AN: Greetings all, after 6 years (my god has it really been that long?) I am back from the dead!
I am sorry for disappearing for so long everyone, truth is I was actually struggling to continue the story after I uploaded the first few chapters. I gave up on it for awhile, thinking that I'd get back to it after some down time but then well... life got in the way.
Thankfully though, I was suddenly feeling really reminiscent of my work here and when I read through all those kind reviews my wonderful, beautiful readers left me, I knew I had to at least try.
So for better or for worse, this crack ship is back on track.
But just a fair warning, I haven't written anything in well, 6 years so bear with me if the writing is messy.
Hopefully, it'll still be a fun experience for you guys :)
Uchiha Sasuke was born and raised to be a fighter. It's all he has ever known.
He remembers when he was a young boy tugging on his brother's sleeve, innocently asking about where babies came from. His brother crouched down and looked him in the eyes and said,
"When a woman and a man marry, they um… they, engage in a vicious battle. But… um, with their pants off. A… pants-off face-off, if you will." Itachi coughed, his troubled expression clearly reflecting his discomfort. "If the man is victorious, a baby is born."
He was led to believe at very young age that even life would begin through combat. Those beliefs don't simply disappear at will.
Romance, seduction… all of that was incredibly foreign to him.
But he was determined. So what if he had the romantic aptitude of a green pea? Skills can be developed. Take Naruto for example; a fully grown man who entertains himself by making fart noises by flapping his armpit has managed to distinguish himself as one of the world's greatest shinobi despite having only half a brain cell.
If that buffoon could get this far despite the odds, then anything is possible.
He was willing to go through any means necessary – even if it meant heeding the words of a menace to society.
Sasuke paced restlessly around his bathroom, constantly checking the door handle to make sure it was locked. After about 12 laps around the expanse of his bathroom, he stopped to lean against the door, sighing tiredly. He stared at the book in his hands, the source of his shame.
"Trust me," Kakashi snickered, the mischievous glint in his eye made Sasuke deeply uncomfortable. "This book has everything you need to know and more."
"Icha-Icha Paradise! Volume 5; Revisiting the Art of Seduction!"
The many creases, crinkles and stains – which he hoped was from food – tells him that it was more than fully utilised. He cringed and felt chills running down his spine as he flipped the book over and spotted an eerily lifelike photo of the infamous author, the legendary shinobi and undefeated champion of perverts Jiraiya, grinning from ear to ear at the bottom right corner. The article next to the photo detailed his many successful conquests and a rather… colourful poem.
Don't think twice,
You'll seduce her real nice!
Break down those walls,
Get rid of your blue balls,
Once you're done with this book,
She'll be chasing you like a crook,
She'll tackle you down,
And beg you to take off her gown!
He cannot believe that he has stooped so low to the point of relying on this filth. Sasuke had truly reached the pinnacle of desperation
He breathed a heavy sigh, swallowing his pride as he reluctantly flicked to the first chapter of the book.
Chapter One; breaking the ice.
Unfortunately, sex is more of a conquest of the mind for women. They long for the gentle touch of a man who values them as a person rather than just a body. As painstaking as it is, the first step is to make them feel cherished.
Trust the process and be patient. Very soon, your penis will be cherished as well.
"Welcome home, Sasu – "Hinata stopped in her tracks, blinking curiously at the bouquet of gloriously white blossoms covering her husband's face.
"Ah," Sasuke cocked his head to the side, a small but proud smirk on his face. "I am home."
"A-Ano…" Hinata poked her index fingers together, smiling shyly. "What are these…?"
"Um, they're… uh…" Sasuke paused, scratching his chin as he attempted to string a sentence together whilst trying to calm his nerves. "They're… they're flowers, no daisies! Yes, daises… they're um, they're for you." He cleared his throat and turned away, blushing scarlet as he held out his hand, offering her the bouquet.
"Oh Sasuke, thank you so much! You shouldn't have!" She sighed dreamily, carefully grasping the bouquet.
His eyes softened as he watched her clutch the flowers against her chest and bury her face in the petals. She looked so happy.
Hopefully somewhere in the near future, he too will be pressed up against her chest.
"This is… why… all of a sudden?"
"I thought of you when I saw them so…."
Or rather, the book said that he should.
"You're sweet." She gazed at him as though he were a masterpiece painting worth billions, her eyes were practically sparkling with admiration.
This was it. This was his chance.
The mission has commenced, much more successfully than expected.
He took a step forward, then another, and another, his mind racing with endless possibilities.
Should he hook his arm around her waist and pull her close?
