You know, sir, if you wanted…" Oluo began, "I could totally hold my own out there beyond the Walls. I have done so successfully in our most recent expeditions." He boasted.
"You pissed yourself, alongside Petra, on your first expedition." Bláithín pointed out with furrowed brows.
Oluo passed her a look that said something akin to 'do not ruin this for me' or something like that.
This wasn't the first time Bláithín, or anyone else from the Special Operations squad, put him in his place. The kid was very weird. All of the members of the squad were just eighteen years old but were all so capable of acting like children, especially Oluo. And he did this a lot in front of Petra, in particular.
"Captain, I think he's trying to imitate you again…" she drawled with an eye roll.
Levi only grunted in response. Oluo fixed his cravat and smoothed his hair back. "Petra, dearest, don't nag me like you're my wife unless you're dying to lay claim to the privilege," he said, the cheek in his tone practically oozing.
"Oluo, you're so, so strange…" Eld commented as he drank from his canteen of water. "If it's a wife you're after, you have to at least treat the girl with more respect." He spoke. Simple advice, but it clearly worked given that Eld was in a long term relationship with someone in Trost. He never spoke much of her, but Bláithín had seen him greet her after an expedition and they were both head over heels in love.
"Pfft, Petra, as my wife? Please," he guffawed, his face contorting in disgust, seemingly. "What about you, hot stuff? I know you're dying to get with someone manly like me."
Ioana stiffened, visibly uncomfortable from Oluo's advances. Even Bláithín wanted to reach out and protect the girl from his obnoxious and, quite frankly, terrible flirting. "Don't touch me…" was all the brunette said. "Relationships are just distracting."
Ioana never said a whole lot, only ever keeping to herself or staring at her Vice Captain, but when she did, her remarks were quick and curt.
"Ioana is the strong, silent type, Oluo," Gunther explained, "and she isn't wrong. In this line of work, relationships only bog you down… Although, nothing wrong with finding comfort in the arms of another…"
Silence fell between them before Petra burst into laughter. "Oh, jeez, all the men here are so thirsty!" She giggled, before casting a glance at the Captain, who remained completely expressionless - bored, even - throughout the entire conversation.
Gunther's face flushed a bit as he got a slap on the shoulder by Oluo. Petra turned to Ioana looking for support on her opinion and the girl seemed to pass her a smile. A disingenuous smile, but a smile nevertheless.
Finding comfort in the arms of another, huh?
On the few times Levi has held her in his arms, Bláithín did feel rather… safe. In those moments, she felt like everything was suddenly okay, even if he only held her for just a few seconds. It had been a while since the two had been so close to each other physically, but mentally, they were only getting closer… When Levi allowed her to, of course. He could be so standoffish, it was harder to wager where she stood with him at times.
But in those rare and fleeting moments, she could tell he cared. His words were brash and cold and sometimes full of hurt, but a lot of the time, they had good intentions behind them. But whatever he lacked in words, he would make up for in actions.
Levi… I don't know why, but... I picture him as an ardent lover, she said to herself.
"Oh no!" she cried, when she caught herself even having such girlish yet crude thoughts. She was suddenly reminded of that one promiscuous dream she had of him many moons ago. She began to slap the sides of her head in an attempt to banish those thoughts from her head.
"The fuck are you doing?" Levi said, staring at her as though she had two heads.
"A-Ah-!" she stammered, looking at him with a flushed face and wide eyes. Perhaps it wasn't just the men here who were thirsty. "O-Oh, yes, I just wanted to wake myself up ahead of the expedition!" she lied.
Levi studied her for a moment with an upturned brow. "If you want to wake yourself up, eat your damn food and drink your tea," he said. He looked down towards her half eaten apple and the porridge that had barely been touched. He frowned, lower lip protruding marginally. "Aren't you going to eat?"
Bláithín looked at him. "It tastes yucky."
Levi shook his head in annoyance. "Suck it up and eat, Bláithín."
"Yes, sir." She grumbled, defeated.
Levi grunted at this. "Don't 'sir' me." He muttered.
She rolled her eyes at his attitude. Damn, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Normally he was more tolerant of her and her, well, everything; her sense of humour when it made herself known, her quirks, her habits.
What was with him?
Her eye roll made his heart twist in his chest momentarily. He didn't want her to know this, nor would he ever show vulnerability to her in front of his squad, but he couldn't shake away his worry. The worry being this expedition was going to be three nights long, and he wasn't around if the expedition went belly-up. He had been with her and his squad in all the previous expeditions before, but this time, he wasn't going to be around.
Saints, he was worried if she'd make it back or not. Levi wouldn't admit that aloud though.
Not only that, but he still couldn't shake the worry of her going out to play the tragic hero now that he wasn't going to be there.
I should trust her by now, he said to himself. He should trust her, she had proved she was more than capable of being emotionally resilient to her insecurities and her traumas, but why was he still so hurt from her previous actions? Why couldn't he see everything she had to done to prove to him that she would be fine? Why could he only acknowledge when her depression and suicidal tendencies had gotten the best of her, even though for the past year, she seemed to be just fine standing on her own?
Would a part of him always be worried that she'd do this again?
He grumbled to himself once more, not wanting to spoil his appetite by thinking such depressive thoughts. Fortunately, or unfortunately, Hange had charged before them, clearly raring to go for this expedition.
"Another day, another Titan capture mission!" Hange yelled, bracing Levi by his shoulders. She rested her chin there for just a second and even then, Levi was fit to snap. He muttered a curse under his breath and she caught wind of this. "Oh, come onnnn, Levi! You and I are almost besties at this stage!"
Levi only blinked, his frown deepening. He was about to stand up when she hailed for their attention.
"Bláithín! I have a theory as to why you completely passed out a month ago!" she cheered.
This caught everyone's attention and they all sat closer and glanced at the blonde vice captain. Ioana even sat upright upon Hange's declaration.
"It's simple, really... Oluo, give me a drumroll..." she ordered, eyes closed as if to create a more serious atmosphere. Oluo hesitantly began tapping against the table with his index fingers and with a wild hand gesture from Hange, he stopped. "Bláithín, you're pregnant!"
Everyone gaped (save Levi) and looked at her, then back at Hange... and back to her.
"What?" Levi snapped at Bláithín.
"What?" Bláithín snapped at Hange.
"It makes sense! I mean, you got so sick all of a sudden... like, you know-!" she beamed. "Congratulations, Bláithín!"
