"All the pretty girls in the world, but I'm in this space with you."
Max gives Nicky a lot of time to think—possibly too much time. She spends her days memorizing the capitals of all fifty US states, pushing a mop across the floor, reading and rereading the books one of the ladies wheels about on a little cart that serves as the library here. She never thought she'd miss Litchfield—the minimum-security part, that is—but from down here, it practically seems like paradise. Her mind rewrites her memories, reframes her days there in an idyllic light.
So many times she thinks about turning back to drugs. It would be fitting, wouldn't it? They'd sent her down here for heroin; may as well make their twisted accusations true if she's going to be stuck in Max for the rest of her sentence. Lord only knows it would be easy enough to get her hands on anything she wanted—for a price, of course.
But Nicky stops herself every time. She goes to weekly AA meetings, recites her capitals again, focuses on cleaning the floors until they're absolutely spotless. They're little things, but they help to keep her sane—and more importantly, clean.
She thinks of Lorna and Red and all her friends from camp often. It's the only thing that gets her through the day sometimes; it's not like there are many opportunities to make friends down here. The women in Max aren't exactly cuddly, and Nicky's attempt to stay on the straight-and-narrow only isolates her further. But that's okay. She sure as hell isn't trying to get herself any more time added to her sentence.
Sweeping her mop across the floor of the courtyard, Nicky closes her eyes and enjoys the weak rays of sunlight on her cheeks. Standing there, she can almost imagine she's outside at camp again. She can almost hear Lorna's voice, almost feel her hand clasped in Nicky's as they stand close together and stare out over the grass.
"It's so pretty out here, ya know?" Lorna's hair is blowing in the breeze, little strands floating up around the edges and tickling Nicky's cheeks. "I just love spring, the way everything's all green again, and—oh, look!"
Lorna's eyes follow the motion of a little black bird as it flies toward the prison. She grabs Nicky's hand and spins around, gesturing to a little mass of twigs and grasses nestled up under the eaves.
"I wonder if there are babies in there," she says excitedly, tugging Nicky over for a closer look.
Nicky lets herself be led, the cool wind ruffling her hair and sending a chill down her spine. It's early spring still—the air has a slight bite to it, and the sun's rays shine palely down on them both. Lorna's skin is warm against Nicky's palm, and she draws the brunette closer to her, dropping her hand to wrap an arm around the smaller girl.
"Ah, the miracle of life," Nicky says wryly, lifting a foot and gingerly stepping over a pile of bird shit on the ground in an effort to avoid getting the white, gooey substance on her shoes.
"Don't you just love babies?" Lorna's got a dreamy look in her eyes, her hands clasped together in front of her chest in overwrought excitement. "I mean, they're just sooo absolutely precious, aren't they?"
"Uh-huh," Nicky mutters as Lorna goes on, tuning her out in favor of watching her, soaking up Lorna's every gesture. The excitement in her expression is contagious, and soon Nicky finds herself smiling just looking at her.
"Oh. My. God!" Lorna squeals, her face flushed from the cool air as she turns to look at Nicky. "I can hear them chirping!"
"Adorable," Nicky agrees, but really she's thinking Lorna is the adorable one.
"When I get out of here, I'm gonna have a whole buncha kids," Lorna declares, looking at Nicky out of the corner of her eye as if to gauge her reaction. "Maybe enough for a whole baseball team. Wouldn't that be nice?"
Nicky opens her mouth to reply, when—
"Inmate Nichols! Less daydreaming, more working."
Reality bleeds back into focus around her as Nicky opens her eyes again, blinking away the daydream with a pang of wistfulness. She could be standing up in the yard at camp this very moment, but instead she's here in Max. Instead, she has to stand here imagining a future with Lorna that will never come true; she'd given it all up, and for what? For one little baggie of heroin, one more hit?
She curses herself every day for making the stupid, stupid decision not to get rid of that tiny bag with the rest of the supply. If only she'd been able to control herself, if only she'd been able to resist temptation. If only she weren't such a fucking junkie. She tells herself she hadn't even really intended to use it, that's the ironic thing. And yet the heroin had managed to fuck up her entire life all over again.
