Chapter 6: Do I truly love her? (Confrontation)

Rei's plugsuit tightened snugly around her body. Her activation test with Unit-00 was about to begin in only a few minutes and she was just wrapping up preparations.

She took out Commander Ikari's broken glasses that she'd brought with her as a sort of good luck charm and gazed at them. She was not terribly superstitious and had no reason to believe they would protect her from harm, but in spite of this having them on her person made her feel more comfortable. The commander was, after all, the closest thing she had to a real parent. She knew that she had not been created like a typical human being with two parents would have, but that wasn't important. What mattered was that she had a purpose, something to distract her from the uncertainties in her mind, and that he would be there every step of the way to help her fulfill it.

She remembered how he saved her following the previous, failed test. That made her happy. But the longer she looked at his glasses, the more she couldn't shake an odd feeling coming over her. …Pilot Ikari.

"He doesn't really care about me! He wants to kill me! And he's using you as bait for me! He knows I can't stand seeing you in danger. He has to!"

It was illogical for the commander to want to kill him. More pilots and more Evas would make the Angels more manageable. Pilot Ikari, Commander Ikari, and herself all had the same goal of saving humanity from them. What's more, both Ikaris expressed a desire to protect her from harm. There was no need for animosity between them.

She then remembered parts of her earlier conversation with the other pilot, regarding where she lived and her getting dressed in front of him. Was there something wrong with the way she lived? Was she being deceived somehow?

This was not the time for thinking about such things. With discipline befitting a soldier she quickly put it all out of her mind as she walked to the testing chamber.

Thursday, August 20, 2015 (R) (cont.)

I eventually found Misato in the hallway next to the activation test chamber and told her everything I saw this morning. At first she thought I was pulling her leg, so I had to remind her that Rei's safety is something I take very seriously. I want to do whatever I can to get her out of that glorified cemetery before it's too late, to anywhere that's better than where she lives now. She finally agreed to accompany me there on another trip as soon as we were off the clock before making any further decisions on the matter. She trusted me, but threatened to take away my music player and my cello for a week in the unlikely event I was lying. Understandable. The only other thing I needed to ask of her was to bring a gun, just in case we needed it.

After our talk, there was good and bad news. Good news was, the activation test was a success. Bad news was, another Angel was on its way to Tokyo-3. Impeccable timing, am I right?

Since Unit-00 couldn't be readied quickly enough, I sortied in Unit-01 again to face it. As soon as I surfaced, before I could even move let alone see what the Angel looked like, everything around me became burning hot. I was told after the fact that it shot me with an intense particle beam.

The pain… The pain, the pain, dear God the pain…

I had no injuries when I came to, but while I was still out there my entire body - inside and outside - felt like it was on fire. It may well have been the most physically torturous experience I've ever had to endure in my life. I don't even think my writing in this journal can adequately describe it.

I cried out for Misato to save me. I then lost consciousness.

Shinji was awoken by the sound of a door being slid open and a cart being rolled in. Once again he found himself awakening in a hospital room in a gown after a fight with an Angel had gone awry. He had no idea what was going on, but what was certain was that he was somehow physically unhurt after feeling like he was burning to ashes just a few moments ago. He turned his head to the side a little and saw Rei behind the cart with a meal.

"I am here to brief you on the schedule for Operation Yashima, to begin at 00:00 hours tomorrow," Rei informed him in a perfectly businesslike manner. "Pilots Ikari and Ayanami will assemble at the cages at 17:30 today. At 18:00, Units-01 and 00 will activate. At 18:05, they will move out. At 18:30, they will arrive at the temporary base at Mount Futago. They will stand by until they receive further orders. The operation will begin the following morning, as soon as the date changes."

"Thank you," he told her as she tossed him a new plugsuit and drew his attention to the food she delivered to him. He would be going out in the Eva for another shot at the Angel. There was no problem with that; he was confident Misato would have devised a plan to take it down more effectively, one he'd actually follow through with this time. But now, Rei would be coming with him too.

"I have a question. Do you… have to pilot with me?"

"Yes. Those are my orders."

"There's no way you can stay behind?"

"None that I am aware of. Why are you asking me this?"

"…I don't want you to go out there, Rei. I don't want you to be put through the same hell I was."

"But I must."

"Rei, I was being boiled alive out there! You can't possibly have any idea of… of…" He was at a loss for words. Even thinking about what happened to him still hurt.

