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One with the show! Part 1 of 2!

TW: potential sexual assault

2004

Jess was that girl.

And by that girl, I mean the one who has kept a diary her entire life.

Sam was surprised to learn about this. He thought girls keeping diaries was a myth and not something a girl actually took seriously. After they moved in together, he would come home and find her scribbling and doodling. He would roll his eyes every time she mentioned that it was almost time for her to buy a new notebook. He would tease her sometimes and ask her if she was writing about him. Sometimes Jess would read him aloud what she wrote, especially if what she wrote about was one of their dates or a night out with the girlfriends. But Sam knew how important her notebooks were to her and he always respected her privacy with them.

But lately, something had been going on with Jess and it was starting to bother Sam. They had been living together for about six months and Sam was worried about the distance slowly growing between the two. Jess seemed far off and almost like she was faking that she was hiding something.

The first time that worried Sam, he caught Jess writing in her journal at five in the morning. Jess hadn't been able to sleep because of her thoughts so she grabbed her clip-on booklight and attached it to her notebook cover and started writing.

"What are you doing up?" a very sleepy Sam asked.

"Did I wake you?"

"Sorta but I mean it's fine," Sam answered while yawning. "What are you up to?"

"Just figuring some stuff out."

"Anything you wanna talk about?"

Jess thought about it for a second. "Ummm, not really. I'm done anyway. Sorry that I woke you."

"It's fine as long as you're okay."

Jess smiled and bent down to kiss him. "I'm gonna be up for a while so I'll just be in the other room."

Jess got out of bed and threw the notebook on the table next to her side. Sam watched her set it down and walk out of the room, closing the bedroom door behind her. He saw the kitchen light come on under the door and heard her starting to boil water to make tea.

Sam stared at the notebook curious what was so important that was on his girlfriend's mind that she was up super early writing about. While Jess did use diaries as a way to remember the fun things, he also knew that Jess used them as a form of therapy to gather her thoughts.

He fell back asleep and Jess never said anything about what was on her mind.

The second time that worried Sam, he came home from class to find Jess sitting on the couch talking on her phone. She looked upset and she was speaking quietly in a serious tone Sam hadn't really heard from her before.

"Hold on Rachel," Jess said suddenly when she realized Sam was home. Before Sam could even open his mouth to ask what was going on, Jess had jumped off the couch and gone into the bedroom, latching the bedroom door behind her.

Sam was hurt. What was going on that Jess could tell Rachel about but not him?

He knew it was wrong, but he carefully placed his ear against the bedroom door.

"Seriously Rachel, what the fuck do I do the next time I see him... Should I tell Sam..."

Yes.

"...Why not..."

Fuck you too Rachel.

"True... That does sound like something he would do..."

Sam heard Jess laugh softly and sniff. Is she crying?

"...I don't know what I'm going to do... I love Sam but..."

But?

Sam couldn't listen to this anymore. He left the apartment and went for a walk. He came back to find Jess had showered and changed into her pajamas. She smiled casually, as if absolutely nothing had happened, and asked him where he went.

Sam lied and said he forgot something on campus.

But the third time that worried Sam...

Jess was sitting at the kitchen counter writing away about a situation that had happened that morning before class. She looked at the clock and realized she was going to be late for her afternoon class. She immediately grabbed her bag and ran out the door, leaving her notebook open on the table.

Sam came home to an empty apartment like usual. He knew Jess had class and wouldn't be home for a couple of hours. While grabbing a snack, he noticed Jess' open notebook on the counter. Smirking to himself, he flipped the page and started reading, curious what she was writing about today and thinking maybe she wanted him to find it if she left it open.

That was not it.

Eric kissed me today. He was waiting for me outside of my building for class and he just pinned me against the wall and kissed me. Why did he have to fucking do that? All I can think about is Sam. I have to tell him now right? He'll be so heartbroken but... he'll understand, right? It's not like I cheated... or did I... I did like it. It felt good. It felt different. I have feelings for Eric that I don't have for Sam. That's not normal, right? I mean, I finally found a guy who loves me that I love and that I think could be the one. So why do I feel this way about another guy? Have I made a mistake?

The diary entry stopped there.

A whirlwind of emotions bubbled up inside Sam. He threw the notebook across the apartment. Sitting down on one of the bar stools, he rested his face in his hands and tried to catch his breath.

What the fuck do I do?

He didn't realize how long he had been sitting there until Jess came through the door.

"Hey!" she said all cheerfully.

Sam looked up at her.

"What happened?" she asked, immediately seeing his face.

"You tell me," he said, his voice sounding rough. Jess looked confused. "Who's Eric?"

Jess was speechless. "How do you-"

Sam pointed to the notebook spilled open on the floor in the corner.

"You read my notebook?" Jess asked, starting to get angry.

"You left it open on the counter!"

"That doesn't mean you can read it!"

"Who's Eric?"

"Nobody!"

"You always go around kissing nobodies!?"

"Don't."

"Who's Eric!?"

"Stop it Sam!"

Sam threw his hand over his mouth to stop talking. Jess took a breath and started crying. She set her stuff down in the doorway and walked over to the counter. Sam watched her carefully prepared to run out of the apartment.

"Eric is a guy I met at the coffee shop on campus. We crashed into each other and I spilled my coffee and he offered to buy me a new one. Turned out we had classes in the same building so we walked together talking. I see him sometimes in the hallway and we'll talk."

"How long has this been going on?"

"A while."

Sam bit his lip and nodded. "Is this what you've been hiding from me all this time?"

"It wasn't like that Sam."

"Then what was it like?"

"I didn't think anything of it until Eric started acting weird. One day he asked me out-"

"And you said no, right?"

"No, Sam, I said yes and went out with him," Jess said sarcastically. Sam scoffed. "Of course I said no! Who the fuck do you think I am?"

"Well, I thought you were my girlfriend!"

"I am your girlfriend!"

"Not if you have feelings for some other guy!" Sam said, standing up and walking towards the door.

"Please don't do this Sam," Jess sobbed. "Let me explain!"

Sam didn't want to hear it. He slammed that apartment door. When he returned hours later, Jess and her belongings were gone.

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