"Hange..." Bláithín began, hesitantly. "You can only get pregnant by having sex... right? Or has some recent scientific discovery completely disproved that?"
"Yes!" she confirmed with a smile, and the smile suddenly twisted into a cheeky smirk. "You were sleeping with someone in the Corps, and now, you're pregnant!"
"Hange, I've never-"
Hange's lips zipped shut. She bent down and whispered into her ear. Though whenever Hange attempted to whisper, everyone in the immediate vicinity heard. "You're still a virgin, aren't you?"
Bláithín buried her face in her hands and her head collided with the table. Hange continued to babble away. "Well, I mean, the Titans come from somewhere and we still don't know yet. Bláithín, you may have proved the existence of parthenogenesis! That's never been documented before!"
Bláithín groaned, loudly. Oluo and Gunther started to giggle childishly at Bláithín's secret that she would have preferred to have kept hidden.
"You're twenty-two now, right?!" Oluo laughed.
Bláithín groaned louder, but this confirmed his question. Her secret, which was now no longer a secret, had been released out into the open. She had never even kissed a guy yet, but if they were reacting like this to her inexperience in the bedroom, she would never be spared for as long as she lived if she found out she had never kissed someone before.
Levi rolled his eyes, suddenly getting a headache from the bespectacled brunette and Oluo. "Lay off, Hange. She's not pregnant and you're just a damned nuisance."
"Damn... I really wanted to be an aunty..." she mumbled, looking genuinely crestfallen.
"You can be an aunty for Eden when I'm not around or whatever, but please," she began, though her speech was muffled through her hands that were still clamped against her, "never, ever, spring something like that up again. It's tactless."
Levi came to her rescue, whether he realized it or not. He stood up and passed his apple over to her. "Here, take this and go prepare for your expedition," he ordered before walking off. He ordered his squad to follow him, to start training presumably.
Bláithín ate the second apple and followed Hange to prepare the horses and pack the remainder of her belongings. She walked into her private bedroom and opened the doors to her wardrobe to retrieve a Scout Regiment cloak. Shuffling into it, she sighed as she looked at the cracked mirror that was screwed into the door of the wardrobe. She wished she wasn't roped into this, but she had no choice in the matter. Plus... Hange called it an excuse to bond.
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of the tattered journal on her bedside locker of one Aisling Hahn. She felt an emotion she couldn't quite identify as she walked towards it and held it in her hands. The cover of the journal was a deep maroon and had a nametag of sorts on it with 'Aisling H.' scratched in. Bláithín peered outside her bedroom window as the scouts prepared the larger wagon, one that was used to capture Titans if they were successful at the end of this. She bit her lower lip and in a hasty decision, she packed the journal. She may get to do a bit of reading.
She hurried down the creaking stairs of the headquarters and out to the clearing where Hange and the other soldiers involved were waiting, already information. Hange wasn't one for dramatics at the start of expeditions like the way Erwin was, not one for doing heartfelt speeches. With a signal of her arms, they all snapped the reins and followed Hange.
Bláithín fastened the strings of her cloak tighter, already yearning to be home again.
Already yearning to be back and see Levi.
Hange and the soldiers made it to the clearing that the section commander had laid out on the map. It was no more than twenty kilometres outside of Trost. It would be the perfect environment to catch a Titan or two in, if all went well. That being said, there was nothing nearby to latch onto; no trees or even abandoned buildings to pull evasive maneuvers with their gears.
Bláithín didn't know if this was good or bad; no obstructions or hills so they'd be able to see Titans coming when they were still a good bit away, but they'd struggle to take them down, let alone taking one alive.
Bláithín walked towards the supply base where the horses had been stationed. It was one of the few supply bases closer to the Walls, the remainder were out further along the dirt path that once connected Trost to Shiganshina. She peered up at the sky, noting the clouds billowing one on top of another. They were thick and white.
This wasn't good.
"Hange," Bláithín spoke, getting her attention, "We need to find shelter somewhere. Judging by the way the clouds are looking, I'd say we are in for a snowy surprise."
Hange gasped at this and looked up. She called over for Moblit to bring over a map for her to look at. The two looked at the map while Bláithín exhaled heavily, the condensation escaping her serving as a warning.
Currently, there were soldiers setting up the large wagon in the middle of the plains and other soldiers were preparing the giant tree barks that served as makeshift nails to hold the Titan in place. There was no mission as risky as trying to secure a Titan and take it alive, yet there was only one way to do it: have soldiers stand as bait on and around the wagons, and take the Titan down by the Achilles while it's distracted by the soldiers around it. That, and to take care of the stragglers who would delay the progress and potentially mess up everything.
It was a shit plan, but that was all they could do.
"What do you intend to research from them this time, Hange?" Bláithín asked.
"Yes, we'll head there when nightfall approaches. Thank you, Moblit…" Hange said, dismissing her assistant. She turned around and faced Bláithín with a grin. "Oh, I don't know yet. But that's the beauty of these magnificent beasts! You never know what you'll find and you may stumble across something completely new!"
"I'd hardly put the words 'magnificent' and 'beast' in the same sentence, but suit yourself," Bláithín said with an eyeroll. "So, you found a place for us to rest when it's nighttime?"
Hange nodded and showed her the map, a new location had been circled in red. "It's dangerous, but we will occupy this fishing village, not too far from Trost. It was abandoned hastily when Wall Maria fell. It's in Titan territory, of course, but if all goes to shit, Trost is not too far from us," Hange explained. "We won't get anything done today, I reckon. It's winter so the days are shorter and our window of opportunity to catch Titans has already been eaten into by travelling here and setting up."
Bláithín nodded, thankful the girl had some sense of logic and urgency when needed.
Now, they just had to wait.
It was just three days. Three days, and they'd hopefully have a Titan. It was just three days of standing around in the cold.
Three days, and she'd see Levi and Eden again.
But by the goddesses, she missed him already
The next day, Levi allowed his squad to have some time to work on independent training. Gunther, Eld and Oluo took to the clearing to practice 3DMG and practiced against the dummies. Petra and Ioana were in the weights room again.
Ioana threw punch after punch against the punching bag. It was beaten up now, the fluff that was once firmly kept inside now popping out, springs and wires from the bag now protruding.
Ioana's body now glistened in sweat. Petra seemed to be taking a breather, sitting down and rubbing her sore muscles.
