Leann Nickerson- I'm so happy you found this story! Welcome!
CamWinchester412- Yay! I had SO much fun writing it! Thank you for the prompt!
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On with the show!
TW: Mental health, depression, possible self harm
For this chapter, I wanted something that centered around Sam for a change. And I saw a post questioning what made Dean visit Sam at Stanford (cuz he literally says it in the pilot, "in two years I never once asked you for anything") and it's all I've been able to think about. That and the fact that he's still at Stanford for the fall semester after he should have graduated? Assuming he did everything in four years like they try to make you do... Like why wait so long to apply to law schools? These are the questions that haunt me... Thoughts?
2003
Sam was no stranger to mental illness. After all, living on the road, bouncing around town to town with no one but his own brother to talk to was majorly depressing. But he got through it. Anytime he was having a bad day or just seemed off, Dean always found something that got him out of his head for a while and made things all better. And those times they both were going through it, they went through it together.
Now here he was. Away at Stanford. Going through it. And Dean wasn't anywhere around.
Specifically, the week of November 2nd.
Sam never really mourned much on this day. It seemed too weird for him, seeing as how he was a baby and has literally no memory of Mary. Sure, he missed her, but it's kinda hard to miss someone you never met, you know? When they were younger, Dean would tell Sam stories about Mary and show him her picture while John would go off and throw back shots.
He didn't even have a picture.
And this time hit differently too. Sam wasn't quite sure why. Could be because he was twenty now, which means it has now been two decades since his mom's death.
As Sam sat on the floor of the dorm room, he began to think about how his life could be so much more different. I mean, Mary would be proud of him right? He was away at a very prestigious school right now, dating a really amazing girl, finally living the life it seemed like he always wanted. A parent should want that for their kid, right? That's like the ultimate parenting goal, right?
Or would Mary be ashamed of him. Embarrassed by him. Angry at him as well, for running out on his dad and brother like he did. Just so he could go fucking prove a point.
Sam felt physically ill. His head was pounding, his heart was racing, and he felt like if he tried to stand up he might hurl or pass out. Other than that, he just felt... numb.
That is until tears suddenly seemed to explode from his eyes, possibly from feeling so shitty. Covering his face with his hand, he let out a muffled scream that turned into a sob.
Struggling to take a deep breath, he felt his back pocket for his phone and twirled it in his fingers.
What are the chances he even still has the same number? It's only been two years since you last talked to him. He probably hates you now. Or he's pissed at you forever.
As his thumb hovered over the call button, a text from Jess came in.
Miss you. We still on for tonight?
Sam let out a shaky breath. They haven't seen much of each other the past couple weeks because of school and work. Jess recently pitched the idea of seeing this new movie she was excited about, and while he agreed at first to go with her, he was suddenly regretting it.
Sorry. Professor moved up the due date for this assignment. Gotta finish it tonight.
He hit send and hoped it was enough to convince Jess that tonight was just not going to happen.
A few minutes later, Jess sent back a frowny face, followed by I hate that. Rain check. Love you.
Sam threw the phone against the wall before breaking down in sobs again, this time not even trying to muffle them.
It was the next day.
Jess kicked her feet back and forth under her chair as she sat at the counter-top of her favorite coffee shop around the corner from campus. She and Sam always met up here Sundays after church. Jess was still very much religious and would frequently go to services. She even dragged Sam along sometimes, but lately he wasn't really feeling it.
It seemed like he wasn't really feeling like doing anything. Which Jess completely understood, given how they're both young adults acting as full time students with part time jobs and barely any social life.
After waiting around for twenty minutes and not getting a single text back, Brady so happened to walk in.
"Hey beautiful," he sneered as he saw her sitting alone and walked over to her.
"Hey Brady," Jess said, her tone coming off sadder than she would have liked.
"What's wrong? Something happen with you and Boy Toy?"
Jess laughed slightly at the nickname.
"I don't know. I thought he would meet me here like usual but I can't get a hold of him."
"Maybe he's busy."
"On a Sunday?"
"Maybe he's planning something special for Halloween?"
Jess thought about it. Halloween was her favorite holiday, even if Sam felt the opposite for whatever reason. And it wasn't unlike him to not try to make their date nights special.
Brady pulled his keys out of his jacket pocket.
