Hi all. Been a minute, huh? ^^;
Wish I could say we're getting back on track, but my mental health has turned... well dangerous for lack of a better word. College isn't helping either so I can't recharge, leading to some not so good breakdown episodes.
All that depressing-ness to say this will be the last chapter for quite a while. Probably until December.
I originally wanted to post Trust Shattered for Halloween but... that's clearly not gonna happen. I COULD do it, since there are only two more chapters after this one until that big scene, but the writing (and namely myself) would suffer.
So... yeah I know that's not good news but it's a necessary announcement. As such, I wouldn't check back for updates until after the first week in December. I'll be somewhat active on my discord server, and maybe tumblr, but for official posting this is gonna be the last chapter for a while.
Thanks to the fans still reading!
This chapter is called "Facing the Music and the Road to High Hrothgar" but alas it wouldn't fit in the title bar
Content Warnings: Angst, mental turmoil, language
He hadn't been there.
He hadn't been there when his team members needed him.
Now Shadow and Crosshair were both on the defensive, their shields raising again.
So much progress... lost.
All because... "This is all Trevor's fault."
Shadow had her face buried in his neck with her arms tight around his shoulders, but she pulled back at his snarl. "What?"
Arms now partially wrapped around her waist, his hands above the small of her back, Hunter held her gaze as white hot anger burned through him. "We tried to reach you both earlier, but Trevor blocked the way. Said we couldn't stop what was happening because it would 'make or break the team'." He shook his head with a growl. "I can't believe he let this happen to you."
Shadow's ears twitched. "Well... technically I guess we did grow closer before that confession."
Shock and hope chased away his anger. "You did?"
If they got closer before that rift happened... then there was a better chance of recovery!
"Both of us spilled our guts and bared our souls a little bit."
His hope soared. "Crosshair confided in you?"
Hunter knew his brother. Crosshair didn't open up to hardly anyone. If he let Shadow see that vulnerable cadet that hid inside...
"And me in him." Shadow sighed, flicking her tail as she stepped forward again and rested her chin on his shoulder. "Trevor is, by extension, a part of me. On the chaotic neutral spectrum, I'm more towards chaotic good but he's really far on chaotic neutral," she mumbled into his neck.
What? Arms tight around her again, Hunter gently ran his hand through her hair, mindful of the knots. Carefully detangling them, he prompted, "Meaning?"
"He knows the way I write," Shadow said, leaning into his touch. She always got more cuddly when in pain, Hunter noticed. "Especially when it comes to character relationships."
Even if he understood Shadow on most things... writer-ly stuff was not among that list. "I'm not following."
"That's alright. It's a bit of a mindfuck anyway," she said dryly. "Basically, he's right."
Hunter stepped back to look Shadow in the eyes. "How?" he asked incredulously. While Shadow seemed to bounce back fairly quickly, she was still clearly in pain. How could she be ok with Trevor's actions? "It's thanks to him you're hurtin'."
Unease flickered across her face. "Don't get me wrong, I still want to flay the bastard. But Cross and I are too connected now to turn our backs on each other, at least forever. Doesn't mean whatever happens won't be extremely painful, but it's not enough to permanently drive us apart. There's no true betrayal, emotions are just a bit high and the wound is still raw."
"You sound much calmer about this than I'd expect," he had to say.
A weak laugh. "Oh I want to throw up. Like I said, a foundation doesn't prevent heartbreak. It just..." She let go of him and gestured vaguely. "Makes sure the structure still stands."
Stop that, Ice. Stop defending him! "I know you want to rationalize this, Shadow, but don't. Trevor did something that hurt you and Crosshair. He needs to be held accountable."
Shadow held his gaze, ears twitching back. "Hunter-"
"The ends do not justify the means," the sergeant growled. "I don't care what he knows. I don't care how important it is for future events. I don't!" He cursed as Shadow flinched. Softening his tone, he rested a hand on her cheek. "I care about my team. That includes you. Don't defend him. You know what he did is wrong."
"I... I know..."
"Then why defend-?"