Ioana scoffed at this. The girl's stamina is so weak, she said to herself as she threw a few more punches and a kick. How does he ever hope to achieve her goals, if she has any, if she is that weak?
Ioana exhaled heavily before spinning on her foot and kicking the punching bag so hard, it fell to the floor. Her bare foot landed on the destroyed bag, her heart beating rampantly in her chest.
I will be strong, I will be strong… I will please him; my saviour, I will please him. I will never fail him, she told herself. This was a mantra she told herself to keep her going.
Ioana nodded in satisfaction at the sight before her and brought her wrist up to her sewy forehead to wipe her sweat. Petra stared in awe at the short girl; they were the same height, but she was baffled as to how someone of such short stature could possess such unyielding power. Her mouth acted before her brain did and the strawberry blonde let out a chuckle. Ioana whirled around quickly, her eyes hauntingly watching her fellow squad member.
"I-I just… wow. Ioana…" she began, eyes trained to the sight before her. She rose to her feet and began walking over to the brunette. "You're so strong! Your form is so perfect and rigid and, well, you completely destroyed the punching bag… Hopefully Erwin won't scold you too much for it…" she said, sheepishly.
Ioana cocked a brow at Petra's admiration. Getting complimented always stirred something within her that she could never quite identify. Probably because they were a thing that were so few and far between. That, and she was only ever complimented when it came to achieving something for someone else.
Much like her foster parents…
What was it they called her again, a monster? A machine?
A 'monster' who was driven to get stronger and a machine of a young girl who trained until her bones cracked. It was all a means to an end though; one day, it would all be worth it and she will reap her rewards on a throne fit for someone of her power; someone of her strength and prowess, someone of her dynasty.
She swallowed a lump in her throat when that memory she so desperately tried to forget completely enveloped her. It was a time when she had completely lost control. Must have been around two years since it happened, she reckoned. She could see herself standing over the two mutilated corpses, their legs bloody, black and blue, and knotted in all the wrong ways. Their faces mangled to the point beyond recognition. She could recall sitting there in a pool of their blood, eyes widened yet hollow.
She didn't know she had it in her to lose control like that and completely give into her desires that were soaked in bloodlust and contempt. She always saw herself in control, she was the epitome of strength and power, but also restraint… but look at what she had just done to those two 'parents.'
She never knew she could possess such unbridled anger.
Even so, as soon as that anger bubbled up and exploded out of her, it was locked back in its place again, and Ioana vowed to never unleash that side of her again unless she had to.
Then… her saviour came a few days later. He gave her a new life and a new purpose.
"Ioana?" Petra asked and the brunette looked up, her focus back on the squad member before her. "Haha, I asked if you had military or training long before the cadet corps? Surely, you must have! Your technique might even be on par with the Captain's!" she beamed. Ioana didn't miss the slight blush that dusted her normally pallid cheeks.
"Yes, I did," Ioana answered, curtly.
Petra chewed on her lip, chastising herself for believing the girl would suddenly talk to her. "What age are you? I figured you'd be the same age as us, but perhaps, with your expertise, you may be older!"
"I'm twenty-four." She answered, equally as curtly.
Petra was nodding while she headed over to fetch her canteen of water before heading back over to Ioana. She cast her eyes down towards the girls hands, noting she had been rubbing them. "Oh, goodness, Ioana! Your knuckles!" She gasped, holding her right hand in her left. "They're bleeding and all cut open, I thought you were punching with gloves on!"
Ioana shook her head, withdrawing her hands from the girl's. This sort of physical touch also felt weird. Ioana looked up at her and only blinked. "It's fine, I'll take care of it myself."
Petra grabbed a hold of the girl's hands again and forcefully dragged her to her feet and to the Mess Hall so that she could bandage up her bloody knuckles. Ioana sat down at one of the tables and Petra hurried over with some bandages and a damp cloth.
Just why on earth was this girl helping her?
"You're not used to these interactions, huh," Petra surmised. She began to clean the knuckles. Normally a person would hiss when getting their wounds cleaned with disinfectant, but Ioana didn't. Petra decided against questioning it, chalking it down to higher pain tolerance. "You're not used to someone being nice. I can see how uncomfortable you are when you sit with us. When the Captain and the Vice Captain sit and they talk together, or when they talk to all of us… you're out of your depth."
Ioana said nothing, studying the girl silently. That's who Ioana was: she watched people and enjoyed it. She had nothing to do now since Bláithín was gone and her task was essentially put on standby.
"I don't need friends or anything like that. Affection, love; those are foreign concepts to me and I have decided they are unnecessary a long time ago." She replied.
Petra smiled, but it seemed to be a sad smile. "You sound like Gunther, from yesterday. I think they make life a bit sweeter. Life is already kind of shit, but when you have someone in your life who you love, I think there is no harm in acting on those feelings," she murmured, softly. Ioana had no idea what this meant. She never had friends going up or any romantic interests, though she wondered if they were such a bad thing and should she really have demonized and condemned them? "If you love someone, and if it's unconditional love, I say go for it…"
Ioana shook her head, chastising herself. There was no room in her life for such trivial things.
Ioana Meyer was destined to be alone, and for now, she was content with that.
What is this love nonsense Petra prattled on about though? Unconditional love? That's not the way any of Ioana's relationships with people - however limited that may have been - have ever worked before. Ioana could only assume that means to love someone in spite of their weaknesses and flaws, and knowing of these flaws and being willing to accept them. It was another concept in life Ioana had never experienced.
Why, surely if unconditional love exists to those who have flaws… then what about those who are perfect, she puzzled to herself.
Could a person truly love a machine? Ioana may have had her moments of weakness, emotional outbursts and moments of vulnerability now, but that was in the past. Ioana saw herself as perfect - someone who was loyal and slave to their mission - and even so, she never understood what it meant to be loved or to love someone.
Ioana was used to its counterpart: 'conditional' love, if such a thing existed, that is. All of her relationships had been formed on a set of criteria she had to meet. If she didn't meet them, she was punished. So, how could someone love another despite knowing they are imperfect?
Does this mean I'm not perfect, does this mean- no, no… I am perfect. My saviour wants me, he needs me, she told herself. She instantly chastised herself for even considering going down this rabbit hole now. She slapped her head with the hand that wasn't in Petra's, in a way of preventing her from spiralling.
The brunette sat up straighter from her hunched position. "Do you have someone who you love?"
