And now, after all that angst, time to rebuild! Of course, sometimes rebuilding can be more painful as you pull out the shrapnel and splinters. But you need to evaluate the wound before you can start healing it.
If it reads a bit chaotically as far as emotions go, that's on purpose since after coming down from an emotional rollercoaster such as TS things would be confusing. Hope you enjoy it though! :D

Also, y'all are lucky because I am feeling generous so today is a DOUBLE UPLOAD! That's right, the makeup chapter is coming today as well! Figured this angst has tormented y'all long enough :D

CW: Nightmare aftermath, nightmare echoes, broken trust, frayed relationships, mistrust of self, harsh accusations, reflection of a traumatic event.

Audible sobs broke from my throat as I cried into Wrecker's chest. Tears of pain, yet tears of relief.

I was awake. Truly awake. It hadn't been real. Those monsters… they weren't the real Batch. They weren't the men I fell in love with…

Or who had fallen in love with me.

"You… love me?" I choked as I clung to Wrecker.

Wrecker hugged me tighter. "I do, Squeak. I really do." Sitting down, he pulled me into his lap. "Nothing's gonna change that."

"You… you came after me. You broke-" A cough cut me off.

"Not me, Squeaky," Wrecker said firmly, yet I could hear the agony in his voice. "It wasn't me. I love you, and will never hurt you."

"I do, too," Hunter said, now at our side. "Shadow, I love you just the same. I'll never raise my hand against you…"

I pulled back from Wrecker's chest and blinked at him through teary eyes.

I… I almost… I could have… the saber fight…

"Hunter? I- I'm so- I thought… you…"

His hand entangled itself in my hair. "Sshhh. You didn't know." He sat beside us and took my hand. "What happened? Why… why did you attack us?"

"I…" Looking around, my previous actions slammed into me.

Lunging for Crosshair, claws out and ready to tear into his chest.

Trying to bite and crush Wrecker's throat.

Hitting Tech with my paw and sending him flying…

The tree…

"Tech," I croaked, then gasped louder, "Tech! His arm!"

"He doesn't blame you. It's gonna be ok, Squeaky," Wrecker swore.

"But I-"

He lifted my chin before cupping my cheek. "Shadow. You didn't know. He knows you would never turn on him like that unless something was wrong."

I pushed him away, tumbling backwards out of his lap. "You don't get it!" I yelled, ears flat as tears raced down my face. "I could have killed him! And you! All of you!" I hugged myself as a sob tore from my throat. "I could have killed you."

"But you didn't," Hunter said, reaching for me.

I jerked from his touch, still backing away. "Don't make excuses. I should have known. I should have…"

My corpse's words echoed in my ears.

"You caused this! You! It's your fault!"

"I nearly murdered you because I was too stupid to-"

"Enough!" Hunter snapped, grabbing my arm tightly. "You were not stupid. I saw the fear in your eyes. We turned on you, didn't we? We tried to kill you." His voice lowered. "I tried to kill you…"

I kept my eyes on the ground, throat burning as tremors seized my body.

"Shadow," he whispered. "You said I cut you. Where?"

Emotions stealing my ability to speak, I just shook my head and tried to pull away from him.

His grip remained strong. "Please. Tell me." His hand hovered over my stomach before pressing gently against it. "It was here, wasn't it?"

Swallowing another sob, I nodded weakly. "You… your symbol."

"What?"

"You… you c-"

His hand found my cheek, his thumb rubbing a soft circle. "Take your time. Breathe for me, Shadow. In, hold, out."

I shook my head and pulled away from him. "You don't understand-"

"Then help me understand," Hunter urged. "I can only help you if you let me."

Wrecker ventured closer, reaching an arm around my shoulders.

I flinched and stepped back. "Wrecker, don't touch me. I… what if I-"

"You won't. I know you won't," he said, still coming forward.

"I nearly killed you. I nearly-"

"Nearly, not actually," he said, taking hold of my arm. When I didn't shove him away, he tugged me to the ground and gathered me in his lap again. "Just take some breaths. Let me hold you, alright? I won't let you hurt me, promise."

Burying my face into his neck, I hugged him tightly, claws leaving pale marks in his dark armor.

"Sshh, it's ok, Squeaky," he whispered. "Wrecker's got ya."

Unlike the cruel, sadistic taunt from the dream, his voice was warm and gentle.

Soft.

Kind.

This was the real Wrecker.

