Chapter 5: What's up with her? (Beyond the Heart)

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

This morning I accompanied Misato to an autopsy of Shamshel's corpse. I guess you could say I was a little uncomfortable; I still remember taking my anger towards Misato out on it and the way it made me feel. Even so, I tried my best not to dwell on it for too long. It was all in the past now. On the upside, Dr. Akagi was pretty excited that I was able to get her a nearly perfect Angel sample. Good for her, I guess? They weren't able to do a full analysis on it, but there were a few details they were able to glean from it nevertheless. The most important one was that their DNA is apparently extremely similar to ours; the rest are hard for me to remember now.

While Misato and Dr. Akagi were talking, I overheard my Father and Deputy Commander Fuyutsuki talking near a piece of Shamshel's core. I peeked out the door just long enough to notice Father's gloveless hands covered in burns. Misato and Dr. Akagi caught me, and they took the opportunity to explain how he got them. And how Rei was so banged up when I arrived at Nerv.

They were doing an activation test with Rei's Eva, Unit-00. At the last moment, something happened that caused it to go berserk, kinda like how my Unit-01 did against Sachiel. They managed to cut off its power, but as it was still thrashing around the test chamber, it forcibly ejected Rei's entry plug, which violently collided with the walls and broke some of her bones. Father was worried enough about her that he entered the chamber himself to open her still-burning hot plug with his bare hands and get her out. Thus he got the burns, and a new pair of glasses too since he broke his old ones in the process.

Something about it didn't add up. This was the same person who tried to make Rei sortie in Unit-01 against Sachiel even though she was too hurt to do anything? I get now that there would've been no other option had I not chosen to pilot, but… He sounded so callous then. Does he really care for her that much? And if so, what would make him show more concern for her safety in that moment than he has for me my entire life? What she had that I didn't…

This question occupied me for the rest of the morning at school. Eventually I determined that only she or Father would know the answers to that. Rei would be the easier of the two for me to approach, but even she seemed to act closed off in her own little world sometimes. She didn't appear to have any friends that I knew of, either.

My thoughts had largely drifted to her loneliness by Phys Ed. I found myself staring at her sitting by the pool fence as I waited my turn for basketball, and didn't even realize I was doing it until Touji spoke up. He and Kensuke believed I was trying to get a look at her "naughty bits" or something like that. I denied it (it wasn't like I could see more than a little bit anyway) and told them what was really on my mind. They weren't sure why she was so lonely either, though she had been like that since she transferred to our school.

After school I had a sync test in Unit-01. My sync rate this time was 45.3%, which was four points up from when I first went out in it. However, that wasn't really the important part. As things were wrapping up, out the corner of my eye I could see Rei and Father talking to each other. I zoomed in a bit, and I could see that they were both smiling. So maybe there was some truth to Dr. Akagi's story after all. The old questions from the autopsy and school returned to me. If only I could find a good opportunity to ask Rei about these things…

Well, as luck would have it, one may have just fallen right into my lap. Dr. Akagi came over for dinner tonight, and she has a favor to ask of me. She needs me to drop by Rei's apartment tomorrow to give her a new security card, since her old one expires that day in addition to her having another activation test with Unit-00 to participate in. I must admit it's all making me a bit nervous. But however I feel about her and everything that'll be going on, I just want her to turn out okay. I hope that isn't wrong of me considering just how little I really know about her.

Shinji wouldn't be able to write in his journal again until the day after next. By the time he got back to it, his mind was racing with memories and feelings begging to be put down somewhere. He had gotten quite a bit more than he bargained for when he went out that morning intending to learn more about Rei Ayanami, his fellow pilot. On one hand, some of what he got was utterly horrible. On the other hand, some of it was very, very pleasant for him.

Thursday, August 20 (R)

What a crazy couple of days it's been. Like I did with Sachiel I'll start from the beginning and write for yesterday first.

I headed to the address Dr. Akagi gave me as soon as I had gotten my things for the day ready. At first when I got to the apartment complex where Rei lived, I thought there had to have been some kind of mistake. For one thing, almost all of the buildings looked like they'd been abandoned for years. To call it "creepy" would be an understatement; as I walked towards her building I was afraid somebody might jump out and mug me. The only other noise I could hear was the slow, distant, pounding rhythm of demolition vehicles still further ahead of me. With every step I wanted more and more to get the hell out of there ASAP. As always, knowing that Rei still needed me was the only thing stopping me from doing so. Little did I know the walk to her place would be far from the last horror I experienced that day.

Eventually I found myself by her front door. This was it, alright. But it made no sense. Why would she be living alone here, the only person inhabiting this derelict apartment complex? Knowing that would have to wait until later. I rang her doorbell twice. Nothing; it didn't even work. Next I knocked. Also nothing. As my curiosity grew more morbid I unconsciously felt my hand pull down on the door handle. To my surprise, it opened. She never locked her door. Even then, not a single sound. I figured I might as well try to look for her while I was still there, so I cautiously entered.

What greeted me was an assault on the senses that made Misato's apartment where I lived look like a luxury penthouse in comparison. All the surfaces were an unfriendly, dull shade of gray. The floor was absolutely filthy; as I found out later, she wore her shoes inside. The kitchen equipment looked just as disused as in any other home in the complex. In the bedroom, the only furnishings were a bed with a lamp attached, a nightstand, a chair, and a mini-fridge. But the worst part, the worst part was the stench of dried blood that permeated the room and made me gag at first. It was coming mainly from a box of discarded, bloody bandages sitting by the fridge. In addition to that, even her pillow was covered in bloodstains for some reason I don't even wish to think about. Was she not aware of just what an inconceivable mess of a place she lived in?

