Well.
It is here. It has arrived.
It's... really weird to finally post this. I've been hinting at it since... a year or more ago. I posted the original version of this back in May of 2020. That's... jeez over a year and a half ago. Since then, the chapter has definitely mutated into something far far worse than it originally was. At least emotionally. Physical gore is pretty much the same. Not that it makes it any easier for y'all lol.
I'm posting this a day early to avoid hitting y'all with this on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, I'll be posting the remastered OtRtTW chapters 1-22 on Tumblr (shadowsstorystuff) to make up for this so keep watch over there!
Crosshair... oh man you messed up B A D.
Trigger Warning: Abandonment trauma, ghosting anxiety, broken hearts, near catastrophic insults, heavy heavy angst. Seriously guys, brace yourself its gonna hurt. I actually had nightmares because I wrote this too close to sleep and it mucked up my mental state.
Time really was funny on this damn planet.
I thought it would already be dark when we escaped the mine tunnels, since we had to take a new route that spit us out halfway up the mountainside, but apparently not.
However, by the time we made it down the side of the mountain the sun had begun to dip behind the trees. Which left us in relative darkness as we crept back to the trail shelter. Between my natural night vision and the artificial night vision in each of the Bad Batcher's helmets, that wasn't a visual issue. But it did make for rather perfect ambush conditions for the droids.
On high alert for droids, I offered to scout ahead in another form. At the very least, it would let my brain focus on something other than that damn premonition.
What... was that? What the hell was up with Crosshair in it?
The longer Crosshair went without speaking, the more worried I became.
Whatever was coming definitely centered around him and me, which was... less than comforting. I'd been in one too many 'character development' catastrophes with him and I was sick to the back teeth of it.
Could he and I go one day without a disaster?
First the stream, then the nightmare, then the commando droid attack, then the damn cave gas...
Give me a break, damnit!
The only silver lining to it all was at least the painful episodes had really good trust building afterwards.
But that didn't give me any comfort about what was to come.
Seekin' out tinnies is far better than being stuck in this downward spiral.
However, my offer to scout ahead was denied.
"No, Ice. You're our only link to the planet now. Without you we have nothin'," Hunter said with a shake of his head.
No... no no I gotta get my mind off this!
"I'll be careful," I said.
"Since when?" came the sniper's sharp rely.
My ears flattened. "Cross-"
"No, we aren't lettin' you out of our sight for the rest of this mission, and that's final!"
Ouch...
Even Wrecker flinched at the snarl. "Squeak, it probably is better for you to stick with us."
Great. Now they all hated me.
Watch it. Catch that thought before you enter another damn spiral.
But oh... was it hard...
They just... were looking out for me.
That was it.
They just wanted what was best for me.
Since when has that helped us in the past?
Fair point...
Whenever anyone did anything because they thought it was "best for me"...I got hurt.
Scarred.
And, in extreme cases...
Deep rooted fear of abandonment surged to life, twisting my stomach in knots and freezing the breath in my lungs.
What if they thought I was too much trouble?
What if I was no longer worth it to them?
What if... to protect me...
They left me behind?
Ghosted me...
"Ice?" Hunter asked worriedly, nudging me.
All too aware of my heart trying to crawl up my throat as horrible memories of pain and agony flashed through my mind, I shook my head. "Fine. I'm fine."
I thought I heard a "Typical" hissed from Crosshair's helmet, but I couldn't be sure.
Didn't want to be sure.
I was already teetering on a very dangerous ledge, the slightest gust of wind able to knock me off.
And the bottom looked none too soft.
"Squeaky?" Wrecker said, coming to my side.
"What?" I mumbled.
"That Ancient called you 'they'. Should we call you that instead of 'she'?"
I flicked my ears. "I'm genderfluid, admittedly, so any work. But they/them is preferred."
"I'll call you that then," Wrecker said, patting my shoulder.
I flicked my tail against his leg. "Thanks..."
"We all will," Hunter added, resting his hand on my other shoulder.
My tail swished to his leg. "Appreciate it."
Now please stop talking before you accidentally hit a nerve.
The rest of the journey to the trail shelter, thankfully, passed without incident. With exhaustion, hunger, and worn nerves group wide, any incident was sure to erupt violently.