I whimpered and buried myself into his grip. I could feel the man's rapid heartbeat even through his chest, shaking my entire body, and tried desperately to focus on that. To rid my ears of their cruel taunts, drilling into my head.

The hum of the vibroblade, agonizingly loud in my ears.

My own accusations, eating away at my consciousness like acid.

Wrecker stroked my head with a gentle hand. "I'm here. No bad dreams getting past me."

The rumble of his voice from his chest further soothed my frayed nerves and I wrapped my arms around him tightly. Leaning further into himt, I inhaled deeply and focused once more on that steady heartbeat as it gradually began to slow. His hand ran down my back in a smooth motion, leaving a trail of comforting heat and pressure which I curled into.

A nightmare.

It was just a dream.

Just a bad, horrible, terrible, twisted dream.

His grip wasn't anything like in the nightmare, where it had been so tight I was certain my bones were crushed beneath his large hands. His grip now was still tight, but in a comforting, protective way rather than menacing. A large, warm hand across my back held me against his chest while the other curled around the back of my head. As I snuggled deeper, his arms wrapped tighter and he squeezed gently before the hand at my back rubbed soft circles.

Hunter crouched close by. "Shadow, I won't force you to tell me but-"

"My stomach." I took a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly. "You carved your… your symbol into my stomach. Reopened the scars. Forced me to watch. Tore me apart. Cut me open. Tortured me-"

"Sshhh," he urged, hand now trembling as he rested it on my shoulder. "I would… I never… you don't…" He breathed deeply himself, exhale nearly as shaky as mine. "You know I would never take a blade to you right? Shadow, I'd never hurt you. You know that. You know that right?"

"You did…" was all I could get out without breaking down once more.

"No. No it wasn't me. It wasn't me," he stressed, sounding as if he was trying to convince himself as much as me.

No.

It wasn't him.

It was me.

My own brain did that to me.

Created a monster worse than anything these men could be.

Crosshair's terrified face flashed in front of my eyes and I buried my face deeper into Wrecker's neck with a whimper.

Was that really me? Did I really cause that fear?

"Stop!"

"This isn't you!"

"I know this isn't you!"

My cruel words to him.

"I'm done playin' the part of a lovestruck fool."

"Since when has the sniper kept his promises?"

"And what makes you think you know me?"

Had I really said that? Were those words really my own?

Was a broken heart all it took to turn me into that monster?

"Shadow?" Hunter shook my shoulder, panic lacing his tone. "Shadow!"

"I nearly killed him."

"Shadow-"

I looked up at Wrecker. "I nearly killed your brother. Had you not stopped me…"

"But you didn't. He's still alive."

Yes. He was still alive.

Still alive to remind me what I'd nearly done. Now, every time I looked at him, I would remember that agonized look right before I lunged with intent to maim.

To kill.

"Hunter! Hunter!" Tech's voice pierced the air from Hunter's comm. "Have you found Shadow? Are they alright? Where are you?"

"We have 'em, Tech."

"We've got you, Ice."

Whimpering, I clawed at my head to rid my ears of that menacing purr. I was awake. I was awake! Why couldn't those damn echoes leave me alone!?

"Shadow? Shadow!" Wrecker gasped, grabbing my wrist. "What're you doin'?"

"I can still hear him. Get him out of my head!" I screamed, tears pouring down my cheeks. "Make it stop!"

"Tech, do we have any relaxers?" Hunter asked, frantically trying to stop me from clawing at my head as well.

"Yes! I'll bring them-"

"You can't run, Tech!"

Crosshair's voice.

No.

No!

"Better get to runnin', sweetheart."

"Run, kitty, run!"

"Here, kitty kitty."

A scream exploded from my throat.

"Hang on, Squeak! Hang on!" Wrecker scooped me up in his arms and jumped to his feet before racing through the trees.

Back to the trail shelter.

And…

Him.

Not him. Not him!

Panic tearing into my mind with unrelenting, merciless claws, I could only imagine the harsh words the sniper now had prepared for him. What callous, scathing commentary he now had about my outburst. My mental breakdown.

How would he get revenge on me this time?

"Shadow!"

Crosshair's yell made me flinch and curl harder into Wrecker as I braced for the inevitable insult. The venom.

The hatred.

"Are you ok?"

That… what? Was that it? No insult? Cruel remark? Damning accusation?

"They're ok, right? Tell me they're ok!" he urged Wrecker, keeping pace as the demolition expert continued to run to the shelter.

