Chapter 4: Are they my friends now? (Shelter From the Rain)

"Why did you ignore my orders?"

There was only silence in the command vehicle. Shinji was still in his plugsuit and smelled of drying LCL, having been retrieved from the scene of the battle just about half an hour earlier. He was looking down at the floor. Misato, for her part, was leaning against the wall, not at all happy about what had just happened. She walked in front of him and sat down.

"Shinji. I'm asking you a question as your commanding officer. Why. Did you. Ignore. My. Orders?"

She was trying the best she could to hold back the anger in her voice. She couldn't take it any longer when she heard him softly chuckle to himself. She gripped him by the top of the head and forced him to look her in the eyes.

"YOU THINK THIS IS ALL SOME KIND OF GAME?! This isn't virtual training! This is REAL LIFE. YOUR insubordination endangered countless lives! I expected better of you… What do you have to say for yourself?"

"You want to know why I disobeyed you? Okay. I'll tell you." He still had a soft, pitiful grin on his face. "Because I didn't want to take orders from a hypocrite."

"Hypocrite?! What are you-?!"

"You ordered me to retreat. Weren't you the one who told me once 'I mustn't run away?' Was that all just some lie to make me do what Father wanted?"

Misato was dumbfounded. Then, as he kept speaking, it began to dawn on her what her advice from that day had done to him. It was her fault that this mess happened.

"I guess it doesn't really matter. You're right. I should've obeyed you. I can't let my personal feelings interfere with my mission. Even if I killed the Misato I knew, even if I killed the one person at Nerv who cared about my well-being, I can't let that get in my way."

Killed?! What the hell was he talking about? She was still here. Unless… the Angel…

"I'll pilot Unit-01. I'll fight back against the Angels, and against my Father who's trying to kill me with them. I'm not going to let them bully me any longer."

These were his true feelings. Behind the vacancy in his eyes, she could feel the pain in his voice as well as her own eyes starting to water.

"At least if I do die, I-"

"STOP! Just… stop…" Her walls finally broke as she burst into tears and held onto him for dear life. "I'm here, Shinji… I'm alive! I'm alive and I'm sorry and I never want to hurt you again and I…"

Shinji broke down crying again, too. He returned her embrace and held her tightly as if she was his real mother. "I don't want to hurt you again either… I need you… Misato…"

"I… I need you too, Shinji… I don't want to be alone… I don't…"

"Just tell me something, please. When is it okay to run away?"

"That's… not something I think I can answer easily." She thought about it some more, and sighed. "You took a huge, huge risk today. If it didn't work, well…"

"I understand now. I guess what I should do more often at times like those is think about the consequences harder. That's what you intended to tell me in the first place as you waited here for me, right?"

"Right. I'm glad that you… that we've learned something from this."

"I am too. I can't thank you enough."

They were still clinging together when they made it back to Nerv HQ.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015 (cont.)

Misato was already in the command vehicle waiting for me. We …came to an understanding, and made up. Turns out the issue of whether or not I should run away is one that needs more careful consideration than I thought. It's not the act itself that's the problem, but the lasting consequences for myself and everyone around me. I'll make sure I always remember that.

When we got back to Nerv HQ, we got ourselves cleaned off and gave the debriefing before returning home. We just grabbed take-out for dinner on the way, because we were both honestly too exhausted to do a whole lot else for the evening. With that said, now might be a good place to cut off, because whether I like it or not, I still have school tomorrow.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Another ordinary day. Another day not to take for granted, because I don't know if it'll be the last.

Well… There was something noteworthy that happened before school. I was walking there that morning, minding my own business, when Touji and Kensuke from yesterday showed up to greet me.

They thanked me for saving them. Actually, they also sought me out because Touji wanted me to punch him back as penance for accosting me over his sister. A bit weird, but he seemed really serious about it. So I figured "alright, if that's what he needs" and gave him what he wanted. I feel bad admitting this, but it felt kind of satisfying to hit him like that.

We spoke some more. They've apparently had to see a lot of classmates off as they left Tokyo-3, because it was getting less safe. What's more, they want to try and help me too if they can, after seeing the hell I went through piloting. I don't know exactly what they have in mind, but… the more time I spent with them, the more I liked being around them. I guess I could call them my friends now? It certainly doesn't sound like a bad thing.

So there you have it. I guess I have two new friends now. I'll have to ask Misato sometime if they can come over to play video games or something.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Must say I wasn't expecting to be competing with my own legal guardian for attention tonight.

As I may have mentioned in an earlier entry, I was thinking about inviting Touji and Kensuke over to hang out sometime. I told Misato about it; she was quite happy that I was finally starting to make some friends at school, so she was as onboard with the idea as me. With a little more pulling of strings on their part, we agreed to meet up here at the apartment this afternoon for dinner, video games, and a movie. However, it looks as though they stayed largely for Misato. I could tell they were smitten with her, especially Kensuke, being the big military nut he is.

First we played video games on the PS2. We played through a few of Misato's music CDs in Vib-Ribbon 2, as well as some Tetris and Winning Eleven. Although I didn't get to play as much as Touji and Kensuke did, since I wanted to make dinner, it was all still pretty fun. However, those two got very competitive when pitted against each other for some reason, to the point where we ended up eating a little late. I guess they were trying to impress Misato?

Dinner was probably the most important part of the evening. Naturally, Misato dominated the conversation, although I did get some compliments on my work. Touji and Kensuke asked her all sorts of questions about her job and living with me. And, of course, about having a penguin with claws for a pet. But I learned something very curious. As Misato and I talked about how much closer we've gotten over the past several days and the subject of my birth mother came up, the other two mentioned that their mothers were dead, too. Who'd have expected that, huh? Guess there's something else we have in common.

Finally, we were going to watch The Hunt for Red October, which I'd rented thinking the other two would like it. However, they decided they'd rather continue jousting for Misato's affection in Winning Eleven, and by the time they were done it was time for them to leave. A shame, too. I heard that movie was really good.

I enjoyed the evening, even though there were some unexpected developments. It's too bad our school has classes on Saturdays. But I guess moments like these are valuable because of how fleeting they are. It's certainly something to think about as I drift off to sleep.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

I won't lie. I almost cried myself while writing Misato's redone post-Shamshel confrontation with Shinji. The "episode title" for this alternate version of Episode 4 was originally "I Wish it Would Rain Down" (after the Phil Collins song of the same name) to reference the original Japanese episode title as well as hint to Shinji's feelings during the confrontation. However, when my original Chapter 3 draft was split into the finalized Chapters 3 and 4, the title became less relevant to Chapter 4 as a whole given what happens after the confrontation.

The outline is currently completed up to Episode 8. My original intention was to complete the outline all the way to End of Evangelion before resuming chapter writing, but the AsuShin vs. ReiShin conundrum continued to weigh heavily on my mind for a while. How the coming chapters involving Rei go will have a strong influence on how the rest of the fic and the ensuing pairings will be written. Therefore, I've decided to start chapter writing again at least up to the Jet Alone incident to get a better idea of how Shinji's relationships with these two will develop.

Special thanks to Evageeks for help with canon fact-checking (including timeline planning), and to my pre-readers for pre-reading the chapters released so far. Thanks especially to Argent-of-Cintria, whose consulting will prove to be valuable for the coming chapters.