"How can I possibly attack someone for doing the same thing I do?"
Hunter's response was a bit harsher than he intended. "What?"
Shadow's ears flattened and she took a step back. "I've..." She took a deep breath. "I've done far worse than this to my own characters. In this universe... they're real. I've done tenfold worse to them than Trevor just did. I'd be a hypocrite if I attacked someone for something while I myself do it." Defiance filled her gaze and she raised her chin. "So, if you think Trevor is a monster, what would I be?"
He cursed as the ice cracked beneath his feet. He really needed to watch how he worded things now, given how touchy Shadow's emotions were. She was too volatile for tough truth. He'd have to take a gentler approach.
"Sorry... that's not what I meant." It was always so damn hard to talk to her when her emotions flared. Not by any fault of hers, Hunter just...
Didn't know what to do.
Shadow held her stance before she deflated and sat down hard on a piece of rubble, tail wrapping around her. Burying her face in her hands, she inhaled deeply before letting it out slowly. A low whine, indicative of incoming tears, sent pain ripping through the sergeant's chest.
Kneeling in front of her, Hunter rested his hands on her knees. "Shadow, look at me." He squeezed. "Please."
Blue eyes shining with unshed tears hesitantly met his.
"My duty is to keep my team together. You're part of that now. I don't care what you've done to other beings. I've seen your loyalty to my brothers. To me." His hands slipped around the backs of her calves, thumb gently brushing the messy fur. "That's all I care about. That's the only thing I will judge you by."
Shadow's eyes shifted between his for what felt like an eternity as her tail curled tighter around herself. Finally, with a deadpan expression, "So my sense of humor ain't important?"
Hunter couldn't help the smile that spread across his face. "You mean those ill-timed one-liners? Oh, those are atrocious," he replied, winking as he poked her side.
"Says the master of dry comments," Shadow shot back, a tired yet sly look creeping over her face as her tail wrapped around his wrist.
He chuckled and shuffled forward. Elbows resting on the tops of her legs, he bumped his head against hers. "I love your humor, Icy."
And you.
But he didn't add that last part. It felt too early, and Shadow's emotions were still all over the place.
"Had no idea," she chuckled, hand carefully running through his hair.
He chuckled again, then, in a serious tone, he assured her, "I'm here for you." He leaned back to meet her gaze. "Just say the word, and I'll be at your side"
"I know, Hunt." Shadow rested her forehead against his again. "It's just... not in the best headspace right now. Things are a bit..."
"Confusing?"
"Convoluted, but confusin' works too," she sighed. "Bit of a whirlwind. But." A soft chuckle. "Least I got a rock to brace against."
"You definitely do." A thought crossed his mind. Ill-timed, perhaps, but with all of Shadow's head bumps he had to ask.. "Ice..." he asked, leaning back to meet her gaze. "Know this is random but... are you aware of a keldabe kiss?"
She twitched an ear. "Mandalorian greeting between two people in armor, or a vicious attack move."
She does know. "Is that why you keep doing that?"
A tired smile. "In addition to acting like a cat for most of my childhood, I've now literally got cat in me since I'm an Alphian. It's wormed its way into my mannerisms, and cats like to head bump to show affection."
"Ah." He paused. They really needed to get moving, or the others would double back for them. "Think you and Cross will be ok?"
"For the next day or so?" Shadow shook her head. "Hard to tell. He's a touchy twig, and I have no idea if he even remembers what happened yet so a damage assessment is out. I'd ask him, but I know better. It could easily backfire, especially since he wasn't in his right mind which means he'd never tell me otherwise."
Hunter's heart twisted at the pain in her words and he rested a comforting hand on her cheek.
Leaning into it, Shadow gave him another tired smile. "Did Trevor say anything else that could give a clue?"
"Only that he'd been upgraded."
Ears flattened. "Well I don't like the sound of that."
"Isn't he your character? Wouldn't you know?"
"The more I'm around him, the more I question if that is actually the case or if he's like... an alternate me. Or a part of me that split. He's got more agency than any of my characters, shy of a god."
"About that."
"What?"