"I can heat up the leftovers for dinner," I offered, slipping my bag off my shoulder.
Would at least solve the hunger issue.
Wrecker began to speak, but Hunter cut him off. "No, not yet. Ice, I need to talk to the boys alone for a minute, alright?"
Fear shot through me.
Was this it? Were they finally going to discuss offloading me?
Was this the moment where I finally got ghosted?
Hunter gripped my arms with both hands. "It's nothing bad, I promise," he swore, squeezing tightly. Hand shifting to my cheek, he offered a reassuring smile. "We'll be right back."
Ears twitching back, I took his hand in mine. "Alright."
I hated the way my voice shook.
He smiled once more, giving me a nod, before turning away and beckoning the others to follow him.
"Be right back, Squeak!" Wrecker said, hugging me on his way past.
I said nothing, watching them leave with sickening dread churning my stomach and sending my heart into my throat.
They're just going to talk.
It's just a talk.
Just... a talk.
But... how many times before had a talk ended in me getting ghosted?
Left behind?
Abandoned?
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't fucking do it.
Wiping my sweaty palms on my shorts, I took a deep breath and crept after them.
If only I'd listened to my conscience.
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Damn them.
Damn them!
Why did they always have to sacrifice themselves instead of working with them as a team?
They... they never listened!
White hot anger and pain still raged deep within Crosshair's chest, tightening his throat.
They...
They just didn't care.
About themselves, about the squad, about...
Him.
Every soft touch, every affectionate gesture between his brothers and Shadow...
Deeper and deeper it drove the knife, twisting as it savagely tore through his heart.
"Just get up! It can't be that hard!"
A silent snarl curled his lip.
Not that hard? Really, Shadow? You think that little of me?
He couldn't blame her-them. Couldn't blame them for not caring.
How could they care about him after all he'd done to them?
Threats. Insults. Harsh words.
Spoken without the slightest thought to the recipient...
He shook his head violently as the burning in his throat renewed itself without remorse, tears stinging his eyes.
Stop.
He had to stop thinking about them.
Just a little longer.
Then... then he wouldn't...
The thought of Shadow leaving them tore his heart in two, but the thought of them staying...
The constant reminder that he would never matter to them like his brothers did...
That they didn't care for him like he cared for them...
"Should be out of earshot," Hunter said, gesturing for them to all stop.
"What's this about?" Tech asked. "Why are we leaving Shadow to discuss whatever this is?"
"Because it concerns them," Hunter replied. Taking off his helmet, he slipped off his bandana and ran his hand through his hair. Sighing, he began, "Fellas, I've been doin' some thinkin'..."
"About what?" Tech asked as he and Wrecker also slipped off their helmets.
Crosshair, barely holding tears at bay, kept his helmet on.
He couldn't let them see.
Couldn't let them know.
"Shadow. The mission," Hunter answered Tech.
"What about them?" Tech asked.
Wrecker gasped. "Oh! Are you goin' to ask 'em to stay with us?!"
Crosshair's head snapped up.
No!
No!
Seeing their love for their brothers day after day after day...
Seeing Shadow always sacrifice themselves without even allowing them to try to help...
Panic welled in his throat, quickening his breath and sending his heart pounding against his ribs. Sweat trickling down the back his his neck, the sniper fought to keep his terror from showing.
Especially when Hunter confirmed Wrecker's question.
"Yeah. Think we're all in agreement that leavin' them behind would hurt both parties more than words could say-"
Crosshair couldn't stop himself. "No she'd... they'd only distract us. Slow us down. They aren't a good match. We... we can't take them with us..."
Stall. Or stop.
He had to...
Them staying...
The pain.
The reminders.
"Just get up!"
He couldn't!
He had to stop this!
His brothers looked at him with shock and even a bit of horror.
"Crosshair, how can you say that?" Hunter exclaimed. "After everything they've done for you?"
Done for him?
Done for him?
They would die for him!
He couldn't live with that!
"It... doesn't matter."
It mattered.
It mattered so much.
Too much.
"Doesn't matter?" Wrecker gasped. "You can't mean that! Shadow-"
"Don't say it!" he snarled, fighting to keep the tears in.
Tears of panic, terror, fear, dread, pain...
"You would throw away everything they've done for you?" Tech demanded.
