RETURN OF THE GENDERFLUID MONARCH
Yes I'm back! A day before the finale! How appropriate lol
And, as tradition demands, I'm back with pain. Cross really ain't gettin any rest from canon or this fanon. It's character development at least!
Now, this chapter is a bit heavier on some topics, so please take care of yourself here!
Warnings: Descriptive panic attack, self blame, self hatred, hints to past self harm (it's mainly just implied).
Not for me. Not for me!
Pure horror gripped Crosshair with unrelenting force as Shadow's words echoed over and over in his head.
"Alphians have thirteen lives. And I just lost one."
He didn't take her seriously when she warned him of the nightmare.
He brushed her off.
Told her she made a big deal out of nothing…
And now she was down a life, sacrificing it for him.
She died for him.
Shadow died for him.
Because of him.
The realization stole his breath.
He did this.
It was all his fault.
He didn't believe her.
Didn't trust her.
It was all his fault.
It was all his fault!
Staggering back from the group, ignoring their calls for him to stop, Crosshair abandoned his helmet and fled into the tunnels.
Head spinning, mind screaming, breath coming in short gasps, Crosshair didn't know where he was going.
Didn't know which way to turn.
Didn't know how deep the tunnels led.
Didn't know how far he'd go.
All he knew was he had to run.
Run away from his mistake.
Run away from the fact that, thanks to him, the woman he cared for died.
Had he listened…
Had he taken her seriously…
Had he trusted her…
It's all your fault!
You killed her!
You killed her!
No!
He didn't know! He would never hurt her! He didn't know!
How did you treat her? You scorned her! Turned her away, drove her off! She only ever wanted to help and now she's lost a life thanks to you!
"No!" The scream ripped from his raw throat, echoing shrilly through the rocky passageways.
"Crosshair!"
Shadow's yell reached him, sending bolts of terror through him.
She would tear into him.
Rip him apart.
Rightfully remind him that her death was his fault and his fault alone.
Breaking into a run once more, blood dripping down his arm and sweat running down his face, Crosshair frantically tried to outrun the team chasing him down.
He could already see their hateful glares. Vengeful stares.
Hear their harsh words, full of potent venom as they eviscerated him for costing Shadow a life.
"Crosshair!"
Hunter.
Hunter would find him easily, tracking him down just like he always did in Kamino whenever Crosshair tried to run from his mistakes.
It was only a matter of time.
Turning a corner, Crosshair tucked himself against the wall and buried his face in his hands. Sliding down to the floor, his chest heaved as tears threatened to spill from his eyes.
It was too hot.
His armor was too tight.
His heart was too fast.
He couldn't breathe.
He couldn't breathe!
Clutching his throat, Crosshair felt hot tears trickle down his cheeks.
It's all your fault!
It's your fault!
You did this!
You caused her death!
You killed her!
"No!"
Hands snatched his shoulders, his attacker's voice blurring together with the screaming jury in his head.
Condemning him.
Sentencing him.
Clawing at the assailant's wrists, unable to speak as he gasped for breath, Crosshair kicked out at them.
He didn't know!
He never meant for this to happen!
It should have been me!
"Go away!" he screamed, voice breaking. "Leave me alone!"
"Crosshair, vod! Breathe! Focus. C'mon, come back to me."
Hunter's voice, firm but steady, sliced through the haze, dragging Crosshair back from that horrible echo chamber. As the sergeant's tattooed face and shaggy hair took shape through the panic and tears, Crosshair gasped, "W-Where… others?"
They'd be coming.
Coming after him.
Coming to tear him apart.
"Told them to stay back with Shadow."
At the mention of the mountain guide's name, his heart began to race once more. Her body falling to the ground flashed before his eyes, the red bolt slowly ripping through her. "It's my fault. I did this. I killed her. She died because of me. I killed-"
"Stop that now," Hunter ordered sharply.