But the flowers would be in the way, wouldn't they? Should he let their bodies crush the bouquet or simply heave it across the living room before planting a hot, wet, passionate kiss on those sensuous, full lips that teased and taunted him for so long?
Or perhaps, he should rip off that oversized shirt and sweatpants and ravish her right here in the living room?
Oh, so many tempting choices to choose from!
Before he was even aware of it, he was towering before her. His fingers curled around her chin, lifting her gaze up to meet his.
"A-Ano?" Hinata's hands began to shake and tighten around the bouquet in her grasp, crinkling the plastic wrapping. She had a dazed, confused expression as though she was caught in a genjutsu.
He slowly inched closer, licking his lips in anticipation as he felt her warm breath caress his skin.
"Sasuke," She rasped as their lips touched for a short moment.
"Hm?"
"W-Wait I-I feel… s-something's c-coming…"
"Already?" He raised a brow, an immense feeling of accomplishment washing over him.
This was certainly going better than he expected.
"I-I, I am about to – ACHOO!"
Sasuke froze in place as projectile spit sprayed across his face.
...
...
Was this… some sort of foreplay?
"I-I am so s-sorry!" Hinata gasped in sheer horror, cautiously reaching out to wipe her secretions off his face.
"I-I-I didn't mean to – ACHOO!"
He stayed completely still even as the second gust of moist wind slapped him in the face, almost as though it was mocking his efforts and his pitiful, pitiful existence.
"I-I-It's the pollen, I-I am going to – ACHOO!" She quickly covered her mouth with her trembling hand and scurried away from him. "I-I am going to p-put th-these – ACHOO! In a vase!"
Sasuke stayed put, ruminating in the backdrop of his wife's violent sneezing, reflecting upon his life and his choices thus far. He wondered what he could have possibly done to deserve this fate.
Could it be that this was all some sort of sick cosmic punishment for murdering an entire squadron guarding the Hokage summit a few years ago? Or maybe it was for the time he set a couple of heads on fire? Or the time he nearly decapitated his childhood friend?
Whatever sort of karmic justice he was facing, certainly his minor transgressions in the past would not warrant this sort of cruel, abominable punishment.
Needless to say, this mission was a colossal failure. But he wasn't about to give up anytime soon.
One way or another, he was going to have a pants-off face-off with his wife.
W-What was that!
Hinata was hunched over the kitchen counter, aggressively tending to her dripping nose after risking her life to arrange the flowers her stoic husband gifted to her – an uncharacteristic gesture which was followed by an even more uncharacteristic gesture… a kiss?!
Certainly, she had to be mistaken. The man was basically a celibate.
She blushed furiously as she brushed her fingers across her bottom lip, reliving the brief moment his lips touched hers.
Right before she sneezed directly into his face.
"What on earth is wrong with me?!" She whined and buried her face in a handful of tissues, praying that this was all in fact the work of a genjutsu. How could she face him after that? Oh, she could just die!
Her flurry of thoughts was interrupted by the sound of light footsteps approaching her.
Oh god no, please… an earthquake, a village invasion, a random uninvited house guest, something, anything! Save her from having to face her husband!
"Are you feeling better?" Hinata stiffened as she felt his hand on the small of her back.
To be honest, not at all. I would very much like to swallow fistfuls of rat poison and die swiftly.
"Y-Yes!" Her body sprung up straight as she turned to him with a forced smile plastered on her face.
"That's good." Sasuke sighed, half relieved, half disappointed. "I'm sorry my flowers made you sick."
Her heart sank as she watched him sulk; he looked like a toddler who had just lost his favourite toy.
"No, not at all! The flowers weren't the problem! I am just generally sensitive to pollen!" She held his hands in hers and squeezed them tight, as though to affirm her words.
"I… never knew you are sensitive to pollen." He grumbled under his breath, seeming genuinely upset. "But you've never had a problem with the flowers in our garden."
"That's because the flowers in our garden don't have much pollen."
"So, my flowers were the problem." He sighed.
"No!" Feeling frustrated, Hinata got on her tiptoes and grabbed him by the shoulders in a commendable albeit unsuccessful attempt to look him directly in the eyes.
"Listen to me, I love the flowers. I really do. They made me so happy."
"…Truly?" Sasuke murmured, pink dusting his cheeks.
"Truly." She giggled.
Gosh, he's adorable!
"I am glad, because you see… the flowers are actually an incentive." Sasuke's lips twitched into an awkward smile.
"An incentive?"
"Yes… it is a part of my proposition… for you."
"A proposition?"
"Hn." He gulped audibly, nervously avoiding her gaze. His face was getting redder with each passing second.
"I propose… a dinner."
"Ah, you want me to make you dinner?"