"You are correct. I do not. Regardless, I must."

"Why? Why do you say you must?"

"I was selected as First Child to defend humanity from the Angels. That is my duty as a pilot, just as it is yours. Would you have me abandon my duty?"

Abandon her duty? Shinji then recalled Shamshel, and the conflict that happened in his head between retreating and running away and what it did to him. He then realized with dread that he was trying to impose the same demands on her. He was being a hypocrite just like Misato.

"…No. I wouldn't," he said with a look of defeat on his face.

"Then eat and get dressed quickly. We leave in one hour."

"I understand." He got out of bed and began eating his …lunch? Dinner? It looked more like a breakfast, with bread, an egg, rice, milk, and three square mystery sauces. Perhaps it didn't really matter which meal of the day it was. It was nourishment that he would desperately need for the coming fight. As he ate, something was off. Rei was still in the room with him.

"Um, Rei?" he asked after swallowing a mouthful of dry bread washed down with some milk. "Why are you staring at me? I'm eating."

"I am making sure you have finished your food and changed into more appropriate attire than that hospital gown."

Shinji's face turned slightly red. Did she intend to watch him as he got undressed? "I'm, er, not comfortable with you watching me get naked as I change."

"Why not? We are both pilots. I will not hurt you."

"That's not the problem, it's just… It's not normal for a girl to watch a guy get undressed unless she's either his mother or his, er… lover. It's not normal for a guy to do that to a girl, either. The only reason I didn't go into another room while you were dressing after your shower earlier today was because I needed to make sure you got your new card before you left." Of course, that last sentence was only half-true. This was getting very weird and very awkward.

Rei didn't understand at first, but gradually made sense of it as he spoke. "I see. I am not your mother. Am I …not your lover either?"

This caught him off guard and made him even redder. He was NOT prepared to answer this question so suddenly. "I-I…" He sighed. "I'm still trying to figure that out. I don't know if you are or not yet."

"I also do not know if I am your lover. You are …not unpleasant to be around, however." Her expression was growing melancholy. "I must apologize. The commander never told me how to process any of this."

"Don't feel too bad about it," Shinji reassured her. There she went about his father again. Why would teaching her about this stuff be his business? Was he the reason she behaved so unusually? He wanted to know more and more.

"If you do not feel you can eat and change clothes with me watching, then I shall wait outside for you to finish."

"Thank you again, Rei. I won't keep you waiting for too long."

I awoke in the hospital later that afternoon. No sooner than that did Rei arrive with my lunch, a fresh plugsuit for me, and our schedule for what was now being called Operation Yashima. This time, there was no stopping her from getting in the Eva alongside me. At first I tried to talk her out of piloting, but then I realized this made me no better than Misato during the battle with Shamshel, so I relented. She then tried to watch me as I ate and changed into proper clothing, which I did dissuade her from doing. Apparently she didn't realize watching people of the opposite sex dress or undress wasn't normal, because Father never told her about things like that. Just how much control is he exerting over her that he should be the one to teach her that stuff? Whatever he's doing with her, he must be up to no good. And I have to stop him.

When we got to Mount Futago, Misato and Dr. Akagi briefed us further on what we'd be doing. The Angel, a big blue diamond thing designated Ramiel, had been stationary over the Geofront for hours now and was drilling into it to reach Nerv HQ as we spoke. Its AT Field was so powerful that it could be seen with the naked eye when deflecting projectiles, making it impossible to safely engage in a conventional battle. We were instead going to snipe the Angel from the mountain, using a special energy rifle powered by the near-entirety of Japan's electrical output. I was chosen as the gunner since my sync rate with Unit-01 was better and it was a very high-precision operation with many details to take into consideration when firing. Rei was instead chosen for defense. It all made me kind of nervous, since we had no time to practice beforehand, but there wasn't really anything that could be done about it. So much responsibility… But I guess that's what the "me" trying to improve myself signed up for.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Do you feel …afraid at all?"

"No. Do you?"

"There is one thing I'm afraid of happening. I'm afraid of you dying on me."

"Why?"

"It would be a lot harder for me to live with myself if I knew you died trying to protect me. I don't want you to die."

"Do not be afraid of my death, Pilot Ikari."

"Eh?"