Nicky had said once that heroin was her best girlfriend. She guesses it's only fair that now it has ruined the best real relationship she's ever had.
She meets up with Stella in the bathroom late one night because why not? She still has needs, goddamnit, and for once it's nice to lose control.
Nicky lets Stella strip her clothes off because it's what she deserves. After every stupid decision she's made in her fucked up life, she deserves to feel naked, violated, exposed underneath the bright fluorescent lights that stay on in Max no matter the hour. She lets Stella push her back against the cold tile of the shower wall, right there in the open for anyone to see should they walk in. An image flashes through Nicky's mind of Lorna, pale body stretched out above her, head thrown back in ecstasy, both of them too lost in each other to notice anyone else. How many times had they done this very thing in the showers up at camp? How many times had Nicky made Lorna cry out and breathe hard and clutch onto her head, murmuring sweet nothings as she found her release with Nicky's mouth moving slick between her thighs?
"You're sexy as fuck, you know that, Nichols?" Stella says into her ear, still-clothed body pressed up close against Nicky's bare skin. Her breath tickles Nicky's cheek, and Nicky forces out a low chuckle.
"So I've been told."
Stella kneels before her, hands skimming up and down Nicky's sides. "Let me take care of you, yeah?"
Nicky's murmur of assent turns to a strangled moan as Stella's fingers press into her. She closes her eyes and lets herself pretend for a moment that it's Lorna's hands on her body, Lorna's voice whispering words of encouragement from below her. Then Stella's mouth is on her neck, nipping, leaving marks, her hand still between Nicky's thighs, and the illusion breaks.
Lorna had always been the gentlest lover Nicky had ever had. The only marks she'd ever left behind had been pale lipstick kisses, red smudges in the wake of her painted mouth fluttering lightly across Nicky's neck and collarbones. The one time she'd left a hickey—a tiny, barely-there mark at the top of Nicky's left breast—she'd traced it over and over with her fingertip, biting her smeared scarlet lips. I didn't mean to hurt you. Nicky had laughed it off, left little marks of her own all over the inside of Lorna's thighs as payback, secretly warm inside thinking of the tenderness in those words. Lorna had always understood instinctively that Nicky wasn't meant to be marked, wasn't meant to be owned.
Stella bites. Her teeth are all over Nicky's body—scoring the soft skin of her neck, tracing their way across the tender area under her breasts. She's forceful and rough, not unlike Nicky herself, controlling Nicky's movements with an arm pressed low across her hips. All the while she mutters dirty words into Nicky's ear, mumbles them against her skin. Nicky can feel her lips move even as she traces her tongue ever lower, pausing just before she reaches the place where Nicky needs her most.
"Say my name," Stella purrs, low and warm. She looks up with those clear green eyes, hair flopping down effortlessly over her sharp cheekbones, gaze expectant.
Nicky forces it past her tight throat. "Stella."
"Tell me what you want me to do to you."
It's humiliating, Nicky thinks, even as the words pour from her mouth. She's not meant to be the one begging, desperate, hips bucking up toward Stella's mouth as she loses all control over her own body. Her own voice, hoarse and husky, echoes in her ears as she repeats Stella's name. Shame burns bright in her stomach as Stella reaches up and scratches her nails down Nicky's chest, right over her scar, and she almost wants to pull away. It's too intimate, too personal. She feels raw and vulnerable, and the panic swells up in her throat. She nearly gasps out a command for Stella to stop, but then she lets her head fall back against the tile wall as the physical sensation sweeps her away. Only for tonight, Nicky will surrender. She will give up control even if it kills her, even as the tears leak out from beneath her closed eyelids.
"That's right," Stella's saying, "say my name, baby. Say my name."
"Stella," Nicky gasps out, expelling any thoughts of Lorna from her mind. She's lost now, unmoored and unable to find it in herself to care. "Stella, Stella, Stella!"
"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," Nicky said. She could feel Lorna's hesitation, but she wasn't sure if it was just nerves or if the other girl really wanted to back out. Either way, she didn't want to push too far. It had taken a lot for them just to get to this point—Lorna still wasn't ready to admit that her attraction to Nicky was any more than prison loneliness, at least not out loud.
