March 24

08:14 am

V: Are you sterile, Eve?

Eve: Wow, it's way too early for that kind of questions.

Eve: Coffee first.

V: Easy on the booze in your coffee [wink icon]

Eve: Very funny. I don't drink before 6 pm.

V: Yeah, right. So, are you sterile?

Eve: No, Villanelle, I'm not sterile. What's gotten into you now?

V: You don't have any children.

Eve: You don't either.

Eve: That I know of.

Eve: Oh my god – do you *have* children?

V: Don't be ridiculous, I'm much too young.

V: Niko looks like someone who'd want a lot of children though.

Eve: Maybe Niko does, but I don't.

V: Good point.

V: You rather look like someone who'd throw eggs at them when they come knocking on Halloween.

Eve: I've never thrown eggs at children!

V: Thrown something else?

Eve: Possibly.

V: You're exquisite.

V: I'm very good with children, you know?

Eve: Villanelle… You literally *killed* a child.

V: What? I've never killed a child!

Eve: Is that so? Gabriel, does it ring a bell?

V: Nope.

Eve: You wrung his neck in Paris!

V: Still nothing. Be more specific?

Eve: At the hospital! You left me an apple.

V: Oh, yes! Clever, the apple, wasn't it?

V: Dear Gabriel. A bit whiny but so helpful. He wasn't really a child anyway.

V: And he asked me to kill him. So this doesn't count.

V: You should have seen his face. I did him a favor actually. No girl would ever have wanted to have sex with him.

V: And *he* thought I was funny. See? I do really well with kids.

Eve: Because you are one.

V: Wow, it's way too early for you to be unpleasant.

07:36 pm

V: So, you don't want any children?

Eve: What's the point?

V: I don't know. It's fun.

V: I kidnapped a baby in Spain. Did you know they made designer clothes for babies that are absolutely *adorable*?

V: Seriously, I turned it into a baby top model.

Eve: You did *what*?!

V: Relax. I didn't keep it.

V: Dasha took it from me and put it in the trash.

Eve: Dasha did *what*? Are we still talking about the baby?

V: I said relax. The dumpster didn't even have a lid.

Eve: …

09:48 pm

Eve: The baby, was it alive?

V: Of course it was!

V: Who do you think I am? Some kind of dangerous murderer?

Eve: … Very funny.

V: [double LOL icon]

March 25

08:16 pm

Eve: You never really kept a low profile though.

Eve: I mean, an assassin isn't supposed to be so… *showy*. Isn't that the very opposite of the job description?

V: Are you telling me that I'm bad at my job, Eve?

V: Because I'm quite sure I've nothing left to prove when it comes to efficiency.

Eve: No, you're good. No one can say you're not.

Eve: But it's… I don't know, a bit of a paradox, isn't it?

V: I've got style. Or did you want me to be as boring as your girlfriend?

Eve: My girlfriend?

V: The boring Asian woman you tried to make me jealous of.

V: Quite unsuccessfully, if I may say so.

Eve: The Ghost?

V: Right, Casper.

Eve: She was efficient too.

V: Yeah, in a boring kind of way.

Eve: But you *are* jealous!

V: You stood me up to run after her. I'm not the jealous type, but if I *were*…

Eve: You just used the word "boring" three times in three sentences. Just saying.

V: Really? Aren't you going to apologize for Amsterdam?

V: It was extremely rude, Eve.

Eve: Seriously, what's the matter with you and Amsterdam? Carolyn had assigned me to another case.

V: Right. And everybody knows how obedient you always are.

Eve: You were killing three people a minute! Was I supposed to come running every single time? How are you still able to walk with such an ego?

V: Fuck you, Eve.

09:23 pm

Eve: Are you really mad?

10:12 pm

Eve: Do you want some white chocolate?

10:36 pm

Eve: What if it's Belgian?

11:38 pm

Eve: OK, you know what? That sulky silence thing is really *not* funny when you could be killed at any moment.

V: I'm alive.

V: Happy?

Eve: What was so special about it?

V: My bad. I didn't know that you were receiving postcards from high-caliber assassins like me on a regular basis.

V: Do you keep your collection in a box?

Eve: What? What are you talking about?

Eve: I never received a postcard.

V: Fuck.

V: I think I'll make an exception to my current good behavior and kill Carolyn.

Eve: So…You sent me a postcard?

V: Yep. You'd have loved it. Extremely pretty.

V: So you didn't stand me up on purpose.

Eve: No.

V: Cool.

Eve: Were you that upset?

V: I wouldn't go that far. I just felt something weird.

Eve: Something weird?

V: Yeah, really weird.

V: In my stomach.

