(A/N: Alright, let's get back into it! Thank you all for your patience, let's continue this story! I was planning for a fun action-packed chapter, but I ended up writing this instead, so I think it was meant to be!
TW: blood, injuries, PTSD, episode of disassociation, panic attack, unhealthy coping mechanisms (s/h). Please read with caution, as this is a bit of a heavier chapter than we've had thus far! 3)
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"Kai? Kai, where are you? I need you!" She heard her mother call out, and it caused a slight burst of anxiety through her body as her mother sounded worried. She needed to go see what she needed, she must need help with something.
"One second! I'll be there, I'm on my way!" Kai called out and tried to stand up, but now there were things in her way, furniture that shouldn't be there. That made no sense? Why was there a cabinet in her way? She tried to go around and managed to do so, but this time the hallway seemed longer than she remembered.
"Kai? Where are you?" Again, the same worried tone and Kai began to run down the hallway. The doorway at the end was dark, with no light on, and Kai finally stumbled through the door. The distance itself seemed to buckle and zoom closer, and she landed on her knees in front of her mom.
They weren't in her childhood home anymore. She was in town, in her mother's shop. Everything was the same, as if Kai could ever forget what she had seen that day. Including where her mother's body lay.
Her mother's eyes were glassy, and Kai knew she had been too late. But even knowing that, she could hear the familiar voice. "What took you so long? I needed you, you left me."
Kai covered her ears with her hands, but the voice seemed to follow her. "Why didn't you help me?"
She growled out in frustration, her chest aching with fear as her fingers dug into her scalp. "I came as fast as I could. I didn't want this to happen. It wasn't my fault!"
The voices continued like a torturous loop and Kai screamed out in frustration. "It wasn't my fault!"
Kai's breath stuttered as the tablet blinked next to her and it buzzed with her alarm. That's what had woken her up, and she rolled over, sweat causing the sheets and her skin to stick to each other. She pulled her legs to the side of the bed, and she rested her elbows on her knees and covered her face with her hands. Her skin was clammy to the touch, and she automatically worked to slow her breathing, breathing in nose, and slowly letting it out. "I'm sorry, Mom." She whispered, the apology said without thinking. The guilt still ate at her like it had when it had first happened. At this point, she figured it would never go away.
There was still a buzzing noise that finally registered in her brain. Right, she hadn't turned off the alarm. She reached out and with a press of the screen, the sound faded and the time stared back at her. There was no going back to sleep, and she knew she needed a shower before the day started.
She stood up and slowly walked to her small bathroom, ignoring the ache in her shoulders and back, and slipped into the shower, allowing the water to wash away the bad memories and the sweat. It wasn't healthy to be sure, but Kai allowed the memories to sink back into the area of her brain she never acknowledged and with that, the thoughts of what today would hold filtered back to the front.
First off, she and Rex had planned to grab caff before tackling whatever the day required of them, and the idea of seeing him made her smile a bit as she rinsed her hair and turned the spray of water off.
She grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her, staring at her reflection for a moment before looking away. Little did she know she had stared at herself for much longer than just a moment, as time sped by the minute. She looked far too tired considering the amount of sleep she'd gotten. But what else could she do? It wasn't like falling asleep would do any good for her right now.
She dried off, and grabbed some clothes out of her small compact closet, and threw them on the bed, dressing one item at a time. On went the comfy good-quality pants, as well as a short-sleeved shirt, that had a jacket slipped on top of it. The colors were soft and neutral, blues and dark browns, and she slid on some shoes, before tying her hair up and grabbing her comm.
The door hissed open, revealing the now familiar grey of the hallway and she stepped out, the door sliding closed behind her.
She easily made her way towards the cafeteria, relying on muscle memory to get her there. That was where one of her small condolences for her bad dream was a waiting; a hot cup of caff. She walked in, and grabbed a tray of food to start the morning. It may not taste that great, but it was calories, and she knew it would be good for her.
She took her tray and full mug and found a table near the edge of the room to settle down onto.
Footsteps approached and she looked up into alert hazel eyes and she felt her lips rise in a crooked smile as she watched Rex walk up. "Good morning, captain. Did you sleep well?" She asked, trying her best to be kind and approachable.
He shook his head as he sat down with his own cup of caff and tray and he tilted his head at her. "How many times do I have to tell you? You don't have to call me Captain, you can call me Rex." He insisted and he settled onto the bench.