"No, no." Lorna shook her head, voice small and unsure despite the seeming certainty of her words. "I wanna do it."
"Only if you're sure." Nicky couldn't help the swell of nerves that rose up in her own stomach. "And we can stop anytime you want if you change your mind."
Lorna nodded, bottom lip pinched between her teeth. Her lipstick was shiny and flawless, every strand of her brown hair still perfectly in place. To look at her, you'd never know that not five minutes earlier she'd been panting and squirming under the attentions of Nicky's clever tongue and fingers.
Nicky thought she looked beautiful; then again, she always thought that. In these moments, though, Lorna was more vulnerable than ever. She was so soft under Nicky's hands, so trusting. Nicky couldn't help but feel honored that out of all the people in the world, she got to be the one to see every part of Lorna like that.
"And we've got time, right? The COs won't be around to check our bunks for another two hours?" Lorna's voice was hushed in the dim quiet of the empty chapel; colored light filtered in through the stained glass from the lamp outside, giving her features a dreamy quality.
Nicky nodded. "Trust me, I've done this plenty of times."
"Okay. Yeah, okay." Lorna sounded like she was steeling herself; quickly, she reached out and grabbed Nicky's hips, slipping her thumbs inside the waistband of her pants to brush over the soft skin there.
Nicky's hands instinctively came up from her sides and wrapped around Lorna's wrists. When Lorna gave her an inquisitive look, Nicky blew air out of her mouth, trying to calm herself. She let go of Lorna's wrists, letting her own arms hang limply by her sides.
"Sorry. I'm just not used to this, that's all."
They looked at each other for a long moment, kneeling behind the pulpit, Lorna's hands still firm on Nicky's waist, before the corner of Nicky's mouth began to quirk up. As one, they burst out in a fit of giggles, collapsing into one another in a warm heap on the floor.
Wrapping her arms around Lorna's tiny frame, Nicky pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "This is silly, we don't have to—"
Lorna cut her off with a sudden movement, wriggling out of her grasp to fix her wide, dark eyes on Nicky. Slowly, she reached out, cradling Nicky's face between her hands.
"Listen, Nicky, baby. You're not making me do anything. I want to do this for you. Okay?"
They sat like that for a few heartbeats, staring into each other's eyes, and then—
"Just kiss me," Nicky breathed, not sure quite where the needy edge to her voice had come from.
Fingers tangling in Nicky's thick hair, Lorna pulled Nicky's mouth down to her own, kissing her with a ferocity that Nicky had never seen from her before. Lorna's lips were velvety, sliding against Nicky's with practiced ease. They'd done this a hundred times before, but the taste of Lorna's mouth never ceased to send thrills tingling up and down her entire body.
"God, you're fucking gorgeous," Nicky all but growled, hands pushing up under Lorna's shirt to cup at her breasts over her bra.
"Wait—no—let me," Lorna gasped against her mouth. Pulling back, she kept her eyes fixed on Nicky as she climbed into the blonde's lap, straddling her.
Breathing hard, Nicky let the brunette tug her shirt and tank off, lifting the khaki garment up and over her head. Lorna bundled it up and slipped it behind Nicky's shoulders, pushing her down gently so that the crumpled shirt became a sort of makeshift pillow.
Lying there on the ground without her shirt, Nicky felt more vulnerable than she had in a long, long time. She hadn't let any girl in here do this with her—she was a giver, she'd explained over and over, the simple act of getting girls off was enough to get her halfway there herself. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy it, but she was genuinely happy collecting others' orgasms rather than having them herself. That way she could maintain her control, make sure she didn't let anyone see her come apart.
She felt Lorna's fingers come around the back of her neck, cradling her head and lacing through the strands of her hair. Lorna bent down over her and pressed a gentle kiss to her chest, right in the center of the scar that ran down between her breasts, slightly left of center and directly over her rapidly beating heart. Nicky's breath hitched as Lorna followed her mouth with her fingers, ever so tenderly tracing the long line.
