Finally, the resolution. For the most part. Things won't be all back to the way it was before, but the wound is bandaged now and we can proceed with the healing 3
If you want mood music, I listened to "Hurricane" by 30 seconds to mars pretty much on loop when writing this ^^
It's another chaotically written chapter and pretty gut wrenching on Crosshair's end. I cried a lot~~
Hope you enjoy!
Cw: Self reflection, self depreciation, angst, emotional turmoil, abandonment fears, ghosting mention, crying, lots of crying, excessive crying
"It's his."
Shadow's snarl repeated nonstop in his head, twisting the knife deeper every time. Further and further into his heart, tearing it open and setting him on fire from the inside out.
Closing his throat.
Tightening his chest.
Stealing his breath.
Gods, what a fool he'd been.
How… how could he say the things he did? How could he just throw everything away? Shadow trusted him. Cared for him.
"I'm done playin' the part of a lovestruck fool."
Loved him, even.
And how did he repay them? How did he thank them for all the effort and time and energy they poured into him?
"They'd only distract us."
"Slow us down."
"They aren't a good match."
"It doesn't matter!"
All the things he'd said, all those careless, cruel words…
Shadow's face.
Their screams.
Tears.
Heartbreak…
He'd earned their anger. Their rage.
He should have known better.
He did know better.
But he panicked.
Lashed out.
He…
He was a damn coward…
And now Shadow was lost to him.
The thought of losing them tore him open, ripping a sob from his throat.
Hunter looked over. "Crosshair-"
"I earned this," he croaked, heading in his hands. "Shadow… Wrecker you shouldn't have caught their tail."
"Instead of mopin'," Hunter growled before Wrecker could speak. "How about you start thinkin' about apologizin'?"
"Crosshair doesn't know how to apologize," Tech snorted, glaring at him. "He never has."
Apologize.
He didn't know how.
He didn't know what to say.
He'd only make things worse.
A conversation flickered through his mind.
Sun on his and Shadow's backs, surrounded by strawberries with storm clouds rolling over the mountains and thunder in the distance.
"I'm not askin' for perfection... I'm askin' you to try."
Try.
Such a trivial line, yet meaning far too much for him to ever put into words.
After all they'd done for him.
After all the risks they'd taken for him.
After… giving a life for him…
Even if it didn't come out right, even if it was messy…
Even if Shadow didn't forgive him…
He would try.
Taking a deep breath, Crosshair pushed himself to his feet and started past Hunter.
The man jumped up and caught his arm. "Hey! You heard Shadow-"
"I can't lose them, Hunter," he said, shaking his head. "I'll… I'll never forgive myself if I don't fix this."
"And how do you plan to do that?"
Crosshair swallowed. "I'm going to tell them something I've never told anyone before."
Hunter held his gaze, face unreadable even to Crosshair, before he bowed his head with a heavy sigh. "Cross." He looked back up, gaze intense. "Bring them back to us."
Crosshair nodded. Exchanging a glance with Wrecker, who gave him an encouraging nod, Crosshair ran after Shadow.
He had to find them.
He had to make this right.
And he wouldn't stop until he'd made it up to them.
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
"Shadow! It's me, Hunter!"
"Squeak. Hey, Squeak. It's me. It's Wrecker!"
"Trust us! Trust me!"
"This isn't you! I know this isn't you!"
"Squeaky, snap out of it!"
"We're trying to help you!"
"Ice, listen to me! I'm not tryin' to hurt you!"
"I would never raise my hand against you!"
"You've trusted me before, and I'm asking you to trust me now!"
"I won't fight you!"
"You need to come back to us."
"I promised ya, Squeaky. I promised."
"Shadow, I love you. I'd rather die than hurt you."
Over and over.
Again and again and again.
Their yells. Shouts. Cries. Confessions.
Echoing in my ears.
Eating away at my very soul.
I pulled my legs up to my chest and hugged them tightly as I looked out over the jungle crater from my clifftop perch. A cool breeze swept up the ridge and ruffled my hair, carrying the scent of rain. Breathing in deeply, I squeezed my eyes shut.
Surely that wasn't one of the prophetic dreams… right? Surely that wasn't the fate that ultimately awaited them and me? There was no… no way they could turn that cruel against me. They weren't chipped, so O66 would never happen. That's the only scenario I could even see them turning cruel in, when they weren't in control of their actions. Only then would they truly turn against me with such malice.
Right?