Petra gasped and just like the blush from before, her cheeks flushed and she averted her gaze. "I-I do love someone but… I doubt he'll ever notice me, though. He's so busy and caught up in his duties, I doubt he'll ever notice me or care for who I am beyond my skills. Besides he seems inter-"
"Is it the Captain?" Ioana interjected. Ioana's gaze circled in on Petra, her face turning a beet red now. "I'm right, aren't I?"
Petra, who seemed totally neutral up until this point, suddenly turned in on herself. "Y-Yeah, it is…"
Ioana wiped her hands dry with spare cloth Petra had bought over. "How can you stand yourself, loving someone who may never notice you?"
Petra shrugged and then a smile glossed over her lips. Another sad smile, Ioana had deduced. "I lie awake at night in hope that he will one day."
Ioana pressed further. "So, you've seen the way he and the Vice Captain interact?"
"Yeah, I have."
"Are you jealous?" Ioana asked, genuinely interested.
"I mean… Initially, yes. But I soon realized they have known each other for a while, and there's very little I can actually do," Petra replied. "I see them in the Mess Hall drinking tea, the way she made him a scarf, the way the two of them speak as though they aren't soldiers fighting in this dumb war agains the Titans… It's painful to watch from my position, but a girl can dream."
Speak of the devil, one might say. Levi soon walked into the Mess Hall, donning his Survey Corps cloak. It was doused at the shoulders and Petra stood up to salute. He dismissed her with a wave of his hand.
"At ease, Ral." he said, quietly, as he walked towards the fireplace.
The short man seemed a bit miffed today, more than normal. Petra was used to seeing him wear a blank or bored expression on his face, but today there was a definitive scowl on his face. He stood over the fireplace impatiently as he tapped his foot.
"Sir? Are you alright?" she asked.
He huffed a heavy sigh and nodded at her before making his way to the commander's office.
By now, it was snowing heavily. Those inside the HQ wouldn't have noticed at all, but on the ground laid a good three inches of snow. Snow had been forecast, and even so, Erwin allowed Hange to go ahead with this capture mission? He shook his head at the thought, utterly wanting to accuse Erwin of being irresponsible, but knowing him, he'd defend himself with a very solid argument that Levi wouldn't be able to retort to. He hastily knocked at the door and let himself in without listening out for Erwin's call.
"Levi?" Erwin spoke with a raised brow. "Are you alright? You're soaked to the bone."
"I may be fine, sir, but..." he said and paused to gesture to the window that stood behind Erwin. The blond looked outside the window and gasped. The commander knew of the snow, but snowfall this heavily was unheard of the further away from Mitras you were or unless you were deep in the mountains. A light dusting at best or graupel was the norm, but this? This was crazy and undoubtedly must have been putting a wrench in Hange's plans. "Over fifty of our best soldiers are out in the cold and I don't want to see my men endangered because you failed to consider the snowfall."
Erwin turned around and smiled softly. "You're talking about Bláithín, aren't you?"
Levi's breath hitched in his throat and he blinked. So far, he held his composure well. "Yes, her, and Hange, and everyone else. Even if they do take home a Titan, how many are going to perish in that weather?"
Erwin nodded, he couldn't deny that even if Levi was mainly concerned about Bláithín's safety, he could only hope the soldiers packed wisely enough.
"We should go out and get them." Levi said and was about to walk away.
"No, Levi," Erwin said, and Levi stopped instantly. The short man knew he wouldn't have been allowed, but he figured it may have been worth a shot to go out and retrieve them before the weather got any worse. "I'll admit, it was unwise to assume that the conditions would remain as stable as they normally do, but we can't lose more soldiers to rescue those outside."
Levi cocked a thin brow and turned around to face him again. "Are you saying they are replaceable?"
"We're all expendable, Levi," Erwin answered. "Every single one of us. Mike, Hange, myself, even Bláithín. Except you, for you are Humanity's Strongest. That's why I can't afford you to go out."
Again, Erwin was right. Damn him for being so correct.
Erwin quickly changed the subject. "The Scouts' elites have been invited to the Training Corps by my predecessor Shadis to help oversee the winter training. It's an obstacle course that takes place in the mountains in Wall Rose and soldiers are designed to get from point A to point B as fast as they can. You, Bláithín, Hange and Mike will go next week and you'll each be assigned a squad of cadets."
"Just my luck, more brats to deal with," Levi grumbled. "I suppose I don't have a choice in the matter?"
"Naturally." Erwin replied, resuming his own paperwork. "It's a tradition in the Cadet Corps, Levi. You wouldn't know this because you were taken straight from the Underground and placed here. But every year, soldiers do this obstacle course in below freezing temperatures. Trust me, Bláithín and Hange can last a few days out in the cold just fine."
Levi sighed, defeated at the hands of his commander again and walked out. He removed his soaked cloak and walked back into the Mess Hall for warmth.
He had to learn to trust Bláithín again, otherwise he'd be worried consistently any time he wasn't in her vicinity, and that wasn't healthy. Being that concerned for someone's well being made him uncomfortable and the only way he could relieve himself was if he was near the person.
He still couldn't deny the constricting in his chest, as being separated from her conjured up images of his two deceased friends. He had to trust her, but by the goddesses, was he wishing he could have gone instead? Or he wished he could have gone with her, but who else would train the squad?
His head began to throb as he mulled over the hypothetical outcomes of this expedition. Surely, she could have declined going, right? Or maybe she went to be a good friend, or maybe she felt sorry for poor Moblit.
It ultimately didn't matter in the end though; she was gone and he had to wait for her to come back.
Maybe seeing her again would get rid of his nagging feeling in his chest when he saw her or whenever they made eye contact.
Another sigh escaped him.
That brat better be okay, he said to himself.
It was around 6PM on the second night when the sun was completing its tour of the day, and unfortunately, the weather situation hadn't played out the way everyone had hoped. The snow became so thick that the trees surrounding them appeared as the confetti, as if they were the flakes that danced. It wasn't sticking to the ground as the ground was too wet, but it was limiting visibility. It wouldn't be classified as a blizzard but Bláithín counted her lucky stars as she braced the cold head-on in her winter jacket that Hange advised to pack. She decided to grin and bear it, eyes squinting as she tried to see through this storm of silver.
The soldiers were camped out in the abandoned fishing town, taking shelter in one of the abandoned houses. They were cozy little cottages and most of the Titans that had been swarming around the village had all been taken out. Tucked away inside the houses, the soldiers huddled around a fire, desperately clinging for warmth.