When Lorna sat up and opened her mouth to speak, Nicky braced herself, expecting her to ask the inevitable question. It was the first time she'd seen the scar, after all; Nicky had made a point of keeping her shirt on even when they fucked. The girls she'd been with were generally curious, and Nicky had gotten tired of the endless questions years ago. But instead, Lorna fixed her with that glittering stare, so much fondness in her dark eyes that Nicky almost flinched away under the intensity.
"You're so beautiful, love," she whispered. There was nothing shy or hesitant about the way she spoke now; the realization sent a shock of anticipation through Nicky's entire body.
And there was nothing shy about Lorna's next movement, either. Maddeningly slowly, she bent forward once more and planted a kiss on Nicky's lips as her fingers slid ever lower and down the front of Nicky's pants.
Jesus fucking Christ. Nicky stiffened involuntarily at the sensation of Lorna's fingers slipping down between her legs. It had been so long since anyone had touched her there… she almost couldn't believe it was happening now. And that Lorna was actually willing to do this. She'd daydreamed about it, sure. But she'd never really expected Lorna to reciprocate, especially since the brunette was so adamant that she was 100% straight.
"Is that okay?"
"Yeah, no—" Nicky drew in a shuddering breath, nearly too distracted to form coherent words "—I mean, great. That's great."
Lorna was moving her fingers in soft circles now, and fuck, Nicky couldn't understand how she was already so fucking good at this. It was so fucking unfair for her to be this good. She knew just the amount of pressure to apply, and when her fingers slipped over Nicky's clit, Nicky couldn't help the strangled half-moan that bubbled up out of her throat.
"Jesus fuck, Lorna," she hissed, reaching up to haul Lorna's face down to her for a long, passionate kiss. The brunette's fingers were still tracing gentle patterns through her folds, and Nicky's hips twitched, seeking more friction.
Lorna's fingers hovered at her entrance, so close to where Nicky needed her to be. "Can I—?" she asked haltingly, and Nicky answered her without hesitation.
"God, yes."
And then her fingers were sliding home, a little awkwardly at first and then more confidently. Readjusting, Lorna curled her fingers inside Nicky, causing the blonde to bite back a string of curse words and search frantically for something to hold onto. She ended up grasping at Lorna's waist, the smaller girl still straddling her.
"Tell me what you like," Lorna said, fingers still buried inside Nicky.
Nicky let out a little huff of pleasure mixed with frustration. "Well, don't fucking stop, for one thing."
"So im-pa-tient." Lorna drew out the second word in a singsong, and Nicky could've sworn she saw a slight smirk on her lips. Then her fingers were working again down between Nicky's legs, and she couldn't think anymore.
Eyes closed, head tilted back, Nicky lost herself in the feel of Lorna's fingers plunging in and out of her, thumb every once in a while brushing over Nicky's clit and causing her to jolt. Through the haze she could feel Lorna shifting, moving downwards until Nicky's hands slipped off her waist and she was forced to grab at the curtain hanging from the back of the pulpit. Soon after, she felt Lorna's fingers slip out of her pants completely.
"Fuck, Lorna." Nicky groaned, lifting her head to look at the smaller woman. "Shit, don't stop…"
Lorna was kneeling between her legs now, hands hooked in the waistband of Nicky's pants. "Can I take these off?"
Nicky hesitated. Fingering was one thing, but to let Lorna see her—all of her—was something else entirely. Before she could respond, Lorna was up at her side again, pushing Nicky's hair out of her face to plant a smeared red kiss on her forehead.
"I want to taste you, Nicky," she breathed. "I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel."
A shiver ran down Nicky's spine. "You sure you mean that, kid?"
"Yes."
"Then yeah, okay."
Lorna kissed her cheek, and Nicky couldn't help herself. Brushing Lorna's brown curls out of her eyes, she brought the other girl's head down to her mouth for one more lingering kiss. Her tongue swept over Lorna's lip; Lorna's mouth yielded easily to Nicky, who teasingly pulled back and let her teeth scrape over the brunette's bottom lip.
