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On with the show!


2017

Sam sat up in his bed gasping for air. His head was spinning and his heart was beating so fast he thought he was going to throw up. He attempted to ground himself back to reality but failed as images flashed through his brain.

The cage with Lucifer...

Jack as Lucifer...

Jack AND Lucifer hurting him...

Hurting Dean...

He'd been broken out of hell for years and yet these stupid nightmares kept sucking him back in.

He shuffled over to his bathroom in the dark and splashed the cold water from the sink on his face. That seemed to help him enough to start to shake off the feeling like he was being watched.

Knowing there was no way he was going to be able to go back to sleep, he left his bedroom. Slowly and quietly latching the door behind him, he turned towards the hallway that lead to Dean's room. He fought against it. Dean was still dealing with Cas and Mom being gone; he didn't need to worry about Sam as well. So he turned the other way and went out to the library, finding his laptop and turning it on. Maybe he could find a hunt or something to distract him and he and Dean could leave in the morning. Chuck knows the two of them could use to chance to get out of this bunker for a while.

Sam was startled by the sound of a coffee mug being set down next to him and jumped.

"Sorry! Didn't mean to scare you."

Sam sighed in relief to notice it was just Jess.

"It's fine. I'm just... Jumpy?" Sam struggled to think of a better word.

Jess pulled out the chair next to him and sat down. She also had a coffee mug and took a sip. Sam looked in the mug she had set down next to him and saw the tea bag floating in the hot water.

"It's peppermint."

"Thanks," Sam said, picking the mug up and taking a sip.

"Couldn't sleep?"

Sam laughed. "You could say that. Why are you up?"

"I was feeling lonely. I came down to grab a snack and noticed you were up so..."

Jess trailed off and looked down at her mug, suddenly very interested in it. Sam swore he saw her cheeks turn red a little.

"Well you're welcome to hang out with me anytime."

Jess smiled and drank more of her tea. She reached out and grabbed one of the books stacked on the table. Sam turned back to his computer. The two sat there in silence for a few minutes before Jess spoke up.

"Did you..."

"What?"

"Nevermind," she said quickly.

"No, what?"

"Well... It's just... I was just going to ask if it was another nightmare."

Sam was absolutely flabbergasted.

"What do you mean 'another nightmare'?"

"You used to have them all the time," Jess added, trying to come off casually. She felt a pang of guilt for even bringing it up in the first place. "You don't have to answer. I don't even know why I-"

"You knew?" Sam asked, interrupting her. Jess watched him as he slammed his laptop shut. She could tell he was starting to get upset.

"Sam," she said gently. "Come on. Of course I knew. When your boyfriend wakes up in the middle of the night every night freaking out, you kinda notice."

"And you never asked?"

"I figured if it was really bothering you, you would have told me about it. I didn't want to pry if you were just going to tell me to forget about it."

Sam stared at her in disbelief. He hated having nightmares. He remembered all those nights feeling embarrassed and terrified. He remembered trying to downplay it and keep his cool, and here his college girlfriend was sitting and telling him she knew the entire time.

"Sam," Jess said, grabbing his left hand and holding it in hers. "Seriously. It's not that big of a deal. If I knew half the stuff you knew at that time, I'd have nightmares too."

Sam smiled at Jess' poor attempt to comfort him. He looked down at her small hands holding his. He liked it. He missed it.

"Hunting nightmares are no joke," he said, mostly to himself, but still loud enough for Jess to hear.

"If I had asked... would you have told me?"

Sam shuddered as he tried to take a deep breath to calm himself. He could feel his eyes getting wet and when he looked up, he noticed Jess wasn't too far behind.

"No," he answered simply. Jess nodded sympathetically. "I would have done exactly what you said. Told you to drop it. Everything I did, I did to try to keep you safe."

"So you wouldn't have told me a damn thing about hunting?"

Sam sighed and shook his head no. Jess pulled her hands away to wipe the tears off her face. Sam forgot they had been holding hands that entire time.

"Did you know I was going to die?" she asked, her voice cracking as she cried. That broke Sam. He looked up and started blinking to keep himself from crying with her.

"Um... A couple weeks before... I dreamt it-"

"You dreamt it?"

"-and I didn't know what it meant at the time! I thought it was just a fucking nightmare. How was I supposed to know it was going to come true!?"

Silence filled the room again. Jess curled up in her chair and sobbed silently into her hands. Sam wiped his face and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Jess," he whispered, "you have no idea the hell I put myself through all these years. The guilt I carried for your death. The blame I put on myself. I kept replaying that weekend, wondering if I did warn you or even if I brought you with me and Dean. Or if Dean never showed and I just took you as far away from that apartment as I possibly could have."

"It wouldn't have mattered! I still would have died!"

Sam trembled hearing her cry out like that.

"Jess-"

"I have to go," she said, standing quickly and going to leave.

"Jessica!" Sam pleaded, standing with her and grabbing her arm.

"No Sam!" Jess screamed, yanking her arm away. She didn't even look back at him as she ran out of the library and back towards the bedrooms. All Sam could do was watch her go, before sitting back down and crying alone.


someones-big-sister