Bláithín was on clean-up duty with a few other soldiers and this was essentially look-out. Titans were dormant during night but you could never be too careful. Their time was almost up though and another group would be out next.
"Out of the way!" Bláithín yelled down to a soldier who was still standing in the way of the Titan. She launched herself in the air with her grappling hook latched into the nape of a twelve metre class. As quickly as she had shouted out to the soldier, the Titan was eliminated. Bláithín landed perfectly on the tiled roof of a house. She felt a pair of eyes on her and she whirled around. It was Hange… What could she want?
"You two take care of the rest," she ordered, "and be safe, please."
Bláithín jumped down onto the ground and walked into the cottage where Hange and Moblit had been staying. Hange had been watching Bláithín intently ever since she started this clean-up role, but also the other Titans she had taken out since the start of this expedition.
"You're staring at me a lot, Hange," Bláithín said with a chuckle.
"Ooh, look at that, the snow is dying down now!" Hange exclaimed with a gleeful smile. The snow had stopped whirling around so violently. Soon, it would stop and hopefully, the soldiers would sleep somewhat throughout the night. "Moblit, go out and help the others, Bláithín and I need to talk."
Hange took Hange further into what would have been the kitchen area of the house. The house was in complete abandonment like every other one here, weeds now sprouting in between the floorboards and wines forking out in every direction of the wall. The kitchen table and chairs had been knocked over in the mad panic of the Fall two years ago and the cupboards had never been shut, probably last minute stockpiling of essentials before living as refugees for the foreseeable future.
In the middle, Hange had pulled out a few of the chairs again and had lit a fire which warmed the wintry air. Hange invited her to sit down and patted the seat next to. Bláithín obliged. Now that she was having decent time off, she could discuss what she found in her mother's journal and, well, catch up with the girl too.
"I do want to apologize for embarrassing you like that in front of everyone this morning!" Hange joked and slapped Bláithín in between her shoulder blades. Hange got the hint from Bláithín's absence of laughing that she was still a bit embarrassed or that her teasing wasn't as funny. Still though, they were good friends - great friends - and Bláithín would never stay mad at her for long. "We'll be heading back tomorrow night as planned, and we got a lovely beauty today!"
It was a joint effort from everyone and a few deaths were sustained in the process that no one seemed ready to speak about yet - in fact, the soldiers were doing what they were best at for now: stifling and smothering - but a five metre class was caught and was secured onto the wagon. Hange named it even, which was something nobody was expecting her to do… then again, little Albert and Chicatilo were the closest thing Hange had to children now.
"I understand many lives were lost today but their sacrifices will help push us forward… I like to think that anyway when guilt completely overwhelms me like it does now." Hange admitted, softly, a sad smile plastered on her lips.
Bláithín nodded, deciding silence was more appropriate for now.
"Ahh, yes, I wanted to talk to you," she began, her signature frazzled smile coming back. She had a flash of water in her hands. "Think fast!" she exclaimed and tossed the flask to Bláithín.
The blonde blinked and caught it immediately.
"Waaaah, so cool where did this speed come from?! You never used to be this sharp!" Hange gushed.
Bláithín had noticed it too. It was small changes that you normally wouldn't pick up on a day-to-day basis, but out in the fields, Bláithín was sharper and much more alert. It didn't happen all the time, but it was like Bláithín levelled up.
"Yeah, for a month now, I've-" Bláithín stopped suddenly. It had been a month since she had noticed an increased awareness for everything around her, just like how it had been a month since she had that strange headache and vision. Shouldn't she be weaker after it happened? "-I've just been feeling more in tune with everything around me."
"Frankly, it's awe-inspiring! What could have caused you to improve so much?! You zipped through the air so quickly out there, slashing Titans left and right!"
Hange continued to gush and it made Bláithín even more uneasy. There were so many uncertainties and questions in her life that she never got answered and the more she walked through life, the more confusing the experience became. There was never anything constant in her life, bar her friends and Eden.
Bar Levi.
Her eyes widened on the realization and of the image of him that popped into her head. Funny how he always pulled her out of her daydreams or when her mind wandered too far off.
"I don't know what's caused it, but," she began and reached in for the tattered notebook of Aisling Hahn, "Going by this, my mother was very strong too. She turned down the position of competing to be commander, saying that she was too focused on my sister and I and that we were her priority over humanity's survival. Despite her skills and aptitude, an attitude like that wasn't suitable enough to represent the face of the Scouts it seems."
Bláithín paused and smiled sadly as images of her mother flashed over her briefly. They were practically identical. Blonde hair, blue eyes; the typical Hahn look, one might say. Her mother occupied most of her attention as a child with lessons, from teaching her how to be a lady and a future wife and mother to teaching her to speak properly.
"Anything else in that journal? Have you had any more of those fainting episodes?" Hange asked.
Bláithín shook. "I've been totally fine the past month and as for anything else in the journal, nothing. It's all about my mother and her experiences as a scout and her talking about me and Elise…" Bláithín answered, but then a thought struck her. "But there's nothing of my dad."
"Was he not in the picture at home? Although, he married into a noble family, I'd imagine he would be involved?" Hange guessed.
Bláithín nodded, elaborating. "He was one of the richer citizens of Wall Rose. He came from a farming family that were very successful and were distributors all over the wall. Such success landed them with a lovely fortune and I guess that's how my mother and my grandparents knew of him… But, even now, I am struggling to recall any memories I have with him…"
Hange pursed her lips in thought. She couldn't quite make out the blonde's expression; she couldn't tell if it was shock or upset, or if it was a small bit of both. That being said, Bláithín never mentioned her dad much, so maybe she was just curious as to why her father was seemingly absent compared to her mother.
"Are you going to go visit Eden after this expedition? Will you tell her aunt Hange said hello?" Hange asked her. Hange began to stir the measly fire between them when she noticed Bláithín started to shiver. It wasn't the first time they got stranded out in the snow before, but that didn't mean they liked it either.
Bláithín nodded, smiling at the thought of seeing her niece again. It had been a while since she had seen her last, having been kept busy with her duties and workload, but she always made time for her. She wasn't sure what the next course of action was for Eden. But Bláithín was basically her stand-in of a mother, so what would be the next step in her development? Looking at schools might be a good option. She only wished she could see Eden more; she couldn't exactly call herself her mother if she could hardly see her, and even at her tender age, Eden seemed to understand that her aunt could hardly see her.
