AN: This is another heart-breaking chapter. So much emotion. So I hope you are prepared.
Levi
The smell of baby shit fills the room as Historia changes Abigail's diaper and holy fuck… It's worse than some of the smells that used to come from the underground sewers.
Not even I can keep a straight face as I resist the urge to vomit all over my boots.
Disgusting.
I promised I would help out a little more since I've been such an ass these past few days, but like hell will I be cleaning any shitty asses.
Historia stands over a baby changing table in Baby Abigail's room. The little spoiled princess even gets her own allocated room at the orphanage since she's the only baby present. There are rows of unoccupied cribs in the beautiful, sunlit room, one adorned with childish pictures of rainbows and clouds.
Abigail babbles adorably as Historia sings her a sweet song, and the baby's mesmerized by her voice. I'm mesmerized by her voice. Who knew she had such a good set of pipes?
How on earth is Historia even real? At times it really does feel as if she escaped out of the pages of a book.
The young queen is a natural with babies, and it really does warm your heart, especially since she was denied this very attention herself. I bet Historia had to change her own ass as a baby while her mother was off reading somewhere.
Tch, that Alma…
But I have no doubt in my mind that Historia will make an excellent mother. She knows what it is to be denied a mother's love. So she will give it back and so much more...
"And then when we're done cleaning up your stinky poop, Captain Levi is going to help me tie your diapee…"
Wait, what?
"Excuse me?" I say.
"That's right, Captain Levi... We can't very well let little Abigail crawl around naked now. Her cute wittle butt will get cold..."
I grit my teeth. "I am not changing a..."
One frosty look was all it took from Historia, and now I peel my back away from the wall, helping her fold that white piece of cloth around that baby's ass.
I know what she's trying to do, but it won't work. She won't make me change my mind...
Historia holds the cloth in place while I fasten it with a pin, and fuck... this is dangerous work. That prick is pretty sharp after all, and now I have newfound respect for all mothers out there.
How do they do this multiple times a day?
Finally, I step back from the changing table, wiping the sweat off my forehead. Not even fighting titans was this rough.
Historia beams down at Abigail, lifting her up from the table. "All clean!"
The baby squeals, waving her chubby little arms around as Historia blows a raspberry onto her cheek, and despite myself, a ghost of a smile crosses my lips.
One day, when war is no longer lingering on the horizon... I could give her a baby. Maybe.
"I know you're smiling..." Historia says, and my mouth falls flat at her accusation.
"No I wasn't."
Historia glances up at me, grinning from ear to ear, and we share a small moment. Shit. Let's hope she didn't hear my thoughts just now. That's the last thing I need.
The sound of a carriage pulls up outside and Historia gasps. "They're here."
A sinking sensation fills my stomach. Abigail's being adopted today, and once again we have to say goodbye to a child.
But it's for the best. We have to let them go sometimes. Yet Historia still holds onto that precious, golden-haired baby like she's her lifeline.
She doesn't want to let go. But she must.
I step forth. "Time to go, Historia."
The queen holds onto Abigail that little bit longer, sniffing her blonde curls, and finally, she meets my eyes, a determined look inside her sparkling ocean blues. "All right."
…
We all stand on the porch outside the farmhouse, watching Baby Abigail leaving inside the arms of her new mother and father.
The young couple fell in love the moment they laid eyes on her, and not long after Historia led them away to her 'office' to sign some paperwork.
Just a few weeks it took for her to find a family in the end. The young couple—who are even younger than I am—are going to make excellent parents, I'm sure. Their story is a heart-breaking one; the woman can't conceive a child, and the man loves his wife so much that he promised he would give her a baby no matter what.
And now they've got her at last. Not that I believe in fate, but I like to think that she had a helping hand in bringing them together, and I'm sure they will all live amazing lives.
I just feel for the older kids. I noticed the heartbroken looks on all of their faces back when little Krista was adopted, and it really is a shame.
Some of these kids are pushing on ten, and it gives me a heavy heart. As a former unloved brat myself, I feel it even harder. And for once I just wish that someone would take a chance on an older child. They still have a lot of love to give.
No doubt they are loved by the queen, but they deserve their own family just as much as Abigail or Krista.
Historia is beside herself with tears, and I close my eyes as I pick up on her grief. It weighs me down as we both watch that young mother carrying her new baby girl away—something Historia yearns for herself.
I feel like the worst person who ever lived to deny her that experience, but I still stand by what I said. At least I think I do. I... just don't know anymore. Sometimes, I think I do want to give her a child, but then other times I don't. But whenever I saw her holding and playing with that precious baby girl, my frozen heart thawed.
Lately, I've been wondering what it would be like to have her eyes on a little version of me. Hopefully, our child would inherit her looks. No woman in her right mind would want a baby with my miserable, glum face.
Having children has never crossed my mind—although I always used protection when I lived in the underground in fear of getting some poor girl pregnant. And when I first joined the Scouts, it just seemed unreasonable to even consider starting a family.
It's an unwritten code of the Survey Corps: either fight the titans and pave the way for Humanity's future, or live a humble, easy life within the walls and start a family.