"You don't understand." Why didn't he get it?! "She lost a life because of me."
"She doesn't blame you."
"She should." Crosshair hugged himself tightly. "If it weren't for me, she wouldn't have lost a life. I didn't believe her. I didn't trust her. And she died because of me."
"Shadow made her choice, Crosshair," Hunter said slowly. "You know you couldn't have stopped her."
No. No he couldn't have. Shadow was just as stubborn as him, if not more so. There was no changing her mind.
"But… why me? Why give a life for me?" His voice dropped. "After how I treated her…"
"Crosshair-"
"She took a bullet for me, and what did I say right before that?" He swallowed hard, throat a burning well of emotion as he gripped his head. "I accused her of not carin'... of being unfaithful. Those… those may have been my last words to her."
Hunter remained silent before saying, "Then change."
"I can't-"
"You can, vod." Hunter sat next to him and pulled him into a tight embrace. "I know you have it in you. Shadow does too."
"All I do is hurt her," Crosshair rasped, gripping Hunter tightly. "All I do is cause her pain. Why won't she just… give up on me already? I don't… I didn't deserve to be saved."
She should have let that bullet rip through him. Would serve him right…
"She thinks you did. Thinks you do." Hunter cupped the back of his head. "And she's right."
Crosshair clenched his teeth as another torrent of agony ripped through him. "I could have lost her and my last words would have been out of anger…"
"Then fix it." Hunter's voice softened. "She looked heartbroken when you ran away."
Her face from the night before flashed across his eyes. That agony… rubbed raw once again…
His heart stopped.
He… he just abandoned her…
"Don't, vod. Don't let yourself spiral. Breathe with me, c'mon," Hunter said firmly yet gently, giving Crosshair a shake. "You know Shadow is understanding. But you have to show that you are willing to put effort in too."
Breaths bordering dangerously close on ragged sobs, Crosshair just nodded and tried to follow Hunter's example.
Shadow believed in him. She thought him worth it.
He would try.
For her.
He owed her that much…
Minutes passed before he got his breathing under control, the episode leaving him half numb and exhausted with a sore throat and burning eyes. Accepting Hunter's hand, Crosshair shakily got to his feet and trudged back after Hunter.
Self doubt and trepidation weighed him down, dragging his feet and slowing his steps. "What if she turns me away…?"
"She won't."
How could he be so sure?
Hesitantly turning the corner to the entrance, Crosshair stopped at the sight of Shadow curled in Wrecker's lap… with his helmet held tightly in her arms.
Seeing him, she flattened her ears and held his helmet tighter.
Facing an entire battalion of droids was preferable to this…
"S-Shadow," he began, walking over with fists clenched as he tried to swallow down the emotion rising in his throat once more. His eyes couldn't leave the ground. "I... "
Her hug nearly knocked the breath from him. Arms around his shoulders and her tail curling around them both, Shadow pressed her face into his neck. She said nothing, but she didn't have to.
His hesitation lasted not even a second as his arms wrapped tightly around her back. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, he hung onto her as if she'd evaporate into mist if he let go.
"You shouldn't have done that," he croaked. Tears threatened to drip from his eyes again, but he didn't care.
Not now.
He couldn't hide from her anymore.
He wouldn't.
Not… not after she gave a life for him.
How could he push her away now?
"I'd do it again and again if it meant keeping you alive, Twiggs," she swore.
Tears spilled from his eyes and trickled down his cheeks, dripping onto her shirt. "Why?"
"Because I'm not givin' up on you. Not now." Her grip tightened. "Not ever."
Emotion stealing his words, Crosshair merely hugged her tighter.
He almost lost her.
He almost lost her.
And he'd be damned if he made the same mistake again.
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Was Crosshair… crying?
When the sniper ran away at my confession of a life lost, I nearly panicked.
Thought he hated my decision.
Hated me.
But no.
He hated…
Himself.