"Yeah, I might not take her out to stay over but I'll go for a brief chat with her," she murmured, softly. "She's only three but she's getting so big!"
"Well, you are not much bigger than Levi and he is truly a midget." Hange pointed out.
Bláithín chuckled, fondly. "Yeah, he's short, alright."
Hange inched closer to Bláithín, another toothy grin making itself known. "It's great you have people like them, Bláithín."
"Them?"
"Eden and Levi, I mean." Hange clarified.
"Levi?" She parroted, surprised Hange mentioned him.
"ARRRRRRGH! Bláithín, please!" Hange screeched. Bláithín's lips parted at her outburst. "You're so dense, the two of you are like an old married couple trying to say and do nice things to each other, but it's so clumsy and awkward and I hate it!"
Hange's head fell into her hands, feeling utterly hopeless for her friend. Seems like the only two blind to their own feelings for each other were the very man and woman in question. But to everyone else, it was painful to watch them!
"I have seen how much you have grown in the past year, and I have seen how happy he makes you!" Hange clarified, standing up now to prove her point. "You care for him, you like him! Don't you see?!"
It was true, Levi did make her happy. Even if he was ever annoyed by her jokes and her occasional bouts of childishness, she still felt comfortable around him. And it was the same for him. If he was having a bad day - and in the Survey Corps, it is very easy to have a bad day - he would feel a sense of calm around the blonde who he onced called his superior.
Bláithín still couldn't shake off what Gunther had mentioned recently, how relationships were distracting. And so, she did her best to deny it, even though she knew her friend was absolutely right. It was time for her to wake up. "I don't like like him, I just-"
"Bláithín," Hange interjected. "Goddesses forbid, but how would you feel if you woke up tomorrow and Levi was dead? Or he ran back to the Underground?"
Bláithín gasped at the hypothetical scenario and her eyes flickered with the flames beneath her.
She'd have lost another person. And then what, who was next? He had become a stable and steady figure in her life; a sense of normalcy. It made sense that she had caught feelings, but it also made sense for her to be deeply disturbed by this question if such a thing ever came to be. When so much of her life is dictated by fate and chance or destiny - whatever one may call it - any sense of stability was precious and appreciated. Bláithín didn't know how to answer her question, she just knew she'd be deeply hurt and upset if anything happened to him.
The thought of him dying or running away made her heart hurt. Damn, why did Hange put that image in her head?
Levi was Bláithín's constant and in that moment, she decided she'd never be able to truly let him go.
And that if he ever died, perhaps a part of her would die with him.
Bláithín's mouth worked before her brain did. "Relationships are distracting, though, and you know it."
"So you mean to tell me you aren't already distracted by him?" Hange asked. It was a rhetorical question and she had a point. She didn't need to be with Levi romantically to be distracted by him; she was already distracted. "Apart from the fact that it's blindingly obvious he returns those feelings, or at the very least, cares for you deeply, there is no harm in telling him…"
"Why… what's the point?" Bláithín asked.
Hange sighed. Bláithín had been deprived of meaningful relationships for half her life and had only started to emerge from her shell within the past year, but wow, it was hard to believe how clueless she could be. "I'm saying to do it for your own sake, for closure, and to stop keeping it to yourself. It's not like relationships haven't happened in the scouts before, look at your parents!"
"He mighn't like me." She mumbled.
Hange knew she was just going through the possibilities of what may happen. Bláithín understood Levi cared for her in his own weird way but Hange also understood why talking about these worries aloud was helpful. She was surprised when Bláithín sat up and smiled. It seemed to be a wistful kind of smile, a smile you'd don if you were looking out towards the horizon.
"Haha… you're right…" Bláithín murmured. "It's silly, but… if for whatever reason he says he doesn't like me back, it doesn't even matter. That man has helped me in more ways than one. He doesn't even have to like me back if I ever tell him. I think if he survives and continues to stay alive, then I'll accept that."
"Oh, shut up, Bláithín," Hange grumbled, eyes furrowed together. "I'm telling you right now that-"
The pair's conversation was interrupted when they heard soldiers yelling outside. The two stood up and tapped their gas canisters and checked their blades. Shit, even if it was 7PM and reasonably dark outside, the Titans that can survive on whatever light was left must have been attracted to the swarm of soldiers here. The two ran out of the cottage and saw that five medium sized Titans were clambering into the village. The soldiers that were outside had already begun to engage but they also had to protect Hange's latest children.
Thankfully, the snow had long since stopped and torches and oil lanterns lit the way out of the village, but visibility was still poor. Bláithín looked over at the subdued Titan and saw that most of the soldiers were protecting it from the stragglers. A scream pierced her eardrums and she was up in the air instantly.
The soldier cried out and thrashed about in the Titan's grasp, the Titan's hold far too tight to even attempt to wiggle free. Bláithín launched herself up behind the Titan's shoulder and severed it, freeing the soldier. She spun around and relaunched her grappling hooks and sliced the Titan at its nape. The soldier crawled out of the fingers once it had decomposed enough and began to walk again. Bláithín landed next to him and assisted him as he was limping and walked him over to a soldier who'd assist him over to the wagon. Bláithín's chest heaved as she caught her breath. Whether it was her being out of breath or her being freezing, she didn't hear the soldiers calling out for her.
"What?!" she yelled back before coughing up a globule of blood. A hand of a seven metre class wrapped around her middle and Bláithín squirmed and thrashed around.
"Bláithín!" Hange called out and began running over.
Bláithín's eyes closed as tears spilled out from the excruciating pain. Even with her eyes shut, all she could see was a pair of gunmetal grey ones staring back at her. She gasped and tried to wiggle free as she was getting dangerously close to the Titan's mouth. Funny how in the space of a year in a bit, her resolve to keep fighting when everything was going to shit had increased so much. A year or so ago, if a Titan was attempting to shove her down its putrescent gullet, she'd have let it. She would have thought she was doing a favour to the Scouts by leaving them with one less mouth to feed.
It was all for him and Eden, that's who she was fighting for recently.
Walls be damned if she never lived for herself - she wasn't sure if she could ever understand that feeling - or if her sense of place and belonging was ever questioned; if those two were alive, she'd fight. Especially when she still had to tell Levi how she felt.
And so she did.