"I really…" Love you, she thought about saying, but under Lorna's thoughtful gaze she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence. Instead she shook her head, trying to affect an air of casual bemusement. "You're wonderful, that's all."
"Aww, Nichols." Lorna poked her cheek playfully. "I knew you were a real softiedeep down."
Nicky rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Shut up before I take it back."
Lorna's laugh was musical as she trailed a finger down the side of Nicky's body to her waist. This time, Nicky didn't flinch as Lorna slowly pulled down her pants and then her underwear, leaving her naked except for her bra. She was filled with a mix of terror and pure desire, adrenaline burning through her veins as Lorna knelt between her legs.
Nicky closed her eyes, her grip white-knuckled as she clutched the blue curtains behind the pulpit as if letting go would mean certain death. She could feel the heat of Lorna's breath ghosting over her skin, and it wasn't long before she felt smooth lips being pressed to her inner thigh.
Her eyes snapped open. "I—I don't know if we should—I mean, I'm supposed to be the one who—"
"Hey, hey. Baby," Lorna interrupted her, "we don't have to do this. Only if it's what you want. I just wanna make you feel good."
"And for that I'm eternally grateful, kid." Nicky tried to crack a smile, but she couldn't help but feel that it seemed strained.
Lorna reached up, gently but firmly disentangling Nicky's hand from the curtains so she could intertwine their fingers. "Can I try again?"
Biting her lip, Nicky exhaled, trying to push her anxiety out with the air. "Yeah."
"Tell me if you want me to stop."
"Yeah," Nicky repeated dumbly, aware that she was gripping Lorna's hand slightly too hard but unable to stop herself from doing it.
And then Lorna's lips were back between her legs again, leaving wet, warm kisses. She started low, beginning with the inside of Nicky's knees before continuing upward. Her thumb traced soothing circles on the back of Nicky's hand all the while; Nicky felt herself melting from the sheer tenderness of the motion, tears pricking at the back of her eyelids as she focused on keeping her breathing steady.
When Lorna's mouth finally reached the damp curls between Nicky's thighs, Nicky couldn't help the gasp that issued from her throat. Lorna squeezed her hand gently as she placed a soft kiss to Nicky's warm center.
"You're so…" Lorna's voice trailed off.
"What?"
"So wet." She sounded genuinely surprised.
Nicky gave a husky little laugh, unsure of whether to be self-conscious. "What, you couldn't feel that before?"
"Not the same way."
"Yeah, well, you tend to have that effect on me." As soon as she said it, she regretted letting the words leave her mouth. It was too honest—too much to tell this beautiful, kind, genuine woman who somehow still insisted she was fucking straight.
"You've gotta stop saying things like that," Lorna said, cheeks glowing pink. "It's not fair."
"Pfft." Nicky's snort was incredulous. Of course Lorna was thinking of how this would affect her relationship with the precious, oft-mentioned Christopher, even now. Still, she asked anyway—maybe hearing it again would remind her why this affair with Lorna was such a bad idea. "Not fair to who?"
"You can't be gettin' me all hot and bothered when I'm supposed to be the one getting you off."
Nicky couldn't help the grin that spread across her face at the unexpected answer. "Oh, really? Last I checked, my getting you all 'hot and bothered' didn't seem to bother you all that much."
"Shush." Lorna ducked her head down, but not before Nicky caught a glance of her flushed cheeks. "No more talking."
And then Nicky couldn't have said a word even if she wanted to. She grasped Lorna's hand as she felt the warmth of her tongue trace a path up between her legs. Fuck. Shit. Christ. Her mind scrolled through every swear word she knew (which, admittedly, was a long list) as she tried to think of a valid reason why she should tell Lorna to stop. She drew a blank.
She couldn't help the profanities that spilled from her lips—not just profanities, but pleas and whines and, over and over, Lorna's name. The part of her that was still afraid told her to pull away, to stop before it was too late to take it all back, but the other part of her—that wanton, hedonistic side she'd always fed with her drug habit—saw the situation with startling clarity. This was her addiction; this, more than even heroin, was her perfect high. She felt disconnected from reality, like she was looking at the both of them from somewhere above: Lorna's glossy brown curls buried between Nicky's exposed thighs, their fingers still laced tightly together, Nicky with her head thrown back and her eyes closed and her Kool-Aid red lips parted and gasping for air.