"The nightmare… really bad… flashbacks," Wrecker wheezed as he ran.

"Oh gods. Sweetheart, I-"

"Shadow!"

Tech shout cut him off.

"Stay there, Tech!" Wrecker yelled back, slowing to a jog before stopping and kneeling down.

"Shadow!" Tech yelled again, voice right by my ear as he grabbed my shoulder. "Shadow, I can help calm you. It's a quick and-"

"They're scared of shots, you'll make it worse!" Crosshair snapped.

Why did he suddenly worry so much about how I felt? Panic and residual terror gave rise to bitterness. So, now he was concerned about hurting me? Now he cared about my well-being?

Too little too late.

"It is not a shot! I know they're scared of them!" Tech snapped back, still gripping my shoulder. "I meant this relaxant pill!"

I risked a glance up, blood draining from my face at the engineer's arm in a makeshift sling.

"T-Tech. I'm so sorry I…"

His eyes turned to me. "Shadow! Are you alright? Did you suffer any injuries?" he asked, sympathy and worry etched into his face as he cupped my cheek.

The Batchers' concern for me only made me feel worse. "D-Did… Your arm?"

He looked down. "I… do believe you broke it, yes."

I dropped my gaze, but found myself eyeing the now bacta covered gashes on his chest. Gashes that I caused.

My eyes turned to my hands, the sight of crusted blood at my fingertips bringing fresh tears to my eyes.

I could have killed him…

Tech laid a hand over mine. "It wasn't your fault. You… you didn't know you were awake." He paused, then, afraid of the answer, he whispered, "Right?"

"Tech," I croaked. More tears streaked down my face as I hugged myself. "I… I'm so sorry."

"What happened?" he asked, huddling as close as he could to me.

"Wait, Tech," Hunter said, catching up to us with my sabers in hand. I must have left them. "Give them the relaxer first, then let them recover."

"Did they tell you?" Tech asked, handing me a pill.

I stared at it, uncertain.

A water bottle hovered at the edge of my view and when I looked up I could see it was Crosshair who offered it.

Unable to meet his gaze, I just took the bottle with a nod and quickly downed the pill. I'd worry about the side effects later; all I wanted now was to stop the damn voices.

"-Their stomach," Hunter was saying. "But that's all I know about…"

"Shadow?" Tech asked, taking my hand. "What happened? Why did you…?"

How?

How could I tell them?

How could I even tell them what they did to me?

But, after everything… they deserved to know.

"You… you killed me…" I croaked, slouching in defeat. "You turned on me. You killed me."

"K… Killed you?" Tech echoed softly.

"It… you…" I swallowed hard. "A game. See if I could really stay out of your hands as you tried to take me down. You taunted me. Mocked me for… actually thinking I meant something to you."

"What?"

The horrified gasp came from Crosshair, but I couldn't look at him.

Couldn't risk sending myself back into that hellscape.

"Shadow… who started this game?" Hunter asked quietly.

I didn't move.

"Shadow-"

"I did." Crosshair's voice barely reached a whisper. "It was me… wasn't it?"

I said nothing, but my silence answered for me.

"This is all my fault," he continued. "I caused this."

"Is he right?" Tech asked. "Did he start the… game?"

"Yes," I croaked. "You hunted me. I tried… I didn't want… you wouldn't… wouldn't let me… you forced me to run. To try and hide. To escape." Chest tightening, I couldn't get enough air. "But you caught me. And… Wrecker… he held me down. Hunter… you cut me. Carved a… a skull. Your skull. Into my stomach. Tech… he covered my mouth, taunting me that… that the more I screamed the worse you'd hurt me."

The men gasped.

Heart thudding against my chest, my eyes grew wide again and markings flaring to life again as my body shook and the ground around us began to quiver. "It's in my head. I can't get it out of my head. It's echoing… the smells… the sounds…"

My flayed, gory corpse flashed across my eyes, hatred in their own bloodshot eyes.

They were coming closer, closer, closer!

"Here, kitty kitty."

"We're not done with this game, Ice."

"Don't look so scared, Squeaky."

"Why don't you trust us?"

Closer!

"Make it stop… make it stop!" Gripping my head tightly, I screamed, "Make it stop!"

Wrecker tensed, arms tightening in a fruitless attempt to console me, before another set of hands grabbed me and pulled me into a second pair of arms. Cradling me against his chest, Hunter hugged me tightly.