I didn't mean for that to happen. I never wanted him to hate himself.
I knew all too well how damaging that mindset could be.
I could feel the sniper tremble in my embrace, something that rocked me to my core. Warm tears on my shoulder told me that tremors weren't the only physical sign.
If I knew how badly my action would shake Crosshair, I would have…
Well, what could I have done?
Elemental powers took a moment to charge. Tele-shoves may not have thrown him in time.
Body slam-and-shield was my only option.
But I didn't regret it one bit.
The only thing I regretted was sending the usually reserved sniper into a full scale panic attack. I'd had them enough myself to know what someone looked like coming out of one.
And…
I wouldn't ever reveal this to any of the Batchers, but while Wrecker and Tech were out of hearing range when Hunter confronted Crosshair…
I was not.
I heard everything.
The pain, the agony, the regret, the terror, the panic…
Oh Cross…
I tilted my head against his before taking a step back.
Only for Crosshair to tighten his own grip.
"Don't… don't go."
My eyes widened, but I stepped back into the hug. "Not goin' anywhere."
I received a nod and an even tighter grip.
I met Hunter's gaze over Crosshair's shoulder, shock yet sympathy in those brown eyes. He gave me a soft smile, mouthing 'Thank you'.
Blinking in affirmation, I ran a hand down what portion of Crosshair's back I could. "Breathe, Twiggs. Battle's over."
"It's never over," he whispered, another shiver running through. "It never stops…"
Guess it took me losing a life to break down the first wall.
But damn it all to the depths if I wouldn't have chosen any other way to get through to him.
I wanted him to open up, to show vulnerability but…
Not like this. Never like this.
"We're all safe. But you need medical attention." I tugged back and risked resting my forehead against his. "You're bleedin', Twiggs."
He flinched, drawing back, before leaning forward again. "Just… stay."
"Here, Twiggs," I promised. "Breathe. Match me." Carefully slowing my breath, waiting four beats between inhales and exhales, I cupped the back of his head and pulled him closer. "In for four, hold for four, out for four. That's it."
Slowly his breaths evened out, the rigid grip on my arms relaxing. Moments passed before he leaned back and opened his eyes again, the whites bloodshot from tears.
The sight hit me like a punch in the gut, but I managed a smile. Taking another risk, I rested my hand on his cheek. "There's the sniper."
A weak smile met me as he leaned into my grip.
Wrecker, who'd been hovering beside us, rested a hand on Crosshair's shoulder. "C'mon, Cross, let Tech fix ya."
Crosshair looked from Wrecker back to me, only going with the demolition expert when I gave him a nod.
As he moved off to sit with Wrecker and Tech, I went and sat down by Hunter. Slouching against the wall, I curled into him when he draped an arm over my shoulder and pulled me close. "You're shot too," I reminded him, eyeing the shoulder pad.
"Just hit my armor," he rumbled, giving me a reassuring smile. "Survived worse."
I just hummed in response, closing my eyes as his fingers gently detangled my hair.
"Did good, Ice." He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. "Did good."
"Thanks, Hunt."
"We will need to stay longer while I inspect his wound. There are numerous lacerations in his forearm where his armor did not cover. I need to cut away his sleeve for this," Tech said, looking over Crosshair's arm.
The sniper stiffened, quickly drawing his arm back. "It's fine."
"Crosshair, you could have a deeper cut than we know. I need to ensure it doesn't get infected and cause you worse damage later on," Tech countered, reaching for his arm again.
"No. It's fine."
"Cross," Hunter called gently. "Let Tech see." He paused. "Shadow won't judge you."
Panicked eyes went from Tech to Hunter to me.
Come to think of it… I hadn't seen his arms without his blacks before. But why didn't he want me to see?
"Cross, I'm not goin' to judge your arms," I tried. "I know you can lift me."
He wouldn't meet my eyes. "It's… not what's under the skin…"
Not what's under…
Oh.