V: As if I had eaten something too rich.

V: Which is completely ridiculous, because if you knew what my stomach can take!

Eve: Sounds to me like you were sad.

V: What?

Eve: Your weird feeling, it was sadness.

V: Holy cow, how can you stand those kinds of feelings on a regular basis?

Eve: Honestly? I have no idea.

V: I was so disappointed I almost killed a girl who was cutting in line to go to the bathroom.

Eve: I can't stand it when people do that.

V: Yeah, right?

V: I thought you had forgotten about me.

Eve: You idiot.

V: I must admit I'm quite unforgettable.

March 26

06:28 pm

Eve: I think I just got hit on at the Starbucks.

V: You *think*?

Eve: The guy asked me for my phone number.

V: And did you give it to him?

Eve: No, I didn't.

Eve: I gave him yours.

V: … Oh. I'm going to have so much fun!

07:32 pm

V: He texted me!

Eve: What did he say?

07:54 pm

Eve: Villanelle?

08:28 pm

V: He wants a picture of my breasts.

V: Well, of *your* breasts.

Eve: Are you going to send it to him?

V: Are you going to send me a picture of your breasts?

Eve: Absolutely not.

V: I guess I'll just have to send him a picture of mine, then.

Eve: Absolutely not.

V: Possessive much?

Eve: For your information, he was badly dressed.

V: Was he wearing a turtleneck?

Eve: OK, fine. Send him a picture of your breasts, I don't care.

08:42 pm

Eve: Did you just send me a picture of your breasts?!

V: Oops.

V: Wrong number.

Eve: Don't you dare send *him* that.

March 27

03:26 pm

Eve: I received my divorce papers.

V: OK.

Eve: That's it?

V: Well… Congratulations?

Eve: I thought you'd be happy.

V: I am.

Eve: You don't sound like you are.

V: Eve, I'm telling you I'm happy.

Eve: If you say so.

V: Are you taking it out on me again?

Eve: I'm not.

Eve: It's just that… you're usually more *vocal* when you're happy.

V: I *am* happy.

V: But I thought maybe you'd be… sad?

V: I can't always tell what the appropriate reaction is.

V: Sometimes you're a bit difficult to read.

Eve: Who do you mean?

V: People.

V: I don't want to be inappropriate with you, Eve.

Eve: Oh, you will be.

Eve: But I like it.

V: Are you sad?

Eve: A little.

Eve: But also relieved.

V: How are we supposed to call you now?

Eve: I haven't decided yet.

V: I like Eve Polastri.

Eve: Really?

Eve: I thought you'd want me to change my name as soon as possible.

V: I'm not a caveman, Eve!

V: It's the Moustache that bothers me, not the name.

Eve: So, you *are* happy?

V: I'm overjoyed!

V: If you really want to know, I just danced in front of my screen.

05:38 pm

Eve: That picture is…

Eve: I don't have words for it.

V: What? The moustache doesn't look good on me?

March 28

07:28 pm

Eve: Why didn't you kill me?

Eve: The very first time, I mean.

Eve: I had seen you – well enough to make an accurate description of you.

V: I was kinda busy.

V: You were beautiful.

V: And Konstantin had forbidden me to do any collateral damage.

Eve: You did practically nothing *but* collateral damage that day!

V: Nobody's perfect.

09:12 pm

Eve: By the way, how's my admirer?

V: … He blocked my number.

Eve: What did you do?

V: I might have threatened to kill him.

Eve: What? Why?

V: It just… came spontaneously in the conversation.

March 29

03:25 pm

V: What are you doing tonight?

Eve: The usual.

V: Ramen, cheap wine and bad TV?

Eve: … Yes.

Eve: What is it again that you like about me?

Eve: Don't answer my hair!

V: Your hair!

V: Gosh, you text faster than the wind.

March 30

11:19 pm

V: Can you log out of Netflix?

V: I can't watch anything when you're logged in.

Eve: Are you using *my* Netflix account?!

V: I am.

Eve: You are? That's it? Do you think there's nothing wrong with having hacked into my account?

V: Do you think there's nothing wrong with having watched "Crazy Stupid Love" four times?

Eve: How did you figure out my password?

V: It wasn't that hard. Your pin code was *1234*, remember?

V: But I'm flattered [wink icon] span style='font-size:14px;'/span

Eve: Oh, shut up.

V: So, can you log out now?

Eve: No!

V: Are you about to watch "Valentine's Day"?

Eve: Shut up or I'm changing my password.

11:36 pm

V: Just…

V: Try "Love Actually".

Eve: It's not on Netflix.

V: HA! You tried to find it! I knew it!

Eve: Go fuck yourself, Villanelle.