"It doesn't matter!" Crosshair screamed. "They're-"
He looked up and his blood ran cold as the air froze in his lungs.
No...
"There."
At his look of horror, his brothers whipped around.
"Shadow!"
The look on Shadow's face ripped a hole in his chest, stealing his breath.
No.
No no no!
They heard him!
They heard him say...
Oh gods.
Their weakpoint.
The river.
The tears.
The...
NO!
Ignoring the others, Shadow took a step back as they stared at him.
If he knew they were...
Why had they followed? They weren't supposed to follow!
They weren't supposed to hear him!
Betrayal shifting to agonized fury, Shadow shook their head at him and fled into the woods.
No! Shadow, I'm sorry! I take it back! I didn't mean it! NO!
As he tried to run after them, Hunter snarled and body-slammed him, sending him to the ground.
Crosshair's helmet flew off as he hit the dirt, but he had no chance to grab for it as Hunter lunged at him again.
"How could you say those things?!" Hunter demanded, teeth bared and eyes blazing with rage as he aimed a fist at Crosshair's face. "How could you do that to them!?"
"Because I fucked up!" Crosshair screamed, barely managing to dodge another punch. Backing against a tree as his brothers surrounded him, something broke inside and the words began to rush out. "In that damn cave, we both got high thanks to cave gas and I told them! I told them my feelings! And they didn't return them! When I said I fell for them, they just laughed and told me to get back up! When I woke up, they were asleep on my chest and you know what they did the moment they woke up?" Tears trickled down his cheeks. "They moved away! Then they deny and won't even mention what I told them! They don't care about me!" His voice broke. "Not like I care about her."
"Don't care about you?" Tech repeated in disbelief, eyes wild with fury. "Di'kut shabuir! They were high and not in their right mind! You think they'd be processing information the correct way?!"
"They've been agonizing over you not liking them that way for two days!" Wrecker added, eyes also alight with rage as he looked seconds from smashing a hole in the nearest boulder.
"They didn't bring it up because they were protecting you!" Hunter snarled, entire body shaking. "They told me what happened and you know what they said when I asked if you two were going to get together? They begged me to not say anything because they knew you wouldn't confess unless you were not thinking straight!"
In that moment, everything shattered.
No.
No no no no no!
All those softer moments... all the times they'd given him chance after chance after chance after chance...
They cared about him the entire time.
And he'd just told them they were nothing but a burden to him.
Horrified, Crosshair croaked, "They... they care?"
"Not now! They just heard you suggest ghosting them because they're a liability! One of their worst fears!" Tech spat.
Then through the trees came a sound that would haunt him the rest of his life.
The scream of a broken heart.
No!
I never meant for this to happen!
Shadow, I'm sorry!
Staggering to his feet, he began to run after Shadow only for Hunter to shove him back down.
"Haven't you hurt them enough?!" the sergeant hissed as Wrecker and Tech ran past them after Shadow. "Now we have to pick up the pieces of your mistake once again and even then, they'll probably never trust you again! You've gone too far!"
He had.
He really had.
And, now...
He was going to lose Shadow forever.
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
He went there...
He actually went there.
The... the one place...
"They aren't a good match."
"They'd only distract us."
"Slow us down."
Be a burden.
Collapsing by a tree, pain searing my throat and sending rivers down my cheeks, I hugged myself and screamed.
No words.
No coherent thought.
Nothing but raw agony and years of trauma resurfacing in a broken howl.
I couldn't think. Couldn't speak. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't even stand.
Hands shaking as tears continued to race down my cheeks, carving paths in the fine layer of dirt and grime, I screamed again. Above the tortured wail, screams echoed through the trees.
"Shadow!"
Staggering to my feet, tears blurring my vision, I raced deeper into the dark woods.
I didn't want them to find me.
Didn't want that black tongued, heartless liar to find me.
He knew!
He knew what it was like! Knew the pain born from years of trauma where enough was never enough.
No matter what you did...
No matter what you sacrificed...
It wasn't enough.
Would never be enough.
The land disappeared from under my feet and I crashed down a hill. Over jagged rocks and sharpened branches, no cut or gash could even hope to match the pain in my heart.
Stopping at the bottom, I shakily pushed myself onto my hands and knees. Ignoring the deep cut on my arm, right where Crosshair had bandaged me hours before, I ran once more.