We're the only regiment who have to choose between the two extremes. The MPs and the Garrison have the luxury of choosing the military and starting a family, and many of them do, in fact, start families. Nile Dok is one of those lucky people with his three daughters. Those kids are less likely to be told one day that their Daddy didn't survive his recent expedition beyond the walls...
No little kid needs to find out that their dad was eaten alive by a titan. It was bad enough having to tell a parent that their child never survived one of Erwin's expeditions, just like the time I had to tell Petra's father. And I will never forget the look of betrayal on his face. He blamed me for her death after all, just like I blamed myself.
After all, I should have been looking after her. She was in my squad as I had taken her under my wing, and now she's dead.
"You... you were supposed to keep her safe..." he'd said. "And now… now she's gone. My… my little girl… my darling little girl…"
Shit. I hate it when I feel like this. Old memories start to resurface, and it took everything in me just to bury that one deep away.
"Levi? Are... are you okay?" a tender voice asks me now, breaking me away from my painful memories, and I look to the queen.
Historia's blue eyes bore deep into my soul. I don't know if she can see my thoughts via our shared Path, but judging by her expression she must know that I'm remembering my dark past.
It's funny to think that Historia was with us in that expedition under the guise of Krista Lenz. I don't recall what part of the formation she was in, but I do remember her face amongst the fresh-faced recruits of the 104th. She always stood out as the little blonde who hung around with Ymir.
I wasn't that much of an asshole back then; I did take the time to memorize the faces of each new recruit, and I still do to this day, even if I don't formally introduce myself. It's the least I can do since they're sacrificing a lot for the greater good.
But the 104th I did take the time to memorize—their faces, not so much their names. They were different from previous years' recruits because they had actually seen hell. It was not long after the battle of Trost, so I knew that those kids had what it takes to see it through Erwin's expedition.
Once, I overheard Gunther and Eld measuring up the 104th when they were still recruits (Sans Eren), guessing who would be the most likely to survive. They picked Reiner Braun first, of course, but they obviously had no idea he was the armoured titan back then. Then Mikasa came second since no one can miss that Ackerman flair. Then Bertoldt, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Ymir, Armin, and finally, Krista...
Sad to think that all those baby-faced recruits made it home while those two died in the end, but I remember exactly what they had said about Krista—I mean Historia.
"A real shame too. Such a cutie..."
That was when I intervened because I know they were ruling her out because of her smaller stature. Height is irrelevant to one's strength. Look at me. I'm not exactly a titan either...
Then there was the time we found out about Krista Lenz's real identity from Pastor Nick, and when Armin described Krista to me and Hange, I knew exactly who he was talking about.
So don't go around thinking that the queen was invisible to me before she became relevant in our quest to save humankind. She always was relevant. And still is.
She blinks at me in wonder. "Wait... you actually remember my face from when I first joined the Scouts? I... never knew I stood out so much to you. In fact, I always assumed one had to earn the right until they were acknowledged by the great Captain Levi. I'm... surprised you knew that I existed. I'm... flattered..."
Dang. She is reading my thoughts. I'm normally good at hiding my feelings from her, but my emotions are in shambles right now, so my guard is down.
My best bet is to act indifferent. I'm good at that.
"Yeah, so? I remember a lot of things, Your Majesty. Don't go around thinking that you're anything special now."
The smile doesn't leave her eyes, despite her overwhelming sadness. "Did you know that I said hello to you once in the hallway? Yet you completely blanked me."
Oh, I remember... I was off finding Hange once at Head Quarter's and Krista just happened to be walking down the hall in the opposite direction. She froze up and said "hello", but I decided to ignore her and continue on my way. I may have even given her a look of contempt.
I was never the most socially graceful.
Her eyes narrow, and now she places her hands on her hips. "You do remember. You could have at least said hello back to me."
I look her straight in her angry blue eyes, finally saying what I should have all those years ago. "Hello. There, happy? Now you can sleep easier at night."
She shakes her head in disapproval then turns to look back at the carriage. The new family disappears inside, and now they drive off down the road.
Historia releases a shuddery breath. "I... hate it when they leave."
I regard her from the corner of my eye, watching how her emotions betray her big, blue irises. Her emotions project onto me, but truth be told, I was already feeling like shit. "Yeah... me too. They... become a part of you."
Historia gazes at me in surprise, as if it was the last thing she expected me to say, and now she lifts her hand tentatively toward my shoulder, my body tensing in anticipation of her touch. But her fingers barely graze the material of my jacket when one of the nannies comes rushing to her side.
"Your Grace, come quick. Thomas and Zachary are fighting again."
Historia's eyes widen, and now she puts on her mom hat as she follows the nanny into the house, leaving me alone on the porch with the kids. Many of them have dispersed, but a few do linger as they watch that carriage vanishing in the distance.
One of those kids is Tilly. She's come a long way since the day I first met her, lingering inside doorways like a ghost, but it will be some time before she's ready to be adopted. Whenever potential new parents visit the orphanage, she shies away, and now my heart cracks for a very different reason.
I can see it in her big, onyx eyes that she wants a family of her own, and I wish I knew the right thing to say.