It was just a regular nightmare, born from a tortured mental state. A nightmare reflecting the events of the past and not hinting at the future. That was it. Nothing more. Nothing worse. Just a mental response to trauma. It wasn't like I didn't have nightmares like that in my normal life. Everybody had nightmares when they had trauma.
Right?
It was just a trauma response. Just a trauma response.
Or was it?
I violently shook my head, smacking my palm against the side of my skull.
Hey, that's not healthy-
Piss off.
I didn't want to think logically right now, I wanted to be angry.
Yet even then, the main emotion aside from uncertainty and anxiety wasn't anger; it was guilt.
I'd… nearly killed the Bad Batch. Nearly torn them all apart.
What if Wrecker hadn't grabbed my tail?
What if I'd gotten my teeth on his throat?
What if the claws got Tech's neck instead of his leg?
What if Hunter hadn't been able to dodge my strikes?
I hugged my legs tighter, curling my tail around myself.
One by one they would have fallen.
Died.
By my hand.
Feeling like a monster was new but… I definitely didn't like it.
How long until I could shake this?
Would I ever be able to?
Fighting for your life… it brought out a side you never knew existed.
Never wanted to know existed.
The things you could do…
The person you became…
I couldn't imagine being created for that sole purpose.
My ear turned back at faint footsteps, muted by still wet leaves, the quick, light footfalls telling me exactly who it was.
Even as I harshly reminded myself that he was the cause of this mess…
I still wanted… Still wanted to…
To what?
To see him?
Hear his voice?
Throw myself into his arms and cry my eyes out on his shoulder as he held me tightly and told me everything would be ok?
Even when I hated Crosshair, I couldn't help but love him.
Lot of good that did. Can't you think logically for once instead of letting your damn heart lead the way? Crosshair hurt us!
Oh yes.
Of that I was well aware.
But I'd be a damn liar if I said his horrified face didn't haunt me every time I closed my eyes.
Nevertheless, I growled at him as he drew close.
Leave me alone.
Hold me.
Get out of here.
Tell me it's all going to be ok.
Go away.
Stay.
He stopped a few feet from me. "Can… I sit?"
I continued to glare in his direction until my growl tapered off and I sighed, indicating the spot beside me with a nod. My fur bristled as he sat down, but I refrained from lashing out at him.
I didn't have the energy for another battle.
"How are-"
I cut him off. "Don't even ask how I'm doin'."
He fell silent again, flinching at my snarl.
Minutes passed before I risked a glance his way.
Shoulders slumped, head bowed, silent tears trickling down his cheeks. When his head turned my way, I quickly looked away.
He hurt you.
He hurt you.
Stop wishing he would make it all better.
You know he will never say sorry.
Emotions surging through me, threatening to explode once more, I sucked in a sharp breath and quickly got up.
Crosshair flinched but scrambled after me. "Shadow, wait."
I ignored him, too scared another explosion could hurt him again.
Why do you care? He deserves to be hurt!
An eye for an eye never did any good!
Lash out!
It would only make things worse!
Hurt him back!
No!
Double the pain!
Too many years!
Triple it!
I'd worked too many years to bury that urge!
Return the pain tenfold!
I couldn't let myself fall back into that!
"Shadow!" Crosshair yelled, grabbing my arm.
I recoiled as if burned by scalding water, ripping out of his grip.
Get away from me! Please!
"Shadow!"
I don't want to hurt you!
"Wait!"
I can't let them loose again!
His fingers latched onto my upper arm and pulled me back, trying to get me to stop. "Wait!"
Can't you see?! I'll hurt you again! Go! Run!
Arms wrapped tightly around me, dragging me back.
The monster! He's back!
No! We're awake!
Run! Fight! Flee!
We're awake!
He's going to hurt us again! Fight back!
Despite my thrashing, and an elbow catching him hard in the nose causing blood to trickle over his lip, Crosshair didn't let go. "I need to talk to you!"
"Why!?" I whipped around to face him, placing both hands on his chest and shoving him violently away. "What more could you possibly say to hurt me?"
"I-"
I advanced on him, teeth bared. "You get a kick outta this, you sadistic fuck?"
Back down! Stop! Shadow, stop!
But I couldn't.
Even if I wanted to, there was no stopping the waters now that the floodgates were open.
"You really think I don't tell myself those things every day? Every hour? Every minute? Every second? Huh?" Tears sprang from my eyes. "Answer me!"