"Ice. Ice, sshh. Udesii. Udesii."

Shivering violently, I wrapped my own arms tightly around him and refused to let go. Burying my face into his neck, I grit my teeth as more tears spilled from my eyes.

Reassured that his action had been helpful and hadn't done more damage, Hunter curled his legs around me as Wrecker had done. "Listen. Just listen," he whispered, holding my head close as he rubbed small circles on my back. Continuing to speak soft words of comfort, his strong arms gave a gentle squeeze.

His tender touch and deep, soothing voice, mixing Basic and Mando'a, gradually relaxed me and the ground beneath us stopped quivering. Breathing his scent in deeply, I felt myself slowly melt in his grip.

Maybe it was the meds. Maybe it was him. Maybe it was exhaustion and burnout from it all.

I didn't know.

Didn't care.

I just wanted to relax.

Just wanted this turmoil to end.

"That's it. Udesii."

I huffed out a breath softly, my arms gradually relaxing around him. Resting my forehead against his chest, I swallowed. "I… I don't… I should have know I was awake-"

"Ah ah, don't. Just breathe," Hunter ordered, still rubbing circles on my back.

A low noise came from deep in the sergeant's chest and I realized he was humming. The sound both relaxed me and sent chills down my spine, for I could feel it in my very bones. The hair rose along the back of my neck and along my arms, but I pressed more against his chest.

Despite the chills, I didn't want him to stop; the sound drowned out the nightmare.

The buzz of a knife.

Mocking taunts

Cruel laughs.

My corpse's accusations

My own doubts.

His humming filled my ears and mind, washing away the terror and panic, leaving behind a deep rooted exhaustion that settled into my very bones.

His strong arms shifted, a hand slipping down to cup my cheek. "You're safe now, Shadow."

"Don't… don't stop," I pleaded softly, nudging his chest with my head. "It blocks them out."

"Us?"

I looked up at Tech's soft murmur. The young clone sat with his legs brushing Hunter's between us and Wrecker.

"No," I croaked. "My own torn corpse chased me. Eyes bloodshot, guts spilling across the forest floor as they screamed that this was all my fault."

"They… oh gods. Shadow, I-"

"Let 'em rest." The soft order came from Crosshair. "They've… been through enough."

Wouldn't you know.

His fault.

This whole damn thing was his fault!

It was his words.

His disregard for my own feelings that caused this.

I had nothing to do with this. I gave it my all. Gave him my all.

All my effort.

All my care.

All my…

I opened up to him. Allowed myself to show weakness before this commando sniper.

I was blameless. Innocent in all this.

He was the grand architect of this nightmare. While I didn't mean some of what I said… that I did.

Let him suffer.

Let him grieve.

Then maybe, just maybe, he'd feel some semblance of the hell he put me through.

"Shadow?" Hunter asked, trying to pull my lashing tail back in. "Shadow, are you-"

I pushed him away and wiggled from his grip. "I need to think."

"Shadow-"

"I need to think!" I snarled, glaring at Tech. My stomach twisted violently at the flinch and fearful gaze. "It… I just… I'm sorry. I can't…" Shaking my head, I stumbled to my feet. "Just… I'll be back. I promise. But I can't… I can't risk hurtin' any of you again."

Hunter jumped to his feet and followed quickly. "Ice, it wasn't your fault. You don't have to… don't run again." He took my hand. "Stay. Here. Please, it wasn't your fault."

"No." I stared straight at Crosshair. "It was his."

A soft gasp and tears formed in those dark eyes, but I turned away. Jerking my hand from Hunter's, I headed back into the misty woods.

"Shadow-"

"Tech," I growled as I stopped, not looking behind me. "If you have any respect for me, you'll not take another step."

The young clone halted, a gut wrenching sound of pain ripping from his throat. "H-Hunter!" he pleaded.

"Ice, wait-"

"That warnin' applies to you too, Sergeant."

"Shadow-"

"Let 'em go, Sarge." Wrecker's voice trembled but he continued, "They'll come back. I know they will."

I took a deep breath, barely repressing a sob, before continuing into the forest.

Even when my heart screamed at me to turn around. Turn around and throw myself back into Hunter's arms and pretend it was all just a nightmare. Pretend Crosshair never said those things. Pretend it was all ok. Pretend…

That Crosshair actually cared about me.

Fool me once.

Fool me once…

Special thanks to patrons Jesse and Lil!