She jutted her blades out and stabbed the Titan in its hand over and over again until its grip loosened. She fell from its hand and to the ground with a thud. She groaned out in pain and hobbled over to the supply wagons as best as she could while Hange took out the Titan. She brought a hand over to her middle and let out a garbled moan all the while a soldier had been calling out for her, asking if she needed anything. She huffed out heavily, her vision clouding up and she sat herself down on the wagon before poking at her middle. Her ribs were damaged from that grab. Not broken since she could breathe fine and though walking was difficult, she'd manage. A fracture, possibly.
Hange landed again and ran over to her friend. She laid Bláithín down and lifted up her top, the frigid air attacking her bare skin. Hange ran her fingers over her ribs and nodded. Hange would have told her if it was serious.
"Hange," Bláithín called out, her voice was hoarse, "no more. We're done. Let's call it quits for today." Bláithín said.
Hange nodded immediately. She was right, and the fact that they had caught two Titans was a miracle in itself. Hange ordered a few of the soldiers to check for any more Titans remaining in the area while everyone else gathered into formation. Bláithín's wagon was linked up to a horse and rode along the wet ground, the wheels sloshing about in the puddles left behind from the snow.
Finally, she was going home.
Once the Scouts had received word from one of the soldiers that travelled on ahead that the mission had ended early and they had two Titans in tow, the whole regiment erupted into a panic. Suddenly, the clearing was being cleaned up and gas canisters and blades were getting organised.
At least the place will be clean… clean-ish, Levi said to himself, as he watched the soldiers hurry about like headless chickens.
Soon Bláithín would be back, and the feeling of anxiety that stung and made his heart weak and made his walls crumble would be gone. He slipped out of uniform and into casual clothes, black pants and a dark grey sweater. He trudged back into his office from his bedroom and tried his best to occupy himself with paperwork. It sort of worked, but he was only half-concentrating because as soon as he heard the hooves of the horses trot against the cobblestone, he was up from his desk.
Even so, even when he heard the soldiers assembling the new captive Titans, he found his feet had rooted themselves to the floor. The anxiety of whether or not she had made it back or not had rendered him paralysed. He sighed, chastising himself for being so weak and still, he sat back down. If she was alive, she'd come.
If that girl isn't alive- he began, but frankly, he didn't know what he'd do if she wasn't alive. Little did he know, she was totally fine - fractured ribs aside - and that a soldier had escorted her to the nanny near the HQ.
And so, two hours went by painstakingly slowly and Levi rose to his feet again, no longer able to wait. He just needed to see she was alive; that was all. His legs carried him to her bedroom faster than he had anticipated (she wasn't too far away anyway, just the opposite side of the landing.) He pressed his ear up against the door to listen for any signs of life.
Nothing.
His hearing became muffled and his heartbeat became a mere throb.
He knocked on the door.
"Come in!" she called. His heart immediately slowed down and his senses returned. He slipped open the door and noticed the discarded clothes all over her floor. He cocked a brow at the sight, accepting he'd never understand how someone could live in such a filthy room. She opened the wooden door to her room and she gasped, not expecting to see him. "Oh, Levi… Hi." Her voice came as a murmur, but she smiled.
It was a warm smile, the kind of smile that when your mouth moves and shines and glimmer with happiness, your eyes do too. Always made his heart skip a beat but nevertheless, he walked on towards her.
There was something… off about her? He didn't know why, nor could he pinpoint it. He just felt it.
He saw a glass of water and saw some pills by her side. Painkillers, perhaps. He looked back over to her, and noticed some bandages around her midsection. He cocked a brow and she caught this.
"I was grabbed by a Titan but I managed to get myself out. My lower two ribs are fractured though, not broken, so I'm totally okay," she explained. She could already see him smooth a hand back through his hair. "Uh… Don't yell at me like last time if that's what you are thinking of doing. I'm really not in the mood."
Levi stared back at her. He looked around for the chair that was there the last time he was here and he sat down next to her. He wasn't going to yell - not this time - he was just miffed to see she had been injured. That being said, while he knew her injury was painful, it was nothing serious given that she could sit up and speak to him just fine.
Still, it bothered him that that was the first thing she had expected from him when she told him she was injured. Then again, he had to give her a few wake-up calls in the past.
He looked at the rest of her face. No gashes or cuts, she seemed totally okay. There was no harm in him doing a once-over himself. Her eyes shone brightly tonight, even in the candlelit bedroom. In that moment he confirmed that she probably hadn't done anything stupid this time; he could normally see the guilt in her eyes, but this time, there was none.
"I wasn't going to yell, Hahn," he muttered, crossing his arms. He sat forward more, getting closer. "Is that really what you take me for?"
"Yeah, you're kind of an asshole at times. A short asshole."
"I know that, Bláithín, I'm aware I can be a prick," he retorted. He leaned over ever so slightly to try flick her forehead. "You're one to talk, midget."
Those instincts from before kicked in and her hand wrapped around his instantly.
She didn't let go.
She was going to do it, she was going to tell him tonight. But she wasn't sure how and saints, it made her nervous. Feeling his hand though, his war-exposed hand, his warmth… maybe it would soothe her. Maybe touching him would paint the picture for her. He looked for her gaze and noticed something in her eyes now.
A new sense of vulnerability or fragility? Whatever it was, he didn't like it.
Much to her relief, he didn't shrug it away, though he did eye her for this sudden need of physical contact. Maybe this was just an emotional outpour after an expedition; such was common in the Survey Corps. When you see so much shit beyond the Walls, sometimes it's nice to be listened to.
He knew this all too well, he needed to be listened to also after Isabel and Farlan died. Granted, he initially pissed everyone off with his insubordination, but being with her helped ease the pain from time to time.
"And you have yelled at me a lot before." She added.
"Only because I needed to because you used to be a suicidal moron before," he mumbled, eyes now searching for her. While initially he cringed at the feeling of her reaching out for his hand and keeping it held in hers - simply because he wasn't used to it - now he couldn't deny the fact that he enjoyed this close contact. "Had to get it through your thick skull somehow." He said, now averting his gaze and looking into their hands.
Saints, she was so soft. Half of him was telling him to let go and the other half was telling him to just live with it.
She inched closer, an impish grin settling on her lips. "So I'm not a suicidal moron now?" Her eyes shone even more at him, looking for him.
"Nah, you're just a regular moron now." He muttered, casting his eyes back up to her.
"Levi…" she breathed.
"Mm?" he hummed, quietly.