The sniper took a few steps back, hands raised as blood continued to trickle from his nose. "Listen…"
"No," I snarled. "You listen! I've dealt with those thoughts for longer than I can remember! Not a second goes by when I don't have to listen to the voices in my head. Voices telling me I'll never be enough. That I'll never matter to anyone-"
"You do matter." His eyes lowered. "You matter to me."
I laughed bitterly. "You expect me to believe you?" I hissed. "I'm no droid. You can't just flip a switch and expect me to go back to normal. Expect me to recover. I hope you're happy now. Hope you feel real good about yourself!"
"I don't!" he yelled, eyes finding mine once more. "Damn it, I don't feel good!"
"Then why? Why did you say those things?!" I screamed back, claws out and tail lashing furiously as more tears streamed down my cheeks.
He fumbled with his words before stammering, "I just thought…"
"What?"
"I thought…"
"You thought what?!"
"I thought that you didn't care for me back!" he finally screamed.
Memories upon memories flashed through my head.
Middle school.
High school.
College.
How often had I found myself in that same position?
How often had I thought the very same things that Crosshair had said?
How often had my response been the same as his?
How often had cruel words been aimed at the other party?
How often had I cursed them as I nursed a wounded heart?
How often had I been Crosshair?
Why, then, did I find myself laughing bitterly at Crosshair's confession?
"Really?"
Why was I so venomous towards him?
"How ironic."
Towards… myself?
"That a sniper with the best eyesight in the entire GAR can be so damn blind!"
"I… I didn't know what to do, alright?!" he yelled.
I understand.
His voice lowered. "I didn't know…"
I understand more than I can ever put into words.
Yet my words continued to aim straight for the sniper's heart.
"You didn't know?" I mocked. "Funny, because you had plenty to say about how I'm just some liability holding you back-"
"That's not true," he urged, stepping closer to me. He hesitantly reached out. "You're more than that."
"Am I though?" I asked, shaking as I stepped back. "I'm nothing special."
His words didn't falter. "To me you are."
"To you? You don't care about me," I spat, lashing my tail. "I'm just a liability! You said so yourself! Remember?!"
Remember how you said to me things I've said to other people?
He looked over me for a moment, a vast range of emotions flashing across his face. "I'm tryin' to apologize."
I know. Oh Crosshair, I know. I know. I was you. I know.
"Stop trying. It won't work." I looked away, hugging myself as something broke inside me. "Even if I wish it would." Gripping my arms tighter, throat burning, I continued, "I worked at rebuildin' myself piece by piece for years. Only to get torn apart again and again and again and again. You aren't the first person to think I'm a liability and you won't be the last. I…"
My voice broke, shoulders starting to tremble. Crosshair reached out but I moved away.
"Shadow-"
"I just… I was stupid enough to actually think… think that you, you of all people, would know how bad that pain is, how cripplin'."
And you do. I can see it in your eyes. Hear it in your voice. You know all too well. You know.
"But no."
Why can't I tell you?
"Guess I really am an idiot."
Why can't I trust you?
"Nothin' new there."
When you are so much like myself?
Crosshair reached for my arm. "You-"
"Stop, Crosshair. Just… just leave me al-" I turned away as a hiccup interrupted my words. Wiping my nose, I took a shaky breath. "You've done your damage. Have fun pickin' up the broken pieces." I shook my head, turning to walk back down the trail.
Walk away from the mission.
From the Bad Batch.
From him.
"Please!"
I stopped dead, that last word freezing me in place as it broke through the silence.
"Please!"
Crosshair never said that, save once.
But even then, he never apologized.
He's learning. He's learning. Don't turn your back on him now. Don't leave him behind when he's come so far.
Don't abandon him.
"Since when is that word in your vocabulary?" I growled.
Crosshair stepped closer, hand hesitantly resting on my shoulder. "You need to come back with me." He paused, grip tightening. "To me."
I hesitated, then pulled away. "You've broken my trust, Crosshair," I muttered, face still angled away from him. "Pretty but empty words won't fix that any time soon."
"I know, but… if you give me a chance-"
"A chance?" I echoed, turning indignantly to face him as rage flared to life once more. "How many am I supposed to give? Huh? When have you ever shown any feelings towards me? Any appreciation?"
"This isn't about the mission."
"Don't mind that you know… sweetheart."
"You aren't built for the things we're good at, you're built for what you're good at."
"Who says we don't respect you?"
"Someone smart told me that."
"Did well, takin' the shot with the hogs."
"You're something else, furball. Know that?"