I understood now.
If Tech got his sleeve off, I would see battlescars.
Just not those from any battle or enemy I could see.
But oh did I know that fight all too well. I bore no physical signs myself, but…
Not all scars were physical anyways.
Depression was one hell of a monster.
"You're not alone in your fight," was all I said. I couldn't magically make his pain go away… but sometimes just knowing you weren't alone helped.
His eyes widened before he dropped his gaze and nodded, letting Tech tug his armor off and cut away his blacks.
Should I turn my head? Would that be more respectful? I knew how thin the ice was for this subject, but if I looked away that may make him feel worse.
But looking his way could be interpreted as staring…
Maybe just being by his side would be the best course of action.
Getting up, I walked over and sat on his opposite side. Curling my tail around him, I smiled reassuringly as I held my hand out.
Gripping it tightly with his free hand, he gave me a grateful look before focusing on the ground again.
Resting my head on his shoulder and slowly running my thumb along the back of his hand, I sat in silence with him as Tech worked on his arm. Wrecker shuffled up behind us, giving Crosshair his shoulder to lean against. Hunter joined us, bracing against my own back.
We sat in silence, Crosshair occasionally hissing in pain but overall remaining quiet.
Luckily it didn't take long for Tech to clean and dress the primary wound, affirming that the damage was only superficial. "There are minor scrapes on his forearm as well, but his gauntlet and wrist guard should fit around them and the bacta patches."
Breathing a sigh of relief, I squeezed Crosshair's hand before I stood and stretched. "Anyone else need medical attention?"
"Ready when you are, Ice," Hunter said, standing with me.
Crosshair put his sleeve and armor back on, stashing the upper arm cuff in his pack before getting to his feet. "What about you?" he asked, looking me over.
"Injury fully heals after a life. I just gotta take it easy with large magic feats."
"Right…"
I patted his shoulder. "I'll be fine, Twiggs. Again, I don't regret it."
I just received a concerned look before the sniper scooped up his helmet and slipped it on. But he hesitantly reached out, laying a hand on my shoulder and squeezing. "Thank you."
I rested my hand over his.
"Shadow, you can lead us from here, right?" Hunter asked, slipping his own helmet on.
"Aye. Just… keep those helmet lights off. Easier for me to see"
"I am curious as to why it is not pitch black in here," Tech chirped, putting his supplies away. "There is no light source from what I can see."
"Not the weirdest thing to happen to us," I snorted, starting down the tunnel. At least the mineshaft info dump seemed to still be on track.
Heh. Mineshaft minecart tracks. On track. Heh heh.
"Yes. I would like to see your blades," Tech said, hurrying to my side as I led the way. "Why did they turn red?"
"Oh yeah… they did do that didn't they?"
"Yes! I have never heard of sabers doing such a thing!"
"They're not supposed to," I replied, pulling one off my belt and igniting it.
A purple blade greeted me.
"Ok, what in Davy Jones' locker is this tomfoolery?" I muttered, poking it.
"Who's Davy Jones?" Wrecker asked.
"Oh uh… It's a sailor sayin'," I replied, lightly smacking my saber. "C'mon, do the thing…"
"How d'ya get red blades anyways?" Wrecker asked.
"According to ancient archives," Tech began, doing his little pointing thing. "Sith get their red blades when they corrupt and bleed a Kyber crystal with their rage and darkness."
"So your crystal bled, Squeak?"
"I guess? But it healed now… no, that's not how the Force works. It's probably a Mary Sue thing." I smacked it a couple more times. "They often get special things that break the laws of the universe. Just blame it on that."
"When did they go red?" Crosshair asked, sticking close to my other side.
"They went red… when you got shot down," Hunter answered slowly.
Silence stretched before the sniper murmured, "Oh…"
"I didn't take kindly to it," I muttered, ears flat as my cheeks burned.