"You are the one who must make the shot and terminate the Angel. If you die, all is lost. If I die… I can be replaced."

It was perhaps a good thing there was a divider between them as they put on their plugsuits in the standby vehicle. For Shinji, it reminded him not to stare at Rei while she changed, just as he didn't want her staring at him. For Rei, it prevented her from seeing Shinji's look of shocked horror as he heard those last few words of hers.

We changed into our plugsuits after receiving our instructions. We didn't speak a lot, except for asking each other what our fears were. I told Rei I was afraid of her dying. She, on the other hand, didn't seem to be afraid of anything. She even said she could be replaced if she died. Like that could ever happen. For all I know I'll never meet another Rei ever again.

Not long after we changed, the blackout went into effect to charge up the rifle. Right before we entered our Evas, I asked her why she piloted. She told me she had a bond. With everyone. And that she had nothing else. What she told me forced me to begin thinking about why I was piloting too.

We're both tasked with protecting humanity, of course. However, that in and of itself doesn't motivate me. I still want to become stronger so I can face Father, as well as protect Misato and my friends. But how often do I think about protecting people I don't even know? People who might even hate me? The more I thought about it then, the more I felt bad, because I realized that my motivations are selfish at the end of the day.

Rei seems different, though. Here's somebody who does feel an attachment to everyone. Somebody who can see good even in people like Father. I don't know how anyone can be so selfless, but I want to believe it's possible. And the idea of her having nothing else is equally difficult to fathom. Nothing else to live for? There's no way. And if there is, I don't want it to stay that way.

The pieces started coming together. If she had nothing else, then I would give her something. She represents to me a good in the world greater than myself, one I can use my selfishness in service of.

At that moment, she stood up and told me "Goodbye" as she headed to launch. The moon shone behind her; once again, she looked like an artistic masterpiece given life, just like at the apartment.

It was then that I figured out why I stuck my neck out for her so much. I need someone like her in my life.

Shinji was frantically doing everything he could to get Rei out of her Eva. Although he successfully shot down Ramiel, it did not come without cost. The first shot missed as it intermingled with a counterattack shot from the Angel, diverting both away from their respective targets. The second shot killed it, but by the time it hit, the Angel's beam began to melt Unit-00's armor as it pierced its shield.

He had to work quickly if he wanted Rei to live. First, he pried open Unit-00's entry plug hatch and pulled out the plug. Rei was no longer in danger of her own Eva, but now she herself had to be gotten out. As soon as he could, he exited Unit-01 and went down to her entry plug himself. When he tried to grab the door handle, it was burning hot; were it not for his plugsuit, his hands would've ended up like his father's. He was undeterred as he twisted the handle and opened the plug door.

"AYANAMI! Are you alright?" he shouted as he found her in her seat. Her eyes opened; she was alive. Thank the Heavens, she was alive. "Don't… Don't ever say you have nothing else… Don't ever say 'goodbye' just as we're about to do something so dangerous… And… And don't ever say you can be replaced! Nobody could ever replace you, Rei…"

He began to cry. Rei wasn't sure what to think. She thought people only cried when they were sad. Didn't Shinji want to see her alive?

"Why are you crying?"

"These are happy tears, Rei. I'm crying because my happiness is too much for me to contain right now. I'm happy because you're alive. I'm happy because I get to spend another day of my life with you. I'm happy because… I like you. There's no longer any doubt in my mind."

She looked on at his smile. It looked much like the commander's. It made her feel warm and pleasant inside in the exact way that the heat from the entry plug didn't.

"I…" She returned his smile. "I like you too, Pilot Ikari. You make me happy to live as well."

"Th-thank you, Rei… Thank you so much… But… You don't have to call me 'Pilot Ikari' anymore. Just 'Shinji' is fine."

"Shinji. …That is a good name." She still felt a bit too weak to move safely, so Shinji had to be content with losing himself in her eyes. As Misato and Ritsuko came to retrieve them, he wondered if Rei was doing the same thing. He could only hope.

AUTHOR NOTES:

Special thanks to Evageeks for help with canon fact-checking (including timeline planning), and to my pre-readers for examining the chapters released so far. Thanks especially to Argent-of-Cintria (Lord-Argent-fourth-of-his-name), whose consulting will prove to be highly useful for the coming chapters, and to the good people over at AsuShincord's fanfic workshop for their advice on making Shinji's writing more believable.