"No, no, I… want to take you out… for dinner." Sasuke buried his hand in his hair, his voice was strained as though that sentence was the hardest thing he ever had to say in his entire life.
"Well… do you want to?"
Hinata was too stunned to speak.
Surely, this had to be a genjutsu.
Tips on how to bait your date.
Again, this is all about mind games. Preparing an ideal date setting and demonstrating effort is important, but what can truly make or break the deal is the quality of interaction you have with the woman.
You have to show interest but avoid being pushy. Compliment her, but don't go overboard – for example, it is fine to praise her aesthetic but draw the line at expressing your blazing desire to sniff her panties.
Flirt but do it casually, try to pepper in some humour if you can. Humour is always an asset with women, remember that. No matter what kind of ugly mug you may be cursed with, come up with a good knock-knock joke and you will have women on their knees and swooning for you.
Once they start responding favourably to your advances, it's time to introduce some physical touch into the mix. Be subtle about it, even if it appears that she wants more, tease her a little. Get her to show you how far things can go. But whatever you do, no matter how hard it gets, literally and figuratively, resist the urge to whip your dick out during the date.
He can't remember the last time he studied so hard for something. He even prepared some flashcards to help him out whenever he gets stumped – which he predicts is going to happen quite often considering his track record.
He took deep, steady breaths and tried to relax on the couch while he waited in the living room for her to get ready.
He was nervous.
His hands kept fiddling and shuffling through his flashcards, making sure all 26 of them were accounted for and that the ink didn't smudge.
He ran his hands through his hair for the umpteenth time, making sure there were no stray strands sticking out of his sleek backcomb.
He smoothed out and tucked his black button down shirt into his slacks to the point that most of the fabric was bunched in his pants and there wasn't a crease in sight. He specifically picked out an all-black attire to make sure that she wouldn't be able to see any nervous sweat stains.
He was about to check that he filed his nails in a perfect curve when he heard the bedroom door creak open.
He took one last deep breath, shoved his trusty cards in his pockets and reminded himself that they were a married couple – this was a low stakes date, he already got the girl what's the worst that could happen?
There was no way she would divorce him over a bad date, right?
… Right?
"Sasuke, I am ready. Shall we go?"
"Hn." He grunted, shaking his head in an attempt to banish his terrifying thoughts as he got up from the couch and turned to his wife who was already waiting by the front door.
He made sure to get a good look as he walked towards her, eyeing her up and down, silently concocting the ultimate compliment in his head.
She had some light make-up on, nothing too noticeable.
Her hair was in a neat half ponytail, held together by a floral barrette. The only jewellery she had on were a pair of pearl stud earrings and her engagement ring.
As always, she was dressed modestly. She wore a plain white sundress that he had seen before. It had a square neckline that didn't do justice to her supreme cleavage – which he was grateful for. He didn't want to get distracted throughout the night.
It was nothing new, she dolled up the way she always has. In fact, he was very sure that he has seen her in this exact same outfit before.
But at this moment for some reason, he was completely and utterly awestruck.
Was it because of that excited gleam in her eyes? Or that blindingly bright smile on her face? Or the fact that she looked so happy waiting for him?
Or maybe it was just because he was finally taking the time to look at her.
Whatever it was, he just didn't have the words to describe how beautiful she looked right now.
"Ano, is something wrong?" Hinata began fidgeting and adjusting herself, evidently feeling self-conscious.
Oh dear, he had been staring for too long.
"Is it my dress? Should I change into something else?"
Say something. Anything. Just express your thoughts, just tell her that she's indescribably… ah, what's the word?
Gorge-licious?
Scrump-tiful?
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?
Mommy?
Say something, for god's sake!
"Are you Uchiha Madara?" He choked.
"E-Eh?"
Oh god, why did he say that?!
"Uhhhh…."
Just go with it, there is no other choice.
"Because every time I look into your eyes, I feel like I am caught in an infinite dream."
A painfully long silence ensued.
"Ah…" Hinata covered her reddened face with her hands, meekly averting her gaze. "I am not quite sure what you're trying to say but… I am guessing you're okay with the dress?"
"Yes," Sasuke exhaled a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Yes, I am very okay with the dress. More than okay. The most okay."
"Okay," Hinata giggled. "Then… let's go?"
"Hn."
The night was off at a terribly rocky start, but the good news is she's still by his side.
Though hopefully by the end of the night, she'll be under him. Or on top, whichever is fine as long she's naked.
Well, that as they say is that. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.
I'll try my best to keep the story going if you guys are still interested. No promises on regular updates though! For sure, if I do continue it won't take another 6 years at least... hopefully...
Happy new year everyone!