"He... when he vanished he left behind the smell of the ocean. Which I have only seen with Maxolyn."
Shadow groaned. "If that fucker upgraded himself to demi-god I swear."
"He also glowed... green? Like... it was inside him." Hunter tapped his chest right below his collarbone. "Mainly here."
"That's... oh grand."
"What?"
"So, this is just a theory but uh... Yeah." A dry laugh. "He's definitely upgraded himself."
"What does the green mean?"
"In all likelihood... a Rageryan goddess, Vivvik, whose power is associated with green and lightning."
Hunter scrambled to arrange his thoughts. "Are you saying this man, your character, made himself the child of two deities?"
"Looks like it." Shadow sighed and waved her hand about. "Which could mean... anything."
I did not sign up for this when I accepted the mission... "What does Vivvik control?"
"She's the Rageryan goddess of trickery."
Of course she is. "That is not comforting."
"You're tellin' me."
Well... couldn't really do anything about that now... "At any rate... I'm glad to see you smilin' again, Ice. Even a little."
"Oh I still hurt. But this ain't the first time this has happened. Recovered last time. At least now I'm not without a good support group," she said, attempting a weak smile.
Hunter chuckled softly and hugged her, head tucked under her chin. "Not at all, Icy. We're here for you. All of us. Even Crosshair. He cares too much to turn his back, I promise."
Resting her cheek on his head, she returned the hug. "I trust you Hunter. And him. Now." She leaned back and flashed one of those signature grins at him. "Let's go get those coordinates."
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Something was wrong with Shadow. She shouldn't be this reserved! She looked better than she had, but ever since she and Hunter had caught up with them, she'd been silent.
This had happened before...
After the riverside incident.
Had Crosshair done something to her again? No, she and he would have been spewing venom at each other. They were dead silent now, that easy companionship from before noticeably missing. An unspoken disease had taken its place.
But whether that was from anger, hurt, confusion, or something else entirely...
Wrecker did not know. The sniper refused to talk when Wrecker asked him about it, so the demolition expert was left to ponder the cause.
What he did know, however, was that their Squeaky was sad. Or upset at the very least.
Crosshair preferred to be alone when upset, Wrecker knew this, but Shadow seemed to prefer someone nearby.
Namely, him.
Moving to her side as they walked through the winding tunnels, he reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder.
She twitched under his touch but grabbed his hand when he began to move away.
Squeezing comfortingly, Wrecker risked interlocking their fingers. When Shadow didn't pull free, he squeezed again and rubbed his thumb over her hand. With Crosshair nearby, he didn't want to say something that could agitate the wound. Besides, he was well aware that words weren't his strong suit. Talking could make Shadow feel worse.
And he didn't want that!
Her tail flicked against his leg before coming up and curling around his wrist.
Warmth spread through his chest. His gesture was accepted! Shadow felt better! Even if it was a tiny bit, he would take it.
"Shadow," Tech began, coming to her other side.
Don't agitate her!
If he was bad with words, Tech was worse.
"Do you know how close we are to the Vault?"
Oh. Distraction. That was smart!
"Well," Shadow began, twitching her tufted ears. "Not sure. Gotta get outta this tunnel system and up around the side of the mountain. I think?"
"We'll keep goin' until we make it," Crosshair muttered, more hesitation in his voice than Wrecker had heard in a long time.
What had happened between them?
Wrecker wished he had stayed back with Hunter, as he was 100% sure the sergeant asked her about the tunnel. Probably got a response too; Shadow was more likely to talk when alone with one of them. Being with all of them no doubt got overwhelming especially since she was an introvert.
Shadow glanced over her shoulder, tail slipping from Wrecker's wrist. Ears twitching, she flicked her tail against Crosshair's hand.
In return, Crosshair took hold and let it slide through his fingers.
Well... at least whatever happened between them hadn't completely shattered their relationship.
They were still friends.
Which meant there was still hope to mend whatever rift had opened between them.
They just needed time.
But what could have happened to cause such a change? They were doing so well!