"Here," he said, taking a key off the ring and sliding it across the counter, "Sam gave it to me for emergencies. Maybe you can take it and surprise him or something."
Jess thanked him for the key and they walked back to the dorms together.
Another day had passed.
Sam slept in much later than usual, which isn't surprising considering he was up until four in the morning just staring at the ceiling. Sam figured at some point his body just gave into the exhaustion and he passed out because now here he was: still in bed at 12:46 pm. Which means he missed both his morning classes and would likely miss his afternoon class.
Feeling gross in the clothes he was still wearing from yesterday, Sam began to gather some of his things and make his way towards the bathroom down the hall. With everyone away for lunch or afternoon classes, Sam had the whole dorm bathroom to himself. He locked himself in a shower stall and began to carefully strip himself. It was like he had been hit by a bus or something. He had never felt so sore and achy in his life.
Cranking the nozzle to the hottest possible setting, Sam stood under the water with his eyes closed. Even if this was all he did, he knew it was better than nothing.
Once he felt like he had burned enough of his skin off, he quickly washed his hair and finished his shower. He threw clean sweats on and made his way back to his room, only to be startled by the sight of Jess sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Jeez!" he said, walking in through the door. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Jess held up the key Brady gave her to let Sam know how she got in.
"Missed you in class today," Jess answered. The two decided to take a creative writing class together this semester as a requirement. Sam couldn't tell from her tone if she was mad or upset or disappointed or a combination of the three.
"Y-y-yeah I took a sick day," Sam rambled off. Only thing that could pop into his deadbeat of a brain.
"You took a sick day?"
"Yeah I ordered dinner from that questionable Mexican restaurant up the street."
Jess looked her boyfriend up and down. Even though he just took the hottest shower known to man, his face looked pale. And he shivered as his wet hair dripped on his Stanford sweatshirt.
"Not a smart idea," he added once he realized Jess wasn't going to say anything.
"Why are you lying to me right now?" Jess asked, sounding completely defeated.
"I'm not lying!"
"Yes you are Sam! I'm not dumb! I can tell when I'm being blown off."
"I'm not blowing you off I swear."
"Then what is it?"
Sam began to feel physically ill again. It was like thirteen cups of strong brewed coffee were starting to kick in all at once. He put his fist in his mouth and bit down on his first knuckle to keep from crying in front of Jess.
"You wouldn't get it," Sam mumbled, fist still in his mouth
"What?" Jess asked, unable to hear.
"You wouldn't get it!" Sam said again, removing the fist and raising his voice.
Jess took that as her cue to leave. And Sam let her.
Basically having himself a temper tantrum, Sam threw himself on his bed and screamed into his pillow.
Guess neither of them were doing anything for Halloween this year.
November 1st came and went and nothing.
By the time November 2nd arrived, Sam was kicking himself. He missed more classes and work and he hadn't talked to Jess in two days.
Sam pushed the call button, not expecting someone to actually answer. Sure it was silence, but it was an answer.
"I need you," Sam pleaded into the phone, trying to get the words out before losing it. "I'm so sorry! I fucked up and everything is falling apart and nothing is helping and I don't know what to do!"
Sam allowed himself to break down in the most gun wrenching sobs. The line continued to stay silent as he cried.
Finally, a voice responded.
"I'm on my way Sammy."
Dean rolled up to Stanford the next day. He stayed with Sam for about two weeks helping him through his episode. They talked about Mary and Dean brought the pictures, just like when they were kids. Dean filled Sam in on whatever leads John was chasing at the moment, which didn't really make Sam feel better. But none of that mattered. Dean was back and everything's okay when Dean's around. That made Sam feel better.
Eventually, Dean encouraged Sam to make things up with Jess, who Sam never let Dean meet and informed him she was just a friend for her sake. Still determined to keep his two worlds as separated as possible.
Jess forgave Sam, of course, and offered to help him in any way she could, promising to be there as his safety net for the next time he was crashing. They started working together to help Sam figure out some sort of plan or goal to accomplish. It was decided then that they would start looking for places together and Sam would take the next semester off for a mental health break.
At the end of the two weeks, when Sam was feeling much better, Dean decided it was time for him to go. But not without a final chick flick moment and Sam offering an IOU, which Dean turned down.
Until Dean rolled back up again two years later ready to cash it in.
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