Where to or how far, I did not know.
All I knew was I needed to get away from...
Him.
Throat raw and limbs trembling as my head pounded and stomach twisted into horrible knots, I finally came to a stop beneath a rocky overhang reaching halfway under the hillside. Stumbling underneath, I huddled in the corner and pulled my knees to my chest.
Fresh tears spilling from my eyes, I grit my teeth as another wave of agony crashed over me. "You're not a clown, you're the entire fuckin' circus! How could you be so stupid?!"
This was my fault.
All my fucking fault.
My already weak grip on sanity slipped and I sobbed uncontrollably.
I was always the odd one out. Always the one cut to shed some dead weight. Always the last to be picked, but always the first to go.
Always the one left behind.
I should have known better.
Shouldn't have let that damn puppy love blind me to what Crosshair was.
A soldier.
A killer.
Hardened by war and intense training.
Driven to do whatever it took to finish his mission.
He didn't care about me...
But who would?
I just caused him pain. Only annoyed him.
I would leave me behind too...
"Shadow!"
Hunter.
That fucking bloodhound!
Didn't hear his brother?
Didn't he know I was just a burden?
Know I wasn't worth coming after?
I said nothing, claws digging into my legs as I clenched my teeth to withhold another scream.
Go away! I'm not worth your concern. Didn't you hear Crosshair?!
"Shadow!"
Above me.
He was on the ridge above me.
"Ice, please! Where are you?"
I didn't answer.
Couldn't answer.
All that would leave my throat if I tried was a broken sob.
Leaves and sand showered the overhang entrance before Hunter dropped down into view, eyes panicked. "Shadow!"
"Get back!" I spat, uncurling as I prepared to run again.
Hunter shook his head and came closer. "I-"
I slashed at his outstretched hands before backing further into the cave. "Take the fucking hint, you damn commando! Leave me alone!"
Pain spreading across his face, he tried to get closer again. "I can't leave you like this. I'd never forgive myself."
"Didn't you hear Crosshair? I'm just slowin' you down!"
"He does not speak for me," Hunter said. "And I will never leave you."
"Yes, you would!" I spat. "If you thought it was best for me, you would leave in a heartbeat! All of you would!"
"If I left you, for any reason," Hunter swore. "I'd hate myself until the day I died."
How heartfelt could such a vow be from a man who'd known me less than a week?
I just glared at him, lower lip quivering as I choked down another sob. When the image of him blurred from tears, I just hissed and retreated back into my corner.
Hunter crawled underneath with me, but didn't risk getting closer when I snarled at him. Instead, he sat a few feet from me.
"Where's your squad?" I spat.
"Not comin' this way. Sent 'em back."
A broken, mocking laugh slipped from me. "They really gave up so easily, huh?"
"You know Wrecker would die for you in a heartbeat," Hunter said sternly. "Do not insult them because you're hurt."
I said nothing, venomous hatred flowing through me since I had to acknowledge he was right.
So one person cares. Big deal.
Some other, more rational part of my brain knew it was more than one but...
One voice was easily drowned out by thousands more.
"Shadow-"
"It's never enough, is it?" I snarled, tail lashing. "I try, and I try, and I try! Again and again and again! But it is never enough for that damn sniper. Never!"
"He... He went through some pretty hard stuff as a cadet-"
"I don't give a fuck what he went through!" I hissed, markings flickering as the ground rumbled beneath us. "He is a grown man! He chooses to act like that! He chooses to be a heartless, stone cold asshole!"
"Shadow, you don't mean that."
"Want to fuckin' bet?" I snapped, sulfur hitting my nose as the ground beneath me grew hot. "How could you even know? You've known me all of four days!"
Hunter uneasily eyed the now reddish glow coming from beneath us, yet he remained beside me. "Because you are far kinder than you want people to believe."
"Yeah? Well, even the kindest people have their breakin' points. And Crosshair just pushed me past mine. No appreciation. No thank you. No respect. Nothing!" I laughed mockingly, a fissure opening up between us with a hiss and puff of steam. "But of course he's distant, he's a sniper! That's the only thing he's even good at!"