V: I'll think about you [kiss icon]

March 31

10:54 pm

V: Eve, darling!

V: I'm just coming back from the funfair! [partying smiley icon]

Eve: I hate funfairs.

V: How can you possibly hate cotton candy?

Eve: It's sticky.

Eve: And there's always a kid who gets too close and manages to stick it in your hair.

V: But Eeeeve!

V: You're hopeless.

V: My little diamond in the rough. Have I ever told you how much I love that little frowning face of yours?

Eve: You really suck at paying compliments, you know?

V: I'm great at paying compliments.

V: I'm also great at air rifle shooting. Right in the bull's eye every time. The stall holder banned me for life.

Eve: What did you do to him?

V: Why do you always expect the worst of me?

Eve: What did you do to him, Villanelle?

V: I *might* have shot him in the arm.

V: He cried like a baby.

V: I mean, those are really tiny pellets.

V: I've been shot with real bullets and I've never cried like that!

V: Hell, *you* took a real bullet and I'm pretty sure you didn't cry.

Eve: I didn't.

V: I know! Cause you're a badass.

Eve: Also because I passed out.

V: That too.

V: It does help.

April 1

01:02 am

Eve: Do you think you could shoot me again in the future?

V: I wasn't expecting that question.

Eve: Is it something you'd ever feel like doing again?

V: To be honest, violence was never really my thing.

Eve: Are you kidding me?!

V: I'm not. I don't know what you're imagining but I'm a rather vanilla kind of girl. Not that I lack imagination, far, *far* from it, but there are all kinds of variations without needing to…

V: Although, technically, I *could* give it a try.

V: I mean, if that's your thing.

V: I have nothing against the occasional bondage. We could even figure out something with a knife…

V: But a gun? Seems a bit extreme though.

Eve: What?

Eve: Oh, come on.

Eve: Come on, Villanelle, I'm not talking about sex play!

Eve: Why, oh *why* would I want to get shot?!

V: Oh.

V: You have to admit that it wasn't very clear.

Eve: I'll admit no such thing. Just how messed up do you think I am?

V: Messed up? I never judge anyone based on their sexuality, Eve. That's a very bad thing to do.

Eve: No.

Eve: No no no no.

Eve: You are *not* lecturing me about tolerance.

Eve: I can't believe it.

V: But I *am* a picture of tolerance.

V: There's no need to be ashamed of having fantasies, you know.

Eve: I have *no fantasies whatsoever* about guns, let it be crystal clear.

V: OK, OK!

V: But you're a bit… let's say, *aroused* by violence. That's the reason why you're attracted to me.

Eve: No, it isn't!

V: Yes, it is.

Eve: OK. OK. Maybe it was *one* of the reasons why I was attracted to you.

Eve: Anyway, I just wanted to know if you might shoot me again in case you got *annoyed* at me, not all hot and bothered.

V: Oh.

V: Oh, I see.

V: I didn't shoot you because I was annoyed at you. That's not why I shoot people.

Eve: Hello? The stall holder? About three minutes ago?

V: Oh, please. It was in his arm. It hardly counts.

Eve: Villanelle.

Eve: You do understand what I'm asking you.

V: No, I don't.

Eve: Would you shoot me if I did something you didn't like?

V: What kind of things are we talking about?

Eve: I don't know. Anything!

V: How am I supposed to picture this if you're not more specific?

Eve: If I were sleeping with someone else, would you shoot me?

V: No. Who do you think I am?

Eve: If I told you I never wanted to hear from you again, would you shoot me?

V: No.

Eve: What would I have to do for you to shoot me?

V: I don't know.

V: You're asking super weird questions tonight.

Eve: You don't know? So, there's a chance that you *will* shoot me again?

V: I don't think so.

Eve: You don't *think* so? Wow, that's comforting.

V: I don't know, Eve, alright?

V: I'm trying to be honest here. Isn't it what you want?

Eve: It is.

V: All I can say is that I'd rather die than let anything happen to you.

V: It's all I've got, sorry.

Eve: Fuck.

Eve: That's not right.

V: No, Eve, *I*'m not right. Did you just figure this out?

Eve: No. What's not right is how *romantic* this sounds to me.

03:18 am

V: Does it make a difference?

Eve: I'm sleeping, Villanelle!

V: OK.

Eve: What makes a difference?

V: Our conversation. To us.

V: You would tell me if you wanted to stop doing this? You wouldn't just disappear on me?

V: I hate it when people disappear.

Eve: I knew what I was getting myself into.

V: I can get better.

V: But I'm not sure I'll ever be *really* safe to be around.

Eve: I already loved you when you were really not.