I started looking around some more and noticed a broken pair of glasses on the nightstand with a couple of books. These must've been Father's. I went to examine them, wanting to know in that brief moment how he may have seen the world. I had barely started to look through them after unfolding them when I heard a curtain open out of the blue like there was a ghost behind me. I turned around and saw Rei herself, the reason I'd thrown myself into danger no less than three times now, staring me down whilst naked as the day she was born except for a towel covering her front. Contrary to my expectations, she immediately started for me. Thinking I'd upset her by messing with one of her personal belongings, I quickly folded the glasses back up and put them back on the nightstand. She stopped in place for a moment, then immediately turned away from me and went to put on the clothes lying on her bed. It was as if I wasn't even there. (In hindsight, I should've known something was up when I had seen them there.)

"What were you doing with those?" she asked me, breaking the silence. I told her exactly why I picked them up; I wanted to know how Father saw. At that moment I also remembered why I had come in the first place, and tried my best to tell her I'd been sent to give her her new security card.

Rei and where she lived could not have contrasted each other more severely as far as being easy on the eyes went. It was hard for me to concentrate as she put on her school uniform right in front of me, totally unperturbed by my presence. It was hard to see her well at Phys Ed yesterday, but now I could admire her with a view as clear as day. Her legs, her waist, her back, her …everything else. The sort of delicate grace with which they all moved in tandem. I thought she was pretty before, but …wow. She looked just like one of those Greek sculptures in one of the books Mr. Okamoto had. Except she was alive. I think there was a story in Greek mythology about a sculpture of a woman that came to life for her artist. What was it called again? Something like "Pig-Melon"? Maybe I should stop myself here and get back to what happened.

"Those glasses are special to me. Do not damage them further," she suddenly added as she was putting on her shirt. The show was over and I had to return to reality. As she put the glasses in a case to take with her, I stopped her before she could leave to give her the new card. We then left the apartment together to head to Nerv HQ.

I had lots of questions to ask her on the way. I don't really wanna describe the back-and-forth in full detail here, so I'll just say what I asked her, and a bit of what she asked me in return.

On the way to the train station:
Me: "So, uh… Didn't you feel kind of weird changing clothes in front of me like that?"
Rei: "Weird?"
Me: "Yeah… Like, uncomfortable. Weren't you afraid I might …do something bad to you?"
Rei: "No."
Me: "You weren't?"
Rei: "We are both pilots. You are an ally. The commander trusts in you. So I trust in you too."

On the train to Nerv HQ:
Me: "Doesn't living in that apartment make you feel nervous or scared?"
Rei: "No."
Me: "Why not?"
Rei: "It is familiar."
Me: "Familiar? How long have you lived there?"
Rei: "I don't know."
Me: "Huh. Can you not afford a better place? Come to think of it, how do you pay the rent? I know Miss Misato has to pay for me and her to live in our place."
Rei: "The commander chose this place for me. He pays for it. It provides me with shelter."

I tried to remain calm in front of her as fury welled up within me. Father was the reason she lived somewhere so dreadful? Was he such a cheapskate that he couldn't give her a place that wasn't going to be demolished? What exactly was he doing with her? I decided it would be better to change the subject before I exploded.

On the escalator going down to the plugsuit changing rooms:
Me: "Umm… You have another activation test today, right?"
Rei: "Yes."
Me: "I hope it goes well this time."
Rei: "…"
Me: "Aren't you scared of piloting Unit-00 again?"
Rei: "Why should I be?"
Me: "I heard you were seriously hurt in the last test… I was wondering if you were okay."
Rei: "…You're the commander's son, correct?"
Me: "Yeah."
Rei: "Don't you trust your father's work?"
Me: "Of course not! Not in a father like him!"

When I said that, she slapped me! Clearly she thought more of him than I did, even despite everything he did to her. But why?

Me: "H-hey! What was that for?!"
Rei: "Your words displeased me. You should trust him."
Me: "Why should I? He doesn't really care about me! He wants to kill me! And he's using you as bait for me! He knows I can't stand seeing you in danger. He has to!"
Rei: "Do you truly believe that?"
Me: "YES! What do you see in him, anyway? Why do you like him so much?"
Rei: "He saved me during the accident. He cares for me."
Me: "Cares for you?! Even though he makes you live in such a terrible place? Even though he makes you pilot the Eva?"
Rei: "It is good that he gives me shelter. It is good that he allows me to pilot the Eva."
Me: "…Good?… What's so… good about those things?"
Rei: "There is good in everything. It simply has to be found."

Her last few words left me speechless. Good in everything? I guess if there's one thing she wasn't lacking in, it was optimism. But still… Father had to be manipulating her somehow. She deserved so much better than what she was getting from him.

We reached the bottom of the escalator and she told me goodbye as she went into the lockers to change into her plugsuit. I wondered how she saw me now, and I hoped I didn't make her hate me. I had no more business there, so I went to find Misato so I could watch the activation test with her and tell her what I learned.

Good in everything… Was that really true?

AUTHOR NOTES:

Special thanks to Evageeks for help with canon fact-checking (including timeline planning), and to my pre-readers for examining the chapters released so far. Thanks especially to Argent-of-Cintria (Lord-Argent-fourth-of-his-name), whose consulting will prove to be highly useful for the coming chapters. If you're looking for a solid AsuShin read, I recommend checking out his story, A Strange Duet, which you can also find here on FF.

EDIT (11/13/2021): Made some slight edits since this is another retroactively-written chapter. I really should've written this and Chapter 6 at the same time.