"Don't ever change."
"Especially when we have each other's backs."
"I care."
"Not goin' anywhere, furball."
"Easy, darlin'."
"Can I call you that again?"
"I can't keep you safe and it drives me crazy."
"Can't you see that you do make a difference? With me."
You haven't given up even when I've been an ass."
"And that means more to me than I can ever say."
Panic written all over his face, Crosshair stammered for a moment before yelling, "Why do you suddenly care so much about my opinion of you?!"
"You fucking idiot," I hissed, aiming a fist at his chest. "It always hurt!"
Maybe if… if I just attacked him he'd leave. Go away.
Then, maybe… this turmoil and inner war would end.
He deflected my fist with a block. "I-"
"I let you in! And look where that got me!" I aimed another fist, this time towards his nose.
Go away!
"You know what my corpse told me?"
Get out!
"It was my fault you turned!"
Leave!
"My fault for being so stupid to get comfortable around you! To trust you! You're no better than the boys who ghosted me!"
STAY.
Crosshair parried the strike away from his nose. "That's a low blow and you know it."
Yes.
Yes it most certainly was.
He was nothing like them.
Because unlike them…
He actually stayed.
Even when I tried to drive him away.
Yet reinforced shields were hard to bring back down.
"Would you rather me kick you? Because that can easily be arranged!" I drew back to make good on that, but when I kicked, Crosshair stepped forward inside my kick, hooked his arm under my thigh, grabbed the front of my shirt with his other hand, and swept my back leg out from under me.
Inside Reap.
The second night on the trail.
He… remembered what I taught them.
Damn it.
Instinctively grabbing his shoulders so I didn't slam into the ground, I glared up at him. "I never should have taught you Inside Reap."
"You've taught me a lot of things."
"So, now you acknowledge my contributions?" I hissed, absolutely loathing the vulnerable position I was in and how close I was to Crosshair.
I could feel his warmth. Hear his heart. Smell that comforting scent. It was far too tempting to trade the harsh words for a tight hug, a hug that would make it all better and erase the pain and trauma. But this was no Disney movie.
I couldn't.
I wouldn't.
"Put me down, shabuir."
Please. Before I break and let you back in.
"Not until you listen to me," he refused, adjusting his grip on my thigh.
I want to. Oh Crosshair I want to. But I can't. I can't.
"I don't want to hear anything out of your lyin' mouth!"
Another lie.
I wanted to hear his playful insults. His steady encouragement. His rare but heartfelt compliments.
But, most of all… I wanted to hear two words. Just two. But he'd never say them. He couldn't say them.
I couldn't get my hopes up again.
"My next words are no lie." He swallowed hard, looking away before teary brown eyes returned to mine. "I'm…"
Wait.
Could he?
Was this…?
"I'm sorry."
My eyes went wide and I stared up at him, still holding tight to his shoulders.
The words.
The two words.
Repeating over and over and over and over and over and over in my head until I could hear nothing else.
"I'm sorry."
Words I never heard him say before…
Words I never expected to hear…
Coming straight from the sniper's mouth.
Slowly letting me down to the ground, he released me before kneeling in the dirt with me. "Please… J-Just… let me speak."
Still processing the words, still not totally sure I'd heard him correctly, I just stared at him.
"I just… I'm sorry. I'll say I'm sorry a thousand times if… if you just… Please… stay." Crosshair shook his head, fresh tears pooling in his eyes. "I'd die every day I wasn't with you."
The raw emotion in his words shook me to the core.
"Is... is there anything…" he continued, unable to get a single word out without a sob. "How can I fix this? Please, anything. I'll do anything."
Seeing him so… so desperate…
He…
I…
Oh gods what was I supposed to do? What should I do? Could I do?
Despite the pain, the hurt… I wanted to fix this too, wanted to be close to the sniper again, wanted that relationship we had before… but…
Could we even do that?
I held his gaze. "You… You threw me under the bus to save your own skin without even stopping to think how it would affect me."
"I didn't know you were there-"
"That's no excuse," I interrupted, a snarl buried in my words once again even though the fire behind them had burned out.
There was no fight in Crosshair's next words. "I know."
My rage tempered at his look of utter defeat.
I'd seen false apologies. Spoke to cool tensions and nothing more. But this…
This was the heartfelt confession of a broken man.
"I was- I was a coward. I couldn't... I didn't want to see you happy with them while I could only watch from the outside, always... wanting to feel that love and care. I panicked. I got scared. I didn't- I fucked up." Tears trickled down his cheeks.