"Obviously," Tech replied matter-of-factly. "You have very few triggers for anger, but us getting hurt or coming under attack seems to be a big one."
"I'm protective and a bit possessive, alright?" I huffed, turning a corner. The blade flickered red before returning to that steady amethyst. "So now you do the thing, over glorified glow stick."
"You would not be a good Jedi," Hunter commented dryly.
"No shit," I snorted.
"Glad you're not one," Crosshair mumbled, arm lightly brushing mine.
I flicked my tail against his leg. "You and me both."
It could have been hours. Could have been a few minutes. I had no idea how long we were wandering around in those tunnels, my Cave Compass ability occasionally causing my markings to light up. But finally we found the first true signs of a mineshaft, wooden braces forming a doorway to what looked like a long abandoned mine depot.
Or whatever you called those things.
For being from a family of coal miners, I didn't know shit about mines.
"Turnin' on my headlamp," Wrecker said, stepping in front of us and looking around. "Woah."
"Impressive. Must be minin' diamond or some other important mineral. Or, at least, they were."
"Who would they be?" Hunter asked as we fanned out. "Aside from those at the Outpost, and Sarah, haven't seen anyone on this planet."
"Don't forget Maxy," I snorted.
"Does he mine?"
"No, he's a sailor if anything," I said with a shake of my head. "But it's probably just a location for this story."
"Still not used to that whole thing," Hunter groaned.
"At this point, ain't a matter of gettin' used to anything. It's just being too tired to question anything. Just run with stuff, it's what's best," I chuckled.
Tech, who had been investigating nearly everything in his immediate vicinity, spoke up. "What's that?"
I followed his gaze and saw an old panel covered in various gears and switches plus all manner of buttons and lights. "Looks like an old generator- Tech I would not touch that," I warned as the nerd jogged over to the old control console.
Talk about Journey to the Center of the Earth flashbacks…
"I am certain I can get it running again," Tech replied simply, starting to poke around.
"Or blow us all up. Get away from that!" Hunter barked.
"Would that thing even have power?" Crosshair grumbled, still sticking close to my side.
"Guess we're gonna find out," I said as Tech continued to tinker.
"Can do percussive maintenance if needed!" Wrecker said happily, going to help Tech only to receive a hiss and violent "shoo"ing motions. "Hey, tryin' to help!"
"Help elsewhere!"
"Such a team, those two," I chuckled. Glancing around the cavern, my tail bristled at the minecarts and tracks leading out of here.
We really were, deadass, in the Journey movie mine. Grand.
As long as it didn't go the same route as the movie…
But, knowing my luck, it absolutely would.
"Would you stop throwin' switches?" Hunter demanded to Tech, who ignored him and continued to tinker as a low drone met my ears.
"Ugh, vibrations," I grumbled, rubbing my ear. Damn things were even more of a bother with this advanced hearing.
"Can hear vibrations?" Wrecker asked.
"Sensory perception disorder is a cruel bitch," I grumbled. "Heavy machinery gives off a hum that can get really irritatin'."
"Tech!" Hunter ordered, heading towards the engineer. "Get away from that thing!"
Still ignoring Hunter, Tech mumbled to himself before reaching for the lever. "Got it!" He forced it up.
The panel sparked, but the hum grew far louder before the overhead lights flickered on, revealing the large room.
Yep. Journey to the Center of the Earth.
Remember what you told Hunter. Just go with it.
Begone.
I jogged over to some minecarts on the track leading out. They seemed steady…
"Are we sure about this?" Hunter groaned, following me.
"Hah! Not at all." A blink later revealed Clairvoyance shimmering down the tracks. "Annnddd that glowy trail thing is back, heading this way."
"Great," the sergeant grumbled, shaking his head.
"Hey! Found a push thingy!" Wrecker said, coming down the tracks on one of those cart see-saw things. Handcarts?
"Well," I said, looking around at the men. "All aboard the Rickety Rustbucket Express."