She shrugged as she picked at her food, and ate some small bites, swallowing before answering. "Sorry, just slips out without me thinking about it, I guess. I hear ranks all the time, so it comes naturally I suppose." She took a sip of her caff and was looking off to the side when his voice called her back.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Kai asked, as she mentally cursed herself for her struggle to stay alert to the present when she was struggling. Ozan had called it disassociation, and since finding out what the name was of this strange feeling for her, she'd resented it a bit.
"I asked if you were alright. You look…" he paused and tilted his own head again. "you look sad. Is everything alright?"
She internally cursed at how perceptive he was. But then again, she couldn't expect any less from the famous captain of the 501st. Virtually nothing ever escaped his notice.
"Oh, it's nothing. I'm okay." She tried to brush it off with a smile, even if she could feel her skin beginning to crawl. "Just a bad dream. They come and go every once in a while. But it's nothing I can't handle." She tightened her grip on her mug, as her skin began to itch. She really didn't want to have this conversation but sensed it wouldn't be ending anytime soon.
"I'm sorry you had that happen last night. You can talk to me, if you'd like. I'm no stranger to dreams like that." In a bold move that hadn't happened since dinner that night, he laid a hand on hers, and it felt like the skin contact burned to her. All she could focus on was his hand on hers, and the desperate need for him to hold on, but the equally intense urge to rip her hands away. She didn't realize she hadn't answered until his grip tightened. "Kai. Talk to me. You're not responding. What's wrong?" He asked, and his normally stern face looked worried. Why was he worried? Didn't he know she was just fine? She couldn't see how glassy her eyes were as she nodded at him.
"Nothing's wrong. I'm okay." Her voice shook just a touch as she said that and she felt herself tighten at the vulnerable tone.
"Get it together, Kai. You're making a big deal out of nothing. You've had this dream before, and you've handled it just fine. He has other things to worry about, than you and your dreams." Her internal voice lectured her, cold and devoid of warmth. There was just something about his eyes that seemed to cut to the very center of her, and it seemed impossible to ignore him. She had to get herself together and she forced her nails into the palm of her hands until the stinging began to register in her brain.
Warm hands surrounded hers and with strength earned by years of combat and training, he pried her hands open, and if she had been fully aware, the conversation wouldn't have sounded like it was far away. Instead she would have heard Rex give the order to clear both of their trays and sensed when he let go to come around, and have her stand up. She stood robotically and looked up at him, drifting somewhere close to the surface, but still too far away to feel secure.
This hadn't happened in so long. She could logically tell what was going on, and she couldn't help but feel angry. Why wasn't she past this yet? This really wasn't necessarily and it certainly didn't help her solve any problems.
She found herself walking through the door to the commanders private office, and thankfully they were alone. How had they gotten here again? She couldn't help but wonder.
The small luxury officers were allowed in this room was a small couch, more considered to be the size of a loveseat. She would have cracked a small joke, but it was hard pressed to cross her lips right now.
He sat her down and handed her a cup of water, and she could feel how cold it was, through the disposable cup.
"Drink. Get some water in you. You need it." He instructed and she couldn't help but look at his knees as she nodded.
She tipped her head back and let the cool water slide down her throat, and she thought off handedly that this water felt nice.
She set the cup back down, empty now and she grasped at her arms, her nails once again digging into her skin, and Rex slid his gloves off and reached for her.
"Easy, Kai. I want you to hold my hands, okay? I know what's happening, and I can help you, but you need to meet me halfway. Can you squeeze my hands, and try to look at me?" he asked.
This was the one moment he was grateful to any and every possible God in the galaxy that he had helped his own soldiers through this, and had even struggled himself after Teth. It was like digging yourself out of quicksand, where struggling threatened to pull you under even faster. He gently squeezed her hands and encouraged again. "Come on, you're a strong one. Give me a good squeeze."
He heard a small sniff and she squeezed her hands as hard as she could at the moment, resulting in a fairly solid grip on his own.
"Hey, there you go." He complimented her, trying to not let the knot of worry in his chest grow. This felt so different from seeing his men in distress. To them, he was their captain, someone that was in charge of them, responsible for them, and their wellbeing and when they struggled he worried. He wasn't quite sure what he was to her though, not after the evening they'd had in the city. He wasn't her captain, so was he her…friend? Was he something more? He hadn't allowed himself to dwell on the topic. "Tell me what's going on, how are you feeling?" He asked, needing her to answer, to come back.
