Contrary to popular belief, Abarai Renji did not like conflict. Just because he looked like a Yakuza hoodlum didn't mean he actually was one. (Similarly, just because someone didn't look like a Yakuza hoodlum, it didn't mean that they weren't one. Take the kindly old fishmonger down at the open market. Renji knew for a fact that he was running some kind of gambling ring down the back alley of the gym on Wednesdays, and nothing Rukia said would ever change his mind.)
He disliked conflict even less when it involved the two women who were nearest and dearest to him, especially when they were both trying to drag him into it.
"Renji, for the love of King Jareth's holy codpiece, would you please talk some sense in to your wife-to-be?" Hisana implored as she marched on ahead as quickly as possible.
"Renji, would you tell the dressmaker that it's my wedding, and that means that I get to choose the dress?!" Rukia was matching the pace of her elder sister, both pairs of legs going nineteen to the dozen. Renji peered about to see if anyone else had spotted how ridiculous they looked. If they were four inches taller, they'd probably be covering a lot of ground, but they weren't, and Renji looked like he was out for a casual stroll despite the fact that he was nearly tripping over them.
They came to an abrupt halt as they reached Hisana's place of work.
He'd feel bad the bullying, but Hisana wasn't a man about to be coerced into wearing indecently tight-fitting legwear on the most photographed day of his life. She should just suck it up. And he really wished she wouldn't mention codpieces; it was just going to give Rukia ideas.
He gave a deep and heavy sigh.
He instantly regretted it.
Rukia swatted him hard in the stomach. "I said, 'Don't you, Renji?'", she snarled at him through gritted teeth.
He spluttered and rub the back of his neck awkwardly, "Err… Yes?"
Rukia glared at him.
He coughed and thumped at his chest, as though he'd got something stuck in his throat. "I mean- ahem- Yes! Yes, of course I do. Absolutely." He nodded enthusiastically to prove his point.
Rukia's fearsome visage immediately changed into something much, much more pleasant as she turned back to her sister, arms crossed and nose raised in defiant victory. "See!"
Hisana's mouth dropped open in disbelief as she gaped at him incredulously. He was pointedly staring over her head. She rolled her eyes and shifted her unblinking gaze back to Rukia's smirking face.
Taking a few seconds, inhaling slowly, nostrils flared, Hisana finally made up her mind. "No."
Unwilling to watch the smile fade from Rukia's face, with her quivering bottom lip and her hands balled into fists, Hisana uttered quietly, "I have work," and left the couple standing in the street.
If she thought that this signalled the end of this argument she was sorely mistaken; Rukia was on one this morning. She'd already turfed him out of bed far earlier than necessary, using less than pleasurable means. And, to be honest, Renji didn't understand why Hisana was putting up such a fight. She knew how this was going to end. They all knew how this was going to end. Her fate was sealed the second she agreed to make The Dress.
Rukia, by all accounts, puffed up with absolute indignation and stormed into the shop after her sister, crashing through the door, its little bell twinkling in her wake.
Renji winced, braced himself for battle and cautiously followed her, promising to himself that he most certainly would intervene before things got out of hand. Definitely.
Turned out, he needn't have worried, because stood right in the centre of the shop floor stood a woman with a gentle and placid demeanour, with her motherly smile and soft spoken words.
He'd never quite understood why Hisana was so completely and utterly enthralled, but also equally terrified, of her manager. That was, until this precise moment.
Unohana Retsu. A matronly woman that Hisana had assured him, on more than one occasion, should never be allowed anywhere near sharp pointy implements, such as secateurs and garden snips, and much less allowed to work with them on a daily basis.
"- Oh, how delightful, Saito-san!" Unohana-san was saying to his beloved in a most indulgent tone, "Do you have any idea what sort of dress you'd like?"
Rukia was positively triumphant. "It's been so difficult to choose, there are so many beautiful dresses out there, but I really love- have you seen Labyrinth? You know, with David Bowie?" she gushed with the excessively girlish manner she always used to lay on thick to bullshit teachers and peers whenever she was up to something. "Well, I simply adore Sarah's ball gown, but I don't know if… maybe it wouldn't suit me? I'm not sure if the sleeves are too big, or if it's too… too… poofy? I mean… well, what do you think, Unohana-san?" Rukia flattened out the film poster she had been fawning over for the past four months across the counter.
"Oh my. Oh, that's beautiful, Saito-san. Oh, you'd look so lovely. Don't you think she'd look lovely, Hisana?" He couldn't quite explain it, but there was something, pure instinct perhaps, that told him you did not argue with Unohana Retsu.
Renji recognised that petrified look in Hisana's eyes; that fixed smile. It was one he'd worn more than once when caught in one of Rukia's masterful webs of manipulation. She nodded meekly in agreement. "Lovely, yes…" He also recognised that gleam when she passed a look in his direction. It was one that told him in no uncertain terms that she was going to murder him in his sleep.
"And I've seen Hisana's skill with needlecraft. I have no doubt that she'll be able to adapt any pattern to perfectly suit your frame, dear," Unohana-san assured Rukia. "She often helps with the bridal wear and accessories."
The doorbell chimed once more as the shop's overarching proprietor stepped in and joined them. A tall, slender woman; all sleek lines with an ornate golden ornament pinning her hair in place.
If Renji was uneasy in the presence of Unohana Retsu, it was nothing compared to how he felt as the newcomer eyed him intently. The murderous gleam in his future sister-in-law's eyes had also become positively wicked.
"Shutara-san! You're just in time!" Hisana was suddenly beaming. "My sister here is getting married; a Labyrinth-style affair. I've agreed to make the dress, because… well, you know… budget, but you know I'm not so-."
"A Labyrinth-style affair, you say?" she interrupted. "Who's playing Jareth?" She glanced leeringly at Renji.
He swallowed nervously. It suddenly occurred to him that if Hisana was going down, so was he.
Hisana clutched at her chest, "Funny you should ask that. You know I'm not so hot with men's formal wear, and Renji here needs a fitting!" She blinked innocently at him as her mentor stalked towards him, pulling a tape measure out from where it was tucked in her bra.
He gulped.
Hisana wasn't going to murder him in his sleep.
She was going to feed him to the sharks.