This was going to be over embarrassingly quickly. God, it felt like she'd been waiting for this for years. Like maybe this was what she'd been missing all along. Her rational mind—still hovering there somewhere, pushed to the edges of her consciousness by the pleasure burning through her body—told her that she was being ridiculous, that this wasn't better than any other sex she'd ever had. It was just sex. That was all it was to Lorna. That was all it had to be to Nicky, because if she let herself think even for a minute that this was anything more, she'd lose her grip on the tenuous friendship between them once and for all.
The sounds Lorna was making were positively sinful, and Nicky couldn't stop herself. With her free hand, she grabbed the back of Lorna's head, guiding her exactly where she needed the friction.
"Fuck." She breathed out her swear word of choice in a tone akin to prayer, which she supposed was suitable considering where they were. The tension in her was rising now, up and up and up to that all too familiar cliff. She almost wanted to hold herself there, to linger in this perfect moment forever; as soon as she fell over the edge, reality would come crashing back around her. She would have to stop pretending that the hard, cold floor under her back was the softness of their marriage bed. She would have to remember not only where they were, but what they were: a straight girl and the woman who would always, always be her second choice.
Right then, with Lorna's tongue on her, Nicky believed they were more than that. Right then, with her hand pulling roughly at Lorna's hair, she believed that she wasn't just a mouth and a set of fingers—that she, Nicky Nichols, her heart and soul and personality, were what really mattered to Lorna. This proved it, didn't it? It wasn't just about Lorna's pleasure anymore.
Her hips bucked up toward Lorna's face, out of her control, and Nicky let herself let go at last. She shuddered under the force of it, Lorna's mouth still moving over her as the pleasure rolled through her. It felt like an eternity and an instant all at once: she could hear the near-inhuman sounds she was making, feel the way her thighs clenched tight around Lorna's head. Her sweaty hand clutched Lorna's, and when the pleasure faded out again, Lorna's thumb was still there, tracing circles onto the back of her hand.
Panting, Nicky let her body go limp, eyes closed. Somehow, despite the fact that she was still missing most of her clothes, she realized she didn't feel naked anymore.
She felt rather than saw Lorna's hand untangle from her own, and then a soft weight settled down half on top of her. Opening her eyes, Nicky found Lorna's face only inches from her own, a slight nervousness evident in the brunette's furrowed eyebrows. She couldn't help but reach out and tap Lorna lightly on the tip of the nose; the little smile that appeared on her face was instant gratification at its finest.
"So?" Lorna bit her lip. The red lipstick was almost completely gone now, the remnants of it smudged around the corners of her mouth. And God, she'd never looked more beautiful.
Nicky rolled onto her side, one hand going up to draw Lorna's head in closer. The motion was gentle now, and so was the kiss that followed—all warm lips and soft flickers of tongue, the kind of kiss that was intended to be enjoyed all on its own rather than as foreplay. It was the kind of kiss Nicky had hesitated to give Lorna ever since that very first time they'd kissed in the chapel. Messy kisses—the kind with bitten lips and clashing tongues—were safer somehow. Less intimate. Nicky could kiss Lorna like that without feeling like she was giving too much away.
But at that moment she would have given Lorna the world if she'd known how. She kept the kiss light, innocent, romantic. When she pulled away, Lorna's mouth followed hers. The disappointed little sigh that Lorna exhaled as she opened her eyes didn't fail to make Nicky's heart flutter.
For a moment, they were perfectly still. Then—
"Oh my god, I actually did that!" Lorna squealed, her entire face lighting up in unbridled excitement.
Nicky couldn't help but find her enthusiasm adorable; she let out a slightly out-of-breath chuckle. "Yeah. Yeah, you did."
And then they were in each other's arms again, still less than half-clothed, only there was nothing sexual about it this time. Nicky wrapped her arms around Lorna, kissing the top of her head and treasuring the feel of her soft breathing against her chest. For a moment, they both laid there and let themselves believe that this was forever.