Cross had not only let Shadow see him cry, but felt safe enough around her to cry on her shoulder and even plead with her to stay close to him.
That wasn't something that Crosshair would forget.
Nor would Shadow.
Nor would Wrecker. Few people even attempted to reach out to Crosshair like she had. Even fewer had been accepted by the grouchy and closed-off sniper. But to have Crosshair let Shadow see him at one of his most vulnerable states?
Wrecker wasn't worried.
Both Shadow and Crosshair had forged a bond too deep to be easily broken. Fractured, perhaps, but not completely shattered.
They would be fine.
At least... he hoped so.
He loved Shadow, loved her with all of his heart, but there was still an inherent unpredictability ably to her and a risk of emotional curve balls. A chaotic nature was exciting, he wouldn't deny that, yet he wasn't so stupid as to not acknowledge the danger it posed.
Especially with Crosshair.
Wrecker knew his brother. His batchmate.
Crosshair did not like unknown variables.
But Crosshair did like Shadow. Whether he would admit it to himself or not, Wrecker could tell he cared deeply for Shadow. And Shadow cared deeply for him.
This storm would pass. Wrecker knew it would.
In the meantime, he would be there for Shadow.
And his batchmate.
Shifting back, Wrecker wrapped an arm around Crosshair's shoulders and drug him to his side.
Crosshair growled and shoved at him, but didn't fight to get away. No, if anything he leaned into him.
His gesture had been accepted by both hurting teammates!
Grinning under his helmet, he pulled Shadow to his side as well. Walking was awkward, but he didn't mind.
As long as he kept those he cared about close to him, he'd handle any awkwardness the situation threw at him.
Crosshair grumbled, but still didn't fight to escape.
"Big ol' teddy, ain't he, Twiggs?" Shadow said, a soft laugh accompanying her words.
Hesitation, then a scoff. "Don't know the half of it, Furball," Crosshair muttered.
Yes.
They would be just fine.
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
At least Crosshair didn't completely hate me.
If he even remembered what happened.
But that was fine.
What happened in the cave hadn't destroyed our friendship. Just strained it.
But I could work with that.
We could work with that.
At least, unlike in the past, I wouldn't be alone trying to mend it.
Hunter knew about it. Wrecker certainly guessed something had happened. Tech also picked up the change in behavior. And Crosshair...
Well more and more I was wondering if he did in fact remember.
If he did...
Well at least he was still asleep when I moved away from him to give him space.
I could only imagine how badly he may take that.
A cold gust blew my way, yanking me out of my thoughts and making my tail poof.
"Burr!" I hissed, huddling closer to Wrecker. "Must be gettin' close to an exit."
"Good. Want to get out of this pit," Crosshair remarked.
"Yeah, same, but..." A thought crossed my mind. "Hang on. There's snow and I ain't gettin' frostbite."
"We have gloves-"
"No need," I said, slipping out from under Wrecker's arm and jogging in front. "Techie, ready to see another one of my forms?"
The engineer nodded eagerly, flipping down his visor.
Tossing my bag to a confused Hunter, I took a few steps back and concentrated on shifting into Alpha form.
Time to go full furry!
When I opened my eyes, I grinned at the Batcher's wide eyes. "Well?" I chuckled, spreading my arms. "Whatcha think?"
"You're fluffy!" Wrecker gasped.
"And tall," Hunter stammered, looking up at me.
"She is approximately fifteen centimeters taller than you now," Tech relayed.
Hunter's shoulders hunched and I had no doubt that a scowl lurked under that painted helmet..
I grinned, displaying my saber teeth. "And probably twice as strong," I teased, flexing my arm.
"Battle form! Love it!" Wrecker laughed, punching my shoulder.
Spinning and smacking him with my tail, sending him into the wall, I laughed as well. "Aye! Just not for high temperature environments."
"But perfect for frigid or snowy ones," Tech chirped, circling me. "You said this subspecies of Kelusine inhabits mountainous areas?"
"Yep."
"And this tail is for balance while running at high speeds in high elevations?"
"Also yes."
Tech stopped in front of me. "Are you familiar with the planets Hoth and Orto Plutonia?"