"Now hold on just a minute," Hunter started, voice turning sharp. "I know you're hurt and rightfully so, but I will not stand here and let you attack my brother-"
"Then leave!" I hissed, arching my back as my tail violently lashed from side to side and another fissure cracked open between us. "Go on, get out of here!"
He shook his head. "I told you, I'm not going back without you."
"Didn't you hear your brother? I'm nothing but a burden and a liability. Just someone to use then leave behind once they've-"
Without warning, the sergeant lunged forward across the cracks and yanked me across into a tight hug.
Caught off guard, I snarled and tried to twist out of the iron grip. Yet even when pale scrapes covered his armor and a glancing blow ripped his blacks near his throat, he continued to hold me tightly.
Eventually, as the snarls tapered into sobs, my strikes faltered and I fell limp against Hunter's armored chest.
Scooping me into his lap, Hunter shuffled back against the wall and curled himself around me. Hand tenderly resting on the back of my head, he held me close. "Sshhh... I'm here. I got you."
For how long?
How long until he decided to leave me behind too?
"Hey," he barked softly. Leaning back, he cupped my cheek. "Look at me. Shadow, look at me."
Sniffling, throat sore and fatigue gripping me with merciless claws, I held his gaze the best I could.
"I will never abandon you. Understand? Never."
My ears flat against my skull, I choked down another sob. "You're just-"
"I don't talk to hear myself talk, and I don't make promises I can't keep." His gaze softened. "You know I care about you. Care deeply about you. How could I ever walk away?"
"I..." My voice broke and my gaze dropped to the flurry of pale marks on his chestplate. "I thought the same before."
He lifted my chin. "I'm not them. I'm Sergeant Hunter, and I give you my word. I will never leave you behind." His eyes searched mine. "You believe me? Or will you call me a liar to my face?"
Fresh tears racing down my face once again, I just buried my face into his neck as sobs shook my body once more.
"I'm here, Shadow." He hugged me tightly. "And I'm not goin' anywhere without you by my side."
Could I believe him?
I wanted to.
I desperately wanted to.
Wanted this all just to be some... some bad dream that I'd wake up from any minute.
The Vault. The premonition. The...
Crosshair's...
Those words...
If only I could be so lucky.
Instead I was stuck here, trapped in a whirlpool of betrayal and sheer agony. Trapped with Crosshair's words constantly echoing in my ears as over a decade of emotional trauma, too many cases to count, drove them deeper and deeper into my shattered heart.
Oh how I wished I could wake up.
Hunter's comm crackled to life.
"Sarge? Sarge, do you have Squeaky? Are they alright? Are they safe?" came Wrecker's panicked voice, a tremor to his words and breath.
Hunter looked down at me. "Shadow?" he asked gently. "He's really worried about you..."
Reaching to the gauntlet, my hand trembling, I pressed the button. "Here, Wreck."
Hellfire, I sounded like shit.
"Squeaky! Oh gods, are you ok? Where are you?"
Am I ok?
Did he really just ask that?
"They're safe," Hunter answered, wrapping his arms tighter around me.
"Squeaky, please come back. I'm worried sick about ya!"
"I am worried as well!" Tech added.
And what about that damn sniper?
"We heard you screamin'! Can... can we at least come see ya? I'm scared for ya, Squeak!"
Oh Wrecker...
Hunter looked at me and tilted his head in a silent "You ready?"
I dropped my gaze but just nodded.
"We're comin' back," Hunter answered before switching his comm back off. Shifting beneath me, he gently nuzzled my forehead. "Ready?"
No.
No, I didn't want to go back.
Go back and face...
Him.
But I just nodded, preparing to crawl out of his lap.
However, the sergeant held me tighter and shook his head before wriggling out from under the ledge with me in his arms. Reaching the outer edge, he adjusted his grip on me and stood up.
Was he... planning to carry me back?
"Hunter-"
"Sshh. Just take some deep breaths and rest. I've got you."
"I can shift down-"
"I can hold you with no issue, cyar'ika," Hunter assured me. His eyes softened. "Allow me to help you."
"Why can't you let us in?!"
Burying my face in Hunter's neck before he could see the fresh tears in my eyes as Crosshair's scream from the Vault echoed in my ears, I just nodded.