"I'm okay." She said quietly as he kept squeezing her hands, pulling her into the emotions she didn't want to face, the heartbreak and the guilt.
He sighed and lowered his head for a minute, and then his eyes slid up so he was looking right at her. "Stop telling me you're okay. I know you aren't and you don't have to be." When he said that, her hands began to shake and her shoulders dropped, and for the first time since he had met her, the most broken sob managed to pass her lips.
He had never been trained for a situation like this. Well, perhaps this statement could be amended. He'd been taught to reassure and help civilians, but not someone who made him feel…different. Not when it was her.
His arms immediately pulled her a little closer, and while he thought she'd complain about the hard planes of his armor, her forehead leaned against it, and sobs wracked her body, her breath completely uneven and gasping.
He put a hand on the back on the back of her head, not sure if she was ready to have physical contact beyond that, and when he did that, she muttered something he couldn't understand.
"What was that? Repeat that one more time for me?" he asked, and her hands wrenched away from his to grasp her arms, visibly clenching into her skin and creating red marks as they dragged down. He gently shushed her and grabbed them back, and held them tight. "No, no. Don't do that. I've got you."
This time her sentence was louder. "Please, don't leave me alone. I need you." She cried out softly, and at this point, he knew she wasn't talking to him. Something had happened, something he wasn't privy to, and would never pry about, that had wounded her deeply.
Kai couldn't get the image of her mother out of her head, laying there on the floor, lifeless and still. It was like she was a child again, kneeling next to her, the smell of blaster fire still in the air as she shook her mom's shoulders. "Please, don't leave me alone! I need you!" She cried out and it did nothing. Her mother was still there, unresponsive, and she watched her disappear before her eyes.
She felt a warm pressure at the back of her head though and she reached for the warmth, trying to rip it off. She grabbed onto what felt like a hand, a warm human hand and when she blinked all she could see was white. White with scratched and scored blue paint and she could feel the hand she was holding.
Rex. She was with Rex, after they'd had breakfast. So many sensations were coming back. The lightheadedness from not being able to breathe, the ache in her chest, her eyes, her head. The stinging of her skin, and the buzz of the lights. And his voice. What was he saying to her? He was saying something.
He moved his hand so he could guide her face to the soft portion of his blacks that peeked above his collar, and he pressed her forehead into it, and when he spoke, she could feel the vibrations.
"Come on Kai, try to listen. He's saying something. You don't want to be rude." The voice came back and reprimanded her and she focused.
"Breathe with me okay? Follow my breaths, before you pass out." He teased her gently and she felt his chest rise and fall with her, and she worked hard to follow his lead. Rayfe had done this as well, Ozan too, so this was a familiar pattern to fall into.
She slowly felt her breathing level out with his, and the tears slowed as she wiped at her face and eyes. She sagged against him, feeling worn out and tired, and he hesitantly slid his hand to between her shoulders.
"There you go. That's better. Can you talk to me at all? Do you want to?" He asked, and she shrugged her shoulders.
"I just wish I could have saved someone when I was a kid. Felt like it was my fault somehow, and even after all this time, my dreams won't leave me alone." She confessed, and he pulled her back a bit and she didn't look at him so he gently tipped her head up.
"Listen to me. I haven't known you since you were young. Kriff, I haven't even known you for a full year yet. But I know if you could help someone, you would. You're not like other bounty hunters. You have a good heart in you."
She tightened her grip on him and her lip trembled as he said that, but she knew he wasn't lying. If only she could believe it herself. She took a deep breath, and shakily stood on her feet.
"Thank you. And thanks for…" She gestured to the couch. "this. I really do appreciate it. I think I'm going to train though, if that's alright with you."
Rex wanted to go with her, make sure she was okay for the rest of the day, but he might just have to have his men make sure she was alright instead. He checked his comm and nodded. "I wish I could come with you, but I have a meeting with the generals." He put a hand on her shoulder, and smiled at her, a small but sincere smile, one that lifted his lips. "You're not alone, alright? Not here." With that, he turned and walked to the door and with a nod, exited the room, leaving her to collect herself before she continued, and she stood for a moment, eyes closed and just breathing.
When she opened her eyes again, the bright lights came back and her head still hurt, but something had changed in her chest. It still ached but it didn't feel as empty. She wasn't alone, she repeated to herself, hearing Rex say those words. She didn't know how to rely on others fully yet, but she wasn't alone. Maybe she could just start with that.