I nodded. "Orto Plutonian was the site of a political rift earlier in the war with Pantorans and the Talz. The chairman, Cho what's his face, died as a result of his arrogance." I sighed. "501st lost a lot of men that mission thanks to him."
"How'd you know all that?" Tech asked, surprised.
"There were... one or two episodes dedicated to that in Season One of the Clone Wars show."
"How do you know Hoth?"
"Movie."
"How many planets did you see thanks to the show?"
"There's a couple of shows and movies. Main planets I remember are Coruscant, Tatooine, Hoth, Dagoba, Lothal, Mustafar, Jakku, Scariff, Kamino, Rodia, Teth, Geonosis, Orto Plutonia, Lola Sayu, Onderon, Christophsis, Florum, Vancor, Toydaria, Ryloth, Rishi Moon, Naboo, Nal Hutta, Malastare, Mandalore, Dathomir... and some others I forgot the names of."
"You've seen Dathomir?!" Tech exclaimed. "What's it like?"
"Creepy and red."
"Dang, Squeak! You've seen more planets than us!" Wrecker said.
"Wait, Malastare?"
"Yep. The Zillobeast incident."
"I cannot believe they killed the last of a species!" Tech fumed. "And why did they bring it to Coruscant? Didn't they know the danger?"
"Think Palps was counting on it," I muttered, fur bristling. "Did the whole 'impenetrable armor' idea ever pan out?"
"Not to my knowledge."
"Crusty fucker," I spat. "Just did it for the carnage."" I clenched my fists. "Oooo, I wanna punch somethin' now!"
A growl from outside the tunnel caught my attention. Was that?
Oh I hoped it was.
Rushing outside, leaving the Bad Batch rather confused, I skid to a halt in the snow.
There, ahead on the trail, was my nemesis.
Frost Troll.
Fur bushed out and bristing in uncontainable fury, I no doubt looked twice my usual size. Markings blazing to life and thorns erupting all around me, I bared my teeth in a harsh snarl as the bastard looked my way.
So you have chosen... death.
"That a Wampa!?"
"Not quite. I do not know this species."
"Doesn't matter, we can just gun it down. Right Shadow?" A pause. "Shadow?"
I grabbed a large boulder and hoisted it over my head. "For Narnia, you long-armed shaggy bastard!"
Launching it at the troll, knocking it over, I snatched the sabers off my belt and charged forward with a roar. Igniting the crimson blades, I jumped and slammed a foot into the beast's midsection. Cackling with sadistic delight as it collapsed again, I loomed over it and drove my blades down, piercing pale flesh and pale fur. I quickly switched them off before grabbing the troll, lifting it over my head, and yeeting it off the edge of the cliff.
I shook my fist at it as it fell. "That's for level three Shadow, bitch!" Taking a deep breath, dusting myself off, I smiled and clapped my hands as I turned back to the batch. "Where were we?"
The men stood staring at me, and while I could only see Tech's wide eyes I had no doubt the others bore similar expressions.
"Er... what the kark was that about?" Crosshair said, gesturing at the rock behind me before sweeping his hand to the side to indicate the cliff.
"Oh, just a wee grudge, no need to fret!"
"That smile suggests otherwise," Hunter remarked, walking over to me.
"I don't wanna hear anything from you, Shaggy, on sadistic smiles," I snorted, shoving him as the other Batchers joined us.
"That was awesome, Squeaky!" Wrecker laughed. "You really are strong!"
"There's a reason I like playin' the Tank in games!"
"Thought you went long range?" Hunter asked.
"Both. Ambush is my go-to. Use enough sneak to get close, then take them the fuck out. Or, if I'm feeling aggro that day, I go by the Russian Stealth mantra."
"The... what?"
"No one will notice... if there is no one to notice."
"Great. Now I got two fighters like that on my hands," Hunter sighed, glaring at Wrecker as the demolition expert laughed some more.
"Just adds to the Magic, Sarge! And speaking of magic." I pointed to a cave entrance a short hike up the trail. "There's the Vault."