Despite being bigger than him with the added weight of a five foot muscular tail, Hunter never once stumbled with me in his arms. Normally, that would downright impress me and possibly even send my thoughts down another avenue. But... now?
All I felt was a hollowness in my chest and a bone deep weariness that threatened to drag me down to slumberland.
"Squeaky!"
My ear twitched at Wrecker's yell, but other than that I didn't lift my head from Hunter's shoulder.
I couldn't.
Heavy footsteps rapidly approached. "Dank farrik, Squeak, I've been worried sick about ya! Are you-"
I weakly shook my head, still lacking the energy to even lift it.
Strong arms slipped around me, devoid of armor, and scooped me into a warm chest. "I gotcha, Squeak. Wrecker's gotcha."
Wrapping my arms tightly around his shoulders, I buried my face into his blacks. Gritting my teeth to suppress a sob, a whine slipped out instead.
"I'm here. Right here." Carrying me back to the shelter, he ducked into the lower area and sat against the wall.
I noted the crackle and warmth of a small fire, but I still couldn't raise my head.
"Shadow?" Tech asked timidly, sitting beside us. "Shadow, are... How are you feeling?"
I just huffed, not bothering to even lift my head.
A hand rested uncertainly on my shoulder. When I didn't immediately shrug him off, Tech began to rub slow circles.
"Wanna lay down, Squeak?" Wrecker asked.
Tech began to correct him. "It's lie down-"
"Not now," Wrecker growled, the sound vibrating against my cheek.
For once, Tech didn't continue the argument.
"Down," I mumbled.
Both commandos helped me arrange myself into a more or less comfortable position, Tech laying in front of me and Wrecker lying between me and the fire at my back.
Wrecker shifted closer and curled around my back, resting his arm over me. "Not goin' anywhere, Squeak."
Sympathy in those soft brown eyes, Tech reached for my hand. "We're here for you."
I didn't reply, but allowed Tech to intertwine his fingers in mine.
Thumb stroking over my own, Tech gave me a reassuring smile.
I just curled my tail around his ankle and closed my eyes.
He wasn't here.
That... that traitor.
Fine.
Fine by me.
Let the droids get him.
No... let him live.
Live with the guilt of what he did following him to the grave.
Maybe then he'd finally feel some semblance of the hell he just put me through.
"Not turnin' on you, furball. I promise."
Liar.
"You amaze me with your fire and spirit. Your wit. Your skill and bravery in battle. The way you refuse to give up on anything or anyone."
That liar.
"I haven't been able to stop thinkin' about you from the moment I met you."
That fucking liar.
"And you can make a difference... have made a difference."
All the things he said.
"To me."
All... all my effort...
"You haven't given up even when I've been an ass."
Wasted.
"And that means more to me than I can ever say."
For nothing.
Soft, hesitant footsteps approached.
"Sh... Shadow?"
A dagger embedded itself into my heart at Crosshair's voice.
"S-Shadow." He knelt by my head. "I-"
A harsh snarl ripped from my throat as his hand rested on my shoulder. Ripping myself from Wrecker's arms, I slashed towards the sniper's face.
Jerking back, Crosshair stumbled into the wall and sat down hard.
I didn't care about his look of horror.
I didn't care about the tears in his own eyes.
He did this to me.
He caused this.
He betrayed me.
Let him see what he'd done.
Teeth bared as markings blazed to life and the earth trembled beneath us, I lashed my tail. "Don't fucking touch me. Your eyes are my next target, you fucking-"
I caught it.
I caught that word before it could leave my mouth.
That... that damning word.
REJECT.
I'd... I'd hurt Wrecker.
And Tech.
And Hunter.
And...
I hated Crosshair. I hated what he'd done, what he'd said, how he lied...
But even in the blindest rage, I could never call someone else that.
Not when I carried the burden of the term myself.
I just turned away and huddled in between Wrecker and Tech again as tears spilled from my eyes once again. Wrapping my tail around myself, I tried holding in sobs.
"Good goin', Cross," Wrecker growled as he curled back around me and Tech shifted close.
I didn't pay attention to Crosshair's response.
Didn't know what he said.
Didn't care what he said.
All I wanted was to sleep and escape the living hell I was stuck in.
And, eventually, I did cry myself into unconsciousness.
If only I knew what nightmares awaited me in sleep...