"I missed you." She whispered. Her heart was beating violently in her ribcage as if it was going to burst out.
Levi smirked and cocked a brow. "Missed me, huh? You damned shitty brat. Why are you talking to me like you're going to die?"
"Because you're my friend, and I missed you." She mumbled, eyes gazing back at his. She hadn't taken her eyes off of him once.
Levi shook his head. "You were gone for two nights, cut it out with that sappy bullshit."
Her posture relaxed, not even realizing it was tense. "You're a big distraction for me," she mumbled, quoting Hange. The anxiety within her was bubbling over and she was fit to burst, or even cry, or scream - she didn't know - and it was all driving her nuts. And Levi sat there, watching it all unfold, albeit with a curious look on his face. She tore off the covers and placed her weight to her haunches. Levi's hands let go of hers for a brief second.
"Distraction how?" He asked. "You damn well I hate all this cryptic bullshit, Bláithín."
He saw a flicker of emotion swirl in her eyes and he heard her breathing quicken. He just stared at her and his incessant staring made her eyes burn threateningly. It's almost like he knew what she was trying to do but he wanted her to go through with it all the way.
And she did.
Now or never, right?
Taking a deep breath, she reached forward for his hand and pulled him to her gently. She leaned forwards and pressed her lips against his. She could feel him inhale sharpy and stiffen against her and her lips trembled against his chapped ones.
Fuck, I should have known this was too much for him, I shouldn't have done this at all, she said to herself as tears pricked her eyes. One trickled down her cheek and she pulled away.
She exhaled shakily, instantly regretting it as more tears spilled out over her cheeks and she did her best to hold back her anxious sobs. "I'm so sorry…" she mumbled. Her lips trembled violently and she wanted to scold herself for behaving like such a wee school girl. Crying over a man not kissing her back? Wow, she was in too deep. "I'm sorry, Levi, I'm so, so sorry…"
Time seemed to stop for the few split seconds of silence that fell between them when she felt his calloused thumbs rub away the tears from her cheeks and the new ones that threatened to spill.
It was his own silent way of saying 'look at me' and she did.
In the few seconds of looking at her, he decided that he hated the absence of her lips against his and he wanted her again.
He looked at her and saw Bláithín for the woman she had blossomed into and will continue to; a girl haunted by her name and trampled on repeatedly, but emerged from it all with an edge of fire and a spunky side to her. And despite all this, she was so gentle too. There was a flame within her that could engulf her whole if she allowed it to - he saw it when Eden went missing - and there was a drive in her now that he never thought was possible for her. Not until now, at least. She was a source of light and fire, and she was so warm, and he wanted more. He had no idea how long that desire had been locked away for.
She was a sobbing mess, but he had to admit, she was very pretty in the amber light of her candles.
"Shut the hell up…" he whispered as he leaned in and captured her lips. He stood up to kneel on her mattress to get more access, his lips continuing to caress hers gently. She kissed back after a few seconds of being stuck in limbo and he leaned in further. Testing the waters, he ran his fingers through her hair and she sighed against his mouth. He pulled away and looked for her eyes. "Don't apologize."
His heart thumped wildly in his chest, much like hers.
Levi and Bláithín cracked.
Humanity's Strongest had fallen from his pedestal.
And in that moment, Levi didn't care. Not now, he could care later.
She sat back down and Levi sat down on the bed, eyes never leaving her. He decided that since she initiated it, he should probably break the ice.
Oh, but by the goddesses, he did it in the worst way.
"Hope your first kiss wasn't terrible, haven't done that in a while." He said nonchalantly.
She gaped at him. "Who told you?!"
"You did, just now," he replied. He scoffed and leaned forward to her. "No one shakes that much from something like that, that's how I could tell."
She pursed her lips together and twiddled her thumbs that hadn't stopped shaking. "If you must know, it wasn't terrible…"
Levi nodded and smirked for the umpteenth time that night. "Good, I'm glad. Because it could have been diabolical."
Bláithín shook her head. God, she was so nervous and her face was completely flushed, though it was probably hard to tell in the lowly lit room. Levi stood up and walked around to all the candles that had been lits and started blowing them all out.
"Levi?"
"Yes, Bláithín?"
"What does this mean for us?" She asked.
She could barely see him anymore in the darkness of her room. She could hear them though and she heard the spring in her mattress when he sat down again. She had to squint but she could make out the outline of his head and body. He pulled on her covers, gesturing for her to lie down and to get some rest. She obliged but she kept looking at him. He brought a hand to her forehead and smoothed her mop of blonde hair back.
Who knew a man so rough and tough on the outside could be so touchy and be so heartbreakingly gentle too about it?
"What do you want for it to mean?" he asked. She let out a hum, not knowing what to say. "Shit, I'm not good at this, uh… I suppose… When two people like each other, they enter a relationship."
"Duh." She quickly added.
"Quiet, brat," he said, dismissively before continuing again. "That being said, you know our line of work. I can't promise you the things you may be expecting in a normal relationship - marriage, kids, a house - but, I can promise that I'll do my best to protect you."
"I don't need those things," she mumbled softly.
"But you want those things." He pointed out. And he was right, but those were merely goals for her that could be achieved if the Titans were eradicated.
"Y-Yeah, but…" she began.
"Bláithín," he called out, his voice gentle. In fact, she never loved the sound of someone calling her name so much. He leaned over and his lips hovered over hers for a second, ghosting them before pressing a chaste kiss there. "Sleep on it and come back to me tomorrow morning. I'm happy to go alone with whatever you want."
He stood up and walked towards the door of her bedroom. He opened it and grimaced at the creak it made. "Good night, see you tomorrow."
Not happy with how this turned out eeeek but I was itching to write it. I'd love to hear some thoughts!
Guest reviewer: hey, thanks a bunch for reading this far in! I know it is in dire need of editing, but I will be revamping earlier chapters. I hope you have a wonderful day and it means a lot you took the time out of your day to review, really I lowkey blushed ;-;
Translation of the poem:
O love as long as love you can,
O love as long as love you may,
The time will come, the time will come
When you will stand at the grave and mourn!
Be sure that your heart burns,
And holds and keeps love
As long as another heart beats warmly
With its love for you
And if someone bares his soul to you
Love him back as best you can
Give his every hour joy,
Let him pass none in sorrow!
And guard your words with care,
Lest harm flow from your lips!
Dear God, I meant no harm,
But the loved one recoils and mourns.