The other kids vanish at last, and now she's the only child left on the porch as she can't take her eyes off the road. Everyone has gone inside to investigate the fight between Thomas and Zachary, and the little brats make such a ruckus (it's like listening to Eren and Jean again).
All the while I can hear Historia breaking them apart. "Hey, that's enough you two. Thomas, no kicking! Zachary, no biting!"
I give a small "tch", casting my eyes on the road again. The carriage has finally gone—Baby Abigail has left our lives for good.
Tilly still doesn't tear her gaze away from the road, and I've never met such a haunted pair of eyes. With a heavy sigh, I place a hand on her small shoulder. "Time to come inside, Tilly."
Finally, she pulls her attention away from the road, looking up at me at last, and my breath catches in my throat.
Inside her black, infinite eyes, I see a reflection of myself—small, ragged, and starved—and I forget how to breathe.
I'm seeing a glimpse of my own wretched childhood inside her big, reflective orbs after all because I know her pain. The pain of feeling lonely and unloved
Her lip shakes, and I have no idea what to do as the small child bears her heart to me. "D-do... do you think that I could ever be adopted one day too, Captain Levi?"
Something inside me dies when I hear her small, fragile voice. It's written all over her after all—self-doubt.
Tilly doesn't believe that she will ever be adopted. Yet she still clings onto hope, trusting that I have the right thing to say.
As if I have all the answers.
So I try my darn hardest to remain poker-faced, choosing my next words carefully lest I break a little girl's heart.
After all, these words may stay with her forever.
"Yes," I reply, my voice cold and detached. "I believe that there is a family out there for you, Tilly..."
My words sound so empty since I'm not so good at expressing myself or knowing how to comfort someone when they're down. Kenny found me on the brink of death after all, then raised me up to be a killer.
I'm not a shoulder to cry on.
Tilly shakes her head, jutting out her lip. "N-no... no one will ever want to adopt me... b-because... because I'm not as cute or pretty as baby Abigail or Krista after all..."
The tears fall at last, and now all I can do is watch as the small child bawls her eyes out. Hell... why does a five-year-old even care about what she looks like?
"T-Tilly..." I whisper, my hardened resolve shattering piece by piece as her whimpers coil around my heart.
"I'm... t-too ugly after—"
The child doesn't get to finish her sentence as I drop to my knees, taking her small shoulders in my hands, and now she gives me her full attention. Her dark eyes widen as I see my adult reflection inside her onyx, and she's terrified. Yet even if I may frighten her now with my ferocity, I need to make her see what I see...
The most precious child who has ever lived.
"Tilly. Don't you say that word ever again. You are far from ugly... You are the most beautiful child to have ever graced this cruel, undeserving world. And do you want to know why? It is because you are strong. You are a fighter, a true soldier... And that is what true beauty looks like. Don't ever forget that."
She watches me spellbound as my words settle inside those big, haunted eyes, and she truly is wise beyond her years. For a moment I see an older version of herself remembering these very words in the not too distant future, and I know it with certainty now.
Tilly will survive... She will see through this ugly war just like any member of the Survey Corps because she's a true soldier. The best one I know.
Now the vision of her older self turns at last, and the Wings of Freedom are displayed proudly on her back as she charges into battle, and what do you know...
She's going to be a Scout. Just like her daddy Levi.
My eyes expand as reality finally sinks in. All this time... I was already a father. A father to Tilly.
It seems I really did take this little girl under my wing after all as she's going to grow up to be just like me.
She will even fight like me too, and I've seen those moves before.
That's how every Ackerman fights.
Hold on... could she be...?
Tilly throws her arms around me, crying into my neck, and I pat her back. That's when the sound of thundering hooves catches my attention, and I pull away from the child, rising to my feet.
A soldier baring the military emblem stops before the porch, and now my heart plummets to the deepest depths of my soul.
The soldier climbs down from his horse, giving me a heart salute. "Captain Levi. You have been summoned by Premier Darius Zackly. He wishes to speak with you urgently."
Urgently?
The door opens behind me, and now Historia appears by my side, and I can't bring myself to look at her.
Instead, I swallow a lump that's lodged in my throat, descending the steps of the porch, and now I say, "Find the stable hand and tell him to prepare my horse. Looks like I've got a meeting with the commander-in-chief..."
Like I have a choice. This sucks.
Before I even make it to the bottom step, a hand grips my shoulder, and I turn back, peering into the sad, ocean blue eyes of Historia.
The sorrow is all too evident on her beautiful, heart-shaped face as something dies inside me.
We're... going to be separated.
"Please... please don't leave me..." she whispers inside my head.
I close my eyes as everything crashes around me. I wasn't prepared for this...
AN: As I said, it's heartbreaking. It's killing me to write. I just want these two to have a happy ending.
I love Tilly and Levi moments the most. I never realised either that she had already become his kid, and it's so sweet.
Nile did lose his life in the end, and Marie and the girls will go on without him 😥
Stay tuned. I'm starting to find this a struggle to write since it is so heartbreaking, so please tell me how you are liking this story so far. Are you intrigued to read more? Despite how sad it is?
CartoonPrincessSigningOff.