"Crosshair-"
"W-we can go back to fighting," Crosshair stammered, desperation bleeding through as sobs shook his body. "Can go back to being enemies. Can go back to you… hatin' me. Back to treatin' me like… a stranger. J-Just…" His voice broke. "Don't leave me."
My stomach twisted as he began to hyperventilate, already unstable sentences breaking down into hiccups and sobs as his head bowed.
"Please… don't leave me."
Crosshair…
I hesitated but reached out, resting my hand on top of his.
The man jumped before gripping my hand as if it were life and death.
I guess, for him… now it was.
"Crosshair... I never hated you," I confessed.
Even as I cursed him to the farthest star and back, I still couldn't let go.
Tearful eyes, bloodshot from crying, found mine. No deceit. No defensiveness.
Only the pleading gaze of a man willing to do whatever it took not to lose…
Me.
"I hate what you've done. But you?" I brushed his thigh with my tail. "I don't... think I could ever hate you."
No matter how hard I try…
"Even-" A sob cut him off and he swallowed hard before continuing. "After… Even after the… stupid shit I s-said?"
I squeezed his hand. "You're apologizin'. I don't take it lightly."
How could I?
How could I brush off the first time I'd heard the word 'sorry' from this sniper?
The first time I'd gotten a true apology from the sniper?
"I… I'll say sorry again. I'll say it again and again if…" He hiccuped. "If it meant I didn't have to lose you."
He… He'd really do that?
A few hours ago, I'd never would have believed it.
Then again…
I hadn't ever imagined I'd hear him say those two monumental words.
"I'm sorry."
My efforts weren't in vain. They weren't wasted.
Crosshair learned.
He learned.
And now, with him wanting so badly to change…
How could I give up now?
Fatal flaw, perhaps but…
I guess even a snake could change its ways.
"I've seen you grow, I've seen you take my words to heart before and change," I said slowly, carefully giving each word thought before it left my mouth. "Even when we slide back… I can see you try to change. Like now."
A hopeful smile broke across his face, a sob accompanying it. "I swear on my life," he vowed, gripping my hand with both of his. "I swear I'll do better. I swear." Fresh tears spilled from his eyes. "Will… Will you stay?"
Would I?
Doubt, the rotten bastard, slithered back in and coiled around me.
I sighed softly, glancing away. "I want to. I want to… to believe you will do better. Won't erupt like this again…" I met his gaze. "There's just… only so much words can do-"
"Then let me show you."
Without warning, the sniper pulled me in close and wrapped his arms tightly around my back, burying his face in my neck.
He… He just…
Never before had he…
He'd never made the first…
The first…
Tense, I hesitated before throwing my arms around him and holding on for dear life. Eyes squeezing shut as tears spilled from them, I tried to even my breaths before I broke down into sobs as well.
Crosshair, on the other hand, made no effort to hide his tears and in no time, my skin and shirt were soaked, the sniper shaking as he tried to repress sobs.
I'd… never heard him cry like this. Not so… openly. Even when the sobs began to weaken, the sniper's unrelenting grip remained steady. If anything, he tried to drag me even closer.
Wiggling myself into a more comfortable position on his lap, I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms tightly around his back before burying my face into his neck and curling my tail around us both.
His only response was to pull me in even tighter.
"Not lettin' go. Never again," came his broken voice, hoarse from crying. "I'm so sorry, Shadow."
"Cross-"
"You don't have to forgive me. I… I haven't earned it. But, if given… if you allow me…"
I hugged him tighter. "If you can meet me halfway… we can go the rest of the way together."
A laugh, born not from mirth but the hurricane of emotions gripping us both, slipped from his chest and he hugged me tighter. "I'd… I'd like that." Taking a deep breath, he leaned back and looked into my eyes. "But you? Shadow… I love you. I'm just- I should have told you sooner." A weak smile, his lips quivering as he fought another sob. "When you weren't… high."
A weak smile crossed my own face. "That… probably would have been best."
The two of us laughed for a moment, tears pouring down our faces once more, before eventually we fell quiet.
"So you- you'll stay?" Crosshair asked, voice trembling.
Taking a deep breath, wiping tears from my eyes, I nodded. "Aye, Crosshair. I'll stay."
His face lit up and he hugged me tightly once more.
Even if it was rough.
Even if it was messy.
We could get through this.
And that was all I needed to know.
Special thanks to patrons Jesse and Lil!